01x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

[BIRDSONG]

Carl...

[DOOR OPENS]

Carl...

Carl! Aah! Carl!

[- JACK: ]Morning.

- Coffee?
- Err...

Yeah, yes. That would
be lovely, thank you.

Have you lost something?

No, I just can't seem to
find where I left my er...

That?

[LAUGHING]

[SLAPPING SOUND]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

[BERNIE: ]Shiv?

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

[OPENS DOOR] Shiv,
you're going to be late.

What the hell has
she been up to?

Oh...

The little b*tch!

So should we like...

Do we need to talk about...?

Last night?

Thought it was pretty good.

Yeah. Thought it was pretty...

Very good too. It's just umm...

Where does Kristen
think you are now?

[LAUGHING]

I do all-nighters all the time.

The thing you have to understand
about Kristen, she's European.

So it's not like...

She's great at all
the business stuff

and she's 40 so a baby's like...

But it's not like...

You know? Okay.

She seems pretty...

[SHIV: ]Oh sh*t!

sh*t! sh*t, sh*t! I'm
supposed to open the gallery!

Why you stressing?
It's ten minutes away.

Look at my clothes!

I'm covered in f*cking tapenade!

Oh yeah.

That was fun.

When are we doing it again?

Okay. I think things got a
bit out of hand last night.

What?

We had fun last night.

We were criminals.

But it's not what I should do.

What? Fun's ill*gal
now you're sober?

No.

[WHISPERS: ]I
can't, I have to go.

I have to go.

We had a good time!

sh*t.

[TAPPING ON KEYBOARD]

I have the venue
shortlist down to four.

Nothing wanky, just in,
out, engagement drinks.

Do you want to come to viewings
or is it quicker if I do it?

It's quicker if I do it.
[TAPPING ON KEYBOARD]

There was something I...

[CARO: ]Oh, rings!

Rings? I didn't get
you an engagement ring.

I know you don't want a ring.

But I should do
something to mark it.

We don't have sex!

Like, we never have sex.

Well, not like never.

Fourteen months.

Fourteen?

I remember it was after my
half marathon in Clontarf.

Well it's not like
I haven't tried.

I know. I've tried
loads of times to...

I know, I know.

It's actually been
me who's been...

I thought you were just
tired from your triathlon.

So what, you just don't
want to have sex with me?

What, no, no! Well,
kind of like...

Sorry, that came out wrong.

I mean I don't want to
have sex with just you?

Now, right, erm...

We've been together since
we did our leaving cert.

We've missed so much.

And, and the truth is I suppose

recently I've been
taking my sex life

elsewhere.

You're having an affair?

What, no! Caroline, I
would never do that, no!

It's err...

It's more like fantasies.

Fantasies. What
sort of fantasies?

Okay, umm...

Okay, there's this
new teacher in school

and she's half Spanish.

And, err, quite curvy and I...

I think about riding her.

Okay. She's young and
hot, that's normal.

And the guidance
counsellor, Miss Riordan,

and she's 60. 60!

Grey hair and all
I can think about

is what she'd look
like bent over a desk

with her knickers
around her ankles.

The gym teacher's pretty hot too

and he's mid-40s. He?

And some of the
lads at the track.

You want to sleep with men?

I want to sleep with
everyone, Caroline!

I want to try
everything, you know!

I can't get it out of my head!

There's S&M,
there's water sports.

There's stuff with clowns, like.

I mean, we've never tried
any of those things!

Clowns? I'm just saying

we need to branch
out more, you know?

We could try three-ways
or... or an orgy!

Or, look, we could just

we could just do it in the car

on the side of the dual
carriageway in full Lycra

with some of people
watching or something,

you know?

Or whatever... you're into.

Well, I'm not into Lycra!

Okay, okay! What are you into?

I'd love to know, honestly.

Let's... What are you into?

I can't talk about
this now, Rory!

I've got an engagement
party to organise.

For f*ck's sake.

Yeah, sorry.

[KRISTEN:] Shiv,
what are you doing?

Did you go home last night?

No.

No I didn't. I umm

ended up with someone.

Who?

Just a stranger.

Total random. Never met
him before in my life.

Where did you meet?

The street.

Yeah, I just... he was
just there on the street.

Homeless.

No.

No, he wasn't homeless.

We went to his studio

apartment. Studio
apartment... It was very nice.

Well, nothing like a good
f*ck to relieve stress!

You were so upset yesterday.

You feel better?

Oh, took my mind off things.

We have a delivery
arriving any minute.

So tell your friend
Karen not to hang around.

Karen? sh*t.

I have a spare dress in my
office if you want to borrow.

It's maternity. It should fit.

Look, I know what
you're gonna say...

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have tried to
make you share last night.

It was bang out of order. Oh.

I was worried I wouldn't
find another speaker.

I mean, there's
only so many times

I can wheel out the
old father-in-law

Halloween party hand-job
story, you know?

The Halloween... Anyway.

I came to say sorry,
make me amends...

Is that a maternity dress?

Mmm. It's Kristen's.

Why are you wearing it?

To see if I can pull
off the look. [LAUGHS]

I don't think you can.

I can see you're
having a hard time

and you are at a very delicate
point in your recovery.

I am? [KAREN:] Six months.

You think you know it all.

You start going out more,
going to meetings less.

Sleeping with totally
unsuitable people.

How are you going with
that moral inventory?

It's good, yeah.

You got it all out?

Mm-hmm. All the lies?

Yep. All the manipulations?

Yes. All the addicty

self-justifications for
your own bad behaviour?

Absolutely.

When can I see it?

[KRISTEN:] Shiv! Delivery!

I have to get that. Tonight?

Erm, I don't think...? Tomorrow?

Could I call you?

There's nothing else
I should know about?

Sorry. I really have to go.

[BACKGROUND CHATTER]

Just give me one second.

Anthony... Can I have a word?

Jesus Christ.

It smells like a
f*cking lock-in in here.

You out last night?

Uh, uh.

Giving all out with the lads?

It wasn't pride was it?

We normally stick
up some balloons.

My sister got
engaged last night.

[EDDIE: ]Ah, great.

And my dad left my mum.

What? It's fine.

Everything okay with...?

Yeah, they're taking it.

The house I showed them?

They're paying the asking.

Want to close as
soon as possible.

So I made the sale?
Err, yes and no.

I didn't make a sale?

Well they...

Look,

they've asked

that you be taken off any
cut of the commission.

What? They say you behaved

err, inappropriately
at the viewing.

Me? He was the one who...

Shh! Keep your voice
down, Jesus Christ!

The last thing we
need is some f*cking

me too sh*t going down again.

But I made that sale.

I know you did

and we'll acknowledge that
at the monthly report.

Look, this is bullshit!

Do you want to take
the day to cool off?

I don't need to cool off.

Listen, clearly you're having
one or two personal issues.

[KICKING DUSTBIN]

His dad's after leaving, yeah.

His dad.

Anyway guys...

[SIMON:] You alright
there Bernie?

I'm fine, thank you.

I, err,

saw Tom packing up
the other morning.

Everything okay?

Yeah. We're just
taking some time apart.

Oh... Sorry to hear that.

Marriage is a tricky business.

If there's anything
you need, just shout.

Any word from Pam?

No.

Still, no idea when
she's coming home?

[SIMON: ]Afraid not.

Ha.

Cause I found a shoe...

A shoe? Whose shoe?

I think you know
very well whose shoe.

I honestly have no idea

what you're talking about.

It was right there in your bin.

Were you going through my bins?

That's private property, Bernie.

You've no right to r*fle
through people's rubbish.

Pam was my friend.

She's not nothing
and she's not nobody,

she's not going to just disappear
off the face of the earth

because you've found
someone to replace her with!

SHOUTING: Women aren't
just replaceable, you know!

We matter!

State o' you.

No wonder your husband left.

You stay away from my
property, you ugly old bint,

or I'll get the guards.

[TRAIN RUSHING PAST]

[PHONE BUZZING]

Have you considered a venue?

[PHONE BUZZING] [CARO:]
Well, funny you should ask...

Look who's here!

You're engaged!

You only just heard?

Ah, yeah, you were
busy last night.

[CARO: ]Doing what?

She hooked up with
a guy on the street.

What? Oh my god,
Shiv, who was he?

It doesn't matter.
You're engaged!

Why are you engaged?

[PHONE RINGING]

[TOM: ]You've
reached Tom Sheridan.

Please leave a message.

[TOM AND LEE PLAYING]

[ANT: ]Hey!

Ant!

That how it is then?

Just trading one
family for another.

Who is this?

Err, this is Lee.
Mina's grandson.

ANT: Hiya, Lee.

Maybe you should go
back into the house.

Why don't you hang
out for a sec,

I've a few things to
say to your new dad.

I've a few things to say to your
new dad. Why aren't you at work?

Why aren't you at work?

Why aren't I at work?
Good question, yeah.

Probably because I
lost a sale today.

Probably because I'm
about to get fired

from a job I just started.

But that's no surprise
to you, is it?

You knew I was a waster.

I never said that.

I think you're a
piece of sh*t too!

Ant! I wasn't good
enough, was I?

I don't know what
you're getting at.

Little g*y boy
playing with the girls

instead of being on the
rugby pitch like Carl.

Just say it! Say it!

Now, just stop it. Say it.

Just stop!

[ANT: ]Ow!

Sorry. [CRACKING SOUND]

Ow!

f*ck.

I'm in this shitty
job because of you!

I'm wearing this poxy
suit cause of you,

but it's not good enough.

It'll never be good enough
cause I'm not f*cking Carl!

Carl is dead, do you hear me?

He's f*cking dead, but I'm here!

I'm f*cking here... CRYING.

Shh. You're alright.

Come on.

There's something I need to ask.

About Carl.

And no bullshit.

Okay.

Did you love him more than me?

What? God no...

I saw you with Lee,
playing football.

Like you used to
play rugby with Carl.

Yeah, Lee's an only child.

His dad's not in the picture.
I'm only trying to...

But you looked happy.

You never looked
that way with me.

Yeah, but sure, you're
not interested in rugby.

Well...

Not for the sport, no.

Look...

I get it.

Carl did law.

Carl was straight.

Carl made you proud.

I don't.

You're right.

I don't treat you the
way I treated Carl.

But it's not cause
you don't like rugby

and it's not because you're g*y.

It's because

the day Carl died,

my heart literally stopped.

When you lose a
child, it's so err,

so unnatural.

The pain is so extreme.

It's like every nerve
in your body shuts down

just so you can keep going.

And I kept going.

I got up every morning.

I went to work. I was there.

Except I wasn't.

You know, I was like a
ghost haunting me self.

Didn't even realise

till I... I met Mina.

That's the da you had.

Carl had the one made
of flesh and blood,

but you got that... and...

[SOBBING]

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I really am.

If I've been hard on you,

it's only because I want you

to be able for whatever
life is gonna throw at you.

But I'm...

I'm going to do better.

From now on, I'll do the
things that you're into.

Plays or, err, saunas
or you know, whatever.

TOM: Thanks, love.

Can I stay here tonight?

Course you can.

What are you doing?

What do you mean? With Rory.

You were supposed to
talk, not propose.

We did talk.

When? This morning.

We had a big talk.

So, you talked to him about...

We acknowledged
there is a problem

and we're going to

explore things.

That's great. Yeah.

It's a really great sign
of your relationship.

It's all worked out perfectly.

So, how was your
meaningless sex last night?

It was err... amazing.

Really? With a random?

Yeah, it wasn't random.

Err... It was Jack.

What?

I didn't mean it to happen.

I was upset with everything
going on with mum and dad,

and Ant showed up here
with Carl's death cert...

You're disgusting!

How could you sleep with.

How could you sleep with a
pregnant woman's boyfriend?

A pregnant woman's boyfriend?

You slept with a
married man too!

But that's completely different!

Cause he didn't get it in ye?

You're you!

What is wrong with you?

I did not judge you
when you came home

with c*m stains on your skirt!

I knew it was bullshit.

All this, "I've changed.
I'm doing the work."

I am doing the work.

Oh, give yourself
whatever self-pitying

label you want, Shiv:
Alcoholic, addict.

Maybe the actual truth is
you're just a selfish b*tch!

If you're really thinking

of having the party
here, [PHONE BUZZES]

we should do some planning.

[KRISTEN:] Are you
free for supper?

CARO: Totally.

[KRISTEN: ]Good.

Shiv, can you lock up?

Err, sure.

I just have to meet some buyers
of Jack's at the Harper first.

Very boring but very
rich. It won't take long.

Well, if it's just quick.

We'd ask you to join

but we'll just be
talking about wedding

and babies and boys, so...

I already have plans.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[SIMON:] Bernie!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Bernie, I know you're in there.

[FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

[DOOR OPENS]

Anthony. Mina.

Listen, thanks for letting
me kip here tonight.

How long is your
father staying here?

What do you mean?

Another few days?
Another week? What?

He's not staying here.

He's moved in.

Moved in? Here? What!

[PHONE RINGS]

Err, it's Mum.

Well, don't answer it.

She mustn't know about this.

Where are you gonna go?

[DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN]

Is this risky enough for you?

[PASSIONATE KISSING]

[GROANING]

Jack!

[KRISTEN: ]Jack!?

Caroline and I are going now!

[TOILET FLUSHING] Uh, huh.

You're gonna leave me
alone with these Americans?

[KRISTEN:] I think
you can manage.

Actually, I need to pee.

Don't use that one.

There's something wrong with it.

It's gross.

[KRISTEN: ]Okay.

Don't wait for me.

[JACK:] Okay.

Don't leave me alone too long

with these fecking Yanks, yeah?

[KRISTEN: ]Yeah.

[PHONE BUZZES]

[DOOR SQUEAKS SHUT]

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN, SHUTS]

[WHISPERS:] Jesus
f*cking Christ.

Jesus Christ.

[PHONE BUZZES]