01x04 - A Nation Divided: Crybaby Cooper and Tantruming Tucker are Tearing the Country in Two

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

Flag-fondling fascists
and cucked-out communists,

kiss and make up, you delicate dickbags.

This year, we had an election more divided
than a Dallas drinking fountain.

We were given the privilege and honor

to choose between a touch of reality star

and a guy that lost touch with reality.

And ultimately, this rhythmless
versus battle had one victor.

Botox Biden was going back
to the White House

with a new Black escort.

Not that type of Black escort.

Beat it, Bill.

So, how did America react?

Well, both sides handled it

with about as much grace
as Alec Baldwin losing a parking spot.

I mean, what the f*ck?

The pink-haired pronoun parade

that puts the "Bi" in Biden
and spent the last nine months

calling conservatives K*llers
for public gatherings

decide to celebrate the victory

by swapping spit with more strangers
than C.J. Parker on tsunami duty.

And the Trump sluts.

You know the people who hammered Hillary
for not conceding on election night?

Well, to this day,
they're still flying their losing flags

like a Mississippi sister sucker
at a cr*cker Barrel Klan rally.

Just take the "L"
like those "theys" did to get home.

Now, by the looks of things,

it feels like America's more torn
than a horse rider's hymen.

I mean, the streets are filled
with white-on-white violence

like a Bass Pro Shop on Black Friday.

Apparently, all cops are b*stards,
except Kamala,

and cities are more boarded

than an Indian train
to Mia Khalifa's comment section.

I mean, if you're staring at screens,

it looks like the country is crumbling
like a Cronut in Corden's mouth,

shakier than Fallon
before his breakfast bourbon,

darker than Kimmel's Halloween costume,

and more devastating
than Stephen Colbert's…

Does he still have a show?

Anyway, I get that it feels that way.

But is this what you see
when you look outside?

I mean, I'm from New York,

the place the media says is "dead."

But El Salvador and Elmo's
are still tickling tots in Times Square.

Senegalese bag boys are still selling
fake YSLs to fake DSLs.

Bankers are still blowing lines at brunch.

And h*m* are still humming Hamilton
in Hell's Kitchen.

How did you get that?

But, the media won't show you that

because the 24-hour news cycle
demands more conflict

than Amber Heard's engagement ring.

Nothing is more profitable than conflict.

Just ask d*ck Cheney or Bravo.

The fact is, the Jews--

I mean, the news
has always been about profit.

Even back in the day
when there were only three channels

and Jackie Kennedy was wiping
a frontal lobe lasagna off her dress.

The networks played to the middle

because that's where
the biggest audience was.

Then, with the introduction of cable,
the media landscape changed.

Not that landscape.

And news channels popped up
like Eddie Murphy watching Juwanna Mann.

Roger Ailes, who looks like
Alfred Hitchcock f*cked Alfred Hitchcock

and has forced more anchors to go down
than a Somali pirate,

figured out that with
television audiences so fractured,

the winning strategy
was pick a political side and pander.

Fox leaned right, like Dak Prescott
for the rest of his life,

figuring they could sell
more pillows to patriots.

CNN moved left,

like Beyoncé pretended she would
in a breakup,

figuring they could
sell more Levitra to liberals.

And like a spat with your spouse,

the truth was now up for debate.

Each network driving the wedge deeper
than Elin Woods through a windshield.

But it doesn't stop there.

Like my foot fetish, social media
has made the problem even worse.

Instead of only ten channels of warped
profit-centric pandering,

now we have 10,000.

Any Wi-Fi weirdo can rack up views
by creating crazy clickbait

like, "Black thug attacks Christian
that wouldn't hurt a fly."

There's no accountability. No FCC.

No advertisers to answer to.

No interns to sexually harass.

There's no one to sexually harass.

These incels haven't seen a fanny lip
since their mom squatted them out.

And what makes it so much more potent

is that people can actually interact
with these videos.

They're liking, they're commenting.

Indians, relax.

They're sharing it with their friends
like a Juul or HPV warts.

So suddenly, they're not just a viewer.

They're a culture warrior
on the frontlines.

And that feeling of righteousness
allows them to rationalize any behavior.

For example,
they're not ruining a kid's life

for tweeting something dumb
four years ago.

They're nailing more Nazis
than Eva Braun in a Berlin bang bunker.

And they're not screaming
at a venti-pouring vato

for speaking Spanish.

They're keeping American culture
more preserved

than Simon Cowell's eyelids.

When it's good versus evil,
any action is justified.

So what does the media do?

They create enemies.

Because outrage drives more clicks
than a Congolese cabbie.

Take an issue
like having an Android phone.

I mean, poverty.

The left wants to build
social programs to help the poor,

while the right wants to incentivize work

so people don't become
dependent on the State.

I just want them to run on hamster wheels
so they can power the city.

Now, how does this
completely reasonable dialogue

play out between the prime-time trolls?

Well, Fox ménage-à-twats say,

"Bernie is a godless socialist

that hates America
more than he hates a comb."

And MSNBC's Twinklevoss twins say

this flan-faced r*cist
hates the poor so much

he wants to segregate his hands.

And this… is the death of democracy.

It's not Biden, it's not Trump,

it's not liberals, not conservatives,

but the belief
that the other side is truly evil.

Democracy requires compromise.

And there is no compromise with evil.

And this cable kayfabe
stokes a culture w*r

that's more manufactured
than Ronaldo's top teeth.

I mean, here's a perfect example.

Take America's longest running w*r,

the w*r on Christmas.

Yup! It's the same every year.
Big brands say "happy holidays"

not because they wanna take down
more Christians than a pissed-off pilot.

Not that pilot. That's better.
That's what those Romans said.

But because they wanna make money
off of everyone.

The only profit they wanna see risen
is their own.

But Thanos Karen Laura Ingraham,
who looks like spray-tanned Tom Petty,

tells us
Target is trying to erase Christianity.

And suddenly, the Think Piece Patrol
is trading barbs with thumb-head Hannity

and we're all supposed to believe

that anyone gives a flying f*ck
about this flying f*ck!

The fact is we all love Christmas.

Muslims, Jews, Hindus, normal people.

We don't care
if you wish us a merry Christmas,

a happy holidays
or a terrific Toyotathon year-end event.

To quote
the hottest First Lady of all time…

Okay, the second hottest.

Martha Washington had that WAP.

White-Anglo Patriotism.

What did you guys
think I was talking about?

Have some respect, okay?

That's the first First Lady.

Back to Melania.

"Who gives a f*ck about Christmas stuff?"

This is a manufactured controversy
intended to rile up partisanship

and create division for profit.

Look. I'm not saying
we don't have radicals in this country.

There are Nazis, anarchists, the Beyhive.

And the media loves to make
their opposition look more extreme

than a Shaun White supremacist.

But for the 80% of us in the middle,

this only exists on TV,

like hot doctors and Jew cops.

There's no milkshake-tossing

antifa super soldier
behind you at Starbucks.

There's no low-T tiki torch tools
at Trader Joe's.

That's just how the media makes it feel.

These idiots say New York
is a socialist safe space

controlled by a colossal cup communist.

When in reality, it's more capitalist

than Adam Smith selling $40 funnel cake
at the Laissez-Faire.

That's an amazing joke.

And on the other handgun,

people think Texas is this training ground
for r*cist cowboys,

but in reality, it's more diverse
than The Social Dilemma family dinner.

Who casted this? Helen Keller?

Right now, in Houston,

there's a Vietnamese ICE officer
arresting a Persian contractor

for picking up a Honduran day laborer
at Home Depot.

And you know
who's the most pissed off about this?

The Black mayor
that's not gonna get his bathroom done.

That's essential
when you're taking down Tex-Mex.

Oh! And I didn't even mention
La Raza, güey.

Houston's got more Mexicans
than a Guadalajaran clown car.

Now that's diversity.
Someone give them an Oscar.

The point is,

America is not as bad
as the media narrative portrays.

And we'd probably notice it
if we unplug from the Internet,

like what's suggested
by all those documentaries

that are streaming on the Internet.

See, they can't even do it.

We have a harder time unplugging
than Terri Schiavo.

We're addicted.

And no one takes advantage
of this addiction better

than this fish-lip, labia-neck right here.

Donald Trump speaks in the exact
sound bites the news cycles crave

and leans in like Biden
on a seven-year-old's scalp.

He stands up for the issues
that Fox makes up

and gives CNN
the super villain they've craved

since S*ddam was swinging
like your mom at Margaritaville.

He's been playing them
like a fiddle for years.

I said fiddle!

Whether it was calling
for the death penalty

for the Central Park Five

or saying Obama was more Kenyan
than a coffee bean running a marathon,

Trump doesn't just ride the waves
of the culture w*r,

he creates them
like a Chris Christie cannonball.

And after years of laying pipe to pros
and the groundwork for a presidential run,

in 2016, he capitalized.

As Obama's presidency was droning along

and the woke movement was growing larger
than their list of genders,

a huge section of the country
started to feel disenfranchised.

I know this is gonna be hard
for a lot of you to believe,

but that section was white guys.

Now, I'm not talking about the ones
pretending to be feminists

so they can get p*ssy
from chicks with more body hair

than a Turkish border guard.

Those guys only feel disenfranchised

when their wife's boyfriend
finishes their cauliflower milk.

I'm talking about the white males

that felt like the PC movement
became an attack on their identity.

Now let me be clear.

That is not what the PC movement
was intended for, okay?

The goal of political correctness
is protecting marginalized groups

and ruining comedy for everyone.

And in no way are white men
a marginalized group,

except when they're on Wild 'N Out.

But because of the 24-hour
media fear cycle,

many white guys felt like their identity
was the cause of all the world's problems.

I mean, Lena Dunham,

that actress
that looks like a Mucinex germ,

called for the extinction of white men

after casting only them in her shows.

How do you tell a story about Brooklyn
with a cast that's whiter than Hogwarts?

Sorry, Dean, it's not our fault.
We try to forget about Black Wizards.

It wasn't just Lena.

Evergreen College students
tried to have a day without white people.

Obviously they've never been
to a MetroPCS store.

I mean, here are some headlines
from around the time Trump got elected.

"White men must be stopped.
The very future of mankind depends on it."

"Hey, white Christians,
your time is almost up!"

"Thirty-seven things
white people need to stop ruining."

Jesus! The press was trying
to take down more white dudes

than an out-of-work actress.

And I know it sounds ridiculous

that white men could feel disenfranchised
in America.

That's like a scout leader
feeling disenfranchised

in a Penn State locker room.

But according to the media
they were consuming,

they felt like
they were under attack for existing.

Like an embryo
inside a septum-pierced 17-year-old.

And when anyone feels
isolated and rejected,

they gravitate to the people
that make them feel valued and supported.

And for some white dudes,
that's Faygo-fisting face-painters.

And for others, that guy was Trump.

I know a lot of you are thinking,
"That's bullshit!"

"Trump attracts more racists
than a Fred Perry fire sale."

And you know what? That's true.

He did little to distance himself.

They stuck to him
like the spacebar on Toobin's keyboard.

But not all the people
that supported Trump were r*cist.

Some were simply willing to look past
the dubious bullshit

like blocking more browns
than Bill Laimbeer

because Trump made them feel
like he was fighting for them.

So when Hillary Clinton
called his supporters "deplorables"

and Trump said
he was gonna put her a*s in jail,

his base ate it up
like a Michael Moore mukbang.

And I'm not gonna lie,
Trump was f*cking hilarious.

When he was sh**ting deep threes
on people three feet deep

or when they said he called women
pigs and dogs and he responded…

Only Rosie O'Donnell.

[crowd cheers]

The point is, we found him entertaining.

And that's probably
because our GDP was higher

than Rogan hotboxing the red pill.

But once COVID hit,

people didn't want a discount Don Rickles.

They wanted security,
comfort and reassurance.

But like loving more than one daughter,
that's not in Trump's wheelhouse.

His leadership style went
from entertaining to exhausting

and he got ditched faster
than a p*ssy-pounding pastor.

Now, regardless of how you feel
about Trump,

you gotta admit, we're more
politically engaged now than ever.

And you know what we learned?

It f*cking sucks!

Why am I arguing with strangers
about the secretary of education?

I'm not in school, I don't have any kids.

I care less about education than Coach K.

I'm supposed to be angry
about this Garth-looking grandma?

The only secretary I should be
hot and bothered by is Riley Reid.

The point is, it was too much.

We were drained.

We were too tired to even go to the polls,

so we mailed in our vote
like Biden mailed in his whole campaign.

I mean, I can't name
a single policy Biden ran on

besides "Never fix your laptop."

But it didn't matter.

Because we didn't want some visionary.

We just wanted a return to normalcy

where politicians
aren't hiring their own kids.

They're forcing other governments
to hire them.

We wanted autopilot.

We were done being woke,

so we got sleepy Joe to tuck us in
like Rudy's shirt, and be honest,

no one really hates Joe Biden.

He seems like a decent man
for a career politician

that's more plugged in
than the hairs on his jiggity Dende.

We just thought
his brain was more mashed up

than Kamala's cakes
at a Kingston dancehall.

And then, at the debates,
he proved us all wrong

by stringing together
three sentences in a row

that didn't
put a Black guy in jail for life.

And we all thought,
"Whoa! Maybe he can do this."

But guys, if you're not a fan
of a Biden presidency, don't worry.

Like a boy scout's balloon knot,
it ain't lasting long.

They're gonna pull a Bachelorette
and swap out the old white person

for a younger, hotter Black chick.

So America, wherever you sit
on the spectrum--

No, the political spectrum.

Don't fall for the trap.

The other side isn't your enemy, okay?

Your Trump-loving uncle
and your Harris-stanning sister

aren't trying to ruin America.

They're just losers who wear
senior citizen streetwear.

They look ridiculous.

The only drip you should be worried about
is sliding down Rudy's cheek.

We just have to recognize
the forces that are trying to divide us.

Politicians need to get re-elected
so they paint their opposition as evil.

The media has to sell ads so they scare us
into staying through the break.

Social media needs clicks

so they'll serve you up
salacious stories you love.

And we all go along with it

because reading a newspaper
is boring as f*ck!

The fact is,

if you go outside in any city,
town or suburb in this country,

you'll run into people
who share the same values as you.

People who are friendly, helpful,
and most of all, decent.

They're Democrats,
Republicans, cops, protestors,

rich, poor, conspiracy theorists,
feminists and incels,

but most importantly, they're Americans.

And like you,
when they go to bed at night,

all they want
is for their family to be healthy.

And if we just drop this binary
good versus evil bullshit,

we might be able to see that.

We live in the greatest country
in the world

and we need to start
f*cking acting like it.

So as we enter into a new year,

we have to realize that the true enemy
is division itself

and we cannot let division win.

Because a house divided cannot stand.

So I don't know what happens next,
but I do know who we are

and I know what we're made of.

And I know whatever comes our way,
we got this.

Thanks, guys.

Peace.

[theme music playing]

Hey! Of course they're still watching.
What else are they doing?

Unless, of course,
you guys are Netflix and chilling.

Which, in that case,
I'm sorry that I interrupted.

Just keep on doing what you're doing.

I'll be right here.

You keep your focus.

Breathe. Listen to my voice.

[softly] Go right up to her ear,

nibble on it,

and go…

[train whistles]

[Bollywood music playing]

Sex icon.