01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

You're a waste of a life
in Sports Depot.

You mean I'm wasting my life
at Sports Depot.

You are in the top five most
beautiful men in Peterborough.

She's sh*t on my shoe.

You know we do the big mugs?
I'm thinking big bowls.

Cereal.Or salad.Thing is, I need
a way to make money right now.

Congrats, Russell.For what?
A new leader has arisen!

Team leader.
So who's in charge now, then?

I'm in charge!

You f*cking like that, don't you,
you c*ck little simpleton?

Maybe this'd be better
in a bedroom.

We're going to have sex!
HE YELLS

Can't wait.

VOICEOVER: New Balance Casablancas,
the quietest trainer known to man.

Perfect for surprises.

SHE SNORES

Happy anniversary!
SHE YELLS

Ow!What the f*ck?
Ow... Help.

Who let you in?

Flatmate Sophie.
Sophie! How many f*cking times

have I told you not to let him in
under any circumstances?

VOICEOVER: Anniversaries
are a great opportunity to

reflect on a relationship.
On our two-month anniversary,

I took her for a romantic dinner at
Cafe Continental. You know it's good

when Continental's in the title.
Am I right?

Clare bear, I just want to say
that the past two months with

you have been filled with...

..nothing but love.No. Stop
whatever this is about to be, OK?

Cos you just asked if I wanted
to see you, and I said yes.

It's a very simple set-up.
I've got a surprise.

# Happy birthday to you... #

What is he doing?
# Happy birthday to you... #

I specifically said anniversary.
# Happy birthday, dear Clare... #

What is he doing?
No, I don't like it. Make him stop.

Sorry. Don't worry, mate. Erm, yeah,
you can just bag it up, please.

Cheers. I'll still pay for it.
Are you going to cry?

No, I'm...
You're an embarrassment.

We've officially been together
for one whole year.

We met three years ago.
Yeah, but I did some calculations.

You were still with your ex
for the first six months,

so I've been counting that
as half-days.

And then all the times that you
dumped me, that adds up to 364 days.

That's a whole year!
Oh, my God.For you, my liege.

All right, I haven't got you
anything.Oh, didn't you?

Uh-oh. It's from me to me.
I got 'em from you...basically.

Thanks, babe.
Oh, f*ck's sake,

take the price tag off
next time, Russell.Yeah.

Nice, though.Are you going to
make it up to me?

Yeah.Take me out tonight? I just
really want to go to Puccinelli's.

Yeah. No, I've heard that, actually,
it's quite expensive in there.

They have a bottle of wine
that costs 30 quid.

Yeah, but you're a manager now,
aren't you? So you can afford it.

And maybe instead of these flowers,
you can...pay for my tattoo, yeah?

Erm...

I mean...

Y... I've already bought these.
But, yeah, I can...

..definitely...

What are you...?
What are you getting?

It's a surprise, isn't it?
Will you get matching ones?

No.
OK, well...

Can't wait to see it!

VOICEOVER: Anniversaries,
one of the pillars

of a stable, loving
relationship. Mm.

Show me your trainers again.

Oh, my God.I know.Wow.Yeah.
They're exactly the same trainers

as my ex has.Oh,
but they only just came out.

You making a cup of tea?
They've only been out two months...

My dealer only accepts this, like,

spaceship-type money thing now
called Ethereum.

Yeah, man, that's crypto. I dipped
my toe in that sh*t.Really?

Made some dough.Why do you stay
working at this soul-sucking toilet,

then?I like to keep my feet
on the ground, you know?

It's a dangerous game in the wrong
hands. You can get wrecked.

You've got to understand the tech,
like me.Totally.

It's just mine actually doubled.
Last night it didn't, though.

Last night it did the opposite.
It did the bad one,

the opposite of doubling.

What happened to you?

Oh, it's our anniversary.
Ohhh, don't. Yuk!

But, er, y'know, a gentleman
never tells tales.Yeah, don't.

Taking Clare for an anniversary meal
at Puccellini's later.

But I heard they got
a bottle of wine in there

that's like 30 quid, though.I know.
But I'm getting my first managerial

pay cheque tomorrow,
so that should cover it.

Wait, is that Clare
over there with Blaze?

Yep. That's my girlfriend!

Oh. It's cool that you're in
an open relationship.

I'm not in an open relationship!
She's getting a tattoo from him.

What's she getting?
Oh, she won't tell me.

What, you're paying for it,
though?Yes.

It's what boyfriends do.Has
a boyfriend ever got you a tattoo?

I don't think so. If they did, it
wasn't a permanent one, cos, like,

where is it? You know?

So, what base did you get to
after you gave her the flowers?

Mate, you do not want to know.
Come on. I want to know.

Yeah, I just don't really
know the bases.

Er, but she let me watch her get
dressed.Whoo! That's, like, second.

It might even be third.
Nice!Mm.Wow.

PHONE BUZZES
Oh!

Yeah.

ON PHONE:I swear to God, if you
haven't booked Puccinelli's...

This dinner's going to clean me
right out.Yeah, but think about it.

When they ask you,
"Do you want to see the specials?",

later on, you might even
get to see HER specials!

Maybe dish of the day
might be shaved truffle!

Do you think a misogynistic innuendo
is an appropriate topic for a

manager and one of his underlings
to be discussing at the till?

No. No...no, I don't.
Everyone knows I hate misogyny.

George Allen found out that a
conversation about a pulsating c*ck

thrusting toward a winking arsehole
was had within earshot of customers.

Well, he'd be out of here

quicker than hot jizz
spraying inside that an*s.

Oh... I'm pretty sure
we didn't say any of that.

It's what I heard, Russell.

Right, well, you just k*lled the
vibe. We were having a great time.

So would you mind just...

..leaving and go and help Amber?
Bye, Mulenga.

What's a shaved truffle?

So, I bought this Ethereum, yeah?
And that's worth £200.

It's disgusting.Mm-hm.I'm getting
rich literally just by existing.

I'm like a fat
capitalist pig, y'know,

just exploiting everyone around her.

Er, you've hung that one
upside down.

I don't really understand what
this cryptocurrency thing is about.

It's basically supposed to disrupt
the current system, bring down

the globalist elites and distribute
wealth back to the masses.

Just like I've dreamt
since I was a baby.

And does it?
f*ck knows!

You need to hang them in size order!

Small at the front, and then getting
bigger as you go towards the back.

What are you doing?
Just seeing which one's smaller.

Just look at these.Yeah, I know,
ladies', cos ladies' are smaller.

But this one's bigger.
Large. L means large.

Oh! So M's not for men's,
then?Medium.

What did you think S meant?

Sport.

Hear me.

I can tie them in many ways.

Crisscross, tramline,
loop the loop, upside down,

oops upside your head

or normal. What would you prefer?

I think normal, thank you.

OK.

Hi. I'm picking up some trainers.

Excuse me? I'm talking to you.

Yeah, have you got your order
number?My name's Vicky Lee, L-E-E.

Yeah, but it'd be quicker if
you just give me your order number.

Amber? You know if you convert your
Ethereum to BMB via Pancake Swap,

yeah, you can buy this new coin
called Hoddle.

What?Found it. OK, 78584
and the letter X, letter R.

Yeah, do you know what? I think
I'm just going to stick to Ethereum.

I'm really not out here trying to be
the Wolf from Wall Street, y'know?

Trust me, you need to buy Hoddle.
Yeah? I'm an expert in this team.

You make shitloads.Sorry,
can we hurry up? Can you...?

Yeah, yeah, I've found it.
Have you got some ID?

No, I haven't got any ID.

Oh, my money's just doubled.
I hate this.

You're f*cking kidding me.

Right, I haven't got any photo ID,

but I'm in a rush,
so I'm just going to...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Listen,
you can't take it without ID.

What do you think this is?I paid
for them, so I'm going to take them.

Why are you being such a Karen?

You can't call me a Karen! That's
a hate crime! That's hate speech.

What are you doing?Give me the box!
Let go of the thing, bro!

Ciao. Do you, erm,
do any cheap tables?

Do you do meal deals?

Do you do, like, a kids' menu...

..that you could make
look like a grown-up's?

Are you the boss?
Yeah.Come.

What did you say to her?
Literally, all I said was,

"How can I help you, madam?"

Come on, man, what did you say
that got her so pissed?

I called her a Karen.

You can't call someone a Karen.
Even if it's their name?

Fair point. That is
a grey area. But...

I'm handling it.She's made
a formal complaint.Are you sure?

I helped her fill in the form.
Thank you so much...

Right, we need to move quickly
before George Allen finds out.

Mr Allen knows of Mulenga's horrific
display of anti-customer brutality.

I've informed him.You know
that's my job, not yours?

Thank you, sis.Nothing personal.
I'm just upholding

Sports Depot's standards,
something old Russell here

is physically incapable of doing.
I'm getting fired.No, you...you...

You have to fire him. It's page 23
of the employees' code of conduct.

Yes, I'm...aware that it's page 23
of the employees' code of conduct.

Thank you.

I don't want to see you go,
but it does mean that as we're

no longer colleagues, we can f*ck.

And I will show you
exactly what a shaved truffle is.

SHE SHIVERS

What page did she say it was?

I'm f*cked.

I'd have to fire everyone
if I stuck to this.

HE EXHALES

Freaking out?
You made me jump!

Not high enough, though.
You're still here,

not lying on the pavement
down there, brain splattered,

tiny little d*ck smashed.

I'm not freaking out!

I know he's your mate,
but you need to grow a pair.

Or even...one.

I've got ba*ls, Jemma.
Really?

I'm just doing this properly,
gathering evidence,

making sure it's not rushed.
Thank you.

PHONE BUZZES

Ah!

Hi, George.

Hello, Mr Allen!Hello, 999?What?
I'd like to report a fire.Fire?

Yeah, am I too late for the firing?
Oh, no, I haven't done it yet.

Get in! That's what I like to hear.
I saw Mulenga on TikTok.

MUSIC PLAYS

He is out of here. I will see you
in a bit.What, are you coming down?

Yeah! Course. Never miss a firing.
Last week, there was a doozy

in the Thetford branch, two for one,
both in tears begging for their

jobs.Is he coming here?
Is he coming?Jemma, f*ck off!

So you wait till I get there.

Mulenga's on TikTok?Yeah.
One of the customers posted it.

It's had 3,000 views.
I sent it to Mr Allen.

He's coming to watch me fire him,
you psycho.I'll do it.

You're no manager.
I can take this burden from you,

let you coast along, like you always
have.No. I'm firing Mulenga.

You're going to go downstairs
and you're going to do some work.

This has nothing to do with you.
Come on. Chase me.

I'm sick of you. Seriously.

VOICEOVER: sh*t. I'm going to
have to lawyer up for this.

They cost loads, as well.
I wonder if I can get one pro bono.

I can't find your TikTok.
Allow it, man.

Maybe if I search
for "angry British lady"...?

Too soon, man, it's too soon.

How am I supposed to destroy
the basis of the neoliberal

financial fascism
if I just keep making money?

Don't tell me it's doubled again.
Oh, er...

sh*t. I don't really know
what to say, then.

You've become
what you set out to destroy.

Like Darth Vader,
Bilbo Baggins.What?

You're not in a mood with me,
though, are you?

No, it's not you. It's just
I've become TikTok famous...

..and I'm about to get fired.
It's like my best and worst day

at the same time.Yeah. For me,
that'd be like a Tuesday.

Plus, I'm skint!

Everything I earn goes towards
paying me and my nan's rent.

I can't tell her I've been fired,
because we'll have to downsize.

Downsize? Well, how big's your place
now, then?It's a one-bed.

If you downsize from that,
it'll be, like...

..like, a no-bed, innit?

So, I'm supposed to fire him, but...

..I don't know what to do.
What would you do?

Sorry, Son. You lost me at the bit
where your mate twatted the bird

with the big t*ts.I didn't say
that.Well, that's what I heard.

No, I'm supposed to fire
Mulenga, my best mate.

This reminds me of the time
that I shagged Geoff's wife.

And he was livid.
He was red-face mad, he was.

Uncle Geoff?And when I realised
that what I'd done might have been,

y'know, a bit off...

..I tried to make it up to him
by offering him a go on your mum.

You what?It was, like,
towards the end.

Rot had proper set in,
do you know what I mean?

Jesus Christ, Dad, that's...
No, it all worked out.

No harm done.
Oh, that's...

You might need to have a little
think about what you can do to

soften the blow for your pal.

Yeah. OK. Thanks.

Oi, this, er, this advice,
it don't come for free, you know.

Oh, here you go.
Bloody hell!Jesus Christ!

Outrageous!

VOICE ECHOES:To soften the blow
for your pal.

Offering him a go on your mum...
on your mum...on your mum...

..on your mum...on your mum...
on your mum...on your mum...

VOICE FADES

Hiya. Yes, er, I'm just calling
to inquire about the job.

Yeah, it's Mulenga.

Yeah, M-U-L-E-N-G-A.

And my last name...

Yeah, could I call you back?
Is that...?

MUSIC FROM TIKTOK CLIP
PLAYS REPEATEDLY

Have you ever thought about
working in, like, another field?

Like Specsavers, where Clare works?

Oh, Specsavers.
I'm not sure about glasses.

Yeah, no, I'm just trying to help.

I know it's not
about the money for you.

You don't want to lose this job,
cos you'll miss working with me.

I get it.

Yeah, that's the reason, man.

Y'know, we're a team, like Lethal
Weapon.Lethal what?It's a film.

Sounds like some white-man film.
Oh, no, Danny Glover's in it.

But, y'know, me and you,
we're a team.

And sometimes,
a team gets broken up.

One gets fired
for being a crazy cop.

Bro, I'm not going to work
with your crazy girl.

That's fair enough, yeah. Noted.

'Sup, my manager?
Managers gonna manage.

You know it, you know that... Oh.

Ah, I did the new bit.
Liked it. I was into that.

So, how are we "managing" today?

Yeah, can we stop the manager thing?

Yeah. Can't you "manage" it?

No. I just...
I came for advice.

Finally!Yeah...You've come
to your high-street elder.

A wise choice, my liege.
High-street elder's MY thing.

So you shouldn't really say it
without my permission.

And "liege" means that I'm above
you. So, yeah, that is correct.

If it's advice you need, it's advice
you shall receive, young Padawan.

OK, that's... I... Can we just stop
all that?Buy the white wine.What?

It's 30 golden sovereigns,
but it's worth every...

..sovereign. Believe me,

when you get back to that boudoir...
HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE

What?It's romantic advice
you need, right?

No, I've got that covered.
How do you know about the £30 wine?

Word on the street. You're taking
your fair maiden to Puccinelli's.

It's a good start.Right, well,
I don't need romantic advice,

thank you, I need professional.
Ye speak, ye shall be spoken to.

OK, have you...
have ye ever fired anyone?

Not in front of the boys!
How could I fire one of those guys?

They'd get eaten alive
out there!OK.

So, have you got any...

..any jobs at the moment?
Who for?

Mulenga.
No chance.

He's useless.No, he's not useless.
He's my best salesman.

It sounds like you're
about to fire him.No, and don't...

..don't make assumptions.Last time
he was in here, he called me

a prick.Yeah, that's his way
of bonding.It was hurtful.

I would not employ any of
your vagabonds here unless maybe

Amber wanted to move across.
So there ARE vacancies.

For the right person.Right.
Off the top of my head, Amber.Oh!

Oh, yeah, I wonder why. Because
you fancy her, don't you?I don't!

I just think she's an excellent
customer service representative.

sh*t, I've got to go.
Yeah, area manager's in today.

Yeah. How did...?
Word on the street.

Right, f*ck'...
You always... All right.

Yeah...Try and learn it
for next time.

All right. See you.Is thou onlineth
tonighteth?I might be,

a bit later. It's just cos I'm...

..getting through some stuff.
When the sun doth...sink...

..thou...shall log on.

Yeah, bro, erm, not the greatest
choice. There you go.

Wouldn't really wear
them ones myself, but, yeah...

Working up the courage?No, George
Allen isn't here yet, all right?

And it's nearly six,
so I have to wait. OK?

Maybe it'll blow over by tomorrow.

p*ssy.

Let the game begin!
MUSIC PLAYS

The f*ck?What's going on?
Am I too late? For the firing?

Er, why are you in a mask?

MUSIC OFF

I'm a VIP. From Squid Game.

Oh, I always thought
they were a bit sh*t, really.

Yeah, totally f*cked around
with the show.

Well, from a management
perspective, they were...

..the best thing in it, so...
You're still here.

Oh, yeah, Russell grew a badge
and bottled it.Sexist.Excellent.

Right, how are we going to do this?
What are we thinking?

Yeah, a bit of red light,
green light? No f*cking marbles.

Mulenga, I'm...I'm sorry,
man, but...

..unfortunately, you're...
you're fired.

sh*t! I knew it!

All right, this is nowhere near
as exciting as the Thetford branch.

Can you, like, kick off a bit,
chuck some sh*t around, you know?

No, man, I deserve it.

Well, this has been
a f*cking waste of time.

Are we gonna wish you all the best
in the future in whatever f*cking

underwhelming bullshit job
you end up f*cking doing?

So that's f*cking great...
I'm going to clear out my locker.

Here y'are, I'll come with you.
No, man, it's good.

Wait, so...do I still
work here, then?

VOICEOVER: Mad to think that I used
to walk in that high street without

a care in the bloody world.
I've become a corporate machine,

about to trade in my New Balance
for brogues, my Chelsea boots.

I bet you love coming up here...

..pissing off the edge of the roof.

All those idiots down below totally
nowhere, thinking it's raining.

No, I don't really do that.Listen,
it had to be done, OK? I mean...

..I know he's your mate,
but this is management now, Russell.

You're on to bigger and better
things. You're now the big dog.

Yeah? Arf! Let me hear it.
Yeah? Big dog! Ruff-ruff!

Let me hear you bark.
Arf-arf.That's the one.

Part of being a manager is about
doing things that we need to do.

And it's not necessarily
the things we want to do.

OK.Like, do you think
I want a Rolex?

Yeah?
No, I needed it.

But when I was your age...

Good times.

I hope my being here
really helped you.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, you just
piss away, yeah?Yeah.

You piss away,
my sweet, sweet friend.

Boss!

And whoever you are, come!

What's going on?
Whoever I am?

Is he taking the piss? Doesn't
he read Sports Depot Magazine?

It's not fair. I've made, like, two
grands today, yeah, doing nothing.

And you've lost your whole
career and life's work.

So I'm just going to give you all
my money.I can't let you do that.

That's your ticket out of this dump.

Yeah, but you gave me
the financial advice.

And if you'd followed it,
you'd be in the debt, like me.

But I wanna be in the debt.
It's better that way.

Do you know how stressful it is
working the global stock market?

I'm going to just give you
all my money, honestly.

You'd do that for me?
Yeah. There's just one thing, yeah?

Do you know how I get these space
numbers from my phone to yours?

It's, like, do I need, like,
a wire or something?

I'm really sorry Russell fired you.
f*ck Russell, man!

I've taken him
out of my iPhone faves.

There he is, the bestie! Edgars
has found something. My office, now.

I've always wanted to say that.
Sounds good.

It's got a good ring to it.

I send videos
of angry British people

back home for my family to watch.

Right, and "back home" is...?

Swindon.Swindon.I was sending
Karen's video for my wife to see,

but then I found this new one.

THEY BOTH SHOUT

Trainer thief!

Someone who looks like that calling
ME a trainer thief! That's ironic!

Someone who looks like that...
Someone who looks like that...

Oh, wow, we'll f*cking turn that
off, cos she's a bloody r*cist.

So I'll just jump in there.

Wow. You know what it says
in the Sports Depot code of conduct?

It says that no member of staff
should tolerate hate speech

or r*cist abuse by a customer.
I told you she's a Karen.So...

..I shouldn't have fired him.

I can't tell you
how disappointed I am in you.

But you told me to fire him.

What, a middle-aged white man
firing a black employee who's just

defended himself
against a r*cist customer?

Well, I tell you what, Russell, the
optics don't look great, do they?

They look like
a f*cking car crash.Wow!

You couldn't fire Mulenga
when you should've,

and you shouldn't have fired him
when you did.

You're like the king of f*ck.

So, wait, am I fired or not?You,
sir, are most certainly not fired.

OK? Sports Depot would like to
apologise unreservedly for any

anguish that has been caused
by your manager.

Prick.

And on behalf of Sports Depot,
I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to raise
your salary by 50%,

if that'll stop you
from speaking to anyone about this.

f*ck, man, for that much,
I won't even put it on the socials!

Sort of implicit
in what I'm saying there.

And...

..just, Russell, mate...

..you're fired.

What?I don't think
you can fire yourself, bro.

I've failed you guys.
I've failed my best friend...

I'm not your best friend.
..I've let you down,

I've let you down.
You let me down.

I don't give a f*ck about you.
Most importantly,

I've let down Sports Depot.
So for that, I will fall on

my sword like a Shaolin warrior.
I accept your self-firing, Russell.

Thank you.

But, erm, yeah, you're going to need
to do something for me.

C'mere, big dog.

What do you want me to do?We're
going down.What are we doing?

That's the one.
I don't want to do this...thing.

In your place...Yeah?..effective
immediately, I am proud to hire...

No f*cking way, Jemma. No.

It's Russell.
What the sh*t?What? I'm...?

You may rise.

So I'm rehired?
Effective immediately.

And the best news is, cos of
Sports Depot's fire and rehire

policy, you're going to be on a
starting wage with reduced benefits.

Once again, George Allen
saving the m*therf*cking day!

This is nothing like Squid Game.

What about now?

Oh, watch the step. Thank you.
SHE GIGGLES

I can still taste the oysters.
Yeah, same.

HE BELCHES

Oh, God!Thank you so much for
getting all three desserts.Oh...

I just couldn't choose.That's OK.
Erm, I mean, anything for me woman!

Although I will have to sell
some trainers to pay for it...

..which is cool. Oh, there's
something I want to tell you so.

Shhh. f*ck me like
it's the first time.

It sort of is, really,
if you... OK. We've...

Are you thinking of your ex?

What? No!OK.
No.OK!

f*ck! Jesus!What? I cut my nails
and everything, like you said, so...

No, no, no, no, it's my tattoo.
Oh, right. What, you got a tattoo...

Oh, my God!..there?Yeah,
on my fanny, yeah.Oh, right...

I thought you were getting, like,
a dolphin on your ankle.Oh, my God,

that is really sore, actually.

Oh, so, what, Blaze
was down there?Yeah.Oh.

Down there. For a good few hours,
actually.Can I see it?No!No.

What?!
Can we do me now?

Is that...?

You do you.Yeah?No, you do you.
And I'll do me, yeah?

Oh, I do myself?Yeah.
And I'll do myself.OK.

Don't look at me, though.
All right.

It feels like you're breathing
really loudly.

Oh, it's just a really long belt.

SHE SIGHS

Don't listen.

VOICEOVER: I know
what you're thinking.

That's the best anniversary present
a man can have.

Let me just bite this quickly.

Well...you're wrong.

The real gift is being manager,

giving a pay rise
to your best mate...

Leng.

..proving that Sports Depot
has more to offer than the whole

continent of Australia...

..learning from the best
in the retail game.

No, and I haven't had
a drop of caffeine yet.

I don't give a sh*t
it's your birthday.

..while standing
on the shoulders of giants...

Wait, did he just put
creatinine in his tea?

Still haven't worked
that guy out yet.

HE SLURPS

Dad may have shown me
what it is to be a man...

..but Sports Depot taught me
what it is to be a man...ager.

I can't wait to see what else
it has in store for me.

And I think I speak for everyone
when I say that.

Life giveth...

..and life taketh awayeth.

It took me nine years
to be a manager,

and my only worry
is that I've peaked too soon.

Ask me if I'd do it all over again,
exactly the same.

And I'd tell you, absolutely,
in a really big heartbeat.

And who wouldn't want to start
this trainer collection again?

f*ck's sake.

# I know way too many people
here right now

# That I didn't know last year

# Who the f*ck are y'all?

# I swear it feels like
the last few nights

# We've been everywhere, babe
But I just can't remember at all

# What am I doing?
What am I doing?

# Oh, yeah, that's right,
I'm doing me

# I'm doing me,
I'm living life right now, man

# And this is what I'm gonna do
till it's over

# Till it's over
It's far from over. #