01x05 - Everybody Still Hates Cheat Codes

[bunniefuu]

[hip-hop music]

- The two most important rules

in my family

were, never make eye contact

with a junkie

and never wake my father

when he took his nap

between jobs.

♪

We had to eat quietly.

♪

We had to sneeze quietly.

We had to watch TV quietly.

- At Insane Wayne's,

we're knocking out high prices

with championship deals

on all TV, stereos,

and video games!

And this weekend only, we're

giving away free Nintendos

to whomever can beat

the brand-new video game

"Mike Tyson's Punch-Out"!

That's right--beat the champ,

win a Nintendo!

With promotions like this,

I must be insane!

[grunts]

- Nintendo for free?

Whoo-hoo!

- Shh!

- Back then, a free Nintendo

was a really big deal.

- Shh.

- Shh.

- Now they send me a Nintendo

every time I say Nintendo!

[hip-hop music]

I loved playing

"Mike Tyson's Punch-Out,"

even though the point of the

game was for a small white boy

to beat up

grown-a*s minorities.

Dang it, I lost.

- You almost got

to the end, though.

Man, Mike Tyson is the best--

the only dude from Bed-Stuy

to ever punch his way

into being rich.

- And bite his way

back into being broke.

- Move aside, Cassius Colored.

- Great, Caruso's here.

- Hey, how'd you get

extra health?

- I got a cheat code.

[all gasp]

- Isn't being white

already a cheat code?

- Whoa, he's already

beaten the drunk Russian,

the dancing Dominican, and the

sushi-loving Japanese boxer.

- Caruso enjoy beating up

on those ethnic stereotypes

so much,

you'd think he was the LAPD!

[bell dings]

[all cheer]

- That's not fair.

You can't use a cheat code.

- Well, you got two choices--

me using a cheat code

or me using a beat code.

- I started to wonder,

what was the point

of even trying if someone

could so easily cheat to win?

But I realized people were

using all sorts of cheat codes

to make their lives easier.

- Risky, I-I need help.

My parole officer wants me

to take a drug test.

- Drug-free cup of pee,

10 bucks.

- Risky, I've been dating

a guy for, like, a month,

and I think he's the one.

How do I get him to commit?

- Positive pregnancy test,

20 bucks.

- Hey, Risky, do you know

where I could get

a cheat code for,

uh, "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out"?

- For you, young blood,

I got the ultimate cheat code.

This lets you skip to the

final round to fight "Tyson."

[angelic choir sings]

- Ahh!

[birds cooing]

- Go straight

to the end of the game?

I don't know--that sounds

like a lot of cheating,

and I'm not a cheater.

- At that point

in my life, I wasn't.

- Yeah, so? Here's your chance

to finally take a shortcut.

- The only shortcuts are hard

work and determination, Chris.

- That's as insane as me!

Do you want

a free Nintendo or not?

- I'll take it.

- 10 bucks.

- See?

You don't even have money

to buy a cheat code.

Get a job.

- Um, can I put that

on layaway?

- You get the code

when I get $20.

- 20?

You said 10.

- Well, now I know

you really need it.

- [sighs]

- I'm going to tell Daddy

you're trying to steal money

from the couch.

- [scoffs] You trying

to buy a cheat code?

You'll never catch

me using one.

They're for cheaters.

It says so right in the name.

- Hey, dum-dum, your face

is a cheat code.

- She's right!

- You fine, Drew!

- You can butter

my biscuits anytime!

- Shoo!

Take your hormones elsewhere!

- Well, your cheat code is

always blaming stuff on Chris.

- Is not.

- Is too.

- Daddy, Chris is making

me and Drew argue.

- Chris, don't make

your brother and sister fight.

[sighs] Anybody seen

my work shirt?

- Big Man!

Thank you for letting me

borrow your work shirt.

- My Uncle Mike came to stay

with us while his bedroom

was being fumigated.

While he had a pest problem,

we had an Uncle Mike problem.

But my mother always

defended her brother.

- Uncle Mike used

my yellow belt as a napkin

and got Cheeto dust

all over it.

- Now you got an orange belt--

problem solved.

- Uncle Mike used

my "Miami Vice" doll

as a bottle opener

and popped off Tubbs' head.

- Then start liking

Sonny Crockett better--

problem solved.

- Uncle Mike stole my kidney

while I was asleep!

- You still got another one--

problem solved.

- I figured you was throwing

out your work shirt

due to the mustard

I accidentally spilt on it.

By the way,

you're out of mustard.

- You took my work shirt

and spilled 3-cent worth

of mustard on it?

- Julius, just wear

your old work shirt for today--

problem solved.

- [growling]

Chris, take Drew and Tonya

to get haircuts, now.

- Whenever my mother

and father

were going to do

some real yelling,

she'd send us out

to get haircuts.

In the spring of '85,

I was one argument away

from being bald.

- Cheat code.

- I'll take the kids.

- Damn it, Julius.

My brother is trying his best.

Can you just be nice?

- Mike doesn't deserve nice.

He deserves a foot in his a*s.

- Oh-h*-h*,

I ain't taking sibling advice

from a man who makes any excuse

to not talk to his own brother!

- Me and Louis not talking

is exactly what makes

our relationship work.

- Julius, your brother's

on the phone.

[garbage disposal whirring]

[sighs]

My brother means a lot to me.

Can you please be cool

about this, for me?

- [sighs] Okay, I'll try.

You know, we're alone.

I got a little time

before my first job.

I'm already not wearing pants.

- Mm, sorry, I got to go clean

the bathroom.

There's mustard everywhere.

- [groans]

- Hey, Manny, if I sweep up

all this hair,

can you give me $20?

- You're already doing

it for free, dummy.

Besides, what you need money

for so badly anyway?

- I'm trying to buy

a cheat code for a video game.

- I wish I had a cheat code

to get out of Nam.

The only cheat code for that

was to be white

- Oh.

- Or die.

- Whew.

- Cheat codes for Black folks

are few and far between.

- I totally agree.

So can I borrow $20?

- I don't have $20, little man.

I'll give you something better,

a free story about choices.

- I'd rather have the money.

- Too late!

Chris, like you,

I once had a choice

between taking the hard road

or using a cheat code

to make my life easier.

- [groans]

- That makes Thurgood Marshall

our first n*gro

Supreme Court Justice,

a job that entitles him

to a lifetime salary,

free meals, and

an endless supply of robes,

all on the backs of white

middle-class taxpayers.

Lots to celebrate, for him.

- Isn't it so inspiring?

- Yeah.

Salary, food, robes!

Mm!

That man is set for life.

I got to be a judge.

[upbeat music]

But as I pursued

my judge dream,

I realized I misjudged

how hard it was

to become an actual judge.

Wait, I got to go

to law school, too?

Shi-i-i-t.

I started to doubt

if I'd reach my dream

of living that easy life.

But the day your parents

got engaged

was the day

I got my cheat code.

- And he took a second job

just to pay for the ring.

He delivered my newspaper,

and then he delivered my heart.

We're getting married!

- Taking two jobs was worth it

for Rochelle.

I'm sure it's just temporary.

- [sobbing]

Both of my babies are leaving.

One's becoming a judge,

one's getting married.

Who's gonna eat

my free cooking?

[sobs] Whose laundry

am I gonna do?

Who's gonna unstick me

from this couch on a hot day?

Oh, Lord, now I'm stuck!

[wailing]

- Julius,

this might be too much

for Mama to take right now.

You know what, Mike?

After we get married,

Julius and I will move in

so you can go to law school.

- Oh.

[smooth music]

- You hungry, baby?

You got to eat up

for your studies.

♪

- As much as I love my dream,

I love you even more, 'Chelle.

I'll stay home.

- No, Mike, you can't do that.

- Yes, he can!

Thanks, Mike. We owe you.

- I'm going to hold you

to that.

Staying home gave me

financial security, free meals,

and I still get

all the robes I need.

- Wait a second.

He used his story

to get out of paying me!

That grifting man-child.

- That man is a genius.

- He's not a genius.

He's a delusional fool.

Right, baby?

[smooching]

- Yeah, but the point is,

he used a cheat code

and got what he wanted.

- Look, Chris, do you think

Mike Tyson used cheat codes

to get where he's at?

You trying to be like

Iron Mike or Uncle Mike?

- Aah!

- [snoring]

- Back at home, my dad was

doing his best to play nice,

but Uncle Mike was breaking

my family's biggest rule.

- Big Man!

- Huh?

- Just got back

from the barber.

You want some lunch?

- No, I want some sleep!

- I heard you got

some leftover pot pie.

Can I have it?

- You can make love to that

pot pie, for all I care.

Just get out!

- Big Man!

What do you cook a pie at?

- 425, uncovered

for 10 minutes.

What am I doing?

Listen!

Do not bother me again

unless it's an emergency!

Got it?

Please!

- Big Man, emergency!

There's no pie left.

- You did what?

You can't just throw him out.

He's my brother!

- If I don't get my nap, then

I get tired driving my truck.

If I get tired driving

my truck, I could fall asleep.

If I fall asleep,

I could crash.

If I crash, I could die.

If I die

[grunts]

You have to get two jobs!

[grunts]

Is that what you want?

- Take your stupid nap.

I'm going to look

for my brother.

[door slams]

- [grumbling] Stupid Mike.

Stupid pot pie.

Stupid.

[door bells jingle]

[hip-hop music]

[door closes, bells jingle]

- So, Chris,

I heard you're trying

to get yourself a cheat code.

- Who's cheating?

- She's cheating

with some man named Code?

- Is that Marci's boy?

- Do he got a job?

- Yeah, it's

for a video game contest.

[all groan]

- [sighs] But I'm not sure

if I should anymore.

- He means he'd cheat if he

could, but he's too broke.

- Using cheat codes

is a bad idea if you ask me.

Want to hear my life story?

- No, thank you.

- I come from a long line

of hairdressers.

My grandmother became

the first person

to give a white woman

cornrows.

The community got so mad, she

was banned from doing hair,

and our whole family looked

awful for generations.

It was a symbol of our shame.

- If you're so ashamed,

then why do you have all these

sad-a*s family photos up?

Ow! Hey!

- Oops.

I display them

as a constant reminder

that you can overcome anything.

I put myself

through beauty school,

opened my own salon,

and finally brought respect

back to my family, while also

scaring away white women

from seeking cornrows.

- Wait, I thought

you opened this salon

with the money you got

from jumping

in front of that Cadillac.

That's how you won

the Bed-Stuy lottery!

A broken neck

got you a token check!

- I didn't purposely get hit!

all: Mm

- Chris, I once had

a choice, too,

between using a cheat code

or putting in hard work.

Let me tell you a real story

about hard work.

- Damn, do I have

a sign on my back that says

"tell me your life story"?

- I was a single mom,

looking for the best way

to provide for Tasha.

One day, I thought

I found a cheat code

to earn me some quick cash.

But I learned real quick

just how hard the job was.

I was allergic

to the latex uniform.

The fried-fish buffet

made me nauseous.

And worst of all--

the spotlight was so bright,

I couldn't see a damn thing.

Whoa!

[crowd gasps]

Ahh.

Now, who wants a lap dance?

- You okay, Peaches?

- This ain't going to cut it.

- You want to make

some real money?

We're about to stiff

some tricks.

I slip them three of these, and

I'm getting me in some wills.

- Now, I had a choice.

I could get better at

stripping to make more money,

or I could steal

from some customers.

Nope, no shortcuts today, Tina.

And so I put in the hard work.

I adjusted to the spotlights.

I found an itch cream

for the latex rashes.

And eventually enjoyed

the fish buffet.

And, most importantly,

I made enough money

to get Tasha into day care

and then some!

- Look, Mommy, it's you

without the C-section scar.

- If I had used a cheat code

like those other girls,

I would have ended up

just like them, in prison.

- You did end up in prison.

- I went to jail!

Get it right!

My point is,

I didn't use a cheat code,

and I turned out great.

[device beeping]

Uh-oh.

Um, I-I got to go.

Bye, Chris.

You know what to do.

- No. No, I have no idea.

Y'all just confused me

even more.

- Ooh, I'm telling Daddy

you're thinking about cheating.

- Tonya snitching on my

Black a*s for thought crimes

was the real Minority Report.

Just 'cause I'm thinking

about it

doesn't mean

I'm going to do it.

[sighs] If only

God gave me a sign.

[tires squeal, people gasp]

- [sniffs]

[engine revving]

- Looks like my prayers

have been answered.

A broken neck gets you

a token check

and a cheat code

for a brand-new Nintendo.

All right.

[tires screech, horn honks]

Oh, hell, no!

- Ooh, I'm telling Daddy

you tried to get hit by a car

but chickened out.

- Damn.

Now what?

Huh.

[hip-hop music playing]

[thud, screech]

Aah!

- What the hell?

- Oh!

You ran over my foot!

Oh, the pain!

- [gasps]

- The pain!

- Boy, you messing with me?

I ran over that brick!

- Who are the cops are going

to believe, me or that brick?

Oh, the pain!

Lord, don't take me now!

I have so much to live for!

Best acting I ever did,

till I made "Grown Ups 2."

- Damn.

We're both businessmen.

What do you want?

- Give me that

cheat code for free.

- Use the cheat code

to get a cheat code.

Respect, young blood.

- I still didn't know if using

cheat codes was good or bad,

but I figured I could worry

about that

after I won the Nintendo!

I got the cheat code,

and you don't got one ♪

Nintendo, here I come ♪

Hey.

- Oh, that's great, Chris.

Now you won't be a total loser.

- It's mine.

- The Nintendo will keep me

and my family warm

this cold, cold winter.

- If we take one back to Haiti,

we can power the whole country.

- Maybe a Nintendo will make

my dad come back.

- Damn, I thought I wanted

to use this cheat code,

but now I don't know.

- At least you have a choice.

These kids are way

worse off than us.

[beeping]

- [gasps] "Kid, if you need

a cheat code to beat me,

"it's okay.

"Just be willing to live

with the consequences

of your actions."

Uh, thanks, champ?

"Thank yourself.

"I'm just your conscience.

The real me would never give

advice without getting paid."

- Watch it, Leon Stinks.

- Hey, everybody,

you guys want a cheat code?

Maybe we can all win Nintendos.

- Yes!

This is the first time

I felt hope

since my mom left me

at the firehouse!

- Hey, honey,

you have a good nap?

- I don't know.

Why are you being

so nice to me?

Am I still napping?

- Here, baby,

I fixed you a plate.

- Thanks, 'Chelle.

What's up, Big Man?

Oop, time

for "The People's Court."

If not for the sacrifices

I made for this family,

me and Judge Wapner

could've been judge friends.

- I see you found Mike.

Well, I found my size-12 boot

so I can kick his a*s

out again.

[bell dings]

- Chris, take Drew and Tonya

to get haircuts, now.

- Uh, Chris and Drew

aren't here.

And we already got

haircuts today.

- Then go watch TV

with Uncle Mike!

- Damn it, woman! Why are you

always taking his side?

All he ever takes is seconds.

- Because we owe him.

Without Mike, we wouldn't be

so g*dd*mn happy right now!

- [whispering] Don't you see

he's a guilt-tripper

just like your mom?

He's guilt-tripped

you your whole life,

and he's doing it again now!

- No, he's not.

[gavel bangs on TV loudly]

Mike, can you turn it down

so me and Julius

can argue in peace, please?

- I can't hear you!

My eardrums are blown out

from years of listening

to Mama's CPAP machine.

You sure are lucky you left.

- Okay, keep it

as loud as you want.

Oh, okay, you're right!

He is a guilt-tripper,

but he's my brother, Julius.

I don't know

how to say no to him.

- All you have to do is talk

to him and be honest.

I'll be in your corner

the whole time.

- Fine.

I'll ask him to leave.

- While my mom was about

to battle Uncle Mike,

it was almost my turn

to battle Iron Mike.

[all cheer]

[lo-fi electronic music]

♪

[beeping]

[all cheering]

♪

- Chris, you're up.

[hip-hop music]

♪

Keep your head in the game.

You can do this.

- Okay, Rochelle,

you can do this.

- Mike, I love you,

but I think it's time you left.

- Get him, Mama!

- That's it, baby!

- [grunts]

- Yeah, that's it, baby!

- Why are you

calling me "baby"?

- Why are you talking to me?

Focus!

- Okay, what you got, Mike?

[bell dings]

- Okay, what you got, Mike?

- You promised me

I could stay longer.

And I kept my promise

to live with our parents

so you can go off

and get married.

So now you have to keep yours.

[plate clatters]

- I--Ooh.

- Oh, that's okay.

We knew he'd throw that one.

Stay strong, Rochelle!

[bell dings]

- Stay strong, Chris.

You got this!

- [slurps]

- Ugh!

- Ooh, he nailed you

good with that hook!

- Ugh!

- And that jab.

- Ugh!

- And that uppercut.

Oh, don't give up, Chris!

- You can't give up, Rochelle.

You got this.

- Mike, I'll always be grateful

for what you did,

but I can't let you

guilt-push me around anymore!

- Well, if that's how you feel,

I guess I'll go.

But the news you threw your

beloved brother to the curb

is going to be hard on Mama

and her already-fragile

pacemaker.

[both gasp]

- Oh, no, he didn't.

- [breathing heavily]

- Whoa!

- Ha ha!

You're going to lose,

Blacky Balboa!

- Not today, I'm not.

I didn't cheat my way

this far not to win!

all: Whoa.

[gasp]

- Go for the knockout, Chris!

- Go for the knockout,

Rochelle!

- Fine, tell Mama

I'm kicking you out.

While you're at it,

also tell her

you messed up

Drew's karate belt,

broke Tonya's doll,

ruined Julius' work shirt,

and made those calls

to 1-900-HOOCHIE!

Or maybe I should call her.

- [gasps]

On second thought,

I just remembered--

my special lady friend

lives a few blocks away

and can put me up.

So see y'all at Thanksgiving

for ten days!

And, also, please have

some turkey pot pie.

[door slams]

- [huffs]

- Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Way to go, Mama!

- You did it, baby!

He's someone else's

problem now.

- Yes! I am the champ

of the living room.

I am the champ of the family!

- And my parents' cheat code

to a happier life

was having each other.

- Yo, you're about

to win, Chris!

Go for the super uppercut!

- [breathes deeply]

[game beeping]

- Yes!

You knocked him down!

all:

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight, nine--

[electricity zaps,

all groan]

- Huh?

Are you kidding me?

- Oh, no!

Looks like a totally random

and unexpected power outage!

Sorry, kids,

the promotion is canceled.

- That day, I learned

a valuable lesson.

Even if you got a cheat code

to make life easier,

there's always somebody

with a better one

to screw you over.

- Way to go, Muhammad A-Loser!

- [grunts] Why?

- Everybody

still hates Chris ♪

Oh, oh

[lo-fi electronic music]

♪