01x07 - Everybody Still Hates Breakdancing

[bunniefuu]

[militaristic drum cadence]

- Today nerds are cool,

but in the '80s,

we had a whole class

dedicated to

reminding us we weren't, gym.

[groaning]

- [sniff] I love the smell of

torn underwear in the morning.

- But misery loves company,

and my company was Greg.

I was lucky to have him,

especially because it was the

most miserable time of year,

dodgeball week.

[sighs]

Are you ready for this?

- Here.

I have an extra.

- I don't want

your hand-me-down cup.

- If you don't use one, you'll

need some hand-me-down nuts.

- Dodgeball was five days

of state-sanctioned

child warfare.

It started in PE.

[whistle blows]

Ugh!

[whistle blows]

But it affected

every class in school,

social studies, science.

We weren't even safe

if we were right outside

the principal's office.

Ugh!

Seriously?

Huh?

[mysterious music]

♪

- Thank you for being a friend.

- Greg, I found a way

for us to dodge dodgeball.

- What is it?

Seducing Principal Morello?

You should do that.

You know she likes

her milk chocolate.

- No, look.

It says if students

start a club

based on physical activity,

they're excused from gym class.

We should start a club.

- You're a friggin' genius!

But we gotta do this soon.

I'm running out of underwear.

- And I'm down to my last pair.

[gasps]

And now they're ruined.

[upbeat hip-hop music]

- This rules.

We'll finally have a place

where we can chill and not have

things flying at our heads.

- That's why we have

to fly under the radar.

So let's pick an

activity no one likes.

Tennis?

- No way.

White people love tennis.

It's the only sport

we still dominate.

- Not for long.

- What about Jazzercise?

- No, that'll attract girls,

and girls attract bullies.

But something dance-related

could be good.

What's a dance

white people can't do?

Every one of them.

I got it!

- A breakdancing club.

What a fly idea!

You b-boys be busting

moves like in "Breakin' 2:

Electric Boogaloo."

- Right.

- But darn, you need a third

member to start any club,

and unfortunately,

no one else at Tattaglia can

breaka-breaka-break it down.

- No problem.

I know a brother.

Thanks for doing this, Drew.

- Oh, I'm not

doing this for you.

I just love

all the martial arts.

- Breakdancing

is a martial art?

- The robot

is all karate chops.

[grunting]

- I'm so excited you boys are

bringing your urban flavor

to our school.

This is definitely

going in the newsletter.

- Wait, is that black

mold on the walls?

- I don't see color, Chris.

I only see mold.

- My sister Tonya had

attitude and her own key,

which to her

seventh-grade girl g*ng

meant she was grown

and in charge.

- Uh, algebra

was pretty fun today.

- Yeah, it kind of was.

- No, it wasn't.

- Yeah, I hate algebra.

- Me too, always have.

- But she was about to get

booted by a belly button.

- Damn, Sally.

- Whoa.

A crop top!

- I got my mom

to buy this for me.

Can you believe it?

- You're so lucky.

Here I am, stuck in

these little kid clothes.

- Uh, aren't you cold in that?

- Yeah, but I feel hot.

[both giggling]

- Huh,

anyone seen my house key?

Oh.

[chuckles]

Here it is.

Gotta get home

and let myself in.

Come on.

Aren't you coming?

- Oh, I kind of want a calzone.

- Oh, we'll keep you company!

- Mind if I take

a sip of your drink?

[slurping]

Ahh.

[both slurping]

both: Ahh.

- There was a new

queen bee, and Tonya

was feeling the sting.

- The usual, Julius,

or something fancy today?

- Fancy?

Whatcha gonna do,

paint an 8 on there

and sink him

in the corner pocket?

[laughter]

- Ha-ha.

Just the usual, Manny.

That's how my wife likes it.

How does your wife

like it, Mr. Omar?

Oh, that's right.

You don't got one.

- Ooh.

- Ohh.

- You're right.

I don't have a wife.

I have my customers' wives.

[laughs]

- [whistles]

Would you look at her?

Yo, Monk, let me

hold a dollar so I

can get change and

bounce four quarters off

of that fine behind.

- Look, Mr. Julius.

- Yeah, she's got some,

uh, debris in the caboose.

- What in the name

of high-waisted

jeans are you talking about?

- I don't know

how to explain it.

I kind of have butt blindness.

- The hell you mean

"butt blindness"?

- I can see them, but they

all look the same to me.

I can't tell Grace Jones

from Quincy Jones.

[all gasp]

- You're missing out on one

of life's greatest pleasures.

Tragic!

- Well, I only got eyes

for my wife anyway.

- But you've never really

seen her booty, have you?

- Uh--

[romantic music]

- You see anything

you like, baby?

- Damn, woman.

Looking real lumpy today.

- Lumpy?

The only thing that's gonna

have lumps around here

is your head.

- Ooh.

- What?

- Does she know?

- You crazy.

How can I tell

my wife I haven't

ever really seen her a*s?

- From behind

bulletproof glass.

- We're gonna help you.

- It's our duty as men.

[frog ribbits]

[bell rings]

- All right, let's get the

paperwork out of the way.

Official name,

Breakdancing Club.

- What about The Dance Lads?

- No.

OK, president, me.

- When did you

become president?

- This was all Chris's idea.

- None of this matters.

- Then as

co-president, I agree.

- [sighs]

Fine.

You can be co-president.

And Drew can be VP.

- Cool.

- Oh, can I be treasurer, too?

I want an extra picture

in the yearbook.

- I'm gonna go stretch.

- Wait, are we actually gonna

learn how to breakdance?

- No, it's quiet, and if I fall

asleep, no one's gonna write

"King Kong" on my forehead.

So I'm gonna take a nap.

- Well, then,

what am I gonna do?

- [yawns] You're the

treasurer, so treasure

the time you spend not having

stuff thrown at your head.

- [snoring]

[car horns honking]

- Thanks for taking

me shopping, Mama.

- Of course, baby.

None of my kids

gonna look raggedy.

What do you need?

New socks?

Barrettes?

Something else inexpensive?

- Just something a little

more seventh grade, you know?

- Aw, what about this?

It's so cute.

- I was thinking

something more like this.

- The rest of that shirt

better still be on the rack.

- It's a crop top, Mama.

- Why on Earth do

you want me to pay

full price for half a shirt?

- I don't know.

My friend has one.

It's just in, OK?

- Let's find something in that

doesn't have your stomach out.

- [groans] I just want

to look more grown.

- What's wrong with

looking your age?

- What's wrong with

looking more grown?

I shouldn't be walking

around my school

looking like a stripper.

- Mm, that felt personal.

All I wanna do is play

dress-up with you,

and you out here

trying to be a nun.

- Ohh.

- Sweetie, I'm your

mom, and I really

think you should stick with

stuff like this for now, OK?

- OK.

You're right, Mama.

[knock at door]

Please help me.

- [snoring]

[gasps]

Were you gonna write

on my forehead?

- No.

Maybe.

I don't know.

I'm bored.

Hey, I have an idea.

Motion to invite

girls to the club.

- Greg, I like girls, too.

Everyone likes girls.

But everyone includes

bullies, and bullies

will give us wedgies

in front of the girls.

Is that what you want?

- Maybe we should vote on it.

- Greg, no!

Absolutely not!

- Yeah, this is Chris's club.

- OK, fine.

No girls.

[both gasp]

- You look hot upside down.

- Augh!

- Whoa, what's this?

Some guests

of the female persuasion?

Ladies, come in.

- What the hell, man?

- It's just two girls

from my chemistry class.

Don't worry.

Ladies, welcome to my club.

Ugh, filled out

a ton of paperwork.

So tiring.

Do you mind if I rest

my carpal tunnels?

- He's taking advantage of you.

- No, he's not.

- I'm here for Greg's club.

- This is a little

conservative,

but this will look cute on you.

- [gasps]

You'd let me have that?

- Um, I'll let you borrow it.

Stand up.

Yes!

You see that, Tasha?

This is how you make

your mommy proud of you.

- I made principal's list

for the 50th week in a row.

- And I've been on

parole for 48 weeks,

but you don't see me bragging.

Let me see your face, girl.

You got pretty eyes, Tonya.

- Really?

- Mm.

We gotta use them.

Get you back on top with

your little girl g*ng.

Now hold up the top with it.

Mm-hmm.

We do that,

maybe some earrings.

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Check yourself out!

- Damn, I look grown enough

to buy a lottery ticket.

[bell rings]

- The next day, my

brother looked forward

to breaking while

I looked forward

to actually taking a break.

[indistinct chatter]

Damn it.

But Greg had turned

our club into da club.

- "Damn it"?

That's it?

Even your bully is here.

Be more mad.

- Why?

It's just Greg being Greg.

- Well, Greg is selfish.

Isn't he always like this?

- Uh--

- Thanks, homey.

- At least it's

two against one.

Ugh!

- Hi, Chris.

What's going on?

- Chris pooped his pants

yesterday, but my underwear?

Bone dry.

Eh, it's a numbers game.

- Chris,

he is not a good friend.

You need to

stand up for yourself.

- Ha-ha-ha-ha!

- Greg, this is supposed

to be our thing.

Get these people out of here.

- No, I want girls here.

- Nice club, Chris.

Here's my membership fee.

[together] Ooh!

- Ow!

See?

I told you girls

would bring bullies!

We're supposed to look

out for each other,

but you only care

about yourself.

So as president,

I say we vote you out.

- As VP, I second.

- Well, as co-president and

treasurer, I get two votes,

and I vote I stay.

- He thinks his

vote is twice mine?

That's even worse than the

Three-Fifths Compromise.

[together] Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

- That's not how

we solve things.

I came to check on

you guys, and it looks

like I arrived just in time.

There's only one way

to resolve this--

a breakdance battle

here, tomorrow.

- Seriously?

That's the only way?

- It's the only way

I can make sure I have

my good camera

to take pictures.

[funky music]

♪

- [chuckling]

Hey.

- Whoa.

- Damn, Tonya.

- [giggles]

What?

- [sighs]

What'll it be?

- I'm trying to piss off my

boss enough to get severance.

What's your nastiest flavor?

- The Chitlin' Juice glazed.

I should just stop making it.

- Gross.

Give me a dozen.

[gasps]

Oh, hell no!

- You think my crop

top is too short,

or is it cool my house key

pokes out from under it?

[dramatic music]

Ah!

Mama, what are you doing?

- You think you grown now, huh?

Let's go.

I'm gonna beat the

pepperoni out your behind.

[laughter]

[funky music]

- Let's start with an easy one.

Pretend this is a small butt.

How would you

describe its shape?

- Ooh, ooh, ooh, pineapple!

♪

That's Vanessa Williams.

Nope.

Janet Jackson.

Nope.

Bob Newhart.

- Maybe you just need

glasses to see them asses.

Now, which one is k*ll Moves?

- Uh, it's a trick question.

They're both k*ll Moves.

- Damn, you're not just butt

blind, you're bum blind.

- None of this is working.

It's like I'm not

even a Black man.

- You just spent seven

hours at a barbershop.

You Black.

- Still,

tough break, Mr. Julius.

- But hey, thanks for reminding

us not to take booties

for granted.

- The next time I see

a big beautiful behind,

I'm gonna tell it

how much I love it.

- 20 minutes later,

he got arrested

for harassing a police horse.

- Peaches, open the damn door!

- My mom hadn't been

this mad at Peaches

since, well, the last time

she interacted with Peaches.

- Don't make me get

my battering ram!

Oh, hi, baby.

Is your mommy home?

- I'm right here.

Go watch TV.

- I need to prepare

for bible study.

- You're gonna

study for a study?

Oh, my god.

Sometimes, I swear, I wonder

if she's even my daughter.

Then I remember how

she wrecked my--

- Peaches, did you

dress up my daughter

in your hoochie clothes?

- Yeah, I bought all these

fly clothes for Tasha,

and she won't wear them.

I'm sorry, Rochelle.

I was just trying

to have some fun.

- You can't do whatever you

want just because it's fun.

- Damn, you sound like my mom.

- Oh, please.

- My mom was so strict, never

let me wear what I wanted,

embarrassed me in front of all

my friends, but I showed her.

The day I turned 18,

I got out the house

and did whatever

I wanted, partying,

drinking, messing around.

Well, except after

Tasha was born.

I couldn't hook up with

anybody for months.

My downstairs was a mess.

- Thank you, Peaches.

- You're welcome.

Wait, for what?

- I didn't know how to

breakdance, but luckily,

neither did Greg.

- Give him a Bed-Stuy beatdown!

But don't beat him so badly

he ends up r*cist forever.

- This should be over quickly.

- All righty, b-boys.

Whichever one of you can get

the crowd most hyped wins.

Chris, you go first.

[funky music]

- [grunting]

OK.

Mm.

Ahh!

[cheers and applause]

- That was terrible, but I

bet Greg will be even worse.

[funky music]

- My turn.

[together]

Oh! Ooh!

- [grunting]

[chuckles]

[together]

Ohh! Damn!

- How did his white a*s

learn to do all that?

- White people

had a secret tool

to learn how to breakdance,

Alfonso Ribeiro.

♪

- Now watch this, suckas.

Ah!

Ow.

Ow.

My neck.

Oh, god, I think I

swallowed my Adam's apple.

[together]

Boo!

- Ow!

- Uh-oh.

This feels lawsuit-y.

Uh, the club is canceled.

Everyone, back to regular gym.

- Ugh!

- I'll go warm up

my dodgeball arm.

- If something happens, can

I have your baseball cards?

- [groans]

- If you're gonna

whup me again,

can you wait until

I finish my algebra?

It's hard to solve for Y

when all I can think about

is why my butt stings.

- I'm not gonna

whup you, but help

me understand, why is dressing

all grown so important to you?

- Remember my friend Sally?

She got a crop top,

and now everyone's

paying more attention to her.

I just feel kicked to the curb.

- I guess me bugging out

like I did at the pizza

parlor didn't help.

- Yeah.

- [sighs] When I saw you

wearing those clothes,

I was mad as hell, but I

was more upset that you

went to Peaches

because you felt

like you couldn't talk to me.

I don't want you to

become like Peaches.

- I don't wanna be Peaches!

- Oh, thank god.

- I mean, Peaches has

some cute outfits,

but sometimes

she be looking crazy.

- So what do you want?

- I guess I just want my

friends to still respect me.

But I also wanna

wear what I want.

But that crop top made

my belly feel cold.

I don't know what to do.

- Well,

I'm glad you came to me.

- Uh, you came in here.

- Tonya, do you want

me to fix this or not?

- Yes, fine, yes.

- OK.

Well, here's what you're gonna

say to your little friends.

- You know, you should really

eat something before dodgeball.

- No, it's better to get

hit on an empty stomach.

- Are you sure?

You got no muscle, so you

should have a little fat

to absorb the blows.

- [sighs]

- Isn't it better

to not have to deal

with that selfish clown?

- Yeah, I guess.

- You're better

off without him.

Now you can get real good at

"Solitaire" or, like, thinking.

- Hey, Jerome.

What are you doing here?

- It just didn't

sit right with me

to give up on you

like that, brother.

There's something blocking you.

We need to go deeper.

Are you down for some hypnosis?

- You know how to do hypnosis?

- I took a course.

You don't think

I got aspirations?

Damn.

- At this point,

what have I got to lose?

- OK.

Now follow the watch.

- Hey, that's my watch!

- You wanna be fixed or not?

Now follow the watch.

Follow the watch.

[mystical music]

[organ music]

- Sweet baby Jesus!

- What are you looking at, son?

- What?

- You wanna go to hell?

You're breaking one of

the Ten Commandments!

Thou shalt not covet

thy neighbor's backside!

- [groans]

- That's it!

My dad scared the love

of butts out of me!

What do I do?

- I'll just hypnotize

that out of you.

Follow the watch.

You were once blind,

but now you can see.

Butts, bottoms, tushies,

booties,

derrieres, dat a*s.

All right, moment of truth.

Whose butt is this?

- [gasps]

Pam Grier.

And that one is

different than that one.

I can see Pam Grier's butt!

- Yo, keep it down!

Your wife might hear you.

- My wife?

Baby, I'm coming for your a*s!

[all slurping]

- Hey.

- Oh.

Hey, Tonya.

- That was pretty crazy

the other day with your mom.

- [snorts, coughs]

Sorry, it's not funny.

- Nah, it's all right.

Y'all haven't seen

her, have you?

- Your mom?

No.

Why?

[gasps]

Here she comes.

Why is she following you?

- She got me on a tight

watch because last night,

I called her a b*tch.

- [gasps]

- Whoa.

- Dang, Tonya.

You're bad.

- Mind if I take

a sip of your soda?

[funky music]

♪

Thank you.

- [sighs]

My girl is back on top.

Damn, I'm a good mother.

- Ooh-whee!

Look at that a*s!

- You catcalling mother--

Julius, what are you doing?

And why do you have that

goofy grin on your face?

- I'm seeing things

I've never seen before.

You're just so fine.

- OK, Julius, calm down.

Let's get you home.

[sultry music]

- It's so beautiful.

[militaristic drum cadence]

- With Greg injured,

I was on my own.

- [grunting]

Damn it, forgot my cup.

- Do you want me to destroy

your left nut or right nut?

- Left.

Oh!

- It's only lightly used.

- Ow.

- [groans]

- I realized Greg

wasn't the best friend,

but he was a friend.

And for now,

that was good enough.

- By the way, I,

uh, got this for you

since I know you couldn't

eat before dodgeball.

both:

Can't play on a full stomach.

- [chuckles]

- I'm sorry for

ruining our club.

I'll try to be a better friend.

- Thanks, Greg.

[gasps, groans]

- Starting tomorrow,

I'll be a better friend.

singers: Everybody

still hates Chris ♪

[vocalizing]

- Sally,

come back here, young lady.

- Tina, you OK?

- Sally just called me a b*tch.

Where is she picking

this stuff up?

[funky music]