01x10 - Everybody Still Hates Career Tests

[bunniefuu]

- One, two, three, four.

- Growing up, I was

horrible at taking tests.

If it was pass-fail,

I failed to pass.

But there was one

test I couldn't fail--

the career test.

- CEO.

- Tap dancer.

[feet tapping]

- Virgin corpse in urban pond.

How does this test

know I'm a virgin?

- It's not like these

results are binding.

Dispensable army private.

- Future Private Greg Wuliger,

I'm going to whip

your pasty a*s.

Come with me.

- I am so in there.

[chuckles]

- Entrepreneur.

All right.

- He was already making

a fortune renting

out tapes of everything

from pay-per-view

fights to adult videos.

If the test was

right about Caruso,

was it right about me, too?

- You got any

Nancy Reagan movies,

if you know what I mean?

Huh?

- [sighs]

[upbeat hip-hop music]

- My mom had spent months

trying to get laid off

for severance,

but nothing was working

to help her stop working.

[cheers and applause]

♪

- Oh, these white

people and their cakes.

I got to shred something.

[shredder whirring]

Ah, that's better.

[shredder whirring]

- Is this what

everybody's paid?

Why is everybody

making more than me?

- 30 cents less for being a

woman and $2 for being Black.

I wanted to prove my

career test wrong,

so I was looking

for any help I could get.

- Hi, I'm Jody Devry.

Are you tired of feeling lost?

both: Yes.

- Are you tired

of feeling confused?

- Yes.

- All it takes to find

your purpose in life

is a mere $19.95.

- Dad--

both: I need $19.95.

- No.

- $19.95 wouldn't fix

your life anyway, Chris.

- I'd pay $19.95

for you to shut up.

- People love listening to me.

That's why they cast me as

the understudy for Dorothy

in Lamont Sanford Junior High's

production of "The Wiz."

- My sister, an understudy.

- [gasps] Daddy,

you got a VCR for a VIP?

You shouldn't have.

- Sorry, baby.

No, this is a gift for your

grandfather's birthday.

[knock on door]

- Aw.

[together]

Hey, Uncle Louis.

- You're back in town again.

- So soon.

- Well, duty called,

and I said hello duty.

And duty said,

would you like to pick up

a second job as a

third-string chiropractor

for the New York Giants?

And I said yes.

- Two jobs.

Copycat.

- Well, my two jobs pay well,

so it's different.

Ooh, is that a present

for our daddy?

I hate to be the

bearer of bad news,

but I got him an entertainment

system with a VCR.

Well, he could still use

yours as a doorstop, though.

- Oh, no, this isn't for Daddy.

This is for my kids.

- But you said that

we didn't have enough--

- Let this play out.

- [grunting]

- Dad.

- Oh, they're so great.

- [grumbling]

- Aw.

[grunts]

- Can't return that now.

- Oh! I'm going to tape

every single musical on PBS.

- No musicals.

They're so unrealistic.

People never break

into song like that.

- Characters break into song

because their emotions run so

high that words aren't enough.

Like when your

brother is so annoying ♪

- What did you get Daddy, then?

- Oh, I got him

something so amazing.

[chuckles]

Wait till you see it ♪

[sighs]

[bell rings]

[sneaky music]

- Thanks for getting

the tape for me.

Caruso would have

just flicked my nuts

while calling me the *-word.

- He actually asked me

to do that on his behalf,

but I'm not gonna.

- I appreciate it.

Wait, this isn't

a Jody Devry video.

What's "Urethral Weapon"?

- Yeah, Caruso doesn't have a

self-help tape in his locker,

so I rented a porno.

- What?

- Look, I know I keep saying

I'm so in there, but I--

I don't know how

to get in there.

And I got to know

before I ship out

and international babes

are throwing themselves

at me at every port.

- You should have asked me

before spending my money.

- I did you a favor.

You got to prove

your career test wrong

by learning how to bone.

- I guess you're right.

What's the point of even having

a future if I'm a virgin?

- Did you flick his nuts?

- Of course.

I very much did that.

- [groaning]

- If the tape's not returned

rewound in mint condition

in exactly 12 hours,

I'll make you a virgin corpse

in an urban pond.

[together]

You must pay, or no subway.

Please give us all more money.

- What's all this?

- For too long,

the MTA has disrespected us.

- Augh.

- Sorry, we're on strike.

What do we want?

[together] Better pay.

- When do we want it?

[together]

Now!

[bell dings]

- I'm coming for

my equal pay, Tim.

- Who's Tim?

- OK, one more time,

and I'm going to shove

that thing in you sideways.

[sensual saxophone music]

- This is the best

day of my life.

- Shh,

my sister might hear you.

- I'm going to jump off

this building to see

how my boobs flap in the wind.

[both gasp]

- Give me the remote.

- Oh, god.

- Oprah's having El DeBarge's

understudy, Prince, on today.

I want to record it

so I can pick up

some understudying tips.

- No, you can't tape over this.

- Why not?

- Either Caruso

was going to k*ll me,

or Tonya was going to tell our

parents, and they'd k*ll me.

Fine.

[cheers and applause]

- Thank you.

- You taped over the movie?

Caruso is going to k*ll us.

- No, he's not.

We're going to find him a

replacement for that tape.

I refuse to end up

a virgin corpse.

- You won't.

I promise that if

Caruso kills you,

I'll hire someone to

have sex with your body.

- I got furs.

Can't even tell

they're made of possum.

- Hey, do you have

anything risqué?

- Oh, my cousin, Risqué?

He works in Little France.

- I got brie fromage.

Can't even tell it's made

from the milk of the possum.

- No, something risqué.

Visual medium in the

adult consumer arena.

- b*tch, are you trying to

set me up with this cop?

- I'm not a cop.

- Mm-hmm, that's what

a cop would say.

- Th-- this is my friend,

Greg, and we're looking

for erotic depictions of

other reproductive functions.

- Are you a cop?

- Porn, man.

We're looking for porn.

- Oh, why didn't you

say so, youngblood?

I got "Black Girl

Sitting on the Toilet

Volume 2," "Black Girl Sitting

on the Toilet Volume 3."

- We're looking for

"Urethral Weapon."

- And we want a

military discount.

- "Urethral Weapon"?

Well, I don't watch Caucasian

adult cinema, but if I did,

I might head over

to Times Square,

and I might find

the video store on 46th,

and I might go behind

the curtain and check

out the shelf on the right.

But naked white

people are not for me.

[chuckles] You know the

ancestors be judging.

- If I don't get this

tape, I'll be an ancestor.

Thanks, Risky.

See, we'll get the movie and

my family won't find out I--

hide.

Hide.

Hide.

- Hey, Risky, I need a

birthday present for my father.

- Don't worry, I got you.

Pack of Virginia Slims.

Bottle of Brown Royale?

Pair of Air Gordons?

- No, no, no,

it's got to be better

than a brand-new entertainment

center and cost less than $8.

- But you've got more

than $8 in there.

- No, that's the gas money

to go to South Carolina

for my dad's birthday.

- Better than a brand-new

entertainment center,

but less than $8.

Ah, I think I've

got just the thing.

- Is it crack?

- It's crack, yeah.

- [grumbling]

- Yo, Risky,

let me put 20 on the Giants

missing an extra point

in the first quarter tonight.

- You can bet on that?

- Oh, you can bet on anything.

- I got a good feeling.

- My father had

more than a feeling.

He knew someone

with inside info.

Unfortunately,

it was his brother.

- To confirm,

that was a no on crack?

- Everybody, listen up.

We need to unionize.

[indistinct chatter]

You can't tell me

you enjoy working here.

- I do.

We get cake all the time.

- I know for a fact that cake

riles up your IBS, Martha.

- No, it doesn't.

- I mean, isn't it some B.S.

that you got to clock out

for your extra-long bathroom

breaks when they the ones

making you eat cake?

- It is B.S.

- What do you want, Paul,

besides better dental?

- What do you mean?

Our dental is fantastic.

What I want is to never

wear shoes at work again.

- Yes.

Good.

Come on, people.

Think outside the cubicle.

What do you really

want from this job?

- I want to make more

than $25 an hour.

- Yes, you do deserve

to make twice what I do.

We all deserve more than

this company gives us.

So are you ready to strike?

[together]

Yes!

- Eh, sure.

- Ooh,

I'll go buy a strike cake.

- No, Martha, your IBS.

- Damn my gut health.

- Julius,

what are you doing here?

- I can't let my

little bro come to town

and not hang with him.

- Well, you do it

every other time.

- Well, not this time.

Is this your room

or the damn lobby?

- I guess they give you free

upgrades when you're a doctor.

- And what do they

give chiropractors?

[chuckles]

No, I'm just playing.

Good for you, man.

Tell me about the Giants gig.

And be very specific.

- Having two jobs

is exhausting.

- [chuckles]

Tell me about it.

Now, really, tell me about it.

- I don't know how you do it.

Do you have any

tricks or anything?

- Take a nap

at every red light.

People will honk

when it's time to go.

Free alarm clock.

- I wish I could nap,

but there's no red lights

on Jim Burt's back.

- Oh, Jim Burt's injured, huh?

- Yeah, he threw out

his C7 at practice.

Oh, sorry, C7 is the

seventh vertebrae

in the cervical spine.

- Guess he's not

starting tonight, then.

- Well,

he will if I can fix him.

Honestly, I didn't

expect to work on a star.

But the first and

second-string chiros

got injured in a bar fight

with an acupuncturist,

so it's all on me.

You think I can do it, Julius?

- Louis, look at me.

You got this, OK?

You're going to fix him.

- My dad wanted to bet on

his brother fixing that back,

but he also knew for

damn sure that Louis

wasn't a real doctor.

Tape's due in four hours.

We got to get a cab.

How much you got?

- $5.63,

my inhaler, and a photo

of my mom with her

prison girlfriend.

- Let's see how many

blocks all that gets us.

Oh, man, We'll never get a cab.

- Got one.

- I'll take you,

but not your friend.

- Um

- Greg.

- I shouldn't leave him.

- Greg.

- Fine.

There's no way we're getting

that tape to Caruso on time.

We should call it.

Want to get some pizza?

- Greg was white, so he could

give up whenever he wanted,

but I couldn't.

No, we're in New York City.

Anything's possible here.

We just need a miracle.

And here it is.

[upbeat funky music]

Hold on tight, Greg.

There's no stopping us now.

♪

I mean now.

♪

I mean now.

♪

I mean now.

all: If you want us to work,

stop being such a jerk.

- Thank y'all so

much for helping.

Where'd you get

all these people?

- Oh, I didn't get them.

They just follow me everywhere.

- We do.

- It's an honor.

- Yep, time to

bullhorn at the man.

You cowards up there in your

ivory tower, you can't deny us.

What do we want?

- $50 an hour.

- No shoes.

- Drew!

- Paid bathroom breaks.

- When do we want it?

- Now!

- Always.

- Tonight.

- Whenever.

- And if my mama ever can't

make the picket, I'll be her

Understudy

and take her place ♪

- Huh?

- Excuse me?

- Understudy?

- All right, Rochelle,

that's enough.

Come upstairs.

We're willing to talk.

- Ha, we've got 'em

right where we want 'em.

[cheers and applause]

Wait, I just-- come on.

- The Giants' lineup

is looking strong tonight.

Thanks to the heroic efforts of

the third-string chiropractor,

Jim Burt will be starting

at defensive tackle.

- Damn it.

Crap, crap, crap.

[doorbell rings]

Hey, Risky.

Is there any way I can owe you?

I need that money to go

to my daddy's birthday.

- Then you shouldn't have bet

that Jim Burt wouldn't start.

- You bet Jim Burt

wouldn't start?

- Go, go, go, go, go.

Move, move, move, move.

Hey, what are you doing here?

- I had a success at work

and thought my brother would

want to celebrate with me.

I didn't expect him to

stab me in the back.

The back of a

chiropractor, no less.

- Oh, it's not what you think.

- You bet against me.

You bet that I

couldn't do my job.

- OK, it is what you think.

But I only did it

because I wanted

to get Elder Leroy

a birthday present

that could compete with yours.

- Good luck.

The entertainment

system is amazing.

- Yeah, I know.

It's just everything

comes so easy to you.

And I have to work

so hard for everything.

But it's no excuse.

I'm sorry I bet against you.

- I'm sorry, too,

that you're such

a loser you can't even afford

to go to Daddy's birthday.

I'll call you and tell you all

about it from my car phone.

Oh, and keep the wine.

Wine is like grape juice

but for rich people.

[funky music]

- Times Square

was different in the '80s.

Back then, the M&M

store was the S&M store,

and the Hard Rock Cafe was--

well, I can't say that here.

Look, there it is.

We only have one

hour to get the movie

and bring you back to Caruso.

[indistinct chatter]

- Look at this.

We'll never get

the tape in time.

Are you ready to call it now?

- No, I'm not going to be a

virgin corpse in an urban pond.

We are getting that tape.

I-- I've never felt so strongly

about anything in my life.

How do I express these

Emotions? ♪

Damn it, Tonya was right.

[synth-pop music]

- Not me ♪

Not my dead body ♪

Won't be my body ♪

No, it won't be me

that they find ♪

In a lake or in a wetland ♪

In a place where

fish do sexin' ♪

When an angel sees

my soul emerging ♪

But this body

won't be virgin ♪

Not me ♪

Not my dead body ♪

Let's turn it on ♪

Because I'm going to be

a pest guy or this guy ♪

At best I'll be selling

VCRs or moldy beef ♪

- Where's my meat ♪

- A paparazzi with a flash ♪

- Flash ♪

- A DJ with a 'stache ♪

- 'Stache ♪

- Or managing a strip club

where I also have a 'stache ♪

- Double 'stache ♪

- Not me ♪

- Woof ♪

- Not my dead body ♪

Gonna work at Red lobster ♪

Won't be my body ♪

He-he-he-he ♪

No, it won't be

me that they find ♪

Won't be drowning in a 40 ♪

Or floating towards

the lordy When it comes ♪

My time to draw the curtain ♪

Won't be near no

pond that's urban ♪

Not me ♪

Not my dead body ♪

There's the curtain.

[funky music]

Greg, look.

The tape's exactly where

Risky said it'd be.

- Hey, Chris?

- We did it.

We actually did it.

Screw that test.

I'm not going to die.

I'm going to have sex one day.

I'm in charge

of my own destiny.

- Chris, I think I was robbed.

- What?

Oh, god.

How did we get robbed

in Times Square?

[bell jingles]

[synth-pop music]

♪

- This is the worst

day of my life.

- At least you're

going to have a life.

The tape's due

back in 47 minutes.

And we have nothing.

Risky, you got to help us.

- No, it is moi, Risqué.

Everyone knows Risky

doesn't watch ze white porn.

[upbeat funky music]

- OK, Rochelle, let's talk.

- The only way we're

lowering our signs

is if you raise our salaries.

- Rochelle--

- Don't you Rochelle me.

You shut us out and shut

us up for long enough.

It's time for us--

- Rochelle, we've heard

you loud and clear,

and we're prepared to offer you

a generous severance package.

- You what now?

- Well, how'd it go?

- I went in there, and you

know what those pricks did?

They offered me

severance to walk away.

[all gasp]

Two months of pay and

health care for my family.

And what do you think I said?

all: No!

- That's right.

And then they offered

me three months.

And what do you think I said?

all: No!

- I said no.

And then they offered

me six months.

And do you know what I said?

all: No!

- Oh, I said yes, because

that's a really good deal.

I got three kids and

an overworked husband.

But y'all got to keep on

fighting the good fight.

- You go, girl.

Oh, excuse me.

Can I say that?

- We don't have

a leader anymore.

What do we do?

- They need the understudy.

- Damn right they do.

All right,

listen up, you lazy slobs.

Pretty people in the front.

Uggos in the back.

Let's go.

[upbeat funky music]

- Well,

see you on the other side.

- Hoo-ha.

- Cutting it a little

close, aren't you?

Give me the tape.

- Well, we actually,

uh, don't have it.

- You what?

- Uh--

- But we brought you

something better.

- We did?

- It fell out of Risqué's

stack in Times Square.

What?

I don't want my

only friend to die.

- What is this?

- [whispers]

A Black porno.

- These hips don't move

without half my pay up front.

- He can play with my

t*tties, but I'll be damned

if he play with my money.

[dramatic music]

- OK.

- Wait, really?

- This looks good.

I mean, I'll still

beat you guys,

but I won't hit your faces.

- Could you just beat him?

I don't want to miss boot camp.

- Sure.

- America thanks you, sir.

Sorry, Chris!

[feet tapping]

- Oh, oh, god.

Oh, you flattened my arch.

Damn it.

- [sighs]

- What's going on?

Oprah hasn't asked Prince one

question about El DeBarge.

Tsk, tsk.

- [sighs]

- OK, what's going on, Julius?

- Nothing's going on.

Can't a man huff

and puff when he's happy?

[sighing]

- Baby, what's wrong?

- If I'm Louis's big

brother, how come he's always

making me feel so damn small?

Always rubbing things in my

face, making me feel poor.

- Louis called us poor?

- He implied it,

but he's right.

I gambled our gas money.

- Julius!

- I know,

but I wanted to get Daddy

a better present than Louis.

And now we can't even afford

to drive to South Carolina.

- You sure about that?

- How did you--

- Severance ♪

I finally did it.

- Mwah!

- Julius, we're going

to South Carolina.

And we're going to buy the best

gift your dad has ever gotten

and rub it right in Louis's

smug, smooth, perfect face.

God, he has nice skin.

- I saw the creams he buys.

[knocks on door]

- Tasha?

- Hey, I heard you got a VCR.

I was wondering

if you could tape

"Saturday Night Live" for me.

- I didn't know

you liked "SNL."

- Are you kidding?

Eddie Murphy's so funny.

- Thank you!

You know, we could watch it

together sometime if you want.

- Sure.

So how was your day?

- I had never gotten a laugh

like this from a girl before,

and it felt amazing.

I started to think

maybe there were

other options for my

future that the career

test hadn't considered.

- Wait, where did Oprah go?

- I'm getting too

sexy for this [bleep].

- Eww!

- What is this?

- Who brought this

filth into our home?

- Chris!

[singers] Everybody

still hates Chris ♪

[vocalizing]