01x18 - Everybody Still Hates Snitching

[bunniefuu]

[hip-hop music]

♪

- Men have always confused

the hell out of women.

- Ow!

Why'd you do that?

- 'Cause I like you, duh.

- Ow!

- And Tasha was no exception.

- Ooh, I just can't understand

why Darius broke up with me.

- I know, it's terrible.

- It doesn't make any sense.

We were gonna go see Keith

Sweat in concert on Friday.

- In 1987,

there was only one man

that women always understood--

Keith Sweat.

- Baby, baby, baby ♪

- Ow!

- You know,

I'm going to that show.

I wasn't.

And I have an extra ticket.

I didn't.

Wanna come with?

- Really?

Of course I do.

Thank you, Chris.

- Risky.

- Two tickets will be 50

bucks each.

- But the official

poster said $25.

- It also said sold-out.

- I don't have the money, but

I could get it to you later.

Can you hold them for me?

- For you?

No problem.

$150 by Friday.

- [groans]

You should see how he rips

me off now that I have money.

[upbeat hip-hop music]

[dramatic music]

- Damn it, Buttless,

you're a pain in the a*s!

Oh, right.

Sorry.

- Uh, Daddy, do we have to keep

watching "d*ck Buttless, P.I."?

- You know changing

the channel adds

5 cent to the electric bill.

- [sighs]

- No!

- I didn't even

say anything yet.

- My joints get

achy when someone's

about to ask for money.

- I wasn't gonna ask for money.

- Yeah, he was, Daddy.

He wants to go to a

concert with Tasha.

- Dang, Tonya!

Is there anyone you

wouldn't snitch on?

- Jesus did it!

He claimed to be the messiah.

- Dang, Tonya.

- What happened?

Who snitched?

- Judas did it.

- Dang, Tonya!

- Chris, if you

want that money,

you got to use

your imagination.

I'm not just gonna

hand it to you.

- Um, Daddy, can I have

some money for a Koosh ball?

- Of course, baby.

- One of these days, snitching

is gonna get you in trouble.

- Daddy, Chris is dramatically

warning me of something.

- Chris, go to your room--

and make your

warnings more upbeat!

- [groans]

- Hey, baby.

- Yo, my elbow!

Something happened

to our money.

Where's your purse?

- Well, I was walking home,

I stopped at the store,

I got mugged, I picked

up some chicken.

Ooh, should I bake or grill

the chicken for dinner?

- What?

- Ah, you're right.

I should fry it.

- Rochelle, are you all right?

I can't believe this happened.

Muggers are usually

no match for you.

[funky music]

♪

- Give me your purse, lady.

- Leon, I'd recognize those

dusty cornrows anywhere.

Does your mother know

you're out here mugging

people looking all raggedy?

- So what happened this time?

- The mugger was white.

- [gasps]

- The first sign

of G*ntrification.

- Well, I'm glad

you're OK, baby.

- Mom, you should take

a class at my dojo

to learn self-defense.

- Yeah, I'd feel

better if you did.

Too bad our money

can't defend itself.

Poor, defenseless money.

- I'm fine.

From now on, if a white

mugger comes at me,

I won't try to

talk him out of it.

I'll just clock

him straight off.

OK, Julius?

- Poor paper-thin

money, out in the cold.

Can't stand up for itself.

It can't even stand up.

Ooh!

[bell rings]

- Have you seen

Sally's new weave?

- Ugh.

I don't think Sally's

seen Sally's new weave,

or she'd change it.

- [laughs]

- Koosh ba*ls aren't

allowed in school.

Whose is it?

I need answers, ladies.

- What you need

is a breath mint.

- Fine, you don't

have to tell me.

You can tell

Vice Principal Harris.

- What?

You can't make us do that.

- I'm head hall monitor.

I can do whatever I want.

- Ugh.

Can he chew some

gum once in a while?

- Just go.

- [humming]

- Loaf attack!

You got mugged again.

- Drew, what are you doing?

That hurt.

- Exactly.

This is why you need to

take a self-defense class.

[funky music]

- [gasps]

- Oh, thank you.

These streets can

be dangerous--

for you.

- Drew!

Give me my damn scarf back.

[slurps]

[cat snarling]

[dramatic music]

[gasps]

- What would you do

in this situation?

- Fine. I'll go to the dojo.

Damn.

[cat meows.]

[funky music]

- They don't know who

brought the Koosh.

If we don't say nothing,

we'll both be fine.

Don't say nothing.

- Tonya, get in here.

- Shh.

LaDonna did it.

- Well, thanks, Tonya.

I did not expect you

to throw your friend

under the bus like that.

- Hmph.

So can I go?

- Sit down, Tonya.

You're a natural-born snitch.

Have you ever considered

becoming a hall monitor?

- Ha!

You want me to be

one of those dweebs

with a badge who does whatever

they want with unlimited power?

I'm in.

- Welcome to the force.

Now you can snitch on anyone.

- Every morning,

Ms. Johnson smokes cigarettes

in the nurse's office.

- Just students.

Dang, Tonya.

- I can't believe that fool.

You don't take a side

chick to Sizzler's.

All-you-can-eat

is for wives only.

[laughter]

- Manny, can I get

today's pay now?

- Here.

- [moans]

- Uh, is there any way

I can get overtime?

This ain't gonna cut it.

- Overtime?

You think this is a union job?

I'm gonna give you undertime.

[pensive music]

- Oh!

When life gives you

hair, make lemonade.

- What?

- It'll make sense

in the next scene.

Dang.

[funky music]

[bell chimes]

- Ah, Nessa, Nessa,

Nessa, I got prime,

fresh-cut hair for sale,

perfect for your very

talented wig-making skills.

10 cents a whisker.

- Boy, I can't make a

Salt-N-Pepa asymmetrical

bob out of dirty neck hair.

No sale.

- [sighs]

- Girl, I'm so confused.

I've been seeing Pastor

Percy on the low,

but also I've been

telling everybody.

And he never takes me to fancy

restaurants like Olive Garden.

- Why men gotta

be so damn stingy?

- Ugh!

What I'd give for a date with

an all-you-can-eat salad bar.

- Well, all-you-can-eat

is for wives only.

- Heh, who told you that?

- Uh, I just know, OK?

It's a man thing,

and I'm a man.

[laughter]

I'm at the barbershop

all the time.

I hear things--

things men, like me, say.

- OK, little man, tell me why

a man would buy me a necklace

but then introduce

me as his friend.

- Cash first.

- n*gro, please.

- Not only am I a man,

I'm a businessman.

Cash first.

- [moans, kisses]

- And don't let a woman

hold your hand in public.

That's basically--

- pissing on him

like a fire hydrant.

Too possessive.

- Ooh!

- What?

- See, women pick

men romantically.

But men pick women

geographically.

The less we spend on gas--

- the more they

want that a*s.

- Mm-hmm.

- You just can't

have one woman.

It's cheaper to keep her--

- but it's sweeter

to cheat her.

[gasps]

[funky music]

- [moaning]

[reggae music]

[indistinct chatter]

♪

[indistinct chatter]

- Whoop, whoop!

[imitates siren wailing]

- Five-O!

♪

- Hey!

I thought Al Sharpton

put an end to this.

♪

- Oh ♪

[mystical sitar music]

- Good job, class.

Sensei Jason is proud.

Remember, those who

do not try, try bad.

- Mom, didn't you

hear Sensei Jason?

You have to take

this seriously.

- How?

That man has a

clip-on ponytail.

- Hmm.

- I'm sorry, Sensei Jason.

I tried to tell her the

94 tenets of karate.

- That's too many damn tenets!

- Yeah, you won't

be saying that

after you purchase my book,

"Hi-Ya Learning," for $4.99.

[grunts]

[groans]

- He's still an idiot.

- I was just $20 away

from getting Keith Sweaty

with the girl of my dreams.

- Chris,

in all that man chatter,

has Doc mentioned

if he's seeing someone?

- Wait, are you and Doc--

[mumbling]

- Boy,

this is why you a virgin.

But yes, Doc and I are

[mumbling]

But he only takes me

out during the day.

Chris, why won't he go

dancing with me at night?

- Uh, Doc hasn't said

anything about any of that.

- Well, what are you standing

here looking stupid for?

Go ask Doc what he's doing

instead of taking me dancing.

And who he's doing

and where she lives.

- Uh, I don't

feel comfortable--

OK, I'll do it.

[funky music]

- Ugh, that was the

longest hour of my life,

and I've seen "Roots" twice.

- OK, before we go, anyone

who would like to challenge me

may do so now.

If you pin me down, you

will earn the coveted title

of Little Sensei.

- What the hell's

a "Little Sensei?"

- It means you're the best

fighter in the whole dojo.

No one's ever gotten it.

Little Sensei is the biggest

honor there ever was.

- [laughs] I don't want

to be a little anything--

except maybe a little

tipsy on a little yacht

off Little Cayman Island.

- I challenge

you, Sensei Jason.

- Aw, he tries this every week.

- Make it quick, baby.

I want to get home to ice my

legs, my thighs, and my a*s.

- Mm-hmm.

A boy who steps up is taller

than the boy who sits down.

- Nyow!

Whoo-ooh!

Ahh! Ugh!

[groans]

- Better luck next time, Drew.

Wind knocked out

is wind knocked down.

- Mm-mm, nobody kicks

my baby in a corner.

- What are you doing?

- Your sensei is about

to get beaten senseless.

That's what I'm doing.

- She didn't know

karate, but she

had a black belt in Black mom.

- Ah!

Ah!

Uh!

Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah!

[whip cracks]

Ahh!

- Nobody gets to

beat my kids but me!

[together]

Ooh!

- Stop!

You win!

You're the Little Sensei.

Just give me back my ponytail.

[all cheering]

- Whoa.

[indistinct chatter]

- [gasps]

- Hey!

You know that's ill*gal.

[funky music]

[eerie music]

[indistinct whispering]

- [gasps]

Students in the back alley?

Not today, Satan.

- Kooshes, gum,

there's even a yo-yo.

- Yes!

- Give me ten Pixy Stix for it.

[sneaky music]

♪

- [sniffs]

- Something stinks, and this

time it ain't your breath.

- You better not tell

Vice Principal Harris.

I run this school.

- I'll tell you what, Shawn.

I won't say nothing

if you give me a taste.

[funky music]

♪

Ooh!

Pure and uncut.

I want a 50/50 split

of whatever you make.

- I'm head hall monitor.

I don't have to listen to you.

- Don't you, though?

- Dang, Tonya!

- [slurps]

Ooh!

[funky music]

- Hey, Doc.

- What's going on, Chris?

You hit your target yet

to get those tickets?

- Working on it.

Uh, but enough about me.

What's up with you?

What are you doing tonight?

What do you do every night,

and who are you doing it with?

- What the hell

you talking about?

- What's her name?

Is she pretty?

Please!

[groans]

- Risky gonna give

those tickets away ♪

And Tasha gonna give

body, her body away ♪

To someone else

at the concert, Chris ♪

[mystical sitar music]

- [blows]

[belt squeaks]

- Rochelle,

I deem you Little Sensei.

With great power comes great

responsibility, and also

a small service charge

that'll be on your next bill.

Congratulations.

[applause]

- I think she might

be hotter than Drew.

- Wow, Mom, I can't believe

you're Little Sensei.

I've challenged him

hundreds of times,

and I've never

been Little Sensei.

- Oh, I'm sure you

will be one day, baby.

- I'm just so proud of my mom

who didn't practice every day

and didn't punch her fists

in all those oak trees

to build strength and

just came in for one class

and became Little Sensei.

Ha!

Ah-ha!

It's great!

[pensive music]

- Hey, girl.

How's it going?

- Good.

But it's about to be great.

- Tonya, there have

been serious allegations

made against you.

Open your locker.

- OK.

[dramatic music]

♪

- Well, well, well, Tonya.

- What?

I-- [sputtering]

those aren't mine!

- They weren't.

For once, she was actually

telling the truth.

- That's for snitching on me.

- [stammering[

This is all a setup.

I was framed.

- Give me your badge, Tonya.

- Ha, you kicking me

off the force?

Ha!

I am the force.

I'm the one who cleaned

up these hallways.

Without me, all you mother--

- That's it!

Two months' detention.

[funky music]

♪

- Drew, why did I find your

Bruce Lee poster in the trash?

- That's where it belongs--

with my dreams

and karate skills.

How did you do it?

You have to tell me!

- You're that upset about

me being Little Sensei?

- No, I support Black women

in positions of power.

He went on to date Kandi from

"Real Housewives of Atlanta."

- You want to know my secret?

I fought for what I love.

And I can teach you

how to do that, too.

- Nice.

Can we get ice cream after?

- [groans]

No ice cream!

We got free old

milk in the freezer.

[groans]

- I didn't have any intel on

Doc, but I still needed $20.

So I did what any

desperate virgin would do--

I lied.

- You were right.

There might be another woman.

- I knew it!

- [gasps]

- Worth every penny.

- Yeah-ha-ha-ha-ahh ♪

- Yeah, screw men.

They're terrible.

OK, bye.

[touch-tones beeping]

- Doc, you old b*stard.

It's over.

The only dancing

we ever gonna do

is when I dance on your

grave, because you're dead.

But I didn't k*ll you--

you died of a broken heart.

Well, bye.

[funky music]

- Here!

I got the money.

- Whew!

Cutting it close, youngblood.

[chimes ringing]

[funky music]

- Chris,

I'm so glad you brought me.

I can't wait to have sex with

you for days and days and days.

I bet you're real good

at it, too, having sex.

- He's so good at having-- ♪

- Baby, please!

- Huh?

- Nessa, please.

I don't know what I did,

but I'm sorry for it.

Take me back.

- You can take this hair dryer

to the back of your head,

for all I care.

- What did I do?

- I heard all about the woman

you spend your nights with.

- You mean my aunt?

- You're too old

to have an aunt.

You basically already dead.

- Look it here, for real.

My aunt has an extra

pinky toe on each foot.

I have to tape her toes

together every night

to balance her.

- That's not what Chris said.

- Yeah, Chris told

us everything.

- We know how

many h*s you keep,

how you only take

wives to Sizzler,

how it's neater to cheat her.

Oh, it's been real informative.

- Uh, why is

everyone mad at me?

I was just the messenger.

- sh**t him.

- Chris, you a snitch!

- That was just

barbershop talk.

Part of being a man

is lying to other men

about how manly you are.

- So, Doc, did you cheat on me?

- Of course not, baby.

- Aw.

I'm sorry.

[both moaning]

- Well, all's well

that ends well.

[groaning]

Oh.

- I want my money back.

- I wish I could

help, but I already

bought tickets to the concert.

- Which you're not

going to-- we are.

Tonight, you're gonna

tape my aunt's toes.

And watch out, she's a biter.

[funky music]

♪

- [groans]

[gong resounds]

- Bow to master, bow to

sensei, bow to the money

plate that won't fill itself.

And lastly, is there anyone who

wants to take on Sensei Jason

and become the

new Little Sensei?

- I do.

- If he was ugly,

this would be sad.

[dramatic music]

- Drew, remember.

- Fight for what I love.

I got it.

- That's my baby.

- Before we spar,

let me put on my new CD,

"Dojo Do-Jams," which you can

go home with today for $2.99,

cash only.

♪

- Fight for what you love--

my mom,

French toast sticks,

"d*ck Buttless, P.I.,"

and of course,

that dog I met once.

[grunts]

- [grunting]

Ahh!

- Whoa!

- Ow.

Congrats, Drew.

You are now Little Sensei.

- I did it.

I'm Little Sensei.

- Oh!

And it's all because you

fought for the one thing

you love most.

Me!

- Yeah.

Wow, I can't wait for us to

get our green belts together.

- Oh, hell no.

I ain't coming back.

All the fighting is

sweating my hair out.

Let's go get you some

rocky road, Little Sensei.

- Uh, can someone

call my doctor,

who is actually a veterinarian?

- Tasha wasn't gonna be

screaming for Keith Sweat,

but she was gonna

be screaming at me.

- What are you

doing home so late?

- I got detention.

It turns out,

you were right, OK?

Snitching got me in trouble.

[gasps]

Look what you've done

to me, you sick b*stard!

Are you happy now?

- To be honest, no.

I should have taken

my own advice.

Snitching got me

in trouble, too.

- Yeah.

It sucks.

And now I know how it

feels to get snitched on.

All those times

I did it to you.

Tasha!

Chris lied about the tickets.

Long story short,

you ain't going.

- Tonya!

You just said you knew how bad

it felt to get snitched on.

- Yeah, so now I'm gonna

do it to you twice as much.

Whew!

That felt so good.

- [sighs]

- I can explain.

You know, it's actually kind of

funny when you think about it.

You gonna laugh.

- You wouldn't know funny if

it slapped you in the face.

Because of your lies,

I wasted my mom's weed

money on a whole new outfit.

- Damn, Tasha.

You look good.

Good enough to un-dump.

Want to come to

Keith Sweat with me?

- Of course, Darius.

[funky music]

- Yoo-hoo, young man!

It's time.

[singers] Everybody still

hates Chris ♪

- [gulps]

[vocalizing]