Nightmare in Argus (2024)

[bunniefuu]

(suspenseful music)

(phone pings)

(suspenseful music)

Hey, guys.

So I need to increase my membership

'cause if I don't,

I won't be able to make these

sweet videos for you guys.

(calm music)

Start tipping though

and maybe I'll do more.

Maybe I'll do anything you can imagine.

But first, I need to start

by sniffing my armpits.

Ooh, that is strong.

On second thought,

maybe you guys can watch

me taking a shower instead.

(calm music)

(phone pings)

I'm gonna be washing my dirty,

stinky t*tties for you guys.

Does that turn you on?

Turns me on.

(calm tense music)

And I'm gonna be washing

this tight plump a*s for you too.

(calm tense music)

I bet that turns you on too.

Hope you're all stroking it. (Chuckles)

(calm tense music)

Gonna watch me cleanse

myself and get clean,

free from being such a dirty,

naughty girl. (Chuckles)

I can't wait.

I'm such a dirty girl.

I need a shower.

I need to clean it all away.

Wait, I can't turn it on just yet.

It's gonna mess with the sound.

(tense suspenseful music)

(cam model gasps)

(cam model gurgling)

(upbeat tense music)

[Announcer] I wanna hear you all howling

because tonight La Lab Fest

is bringing you Millie Barker.

(audience applauding)

Thank you guys so much for coming out.

(upbeat music)

You guys too, you guys too.

(audience laugh)

We know how it feels to be on the side.

(audience laughing)

(audience cheering)

I am totally okay if you want to film,

if you wanna take photos,

just hashtag cougar.

(audience laugh)

I really just enjoy drinking,

which sounds better than I'm an alcoholic.

(audience laugh)

I don't drink like I used to.

Actually I sometimes drink like I used to

to remind myself I don't.

(audience laugh)

A lot of people think

I should have chilled out

at my drinking years ago.

I would've made different

choices. But you know what?

You can't regret what you don't remember.

(audience laugh)

I am looking for some real

dates now. I just wanna be real.

I wanna be like, hey, this

is me. Accept me as I am.

Or pay for me to look different.

(audience laugh)

I'll pay you back.

(audience laugh)

I am never gonna ask you,

where do you see yourself in five years?

Why would I ask you that? I

know I'm not gonna be there.

(audience laugh)

(suspenseful music)

(footsteps thumping)

(suspenseful music)

(gate thuds)

(suspenseful music)

(dog panting)

(Millie sighs)

Down boy, I gotta make

money off human perverts.

Relax, Bob. She's a professional.

Hey Patrick. I'm way behind on content.

Can you sh**t a scene for me

and I'll get you a nice bottle of vodka.

Make it two cheap ones?

Deal.

I'm gonna need Elixir.

[Patrick] What do you want her for?

It's a girl, girl spanking scene,

but he won't send me enough money

for me to get another model

down here so she's got the gig.

All right, let's hurry up and do this

before I just decide to stay in Argus

and start dealing and doing meth.

You'd be pretty good at it actually.

You are so high on your own supply.

What happened to her face?

(Patrick chuckles)

Cruel summer.

Let me guess her name's gonna be Regina.

And action.

(upbeat music)

Regina, you've been a bad girl.

And I'm going to expose you as a thief.

Patrick, get the a*s shot.

(slaps thudding)

Five years ago I won your

reality contest fare and square,

but you had me kicked off and I lost out.

I had to move to the desert.

sh**t sleazy fetish videos.

Just to show 'cause I'm going to give you

this panties down spanking.

I have dreams.

My dreams are your nightmares.

My dreams are your nightmares.

(upbeat music)

Cut.

You should make him pay

extra for the choking.

I got a little carried away.

Oh gosh. It was so close, Patrick.

My comedy special, everyone

was talking about it in LA.

I just needed to find a

way to stay in the city.

Thanks to Regina

Worthington. Here I am, FML.

I gotta go.

(zip rasps)

(Millie sighs)

I'm sure there are worse

places to be banished to

than Argus, California,

but I can't think of any right now.

(upbeat music)

(shoes clacking)

Hello, my love. How was the audition?

Oh, didn't go well?

Oh, it didn't go well.

What's wrong?

I swear you love those

birds more than me.

Well, I've known them

longer than I've known you,

but I love you just the same.

Oh!

More. More. I love you more.

I'm sure I didn't get the part.

Oh. Well, I could get

you more acting lessons.

You think my acting sucks?

No, I didn't say that.

I'm just saying that...

I mean, more acting lessons

could never hurt. Right?

I just feel like I did

really well on the audition,

but it just felt like they

weren't even interested.

Like they weren't even giving me a chance.

Well, maybe it's one of those things

where they're taught not

to give any expressions

so that you don't know how you did.

Whatever.

Let's go for a swim.

Oh, well what about the wet k*ller?

The Wet Slasher? What about him?

Well, he's out there

k*lling young ladies

in their showers and pools.

So now we're not

supposed to use our pool.

Oh, fine. I'll just up security.

Oh, but speaking of, we have a little trip

to visit Sylvia first.

No, not the crazy witch lady.

(shoes clacking)

Welcome to my own personal (indistinct)

Thank you, Sylvia, for

seeing us on such short notice.

I really appreciate it.

Did you both take a bath?

Well, Andrea did. The

protection spell is for her.

I don't want the wet k*ller

getting anywhere near her.

Slasher. It's The Wet Slasher.

I mean, the wet k*ller

would be such a lame name.

Right.

Please continue.

This is a safe space.

This is a safe space?

I mean (elbow thuds)

Ow!

Yes, this is a safe space.

Free from violence. Please

allow Andrea to speak her mind.

She's a free spirit.

Yeah.

Well, Andrea has nothing to say

about your beautiful home, right?

So if you will? Continue.

Is this true, Andrea?

Yeah, sure. I mean, whatever.

Go on with your little

witch thing. (Chuckles)

Andrea doesn't like

anybody touching her,

aside from myself.

So please, let's move along here.

Mm.

(suspenseful music)

Air, earth,

fire and wind.

Come to us now in the form of spirit.

Great spirit, protect Andrea Worthington

from the evil k*ller,

known as The Wet Slasher.

Protect her from evil.

Especially from The Wet Slasher.

We are so grateful for

your eternal protection.

Fantastic. Is it done?

It is. It is done.

I thank you so much for

everything you've done.

Donations are appreciated.

My Familiar needs to eat.

(Sylvia smacks tongue)

Right. Absolutely.

(dramatic music)

Hi, welcome to Make It With Millie,

my weekly cam show.

I am Millie. (Chuckles)

Sorry. (Chuckles)

I do use my real name on my cam show

because I like to give

credit where credit is due.

'Cause not everyone will

always do you right in the biz.

That's in any kind of biz, you know.

Show Biz, h* Biz, real estate. (Chuckles)

Did I ever tell you I

almost had a house in LA?

Yeah, I might have mentioned that before.

Ooh. Ooh. Pisces 69.

He's taking his d*ck out.

Oh my. And it's a nice one as well.

But aren't they all. (Laughs)

Bad boys.

Good thing for you, I am

taking all comers. (Laughs)

Oh, Razor. Especially Razor.

Hi Razor.

Razor is my MVP 'cause

he's also my tech support.

And this desert internet sucks.

(Millie gurgling)

Did I mention it also blows?

(Millie moans)

(Millie laughs)

Thank you, Razor. You've

really got my back.

Unlike certain reality TV

producers in the Los Angeles area,

who will stab you and it...

Anyway, yeah, I've bared

enough of my soul today.

Who wants some boobs?

Oh, you do? Oh, okay. (Mumbles)

Wooh! (Laughs)

Beep, beep, beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep beep.

I love you, Razor.

Millie, you're the best.

(upbeat music)

The Wet Slasher has struck again.

A young cam model was

recording a live stream

when she became what we

believe to be the fifth victim

of the serial k*ller

known as The Wet Slasher.

We are about to show graphic

footage with nudity blurred,

so please tune out

if you don't want to

see violence or nudity.

Police have yet to make

a comment to our station

and have not laid out any

plans on their next move.

Please be warned that The Wet Slasher

always strikes around water.

Are you the new pool guy

or the new security guy?

'Cause this pool has been

a disgusting mess lately

and that's why the last guy got fired.

What are you gonna do to clean it

if you're the f*ck' pool guy?

Hey, I expect you to answer me

when I f*ck' talk to you as*h*le.

(Andrea screams)

(suspenseful music)

I have been an up and coming comedian

for the past 20 years.

(audience laugh)

I've been called one to

watch by the suicide hotline.

(audience laugh)

Hey. Hey, thank you.

If I were still doing comedy,

I would get you all these

gigs in the best rooms.

It's all right. I owe

you so much already.

Hey, you're not gonna hurt her, are you?

No, no. It's nothing like that.

Would you mind just carrying her

over to the area I've set up?

Got it.

(kidnapper grunts)

(car door thuds)

Lead the way.

(dramatic music)

Who the f*ck are you?

I'd prefer it if you don't curse at me.

Do you know who my f*ck'

wife is? Let me go right now.

Every time you curse at me,

I am going to wash your mouth

out with this (indistinct)

Soap every time you curse at me.

Do you understand?

You'll get your mouth washed

out with a bar of soap.

Now, I wanna take it out.

Are you going to behave?

(Andrea blabbing)

(Andrea spits)

I'm gonna put this away.

You might need it later to stay clean.

Why do you care if I swear or not?

I have very proper British parents.

Ugh, you're British?

Hey, don't worry about me right now.

You need to worry about yourself.

Why are you doing this to me?

I understand you have

a lot of questions.

For now all you need to know

is that I am your captor

and as long as your wife

pays me what she owes me,

I shall have you home safe

and sound in no time at all.

You might notice that I

don't have you gagged.

You can scream as loud as you want here,

nobody will hear you.

You're in the middle of nowhere.

I'm not gonna wait by your side

while we wait for the ransom.

You'll be here by yourself.

I'll come back and check on you.

You won't run into anyone else here.

And if you did, they wouldn't

help you anyway. Not here.

So you just sit and wait while

I work this out with Regina.

Bring you food, bring you water,

and you can piss and

crap anytime you need to.

I suggest you stay put and wait for me.

Just stay right here in

the middle of nowhere

like I've had to do for

the last five years.

(somber music)

Help!

Can anyone hear me?

Help.

(upbeat music)

I got a new 4K camera.

I'm thinking of switching to 4K.

That's great.

Just put it with the other cameras

and I'll take a look at it later.

Excuse me. Regina. Regina.

(Regina scoffs)

Why does your assistant always

have a stain on her shirt?

I don't know.

It's a bad image, babe.

What did I tell you

about calling me babe?

I'm sorry.

But you know how much love

I put into those shirts.

I know.

Okay, hold on. (Sighs)

Morgan, here, put this on

and don't do whatever it

is that you did there.

You got it, Regina.

We really need to go

over this camera situation.

I can't right now

because I'm actually

expecting somebody. So yeah.

Oh, who? That hot wife of yours, Andrea.

You know we really need

to get her on the show.

First of all, if Andrea

makes it as an actress,

she makes it on her own merit.

Second of all,

how are you gonna talk

about my wife like that?

What? I can't call a girl hot anymore?

Hmm, no, I don't actually think you can.

Fine, fine, whatever.

We start sh**ting next week

and we need to go over some things.

Regina. This is terrible.

Are you certain you don't

wanna get the police involved?

The police? What the

hell is going on here?

Nothing. It's no big deal.

It's just a little issue that I'm having.

No big deal? You got your goon on it.

Now I'm worried.

Don't you worry. It's

just a personal matter.

In fact, Morgan, why don't

you take a long lunch?

Like an hour or so at least. Yeah.

Okay

And the shirt, Morgan, please

put the shirt on already.

[Morgan] Excuse me.

Listen, if something's

wrong here, I need to know.

Look, Benny, I have an idea.

We will have a meeting later about it.

I got a few things to talk to Fred about.

Fred, you could just

wait for me over there.

We could talk about the 4K cameras.

Anything that you're interested

in pertaining to the show.

I'm here for you. You know that.

Okay, I trust you Regina. Really.

You're the best.

Thank you, Benny. It's why

we work so well together.

(door thuds)

(shoes clacking)

I'm sorry.

I assumed you had informed

your producer and assistant.

I'm not telling anyone

yet. Just you, Fred.

So what did you find?

Well, the phone that took

this photograph is a burner.

So no leads yet.

Based on the background of the photograph,

this was taken in the desert.

The surveillance camera in

your backyard was disabled.

So that's obviously where

Andrea was abducted.

What does your gut tell you?

My gut tells me that it's a woman.

Really? What makes you say that?

I don't know. It's just a hunch.

The first season of this show,

we offered the winner

$1,000,001 towards a house

and we've added another

million since then every year.

Right now we're at 5,000,001.

This person is only asking for 1,000,001.

So you think the kidnapper

is one of the losers

from the first season of the show?

Yeah, very possibly.

I'll compile a file for

each of the contestants

from that season.

That will be the start

of our suspect list.

Are you going to pay the ransom?

I don't know. This really

irritates me and I want justice.

The exchange could be our

best bet to catch her or him.

You know what? I'm gonna

have a meeting with Sylvia

and see what she feels about it.

I'm not really sensing anything.

I think Andrea has been kidnapped.

It's not The Wet Slasher.

The protection spell is

still working on Andrea.

I'm not here to get my donation back.

I'm just here to see if you

can help me find the kidnapper.

I mean, you must sense something, right?

I'm sensing it's a woman.

Yes. That's what I think too.

And I'm sensing that it's in a remote

and uncivilized place.

Yes, they're in the desert.

Now, do you think that I

should just pay this ransom

and try to get it over with quickly?

Is there a threat of

violence towards Andrea?

No. There's been no

threat of violence yet,

which is what makes me

think that this is a woman.

Hmm. Well, let me do a

location spell tonight.

No hullabaloo.

Thank you.

(Sylvia harmonizing)

Eagles of the west

(Sylvia harmonizing)

That was my special dance and chants.

And there will be more of that tonight.

You should come back here tomorrow.

Okay, thanks.

No thanks necessary.

How about a donation?

Always appreciated.

For your Familiar.

Thank you.

Your phony loser of a wife

hasn't paid the ransom yet.

Well, did she say why?

No.

My guess is she doesn't really love you.

You're just a possession to her.

Well, I'm sure she'll pay.

You don't have to hurt me.

You hold still or you

really will be hurt.

I'm not going on any more of those dates,

those happy hour dates.

(audience laughing)

Where the guy lives right by the bar.

(audience laughing)

Like one time, I swear to God

we opened the door to get out of the bar.

It was the same door to

get into his apartment.

(audience laughing)

I'm like, "Wow, you lion

witch and wardrobed me."

(Andrea panting)

You look scared.

(Andrea panting)

If she doesn't pay out by tomorrow,

you really will be scared.

She's giving me until tomorrow to pay.

Are you going to do it?

I don't know.

It's not like I don't

have a million dollars.

But it's also not like a million

dollars won't hurt a lot.

Well, if our theory is correct

and it is a contestant from

season one and a woman,

that narrows the suspect

list down from 30 to 15.

I've eliminated the winner

because they won a house

plus nine women who are well

off and already own nice homes.

That leaves us with five

ladies who live in apartments.

And of those, two recently moved,

one to Bakersfield and

one to God knows where.

As near as I can tell,

somewhere in the desert.

So how do we know if it's one of them?

Look, Regina, we could

be way off on this.

I don't want you to get your hopes up

and I don't want you to

gamble with your wife's life.

Not many people know this about me,

but I grew up really poor.

I always thought you

came from a rich family.

I know. And that's

what I let people think.

But I had a deadbeat mother

and sometimes I had no idea

where my next meal was coming from.

So I worked really hard

to get to where I am.

And having somebody f*ck with my money

is really pissing me off.

So you aren't going to pay the ransom.

I'm just saying maybe

we could string her along,

offer her $10,000 tomorrow.

Maybe that'll buy time

so you can track her.

If that is what you really want.

She didn't even hurt Andrea.

She just cut up her clothes.

It's almost silly.

I could send Clay with

a bag full of $10,000,

drop a tracker in it, that

could lead us right to Andrea.

But then what? Have

the kidnapper arrested?

No, I don't want any

of this getting out.

That will definitely happen

if the kidnapper is arrested.

Right, I know.

So what are you suggesting?

What are our options?

You want a more final solution?

I mean she did kidnap my wife.

She should suffer the worst

punishment imaginable.

Got it.

I'll arrange the drop off.

And when you hear from her tomorrow,

we'll finalize the details.

(calm music)

(Lexi chuckles)

Come on guys. Tip me some more.

I really, really, really,

really, really want those tips.

(computer pinging)

Would you ever do a live

stream from a jacuzzi?

Jacuzzi? I don't own a jacuzzi.

How about a swimming pool?

(Lexi chuckles)

A swimming pool?

You guys don't tip me enough

for a swimming pool. (Moaning)

Would you do a bubble bath?

(computer pings)

Bubble bath? Would you guys tip me big?

Very big. So very, very, very big.

Say what?

Well, for my next streaming,

I'll post the details about it

and then we'll get that done. (Chuckles)

(suspenseful music)

(animals howling)

Don't worry about menopause, okay?

It's really not that bad as

long as you're already crazy.

(suspenseful music)

So, it looks like the

exchange is going to happen.

f*ck yeah.

I was starting to think

Regina didn't give a

f*cking sh*t about me.

Language. Come on.

(Andrea grunting)

(calm music)

(footsteps thumping)

(Millie speaking indistinctly)

Who cares? I'm part

of your life forever.

Oh, we'll see about that.

I still don't trust her.

What do you mean?

Just get in the trunk?

Really? The f*ck' trunk.

(slap thuds)

Fine. (Exhales)

But do I really need to get in the trunk?

Okay. Okay, fine. (Grunts)

Here's your breakfast.

[Andrea] Real classy.

Same one I had.

(car door thuds)

(footsteps thumping)

(door latch clicks)

(car door thuds)

Hey guys, our newest episode

of "Anything For A House"

drops this Thursday.

I can't wait for you guys to find out

who wins the mansion.

Tune in.

Okay, Fred, I gotta keep working,

but I'm listening to you 100%.

Okay, I'm going to call Clay.

He has an untraceable burner.

I sent him the GPS

coordinates for the drop off.

He just needs to take the job.

Okay.

I swear I don't know where it is.

I don't know where it is. I swear.

(slap thuds)

All right, it's in the glove box.

(phone rings)

What's up, Fred?

Clay, I have a job for you.

It evolves a final solution.

It pays a lot of money.

Double the usual.

All right, I'm in.

No, no, no, no!

(g*n fires).

He knows the full plan, right?

He knows what a final solution is.

And he also has the tracker

and knows what he is supposed

to do to the kidnapper?

Don't you worry about the details.

You know I'd do anything

for you and Andrea, right?

Right. I do.

And that is why I am fully

counting on you to execute this.

(blind rasps)

Oh hell, Regina,

I gave you all day

yesterday with your goon.

The name is Fred.

Whatever. We need to go over the script.

I thought this was a reality show.

Why would you need a script?

He really has no idea

what you do, does he, babe?

Babe?

I'm sorry. I slipped again.

I know that I said I would get done

with all my personal stuff yesterday,

but I need one more day with Fred, okay?

Why do I get this sinking feeling

that somebody's gonna

end up dead and buried?

(suspenseful music)

(latch clicks)

(car door thuds)

(calm suspenseful music)

(car door thuds)

(car engine revving)

(upbeat music)

(car door thuds)

(upbeat music)

This is way less than

she was supposed to pay.

(upbeat music)

(car door thuds)

(upbeat music)

(car engine cranking)

(car engine revving)

(upbeat music)

(car engine revving)

(upbeat music)

(car door thuds)

(upbeat music)

(phone rings)

Hello?

Hey, what is this? 5,000?

It's 10,000.

Why don't you take it and

leave Andrea where she is

and you'll never be bothered by me again.

So you're trying to

negotiate down from 1 million

to 10,000?

You must really love your wife.

I do love my wife,

but 10,000 is all I could

get together cash in one day.

Well, why didn't you tell me that,

like before we arranged the drop off.

Well, I happen to be new to kidnapping.

Well, Andrea is gonna be

punished for your mistake.

Please don't hurt her.

You get that million

together for me tomorrow.

Or let me tell you something,

next time you see your wife,

she's gonna be dead.

I will get you the cash.

Ugh.

After this whole kidnapping thing is over,

I swear I'm gonna need a real spa day.

(upbeat music)

Oh my God, Jackie,

you are going to k*ll

it on on Lonely Fans.

Just use my referral link.

What's that supposed to mean?

I'll tell you more about it

when you're ready to sign up.

I'm not doing any nudity.

Okay, then maybe you won't k*ll it.

But if you wear bikinis and

lots of cute clothes, maybe.

[Jackie] I wanna do comedy.

Wait, comedy?

Yeah, like tell jokes and stuff.

I think I'll k*ll it

and make a lot of money.

Can you tell the jokes wearing a bikini?

I suppose.

I mean if it has to do with the punchline.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

How about something like this.

Why did the chicken cross the road,

to get to the other side?

Oh my God.

That is nudity and it has

nothing to do with the joke.

(Lexi sighs)

Okay, don't worry

about my referral link.

(suspenseful music)

(car engine revving)

(car door thuds)

(suspenseful music)

(phone ringing)

What's the update, Clay?

She made the pickup.

She dropped the tracker

in a town called Argus.

There's not much around

here. She must live nearby.

Did you get a look at her?

Not close up.

I'm sending you a photo

of our prime suspect,

Millie Barker.

You need to secure Andrea.

You know what the

assignment is for Millie.

Do not let Andrea see what

happens to her, understood?

Copy that.

(suspenseful music)

(car door thuds)

(car engine cranking)

(engine revving)

(suspenseful music)

He said he didn't wanna date a comedian

because he couldn't tell

when I was joking or not.

(audience laugh)

I'm like, "Neither can I."

(audience laugh)

(footsteps thumping)

(Andrea sighs)

You're not wearing your

mask. Should I be worried?

Do you recognize me?

No. Should I?

(bag thuds)

The one day we met is the

only reason why you're here.

I don't know who you are.

I was a contestant on

Regina's reality show.

You mean you didn't win a house

and now you're holding me hostage?

Ow!

You shouldn't use that tone with me.

Especially not right now.

Easy. I'm not the one

who screwed you over.

I was a contestant on the

first season of her show

and we met in the green room.

I thought you were another contestant,

so I started talking to

you and I'm a comedian,

so of course I made you laugh.

I may not seem that funny right now,

but that's 'cause I've been

in Argus for five years

and I haven't done any comedy

in this godforsaken town.

Anyway, Regina thought

I was flirting with you

and she had me kicked off

and I was on my way to winning a house.

Sorry, Regina's pretty jealous.

Does she have any other traits

that you don't like about her?

What difference does that make?

When we met, you said you

were an aspiring actress.

Yeah. So?

Well, have you landed any roles?

What does that have to do with anything?

Regina has real power in the

industry and she's got money.

You have to know that

she could help you out.

Yeah, but she's always said

I have to make it on my own talent.

She got me kicked off the

show for talking to you.

You think she's gonna let you be in movies

where you've got all

sorts of industry pervs?

So you think she's gaslighting me?

Do you have any talent at all?

Yes.

sh*t, wait, that does make sense

that she would be f*cking me over.

Regina gave me $10,000.

I think that's her way of

saying that's what you're worth.

She must know who I am by now

and that's why I don't even

care about wearing the mask.

We both may be screwed at this point,

but I'm sticking to my plan.

What is your plan?

I need to get a video of you

that shows you in great pain.

What are you talking about?

And it also has to

leave some marks or welts.

So you get to choose where I do that.

Is it gonna be the face, the neck, chest,

stomach, a*s, legs?

Let me know where 'cause

I gotta do some slapping.

f*ck, stop. You're not slapping me.

I think I'm gonna go

for the (indistinct) face.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I guess the a*s?

Okay.

Wait, don't record yet.

(Andrea panting)

Okay. Now.

(Andrea panting)

(slaps thudding)

(Andrea screaming)

Ow, ow, ow, uh.

That's definitely Millie barker.

I mean, she doesn't even try to hide it.

What do you want to do?

You know what to do.

I'm sorry that you had to see that.

I need you to end this.

I mean, I need you to end

this situation with my wife

because I know you're the

only one that can do it.

Understood.

Because I'm not paying

this psycho another dime.

I got it.

But I want you to understand

that I'm here for you

whenever you need me to comfort you or

Right and I understand that, Fred,

and I really do appreciate it.

On the other hand, my

wife is quite the flirt,

but she definitely doesn't

deserve to be beaten.

So Freddy, I need you to

do what you're best at

and get it done, okay?

Thank you.

(shoes clacking)

I'll get it done.

Hi everyone, it's Jackie.

And I'm a standup.

So I'm gonna be doing

some jokes (indistinct)

So I'm really into true crime.

I don't know if I have

anyone watching right now

that's into true crime.

But you know, Ted Bundy, for example,

his primary victim type was

really pretty college girl.

So even serial K*llers are shallow.

But he was able to lure

these girls into his car

in broad daylight and he drove a BW bug.

Had Bundy driven a Maserati,

he would've (imitates speed)

Wiped out universities.

He actually got some of them

when he was on the beach,

which I am on the beach

(Jackie screaming)

(upbeat music)

(Jackie coughs)

(knife clattering)

(suspenseful music)

(waves crashing)

Hey, Tim.

Hey.

I think you need a shower.

- A shower?

- Yeah.

f*cking (indistinct)

(water g*n spraying)

(farts exploding)

[Tim] Coming for you,

Rusty, coming for you.

(calm music)

(footsteps thumping)

What the hell? as*h*le.

(indistinct) m*therf*cker.

Do you know Millie Barker?

I know you should open your

mouth and take another shot.

Stop, f*ck.

(farts exploding)

(Motorbike engine revving)

[Clay] I hate Argus.

(calm music)

(Millie chuckles)

Hey, Razor.

It's a crazy busy day,

but I'm trying to work in some nude yoga,

except my camera's like

all fuzzy and everything.

Any ideas?

Well, it should be a pretty easy fix.

Why don't you just try

unplugging your camera

from your computer and

then plugging it back in.

Okay, like that?

Oh yeah, that looks great.

Oh, awesome.

Thank you, Razor. What do I owe you?

Oh, hey, just looking

at you is payment enough.

You're the best.

You really care about your fans.

(Millie laughs)

I try.

Razor, are you worried

about that Wet Slasher?

You know, you're in LA and all.

I feel pretty safe.

Yeah, he's only going

after chicks, right?

Like cam models.

Only the mean ones.

Did they say that on the

news? I'm so out of it here.

Can I tell you

something just between us?

Sure.

I actually happen to know

who The Wet Slasher is.

You do?

Are you gonna report him

to the police or something?

He's really, he's not such a bad guy.

He's just misunderstood.

Misunderstood?

(device beeping)

Oh, hey, I gotta go do nude yoga.

We'll catch up later, Razor. (Chuckle)

Bye.

Namaste.

(calm music)

I did quit drinking

for 45 days last year.

Yeah, you learn a lot about yourself

when you don't drink

for a month and a half.

And I learned I don't have to be drunk

to f*ck a guy in a van.

(audience laugh)

So I'm back drinking.

(audience laugh)

Who's got a van?

(audience laugh)

(calm music)

(gate thuds)

Patrick? The guy wants another video.

He's gonna pay more.

(calm suspenseful music)

(Millie knocks on door)

Patrick.

(calm music)

Millie Barker?

Oh, Jesus.

You scared the poop outta me. Who are you?

Where's Andrea?

Oh. Oh no.

You better tell me where she is

before I hurt you real bad.

She's in the desert.

You'll never find her.

Take me.

(object thuds)

(Millie screams)

(calm music)

(footsteps thumping)

They found me.

Wake him up. Let's find out who he is.

(Millie sobbing)

He's out cold.

Check his pulse.

Nobody has a pulse on their elbow.

I'm a comedian. I'm not a doctor.

He ain't laughing.

Check his neck.

Nothing.

Damn. He's dead.

Dang. What are we gonna do?

We can bury him in the Argus Cemetery.

Nobody will fight him there.

(calm suspenseful music)

(Andrea laughing)

(calm suspenseful music)

I'm gonna bury you in a shallow grave

and I'm gonna use your

b*ner for a headstone.

What are you gonna call this?

Six inches under?

Whales from the crypt.

The Sementary.

You gonna come back later

and get some night shots?

Yeah. Tonight or tomorrow?

I think the sooner the better.

You're awfully paranoid

for someone not on meth.

You know, if we left his body at my place

for a week or two, I

might start smelling him.

Get it.

'Cause my place kinda stinks

and it'd take a week or two

for me to start smelling him?

I get it.

You can use that one in your routine.

I'm not telling jokes about

rotten corpses in a trailer.

Why not? It'd get a laugh in Argus.

Yeah. Well, I don't do comedy in Argus,

in case you haven't noticed.

Oh.

Wait, let me see something.

Right.

[Andrea] Ow, ow, ow.

(slaps thudding)

You should tell this

to that custom video guy,

you'd probably make a fortune on it

and you can give me some

weed for thinking of it.

I can't do that.

Why, did you get a

conscience all of a sudden?

No, but Lonely Man's requires

a front and back of an ID

and then they want a picture

of you holding the id.

What, she ain't got an ID in her bikini?

Just drop it, okay?

Maybe I should check anyway.

Hey, look, I'm really thankful

for you doing all this for me

and I'll send you a fat Venmo.

You can buy a whole bunch of pet food.

And some Pat food.

That's weed, speed, vodka and heroin.

I never heard you call

yourself Pat before.

That's just for those who

buy me drugs or alcohol.

Let's get out of here.

I'll buy us a bottle of mid-level vodka.

We can wash away our broken dreams.

(shovel thudding)

(calm music)

Oh, Oh, thank God. Oh my God.

Thank God I am so thirsty.

Can I use your phone

and I'd love a glass of water.

Who are you and what are you doing

walking around in a swimsuit.

I don't need my car

washed. I wash my own car.

I've been abducted and

I need to call the police.

Can I please use your phone?

And can I please have a glass of water?

Oh, you're too good

to drink from a hose,

you need a glass?

I never said that.

Come on, can you please help me?

I'm not stupid. I can

tell you're on drugs.

This isn't Burning Man.

Wrong desert.

Stop being a b*tch.

(water sloshing)

f*ck, Jesus. f*ck.

(Mary laughing)

Hey, did you know your asses red

Did you know you can f*ck off. f*ck.

(footsteps thumping)

(phone ringing)

Hey, Mary. What's up?

Some girl came running through my gate

and she had a swimsuit on and

she was wearing handcuffs.

What'd you tell her?

We're all in on your thing, you know,

the hole town is aware.

I appreciate that,

Mary. Where is she now?

I sent her on her way.

You want my boy to track her down for you?

No, no. That's okay.

I'll take care of it.

And thanks, Mary. It

really means a lot to me.

You're one of us now,

Millie. We all got your back.

Sounds like your

girl's on the loose, huh?

Yeah.

(suspenseful music)

(Andrea knocks on door)

Hello.

(Andrea knocks on trailer)

Hello.

(Andrea knocks on trailer)

(pipe gurgling)

Who's that girl walking

around on a bikini?

Oh, don't worry about that.

(motorbike engine revving)

Oh my God. Can you help me, please?

What are you in a swimsuit issue

for Sports Illustrated?

What? No.

Why is your as*h*le red?

I've been abused. Please just help me.

I can take you back to my

place and make a mean a*s taco.

Can you please just call the cops?

How about, no?

What do you

(water g*n spraying)

Oh my God, stop. What? You freak.

f*ck, this smells like piss, ew.

f*ck you, what is wrong with you people?

Can you just stop, stop!

Stop.

(Rusty speaks indistinctly)

(farts exploding)

(upbeat music)

(car door thuds)

(upbeat music)

(calm music)

I'm gonna get you,

Rusty. I'm gonna get you.

Come for you, Rusty.

Please. Can you please help me?

I'm just trying to get outta here.

Do you have a phone or can

I call the cops, anything?

I said I'm gonna come for

your Rusty. I'm coming for you.

Coming for you, Rusty. I'm gonna get you.

Coming for you, Rusty, I'm coming for you.

This just in.

Footage from The Wet Slasher

was sent to the station

as he took another victim yesterday.

This time the k*ller

is getting more brazen

as he m*rder*d someone on the beach.

Yet he continues to elude authorities

who still have no comment.

Please be warned,

the footage we are about to

show is extremely graphic.

(knife cluttering)

(Jackie screaming)

(calm music)

Get in. Come on, hear me out.

If you don't like what I

have to say, I'll let you go.

Come on, you're in Argus.

What are you gonna do?

Get in.

(calm music)

Good girl.

(door thuds)

(calm music)

(door thuds)

(calm music)

(door thuds)

(calm suspenseful music)

(footsteps thumping)

(door latch clicks)

That was so bad.

If I take these handcuffs

off, will you be a good girl?

Yes, please.

Ow.

No drama.

Save the drama for Regina. I need a break.

Come on.

Lead the way.

(footsteps thumping)

Excuse my mess.

My maids have not been here in a while,

as in they have never been here.

But there's still hope. Have a seat.

(keys jangling)

(bag thuds)

So what's your big plan?

If I can prove to you

that Regina doesn't wanna pay a ransom,

will you help me get more money from her?

Just enough to help me

get back to the city?

Doesn't have to be a million.

I'm listening.

She sent someone to k*ll me. It failed.

We'll call her together.

I need you to plead to get me more money.

I'd even split it with you

so you can get away from her.

I don't know. I mean,

she gives me things.

She takes care of me.

You're just a possession to her

and now you know you're worth $10,000.

Bet she spends more on her car.

Yeah, a lot more.

Plus she's stopping you

from your acting career

even if you can't see it now.

Maybe.

How much do you want?

I'm thinking like $80,000.

Just enough to put a down

payment on a condo in LA

and whatever you need.

If I help you with

this, will you let me go?

Immediately.

I would've let you go on the last drop off

if they hadn't screwed me. (Inhales)

(Millie exhales)

So come on. I need you to plead with her.

I know you can get us

both the money we deserve

and then this whole thing will be over.

Okay. Yeah, I'll do it.

Okay, great. Great.

I'll make a FaceTime

call on my burner phone.

Okay. Wait, let me just prepare.

(Andrea sighing)

(Andrea blows raspberry)

Okay, give me the phone.

(Andrea sighing)

(Andrea winning)

(phone pings)

Andrea, has she hurt you anymore.

Baby, she's been beating me a lot

in places you can't even see.

She's gonna k*ll me if you don't pay.

Put Millie on.

Why don't you just pay?

We're not doing this right now.

Is it true that you've

been telling people

not to hire me as an actress?

Put Millie on the phone.

I'm not gonna tell you again.

You're not denying that.

Of course I have nothing to

do with your acting career.

When you make it as an actress,

you'll make it on your own merit.

I've been having the best auditions

yet no one's hiring me.

We are not doing this now.

Can you just tell me the truth?

Someone told me that you

told 'em not to hire me.

Who?

It's true, isn't it?

No. You are just not cutting it.

Oh, so you think I'm bad?

I think you need work, okay?

But that's all I'm going to say.

We need to move on and resolve this

because I want you back here.

Can you just pay then

so I can come home?

Millie Barker is a loser, okay?

And she's f*ck' with my money.

Can you just be honest

with me about my acting

so I can give Millie the phone?

Nobody tells me what to do.

Just be honest with me, Regina.

You suck.

Fine. You're a lousy actress, okay?

And if I ever tank an audition for you,

it's because I don't want

you to be terrible in a gig,

that's gonna make me look bad.

Are you happy?

What's it gonna take for you to pay me?

I'll give you another 10,000.

And then you, me and Andrea

can all walk away from this.

I get nightmares in Argus.

You pay me $50,000, I

get to come back to LA.

All of our nightmares go away.

Fine. 20,000 and that's my final offer.

You think I won't k*ll your wife?

Mm, no.

You're willing to risk

her life over $30,000.

Well, I guess I am.

Fine. We have a deal.

Great.

(keypad clicks)

I'll get her back, Regina.

Frankly it won't be easy.

There isn't much time.

(calm music)

(insects chirping)

[Andrea] What are we gonna do now?

You Ladies need anything?

No, we're okay. Thanks.

My babysitter ODed.

Oh my God.

That did not go how I expected

it. Do you have any ideas?

Come on, you must have some ideas.

What you say in Argus stays in Argus.

Are you trying to find a

way to make the exchange,

not have them k*ll you?

Yeah, that's the general vibe.

Well, it won't happen.

Fred is sick for Regina, and

he'll do whatever she wants.

And right now she wants you dead.

Well, what do you suggest?

We k*ll Regina,

but we'll make sure it doesn't

have anything to do with us.

I'll inherit all the money.

Hey, hey, hey. I only

k*ll at the comedy store.

Aren't all comics supposed

to be like depressed?

Well, who wouldn't be

depressed here? (Clears throat)

Look, I'm not gonna m*rder anyone.

Obviously, that's why she

barely paid you anything

and that's why she won't do

anything and have you k*lled.

Look, even if I wanted to k*ll her,

I don't think I could do it. (Sighs)

It's crazy talk.

I don't know. We

just, we need more time.

Why would you wanna k*ll your wife?

Just because she thinks

you're a lousy actress?

I don't, by the way. I

think you're very good.

You really fooled her.

Yeah, I fooled her for now.

But when she finds out,

she'll drop me and leave me with nothing.

We have a prenup.

Hmm. Never a good idea.

Well, we need to make a plan

and when we do, I'm all in.

But I just don't think I could hurt anyone

and I can't believe you could.

Have you heard of the Colombian necktie?

Is that some sort of sex thing?

No. No.

It's when you k*ll someone,

you cut their tongue off.

It's Colombian, I'm Colombian.

You don't have an accent.

(Andrea speaks in foreign language)

What's that mean?

My father was a worthless piece of sh*t.

But he did teach me some

things and he'd say,

"Whoever betrays you

as a worthy of living."

Do you really think

you could k*ll Regina

and cut out her tongue?

I don't know. Maybe.

f*ck.

What?

I just wanted to see

if you actually cared

if I sweared or not.

Like this bullshit of your

parents being British.

My parents are British, but

that's not why I don't swear.

Then why?

This ex once told me

that I could never go

a day without swearing.

So?

So I'm proving him wrong.

I've been proving him wrong for years.

Don't like all comics swear.

You're getting off track.

Eat up.

Ugh.

Oh God. This is...

Ugh. I'm not used to these standards.

Ah, what I'm worried about

is Regina figuring out

that I don't love her.

In fact, I f*ck' hate her.

This is Argus's finest cuisine.

So I want you to eat up

and then we're gonna go back to my place

because we've got some planning to do.

Mm, it's good.

(Lexi chuckles)

Hey guys, welcome to my live.

Oh, looks like razor's not here

and the bubble bath was his idea.

Well, there's enough of you here anyway,

so let's get started. (Chuckles)

Hmm.

Well, you guys know you have to tip

for me to take things off.

(computer pinging)

There we go. Hmm. (Chuckles)

Hmm.

Hmm. Let's see.

You want me to take off my skirt next?

Hmm. Come on.

You guys need to tip.

You guys wanna see this sweet a*s, right?

(computer pinging)

Come on. Tip me.

There you go. I love

that sound. (Chuckles)

Hmm, oh.

Hmm, mm-hmm. You like this? (Moaning)

Tip me more.

(computer pinging)

(Lexi moaning)

(computer pinging)

(suspenseful music)

f*ck that.

(Lexi screaming)

(suspenseful music)

(knife clatters)

(upbeat music)

(Razor sighs)

You, you ignored me.

You talked down to me.

It didn't feel good.

I still love you. I still

love you so much, Lexi.

I just, I wish I could understand water.

It always has to be water.

There's just something

about water, you know?

It's like it washes my sins away

and it makes me feel clean.

Do you ever feel that way?

It's like being baptized.

You ever been baptized?

You can't answer me,

but maybe it's kind of like

you're being baptized right now.

I was baptized when I was a little baby.

I still remember it. No joke.

I actually remember being baptized.

It's an uncanny anything.

I remember it like so vividly,

it might as well have been yesterday.

It's crazy, isn't it?

I feel like you hear me and you feel me

and you understand me.

Even though I know that's impossible.

I feel like we're really close right now.

Oh God, I love you so much.

I just wanna baptize you forever.

We can wash our sins away, all of them.

I love you, Lexi.

I really do love you.

(upbeat music)

Breaking news.

The Wet Slasher claimed

another victim last night.

This yet to be named cam model

was m*rder*d while streaming

from a bubble bath.

Her cam name is Lexi Sinclair.

We have footage taken

live during her cam show.

Please be advised,

what you are about to

see is extremely graphic.

(Lexi screaming)

(Lexi thuds)

(Knife clattering)

In case you might hear

about anything unusual happening to me.

I just wanted to explain

some things to you

that you don't know.

Oh, gee, I'm The Wet Slasher.

The Wet Slasher. It's me. It's me.

I know that probably's gonna

shock you and disturb you,

but it seems important

that you hear it from me

before you hear on the news.

I never told you about Missy.

Remember her cat got lost.

I let you believe that she was

just lost. She wasn't lost.

I'm so sorry. I wanted to tell you.

I always meant to tell

you, but I just couldn't.

Bad thoughts.

(somber music)

When the news comes out,

you're not gonna like

what you're gonna hear.

I wanted to be different.

It's just that there's this,

the thing inside me that...

This thing I can't control.

Sometimes I can take deep

breaths and I can control it.

Sometimes I just can't.

It's like I didn't want to

ever have to tell you this.

I wanted to be different. I

wanted to be the good person.

But this is who I am. The things I did.

I'm sorry, mom.

Uh. f*ck!

(Razor grunts)

You f*cking idiot.

sh*t!

New message from Razor. It can wait.

We need a better plan.

What are you thinking?

I need more time.

Okay, I'll check this

message from Razor.

He's my tech guy. Could be important.

[Razor] I'm The Wet Slasher.

Holy crap.

It's me.

Sorry mom, I know that's a lot to take in,

but it's better that you heard it from me.

I do bad things to women.

Sometimes they deserve

it, sometimes they don't.

I make them wet.

I have it. Oh my...

I have a plan. Contact him.

What, what, now?

What do I say?

Just contact him.

How? Email?

No, not an email, idiot.

Just call him, please.

You don't have to call

me names. I'll call him.

Oh, God.

Oh. Oh, he's been trying to call me.

No sh*t, Sherlock.

(phone ringing)

Oh, Millie. Hey.

Hey, hey, I was trying to call

you, but you didn't pick up.

Listen, this is kind of important.

I just sent you a file

and I didn't mean to, it was a mistake.

So don't open.

Whatever you do, don't listen to it.

You know what? It doesn't matter.

It was just a stupid joke.

I'm not really The Wet

Slasher. That's ridiculous.

It was...

Put it on Speaker.

Razor, we need to talk to you about a...

We heard everything, Razor.

So you either do something for us

or we'll send the file to the cops.

Who's this?

Oh, sorry.

This is do what I f*cking say

if you don't wanna be

butt f*cked in prison

for the rest of your life.

Well, that's...

Pleasure speaking to you.

Tell me what you want me to do.

Are you still judging me, Fred?

I'm not judging you.

I'm just a little surprised

you're so willing to

gamble with Andrea's life.

(phone ringing)

How do you wanna proceed

with the exchange, Millie?

Fred said you hadn't decided yet.

You have the money?

Yes.

I was thinking I could

take Andrea to your house.

Figured we'd keep the cops out

of this. We'll all be happy.

That works for me.

And Fred, I just wanna

thank you for everything.

I know you didn't support

Regina's stupid low ball offer.

That's right, Andrea.

I did not support that.

The most important thing is

that you will be home safe soon

and you'll have Regina to thank for that.

Yeah. And you know, Fred,

I just remember you putting

your big strong arm around me.

I mean, I used to think

you were flirting with me,

but now I know that you

were just comforting me,

looking out for me.

I don't know what you mean, Andrea.

Oh, come on, Freddy.

No time for the hero to play shy guy.

I mean, many times near

the pool, in the studio,

when you'd help me with my acting lessons.

I remember a lot of times.

But it's a good thing.

I mean, I'm very grateful

for all the support.

Oh, oh, okay. When can we expect you?

We'll be there by the end of the day.

Can't wait.

(keypad clicks)

She was exaggerating about

the touching, Regina.

Well, you're fired, Fred.

(shoes clacking)

(door latch clicks)

(door thuds)

Fred will be out of there in seconds.

Regina will be home alone.

And when Regina's stressed out,

she likes to go in the jacuzzi.

You know, a jacuzzi full of water.

Razor will have to do his thing.

We finally have the perfect plan.

But I can't ask him to do that.

Oh, don't worry. I can.

(suspenseful music)

(water sloshing)

(suspenseful music)

(knife clatters)

- [Regina] Ah!

I'm gonna make a Lonely

Fans account for you, Regina.

So you'll be remembered forever.

(calm music)

Oh, thanks. (Laughs)

Oh, I'd love to see you do comedy someday.

Me too.

You know, under different circumstances

we could have dated.

Yeah. Like if she were

deaf, dumb, and blind

and someone dumped her in Argus.

Yeah, no offense.

There's no way in hell I'll

ever step foot in Argus again.

(Andrea laughs)

Come on.

Let's get outta here.

(calm music)

(door thuds)

(calm music)

The Wet Slasher struck again.

And this time he chose a celebrity victim.

Very few people knew that reality star

and housie mogul, Regina Worthington

had a sexy Lonely Fans account

that drew the attention

of The Wet Slasher.

He k*lled her in her home jacuzzi.

She survived by her

wife, Andrea Worthington.

(door thuds)

Benny, I made you a drink.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry to hear what

happened to your wife, Andrea,

but I'm hoping you're

ready to turn a new page.

Yeah, no it's okay.

I've moved on for Regina

and I'm actually looking

for better things.

You mean that, babe? I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to call you babe.

(Andrea laughs)

I don't mind.

Regina hated when I called her babe.

Well, get me a good job

and you can call me whatever you want.

I like your attitude, babe.

I think I might have

the perfect job for you.

I think it is great

that they let you take over Regina's show,

you'll make a perfect host.

And now you can finally

put those acting skills

to great use.

You know that no one can

know about the kidnapping,

right, Fred?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Right. Yeah. (Chuckles)

Tripling your salary has a

way of affecting your memory.

I used to look like a soccer mom,

and now I look like a soccer mom

but walked out on her kids.

(audience laugh)

To do weird sh*t.

(audience laugh)

In a weed dress.

(audience laughing)

(car door thuds)

(calm music)

(gate squeaking)

(gate thuds)

(suspenseful music)

Hey, what's been going on?

I haven't heard from you.

My phone's been f*cked up again.

That's what I figured.

So what I have for you

is the brand new Android Galaxy something.

You know how us droid

f*ck, we don't care.

Awesome. Thank you.

And I got some organic vodka

made from potatoes grown

by real alcoholic hipsters.

And don't forget the vegan dog treats.

Sounds like you've been in LA.

Yeah, I've been moving back all week.

I just dropped off the

keys to the landlord.

He's got some dope slingers

moving into my place Monday.

I'm gonna use the money I got

and I'm gonna rent a place

in LA and get back to comedy.

I gotta work my way back in.

You gonna make fun of

all us drunks and druggies

out here in the desert?

Probably.

You be sure and tell 'em I'm both.

I will.

Hey, thanks for everything.

You gonna come back and visit?

Probably not. It's a hell of a drive.

Hey, will you tell Mary I say goodbye

and check your truck?

Peace.

(calm music)

(door latch clicks)

(door thuds)

(engine revving)

(suspenseful music)

(door latch clicks)

You are never getting outta Argus.

(upbeat music)

(static crackling)

(suspenseful music)

(dramatic music)

I am in the West Mojave desert.

A scorpion just crawled out of my bra.

(audience laughing)

I'm just kidding, I don't wear bra.

(audience laughing)

But it crawled out of somewhere.

(audience laughing)

What I'm saying is there's

a lot of wildlife out there,

okay? I'm competing with actual cougars.

(audience laughing)

And then there's Argus.

It's a very small town.

The second most popular

restaurant is the Shell Station.

(audience laughing)

But I hang out in Argus

because as we've kind of

established, you know,

I like the bad boys.

Like people say, "Was

your dad an alcoholic?"

I'm like, "He still is."

(audience laughing)

I came in with my Prius, got no kids,

woman over 50 with all my teeth.

(audience laughing)

I think that's what

you call a desert rose.

(audience laughing)

When you do find a guy

with a working vehicle.

He's got expired (indistinct)

(audience laughing)

So a date in Argus is

like you tailgating a guy

so the cops don't see

the expired (indistinct)

I'm like, "It's only our first date.

I'm already riding your a*s."

I love the way Argus

smells in the morning.

It's got this special smell

like around five o'clock in

the morning and you're like,

like something's burning.

But it's not the barbecues, you know?

It's not the...

It's arson. (Chuckles)

Arson man.

And that brings up this

one dude I met there.

Squatter Mark.

Squatter Mark, he was sort of like,

I would describe him as a

punk rock sunny Crockett.

A pretty hot look in Argus, okay?

I mean, I will say, keep

in mind that an Argus 10

is in la 51/50.

(audience laughing)

Oh yeah, meth.

(audience laughing)

That's where we were.