Adventures of Mark Twain, The (1944)

[bunniefuu]

Great day in the morning.

- Have mercy on the cotton.

Halley's Comet, Halley's Comet.

What they calls the name?

Halley? Who's she?

Halley's the man what conjured

it up there, I reckon.

Halley done seen it first.

Judge Clemens, how do we know that

thing won't set the world on fire?

We know about it because it

comes back every 75 years.

Think of it as kind of

a Jubilee in heaven.

Like a possum hunt?

- Well, like a camp-meeting in Heaven.

Judge Clemens .. come quick.

They want you down home.

It's done happened.

Jane, darling.

John .. it's a boy.

- A boy .. oh ..

Well sir .. this is the night.

Can you see that other comet, son?

I reckon that big comet must have come

out the very minute this child was born.

Like as if it brung him from

somewhere clean out of the world.

I suppose people all over the country

are looking at that comet tonight.

And not one soul of them has ever heard

of little Samuel Langhorne Clemens.

Young man .. that's you.

"Persons attempting to find a motive

in this narrative will be prosecuted."

"Persons attempting to find

a moral, will be banished."

"Persons attempting to

find a plot .. will be shot."

"By order of .. Mark .. Twain."

That is me you just

saw, a little bit ago.

I came a little ahead of schedule.

Maybe that was due to the comet.

When I arrived, I hadn't any hair, I

hadn't any teeth, I hadn't any clothes.

But it was alright then.

Because I didn't know that I

should have been embarrassed.

I've learnt since, to my sorrow, that

Man is the only animal that blushes.

Or needs to.

In fact .. I blush a little

now as I look back.

Some things a man doesn't like to

tell about himself unless he gets ..

Beyond the grave, as they say.

But now I can tell the truth,

the whole truth and ..

Well that is .. within limits.

You see, truth is a very valuable thing.

And I believe we should be

a little .. economical with it.

Well .. I was born under the comet.

Now that's the truth.

And I grew up in the village

of Hannibal, Missouri.

That's the truth.

I think the village contained

a hundred people.

"And I increased the

population by one percent."

"That's more than some of the best

men in history have done for a town."

"Life unfolded gently there."

"And the Mississippi was more

important than the Seven Seas."

"Right in the middle of

it was Jackson's Island."

"It was the lair of as bloodthirsty a

mob of pirates as ever scuttled a ship."

"There was Tom, the terror of the seas."

"And Huckleberry the red-handed."

"And our sl*ve-boy Jim.

The avenger of the Picaroons."

"And here were built the long, low

luggers that plowed the Spanish Main."

"The others supplied the labour,

and I supplied the imagination."

Hurry men, hurry. Those buccaneers

will beat us to the treasure.

They ain't nothing but

white-trash on a raft.

That's Captain Kid and his

pirates in disguise.

What?

It seems like the doggon-est

thing keeps going on.

I don't know where my Sam is at.

"We rescued many a beauteous maiden and

made many a villain walk the plank."

"And of course, we gave

our spoils to the poor."

It's a Galleon, men.

Get ready to board her.

Master Sam, we can't get on a steamboat.

And if we does, they'll fling us off.

"But pirating was only secondary."

"It was the river that held us."

"The broad, majestic river with its

lazy current and its soft, cool mud."

"Its steamboats were

our dreams of luxury."

"Their pilots were our gods."

Gosh fellahs, 'The Big Missouri'.

And look at the pilot up there.

Running the whole business.

"I clung to the river until the last,

precious moment of the day."

"Then I had to give up my

life of crime and go home."

"I used to shinny up the

porch roof and in a window."

"I got so I could do it in record time."

"I suppose most boys have

tried to fool their mothers."

"I used to try to fool mine."

[ Snoring sound ]

Sam.

Sam, you needn't play possum.

I heard you come in.

[ Snoring sound ]

Time to get up, Ma?

You know perfectly well I ought

to tan you, Sam Clemens.

Do you realize that ..

For four lifelong hours I hadn't known

whether you were alive or drowned.

Oh Ma, I'll never get drownded.

Well, I reckon it's as you were born to

hang, like all other river riff-raff.

Nothing ever happens around this

old town, except on the river.

The river. I wish I'd

never heard of that river.

Once that Mississippi mud gets

into you Sam, it never gets out.

All that's left me in my life is to try

to make you into a fine, cultured man.

Looked up to and respected.

Like your father was.

I reckon that river is too much for me.

Gosh, Ma.

Why don't you try once more,

to help Orion in the printing shop?

Just during your vacations so

that you'll stay out of trouble.

Won't you try, son?

And maybe someday you'll

learn to be a Printer.

Alright, Ma .. I'll try.

"After 3 years in that print shop, I was

ready to change places with a convict."

"And pay him a bonus."

"I was pretty well discouraged."

"My brother Orion was more discouraged."

Shush. Quiet Rock.

- Sam.

Now what have I done?

- My stars almighty.

It seems to me the past 3 years would

have taught you to do something right.

Seth Peters paid his subscription today

with 2 bushels of large, yellow 'bears'.

'Pears' you dunce. Not 'bears'.

[ Singing: ]

"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen."

"Nobody knows but .. Jesus."

Come on. The steamboat is coming.

Steamboat is coming, Sam.

I guess you're not in much of a hurry.

There's seven hours work on

that floor. You dunderhead.

If only somebody invented a machine

that would set type by itself.

He'd make ten million dollars.

And I'd pay half.

Clemens. I won't stand for this.

I'm sure I don't understand, Mr Higgins.

Look at that.

'Last Tuesday, Mr Higgins, editor

of The Bugle, out-stood as a hero ..'

'When he single-handed rescued

his self from drowning his self'.

Why, I never saw ..

'His sweetheart left him high and dry'.

'So he waded out in the

river to end his sorrows'.

'When his soundings showed he couldn't

drown without getting in over his head'.

'He turned around and waded

out, and is in our midst again'.

This is serious. Fighting serious.

Mr Higgins sir, I swear I never set

eyes on that item before in my life.

Do you mean to say ..?

Holy suffering Jehoshaphat.

Taking you by-and-large, Sam Clemens.

You do seem to be more different kinds

of an a*s than I ever saw before.

Why I ever took you aboard beats me.

Where are you taking her now?

- I wished I was dead.

One thing you got to have Sam Clemens

if you're going to be a river-pilot ..

And that's a memory.

You can't think you know this river.

You got to know you know it.

Yes sir.

That's Angel's Point over yonder.

There's shallow water

by that the cotton mill.

And that's the Harrison

plantation on that bluff.

Stop that.

- Yes sir.

Water less twain.

Look out, look out.

Don't hug that slick place.

There ain't six feet there.

She won't stand it, she begins

to sense it. Look sharp I tell you.

Seven feet.

Look out, look out.

Oh blazes .. there you go.

Turn her down .. snatch her, snatch her!

Stop your starboard wheel, quick.

Ship up the back. Set her back.

Let go of that whistle-cord.

What are you doing up there?

You remember what I told

you about those bluff reefs?

What did I say?

- I don't know, sir.

You don't know? Now look here, why

do you think I told you all that stuff?

To be entertaining, I thought, sir.

To be ..?

Get out of this pilot house.

Get off this boat.

Dive overboard. sh**t yourself.

Anything. But get out of here.

Before you sink us all.

Come back here.

I said I'd learn you the river.

And when I tell a man I'll learn him the

river, I'll learn him if it kills him.

Take the wheel.

Take it.

Hold her steady now.

She'll pull through.

Mark .. twain.

Safe water .. mark .. twain.

Well, there's one call you'll never

forget so long as you live, boy.

Mark twain .. safe water.

Many a night of storm and fog when

you're trying to go on through.

You'll be straining your

ears to hear that call.

The welcome-est sound in all

the world to a river-man.

Is those two words:

Mark twain.

"I remembered Bixby all these years."

"I don't see why he didn't drown me."

"He must have been a good teacher."

"Because, after a while I WAS a pilot."

"And I was beginning what I suppose

a man must call his .. 'real life'."

Sam.

Mr Clemens.

Now here's a thing, you take this rock

sample. I've been trying to tell you ..

The one hundredth time.

- No, this is a different kind of rock.

Look, Clemens, if I didn't think so much

of you I wouldn't argue you into this.

Steve Gillis, why don't

you try to do right?

It would please an awful lot of people.

And astonish the rest.

This rock's no good.

It's got a rotten streak in it.

Why that's silver, you jug-head.

- It is?

Sure, the mountain is

just busting with it.

So why would you go to seed on the river

when you can go out west and get rich?

Steve, it isn't that I don't

believe you but ..

What does a river-pilot

want with a million?

I'm telling you a man wouldn't

know this river lately.

Ed's rushing west.

I don't suppose a man lives who can

stand prosperity. Other people's I mean.

Fifty thousand longhorns by

way of the Cross-Timbers.

All down and around she goes.

I tell you boys, the whole town

is built on a mountain of silver.

If you don't do this, you'll regret

it all the rest of your life.

I know you'll be with me. So, I get the

assayer's report and that will prove it.

Alright gentlemen, keep your

eye on the ace of spades.

There you are gentlemen.

Who wants to try?

I'll take this one.

Sorry, now watch closely.

It's all very simple.

Incredible. Permitting themselves

to be robbed like that.

Sorry.

We give a chance and you take it.

If at first you don't succeed, you ..

Cough up.

I don't know what you're talking about.

- Come on, quick.

Now the rest of it.

Can I help Mr Clemens?

Too bad we haven't got a cure for this

man's manners. Maybe drowning will help.

Alright, cast off.

Ain't these yours?

- What?

Why yes, I believe they are.

Oh, there is something else.

Thank you. I think that's mine also.

Yeah .. yeah.

I suppose she's your ..

- My sister.

Good .. I mean of course, of course.

Glad to have met you.

- Thank you, sir.

Mr Clemens.

Try again?

Mr Clemens.

- Yes, sir?

Well, I'm indebted to you.

My name is Charles Langdon.

'Langdon'?

Have you ever been to a pilot

house? Well come up later.

I'm .. I'm going to give

the boys a little surprise.

A surprise?

The shellbacks on here would jump this

boat if they knew what's coming tonight.

Can I ..

Can I see that again?

- I beg your pardon?

Nothing, nothing .. just let it go.

Change your luck with the other diners.

Step right up and around she goes.

A passenger in the pilot

house is kind of special.

Those are pilots back there. Not on

duty. They're just studying the river.

This fog is getting thicker and thicker.

- Should have tied up an hour ago.

Oh, you know it yourself.

If he's dead set to wreck her

I want to see it from here.

On account of the view.

Think your sister would be interested ..

- Do pilots have to study?

We never do anything else.

This river takes up all our time.

And how old did you say your sister was?

Look here. The Captain tells me you're

going to tie up short of Hat Island.

You bet your gizzard

he's going to tie up.

You think he wants to knock

the boat's brains out?

I've got to pick up eighty tons

of buffalo hide in St Joe.

You will.

No pilot ever ran into Hat Island

in the fog and no pilot ever will.

Now you get out of here.

Pretty bad Mr Clemens.

I think we'd better tie up.

I'll tell you when I want to tie up.

Put out those torch-baskets.

Put out those torch-baskets.

Put out them fires. Get those

lights out. Hurry. Chop-chop.

I suppose in the case of

a girl like your sister ..

It's got pretty hard to see the river.

- Oh no.

The trick is to guess

which is the wet part.

It seems wide enough.

- Of course, a mile wide on the surface.

But underneath it's one long

mass of shoals, barbs and snags.

For 1,200 miles of river.

You have to know where each one

of them is within a couple of feet.

And they change position overnight.

You can't think you know this river,

you've got to know you know it.

No, really?

Learn 1,200 miles of river ..

This is the first time in seven years

Sam's told the plain, undecorated truth.

And that young fellow doesn't

believe a word he said.

You mean you never

heard of these things?

You'll have to forgive my

ignorance, Mr Clemens but ..

I'm afraid there are millions of people

who know even less about it than I do.

I never took no stock in the notion that

people wasn't the same everywhere.

We all speak the same language.

[ Ship's horn. Loud. ]

Shut up you blasted fool.

Steer around.

You stupid, dunderheaded ..

Flea-brained, river-hog!

Why, you ornery, numbskull,

rapscallion, mud-cat, rascal.

Serves you right!

Put a light on the

worm-eaten brush-pile.

So a man can see you of a night.

What was I saying about language?

I notice you keep looking back.

Oh that. Well ..

That's on account of the alligators.

Alligators?

Oh, you run into them?

No, no. They grab on to

the stern of the boat.

If there's one thing an alligator loves

more than another, it's to hitch a ride.

Hitch a ride?

- Uhuh.

Of course, just a few alligators

hanging on behind aren't so bad.

The boat can stand some drag.

But then the next alligator grabs

on to the first one's tail and then ..

Another one grabs onto him, until you're

pulling a whole chain of alligators.

You've really seen this thing?

- Nearly every trip.

Why, I've struggled up this river

dragging a mass of alligators ..

A mile long and ten alligators wide.

Really?

- Uhuh.

A whole crock of overgrown

lies I've ever heard in my life.

And that the young fellow believes.

Thank heaven, there's the foot of

Hat Island. He'll have to tie up.

I couldn't have stood no more.

Sam, see you below in the Texas.

Aye-aye Captain.

Mark three on the starboard.

Mark three on the starboard.

Wade, ain't he gone past his landing?

Do you suppose any man alive is fool

enough to run that island in this soup?

Standby below.

Half twain.

Starboard.

Half twain, starboard.

Call Bixby and the others.

They've ain't never seen nothing

like this and never will again.

Down below, pile up a head of steam

down there. I want everything you got.

You've tied the safety-valve down, sir.

- What?

If this gauge goes any higher,

I don't want to be looking at it.

Well, hang your hat on the gauge.

When it blows upon the

railroad, there you is.

When it blows upon a

steamboat, where is you?

He'll never make it.

You're the man that taught him.

- I didn't teach him this.

Sam, you'll never get her through.

- Then I'll get her half through, twice.

Quarter less twain .. starboard.

Quarter less twain .. starboard.

Stand by .. get ready now.

I hope he knows what he's doing.

I've run this river nigh on 20 years,

Captain. I never saw a man try this.

Half twain on larboard.

Half twain on the starboard.

By Jove .. the stern is coming

down just exactly right.

He's over the first reef.

Seven feet, starboard.

Seven feet, starboard.

Six feet larboard.

Six feet larboard.

She's groaning. Going to six feet.

She's feeling it now.

- We'll never make it.

Nine feet starboard.

Nine feet starboard.

Eight and half feet larboard.

Eight and half feet larboard.

Seven feet starboard.

Seven feet starboard.

Six feet larboard.

Six feet larboard.

The sounding is off .. grounding!

Now let her have it.

Every ounce you got!

Grounding .. grounding larboard.

Grounding larboard!

Pull her hard down! Slash her.

Slash her.

Mark twain .. safe water.

Mark twain ..

Beautiful job, Sam.

- I never expected to see that.

Sam Clemens never did anything

like he was expected to in his life.

The old Mississippi done found her boss.

[ Singing: ]

"The pilot is a mighty man."

"The pilot is a mighty man.

The pilot is a mighty man."

"The boat was stuck in the river

mud .. the pilot made his plea."

"Let me drive this boat like I know

I did, when the ark moved on the sea."

"When the ark moved on the sea."

"High water or low water."

"The pilot is a mighty man.

Yeah, the pilot is a mighty man."

I never saw such thick

weather in my life.

The other pilots are

saying it was the most ..

What do you people call it?

Oh, 'lightning' bit of piloting

ever seen on the river.

I'm glad it suited them.

Because that was my last run.

It was your what?

I'm leaving the river.

You're joking.

Well yes it is a joke, in a way.

All my life, everybody's been trying

to tell me this river was only a ..

Wet streak in the dirt.

A wet street?

- Yep.

My parents .. my brothers .. everybody.

They broke their hearts

trying to tell me.

But oh no, I wouldn't listen.

Clemens, if ever I saw a man

well-fitted for his job and ..

And perfectly happy in

that job, you were he.

Why, there's nothing in the world

happier than a frog in the mud.

But you know a ..

Frog can only see about eight feet.

I wonder what would happen

if a frog saw a star?

It would k*ll him, probably.

He'd need a drink, probably.

I didn't realize there was anything

a river man could never have.

It will take time .. I'll need money.

I'll head west first.

They're building a new country out there

Langdon. I aim to have a crack at it.

Of all the .. I can't imagine

what's come over you.

I can tell you but you won't believe me.

It wouldn't be possible

for you to believe me.

Yes?

You see that picture of your

sister there, Langdon?

Yes.

That's the girl I'm going to marry.

We're almost there. Come on Beulah.

Beulah, come on, do as

I ask .. come on Beulah.

Beulah .. Beulah.

Oyster on the larboard, Steve.

She's hard-grounded.

Beulah.

I'm going to learn you.

- That reef's got her amidships.

Beulah.

Beulah, now don't aggravate me.

It's no use, Steve.

She's took root worse than

a Jeff Davis democrat.

Yeah, we might as well locate here.

- Yeah.

That looks like a creek bottom there,

so you just as well start hauling water.

What for?

We got to wash the gold out

of this gravel you lunkhead.

Too bad Beulah didn't balk where

we could have flumed the water.

We need about a million gallons.

A million?

Why, you rapscallion,

flea-brained, numbskull.

You, dunderheaded, dust-eating,

gully-hopping, pot-walloping ..

Mississippi methods.

They work too.

- Yeah.

For a minute.

I sure think we're coming

to something, Sam.

Sam.

Hey Steve.

Steve.

I can't find it.

What in the name of time

are you doing down there?

I'm getting rich out west.

Here, take this.

Well, I've found out

what a mine is, anyway.

It's a hole in the ground with

a darned fool at the end of it.

Some old tunnel runs right under here.

- Well, maybe we can dig a way round it.

What's an abandoned tunnel doing

there if there's any gold in it?

They missed the seam, that's all.

- Yeah, well I'm finished, that's all.

Oh no, Sam. Let's pan just one more.

That last pan showed awful good color.

No.

Now don't get so previous Sam.

We might strike it any minute.

No.

Why are you so stubborn?

What did we come here for anyway?

I'd have never showed up here if I

hadn't known there was something here.

Do you realize we're broke?

- Yep.

No grub and no place to sleep.

- Yep.

All I'm trying to do is herd together

enough money to go east in decent style.

This girl isn't going to wait forever,

you know, without seeing me at least.

You sure that would help?

Hurry up or I'll miss my stage.

- That's 240 dollars.

I heard they got a big

strike at Horseshoe Bend.

Steve, it beats me how anybody can

avoid getting rich in this country.

People who came here three

weeks ago are rich now.

We get worse off by the minute.

Can we go back and try the mine again?

- No.

Well, just one more pail of water ..

- No.

[ g*nshots! ]

Things sure go fast here.

Poor fellow worked for the newspaper.

Take your opinions with you.

We don't want them.

He had a right to print the facts.

Maybe you want to step into his shoes?

I didn't see nothing, Mr Lake.

Then stand back.

Where is that newspaper office?

- In there.

We've set it out in bold type.

Just under 'The Enterprise'.

And Billings .. that headline ..

Who are you?

Sam Clemens is my name.

I'm your new reporter.

Joe Goodman is my name,

and I've got a reporter.

Didn't you hear that g*nf*re just now?

You had a reporter.

Was that Davy? They got him too.

What are you doing now?

If there's one man in this town who's so

low down that he can't speak his mind ..

And print it if he wants to,

then this country is done.

I'm writing an account of how that man

died, and it will curl somebody's hair.

Good.

That better, Sam?

Yeah, yeah that's fine, Billings.

Now, set her up.

Sam.

- Yeah?

Sam, where we going to get a frog?

A frog? Billings, you got a frog?

What in time do you want a frog for?

- Brett Harte at Angels Camp got a frog.

Well go borrow his frog. Let me work.

He'll bet every cent he's got, his frog

can out-jump any frog in this country.

Don't you see what a chance it is?

Now, you're a Mississippi frog expert.

We ride to Angel's Camp and you pick a

frog that will lay it all over his frog.

And we get odds of the ten-to-one

and bet every cent we've got.

'We' got?

- Sure.

Now look here Steve, I've

worked and slaved and scraped.

I've got almost enough money to go east.

I'll be out of here in another 2 weeks.

Supposing that girl's family

turns out to be dead rich?

Suppose they take you for a tr*mp, and

won't even let you through the door?

All because you wouldn't listen to me.

- I tell you, I'm not ..

Brett Harte's got a satchel full of

money he's begging us to take.

Trying to force it on us.

- Steve, it's no use.

I'm not going to catch you any frog.

Come on over this way, come on.

Right over here, Sam.

Now, I'll get him if he'll

just sit still a minute.

Did you miss him?

- Yeah, I missed him.

Keep after him now, Sam.

- Yeah.

She's a good frog.

- I'll get him ..

Catch him, Sam?

- No, I missed him.

Come on. A little further forward.

I see him, I see him.

I'll grab him by the legs.

Ah .. that one didn't have any legs.

All I got was a mouthful of cat-tail.

Now don't get to giving up.

There's a hundred good frogs in here.

Here's one. He's a real champion.

I'll get him, Steve.

Right .. now Steve.

No. No, Sam. Go to your left.

Go to your left, Sam.

You quit telling me what to do, Steve.

Tell these frogs what to do.

I never saw such slippery frogs.

They must have eel blood in them.

I give up, Steve.

You come in and try it yourself.

It ain't no use.

Can't stay here all day.

Where's the frog?

- I didn't catch any.

Yes I did.

Oh we're sure set to collect now.

Here .. you take this money.

And bet every cent of it on our frog.

You just bet the whole town.

Wait a minute. Where on earth

did this money come from?

Well uh .. some of it I

took from your mattress.

The rest of it I .. well I

gave the landlady a note.

Of course, I had to sign your name.

Steve, for heaven's sake.

I'll be four years paying this off.

Sam .. did I ever let you down?

Yes.

Now Sam, don't talk like a ninny. I tell

you I know what I'm talking about.

It's impossible for us to lose.

I tell you, we are in ..

g*dd*mn Sam.

Holy ..

Free drinks .. free drinks everybody.

Friends .. thank you for making me

Chairman of the 'Jumping Jubilee'.

We all know why we're gathered here.

You're darn tooting.

We'll settle this thing.

Please, please.

Men of California.

And Nevada.

We're here today to decide

a mighty serious thing.

A mighty serious challenge.

Daniel Webster, the longest

jumping frog in the golden west.

Owned by Brett Harte of Angel's Camp.

Has stood undefeated against allcomers.

Raise the odds.

And now comes an unknown

frog from Virginia City.

Named after one of our leading citizens.

That fine laundry man and cook:

One Long Hop.

Owned by Steve Gillis and Sam Clemens.

Gentlemen, the honor of our two

great cities is in the balance.

I ask for fair play and we're here

to see that everybody gets it.

Quiet .. quiet.

Remember, each frog gets three

jumps. The sum total counts.

This visiting frog gets the first jump.

- Bring on your frog, Steve Gillis.

You get the money down?

- Every cent.

Here's a hundred. He'll out-jump him.

- I'll embrace that bet.

Do you want to bet fifty

dollars on Daniel Webster?

Velly solly. Me 'One Long Hop'.

Ground your frog.

No inching.

Remember, one tickle

on the first jump only.

Why gentlemen, it's virtually an

insult to this magnificent specimen.

I repeat, an insult to pit him against

the puny entry of my belittler.

Twenty to one.

- Twenty to one.

Gentlemen, we're

taking all bets .. 20-1.

A loose hold and he'll leap higher.

Now, hunch them muscles and heave.

Jump one.

Kick son, can't you.

And two.

It's the third and last jump.

Come on now, One Long Hop.

Hop.

Hop.

Hop.

Doesn't mean a thing.

Three .. six .. nine .. twelve ..

Shush ..

What does he measure?

Twelve foot six, and two sixteenths.

It ain't too previous to tell you,

but we're going to be rich.

That was a great jump, Steve.

Now bring forth Daniel Webster.

Gentlemen.

You are on the threshold of history.

A little more room, gentlemen.

That's it. Wouldn't like

to have anybody injured.

Further back, further back.

Give this amphibian marvel some room.

Release your frog, sir.

Straight down the line, Daniel.

Aim frog .. and jump it well.

Mind now, only one

tickle on the first jump.

That's all, neighbor.

- Thank you, Judge.

Daniel doesn't need it.

Get your knees into it now, Daniel.

Get ready, Daniel.

Flies .. flies!

That's the first jump.

Pull yourself together, Daniel.

Get your mind on this.

Give it everything.

Flies .. flies!

That's the second.

I asked you to get further back.

He's afraid to let go.

Get back, folks. Get back, get back.

Now he can jump.

Stranger, would you be so

kind as to remove that face?

Give it everything .. flies.

Flies.

You've never thrown

off on me yet, Daniel.

If you love me.

If you love me .. give me the beans!

Flies .. flies!

If he ain't budged in

twenty seconds he's out.

Flies .. flies!

That's the third jump. That's official.

I'll pay off every legal bet.

It's unusual weather. I demand a re-jump

under more auspicious conditions.

Steve.

I don't know how you got a full

pound of buckshot into Daniel.

But it was very wrong.

Yeah, but we sure won, didn't we.

What's that? Ain't you happy?

I didn't think so much of our frog,

Steve. He looked kind-of puny to me.

So I bet everything we had on the Champ.

Right.

- Daniel.

You mean that you?

Here, hold on. No. Come on.

You going to keep on writing forever?

Well, goodnight Sam.

See you in the morning.

Billings ..

Mind if I sign your name to this?

- What for?

Well, I want to send it to New

York and it isn't much good.

You sign my name to a lot of

silly drivel and I'll sue you.

I aim to do a little writing

myself one of these days.

Quick .. it's been discovered.

- What, the body?

No this .. look, it's worth

ten thousand dollars a ton.

Oh come on Sam, you'll never

get rich writing and reading.

And this is the richest strike

since the Comstock lode.

Now look, everybody will be there

ahead of us. We've got to hurry.

Buck just rode in with the word. All the

town is on the move. We need horses.

You round up the horses,

I'll get the rigging.

This is the chance

I've been waiting for.

Pardon me, I'm a stranger.

- That's alright mister. Who ain't?

Where can I find Mark Twain?

Better see Sam Clemens.

He knows everybody.

Come on, hurry up with that extra shoe.

- Hold your horses, fellah. Hold on.

We got to get going or

everything will be took.

I beg your pardon. Do you

know a man named Mark Twain?

I never heard of him. Try the jail.

- I did, but you see ..

I beg your pardon. Oh. Do you know ..?

Pardon me.

Hey, this looks kind of familiar.

That's the best I can do.

Sorry boys, but there's nothing left.

We got rid of everything.

You're just too late.

Tim, Tim!

Check that load up at the top shaft.

Hey mister, where can

we stake our claim?

If you boys had been here an hour ago.

I could have sold you

50 or 60 feet of the vein.

At only a thousand dollars a foot.

You mean, there ain't

any left, even at that?

No, I'm sorry.

Tim, Tim. You'll need two teams on that.

Do you remember this place, Sam?

How we located our mine because

the mule wouldn't go no further.

We owned the whole mountain.

Do you realize where you're standing?

Of course I realize where I'm standing.

I'm standing exactly in the marks

where that other jackass stood.

But I traced Mark Twain to this office.

- What's that again?

Now look, please. If you think a moment,

you must know a man named Mark Twain.

Just one more pail of water, I kept

begging you, but would you? No.

Stop it will you, Steve.

You want to drive me crazy?

So your mind is set, huh?

Out in this country, I'm

nothing but a public risk.

Well, I'm going to miss you, Sam.

You and your tall tales.

A man won't know where to go for a real

overpowering line with you out the way.

I'm through playing the fool, Steve.

The only place in the world I belong

is at the wheel of a steamboat.

And the quicker I get

back to it, the better.

I'm sorry Mr Pond, but I've

never heard the name.

Now look here, Sam.

Quick, grab some paper.

We got to get an extra on the street.

Look here, I'd like to ask you this.

Fort Sumter has been fired on.

Fort Sumter?

- By whom?

The North and the South are at w*r.

The Mississippi river is closed. The

Federal Army is marching on Virginia.

The Mississippi river is what?

Blockaded. Steamboat sunk at St Louis

trying to ram the shore batteries.

No steamboats .. no river trade ..

And maybe no country. Here.

Here, Billings. Put this in column one.

Hey, where are you going?

I'm going to push the Northern Armies in

to the sea. If I can get transportation.

Wait a minute .. what's your name?

Sam Clemens .. River-Pilot.

Oh .. well there must be

a Mark Twain somewhere.

Joe.

Put this Mark Twain frog story on

the front page of the w*r News.

On the front page, boss?

If the country ever needed one

flicker of a smile, it needs it now.

'And he held Daniel upside down'.

'And that frog belched up a

double handful of birdshot'.

One man has kept laughter alive.

And I can't find him.

Say .. if you mean the fellah

that wrote The Jumping Frog ..

His name is 'Sam Clemens'.

He used to be pilot of

the 'Queen of Dixie'.

You'll likely find him

somewhere along the river.

Pretty run down, isn't she.

Oh, I don't know.

She looks proper good

there on the boiler deck.

I'd give something to find

the pilot of that steamboat.

I'd give something to find a steamboat.

Several years ago, I went to California

looking for the pilot of that boat.

Could have made him a fortune too, if

I'd known his name was not 'Mark Twain'.

Isn't that a pretty slim clue?

Must be dozens of people

not named 'Mark Twain'.

His name was Sam Clemens.

He used to pilot this very boat.

Say .. aren't you ..?

Yes, I remember.

I met you in the office

of The Enterprise.

You're 'Sam Clemens'.

You wrote 'The Jumping Frog'.

Really, this is magnificent.

I'll have you lecturing in

New York within two weeks.

Oh no you don't.

- I'll make you famous .. successful.

Not me. I tried making a speech once.

- Think of the opportunity.

Oh no .. I'm not going to

make you any speeches.

Something must have happened.

That's a sure thing.

We can't wait any longer, Sam.

The senator has missed his train.

Look, Pond.

Somebody's got to introduce me. Not a

soul in the audience knows me from Adam.

You need no introduction.

The people come to hear the man

who wrote The Jumping Frog.

Nobody remembers that.

Pond, I'm sorry I let you

holler me into this.

I'm just not cut out for it, that's all.

I wish to heaven I never had

any relations with that frog.

Just relax, you'll be alright. Go on.

- Don't push me out there ..

I tell you, I'd commit suicide

this minute if I had the pluck.

And the outfit.

Ladies and gentlemen.

I know that man.

His name is Sam Clemens.

It is my distinguished pleasure ..

To introduce your

principal speaker tonight.

Mark Twain is too well

known to require a ..

Formal introduction at my hands.

So I'm out here to ..

Do a useless thing.

And that's right in my line.

Halley's comet ..

Halley's Comet comes back

to this earth every 75 years.

Which is wonderful.

Science ..

Cannot explain why it wants to

come back, after a good look at us.

Mark Twain.

Mark Twain rode into this

world on the tail of that comet.

And after tonight a great many people

are going to be disappointed ..

If it don't come right back

and take him away again.

I give you .. 'Mark Twain'.

I give you .. 'Mark Twain'.

I thank the previous speaker.

I have seldom in my lifetime listened to

compliments so felicitously phrased ..

Or so well deserved.

When I think of what the newspapers

are going to do to me tomorrow.

I wish I could count on

as good an epitaph as ..

We gave an old colored woman I knew,

who fell on a hot stove and was roasted.

After a great deal of thought.

We just put on her tombstone ..

On one of my recent

southernmost trips ..

I overheard Satan himself

complaining to a newcomer.

He said 'the trouble with

you New York people is ..'

'You think you are the

best people down here'.

'Whereas, you are merely

the most numerous'.

I thought I'd only be able to

speak about five minutes.

And I've talked an hour and a half.

I wonder if you'd let me say one

serious thing that I feel .. very much.

I just want to say.

Men will always vary.

In nature, race, creed and desires.

There will always be the ..

The belligerent and the oppressed.

But in our country, we can and ..

Must hold fast to our ideal of democracy

because we've made it a shining reality.

Let's cherish our proud traditions

of freedom and tolerance.

Let's vow that our tolerance

will never become indifference.

And our freedom never become license.

Let's respect each other's rights.

And defend .. with the pen if

possible, or the sword if need be.

Our inalienable privilege to

be a free and .. united people.

This is indeed a very great pleasure.

Pardon me, Mr Howells.

If you wait here, I'll get Mr Twain.

He's very anxious to meet you.

- Certainly.

Will you excuse me please. William Dean

Howells is here. I just got hold of him.

Who?

Of The Atlantic Monthly, the foremost

literary critic in the country.

And he looks perfectly bland. Please

play up to him, he's terribly important.

Were all those stories true, Mr Twain?

I wanted to tell you, my aunt had the

most amusing experience with a mule.

Mark, I'm very happy to ..

- Just a moment ..

Good evening.

How did you enjoy the lecture?

- He sure has a fine sense of humor.

Excuse me .. I'm so glad to see you.

Livy, I'd like to present

Mr Clemens, or Mr 'Twain'.

My sister .. I knew you

in a second, Mr Clemens.

I'm afraid I've been talking

to your sister all evening.

Did you notice?

Why .. I ..

We hope you'll make an

appearance in Elmira.

Why, thank you. That's mighty kind.

Well ..

We'll have to hurry to catch our train.

What are we waiting for? Come on.

Mark ..

Yes, I know, I know but ..

But how does he become a house guest?

Honestly father, I don't quite know.

- This is rather preposterous you know.

Sir, I am afraid it is more

so than you realize, sir.

You see, when I met

Mr Twain on the river ..

Livy's picture caught his eye and ..

He promptly announced that

he was going to marry her.

Marry her?

He's got to get out of here.

The presumption of these

westerners is beyond endurance.

So just as he grabs for the cat ..

Miss Langdon, he slips on the icy road.

And he goes avalanching

down through the trellis.

Right in the middle

of my sister's party.

In his night shirt.

Really?

I tell you, if you ever knew Jim Wolf ..

I'm sorry to interrupt you Mr Twain.

But you barely have

time to make the 9:25.

Why Jervis ..

- I'm sorry.

Oh ..

I've got no real call to ..

I'll be happy to drive you to the depot.

Don't put yourself to the trouble.

Don't mention it.

The carriage is ready, father.

- Thank you.

Mr Twain, we'll just be able to make it.

Well.

Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

Goodbye, Mr Twain.

I just want you to know.

Whatever happens next ..

I wouldn't have missed this.

Not for all the steamboats that

ever rode the Mississippi.

Goodbye Mr Clemens.

I hope we'll see you again soon.

Step right in Mr Twain, we must hurry.

Now, how did he manage to do that?

Mr Clemens, did you hurt yourself?

What a stupid thing to have happen.

Careful Charles, careful.

- Let's take him inside.

Quick. Get the doctor.

What part of the anatomy

did you say he fell on?

I haven't faintest idea.

Well .. just to be safe, we'd better

not move him for the present.

He's certainly tame, isn't he.

- Of course he is, Livy.

You know as well as I do there are no

wild animals until man makes them so.

I sometimes wonder who is better off.

You do have a very weak opinion

of yourself, don't you.

I guess so .. I just don't

belong in your world.

Is something wrong with my world?

- No there isn't, Livy.

It's a wonderful world

because it's got you in it.

I'm an outsider.

A tr*mp pilot. A mud-cat

with the river dried up.

There's an example of our

temperamental New England weather.

That's the trouble with

you folks here in the east.

Everybody talks about the weather,

but nobody does anything about it.

I guess you knew all the

time I've been here?

Yes, I .. I did.

Now that you've found me out,

are you going to tell on me?

I always knew that sometime I'd have to

come and find you. See if you were real.

But now ..

Are you disappointed?

Now I know you, you're so much finer and

dearer than anything I'll ever dream of.

I know you can't ever marry me,

I know now that isn't possible.

But anyway, I'll always be sure the best

thing I ever did was to fall in love.

Well, I reckon I must give back a thing

that doesn't rightfully belong to me.

Why .. where on earth did you get this?

First time I saw it, I knew I'd never

seen anyone so beautiful, or so sweet.

So .. I stole it.

It's been in the bottom of

mines, and up mountains ..

Across plains, everywhere with me.

For a long time.

Why, Mark.

Pretty silly of me, I see now.

I couldn't even support you.

Your father's made that clear to

me in a hundred different ways.

And he's right.

Mark .. why did you come east?

To look for you.

That's what brought Sam Clemens here.

But Mark, answer me this.

Why did Mark Twain come east?

You've forgotten about him, haven't you?

- Yeah, I guess I have.

I'm not going to let

you forget him again.

Because I'm going to be with you.

I don't care whether we

ever have anything or not.

I just want to be with you.

You can say that in spite of your family

and everybody .. and everything?

I knew it the night of the lecture.

The first time I looked at you.

Livy, I'd split the world wide open

for you to prove you're right.

So this is yours now .. and you

can stop all this lying and stealing.

Livy, I give you my word.

I'll never tell another lie.

He must have heard me.

[ Door knocks ]

Come in.

Sit down Mr Twain.

Or Mr Clemens'.

Rhymes with 'lemons'.

Oh, I see.

I have finally heard from your friends

whom you yourself requested write to me.

I guess I felt I needed

a few words in my favor.

This clergyman, the 'Reverend

Steven Gillis' of Jackass Hill.

Says that he expects you

to fill a drunkard's grave.

Well, would you look at that.

I suppose I've lied for

that man 500 times.

Don't you think he could do as

much for me, just this once?

Clemens, what kind of people are these?

Haven't you a single real

friend in the world?

It surely doesn't seem so, does it.

I admire you for one thing, Mr Clemens.

Your cool courage makes Washington

of Valley Forge look timid.

Well, I ..

I'm told that you are a writer.

Perhaps.

Perhaps we here have a little different

conception as to what a writer is.

Emerson, Longfellow, Whittier,

Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Men born of these rocks and hills. Great

shadowy names like gods on Olympus.

We think of these as writers.

I shouldn't have thought that some comic

bits, tossed off in catchpenny papers.

Would have entitled anyone

to class himself among them.

Now Mr Langdon, I don't claim to be ..

I have talked to Livy. I have no

further hope of changing her purpose.

You think it's as bad as ..?

- Livy is a delicate, sensitive girl.

You've elected to take her away

from everything she's lived for.

Mr Langdon I swear to

you, I'd give my life ..

Father .. mother just gave me this.

Mark, look at it.

What is it? Some kind of summons?

No, it's the deed to a house in Buffalo.

Father's wedding gift to us.

Why did you have to scare me so, when

you meant to do this wonderful thing?

Livy, your happiness

means everything to me.

Mr Langdon sir, I just

want you to know if ..

You are ever up in our vicinity

you can come and stay with us.

Stay overnight if you want to,

and it won't cost you a cent.

Good evening.

Mr Twain, good evening.

It's good to see you again.

I don't know how I'd stay

in business without you.

You got a contract with an

orphanage, or something?

Oh no, I like to play with these myself.

It's for a little boy.

A tiny little boy. I know.

I can tell by the things you

always pick. How old is he?

Well in some ways, by actual

counting, he's only about a year.

But him and you are just the

same age. Isn't that right?

I can run a month on

a compliment like that.

I know .. I know.

You couldn't write like you

do if you was any different.

Mr Twain.

Mr Twain.

Could you do me the honor to write

your name in 'Innocents Abroad'?

I've read it four times.

- Good.

Good .. good.

No, it's you that's good to ask me.

Would you write your name

in 'Roughing It' too?

I read this one seven times.

By George, I'm going to

refund you my royalties.

Will you bring your little boy in

to see me? I'd like to meet him.

The very minute he gets over his cold.

- Good, good.

Oh .. how about this nice Noah's Ark?

No, no .. I'm opposed to Noah.

This world would be a lot better

off if Noah had .. missed the boat.

Here .. this is more like it.

Just what I wanted.

I'm sure he'll like this.

He doesn't see it.

He doesn't see it.

Get doctor Quintard .. quick.

Have some tea.

Is it going any better, Mark?

I can't write anything, Livy.

I don't reckon I'll ever

write anything again.

I wanted to take our little

boy to the Mississippi.

I wanted to take his hand and wade

with him in the Mississippi mud.

I can feel that mud

between my own toes yet.

I can hear the steamboat

whistles far off down the bend.

He'll never see the river now.

No Mark .. our little

son will never see it.

But Mark, you must save

those things you loved.

You must save them for whole

generations of little boys.

Of all ages.

For ever.

You mustn't let those

precious things be lost.

You're the only man who ever

lived who can do it, Mark.

Because you're the only man in the world

who still is that little barefoot boy.

Wading in the Mississippi mud.

Playing out on the raft.

Watching the steamboats.

The way you've told me so many times.

It all seems so long ago.

But you remember.

You remember it all as

nobody else ever can.

You do remember.

You've got to remember.

"Come on Huck. Hurry Jim."

"Hey, what that say?"

"What does pirates have to do?"

"Tom said .."

"Tom said?"

"Hey, that's me."

"Hey, what did I say?"

I wasn't asleep.

Just .. resting my eyes.

Have you nearly finished?

Oh Mark.

Mark .. it's so great.

So human .. so real.

Do you think anyone will ever read it?

Read it?

Why the whole world is going to read it,

in every language, in every country.

This year, next year and in a thousand

years they will still be reading it.

Do you know what you've done?

You've captured 'youth'.

You've given eternal youth to

every living mortal who can read.

Livy, if you like it,

that's all I care about.

'Youth' .. that's what you are.

I'll never be able to think

of you as anything else.

Mr Howells.

Mr Howells.

Would you sign these, please?

- Why yes, of course.

That's Mark Twain's

latest work isn't it, sir?

I think this book will cure every torpid

liver and chronic grouch in America.

May I read it later, sir? I've

read everything he's written.

You have?

Well, nearly everyone I know

has read 'Roughing It' sir.

And 'Tom Sawyer '. That was a great one.

All Mark Twain's books

have been great, Hardy.

I'll tell you how I know.

I try to read a book solely

from the standpoint of a critic.

In spite of it all, I read Twain's books

from the standpoint of a human being.

The public must agree with you, sir.

Subscriptions jump enormously every time

Mark Twain's name appears on the cover.

That reminds me.

I want to send him an invitation.

Is he at Quarry Farm or at Hartford?

- Hartford, sir.

Good .. take a letter.

'My dear Mark Twain ..'

It beats me.

It beats me.

How can they want me to speak?

At Whittier's birthday of all places.

Oh Mark, I knew this would come.

And William Dean Howells,

of all people to ask you.

Remember the night you swept

by him after your first lecture?

Do I remember ..?

What are you looking for?

- Collar buttons.

It's in your shirt.

- Oh yeah.

They're having people with names that

we used to start meals with in Missouri.

Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Henry Waldo Longfellow.

John Greenleaf Whittier.

Oliver 'Waldo' Holmes.

Do you think I'd better speak

as Mark 'Waldo' Twain?

Don't tell me you're going to wear that?

- I threw my neck-tie out the window.

Oh Mark, when will you stop doing

those things? I'll find you another one.

Do you suppose they've actually read

my things? Ah, they couldn't have.

It's just like unloading an ordinary

mud-cat on a parcel of gods.

Now, it isn't that at all.

It's just that everything we've

worked and waited and hoped for.

Is suddenly all coming true.

I .. I can't wait to write to father.

I hooked the tie alright.

Now she's fouled.

I'm William Dean Howells.

Well, come on in if you feel alright.

Rest yourself, sir.

I suppose I'm the happiest

person in the world tonight.

For you to be recognized and appreciated

by people who know what's fine.

Livy, if one literary gentleman hollers

'snag' I'll probably jump overboard.

Come in.

Excuse me .. there is a Mr Howells.

He is standing quiet .. now.

He's standing by the umbrella stand.

- I had better go down.

Do give them your best tonight. Mark.

I'll bust a boiler for them Livy.

Don't forget, I stay in town overnight.

- I know, dear.

That Mr Howells wants

you to fetch it and hurry.

I'll be there.

I don't know which one of these shoes ..

Oh. Oh hello Pond.

Hey Pond, have you got

a pair of suspenders?

Suspenders? Sure.

Well let me have them, will you.

Come on up the trellis.

Here, here. Let me give you a hand.

There hasn't been such a battle

between me and my equipment ..

Since the Grand Turk

blew up in midstream.

Is Howells here yet?

- Yes, he's downstairs.

You know, Mark.

This is the most important event

since I met you on the levy.

After tonight, you'll have those

bigwigs right in your pocket.

I tell you one thing, Pond.

I'll foist the bigwigs with a doggone

surprise they ever had in their lives.

It just come to me while I

was dismissing that shirt.

Yes sir, I hope those fellows

have a sense of humor.

And so, I give you .. Mark Twain.

Mr Toastmaster.

Mr Whittier.

Gentlemen.

Standing here on the

shore of the Atlantic ..

And contemplating certain

of its literary billows.

I'm reminded of a thing that

happened to me once.

When I had just succeeded

in stirring up a little ..

Western literary puddle myself.

I'm sure you're going to enjoy

Mark Twain, Mr Whittier.

Yes.

I started an inspection tr*mp

through the mines of California.

I was callow and conceited.

And resolved to try the

virtue of my pen-name.

I very soon had an opportunity.

I knocked at a miner's lonely

cabin in the Sierra Snows.

A melancholy, bare-footed

man opened the door.

And when I told him I was Mark Twain ..

He looked more dejected than before.

He let me in pretty

reluctantly, I thought.

Then he said, in the voice of

one who is secretly suffering ..

'You're the 4th literary man who's been

here in 48 hours. I'm going to move'.

Oh, you don't tell me, said I.

Who were the others?

He said ..

'Mr Longfellow, Mr Emerson,

Mr Oliver Wendell Holmes'.

Consound such a rough bunch.

You can easily believe I was interested.

I supplicated.

Three hot whiskeys did the rest.

Finally, the melancholy miner began.

Says he ..

'Mr Holmes was as fat as a balloon.

He weighed as much as three hundred'.

'Mr Emerson was a seedy little

bit of a chaff, red-headed'.

'Mr Longfellow was built

like a prize-fighter'.

"His head was cropped and bristly

like a wig made of hairbrushes."

'And they'd been drinking.

I could see that'.

'However ..'

'However, I start to get out

my bacon and beans'.

'Mr Holmes gets his eye on a jug'.

Says he:

'Flush out a stream of blood-red wine

for I would drink to other days'.

So, by George. I was

getting kind-of worked up.

Did you sponsor this?

- It never occurred to me.

So now Mr Emerson.

He points to me and he says:

'Is yonder squalid peasant all that

this proud nursery could breed'?

He was a whetting of his Bowie knife on

his boot at the time so I let that pass.

I stopped the miner ..

And said:

Why, these were not the gracious singers

to whom the world pays loving reverence.

These were imposters.

The miner investigated me

for a while and then said ..

'Ah, imposters were they? Are you'?

I did not pursue the subject.

"Emerson, Longfellow, Whittier,

Oliver Wendell Holmes."

"We think of these as writers."

Mr Chairman, in my enthusiasm I may

have exaggerated the details a little.

But I .. hope you'll forgive me.

Since I believe this is the

first time I have ever ..

Deflected from perpendicular fact.

On an occasion like this.

Livy .. please.

Please.

I ought to be shot.

I guess almost anybody would be

glad to furnish the powder and lead.

I don't see how any one man

can be so many kinds of a fool.

Mark.

Livy.

What on earth ever persuaded you

to marry such an insufferable idiot?

Mark .. I'm only crying because ..

Because I've been

reading your new story.

Your 'Huckleberry Finn'.

It's the greatest thing

you've ever done.

It's greater than Tom Sawyer.

Don't you know?

Haven't you heard?

You must tell me what's coming

next in this wonderful story.

And tell me by writing

it .. so it won't be lost.

Finishing this is more important than

anything else could be in the world.

Believe me .. believe me Mark.

This is what matters.

It hardly seems possible

that I could ever ..

But if this is half as good

as Livy seems to think ..

I'm sorry, Mark.

I hurried over to borrow the papers.

But Livy must have cut out the reports,

hoping you wouldn't see them.

Don't let it beat you, Mark.

That girl believed in me.

When not one voice, not one

word, was raised on my behalf.

I promised my immortal soul

that I'd prove she was right.

I didn't know then that I'd have to

change myself, clear down to the roots.

The way I think, the way I breathe.

The very words I know.

But I can do that too.

I'll start again .. I'll change

the name I write with.

'Mark Twain'?

The Mississippi river did this to Livy.

The mud of the Mississippi

is in my blood.

Well Pond, I'm going to get it out.

I'm going to get it out

if it's the last thing do.

Mark, why won't you tell

me where we're going?

Because I want to astound you.

You'll see in a few minutes.

Can't you even say ..

- All I can say is ..

You're going to see a thing that's going

to revolutionize the civilized world.

Is that all?

- It will change our lives too.

Change our lives?

- I have plans, Livy.

Plans for getting myself out of the mud.

It's a plunge, I know that.

Before we're through, we may have

to pitch in every cent we've got.

But what an opportunity.

Livy, this is the best thing to happen

to me since Joe Twitchell married us.

Isn't it wonderful, Livy? Nothing like

it has been seen in the world before.

When I was a boy, I never

dreamed it was possible.

What is it?

It's a Typesetter. It sets type all by

itself when you press these keys.

I know it looks ridiculous now Livy,

but the principle is amazing.

It picks up the type here, and it sets

it altogether in the proper place here.

Think, Livy.

A machine setting hundreds of words

a minute. Thousands of pages a day.

That's right Mrs Clemens.

Of course this machine is just

to give you a crude idea.

Just the principle of the

thing .. I'll show you.

First, you wind the

helical spring .. then ..

You release these.

Then the line's catch.

Engage the clutch .. then you sit

down and play it like an organ.

See.

What did I tell you?

It needs a little adjustment.

Ouch .. it's .. it's uncanny.

Can you see it, Livy?

Mark, is this what we're

putting all our money into?

Why, I don't mean this

thing the way it is now.

I'm seeing a great, smooth-running

engine the way it's going to be someday.

It will reduce the cost

of printing fifty percent.

If we can only get it perfected in time

to start our publishing house with this.

What publishing house?

- Livy ..

Huck Finn is the last funny book

I'm ever going to write .. I hope.

Its royalties will have

to last us a long time.

So .. I'm going to publish it myself.

Mark, have you gone out of your mind?

I got fifty ideas for making

publishing into a real thing.

A whole new kind of publishing.

But no writer has ever before done it.

- Yes, nobody. But we'll do it now.

We'll sell a hundred thousand

copies, a million copies.

Cover the whole country.

Own our own paper mill.

Then my hands will be free to write

something serious .. and good.

But Mark, everybody reads

your stories and loves them.

But it isn't good enough, Livy.

There's people in the world whose proper

company is with the stars of Heaven.

You are one of them.

I mean to get the stars for you, Livy.

You know .. a little change here.

A little change there.

And $5,000 more, and we'll perfect it.

Fine .. fine. I'll give you a check.

"I tell you, we'll astound the

world with that typesetter."

"Yes, sir. This is certainly

the age of progress."

"Why, it beats me how anybody can

keep from getting rich in this country."

"Telegraph lines race out and

tie the hemisphere together."

"Railroads done roll across

thousands of miles."

"The whole nation is .. coming of age."

"Great new leaders rise up."

"A Missouri tanner who fought

the battle of the wilderness .."

"Leads his country in new

victories and peace."

The typesetter has developed too, Mark.

$10,000 more will perfect it.

"Our publishing house is growing, Mark.

Its grosses run into tens of thousands."

"Yeah, but why don't

we make some profits?"

"Another funny book, Mark.

You must have money."

"Another, and then another. One more

funny book, for the publishing house."

One more for the typesetter.

"Whole cities spring up.

Great industries are born."

"My part is to think up a giggle."

"Another book, another."

"$5,000 more will perfect it."

"The publishing house

needs money, Mark."

"Another book, another. Perfect it."

"$5,000, $10,000. Money, money, money."

"Money, money, money.

Is there any end to this?"

"Can't I ever free my hands

for one year, for one week?"

"To do the single, fine,

serious work I owe to Livy?"

"One more funny book, one more. For the

typesetter, for the publishing house."

"More, Mark. More. For the typesetter.

The typesetter, the typesetter."

$10,000 more Mr Twain.

Can't I even get five minutes to swim?

"While I scribble and

scribble year after year."

"I tell you, the world is

getting away from me."

"Would you stop now after ten years of

struggle and lose all you've invested?"

Yes.

I've gotten into the worst

mess ever seen.

You're the best financier

in New York, Rogers.

All you got to do is get me out.

Well, when you asked me to

straighten out your affairs, Mark.

I had no idea they were so involved.

- I want to get shot of everything.

The typesetter, the publishing house.

I'm glad to hear you say that, Mark.

I believe I can get you out of this

now .. and still avoid bankruptcy.

Good. Good.

And just as soon as I publish this last

book, we close the whole shebang.

Mark, if you invest one more cent

in anything, I can't get you out.

This is the memoirs of Ulysses

S. Grant. This is living history.

I'm sorry Mark, but if you're going to

get yourself out, with a whole skin ..

You've got to stop now. You can't

publish this or any other book.

This book?

Well, alright.

I'll see Grant and explain.

I guess he'll understand.

Oh Mr Twain.

- Is the General in?

Yes, sir. He's in the study.

Mr Twain .. come in, come in.

This is an honor.

- General.

I regret that illness

prevents me from rising.

Pull up a chair .. sit down my friend.

Thank you.

I regret also that circumstances prevent

me from greeting you with more ..

Pomp and ceremony.

Sit down.

- Oh General, I ..

I had no idea.

You hadn't, Mr Twain.

But then, times are moving.

Humanity is busy with its own affairs.

I believe you once said yourself ..

'Poverty is no disgrace,

but is a damnable inconvenience'.

I presume you've come

to talk about my book?

Oh yes .. yes, I ..

I've come .. about the book.

I was delighted to have

received your letters.

And to know that you thought

so highly of my work.

General .. you've had offers

from other publishers.

Yes, yes. Can't you see them?

This is ridiculous.

This is outrageous.

At every point they've sensed the fair

thing to do and scrupulously avoided it.

Only ten percent royalty?

General, if you ever permit yourself

to sign such a contract as this, well ..

Isn't that all I have a right to expect?

A 'right to expect'?

General Grant.

Who has a right to expect more than you?

In his own times perhaps,

General, no man is truly great.

But believe me, sir.

Millions of children yet unborn.

Will know and realize your greatness.

Mr Twain.

That's the sincerest tribute that

has ever been paid to any man.

Mark, you are insane.

I warn you, this will bring

about your absolute ruin.

I saw Grant ride in to Washington

at the head of 50,000 men.

Lean, strong, victorious.

He rode straight into the White House

then .. and I saw him yesterday.

It was unbelievable. He sat there

broken, sick, old .. literally dying.

But still courageous.

- Well, we'll put on a campaign.

That's exactly what we can't do.

But Mark, there are other publishers.

- I've seen their offers.

They're taking a miserable advantage

of his poverty and humiliation.

A cash advance, and seventy

percent of the gross?

Have you committed

yourself to these terms?

There are things here bigger than you

or me, Rogers. For General Grant, even.

When we turn our backs on men like that.

We're changing ourselves into something

cowardly, and weak and mean.

It takes all the dignity

out of humanity.

It leaves us nothing but

shame for what we are.

But all that isn't on

your shoulders, Mark.

You know I could publish

this manuscript of his.

And overnight his sad,

broken, beggary would end.

Do you honestly think that Grant's book

would prove such a tremendous success?

I'm not interested in making one

penny on the rescue of General Grant.

Then that settles it.

I tell you again Mark, if you do this

one thing more, I can never get you out.

You'll be writing for the rest of

your life, just to pay off your debts.

With bankruptcy staring you in the face.

- It might be worth it.

Mark.

General Grant would be the last person

to permit a risk to anyone but himself.

I beg of you. Please consider

it carefully and calmly.

Katie .. Katie Leary.

Where in blazes are

my pipe-cleaners now?

What kind of ornery dunderhead trifling

do I have to put up with around here?

Katie Leary, you wild Irish Fenian.

What do you mean by this?

How many thousand times have I told ..

- Why you be hollering your top off?

Let me tell you something, Katie Leary.

There's nothing lower on this

earth than a pipe-cleaner stealer.

Shame to you. With the little

ones so close to, and in bed.

So upset they'll be with your hollering

that they won't get a wink of sleep.

That pipe-cleaner was worth

upwards of 5,000 dollars.

If you'd stop your infernal

raids on my desk ..

And quit making an

everlasting wreck of this stuff.

Things wouldn't be so calamitous

around here. Now, watch this.

There .. you see that line?

If you ever dare set foot

across that line again ..

You'll instantly die

seven different deaths.

All of them new.

You get it?

There is your pipe-cleaner.

Foul plague that it be.

Who put it there?

The idea of a grown man

behaving like you do.

He's worse than a lot of children.

Mark, I know it's a terribly

hard decision to make.

But you shouldn't take it out on Katie.

I'm not angry at Katie.

She's just excitable.

I wish I could help you.

But whatever you decide to

do about General Grant ..

I know will be right.

I'm not at all sure I want to be right.

When I think of the disagreeable folk

I know who've gone to a better world.

I'm moved to lead the worst life I can.

Come on Papa.

- Papa.

We're waiting for

you to tell us a story.

Jean .. Suzy.

- I'm coming.

I'll put them to bed.

- I can still do that, can't I?

If it were anyone in the

world but .. General Grant.

Come on, darlings.

Where are we going?

- I'll show you.

Who was General Grant, Papa?

- Was he a Mississippi pilot?

Well he's ..

He's more like a woolly bear.

Come on Clara. Papa is

going to tell us a story.

About a woolly bear?

- Yes, dear.

Once .. there was a woolly bear.

And he lived in a wonderful woods.

Full of lollipop bushes and

all kinds of little animals.

And one day the woods caught fire.

And what did the bear do?

Well, he saw all the other

little animals running away.

So he started to run too.

But he looked around and suddenly he

turned and he ran right at the fire.

Youth.

If you're trying to give those

babies nightmares again ..

It's alright Mama.

We never believe Papa's stories.

Go on, Papa.

Well, he ran right straight into the

fire, and he began to spank it.

And he just flew around that woods

battering that old fire right to pieces.

What happened?

He saved the whole thing.

Did you see him, Papa?

Oh yes. Yes, I saw him.

And then after a while it was

winter, all cold and snow.

And in all the woods, there wasn't

one warm home for that old woolly bear.

So he went away because woolly bears

don't know how to beg from anyone.

And he walked far off, very

slowly, on his old hurt paws.

And he laid down in the snow.

All alone .. a dying old bear.

Nobody remembering or

caring about him anymore.

Poor old woolly bear. Did he die, Papa?

Not yet darling .. and we can't let him.

"Mark, you're insane. I warn you, this

will bring about your absolute ruin."

"I saw Grant ride in to Washington

at the head of 50,000 men."

"But all that isn't on

your shoulders, Mark."

"But there are other publishers."

"If we turn our backs on men like that."

"We change ourselves into something

cowardly and weak and mean."

"It takes all the dignity

out of humanity."

"It leaves us nothing but

shame for what we are."

"Millions of children yet unborn, will

know and realize your greatness."

"That's the sincerest tribute that

has ever been paid to any man."

"I tell you again Mark, if you do this

one thing more I can never get you out."

"You'll be writing for the rest of your

life, just to pay off your debts."

"With bankruptcy

staring you in the face."

Mark, it's impossible

for me to conceive ..

How a man of your superb ability has

ended up in such a hopeless position.

Maybe it's because I've a greater genius

for getting myself into the worse fixes.

Than any man that ever lived.

You made a fortune for General Grant's

widow. What did you get out of it?

Satisfaction.

Mrs Grant ..

And hundreds of your friends throughout

the country offer their assistance.

Why won't you let us help you?

Once, down on the Mississippi

there was a big flood.

And old Darkie, standing on the shore

saw a cat floating by on a chicken coop.

And that cat was a friend of his.

So he got himself a pole,

and tried to pull it ashore.

Do you know what happened to the Darkie?

- What?

He fell in himself.

After a while, that cat

just .. jumped ashore.

Mark, do you think you can ever

jump ashore from this chicken-coop?

Gentlemen .. I've just come

from the creditors meeting.

Yes?

- We reached an agreement.

I convinced them they couldn't expect

more than fifty cents on the dollar.

Fifty cents on the dollar?

I won't accept it.

I'm warning you.

Go back and tell them I won't accept it.

Go back and say it's not good enough.

I'll pay them every penny I owe.

That's you'd like Mark, but do you know

your debt is a quarter million dollars?

Why, it's utterly impossible.

Gentlemen, once when I wanted a frog ..

I went right out where the

frogs were, and I got one.

A lot of foolish people in the world are

willing to pay money to hear me speak.

So I'm going on a lecture tour.

First, across the United

States to the west coast.

Then across the Pacific to Hawaii.

Australia, New Zealand,

China, India, Africa.

I'll speak in every principal

city in this infernal globe.

I'll talk around the world,

as long as anybody will listen.

Around the world? Mark, do you realize

what a plan like this means at your age?

Night after night, month after

month, travelling, talking.

Why, it's beyond anyone's

physical endurance.

You know of an easier way to

earn a quarter of a million dollars?

But Africa?

Well, I guess I can

stand it if Africa can.

What's the matter, don't you

think I'd be funny in Hottentot?

Why the common flea has

been to all these places.

You want me beaten out by a flea?

I'll talk wherever six people will

gather together at a crossroads.

Then I'm going to flabbergast

those creditors.

Heavens. If you can do this Mark, you'll

be the most famous man in the world.

And me the richest.

Can't we fix it to make you the

most famous and .. me the richest?

There's Mark Twain.

Hi Mark, you got Huck Finn with you?

- Good luck Mark.

Hey Mark, you're the Prince.

And I'm the pauper.

I'll be carrying this one.

- Yes sir.

Thank you. Now what are

you all sniffling about?

Can't a man go away once in his

life without being cried over?

You're crying yourself, Papa.

- I am not.

Papa, please take care of yourself.

Now look here, Clara. Am I raising

a daughter, or are you raising me?

Why I'm raising you. Somebody has to.

Well, don't worry about me.

I came into the world

with Halley's comet.

And I'm staying here until

it comes back for me.

That won't be for a long time, I hope.

All aboard.

Mark, I want to go with you.

- Now. Don't start that again, Livy.

It's only because you'll be here

with the girls that I can go.

Mark. Come on.

- Alright, alright.

Oh, Youth. I want so to go with you.

Now Livy, it will do you good being shot

of me for a while after all these years.

Don't forget, you're coming over just

as soon as the girls are off to school.

All aboard.

- Goodbye Jean.

Goodbye Papa.

- Suzy.

Goodbye Papa.

- Clara.

Please .. please take care of yourself.

All aboard.

Take care of yourself.

That's more important.

Goodbye, Papa.

- Goodbye.

Goodbye Papa.

- Goodbye Papa.

Goodbye, Youth .. goodbye.

Mother, you were wonderful.

Papa didn't have the least

idea you weren't feeling well.

You know, there has been a great to-do

over Adam as the inventor of sin.

Why, it was nothing at all.

I could have done it myself.

Ladies and gentlemen.

In the United States.

We refer to Australia as

the other side of the world.

But I must say, now that I'm here.

It feels just as right-side-up

as the other side.

I have a cable here from Rogers.

- Oh.

'Mark .. you have a long way to go'.

Mark Twain .. ha-ha.

In my travels around the world.

I have been impressed by

one fact more than any other.

The universal brotherhood of man.

He is our most precious possession.

What there is of it.

The trouble with the human race is ..

The human race.

Concerning the difference

between man and the jackass.

Some observers hold

that there isn't any.

But this .. wrongs the jackass.

In fact .. speaking of animals.

I have often thought .. that God ..

Probably created the monkey.

Because he was disappointed in Man.

I say, I have a cablegram from America.

It says: 'Mark Twain is dead'.

Oh I say, this is rotten luck.

- What's the matter young man?

It's rather awkward, sir. You see

Mr Twain, I get paid by the word.

And they don't want an

item unless you're dead.

And I had counted on at least 500 words.

Well, I tell you what you do.

You cable them 1,000 words saying ..

Oh .. just say the report of my death ..

Has been greatly exaggerated.

Greatly exaggerated.

Well, it is isn't it?

Oh yes. Of course.

Ladies and gentlemen.

William Shakespeare .. probably

the greatest man of English letters.

Is dead.

John Keats .. one of our finest poets.

Is dead.

And I feel .. far from well myself.

Sometimes, I don't see how I can

cook up one more silly remark.

I am thought-dry.

And I've still got to disillusion Paris

and Brussels, Amsterdam and Munich.

Mark, what would be the

best news I could give you?

That I'd never have to face another

audience as long as I live.

Well, two more lectures

and you won't have to.

You'll have paid every cent you owe.

I won't have to be comical in Dutch?

- No.

And I can join Livy in Florence?

I'm glad I had her wait for me there.

She never could have stood it.

Mark .. you've done it.

- Of course I've done it.

Pond, always .. for every moment.

I have held the unwavering

belief that this thing was ..

Utterly impossible ..

Good day, a letter from London.

- Grazie.

Mrs Clemens .. it is a letter from

Mr Clemens .. from London.

Oh, he's coming.

I know he's coming very soon.

'And now I want to do nothing in this

lopsided world but see you in Florence'.

'No boat is fast enough nor train

speedy enough to bring me to you'.

'Goodnight, dear heart'.

'Sweet dreams .. Mark'.

You take this now.

It will make you rest.

It seemed impossible.

But he had so much courage.

We will go in now.

You will sleep a little maybe, huh?

I thought maybe she'd

see it when she woke.

Maybe make her smile.

She'll love it.

You know Mark, I think ..

- Shush.

Mark.

Mark.

- Yes, dear?

Mark .. come quickly.

Livy .. what? Are you alright?

Livy, what's happened?

Why, you look like you've seen an angel.

Mark .. what would it take to make you

think you are a pretty good writer?

Well, I did kind of set out to be.

Only the paper gave out.

You see .. I've known

it for a long time.

I've known it all our life together.

Livy, dearest.

You make me feel I can

count on one vote.

Even if I ran on a Republican ticket.

Of course, the people always knew it.

They loved you from the very first.

You know, that's like our babies. Always

liked me best when I stood on my head.

You struggled so hard

to be something else.

To get away from the

wonderful thing you are.

But darling, that very

struggle you made ..

Wrote your name in

the everlasting stars.

This is from Oxford University, Mark.

They've sent for you.

You are to be given the

same honorary degree ..

As was given Wordsworth and

Macaulay, and Robert Browning.

The name 'Mark Twain' is with them now.

There isn't any higher honor, Mark.

Livy .. do you really think that ..?

With all my heart.

And now dear .. promise me one thing.

You must go to Oxford.

Even if I can't be there.

And stand where those

other greats have stood.

For me.

Yes, I promise, Livy.

I don't think any woman

has ever been as happy.

As I am tonight.

Now Mark, will you sing

to me for a little while?

While I go to sleep.

"Swing low sweet chariot."

"Coming for to carry me home."

"Swing low sweet chariot."

"Coming for to carry me home."

"I looked over Jordan,

and what did I see?"

"Coming for to carry me home."

"A band of angels, coming after me."

"Coming for to carry me home."

"Swing low sweet chariot."

"Coming for to carry .."

You can stop now Mark .. I think.

It's so beautiful, I ..

I can't believe she doesn't see it.

I can't go back to America right away.

There's something I promised her to do.

I'll see that everything

is taken care of, Mark.

I want you to have this carved on the

stone for her resting place in Elmira.

I couldn't .. write anything myself.

"Warm summer sun .. shine kindly here."

"Warm Southern wind."

"Blow softly here."

"Green sod above."

"Lie light .. lie light."

"Goodnight, dear heart."

"Goodnight .. goodnight."

Bravo, Connecticut Yankee.

I say, did you bring your

chopping fork with you?

This is much better than

'Roughing It' isn't it?

I say, how's Huckleberry Finn?

And so Rudyard Kipling, I confer on

you the degree: 'Doctoris Literarum'.

Samuel Langhorne Clemens.

Mark Twain.

Most amiable and charming Sir.

You shake the sides of the whole

world with your merriment.

In the heart of the American continent,

a great river, the glorious Mississippi.

Gave its lifeblood to a young

nation throughout its early days.

The part played by that river in

world history .. is now done.

But.

Through the writings of this single man.

The river flows on.

A part of our own lives .. forever.

And yet he has done more than

bring a river to our hearts.

Through humble, human scenes.

Through glimpses of bare-footed

men and bewildered boys.

He has preserved to us our finest record

of a great nation as it came of age.

A record that stands.

Imperishable and irreplaceable.

Like the pyramids of Egypt.

Immortalizing a stirring age.

He has given us even more.

He has made it impossible

for any man ever again.

To mistrust the soil in which

his own life found root.

Or to doubt that he himself may

draw from it all greatness.

Wherever that soil may be.

He has taught us that it is through

the laughter and tears ..

Of humble folk.

That a nation's story

may be most truly told.

All this we, the people of England,

nay, the peoples of all nations.

Owe to Mark Twain.

You know Quintard, it beats me.

I suppose Man is the only living animal

who never knows where he's at.

You take the cat that

sat on a hot stove lid.

She didn't have any

perspective or time to think.

But she knew instinctively

that cat, what she had done.

She got off at once.

I have to run now, Mark.

Well, can't you sit and

smoke just one Manila?

No.

This is better than I usually offer you.

And neither can you.

I'll look at the reports now, Clara.

- They're in the study, Doctor.

You don't need to do that now, father.

Just force-of-habit I suppose.

Where's my cat?

Well, she's busy.

She'll explain to you later.

Seems only a few minutes ago

that the cat was a kitten.

Now she's fifteen cats.

Twenty cats .. that's

what she's busy with.

Sometimes I feel like a stalk of corn.

Left standing all alone .. in a field.

Nobody left for me to ..

Play with anymore ..

Doctor Quintard.

Doctor Quintard!

"Sam .. Sam .. here we are."

"Come on .. come on."

Oh my darling, if you could only know.

What you look upon as my death,

has been greatly exaggerated.

"Sam .. Sam .. come on .. come on .."

..t-g..