Princess Bride, The (1987)

[bunniefuu]

Hi, honey.

Hi, Mom.

You feeling any better?

A little bit.

Guess what.

What?

Grandfather's here.

Mom, can't you tell him

that I'm sick?

You're sick.

That's why he's here.

He'll pinch my cheek.

I hate that.

Maybe he won't.

How's the sickie?

I'll leave you two pals alone.

I brought you a special present.

- What is it?

- Open it up.

- A book?

- That's right.

When I was your age,

television was called books.

This is a special book.

It was the book my father used

to read to me when I was sick...

and I used to read it

to your father.

Today I'm going to read it

to you.

Does it got any sports in it?

Are you kidding?

Fencing, fighting,

t*rture, revenge...

giants, monsters, chases...

escapes, true love, miracles.

That doesn't sound too bad.

I'll try and stay awake.

Thank you very much.

That's very nice of you.

Your vote of confidence

is overwhelming.

All right.

"The Princess Bride...

"by S. Morgenstern.

"Chapter One.

"Buttercup was raised

on a small farm...

"in the country of Florin.

"Her favorite pastimes

were riding her horse...

"and tormenting the farm boy

that worked there.

"His name was Westley,

but she never called him that."

Isn't that

a wonderful beginning?

Yeah, it's really good.

"Nothing gave Buttercup

as much pleasure...

as ordering Westley around."

Farm boy,

polish my horse's saddle.

I want to see my face

shining in it by morning.

As you wish.

"As you wish"

was all he ever said to her.

Farm boy, fill these with water.

Please.

As you wish.

That day she was amazed

to discover...

that when he was saying,

"As you wish"...

what he meant was,

"I love you."

Even more amazing

was the day she realized...

she truly loved him back.

Farm boy.

Fetch me that pitcher.

As you wish.

Hold it, hold it.

What is this?

Are you trying to trick me?

And where's the sports?

Is this a kissing book?

Wait. Just wait.

When does it get good?

Keep your shirt on

and let me read.

"Westley had no money

for marriage...

"so he packed his few belongings

and left the farm...

"to seek his fortune

across the sea."

It was a very emotional time

for Buttercup.

I don't believe this!

I fear I'll never see you again.

Of course you will.

What if something

happens to you?

Hear this now...

I will always come for you.

But how can you be sure?

This is true love.

Do you think this happens

every day?

Westley didn't reach

his destination.

His ship was attacked

by the Dread Pirate Roberts...

who never left captives alive.

When Buttercup got the news

that Westley was m*rder*d...

m*rder*d by pirates is good!

She went into her room

and shut the door...

and for days

she neither slept nor ate.

I will never love again.

Five years later, the main

square of Florin City...

was filled as never before

to hear the announcement...

of the great Prince

Humperdinck's bride-to-be.

My people...

a month from now...

our country

will have its 500th anniversary.

On that sundown,

I shall marry a lady...

who was once a commoner

like yourselves...

but perhaps you will not

find her common now.

Would you like to meet her?

My people,

the princess Buttercup!

Buttercup's emptiness

consumed her.

Although the law of the land

gave Humperdinck...

the right to choose his bride...

she did not love him.

Despite Humperdinck's

reassurance...

that she would grow

to love him...

the only joy she found

was in her daily ride.

A word, my lady?

We are but poor,

lost circus performers.

Is there a village nearby?

There is nothing nearby,

not for miles.

Then there will be no one

to hear you scream.

What is that you're ripping?

It's fabric from the uniform

of an army officer of Guilder.

Who's Guilder?

The country across the sea,

the sworn enemy of Florin.

Go!

Once the horse

reaches the castle...

the fabric will make

the prince suspect...

that the Guilderians

have abducted his love.

When he finds her body dead

on the Guilder frontier...

his suspicions

will be totally confirmed.

You never said anything

about k*lling anyone.

I've hired you to help me

start a w*r.

It's a prestigious

line of work...

with a long

and glorious tradition.

I just don't think it's right,

k*lling an innocent girl.

Am I going mad, or did the word

"think" escape your lips?

You were not hired

for your brains...

you hippopotamic land mass!

I agree with Fezzik.

The sot has spoken!

What happens to her

is not truly your concern!

I will k*ll her!

And remember this,

never forget this...

When I found you,

you were so slobbering drunk...

you couldn't buy brandy!

And you...

friendless, brainless...

helpless, hopeless!

Do you want me to send you

back to where you were...

unemployed in Greenland?

That Vizzini, he can... fuss.

Fuss, fuss...

I think he like to scream...

at us.

Probably he means no... harm.

He's really very short on...

charm.

You have a great gift for rhyme.

Yes, yes, some of the time.

Enough of that!

Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?

If there are, we'll all be dead.

No more rhymes, now. I mean it!

Anybody want a peanut?

We'll reach the cliffs by dawn.

Why are you doing that?

Making sure

nobody's following us.

That would be inconceivable.

Despite what you think...

you will be caught,

and when you are...

the prince

will see you all hanged.

Of all the necks on this boat,

Highness...

the one you should be

worrying about is your own.

Stop doing that!

We can all relax.

It's almost over.

You are sure

nobody's following us?

As I told you, it would be

absolutely, totally...

and in all other ways

inconceivable!

No one in Guilder

knows what we've done...

and no one in Florin

could have gotten here so fast.

Out of curiosity,

why do you ask?

I happened to look behind us,

and something is there.

What?

Probably some local fisherman...

out for a pleasure cruise

at night...

through eel-infested waters.

What?

Go in! Get after her!

I don't swim.

I only dog-paddle.

Veer left!

Left!

Do you know what that sound is,

Highness?

Those are the shrieking eels.

If you don't believe me,

just wait.

They always grow louder...

when they're about to feed

on human flesh.

If you swim back now...

I promise no harm

will come to you.

I doubt you'll get such an offer

from the eels.

She doesn't get eaten

by the eels at this time.

What?

The eel doesn't get her.

I'm explaining to you

because you look nervous.

I wasn't nervous.

Maybe I was

a little bit concerned...

but that's not the same thing.

Because we can stop now

if you want.

No. You could read

a little bit more, if you want.

"Do you know

what that sound is, Highness?

"Those are the shrieking eels."

Pass that, Grandpa.

You read it already.

My goodness, I did.

I'm sorry. Beg your pardon.

All right, all right. Let's see.

She was in the water,

the eel was coming after her...

she was frightened...

the eel started to charge her,

and then...

Put her down. Just put her down!

I think he's getting closer.

He's no concern of ours.

Sail on!

I suppose you think

you're brave, don't you?

Only compared to some.

Look! He's right on top of us!

I wonder if he's using

the same wind we are using.

Whoever he is, he's too late.

See?

The Cliffs of Insanity!

Hurry up!

Move the thing!

And that other thing!

Move it!

We're safe.

Only Fezzik is strong enough

to go up our way.

He'll have to sail for hours

till he finds a harbor.

He's climbing the rope,

and he's gaining on us!

Inconceivable!

Faster!

I thought I was going faster.

You were supposed to be

this colossus...

you were

this great legendary thing...

and yet he gains!

I'm carrying three people,

and he got only himself.

I do not accept excuses.

I have to find a new giant.

Don't say that, Vizzini, please.

Did I make it clear

that your job is at stake?

He's got very good arms.

He didn't fall?

Inconceivable!

You keep using that word.

I do not think it means

what you think it means.

My God, he's climbing.

Whoever he is, he's obviously

seen us with the princess...

and must therefore die.

You carry her.

We'll head straight

for the Guilder frontier.

Catch up when he's dead.

If he falls, fine.

If not, the sword.

I'm going to duel him

left-handed.

You know what a hurry we're in.

It's the only way

I can be satisfied.

If I use my right, tsk!

Over too quickly.

Have it your way!

You be careful.

People in masks

cannot be trusted.

I'm waiting!

Hello there!

Slow going?

I don't mean to be rude, but

this is not as easy as it looks.

I'd appreciate it

if you wouldn't distract me.

- Sorry.

- Thank you.

I do not suppose

you could speed things up?

If you're in such a hurry...

you could lower a rope

or a tree branch...

or find something useful to do.

I could do that.

I got some rope up here...

but I do not think

you would accept my help...

since I am only waiting around

to k*ll you.

That does put a damper

on our relationship.

But I promise I won't k*ll you

until you reach the top.

That's very comforting, but I'm

afraid you'll just have to wait.

I hate waiting.

I could give you my word

as a Spaniard.

No good.

I've known too many Spaniards.

Any way you'll trust me?

Nothing comes to mind.

I swear on the soul

of my father, Domingo Montoya...

you will reach the top alive.

Throw me the rope.

Thank you.

Wait.

We'll wait until you're ready.

Again, thank you.

I do not mean to pry,

but you don't by any chance...

happen to have six fingers

on your right hand?

Do you always begin

conversations this way?

My father was slaughtered

by a six-fingered man.

He was a great swordmaker,

my father.

When the six-fingered man

appeared...

and request a special sword...

my father took the job.

He slaved a year

before he was done.

I've never seen its equal.

The six-fingered man

returned and demanded it...

but at 1/10 his promised price.

My father refused.

Without a word...

the six-fingered man

slashed him through the heart.

I loved my father.

So naturally, I challenged

his m*rder*r to a duel.

I failed.

The six-fingered man

leave me alive...

but he gave me this.

How old were you?

I was eleven years old.

When I was strong enough...

I dedicated my life

to the study of fencing.

So the next time we meet,

I will not fail.

I will go up to

the six-fingered man and say...

"Hello.

"My name is Inigo Montoya.

"You k*lled my father.

"Prepare to die."

You've done nothing

but study swordplay?

More pursuit than study lately.

You see, I cannot find him.

It's been twenty years now.

I'm starting to lose confidence.

I just work for Vizzini

to pay the bills.

There's not a lot of money

in revenge.

I certainly hope

you find him someday.

You're ready, then?

Whether I am or not,

you've been more than fair.

You seem a decent fellow.

I hate to k*ll you.

You seem a decent fellow.

I hate to die.

Begin.

You are using Bonetti's defense

against me?

I thought it fitting

considering the rocky terrain.

Naturally. You must expect me

to attack with Capo Ferro.

Naturally, but I find that

Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro.

Don't you?

Unless the enemy

has studied Agrippa.

Which I have.

You are wonderful!

Thank you.

I've worked hard to become so.

I admit it.

You are better than I am.

Then why are you smiling?

Because I know something

you don't know.

What is that?

I am not left-handed.

You're amazing.

I ought to be,

after twenty years.

There's something

I ought to tell you.

Tell me.

I'm not left-handed, either.

Who are you?

No one of consequence.

I must know.

Get used to disappointment.

k*ll me quickly.

I would sooner destroy

a stained-glass window...

as an artist like yourself.

However, since I can't have you

following me, either.

Please understand, I hold you

in the highest respect.

Inconceivable!

Give her to me!

Catch up with us quickly!

What do I do?

Finish him,

finish him... your way!

Good, my way.

Thank you, Vizzini.

Which way's my way?

Pick up one of those rocks,

get behind the boulder.

In a few minutes...

the man in black will come

running around the bend.

The minute his head is in view,

hit it with the rock!

My way is not

very sportsmanlike.

I did that on purpose.

I didn't have to miss.

I believe you.

So what happens now?

We face each other

as God intended.

Sportsmanlike.

No tricks, no weapons.

Skill against skill alone.

You'll put down your rock,

and I'll put down my sword...

and we'll try and k*ll each

other like civilized people?

I could k*ll you now.

Frankly, I think the odds...

are slightly in your favor

at hand-fighting.

It's not my fault being

the biggest and the strongest.

I don't even exercise.

Are you just fiddling around

with me, or what?

I want you to feel

you are doing well.

I hate for people

to die embarrassed.

You're quick!

Good thing, too!

Why are you wearing a mask?

Were you burned with acid

or something like that?

No. It's just they're

terribly comfortable.

I think everyone will be

wearing them in the future.

I just figured why you

give me so much trouble.

Why is that, do you think?

I haven't fought

just one person for so long.

I've been specializing

in groups.

Battling gangs

for local charities...

that kind of thing.

Why should that make

such a... Oof! Difference?

Well, you see...

you use different moves...

when you're fighting

half a dozen people...

than when you only...

have to be worried about one.

I do not envy you the headache

you will have when you awake.

But in the meantime, rest well

and dream of large women.

There was...

a mighty duel.

It ranged all over.

They were both masters.

Who won? How did it end?

The loser ran off alone...

while the winner... followed

those footprints toward Guilder.

Shall we track them both?

The loser is nothing.

Only the princess matters.

Clearly, this was all planned

by warriors of Guilder.

We must all be ready

for whatever lies ahead.

Could this be a trap?

I always think

everything could be a trap.

That is why I'm still alive.

So, it is down to you,

and it is down to me.

If you wish her dead...

by all means,

keep moving forward.

Let me explain.

There's nothing to explain.

You're trying to kidnap

what I've rightfully stolen.

Perhaps... an arrangement

can be reached.

There will be no arrangement,

and you're k*lling her.

If there can be no arrangement,

then we are at an impasse.

I'm afraid so.

I can't compete with you

physically...

and you're no match

for my brains.

You're that smart?

Let me put it this way...

have you ever heard of Plato,

Aristotle, Socrates?

- Yes.

- Morons.

Really?

In that case, I challenge you

to a battle of wits.

For the princess?

To the death?

I accept.

Good, then pour the wine.

Inhale this, but do not touch.

I smell nothing.

What you do not smell

is called iocane powder.

It is odorless, tasteless,

dissolves instantly in liquid...

and is among the more deadly

poisons known to man.

All right.

Where is the poison?

The battle of wits has begun.

It ends when you decide,

and we both drink...

and find out who is right...

and who is dead.

But it's so simple.

All I have to do is divine

from what I know of you...

are you the sort of man...

who would put the poison into

his own goblet or his enemy's?

A clever man

would put the poison...

into his own goblet...

because he would know

that only a great fool...

would reach

for what he was given.

I am not a great fool...

so I can clearly not choose

the wine in front of you.

But you must have known

I was not a great fool.

You would have counted on it...

so I can clearly not choose

the wine in front of me.

You've made your decision, then?

Not remotely...

because iocane comes from

Australia, as everyone knows...

and Australia is entirely

peopled with criminals...

and criminals are used to

having people not trust them...

as you are not trusted by me...

so I can clearly not choose

the wine in front of you.

Truly,

you have a dizzying intellect.

Wait till I get going!

- Where was I?

- Australia.

Yes, Australia.

You must have suspected...

I would have known

the powder's origin...

so I can clearly not choose

the wine in front of me.

You're just stalling now.

You'd like to think that,

wouldn't you?

You've beaten my giant...

which means

you're exceptionally strong...

so you could have put the poison

in your own goblet...

trusting on your strength

to save you...

so I can clearly not choose

the wine in front of you.

But you've also

bested my Spaniard...

which means

you must have studied...

and in studying, you must have

learned that man is mortal...

so you would have

put the poison...

as far from yourself

as possible...

so I can clearly not choose

the wine in front of me.

You're trying to trick me

into giving away something.

It won't work.

It has worked.

You've given everything away.

- I know where the poison is.

- Then make your choice.

I will, and I choose...

What in the world can that be?

What? Where?

I don't see anything.

I could have sworn

I saw something. No matter.

What's so funny?

I'll tell you in a minute.

First, let's drink...

me from my glass

and you from yours.

You guessed wrong.

You only think I guessed wrong.

That's what's so funny!

I switched glasses

when your back was turned!

You fool!

You fell victim

to one of the classic blunders.

The most famous is "Never get

involved in a land w*r in Asia."

But only slightly

less well known is this...

"Never go in against a Sicilian

when death is on the line!"

Who are you?

I am no one to be trifled with.

That is all you ever need know.

And to think, all that time...

it was your cup

that was poisoned.

They were both poisoned.

I spent the last few years...

building up an immunity

to iocane powder.

Someone has beaten the giant.

There will be great suffering

in Guilder if she dies.

Catch your breath.

If you'll release me...

whatever you ask for ransom,

you'll get it. I promise you.

And what is that worth...

the promise of a woman?

You're very funny, Highness.

I was giving you a chance.

It does not matter

where you take me...

there is no greater hunter

than Prince Humperdinck.

He can track a falcon

on a cloudy day.

He can find you.

You think your dearest love

will save you?

I never said

he was my dearest love.

And, yes, he will save me.

That I know.

You admit to me

you do not love your fianc?.

He knows I do not love him.

Are not capable of love

is what you mean.

I have loved more deeply...

than a k*ller like yourself

could ever dream.

That was a warning, Highness.

The next time,

my hand flies on its own.

Where I come from, there are

penalties when a woman lies.

Iocane. I'd bet my life on it...

and there are

the princess' footprints.

She is alive,

or was an hour ago.

If she is otherwise

when I find her...

I shall be very put out.

- Rest, Highness.

- I know who you are.

Your cruelty reveals everything.

You're the Dread Pirate Roberts.

Admit it.

With pride.

What can I do for you?

You can die slowly,

cut into a thousand pieces.

Hardly complimentary,

Your Highness.

Why loose your venom on me?

You k*lled my love.

It's possible.

I k*ll a lot of people.

Who was this love of yours?

Another prince like this one...

ugly, rich, and scabby?

A farm boy, poor.

Poor and perfect with eyes

like the sea after a storm.

On the high seas,

your ship attacked.

And the Dread Pirate Roberts

never takes prisoners.

I can't afford

to make exceptions.

Once word leaks out

that a pirate has gone soft...

people begin to disobey you...

and then it's nothing but work,

work, work all the time.

You mock my pain.

Life is pain, Highness.

Anyone who says differently

is selling something.

I remember this farm boy

of yours, I think.

This would be, what,

five years ago?

Does it bother you to hear?

Nothing you can say

will upset me.

He died well.

That should please you.

No bribe attempts or blubbering.

He simply said, "Please...

"please, I need to live."

It was the please

that caught my memory.

I asked him

what was so important.

"True love," he replied.

Then he spoke of a girl...

of surpassing beauty

and faithfulness.

I can only assume he meant you.

You should bless me

for destroying him...

before he found out

what you really are.

And what am I?

Faithfulness he talked of,

madam...

your enduring faithfulness.

Tell me truly. When you

found out he was gone...

did you get engaged

to your prince that same hour...

or did you wait a whole week

out of respect for the dead?

You mocked me once.

Never do it again!

I died that day!

You can die, too,

for all I care!

As... you... wish!

My sweet Westley.

What have I done?

They've disappeared.

He must've seen us closing in...

which might account

for his panicking into error.

Unless I'm wrong,

and I am never wrong...

they are headed

dead into the Fire Swamp.

Can you move at all?

Move? You're alive.

If you want, I can fly.

I told you

I would always come for you.

Why didn't you wait for me?

Well...

you were dead.

Death cannot stop true love.

All it can do is delay it

for a while.

I will never doubt again.

There will never be a need.

Oh, no. No, please.

What is it? What's the matter?

They're kissing again.

Do we have to hear

the kissing part?

Someday you may not

mind so much.

Skip on to the Fire Swamp.

That sounded good.

You're sick. I'll humor you.

So now, where were we here?

Westley and Buttercup

raced along the ravine floor.

Your pig fianc? is too late.

A few more steps, and we'll

be safe in the Fire Swamp.

We'll never survive.

Nonsense! You only say that

because no one ever has.

It's not that bad.

I'm not saying I'd like

to build a summer home here...

but the trees

are actually quite lovely.

Well, now,

that was an adventure.

Singed a bit, were you?

You?

One thing I will say...

the fire swamp certainly does

keep you on your toes.

This will all soon be

but a happy memory...

because Roberts' ship Revenge

is anchored at the far end...

and I, as you know, am Roberts.

How is that possible...

since he's been

marauding twenty years...

and you only left me

five years ago?

I myself am often surprised

at life's little quirks.

What I told you before

about saying please was true.

It intrigued Roberts...

as did my description

of your beauty.

Finally,

Roberts decided something.

He said, "All right, Westley,

I've never had a valet.

"You can try it for tonight.

"I'll most likely k*ll you

in the morning."

Three years he said that.

"Good night, Westley,

good work. Sleep well.

"I'll most likely k*ll you

in the morning."

It was a fine time for me.

I was learning to fence, fight,

anything anyone would teach me.

And Roberts and I

eventually became friends...

and then it happened.

What? Go on.

Roberts had grown so rich,

he wanted to retire...

so he took me to his cabin

and told me his secret.

"I am not the Dread Pirate

Roberts," he said.

"My name is Ryan.

"I inherited the ship

from the previous Roberts...

"just as you will inherit it

from me.

"The man I inherited it from

wasn't the real Roberts, either.

"His name was Cumberbund.

"The real Roberts has been

retired fifteen years...

"and living like a king."

Thank you.

Then he explained the name

was the important thing...

for inspiring

the necessary fear.

You see, no one would surrender

to the Dread Pirate Westley.

So we sailed ashore,

took on an entirely new crew.

And he stayed aboard

for a while as first mate...

all the time calling me Roberts.

Once the crew believed,

he left the ship...

and I have been Roberts

ever since.

Except,

now that we're together...

I shall retire and hand the name

over to someone else.

Is everything clear to you?

We'll never succeed.

We may as well die here.

No, we have already succeeded.

I mean, what are the three

terrors of the Fire Swamp?

One, the flame spurt.

No problem.

There's a popping sound

preceding each.

We can avoid that.

Two, the lightning sand.

But you were clever enough to

discover what that looks like...

so in the future,

we can avoid that, too.

Westley,

what about the R.O.U.S. S?

Rodents of Unusual Size?

I don't think they exist.

We did it.

Now, was that so terrible?

Surrender!

You mean you wish to surrender

to me?

Very well. I accept.

I give you full marks

for bravery.

Don't make yourself a fool.

But how will you capture us?

We know the secrets

of the Fire Swamp.

We can live there quite happily

for some time...

so whenever you feel like dying,

feel free to visit.

I tell you once again,

surrender!

It will not happen.

For the last time, surrender!

Death first!

Will you promise

not to hurt him?!

- What was that?

- What was that?

If we surrender

and I return with you...

will you promise

not to hurt this man?

May I live a thousand years

and never hunt again.

He is a sailor

on the pirate ship Revenge.

Promise to return him

to his ship.

I swear it will be done.

Once we're out of sight,

take him back to Florin...

and throw him

in the Pit of Despair.

I swear it will be done.

I thought you were dead once,

and it almost destroyed me.

I could not bear it

if you died again...

not when I could save you.

Come, sir.

We must get you to your ship.

We are men of action.

Lies do not become us.

Well spoken, sir.

What is it?

You have six fingers

on your right hand.

Someone was looking for you.

Where am I?

The Pit of Despair.

Don't even think...

Don't even think about

trying to escape.

The chains are far too thick.

And don't dream

of being rescued, either.

The only way in is secret.

Only the prince,

the count, and I...

know how to get in and out.

Then I'm here till I die?

Till they k*ll you, yeah.

Then why bother curing me?

The prince and count insist

on everyone being healthy...

before they're broken.

So it's to be t*rture.

I can cope with t*rture.

You don't believe me?

You survived the Fire Swamp.

You must be very brave...

but nobody

withstands the Machine.

She's been like that

ever since the Fire Swamp.

It's my father's failing health

that's upsetting her.

Of course.

The king died that very night...

and before the following dawn...

Buttercup and Humperdinck

were married.

And at noon,

she met her subjects again...

this time, as their queen.

My father's final words were...

Hold it! Hold it, Grandpa.

You read that wrong.

She doesn't marry Humperdinck.

She marries Westley.

I'm just sure of it.

After all that Westley

did for her...

if she didn't marry him,

it wouldn't be fair.

Who says life is fair?

Where is that written?

Life isn't always fair.

I'm telling you,

you're messing up the story!

Now, get it right!

Do you want me

to go on with this?

All right, then,

no more interruptions.

"At noon,

she met her subjects again...

this time, as their queen."

My father's final words were...

"Love her as I loved her,

and there will be joy."

I present to you your queen!

Queen Buttercup!

Why do you do this?

You had love in your hands,

and you gave it up!

They would have k*lled Westley

if I hadn't done it.

Your true love lives,

and you marry another!

True love saved her

in the Fire Swamp...

and she treated it like garbage!

And that's what she is...

the Queen of Refuse!

So bow down to her if you want!

Bow to her!

Bow to the Queen of Slime!

The Queen of Filth!

The Queen of Putrescence!

Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck!

It was ten days

till the wedding.

The king still lived.

But Buttercup's nightmares

were growing steadily worse.

See? Didn't I say she'd never

marry that rotten Humperdinck?

Yes, you're very smart.

Shut up.

It comes to this.

I love Westley. I always have.

I know now I always will.

If you tell me I must marry you

in ten days...

please believe

I will be dead by morning.

I could never cause you grief.

Consider our wedding off.

You returned this...

Westley to his ship?

Then we will simply alert him.

Beloved... are you certain

he still wants you?

After all, it was you who did

the leaving in the Fire Swamp.

Not to mention that pirates are

not known as men of their words.

My Westley

will always come for me.

I suggest a deal.

You write four copies

of a letter.

I'll send my four fastest ships,

one in each direction.

The Dread Pirate Roberts...

is always close to Florin

this time of year.

We'll run up the white flag

and deliver your message.

If Westley wants you,

bless you both.

If not...

please consider me

as an alternative to suicide.

Are we agreed?

Your princess is really

quite a winning creature.

A trifle simple, perhaps,

but her appeal is undeniable.

I know. The people

are quite taken with her.

It's odd,

but when I hired Vizzini...

to have her m*rder*d

on our engagement day...

I thought that was clever.

But it's going to be

so much more moving...

when I strangle her

on our wedding night.

Once Guilder is blamed...

the nation

will be truly outraged.

They'll demand we go to w*r.

Now, where is that secret knot?

It's impossible to find.

Are you coming down

into the pit?

Westley's got his strength back.

I'm starting him

on the Machine tonight.

Tyrone, you know how much

I love watching you work...

but I've got my country's

500th anniversary to plan...

my wedding to arrange,

my wife to m*rder...

and Guilder to frame for it.

I'm swamped.

Get some rest.

If you haven't got your health,

you haven't got anything.

Beautiful, isn't it?

It took me half a lifetime

to invent it.

I'm sure you've discovered...

my deep and abiding interest

in pain.

At present, I'm writing

the definitive work...

on the subject.

So I want you to be

totally honest with me...

on how the Machine

makes you feel.

This being our first try,

I'll use the lowest setting.

As you know, the concept

of the suction pump...

is centuries old.

Well, really,

that's all this is.

Except that,

instead of sucking water...

I'm sucking life.

I've just sucked

one year of your life away.

I might one day

go as high as five...

but I really don't know

what that would do to you...

so let's just start

with what we have.

What did this do to you?

Tell me.

And remember,

this is for posterity...

so be honest.

How do you feel?

Interesting.

Yellin.

Sire.

As chief enforcer of all Florin,

I trust you with this secret.

K*llers from Guilder...

are infiltrating

the Thieves' Forest...

and plan to m*rder my bride

on our wedding night.

My spy network

has heard no such news.

Any word from Westley?

Too soon, my angel.

Patience.

He will come for me.

Of course.

She will not be m*rder*d.

On the day of the wedding...

I want the Thieves' Forest

emptied...

and every inhabitant arrested.

Many of the thieves will resist.

My regular enforcers

will be inadequate.

Form a brute squad, then!

I want the Thieves' Forest

emptied before I wed.

It won't be easy, sire.

Try ruling the world sometime.

The day of the wedding arrived.

The brute squad

had their hands full...

carrying out

Humperdinck's orders.

Up! Up! Up!

Come on! Come on!

- Is everybody out?

- Almost.

There's a Spaniard

giving us some trouble.

Well, you give him some trouble.

Move.

I am waiting for you, Vizzini.

You told me to go back

to the beginning, so I have.

This is where I am,

and this is where I'll stay.

I will not be moved.

h* there!

I do not budge.

Keep your "h* there."

The prince gave orders.

So did Vizzini.

When a job went wrong,

you went back to the beginning.

This is where we got the job,

so it's the beginning.

And I am staying

till Vizzini come.

You brute, come here!

I am waiting for Vizzini.

You surely are a meanie.

It's you.

True.

You don't look so good.

You don't smell so good, either.

Perhaps not.

I feel fine.

Fezzik and Inigo were reunited.

As Fezzik nursed his inebriated

friend back to health...

he told Inigo

of Vizzini's death...

and the existence

of Count Rugen...

the six-fingered man.

Considering Inigo's

lifelong search...

he handled the news

surprisingly well.

Fezzik took great care

in reviving Inigo.

That's enough!

Where is this Rugen now

so I may k*ll him?

He's with the prince

in the castle...

but the castle gate

is guarded by thirty men.

How many could you handle?

I don't think more than ten.

Leaving twenty for me.

At my best,

I could never defeat that many.

I need Vizzini to plan.

I have no gift for strategy.

But Vizzini is dead.

No. Not Vizzini.

I need the man in black.

What?

He bested you with strength,

your greatness.

He bested me with steel.

He must have

out-thought Vizzini.

A man who can do that can plan

my castle onslaught any day.

- Let's go.

- Where?

Find the man in black,

obviously.

But you don't know where he is.

Don't bother me with trifles.

After twenty years, at last...

my father's soul

will be at peace.

There will be blood tonight!

Rise and report.

The Thieves' Forest is emptied.

Thirty men

guard the castle gate.

Double it.

My princess must be safe.

The gate has but one key...

and I carry that.

My dulcet darling!

Tonight, we marry.

Tomorrow morning, your men will

escort us to Florin Channel...

where every ship in my armada...

waits to accompany us

on our honeymoon.

Every ship

but your four fastest, you mean.

Every ship

but the four you sent.

Yes, of course.

Naturally, not those four.

Your Majesties.

You never sent the ships.

Don't bother lying.

It doesn't matter.

Westley will come for me,

anyway.

You're a silly girl.

Yes, I am a silly girl...

for not having seen sooner that

you were nothing but a coward...

with a heart full of fear.

I would not say such things

if I were you.

Why not? You can't hurt me.

Westley and I are joined

by the bonds of love...

and you cannot track that...

not with

a thousand bloodhounds...

and you cannot break it...

not with a thousand swords.

And when I say

you are a coward...

that is only because you are

the slimiest weakling...

ever to crawl the earth.

I would not say such things

if I were you!

You truly love each other...

and so you might have been

truly happy.

Not one couple in a century

has that chance...

no matter what

the storybooks say.

So I think

no man in a century...

will suffer as greatly

as you will.

Not to fifty!

Listen. Do you hear?

That is the sound

of ultimate suffering.

My heart made that sound when

Rugen slaughtered my father.

The man in black makes it now.

The man in black?

His true love

is marrying another tonight.

Who else has the cause

for ultimate suffering?

Excuse me.

Pardon me, it's important.

Fezzik, please.

Everybody, move!

Thank you.

Where is the man in black?

You get there

from this grove, yes?

Fezzik, jog his memory.

I'm sorry, Inigo.

I didn't mean

to jog him so hard.

Father, I have failed you

for twenty years.

Now our misery can end.

Somewhere...

somewhere close by

is a man who can help us.

I cannot find him alone.

I need you.

I need you to guide my sword.

Please.

Guide my sword.

He's dead.

It just is not fair.

Grandpa, wait!

Wait. What did Fezzik mean,

"He's dead"?

I mean, he didn't mean dead.

Westley's only faking... right?

You want me to read this or not?

Who gets Humperdinck?

I don't understand.

Who kills Prince Humperdinck

at the end?

Somebody's got to do it.

Is it Inigo? Who?

Nobody. Nobody kills him.

He lives.

You mean he wins?

Jesus, Grandpa, what did you

read me this thing for?

You've been very sick...

and you're taking this story

very seriously.

I think we ought to stop now.

No. I'm OK.

Sit down. I'm all right.

All right, now,

let's see, where were we?

In the Pit of Despair.

We Montoyas

have never taken defeat easily.

Come along, Fezzik.

Bring the body.

The body?

Have you any money?

I have a little.

I just hope it's enough

to buy a miracle, that's all.

Go away!

What? What?

Are you the Miracle Max...

who worked for the king

all those years?

The king's stinking son

fired me.

And thank you for bringing up

such a painful subject.

While you're at it, why don't

you give me a nice paper cut...

and pour lemon juice on it?

We're closed!

Beat it,

or I'll call the brute squad.

I'm on the brute squad.

You are the brute squad.

We need a miracle.

It's very important.

Look, I'm retired.

And besides...

why would you want someone

the king's stinking son fired?

I might k*ll whoever

you wanted me to miracle.

He's already dead.

He is, huh?

I'll take a look. Bring him in.

I've seen worse.

Sir?

We're in a terrible rush.

Don't rush me, sonny.

You rush a miracle man,

you get rotten miracles.

You got money?

Sixty-five.

I never worked for so little...

except once,

and that was a very noble cause.

This is noble, sir.

His wife is crippled.

His children

are on the brink of starvation.

Are you a rotten liar!

I need him

to help avenge my father...

m*rder*d these twenty years.

Your first story was better.

Where's that bellows?

He probably owes you money, huh?

Well, I'll ask him.

He's dead. He can't talk.

Look who knows so much, huh?

It just so happens your friend

is only mostly dead.

There's a big difference between

mostly dead and all dead.

Please open his mouth.

Now, mostly dead

is slightly alive.

Now, all dead...

well, with all dead...

there's usually only one thing

that you can do.

What's that?

Go through his clothes

and look for loose change.

Hello in there!

What's so important?

What you got here

that's worth living for?

Tr-u-u-ue lo-o-o-ove.

True love. You heard him?

You could not ask for

a more noble cause than that.

Hey, sonny...

true love is the greatest thing

in the world...

except for a nice M.L.T...

mutton, lettuce,

and tomato sandwich...

when the mutton is nice and lean

and the tomato is ripe.

They're so perky. I love that.

But that's not what he said.

He distinctly said,

"To bl-a-a-ave."

And as we all know,

to blave means to bluff, huh?

So you were probably playing

cards, and he cheated...

Liar!

Get back, witch!

I'm not a witch! I'm your wife!

But after what you just said...

I'm not even sure

I want to be that anymore!

You never had it so good.

He said true love, Max.

Don't say another word, Valerie!

He's afraid.

Ever since Prince Humperdinck

fired him...

his confidence is shattered.

Why'd you say that name?

You promised me that

you would never say that name!

What? Humperdinck?

I'm not listening!

A life expiring...

and you don't have the decency

to say why you won't help!

- Nobody's hearing nothing!

- Humperdinck!

This is Buttercup's true love.

If you heal him, he will stop

Humperdinck's wedding.

Shut up!

Wait a minute.

I make him better,

Humperdinck suffers?

Humiliations galore!

That is a noble cause.

Give me the sixty-five.

I'm on the job.

That's a miracle pill?

The chocolate coating

makes it go down easier...

but you have to wait 15 minutes

for full potency...

and you shouldn't go swimming

for at least, what?

- An hour. A good hour.

- Yeah, an hour.

Thank you for everything.

Bye-bye, boys.

Have fun storming the castle.

Think it'll work?

It would take a miracle.

Anything?

Inigo, there's more than thirty.

What's the difference?

We've got him.

Help me here.

We'll have to force-feed him.

Has it been fifteen minutes?

We can't wait.

The wedding's in half an hour.

We must strike in the hustle

and bustle beforehand.

Tilt his head back.

Open his mouth.

How long do we have to wait...

before if we know

the miracle works?

Your guess is as good as mine.

I'll beat you apart!

I'll take you both together!

I guess not very long.

Why won't my arms move?

You've been mostly dead all day.

We had Miracle Max

make a pill to bring you back.

Who are you?

Are we enemies?

Why am I on this wall?

Where's Buttercup?

Let me explain.

No, there is too much.

Let me sum up.

Buttercup's marrying Humperdinck

in less than half an hour...

so all we have to do is get in,

break up the wedding...

steal the princess,

make our escape...

after I k*ll Count Rugen.

That doesn't leave much time

for dilly-dallying.

You just wiggled your finger!

That's wonderful!

I've always been a quick healer.

What are our liabilities?

There is but one

working castle gate.

Come on.

And it is guarded

by sixty men.

And our assets?

Your brains, Fezzik's strength,

my steel.

That's it?

Lmpossible.

If I had a month to plan...

maybe I could come up

with something, but this...

You just shook your head!

That doesn't make you happy?

My brains, his steel...

and your strength

against sixty men...

and a little head jiggle

is supposed to make me happy?

If we only had a wheelbarrow,

that would be something.

Where did we put the wheelbarrow

the albino had?

Over the albino, I think.

Why didn't you list that among

our assets in the first place?

What I wouldn't give

for a holocaust cloak.

There we cannot help you.

Will this do?

- Where did you get that?

- At Miracle Max's.

It fit so nice,

he said I could keep it.

All right. Come on, help me up.

I'll need a sword eventually.

Why? You can't even lift one.

True, but that's hardly

common knowledge, is it?

Thank you.

There may be problems

once we're inside.

I'll say.

How do I find the count?

Once I do,

how do I find you again?

Once I find you again,

how do we escape?

Don't pester him.

He's had a hard day.

Right, right. Sorry.

- Inigo.

- What?

I hope we win.

You don't seem excited,

my little muffin.

Should I be?

Brides often are, I'm told.

I do not marry tonight.

My Westley will save me.

Marriage...

Marriage is what brings us

together... today.

Marriage...

that blessed arrangement...

that dream within a dream...

Stand your ground, men!

I am the Dread Pirate Roberts.

There will be no survivor!

- Now?

- Not yet.

My men are here.

I am here...

but soon you will not be here.

- Now?

- Light him.

The Dread Pirate Roberts...

takes no survivors.

All your worst nightmares...

are about to come true.

Then love...

true love...

will follow you...

forever.

The Dread Pirate Roberts...

is here for your souls!

Stay where you are!

Fight!

Stay where you are!

So treasure your love.

Skip to the end.

Have you the ring?

Here comes my Westley now.

Fezzik, the portcullis!

Your Westley is dead.

I k*lled him myself.

Then why is there fear

behind your eyes?

Give us the gate key.

I have no gate key.

Fezzik, tear his arms off.

You mean this gate key?

...and do you,

Princess Buttercup...

Man and wife!

Say man and wife!

Man and wife.

Escort the bride

to the honeymoon suite.

I'll be there shortly.

He didn't come.

k*ll the dark one

and the giant...

but leave the third

for questioning.

My name is Inigo Montoya.

You k*lled my father.

Prepare to die.

I need you!

I can't leave him alone.

He's getting away from me,

Fezzik!

Please!

I'll be right back.

Thank you.

Strange wedding.

Yes... a very strange wedding.

Come along.

What was that for?

Because you've always been

so kind to me.

And I won't be seeing you

again...

since I'm k*lling myself once

we reach the honeymoon suite.

Won't that be nice?

She kissed me!

Sorry, Father.

I tried.

You must be

that little Spanish brat...

I taught a lesson to

all those years ago.

Simply incredible.

Have you been chasing me

your whole life...

only to fail now?

I think that's the worst thing

I've ever heard.

How marvelous.

There's a shortage of

perfect breasts in this world.

It would be a pity

to damage yours.

Oh, Westley, darling!

Westley, why won't you hold me?

Gently.

At a time like this...

that's all you can think to say,

gently?

Gently!

Good heavens,

are you still trying to win?

You've got an overdeveloped

sense of vengeance.

It's going to get you

into trouble someday.

My name is Inigo Montoya.

You k*lled my father.

Prepare to die.

My name is Inigo Montoya.

You k*lled my father.

Prepare to die.

Hello!

My name is Inigo Montoya.

You k*lled my father.

Prepare to die.

Stop saying that!

Hello!

My name is Inigo Montoya!

You k*lled my father!

Prepare to die!

Offer me money.

Power, too, promise me that.

All that I have and more,

please.

Offer me everything I ask for.

Anything you want.

I want my father back,

you son of a b*tch!

Westley,

will you ever forgive me?

What hideous sin

have you committed lately?

I got married. I didn't want to.

It all happened so fast.

It never happened.

It never happened.

But it did. I was there.

This old man said man and wife.

Did you say I do?

We sort of skipped that part.

Then you're not married.

If you didn't say it,

you didn't do it.

Wouldn't you agree,

Your Highness?

A technicality

that will shortly be remedied.

But first things first.

To the death.

To the pain.

I don't think I'm quite familiar

with that phrase.

I'll explain...

and I'll use small words so that

you'll be sure to understand...

you warthog-faced buffoon.

That may be the first time

in my life...

a man has dared insult me.

It won't be the last.

To the pain means

the first thing you lose...

will be your feet

below the ankles...

then your hands at the wrists...

next your nose.

And then my tongue, I suppose.

I k*lled you

too quickly the last time...

a mistake I don't mean

to duplicate tonight.

I wasn't finished.

The next thing you lose will be

your left eye, then your right.

And then my ears. I understand!

Let's get on with it!

Wrong! Your ears you keep,

and I'll tell you why...

so every shriek of every child

at seeing your hideousness...

will be yours to cherish.

Every babe that weeps

at your approach...

every woman who cries out,

"God, what is that thing"...

will echo in your perfect ears.

That is what

"to the pain" means.

It means I leave you

in anguish...

wallowing

in freakish misery forever.

I think you're bluffing.

It's possible, pig!

I might be bluffing.

It's conceivable,

you miserable vomitous mass...

I'm only lying here because

I lack the strength to stand.

Then again...

perhaps I have the strength

after all.

Drop your sword.

Have a seat.

Tie him up.

Make it as tight as you like.

Where's Fezzik?

I thought he was with you.

In that case...

Help him.

Why does Westley need helping?

Because he has no strength.

I knew you were bluffing!

I knew he was bluffing.

- Shall I dispatch him for you?

- Thank you, but no.

Whatever happens to us...

I want him to live a long life,

alone with his cowardice.

Inigo, where are you?

There you are.

Inigo,

I saw the prince's stables...

and there they were,

four white horses.

And I thought,

there are four of us...

if we ever find the lady.

Hello, lady.

So I took them with me in case

we ever bumped into each other.

I guess we just did.

You did something right.

Don't worry.

I won't let it go to my head.

You know...

it's very strange.

I have been in the revenge

business so long...

now that it's over...

I don't know what to do

with the rest of my life.

Have you ever considered piracy?

You'd make a wonderful

Dread Pirate Roberts.

They rode to freedom.

And as dawn arose, Westley and

Buttercup knew they were safe.

A wave of love swept over them.

And as they reached

for each other...

What? What?

It's kissing again.

You don't want to hear that.

I don't mind so much.

Since the invention

of the kiss...

there have been five kisses...

that were rated

the most passionate...

the most pure.

This one left them all behind.

The end.

Now I think

you ought to go to sleep.

All right.

So long.

Grandpa...

maybe you could come over...

and read it again to me

tomorrow.

As you wish.