04x03 - Everybody Hates Homecoming

[bunniefuu]

During football season of Tattaglia

there was nothing more
important than Homecoming Week.

Homecoming Dance?

What are you looking
at that for?

Just want to know
the date of the dance

so I can start acting like
I'm sick three days before.

It's a great excuse--
I'd use it,

but nobody cares whether
I'm there or not.

Why don't you
just go stag?

End up dancing
by myself?

I could do
th at home.

Would you go dance with
yourself someplace else?!

Chris...

I'd like you
to meet Jenise.

Hi. I just transferred in.

Jenise doesn't have
a date for the dance,

and since all the other
black men are taken...

By white women.

I thought you two
might go together.

Well, anyway,

I'll let Chris
lay his rap on you.

Peace.

I'm Audi 5000.

So, do you want to go?

Sure. I juston't want you
to feel like you have to go 'cause she set you up.

No, it's cool.

All you have to do is come by
so my parents can meet you.

If they like you, we can go.

That's cool.

That will go great,because we all know--
everybody loves me.

So, I'll see you later.

Dude, you're going
to the Homecoming Dance?

I guess so.

Great. My life sucks,
and what do you do?

You make it suck worse.

What, do you want me to stay at home
and have a sucky night, too, so you can feel better?

Yeah. That's what
friends are for!

With friends like that,
who needs enemies?

Everybody Hates Chris Season 4 Episode 3

Capture:FRM@??ε
Sync:FRS@??ε

Since i was going to the dance with Jeni,

I needed to cancel
a date with Doc's.

Drew, I need you to work my
shift Saturday night at Doc's.

He's already
taking your place working after school.

You need him to work
on weekends, too?

Oh, it's okay, Mom.
I could use the money.

Well, what do you have
to do anyway?

I have a date
to the Homecing Dance.

A date? What's wrong with her?

Nothing. Her name's Jenise,
and she lives in Park Slope.

Park Slope?

That's expensive.

And she goes to your school?

I told you there was
something wrong with her.

She's Ret*rded.

Your brother's date
is not Ret*rded.

Well, she could be,
but there's different levels.

She could be a moron,

an imbecile,
an idiot or a cretin.

Morons have the highest IQ
of the mentally Ret*rded,

so if something's
wrong with her,

you may not notice at first.

Like the first time
you watch Bill O'Reilly.

Why is it so hard
to believe I have a date

with a perfectly nice,
normal girl?

Hello? Hello?

Oh... oh, stop.

You finished?

Yeah, yeah.
But you have to admit,

that was pretty funny.

Oh, Drew
and Tonya,

y'all go get ready for bed.

Anyway, all she said was that

I had to meet her parents,

and if they say it's okay,
then we can go.

What? Wait a minute, now.

Who are they to be
checking out my son?

I should be checking out
their daughter.

Who knows what kind of floozy
she might be?

I'd like to find out.

Since you're going
for an inspection,

make sure you make
a good impression.

If I could do impressions,

I'd still be
on Saturday Night Live.

Meanwhile,
I wasn't the only one

trying to impress a new girl.

That's good! I didn't know
you could sing like that.

Hey, Tonya.

Hey, Youngblood.
Where y'all going?

Oh, he's walking me home.

Check you out.

I heard you... singing.

Now you're walking
people home?

You're like a one-man
walking show.

All chivalrous.

You're like
Maurice Chevalier.

James was a rare combinationof French film buff and bug.

Maybe I'll see you tomorrow.

Come on, man.
Where you going?

Don't leave. Let's sing.

You be Ralph Tresvant.
I'll be Bobby Brown.

Come on.

How come no oneever wants to be Ronnie DeVoe?

What'd you do that for?

I liked you before he did.

How come I can't
walk you home?

Because I'm going by myself.

Meanwhile, Greg had gonefrom bad to worse,
like America under Bush.

Greg, where you going?

I'm out of here.
I just don't fit in anymore.

I can't come back to this.

At the Bronx Academy,
I was somebody.

Yeah, you were the guy
who got kicked out.

I wouldn't expect you
to understand.

You're manager
of the football team.

You got a date
to the Homecoming Dance.

I'm just another reject.
Well, what are you gonna do about it?

Join the army; they
don't reject anybody.

Rejected.

Sorry.

While Greg looked
for acceptance,

Doc looked for business.

Is all this stuff
past the expiration date?

Yeah. I remember back
when I couldn't keep
a shelf stocked.

I can't figure out
why people don't come in here no more.

Because you don't sell crack.

Could be because there's
a negative flow ofnergy.

Or because you
don't sell crack.

What you talking about?

Feng shui
it's the Chinese practice of achieving harmony in one's environment

through the placement
of objects.

I think feng shui
is the reason Mr. Fong's restaurant is always so packed.

And because Mr. Fong
sells crack.

Feng shui, huh?

I thought I was gonna
have to sell crack.

Eh, what the hay.

Do your thing.

While Drew was setting up
to get some customers,

I was setting up
to meet the parents.

Wow, look at you.

Looking like that, my
parents might think I'm
not good enough for you.

I just don't want
anything to go wrong.

Then send someone else
in your place.

Everything'll be fine.

I'll meet you at my
house after school.
Cool.

What's your problem!
Oops. Sorry.

I forgot to say,
"Here, catch."

Well, at least it's chocolate.
It'll blend in.

I hope her family
likes chocolate.

What is all of this ringing
of the bells

while I am eating
the sweet potato pop?

Son, the homeless shelter's
around the corner.

No, I'm not homeless.
I'm Chris.

I'm taking Jenise
to the Homecoming Dance
this week at Tattagl.

In that?

Jenise Huckstable!

Downstairs! Now!

Come in, son.

Oh, no!
Chris, what happened?

After we met
in the hallway,

this kid hit me with
a bowl of pudding.

Here, come sit down.

No, no, no,
don't sit down.

Just in case
that's not pudding.

Clint Huckstable,
what is wrong with you?

Oh, my Lord.

A motherless child.

He's not a motherless
child.

That's Chris.
We met at school.

I got hit with a bowl
of pudding.

Blair, the boy
has been abused.

Well, I can take
your case.

I'm a lawyer, you know.

I am very accomplished.

Yes, and I would like
to accomplish something with you later on,

if you know
what I mean.

Stop it, Clint.

So, Chris, where
are you from?

Bed-Stuy.

Now, I heard about that place.

I sent a boy to jail from there.

He was selling something called crack.

All the babies from there
are on it.

Are you a crack baby?

No, sir.

Now, Chris, do you have a family?

Yeah, a mother, father,
sister, brother.

Are they crack people?

No, sir.

What kind of law
does your mother practice?

She works in the beauty salon.

And what does
your father do?

Oh, he has two jobs.

Oh, so he's a doctor and a lawyer.

No, he drives a truck

and does security part-time.

I see.

Well, Chris,

much like your people
from Bed-Stuy,

our daughter here is a screwup.

Yeah, and instead of wasting money
on a good private school,

we decided to teach her a lesson and send her
to the Tattaglia public school.

And then she decided
to teach us a lesson

by bringing you home.

But we are not going
to penalize you for her stupidity.

Chris, we have decided
to let you take our daughter Jenise

to the Homecoming Dance.

Thank you, sir.

You're welcome.

And we have this lovely
sweater here

so you have something
decent to wear.

Also...

this delicious box of sweet potato pops.

While I was working
on the Huckstables,

James was working
on Tonya's nerves.

Where's Jason? He was supposed
to meet me, not you.

You mean Maurice? I don't know.

But I know this much:

If I was supposed to walk you
to school,

when you came out, I'd be there

even if somebody threatened me
with a tire iron.

She wishes she had a tire iron.

But I'll walk you, you know,
since he's not here.

I don't want you to walk me
to school.

Leave me alone.

That's how girls turned down
R. Kelly.

While Tonya wanted to be alone,

Doc had plenty of company.

(?ݧ?)

Wow, this feng shui thing
is something else.

Business hasn't
been this good

since they robbed
the food stamp truck.

What's this?

This is a money tree.

It'll bring you
good fortune.

Looks like
it's working.

(speaks mangled Chinese)

Can I help you?

That's English for
"I don't speak Chinese."

Doc's business was
at an all-time high,

and Greg was at
an all-time low.

Greg, get up.

I mean, I know getting kicked
out of the Bronx Academy sucked,

but things can work out.

Yeah, it's easy for you to say.

You're not the one
with the miserable life.

What show have you been on
for the last three years?

Maybe you just need
to get involved
with something.

Like what?

Like a shower.

I got an idea.

Your school mascot,
a sleeping fish.

What about it?

Well, they need a new guy.

The other guy quit.

So, what, you think me running around the sidelines
at a football game wearing a giant fish suit's gonna help me?

Really?
That's what you think?

Well, everybody loves him.

And they've never lost game
with him on the sidelines.

I don't know.

Trust me.

Hey, Greg, you look great.

Hey, Chris, you're lying.

All right, Bassie, I want you
to get out there today,

you run around that field,
you get us a win.
You understand?

Isn't that what
the players are for?

Move it or lose it,
towel boy.

Greg, come on.

No, I got to wait
for a car to take me.

I got this big suit.

Oh, well, good luck.
Catch you later.

While I was gonna catch Greg
later,

some other guys were gonna
catch Greg now.

While Greg was nowhere
to be found,

Doc couldn't find anything.

Drew, where did you put
the hot sauce?

What you mean,
it disrupted the chi?

Okay, then where's the chi?

Where the hot sauce used to be.

Well, I can't pour
a philosophical concept on my catfish, now can I?

Think. I'll call you back.

Meanwhile,
history was made today

when the Tattaglia Sleeping Fish
lost their homecoming game

to the Clemenza Fighting
Silencers by a score of 68 to 2.

We fought a good fight,
but we lost.

But ultimately, I have to blame the loss
on our mascot Bassie.

He was a no-show,
and we lost

Hope you're happy
about that, Bassie,

You happy now? You happy?
You see what you did.

Tomorrow night
at Madison Square Garden,

light heavyweight contenders...

Greg, what happened?

I got fishnapped.

You okay?
No, I'm not okay.

I spent the last three hours
in the back of a van with a giant fish suit on me

with guys trying
to force-feed me worms.

I hope that wasn't a metaphor.

Just calm down.
No, you calm down.

Go to your stupid homecoming
dance with your stupid date.

And stop trying to pretend
you understand me

'cause you don't,
okay, pop star?

The only thing
you can do for me

is to kiss my white....

Way to lose homecoming, tadpole.

I'm glad Caruso punched him,

because it would have ruined
our friendship

if I had had to do it myself.

By the time homecoming night
came around,

even though Greg
wouldn't talk to me,

I probably couldn't hear him
because my sweater was so loud.

That sweater looks stupid.

I would have a comeback,
but unfortunately I agree.

Bet you a dollar
she doesn't show up.

Tonya, she'll show up.

Chris, she doesn't show up,
just give us a call.

We'll come get you.

Nothing like a parent's love
to destroy your confidence.

Meanwhile, Drew learned
you can't teach an old Docnew tricks.

Doc, what happened?

I couldn't figure out why chinese people put hot sauce near the peanut butter

And your fortune
inside a cookie.

So I changed
everything back.

Money won't do me
any good if I go crazy

before I try to spend it.

So I said "Sayonara"
to feng shui.

Sayonara isn't Chinese.
It's Japanese.

Hey, I just read this thing about this new Japanese food
call "sushi."

It's supposed to be
the next big thing in America.

Maybe we could
sell it here.

Sushi?

Yeah, it's like raw fish
wrapped in seaweed and rice.

That sounds as good as hamburger
made out of turkey.

Do I have to tell you
Doc went broke?

What the heck is that?

"Careless Whisper."

Oh, my God!

What the hell?

Turn it off. Sit down.

Didn't I tell you
to leave my daughter alone?

Look, I'm just trying
to show her I like her.

She gets it.

But you can't make somebody
like you back.

At least not without a lot
of fame and money.

Between me and you,

I ain't letting her go
without a fight.

Are you talking about a fight
for her or with me?

Just tell her when she gets tired of Jason, im available.

I'll do that.

No, he won't.

While Tonya had
an unwanted visitor at home,

I had an unwanted visitor
at homecoming.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Greg's aunt called.
He never came home last night.

Do you have any idea
where he might be?

I don't know.

You realize that if you don't
take me to the dance,

you'll never have
a chance of going
out with me again.

I know.

You know or you don't know?

Huh?

chris if you don't come and find me right away

you know this
can end badly for me.

I know.

Well, then come on.
What?

Let's go get Greg.

You say you know where he is,
right?

Yeah.

You better hurry, man.

Why don't you
leave him alone?

You know he wants to go
to the dance with me.

I really do.

Well, then come on.

He doesn't care about you.
He just met you.

He's known me
for years.

I can't leave Greg hanging.
Ha!

Let's go, boy!

You're standing me up?

I have to
What?

I'm on the edge, man!
Stop yelling at me!

Look, I don't care who's missing.

You holler at me
like that one more time,

you gonna come up missing.

I'm sorry.
You should be.

You better be.
Now come on.

Man, that scene put
the "azy" in crazy.

How'd you know where to find me?

Your best friend,

plus the Bronx Academy
was the last place you were

before everything went wrong.

Well, now you found me,

just leave me and let me rot.

Greg, I'm getting tired
of your complaining.

I've been getting knocked down
for years

and you don't see me whining.

I just get up
and dust myself off.

Of course you do--
you're black.

You overcame sl*very,
lynchings and racism.

You know how to deal
with suffering.

I'm a white guy;
I'm supposed to have it easy.

Greg, right now, I'm standing up
at the most perfect girl in the world.

Her family is amazing.

They clapped when I entered.

They laughed at everything
I said.

They gave me sweet potato pops.

They even gave me this sweater.

This sweater cost
more than our car.

Her parents are
a lawyer and a doctor.

Last time I saw a lawyer
and a doctor together

was when my uncle went to the hospital
for a routine checkup and came out dead.

So if you don't get
your harmonica-playing,

hole-in-the-sock-wearing,

woe-is-me, I-should-have-
everything-easy behind up,

I'm gonna smack
the crack out of you!

Oh, man, the dance.

You missed your date
with Jenise to come and find me?

Don't sweat it. You would
have done the same thing for me.

When the situation came up
years later, he didn't.

The next day, I went to deliver
the Huckstables an apology,

but they had come to get it
themselves.

What the...?

Aha! Now you know what it's like
to come into your home

and not believe what the eyes
are seeing

because your daughter is
boo-hooing, shedding the tears.

Who the hell are you?

I am Dr. Clint Huckstable.

And I am the father
of the daughter

shedding
all the tears

because the son
of the mother

from Bed-Stuy...
stood her up

at the Tattaglia-talia
public school homecoming dance.

How did you get
into my house?

The crack baby let me in.

I'm not a crack baby.

I'm really sorry.

We just left your house, but...

What kind of parent
would raise a boy

that would make my future
lawyer-daughter cry

with all the tears?

Now hold on.

If you're such a good parent,

how come your Ret*rded
daughter flunked out
of private school

and had to go
to Tata-Tata-Tataglia

public school?

The point is...

You better say the right thing,

because I swear I will slap
the sweet potato pop out of you.

All I am saying is that

my little girl had her feelings hurt.

You did?

I had to even ask my father
if I could transfer permanently.

I thought you're funny,
cute, edgy, and cool.

You did?
Yes.

But now I hate you.

All it took was one phone call.

Now give me back
my sweater.

With pleasure.

Thank you, sporty.

Let's go.

Ma, aren't you gonna
say anything?

Well, you could
have called.