02x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Ah-ah-ah-ah

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Ah-ah-ah-ah

# Oh-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah! #

I'd like to apologise.

Last week, I said I had a meeting
with Dominic Raab.

I didn't.
I actually met with Boris Johnson.

I'm sorry about the confusion,
I didn't mean to cause any offence,

but all Tories look the same to me.

BIG BEN CHIMES

Ugh!

A-ha. Yes. Bye, dear.

Right, I'm off to attend to some
matters of state at Waitrose.

And then a quick Cabinet reshuffle.

ALL GASP

ALARM SOUNDS

'Cabinet reshuffle!
Cabinet reshuffle!'

He's going to fire us all.

OK, Dom, this time,
we're gonna learn some countries.

OK, you are...

Mackle-donia? Macadamia!

Well, anyway, it's near Crete.

DREAMILY: Ah, Crete's so great.

No, Dom! Concentrate!

Oh, damn it, I'm gonna get sacked
for being too popular!

Then make yourself hated, like me.

SCOFFS
With this face?

ANGELIC CHOIR: # Rishi-i-i-i... #
SINGER: # Eat out to help out. #

Stop! Look, if we want to stay
in the Cabinet,

we should act like
proper Conservatives.

You mean...
brief against each other?!

PHONES DIAL AND RING

He's totally incompetent...
Massive egg-head...

# Rishi-i-i... #
DOOR OPENS

Righto, everybody, back to business.

I've finished reshuffling
my cabinet.

ALL GASP
What?

My drinks cabinet.

From dark and peaty,
all the way to pink and jammy.

ALL SIGH IN RELIEF

Which is what you're going to
look like after I've reshuffled you.

ALL GASP
What?!

You can't move me!
Is there no justice?!

Hmm...

DOOR OPENS

Ah, William!
Wasn't it super about the tennis?

I'm just writing a note
to Emma Raducanu.

Don't forget you're
the Queen of Canada too, Grandmama.

You'll have to commiserate
with Leylah Fernandez.

Of course.

I take my duties as Queen of the
Commonwealth very seriously indeed.

Excellent.
So, what have you written to Emma?

"Dear Emma. Jolly well done
on beating that dreadful Canadian.

"God, I hate Canada.

"Freezing bloody cold the whole time
and full of mooses

"and stupid bloody Mounties
wearing ridiculous hats.

"Half the bloody country speak
French. What's that all about?

"But I digress.

"Well done again
on your splendid victory

"and, in conclusion, I hope I never
have to go to Canada again."

Hmm. And what are you going to say
to Leylah?

How about, "Well played.
Now f*ck off back to Moose-Land."?

Mr President,
welcome to our secret UFO facility.

But I thought the big report

said there was nothing
to that malarkey about Area 51.

There isn't, sir. This is Area 52.

Ooh!
I should warn you.

You're about to see an object

that will cause you to rethink
our place in the universe

and shudder
for the fate of humanity.

A haemorrhoid suppository
that actually works?

Hot damn!

No, sir. An alien spacecraft!

Ooh!

ETHEREAL MUSIC

Whoa! Looks like a suppository.

It's not.

So, how does this alien spaceship
work?

All we know is that these
aliens have design taste

far beyond
even our most advanced g*y couples.

Well, my dad sold cars.
Inside, they're all the same.

Now, what does this yankamajigger
do?

GASPS
My God, you've activated it!

I'm detecting an incredibly
advanced fusion drive signature.

I'll tell you what's advanced.
The lumbar support on this sofa.

ALARM

Who has activated
the master lounge pod viewer

in our long lost spacecraft?

Hey, it's me, Joe from Scranton,
US of A, Planet Earth.

Say, how about you get your a*s
down here so we can chew the fat?

We do not risk our asses
on inter-dimensional travel.

We leave them at home.

Expect our arrival
in five glip-glerps.

Make it six glip-glerps.
I need to take a nap.

Now, does this thing
have auto-massage?

Yeah!

Wow, even we didn't know
it did that.

See you, Donkey!

Alec!
I thought we changed the locks?

I bit through them.

As the true voice
of Scottish independence,

I'm here to tell you time's up.

But I'm loved
by the Scottish people!

WINDOW SMASHES,
THUMP

See? More fan mail!

GASPS

Er... maybe I have had a good run.

But who could be my successor?

What about me?
I'm not just a pretty face.

Who wants a sleepy cuddle?

Hnh!
Och!

No, I want to hand over to a female.

Thanks to your legislation,
I can now self-identify as a woman.

Er... well, I think we need
someone younger.

SUCKS TEETH
I look peng, G!

OK, I'll be honest.
We need someone Scottish

who can tell appalling lies
with a straight face.

My ears are burning!

Not you!
Argh!

No. Our candidate has to be able
to handle being in hot water,

a thick skin, and be Scottish
through and through...

Sounds like you need a haggis!

I think you'll find
that, unlike that guy,

I'm a far more palatable
bag of guts.

Hmm...

Oh, don't do that. Argh!

Alec! You've sabotaged independence
again by eating our new leader!

BELCHES

President Biden,
we came here to meet humanity.

Is this your
supreme planetary congress?

If you wanna meet
Sammy Six-Pack and Sarah Side Salad,

you go to a local eatery.

Joe-creature,
we wish to offer you

the blessings
of our advanced civilisation.

What can you offer in exchange?

Um, we got...

Hmm. Amtrak.

Uh... sand.

Three Dakotas:
North, South, and Fanning.

Hard pass.

If you have nothing to offer us,

we will take our technology
to Planet Dagon.

Well, as long as it ain't China.

They've already stolen it.

All right, let's split up the bill.

Which one of you daredevils chowed
down 50 triple-battered taco locos?

It was Zolaprax the All-Eating.

Oh, buddy, you're gonna be
a little gassy tonight.

I already am.
HISSES

Piers Morgan here.

I want to join Britain
in congratulating Emma Raducanu...

for listening to me!

When she threw in the towel
at Wimbledon, like a snowflake,

I said to her, "Loser! Toughen up!"

Which is exactly what she did
at the US Open.

So her victory is all thanks to me,
Piers Morgan.

British tennis, you are welcome!

Ooh!

Still, advantage Morgan.

GRUNTS

OK, folks, my space buddies
and I have a deal

to solve all the world's problems.

All we need is a buy-in

from Congresswomen Pelosi
and AOC on the left,

and Senator Mitch McConnell
on the right.

Let's hear what these aliens
have to say.

Excuse me, it's inappropriate
to call them aliens.

I suggest "Pre-Documented
Non-Terrestrial Dream-Creatures."

We bring you the technology
to cure all disease.

That sounds like
free universal health care!

Socialism!

We know how to eliminate
economic inequities

and racial disharmony.

Then we'll have nothing to run on!

We can end your climate crisis
with clean energy.

That'd be a Democrat win.

With our advanced civilisation,

you won't need
Democrats or Republicans.

Or government at all.

ALL: No government? Are you crazy?

Ugh! It just gets worse and worse.

This planet is ridiculous.

We will find someone else
who can negotiate a deal.

Activate matter transporter!

By which we mean walking.

MCCONNELL: That was a close call.

We almost solved
the country's problems.

Oh, hi, it's me, Rudy Giuliani.

Thanks for paying 400 bucks
to do this Cameo call,

so I can...
CLEARS THROAT

..wish happy birthday to your mom.

You know, I was Mayor of New York
on September 11th.

In fact,
Queen Elizabeth once told me...

BAD IMPRESSION OF QUEEN: "Oh, Mayor
Rudy, you're so strong and handsome.

"I dub you Sir Sexy of Awesome.

"I love your dark, youthful hair.

"Ooh!"

Whoa, that got me hot.

Anyway, happy birthday to, uh...

Oh, Jesus, I can't read this.

All right,
I need that 400 bucks yesterday!

And I'm not disbarred!

PHONE RINGS

Uh-oh, that's my butt phone,
I better take this.

FARTS

So, I'll pick you up later, Greta,
yeah?

And we can watch Ross Kemp's
Ultimate b*stards on BritBox.

But, Lee,
I'm going to university now,

so I'm breaking up with you.
And you're moving on too.

How's that, then?

Well, now you are doing plastering
as well as roofing.

You are going from outside people's
houses to inside their houses.

I suppose I'll be warmer.
And a bit nearer the kettle.

Besides, you'd be bored watching me
giving inspiring speeches,

doing selfies and arguing
over who used all the oat milk.

SNIFFS

All right, Greta.
I'll never forget you.

I've kept the sign we made
for that climate change rally.

And I have kept the sign we made
for West Ham versus Man U.

SNIFFS
Yeah, it's a good one, that.

Madame Patel, let us come
to an entente cordiale

about zese immigrants crossing
ze Channel in zeir little boats.

I've got an entente for you, Macron,
you garlic-stinkin' frog.

You keep 'em.

You are unusually diplomatic today.

You should take zese immigrants.
Zey seek a better life in Britain,

ze land of Shakespeare
and Joe Wicks.

Burpees!
Not now, Joe Wicks!

JOE WAILS,
THUMP

If you love migrants so much,
why don't you keep 'em,

you horse-eatin' weirdo?

I know you have a softer side.

Perhaps I could butter it.

SLURPS

Urgh! Put that thing away,
you pantin' Parisian perv.

You tell 'im, darling.
You've taken back control.

And by the way, Marcel,
these are chips, not French fries!

And stop slagging off
our British vaccines,

you granny-shagger!

Enough blather
from your seaside cuisine!

Stop turning boats back, or zere
will be an international incident!

Fine.

The next person I send across
the Channel won't be a migrant.

Ketchup!
Ze enemy of fine cuisine!

Urgh!
SPLASH

Yeah! Go on!
Get lost. Bugger off!

Yeah, back to Frogland!

ANNOUNCER:

Hi, I'm Josh,
I'm captain of the lacrosse team.

I am Greta...
FEEDBACK

..the spokesperson
for our generation.

Oh, I thought she was.

Greta Thunberg.
Malala!

I think you'll find I am
the spokesperson for our generation.

We don't need another,

particularly one who wears her hair
in such kiddy pigtails.

Right, guys?

LAUGHTER
GASPING: No!

LAUGHTER REVERBERATES

I think you're forgetting something.
THEY GASP

Greta won the 2019
Ambassador of Conscience Award.

THEY GASP
Wow! Oh, wow!

Oh, no, I'm such a loser.
I only got this...

GRETA GASPS
..Nobel Peace Prize.

CHEERING

You'll never win, Greta.

GRETA SOBS

Come on, Greta, let's get you home.
You can make me tea if you like.

I quite fancy tofu and chips.

You're right, Lee, I should
never have come away to uni.

I was so much happier

watching Danny Dyer's
Ultimate Bollock-Kicks with you.

DOOR OPENS
Sorry I'm late, everybods!

This is politics and economics,
right?

BOTH GASP
BOTH: Harry Styles?!

I want to get stuck into
something really serious

after my gap career
in One Direction.

Maybe I will stay a little longer.

What?!
GRANGE HILL STYLE MUSIC

Donald Trump, you are
the true leader of this country,

according to Rudy Giuliani
and the My Pillow guy.

We offer you the chance to end
homelessness, hunger, and w*r.

Boring!
Talk to me about important problems.

Can you make a voting machine
that always makes me the winner?

This is ridiculous.
Let us return to our home world.

Yes, I long for its green rolling
hills and abundant water views.

Sounds like the perfect place
for a golf resort,

and I'd be a great ruler
for your planet.

We could definitely use
some tourist business.

OTHERWORLDLY MUSIC

Your Highness,
you have bankrupted our planet

with the wall you've built
around it.

Uh-oh! I'm gonna need a distraction.

Have you guys invented Twitter yet?

Yes, but you've been banned from it.

ZAP
Oh!

Bring me another space chalupa.

GRUNTS ROBOTICALLY

DAVID LAUGHS,
ELTON HUMS

What did you think of my script,
Elton?

You and me doing the garden,

you and me
going to a school parents evening,

you and me separating the rubbish

and taking it down
to the recycling centre...

DAVID YELPS
I hate it!

It's completely bloody boring!

But that's our life, that's what
happened after Rocketman 1.

The second-act cl*max is me falling
asleep in front of the telly!

DAVID GIGGLES
Oh, that was so funny!

You dribbled.
No, it wasn't.

It's not my fault
I can't keep my mouth closed.

You know I suffer from fat tongue.

Oh, I love you and the life we have
together... Blah, blah, blah.

It's just,
if we're going to do a sequel,

we'll need to jazz it up
for the audience. Just a bit!

But it'll still have
emotional truth?

Oh, yeah, of course, yeah.

Then we better go and do
some research, jazz up our lives.

How about going to a party

over at Megan Fox
and Machine g*n Kelly's place?

Have you booked a cab?
HE CHORTLES

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here at the CERN institute,

the Large Hadron Collider
smashes protons together

at close to the speed of light

to find the very building blocks
of life.

And here they are.

Oh, hello. Gosh, only me.

Olivia Colman, what are you doing
inside subatomic particles?

Oh, I'm in everything!
SHE SNORTS

She's right, you know.

THEY SNORT

Absolutely everything.

What a fab night!
I haven't had so much fun in ages.

It was horrible.
All that loud music...

I liked the music,
and Machine g*n was such a cutie.

No, he wasn't!

When I asked him who his favourite
Gardeners' World presenter is,

he just walked off!

So, this morning,

shall we look at houses near schools
with outstanding Ofsted ratings?

Now you're talking.

And we should check out
those fabric swatches you had. Ooh!

THEY GIGGLE

ROCK PIANO PLAYS

Elton, I've been meaning
to talk to you

about how to stack the dishwasher.

# I'm still stacking
Like the way I always did... #

Mm, mm, mm...

Ooh, tricky.

I swear these IQ tests
are getting harder.

Prime Minister, I ordered
a monogrammed Taser three weeks ago,

and it still hasn't come.
Hang on!

And my toffee apples never arrived!

The ones I brush my hair with.

Nothin' is being delivered

because Britain is short


It's a right royal spiff-spaff.

I'll drive your damn truck.

I'll deliver your draught excluders
to Grimsby,

your mild Cheddar to Wigan,

and your IKEA Billy bookcases to
every g*dd*mn home in this country!

That's jolly good of you, Tom,
but why?

Because of my best friend, Goose.

I was expecting a package
and it wasn't delivered,

so I had to go to the post office
to pick it up.

And while I was gone, Goose got
ejected from a c*ck and k*lled.

I think that was actually a movie.

Damn it,
I know when something's real!

I'm a Scientologist!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

CAR HORNS BLARE

I got this! M6 to Coventry!

Nuneaton roundabout!

Left... Stay left!

TYRES SCREECH,
CRASH

I'm sorry, Goose!

Thank you for coming, Marcus.
Isotonic energy drink?

Red Wall... gives you left wings.
Thanks.

Oh, my Red Wall
seems to have turned blue.

Anyway, our focus groups
have suggested

that I have a tendency towards
verbosity

that can render my communication
unintentionally opaque.

You mean you talk too much?

That is not
insubstantially incorrect.

Whereas you, Marcus,
have a refreshing brevity,

a resplendent pithiness that I...
SNORING

Marcus?
Man on!

Sorry. So, I wonder
if you would mind telling me

how you would present a policy idea
about tackling child hunger.

Feed the hungry kids?

It's simple, it's clear,

it obeys the rules
of Aristotelian oratory.

I'll try it!

And with the help of my friend
Marcus Rashford here,

I present our new campaign.

HE READS NAME

..to benefit their sustenance
and growth...

CONTINUES READING

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Nailed, eh, Marcus?
MARCUS SNORES

Offside!

Look, Noah!

Our vintage, locally-sourced
board game has arrived!

DANCE MUSIC,
GOVE GRUNTS IN TIME WITH BEAT

Freshers, freshers, what is go on?

Who are you?

I'm Michael Gove, but you can
call me the Minister of Sound.

HE GRUNTS TO BEAT

Sir, do you need medical help?

No, I'm bringing the good news.

We got rid of vaccine passports.

You don't need them
to get into nightclubs any more.

What's a nightclub?
What's a nightclub?!

It's a place for recently-single men
to dance and find connections.

HE GRUNTS

Yeah, I think we'll stay in

and play a gender-neutral,
non-competitive board game.

Erm, Humane Mouse Trap!

Well, whatever young people do,
I'm in.

Yay, we caught the mouse -
as a team!

I thought Mouse Trap
was slang for drugs.

MUSIC RESUMES,
HE MUMBLES DISCONTENTEDLY

Now, listen, I think apologising
is the right thing for you to do,

given the circumstances.

Elements of the public are upset,
and we have to be alive to that.

Can't blame me, I'm just a football!

Yes, but you didn't go in the net,

and you've got to
take responsibility for that.

I said sorry for missing a penalty,
and the country's forgiven me.

Apart from a small
misguided minority on Twitter

who like to call me
a big-nosed twat.

OK, OK, I'll apologise.

Good. You've got a shot
at the World Cup,

you don't want to be cancelled.

But you'll have to write it for me.

Er, why?
Haven't got any hands!

Glad to help.

Now, you need to apologise

for getting in the way
of Rashford's penalty kick.

Oh, bugger off, you big-nosed twat!

Kia Ora, good people of New Zealand.

We have had another single case
of the deadly COVID,

so Nanny has no choice
but to impose a full lockdown.

But, Prime Minister Ardern,

New Zealand can't keep doing this
forever!

You must learn to be strong,
my child.

BRIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

# Close every border

# Lock every door

# Shut every airport

# A guard on every shore

# No more interaction

# Stay off the street

# Hide inside your basement

# Staring at your feet

# New Zealand is going to
Stay COVID-free

# And all because of

# Wonderful, sensible me

# If you get COVID

# Into a bag you'll go

# No-one gets in the country

# Unless it's Jeff Bezos. #

Good evening, I'm Prince Andrew.

The producers of Spitting Image
have invited me

to address the so-called court case
in New York.

I would have been perfectly happy
to cooperate there,

but I was not served the papers
in the correct legal fashion.

If protocol is not followed,

then the law says
I have no charge to answer

and I should not be hit
with a piece of wood.

SICKENING THUD,
ANDREW GROANS

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Ah-ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah-ah-ah

# Oh-ah oh-ah oh-ah

# Oh-ah! #