02x07 - Episode 7

[bunniefuu]

BIG BEN CHIMES

Congratulations, Matt,

we're naming you
United Nations Ambassador.

Really? Me?

Oh, this is the comeback
I've been waiting for.

Back in the public eye.

I'm going to tell everybody,
just everybody!

Wait, you're not tricking me?

No, no.
We wouldn't do that.

Yay! He-he-he-he!

THEY BOTH CHUCKLE

God, we're good.

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Ah-ah-ah-ah

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Ah-ah-ah-ah

# Oh-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah! #

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

BIG BEN CHIMES

I'm the Foreign Secretary, Chevening
is my grace-and-favour mansion.

But I was there first,

and as Deputy Prime Minister,
I vote my right to call dibs.

Double dibs!
Double dibs, no returns!

Oh, sort it out for yourselves.

I didn't come into government
to solve problems.

Vroom!

Dom, let's be grown-up about this.
Yes, absolutely.

Perfect. Right, it's beer o'clock
in Raab Town.

Yeah, well, the fridge
is in Trussville. Dammit!

Why am I so terrible at geography?

Can you at least pass me a beer?
Yes.

But before it crosses the border,

you'll have to fill out
the customs declarations.

Do you have a pen?
Yes.

Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!
HE GROANS

Uh, hello?
BOTH: Hi, Emmanuel!

Wait, you invited Macron, too?

Yes, we're going to drink white wine

and watch Married At First Sight
Australia.

But we're going to watch Cobra Kai
in the bro cave

and work on our topless grappling.

Come here. Grapple! Grapple!

No! He's my Frenchman.

GRUNTING

Do not finger me
like some kind of snail quiche.

I came here for a serious
conversation about fishing rights.

Really? In that case, Liz,
he's all yours.

Er, no, no, you had him first.

No!

ALL ARGUING

Don't touch me.
While this bollocks goes on,

I'm being illegally fished
by a load of Spaniards.

Anyway, see you all next week
on Chevening Chums.

CHUCKLES

On a day of high drama, Harry,

you finally scored
in the Premier League.

Yeah, no, it was a great goal,

but a fan collapsed in the stadium,
and that's my main concern.

I guess some days,
football takes a back seat?

Absolutely. I did well, though.

The keeper was coming out,
side of the foot, silky!

But the main thing is the fan.

And the great news is
he's gonna be just fine.

He is? Come on! What a goal!

First in the Prem! Here you go,
lads, here's the boot that did it.

THUD

MAN: You took out my eye, you prick!

Oh, bloody hell.

But did you see my goal?

Faithful Catholics,
it's me, Francis the Pope.

You've donated 15 euros,

so you've now got access
to my private Only Fan-atics site.

CHORAL MUSIC

But in here, you Fan-atics get
access to my private practices.

HE CHUCKLES

God loves women...
when they make babies.

But they're never
going to be priests.

You know why?
They got us kicked out of Eden!

Boom! That's what I really think.
Ha-ha.

And sure, I said g*y and lesbians
could get civil marriages,

but they don't make babies,
so hell for them, too,

along with the people
that make condoms.

The devil's gift-wrap.

Hm.

OK, that's all for today.

Remember, if you have been naughty,

try my exclusive Confession Session.

For just ten euros more,
I'll forgive you all night long!

And help you pay your penance.

Bad Cardinal Marcello.
WHIPS

Bad!
WHIPS

Ooh, yeah!
CARDINAL GROANS

It's really exciting
to be presenting

the first-ever Earthshot Prize.

Everything about tonight is green.
Even our clothes are recycled.

Just the typical things
people have around the house.

Or garden.

These are feathers from a swan
that was savaged by a corgi.

Tonight is all about spending money
to protect the environment,

not wasting it on space rockets
like Jeff Bezos and William Shatner.

But what of mankind's primal urge
to reach out and explore,

to push back the frontiers
of knowledge?

That is our essence.

Yes, but how do we make people
wash out their bean tins

before they recycle them?

The technology we develop
on our quest to the stars

will answer all your
bean tin-related questions.

How can you not see this?
You, a prince?

Why don't you pick on someone
your own age, Shatner?

It's really OK...

Oh, no, it isn't.

Come on, Shatner,
you blathering space f*ck!

A battle of champions?

If it'll stop more bloodshed,
then so be it.

TENSE MUSIC,
GRUNTING

You're strong
for an environmentalist.

Strong enough to kick your arse,
Captain Berk.

GRUNTING AND STRAINING

Why do we fight like this?

In the end,
aren't we all just celebrities

trying to get our face on the news?

DAVID PANTING

You're right. We've let pride get
in the way of our personal brands.

To friendship.

And, yes, love.

William Shatner?
Yes, Princess Kate?

I'm a member
of the British royal family.

What is love?

Let me show you.
Ooh!

KISSING

Um, we need to go inside.

Greta Thunberg is singing
Sweet Caroline. Kate?

Um, Kate?

Hey, there, it's Tom Cruise.

I'm here... on Cameo...

to say happy... anniversary...

Jessica and John.

Tom, would you like us
to adjust the camera down?

Why would you do that?
It's fine where it is.

John, Jessica...
have a great... anniversary.

OK, that'll be $14 million.

Well, goodbye forever, Elon.

I'll never forget you.

And I'll never forget you, Grimes,

thanks to these bat wings
you gave me for my birthday.

Then I'll sing my farewell song.

# Grimes! Grimes goes bye! #

No. No more.

You've already eased the torment
of you leaving.

Oh, you got something from Amazon.

A letter from Bezos itself?

"Dear Elon, as you know,
I've retired as head of Amazon.

"I thought I'd done it all,

"but there was still something
missing..."

BOTH: "So I've returned to the
inspiration for my fortune..."

The Amazon river.

And here, deep in the jungle, I've
learned the secret to happiness.

I have wisdom and you don't!

"Bez out."

Musk, did you get this letter
from Bezos?

The Amazon river?

He's clearly gone
Willy in the Wonka.

But what if he hasn't? That would
mean he has something I don't.

I have to search the Amazon
and find him.

I'll come, too.
This is a two-billionaire mission.

We'll take the new Tesla
self-driving boat up the river,

a thousand-mile voyage,
deep into the heart of dorkness.

Rachel, can we please
go to a g*y bar?

Oh, just relax, Daniel.
In a hetero pub like this,

there's always
some testosterone-fuelled tosser

who wants to pick a fight
with James Bond.

Nice pub, isn't it?
Oh, here we go.

You want a piece of James Bond,
do you?

All right, try this.

D'you know if they're
showing the football?

What, cos I'm a secret agent
and I know everything? Eh?

Come on, then.
GLASS SMASHES

Argh!
Sitting all quiet, are you?

Huh?
DANIEL GRUNTS

Ow!
That's right, I'm James Bond.

Now, why won't you all
leave me alone?

GLASS SMASHING,
SCREAMING

I don't need therapy!

GRUNTING,
SCREAMING

'Once, there was a little boy
made of wood,

'who was also the leader
of the Labour Party.'

Oh, Jezza, I want to be a real boy
and run the country!

Then, Spinnochio,
you must give the people

the one thing they really want -
a fairer deal for the Palestinians.

Don't listen to Jezza, he almost
destroyed the Labour Party.

Students liked me.
Who are you, anyway?

Jiminy Blair -
conscience of the Labour Party.

What? After you took the country
into the w*r on Iraq?

I'm not listening!

Spinnochio, to become a real boy,

you must win the forthcoming
by-election.

Now, get campaigning.

Everyone knows our frontbench team,
they're really cutting through.

And our policies are radically
different to those of the Tories

with their calls for levelling up.

And on a personal level,

I have just as much charisma
as Boris Johnson.

If not more!

I think you're a boring
block of wood.

Jezza, we lost the by-election,
but only by 5,000 votes.

Now can I be a real boy?
I've got a better idea.

Argh!

Argh! Burning wood
is environmentally unfriendly!

But it warms my old bones.

Dammit, Branson,
we're halfway up the Amazon

and still no sign of Bezos
and his secret to happiness.

HE SIGHS

And we're out of ice, old melon.

You really should have brought more.
I brought the cheese,


melting in the ship's hold.

POWERING DOWN

X5 boat, what's wrong?

'Battery depleted.
Reducing to minimum speed.'

This is an emergency.
I'm calling for help.

And ice.

No reception! Screw you, rainforest!

MONKEY SCREAMS

Ooh!
I'm a billionaire, Branson.

I'll figure this out the way
I solve every other problem -

break out the weed.

I didn't bring any.
We're f*cked!

MONKEYS SCREECHING

Ah! Ooh!

This is no good!
Where are my reading glasses?

Ah! That's better!

f*ck!

It's from the producers
of the next Bond movie.

They want me to do the song!

Really? Don't they normally
get hip, young people to do that?

I'm young! 74 is the new 35.

And I've got lots of trendy
new song ideas!

# I'm still James Bond
Yeah, yeah, yeah! #

Are you sure?

Billie Eilish did the last one,
and she's still in diapers.

You're right.
So, why are they getting in touch?

Where are my bifocals?

Ha!

GASPS
Double f*ck!

They want me to play Bond!
What?

Bond. James Bond.

Licence to k*ll.
CHUCKLES

Quite a lot of people
I'd like to k*ll.

Starting with Madonna!
Give me the phone.

They want you to play a comedy part.

An old has-been singer
with haemorrhoids.

GASPS
I don't have haemorrhoids!

Then why have you been buying
this cream?

You're right. I'm a pathetic,
vain, deluded, hilarious old man.

No! You're not hilarious.

You won't even give me that?!

I'm going to end it all
by sticking my head in the oven!

Goodbye, cruel world!

ELTON WAILS

Oh, there's an apple crumble
in here.

Where's my cup of tea?

Coming right up!

Didn't want to play Bond anyway.
Or do the stupid song.

# At the skyfall

# I'll eat crumble

# With some custard

# Till my tum's full. #

I'm on the Bond diet.

Double-O Seven helpings!

CACKLES

Oh, no, a baby's about to fall off
that balcony!

This sounds like a job
for the future King of England!

How does being royal help?

Because whenever I travel,

my hands swell up to five times
their normal size.

It's weird, but true.
You can see it in photos of me.

Right now, it's just the ticket.

BABY WAILS

How can the people of Britain
ever repay you?

Just doing my duty, madam. Shake?

Ooh! Get those puffy goo bags away!

Fair enough.

God, how long have we been
on this river?

Food gone... battery dead...

Look, over there!
Is that some hideous jungle ghost?

No, it's me! Mark Zuckerberg!
I got the letter too, man.

I power-surfed up the river
as fast as I could,

living off flies
that flew into my mouth.

SNAP

Follow me to the Temple of Bezos!

Bezos has got the secret
to happiness, man!

He's suckin' wisdom
straight from God's teat.

I say, Zuck. You haven't gone
full bonkers, have you?

No, man, I've just been off Facebook
for six days.

I puked for the first three,
but now... I've got clarity.

I knew you'd come... and I'm glad.

In the end, the only friends
a billionaire has

are other billionaires.

That's why I brought you all here.

What about Bill Gates?

He sent his lawyer.
Urgh!

CRAZY LAUGH
Silence, worm!

Of course, my lord.
I'll go sh**t you a pig.

Listen, Jeff, why don't you tell us
the secret of happiness,

and Branson and I will be
out of your hair...

I mean, your scalp...
I mean, you're bald.

This is the secret.

All those billions we made,
it was just a game.

Who's got more? You, me...

Me?
Never you, Branson.

But here, we're all friends,
equals...

with me in charge.
And this is where we will stay...

forever.

Argh!

Oops. Thought he was a boar.

He was a bore, but not that kind.

Maybe it's best
we never learned the secret,

since it obviously
drove him insane.

Some good did come of this.
We've become fast chums.

GOOFY LAUGH

Well, I suppose so.

I did teach this parrot your name.

SQUAWKS
Moron!

Grimes?! What are you doing here?

I came to tell you that even though
we're separated,

we can still be part
of each other's lives.

Of course! Simple human connection.

That's the true secret of happiness.

I wrote a song about it.

OFF-KEY: # Grimes!

# Grimes at home!

# Hello-o-o! #

Right, Mr Starmer,
the lorry's in reverse.

Handbrake's off.
Ready when you are.

What a great photo op.

The perfect way to highlight
Labour's deep concern

over the shortage of lorry drivers.

Snap away, fellas,
as I back this baby up.

CRASH
Oh!

If this had been a real test,
you would have failed.

Well, that's fine,
because I have a pre-prepared ad-lib

to turn this potentially
embarrassing moment

into a hilarious public relations
triumph.

Properly vetted by my inner circle,
a real crowd-pleaser,

which won't offend
any minority groups.

Ah, bless you. That is the deepest
sleep I've ever had.

Oh...

Help! Our Dutch d*ke is leaking!
Our village will be drowned!

Sounds like a job for the Prince
with incredible swelling hands!

Oh?

You saved us!

Lucky I was making a goodwill tour
of the Edam and Gouda factories.

That's always a hand-sweller.

Even I didn't know
they could do that!

BIG BEN CHIMES

All right, people. Time to put
Global Britain on the map!

Remind everyone else

that we're definitely
one of the world's... countries.

ALL: Hear, hear! Bravo!
Global Britain! A country!

How are we going to do it?

Start a w*r?
Oh! Can I be head of bombs?

Something far better.

It's the new official
British Ship of State,

the HMS Nostalgia!

Brilliant! Nostalgia is the future!

SHIP PLAYS RULE, BRITANNIA

What is the HMS Nostalgia
supposed to do?

Remind us of Great Britain's
proud seafaring past.

From Sir Francis Drake
to Lord Nelson

to that canoe bloke
who faked his own death.

And today's mighty naval fleet,

of which two whole submarines
can be at sea at the same time.

TOY SQUEAKS

How does a boat that takes
five weeks to get anywhere

improve our exports?

Who cares?
It's got four bars, three hot tubs,

and a discotheque
with a topless Russian DJ.

And it's all for us.

POUNDING DANCE MUSIC

For half a trillion pounds, I
thought it would be a little bigger.

Yah, the topless Russian DJ
cost more than we thought.

Raise roof, Novichokers!

FOGHORN

CRASH

Aw.

Oh, no.

CHUCKLES

Ivanka Trump, this party is the most
exciting thing to hit Florida

since Hurricane Andrew.

Where's Jared?

Working on his book.

His creative juices are flowing
with such passion and excitement.

Jared, come and join the party!

I'm surprised two fancy-pantsers
like you moved to Florida.

I thought you loved New York.

Yes, but it's so crowded and noisy

and full of people who hate us
because of my dad.

So, you've sorta been exiled
to Florida.

We think Florida
is just as good as New York.

So many cultured,
sophisticated people.

Have you met the chairman
of the Miami Arts Commission?

How do!
This here's my daughter, Mangy Lou.

I love your
Gucci alligator-skin purse.

It's an alligator-skinned alligator.

But I keep my oxycodone in it!

Hey! He's gettin' away with my oxy!
Come back here!

# Dear Meghan

# You know I've been fascinated
By you for a while

# Your bravery and feminism
And the way you smile

# I'm a total stan for you
Call it my obsession

# I just don't know why
I can't get your attention

# How come you don't respond to me
I know you've got a podcast

# Just say my name once
Or I'll blow my f*cking brains out

# My life is lonely all the time

# I miss Susanna Reid

# And even though I act
Like you got me fired

# Still got your picture
On my phone

# Give me attention
Or I'll poo my pants

# I'll poo my pants

# Dear Meghan, I wrote to you again

# On Twitter, Snapchat
And Royal Mail

# Sometimes people don't understand
When I'm trying to be funny

# Like when I said

# You were a selfish woke b*tch
Only in it for the money

# When I called you
Princess Pinocchio

# I was kind of in a rage

# Acknowledge my existence

# Or I'll drive off
This f*cking bridge! #

TYRES SQUEAL

Darling, did you hear?

Terrible tragedy happened to
that man, you know, Piers Morgan.

Who the f*ck is Piers Morgan?

Oh, God, I hate Florida.
I miss New York so much!

What I wouldn't do
for just one real New Yorker.

And here I am! Mr New York!

Ooh, yuck, yuck, yuck,
Rudy Giuliani!

Get out! Shoo!

SNORTS

How 'bout me, Coronavirus?

I spent a lot of time in New York!

Is your dad here?

I wanna thank him
for making me so popular.

Go away. I don't want anything
that reminds people of my father.

That's how we got exiled here
in the first place.

I hear ya. I'm just gonna go and
say hi to my unvaccinated friend.

COUGHS AND RETCHES

And you enjoy some hepatitis!

COUGHS VIOLENTLY

Ivanka and Jared Kushner? I'm an
assistant district attorney...

Get lost.
..from New York City.

Come in!
Prada suit? Ferragamo shoes?

Oh, my God, genuine New York elite!

I have some questions
regarding irregularities

at the Trump Corporation.

If you won't cooperate, we'll have
to extradite you to New York.

GASPS
You'll take me to New York

and all I have to do
is not cooperate?

Can we do that, Jared?

I warn you, you'll be in jail

with muggers and pickpockets
and gangsters.

Couldn't be worse
than my father's cabinet.

Cuff me, you b*tch.
You beautiful New York b*tch!

Jared, baby, get packed.
We're going home!

Stop right there, Charles.
What are you holding?

Nothing, Mama.

I thought you were visiting
Northern Ireland.

But I see you didn't go.

There's something hidden
in those hands!

BOTH EXCLAIM

Sneaking off with my crown again!

I knew it.

You big-handed twat.

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Ah-ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah-ah-ah

# Oh-ah oh-ah oh-ah

# Oh-ah! #