02x10 - Group of Drunks

[bunniefuu]

- Good?
- Very, yeah.

So, where's Bob tonight?

Um... with his kids.

- Mm-hmm.
- Cool.

: Do it now.

So...

I...

officially apologize.

I-I had a feeling
that might be coming,

'cause, you know, the creepy
candles and the chicken.

Uh, yes, it's why I invited you.

I should not have
read your fourth step.

Those are your private thoughts,
and that was wrong of me.

Well... thank you.

Apology accepted.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

That's... We can... I'll
just do the dishes now.

- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Oh.

Whoa.

Yeah, that's good. Okay.

- Mom, I got to go.

I'm downtown.

- I'll call you later. Yeah.
Thank you all for being here.

Love you. Bye.

It's actually a
special day for me.

Today is my nine-year
sober-versary.

- : Mindy, Mindy.

Stop, stop. You're too much.

- No, don't stop. Never stop.

It's fun.

I get a ton of likes
on social media

because normies love this sh*t.

- But...

honestly, this day is
pretty triggering for me,

and I'm a woman who could
sit through the Saw franchise

- without blinking.

It forces me to
think about who I was

before I was able to
be honest with myself

and everyone around me.

It took so long to gather
the courage to come out,

especially to my parents.

And alcohol was like
this magic potion

that would make the
self-hatred and fear go away,

but I knew that my
addiction was gonna k*ll me.

And when I finally
came out to my parents,

their reaction wasn't perfect,

but it was like a weight
had been lifted off of me.

Being honest was what
allowed me to get sober

and like myself.

- And who would've thought that's something women can do?

- Thanks, everyone.

- Oh, and follow me on Instagram.

Damn.

- That was amazing.

You know, I don't talk to my
family about any of this stuff.

We only talk about
church gossip,

401s and my uncle Kevin.

I really appreciate
what you said up there.

Of course.

- Hello.
Darby, hey.

Hey, I, uh, I know you
don't really do advice,

so I'm just gonna say some
stuff and you can listen, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay, great.

So, here's the
thing, I'm thinking

I will not tell
Alex what happened,

'cause I am pretty sure I'm
gonna get the "it's over" text

- any minute.
- Oh, I get it.

And you think that, like, if
he does break up with you,

then telling him that
you cheated on him

is just kicking him in the nuts.

Yeah, no, exactly,

and I don't want
to do that to him,

'cause I actually
really like his nuts.

Here's the thing, if I don't get

the "it's over" text and
we stay together, then...

Can I just say something?

You literally would never
pass the Bechdel test.

Honey, I'm gonna need
you to get a hobby.

- Call me later.
- Great.

- Hey, Sam.
- Hi, there.

Hey, uh, can we go talk?

- Right now? Sure.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Um...

So, I just really want to
apologize about my behavior

at the festival, I
was being a d*ck.

I'm sorry.

- Oh.
- What?

Sorry, a lot of people have
been apologizing to me lately.

I'm not used to it.

Okay, well, do you forgive me?

- Oh, yeah. Sure.
- Oh, okay.

Also, I should be the
one apologizing to you.

- For what?
- For...

- I just do a lot of stuff wrong.
- Sam, can you just say you accept?

- I totally accept your apology.
- Okay.

There we go. Look at
us. We just did it.

We got through our first fight.

Yeah.

- I mean, mazel tov to us, I guess.
- Yeah.

- Right.
- - Um...

Actu...

It's HR.

I actually have to go

and "formally disclose
our relationship."

- Cool.
- Um, anyways,

I, uh, was thinking
that maybe tonight, uh,

you can come over.

- Mm.
- And, uh,

I can apologize to
you a little bit more.

And maybe, uh, you can
wear your Friday underwear.

Hmm. But it's Tuesday.

Doesn't matter.

So, are you and
Sammy gonna be okay?

'Cause I really don't
want to pick a side.

I was trying to be
Switzerland on this one.

Well, you know, people have
actually condemned Switzerland

for being neutral in
the face of atrocity.

Hmm. Everyone's getting
canceled these days.

Anyway, with Sam...
nothing happened,

and Joel's technically single,

but she's on my
couch and it's a lot.

- I just need a night away from her.
- You know what?

You just need to get
blasted and talk some sh*t.

That's how Tina
and I work it out,

even though you steal my
purple comb every day.

Ay, stop talking caca.

I bought that at
Sally's two years ago.

- You did not.
- I did.

See? Would've m*rder*d her.

Okay, so, what are
you doing tonight?

Because Pete and Trent took
Zacky to a baseball game.

- Wait, what?
- I know.

It's like my dream and
my nightmare all at once.

But, point is, I got
free babysitting,

so we got to use it.

Amazing. Where do
you want to go?

The one place Sam can't.

A bar.

Well, you're looking at
a more private setting.

- Yeah.
- But, uh, maybe next time,

we can take advantage
of the sauna

and get ourselves a schvitz.

See you later, Bobinator.

All right, buddy. Take care.

That was quick.

So, I-I really appreciate
you, um, meeting up with me.

- Like...
- Yes. Wait. Oh, my gosh. Sit.

What happened
with the boyfriend?

Tell me everything.
Did he dump you?

Why are
you smiling so much?

Oh, I just really
like breakup stories.

So much more interesting
than proposal ones.

No, he didn't...
He didn't dump me.

He actually kind of
doubled down on us.

- Congrats.
- So now I guess I have to tell him everything.

Jesus. What is it with you
and telling people things?

I mean, I know we say "you're
only as sick as your secrets"

in the program, but, honey,

maybe you should be a
little sick, you know?

So lie? How would
I even do that?

You know, when I don't
want to say something,

I just keep shoving
food in my mouth.

Huh. I could make that work.

But I'm not telling
you what to do.

- You need to get a higher power.
- Oh, my God.

- I know, I just...
- Get a higher power.

Trying to control these things

is putting your
emotional sobriety

in jeopardy, which, by the way,

I'm not entirely
convinced that you have.

If you don't make sobriety
your number one priority,

you will drink again.

But, honey, if you do,

everything's gonna
fall into place.

Trust me on this one.

- Okay. I got it.
- Okay.

I'm not gonna tell him.

Oh, my God. Shut up and
help me move my stuff.

Wait, a-all of this
stuff is yours?

Yeah. I thought you could
help me load it into my car.

Why do you think you're here?

So, I have to keep the
cast on another week.

But they accidentally gave
me extra fries at McDonald's.

- - The Lord
works in mysterious ways.

Thank you, Hector.

May the Lord protect you
from high blood pressure.

Does anyone else feel
called to testify?

Come on. I know the
Lord has been good.

Anybody else feel
called to testify?

I know the Lord has
been good to you.

Come... James, come on down.

Y'all give him love to come.

Amen.

Hey, everyone.

- - Hey, James.

Uh, feel like my mom
prays for two things:

LeBron to win another ring

and for me to come
back to church.

- And I'm here, so...

I guess prayer works.

Reconnecting with you
all these past few weeks,

it's 'cause of the
love in this room

I'm able to come
clean with you all.

So, I've stopped drinking.

And it's because
of this community

I'm able to stop.

But I struggle
with it some days.

Most days, because, um...

Um...

I'm an alcoholic.

We love you, James.

You've got this, son.

Amen.

Y'all give him some love.

Give him some love.

It takes a village sometimes.

Let's speak on the
love of the Lord. Amen.

Thank you, Brother James.

Ah, this-this seat looks good.

That, uh, that beer
looks good, too.

Uh, barkeep, I will have
one of those, please.

To better days.

Eh, I like that, man.

- To better days.
- Yes.

Women, am I right?

" playing)

- Um...
- Yeah, what's up?

- What?
- You said something.

I said, "Mm, mmm."

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Sorry.

Do you have anything to eat?

I'm, like, super
hungry all of a sudden.

Do you need a
water or something?

I'm afraid you're gonna choke.

- Nah, I'm good.
- All right.

You're alternating
food now.

I can't do this.

Someone gave me some
very bad advice.

About what?
Competitive eating?

I...

Look, I have to tell
you something, but...

I just, I wasn't
sure if I should,

'cause I only became a
person very recently.

Sam, what are you talking about?

I kissed someone else.

Sam never
puts her sh*t away.

- Mm-hmm.
- If I stub my toe one more time on her crap,

- I'm... I am gonna...

And she keeps sneaking her
underwear into my laundry.

- - Oh, please, you don't
have it nearly as bad as I do.

- Mm.
- Zack keeps leaving pennies in the pocket of his jeans.

- Okay?

He broke my laundry
machine, twice.

: Yeah, but
Zacky's a ten-year-old child.

Sam is a full-grown adult.

Is she, though?

I guess I'm just a
sucker, you know?

I mean, I'm actually dating
this woman right now.

Oh, are you?
How's-how's that going?

Good.

Yeah.

She's kind of mean to me.

I sort of dig it.

Uh-huh.

Oh, but her body...

I mean...

it's crazy. I don't...

Oh, is that a fight?

Carol is a wonderful
and complex woman.

I know! I find her interesting!

Oh, my God, is that Bob?

Mess him up, Bob!

Make him say your name!

- Let go of my leg!
Bob!

- Get off of me!

- Oh. Oh.
You get off me.

- Get off of me.

Get off of me.

Are you okay? Ooh! He
really hurt himself.

Is there a doctor? Somebody?

- How about some ice?
- Psst. - What?

Oh, my God. I hate
the Hippocratic oath.

So, can you just make
this make sense to me?

Like, this all happened
after your friend's funeral?

Well, he wasn't
really my friend.

We actually kind of barely
knew each other, but yeah.

- Why didn't you just tell me?
- I don't know, okay?

It was very weird.
I was freaking out.

And then, before I knew it,
I was on my way to Joel's,

- and I...
- Joel?

Who's Joel?

So there was two guys?

So, one wanted to
hook up with you,

- so you went and hooked up with another?
- No.

Listen, we were in
a bad place, okay?

And-and I wasn't even sure if
we were gonna get back together.

No, no, no, no. We
weren't in a bad spot.

We were in a relationship,
and we got into a fight.

That's what happens
in relationships.

But then you went ahead
and cheated on me.

I didn't cheat. Alex,
I didn't cheat, okay?

It was a really quick, like a...

- What is...
- Like a lizard kiss.

- Stop doing...
- It was like...

- Don't do it again, it's gross.
- Sorry. Listen.

I have learned in the program
that I can act like a drunk

even when I'm not
drinking, you know?

A-And I think that's
what this was.

So...

Uh...

I don't think I can do this.

Why? Because I tried
to kiss someone?

- Some-Someones?
- No.

I probably could've
got over that,

but I can't get
over where you are.

I don't think you're ready
to be in a relationship.

You don't?

See, like, you shouldn't
be asking me that question.

I shouldn't?

Or that one.

I'm sorry, but I-I think
you should get out of here.

You do?

Please stop asking me questions.

Right. Sorry.

If I may, the problem is
that y-you put your thumb

inside of your fist
instead of on the outside.

It's all about
form. I'm a trainer.

I got a video, if you want
to see what you did wrong.

Hold up your friend's hand.

Okay, all right. Well, I...

I didn't want you girls
to find out this way,

but this is the man
that Carol left me for.

- What?

No.

Why would
you think that?

Oh, come on, I-I saw
the two of you together.

I mean, Carol can flirt
with the best of them,

but no way. No.

Really?

: H-Hey, don't
be mad at your friend.

I mean, you can... you can...

But next time, instead
of hitting your friend,

get drunk and talk sh*t.

- Okay, baby.

You wrapped him up real
nice. It's time to go.

You know, I love Sam.

- Oh.
- You know, I just, I don't...

I don't want to live with her.

Yeah, she needs to
get her own place.

You know, she needs
to get her own place.

- Uh-huh. Okay.
- Yeah.

Time to go.
Hey, don't tell Sam we were drunk.

Yeah, this is Sam.

What, like, right now?

Samantha Fink?

- Finke?
- Fink.

Nice to meet you, I'm Ron.

It's easy to remember,
because there's an R.

You know, HR, "H Ron."

Plus, I'm a human, so it
works on multiple levels.

Right.

- Thanks, Ron.
- I just want to let you know,

here at Hit Pause,

we want to make sure that no one

is being taken advantage
of by any superiors.

So, I just need to confirm
that you are indeed

in a consensual
romantic relationship

with your boss, Alex.

It's not consensual?

No, no, it's consensual. Sorry.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, should've heard
my heart beating.

- I thought I was gonna have to

fill out the other form.

It is long, there are videos.

- It is an afternoon.
- No, no. I...

We're just not in a
relationship anymore.

What?

But, to clarify, you know
we just received this report

yesterday.

Yeah, we were in a
relationship yesterday.

We're just not today.

Oh.

Well, hold on, I'm-a need

- a very specific form for this.

Okay, so, may I ask
who did the dumping?

Uh... he dumped me.

"He dumped her."

- And was this here at work?
- No, it was at his apartment.

And is his apartment subsidized
by Hit Pause in any way?

Not that I know of.

Can I get my apartment
subsidized by Hit Pause?

Oh, not that I know of.

Right.

Oh. You look like
you need a hug.

That
actually sounds nice.

Well, that is too bad,
because I cannot give you one.

But I can look at you in a
way I think a hug would feel.

Okay.

Mm...

That was kind of nice,
actually. Thanks, Ron.

- I'm glad you enjoyed it.
- I did.

Watch my leaves.

That was the last
good ficus they had.

Okay. Is that it?

You need any more free labor?

No, that's it.

I'm proud of you, baby.

Uh...

- Get in the car!
- Ah.

I don't want
to talk about my breakup.

- Let's talk about your breakup.
- N...

- I think I might actually miss Bob a little.
- I miss him, too.

I just... Bob was just a
little too passive for me.

- Yeah? Yeah.
- Yeah. No, I can see that.

-You know, "take a stand, Bob." Something.
-Right.

And plus, you know, after
Dad, it's like...

how can you top
that, ever, you know?

Well, your dad wasn't perfect.

I know. I know.

But he was... good.

I'm sober and I'm
still not good.

Are you sure he's my
biological father?

- Yes.

- David made mistakes.
- Oh.

Yeah. He didn't floss.

- Uh-huh.
- He sat on the laundry

instead of folding it.

And, um, he, um, and...

he left us for a while.

No, he didn't.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

When you were about
ten months old,

he chose to go to New York,
and he left us behind.

And he spent about a year
there, playing music, and...

Why didn't he just
take us with him?

I think he was spoked
by having a family.

We were young.

He wanted to chase
his dreams, you know.

This feels like
kind of a big deal.

Why didn't you
ever tell me this?

Because you didn't need to know.

Uh...

Samantha, he came back.

And we were okay. Maybe...

maybe better, even.

How did you know it
would get better?

I didn't.

We don't.

- Scary.
- Yeah.

Is what you're going through
now the end of the world?

I don't think so.

Life is long.

So long.

Endless.

- All right.
- Wow.

- Is that a return? Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, obviously.

Look at this thing.
It's so ugly.

Why would you let me buy it?

Well, unfortunately, that
was marked "final sale."

Unfortunately, um,
you should know that

I'm currently the sponsor
of 12 recovering alcoholics,

and if you don't
process my return,

I guess we're just gonna have to
start holding our meetings here.

We'll just sit on all
these beautiful sofas.

Spilling coffee
everywhere. Tears.

- You know what doesn't sell lamps?
- What?

People sobbing about
their alcoholic parents.

Oh, and next week, we're going
through our sex inventories.

- It gets real dark, real fast.

Okay, I get it.

Here.

Nice doing business with you.