01x08 - The Temptation of the Keto Guido

[bunniefuu]

Trying to find the right one to-- to share my life with.

And I don't think the way to find the right one

is by hooking up with a million girls.

I've already done that life. I already k*lled it.

Okay, next.

What's in the future for you guys?

I don't know about the timing,

but she's the one, and I wanna propose to her.

[Pauly D] Whoa.

But the-- [Ronnie] I made one [bleep] mistake.

So you want me to [bleep] tell her

so we can cause a [bleep] fight?

No, I just want you to become a man.

Is that what you want? Stop saying alimony,

stop saying child support. Say, "I love this b*tch,

she's my girl." I do love her.

Like, yes, I love her but--

You don't show that here.

♪ Here I come

Yeah, buddy!

Party's here!

The Situation is under construction.

This might not have been the best idea.

We're so classy now.

On the seventh day, it'll be lit.

Get the frig out of here, you crazy!

♪ Here I come ♪

♪ Think you feel it, think you feel it, feel it ♪

♪ Now it's calling me, calling me out... ♪

[J-Woww] Here's my only advice.

I have a daughter, she's three years old.

I will make sure every guy in her life

puts her so [bleep] above,

that no man is worth her time,

and that's gonna be you in three months

when your daughter is here.

And you will not want what you are in her life.

No, what I used to be. I'm not that person.

So, become the man that your daughter aspires to have.

I am not--

So, then act like it here. I am.

That's it. Just act like it here.

Have I not been acting like it?

Oh, my God.

You don't have to force to be with this woman

because of the child.

[Pauly D] I think Ronnie's conflicted.

Um, he does love this woman.

But as far as if he wants to spend

the rest of his life with 'em,

he keeps telling us that he doesn't know.

I [bleep] got caught up. I [bleep] lost myself.

It's called growing up, Ron.

And I'm growing up. Having a kid, we're having--

Like, it's a lot for me to take in.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It's a [bleep]--

No, look... No, I know.

No, no, no. For real, like, it's a lot

for me to take in, like--

And for me to be this perfect guy

and be this, like... this, like--

Even Pauly said, like, bro, I don't understand

'cause, like, you gotta like...

[Deena] Ron, no one's perfect. No one's perfect, Ron.

♪♪

[Ronnie] Pauly's my go-to at this point. Like...

[Pauly D] There was a lot of angles

he was going through in his head. A lot of angles.

Like, I'm dealing with a lot of [bleep].

It's like, do I wanna be with her, do I not wanna be with her?

Am I having, like-- It's like, am I buying...

It's like, it's just like, so much. It's a lot.

It's a lot, like...

[voice breaking] I don't wanna be the father

that I never had, you know? So it's like,

this is where I need to get my [bleep] together.

Thank you for telling me, like...

Yeah. But, like, I love her.

You do. And, like, she brings out the best in me.

[Ronnie] I'm happy that Jenni called me out,

because it helped me realize

what does make me happy is, you know, being with Jen

and getting ready to start a family

and becoming a different person.

Regardless of where you're going in life,

I just want people to see

the true Ron, that's all I'm saying.

That's what I did this time,

was like, I just tried my best to, like...

I know, and I appreciate that.

And we all love you more for it.

I know. I love all you guys.

We love you. We love you.

Can you get ready?

It's like, we're leaving in five minutes.

We're seeing, like, a lot of t*ts tonight.

So exciting.

[Nicole] We are going to a strip club, Eleven.

There's just hot girls everywhere, it's such a good time.

So I'm super excited to go back

without pregnant woman and, like, live.

Sometimes you gotta get the flyaways,

you know what I'm saying?

Anybody know what time it is?

:... Nope, that's wrong.

It's... ♪ T-shirt time!

They are the worst.

They are the worst.

[all] Boobies!

Cabs are here! Cabs are here!

I love a nice nipple this time of year.

Oh, yeah! Cabs are here!

[Nicole] Yeah, we're going to see t*tties!

[women cheering]

[Vinny] Someone farted. Someone farted.

Open a window. Open a window! Oh! Open a window!

[Situation] C'mon!

Let's go.

Are you here for a good time?

[woman] Yes. Yes!

♪♪

[Pauly D] I'm like a kid in a candy store.

This is heaven to me. This is the best of every world.

I'm worried walking in here.

I'm like, there's naked girls all over the place.

I'm like, ehh, good luck, guys in a relationship.

You know, I'm fine.

♪ Here we are, nick of time ♪

♪ I wanna know what's on your mind ♪

♪ Is it you or are we through

♪ I gotta feel what's left behind... ♪

[J-Woww] I love strip clubs.

I'm feeling alive right now.

I just love beautiful women.

Put me in the strip club and watch what real fun is.

♪ Left behind

Jenni is just blowing my mind.

♪♪

I'm like, who are you?

My soul has left my body and entered Jenni's body.

I'm living vicariously through Jenni right now,

let's just put it that way.

[Pauly D] Jenni is loving life right now.

She actually looks like she works there.

I think Jenni may even like strippers more than I do.

Like, I swear, 'cause like, that's her getaway

from her relationship, sort of.

Like, she can do that and it's not crossing any type of line.

Roger loves it.

♪ I can be your weatherman, I can make it rain ♪

♪ A sweet storm comin', girl, money in the bank ♪

It's literally raining money in the air.

I'm like, oh, my God. And I just go.

I'm on my hands and knees, picking up the ones,

throwing it in my purse, putting it in Mike's shirt.

I'm like, here, you need this.

Like, come on, let's get the money.

♪ Just to see them all running light ♪

♪ I'm the VIP, my money right... ♪

I'm having, like, full-blown anxiety

and I'm sobering up right now,

because Nicole is literally on the ground

stealing the stripper's money.

How do you think they get paid, Nicole?

[Bleep] people make it rain in here.

This is how-- Don't take their money.

[Snooki] I feel like I'm at the Oprah show and she's, like,

throwing money to the audience, and the audience freaks out.

And I see money, and I just go.

♪♪

[Pauly D] Go!

[all screaming]

Oh! Somebody help!

[laughing]

Dude, you're actually getting these girls' numbers?

That's a no-no.

♪♪

We got [bleep] Nicole on the floor like a squirrel

just shoving the dollar bills in her mouth.

Storing 'em like they're nuts.

I'm like, that's kind of their paycheck.

Like, what are you doing?

Like, get the money. Like, why isn't anyone, like, getting the money?

I'm basically stealing strippers' money

and everyone's looking at me weird.

I'm such an [bleep].

♪♪

[Pauly D] I'm having the time of my life.

Almost too much fun. This girl's dancing with me.

I swear, it's like we're having sex.

The only thing that doesn't make that sex

is that I have this much clothes on.

♪♪

[Ronnie] I love my girlfriend. I love my girlfriend.

[chuckling] [Bleep] my life.

It's been a great night, but we gotta get out of here

before somebody gets pregnant.

♪♪

I gotta leave when it's getting poppin'.

[Ronnie] Look at it, it's poppin', bro.

We're not leaving with any girls

because it's very rare that you leave a strip club

with a stripper.

From what I hear. [chuckling]

Eleven is my favorite place on Earth.

Seriously, if you just took my pants off, I had sex.

[Ronnie laughing]

♪♪

Wait, is this our home? Nope. Over there.

[J-Woww] There was so much a*s and t*tties.

[Pauly D] Yeah, it's too much.

I think I got married, divorced, had a side b*tch.

I had it all.

How could they make a place so great?

That was spectacular. I love that place.

I wanna move in.

[Snooki] Why didn't you bring any of them home?

When are you gonna bang a girl?

Nah, nah, nah. I'm trying to find a wife.

I don't want my wife to be in a club like that.

[Pauly D] Listen, I hooked up with a lot of the wrong ones

looking for the right one.

I like strippers,

but I don't love them. I've done that life.

I don't think that's the right way to find a good woman,

is by hooking up with all these randoms.

I had an idea I was thinking about.

Pauly wants to find a wife.

And he hasn't literally slept with anyone here yet,

which I think is so weird.

I think we should all go out,

whether it's like the gym or a bar or, you know,

like getting food, and just everyone

finding one girl for Pauly.

So like, I'll find like, this hot Brazilian girl

with like, big t*ts.

'Cause that's what I know he likes.

I like that.

And then, so we all, like, present our girl to him.

And then-- And then he'll have, like, one-on-ones.

Does he ask questions?Yeah.

We'll have to get roses.

Instead of roses, we should, like, give them

a vodka seltzer or something. Okay.

♪ Well, he said that I was in your dream ♪

♪ Well, I know exactly what you mean ♪

Wassup, girls?

[J-Woww] Oh, hello.

What do we got? What do we got?

The egg frittatas.

I really gotta go ring shopping.

I have no idea what I'm gonna get.

I need your help. I'm down.

Jenni is the most responsible one of the squad,

so it's only natural

that she comes ring shopping with me.

Do you have like, any idea or no?

I have some ideas, but I really need to go and look.

Yeah, 'cause you have to see it.

You can, like, have a lot of fun with rings.

As long as you know her personality.

I am definitely excited to go ring shopping.

I wanna propose to Lauren very soon.

Should we tell Pauly about what we talked about last night?

I don't know, are we?

I thought it was gonna be like a surprise?

[Snooki] No, we should tell him. Do you want me to leave?

Can you write me a note? No, you're gonna be part of it.

No. Oh.

Us girls decided that all the roomies

should go get a different girl for Pauly.

I love that.

And then we'll bring them all, and then you can be like "The Bachelor"

like walking down the stairs. You have to dress really nice and walk down the stairs.

Oh, I love that. And you have like, a one-on-one with all of them.

Are you like, really-really trying to find?

What, am I gonna be single my whole life?

I can't do that. Of course I'm trying.

I don't know, it's-- Hugh Hefner did.

I think if it happens, it happens.

Yeah, that's how I feel. But this may work.

[girls agreeing]

I think the girls are gonna have a hard time

finding what I'm looking for.

I've been looking for it my whole life. [chuckling]

For the love of DJ Pauly D, I love it.

Pauly needs a nice girl, a boss b*tch.

Someone that has a good job and is an independent woman

that doesn't have to rely on him.

So hopefully, we can find someone.

♪♪

[Snooki] It's like the hot girls aren't out during the day.

We saw one riding their bike the other day.

There's one.

[Deena] Oh, she's pretty.

Perfect.

Say hello. Hey!

Hey, b*tch! You're hot!

I'm not-- I can't get my own girl.

[Deena] Excuse me?

[Snooki] Are you single?

[J-Woww] Hi!

[Situation] Hi, guys, how are you?

We are ring shopping.

[woman] You guys are ring shopping?

For his future bride. Yes, we are.

[man] Something like this?

[J-Woww] Mike has no idea what he's getting himself into.

But what guy really does when they get married?

This is beautiful too.

This is a VS G color with . karat.

What?

I gotta be honest, I am a little nervous.

This one has fancy pinks on the outside.

[J-Woww] Pink is in right now.

[man] We have a pink.

You have a pink? They have a pink.

I have a-- Let's see a pink.

Natural pink.

I just fell over. Ooh!

It's a beautiful ring. What does that go for?

[man] This one is appraised for $,.

How do you feel? Ohh...

Um, the price of these rings is definitely overwhelming.

It's like a car on your finger.

I need to get three jobs now.

[Deena] Ooh, there's two girls.

Nicole, there's two hot girls coming.

Where?[Pauly D] Grab 'em, grab 'em.

[Deena] Are you girls single? [Snooki] Are you single?

No, not for us, for our friend.

Not for us.

We're not lesbians. Are you single?

You're single? Oh, you are lesbians?

Oh. No, you're not. Oh, okay.

Kiss!

[Pauly D] My roommates really do care about me.

They're making it a point to find me a lady.

[Snooki] So, we're trying to hook Pauly up with hot girls.

Can we leave a flyer here?

No, find a wife.Yeah.

Help find a wife. Yeah, not hook up.

[Pauly D] I wanted them to find me a nice girl.

Dark hair, light eyes,

tan skin, and a really nice body.

Not too thin, not too thick.

Somebody I wanna talk to after we hook up,

and that's hard to find.

I don't know how the boys do it,

'cause now I feel weird.

♪♪

[woman] Do you have an idea as far as size?

We have a size four and a half...

No, no, no, no. Oh, size of the ring.

Oh! karat, karat.

He's getting a little overwhelmed with it,

I'll be honest. Yes, I'm overwhelmed.

The more pure, I guess, you go,

the lot more expensive it'll be.

[man] $,.

Without the setting.Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, this is a lot of money.

It's set on a four-prong basket setting.

[sighs] So she wears this one?

Both of them.

[man] Both of them. Oh, both of them.

So you have an engage...

You give her one now. You didn't know?

I can tell Mike's getting flustered.

So, this is her engagement ring here.

And she also gets this one?

He's overwhelmed.

And you put that one on when you exchange rings.

Is there anything else she gets too, on top of this?

Your life, your savings account.

Yes. And your ba*ls.

I could see the beads coming, of, like, sweat.

I feel really bad, but I'm like,

this process is not an easy one.

And you gotta get a gift the day of the wedding too.

Whoo! Time out.

Normally, the guy's bands are way cheaper than the girl's.

True.

Lauren has been my rock, so therefore,

she deserves a rock.

But at the end of the day, going through some of the things

I'm going through, I don't know

if I can afford to do this right now.

This is the cheap part, believe it or not.

It is. Oh, my God.

Once you sign the paper, it gets really expensive.

All right, all right. Not even that--

And then you're responsible for everything.

All right, I gotta get out of here.

All right, I gotta get out of here.

Poor thing. He's out.

This is the cheap part, believe it or not.

It is. Oh, my God.

Once you sign the paper, it gets really expensive.

All right, all right. Not even that--

And then you're responsible for everything.

All right, I gotta get out of here.

All right, I gotta get out of here.

Poor thing.

I gotta get out of here.

[Situation] I decided to call it quits today.

I didn't find the right one.

This is something that is so special,

so important to me and my life goals

that I have not achieved yet.

I wanna get engaged, I wanna move forward.

I need to have a Mrs. Situation.

Let's go home.

I can tell you're getting overwhelmed.

I'm overwhelmed. We did our best.

You're not looki-- I can tell

you're not finding what you need.

If you weren't nervous and you were like,

"Pick that one, who cares,"

you're not putting your heart into it.

So, I like that you're nervous.

[Deena] I feel like this is gonna be harder than I thought,

trying to get these fricking girls.

[Vinny] That's what we do every day anyway,

so it is kinda hard.

[Ronnie] Since we're all in relationships

and Pauly's the only one with blue ba*ls,

I got him these. What is that?

Those are blue ba*ls.

His ba*ls.Yeah.

From last night.

Oh, my God. Dramatic.

Gonna be great to help Pauly out with all of his blue ba*ls.

'Cause you know, since he's been here,

he ain't gettin' none.

I'm just trying to-- I'm trying to help my boy out.

Eww, Ron! Ew!

You always said you wanted to know

what I was doing in the shower for so long. Disgusting.

[Vinny] Bro, what the [bleep] is that? Is that a pool?

It's Pauly's blue ba*ls.

[Pauly D] Those things that you beat each other up with.

So we have these blowup, inflatable blue ba*ls.

Why not put 'em on? We're gonna have fun with this.

[laughing] I won!

I can't look at Pauly.

I wanna see Nicole with it on.

[Vinny] This is amazing.

I wanna k*ll myself.

It's just like all you did was take Nicole and Deena

and turn them blue, 'cause they're already meatballs.

Now, they're just blue meatballs.

[Nicole snorting, Deena laughing]

[overlapping chatter, laughter continues]

Hello?Hello?

[muffled speech] Hello?Help!

[Nicole giggling]

God, I can't. They're the worst.

Wait, I'm peeing still.

I am too, like, I am wet.

Oh, I can't breathe in this. It's like hot.

I'm having an anxiety...

[belches] Excuse me.

[snorting laughter]

Come here, meatballs.

[Ronnie] Yo, Deena's used to all this rubber.

No, it hurts my boobies.

[Ronnie laughing] What'd you say, Ron?

You're fat, you b*tch.

It's Chris and Deena having sex. About to have sex.

[laughter]

[Bleep] you! Whoa!

[Pauly D] Whoa! And we got the first one down!

I think we should do a relay race around the pool.

Yeah, let's have a race. The first team to have all arounds, wins.

It's gonna be a relay style, so one goes around the pool,

tags the other, and the winner takes home

the champion of guido games.

Guido Olympics! Let's go! You call it.

On your mark, get set, go!

And the meatballs are off.

[Vinny] Oh, [bleep]. She's quick with it.

[Pauly D] They're falling right here.

Someone's going down, someo-- In the bay!

[J-Woww] Tag your partner! [Pauly D] Go, Vinny!

Come on, Vinny! Come on, Vinny!

[scattered chatter, laughter]

I'm so exhausted. [J-Woww] Where'd they go?

[Pauly D] See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!

[Snooki] Ahh! Mike fell!

Mike, you all right? I almost broke a heel.

Yo, you k*lled that [bleep], my guy.

Guido Olympics! Guido champions!

Guido champions!

We love relay races.

We are like, the most competitive people.

We might be meatballs, but we're competitive.

Love you, bye. Bye!

Oh, my God, I look like a fat--

I look like Mama June.Same.

Let's all run into each other. Ready? One...

Two, three, go. Two, three.

[all screaming]

[Pauly D] Meatballs down! Meatballs down!

They always fall.

[Vinny] Are you okay?

Somebody help.

Yo, you're the worst friend.

[Nicole laughing, snorting]

♪♪

[Situation] What time you trying to go out tonight?

Like :, :. You down?

Yeah, definitely. We're doing Mokai tonight.

I'm not drinking tonight. [Ronnie] Yeah, I'm not going out.

No? No?

Nah, I'm gonna stay in tonight. All right.

MVP decided to go back to Mokai.

Usually, a criminal

doesn't return to the scene of the crime,

so I don't really want to go back there, you know?

That's how the criminals usually get caught.

Time you got?

I can't get to my Fitbit with my buttoned up sleeves.

Shirt's too tight. Shirt's too tight.

Yo, my man Vinny's keto style is questionable.

Like, he used to be a guido.

But now he dresses completely different.

He's slimmed down, his jeans are skinnier,

his shirts are tighter.

And he even buttons the top button now.

Bro, you're so not extra.

You're like a priest at Sunday morning church.

[both laughing]

Lord, please bless my friend Pauly

that he receives an abundance of females

on his p*nis tonight.

Amen. In the father...

[both] ...and the son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

I'm changing my shirt.

[laughing]

We're going to hell.

[Pauly D] Cabs are here. [Situation] Let's put it in.

M... V... P!

[all shouting, laughing]

I have a good feeling about tonight.Yeah?

There's nothing to weigh us down tonight

except Pauly's chain.

♪♪

I have a feeling it's gonna be good in here.

[Vinny] Oh, yeah, Pauly's bringing home a girl tonight.

[men chuckling]

Pauly's definitely bringing home a girl tonight.

♪♪

[Pauly D] This place is packed. There's nothing but girls.

The girl-to-guy ratio is insane.

There's like, booties everywhere.

I'm not really looking for that one night stand

like I used to be, but this is heaven for me.

♪♪

♪ What you need mama? I need a playa with a 'lac ♪

♪ Shopping sprees overseas give me money by the stack ♪

♪ What you need daddy? I need a girl that bring the heat ♪

♪ A freak in the sheets but a lady in the streets ♪

♪ What you need mama? What you need daddy? ♪

♪ What you need mama? What you need daddy? ♪

[Vinny] This, you know, having too much alcohol

is definitely not good for my keto diet.

I'm allowed some in moderation.

This probably wouldn't be considered moderation.

♪♪

[Situation] Everyone's having a good time.

They're all drinking, there's girls around.

I'm thinking to myself, like, my boy Vinny

needs to be careful,

because when you're partying a little too hard,

next thing you know, you forget, "Do I have a girl?"

[Pauly D] I had no idea Vinny could interior decorate.

He's decorating the booth with beautiful women.

[Vinny] Well, right now, I am a victim of evolution.

A big, fat booty is my weakness.

So I'm definitely, you know, dying right now

looking at big, fat asses, you know what I mean?

Like, I wanna put my face on it.

I wanna put my drink on it.

[Pauly D] So much beautiful women all over this place.

I think my man Vinny's gonna need Jesus tonight

if he wants to stay with his girlfriend.

[Vinny] When I'm out in a club without my girl,

I usually like to talk to the, uh, bottle girls.

'Cause usually, they'll be nice to you,

but they don't like, turn up with you.

They're there to do a job.

But these bottle girls are, like, turning up.

♪♪

[Situation] Vinny right now is going down a dangerous path.

He's talking to this really cute bottle girl.

And dude, you're playing with fire right now.

You're gonna get burned.

♪♪

Um, right now, the struggle is real for Vinny.

He loves his girl, but after a couple bottles of alcohol,

he also loves this girl that we're talking to right now.

Go figure.

Dude, you for real right now?

You're actually getting these girls' number?

Like, dude, that's-- that's a no-no.

[Situation] I'm gonna pull Vinny away right now

before he makes a Ronnie-level mistake.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Where's the-- where the cab's at? I'm trying to let you have fun,

but you're gonna get in trouble. Where's the cabs at?

I got you, I got you, I got you. I know. I know. I know. I know.

Where the cabs at? Whoa, whoa.

[Vinny] The waitress is like, my wife.

Oh, I loved her so much. Uh, no! No!

Me and my girl are gonna marry her.

Ugh, I hate being so drunk and incoherent.

[Situation] These guys right here are a total disaster.

Now being sober, unlike these two right here,

I'm gonna just go to sleep and I'll be fine when I wake up.

Whoa, whoa.

Okay, okay. Here, come on.

Yo, take me to the club, dog.

Come on. Come on, son.

Maybe I went a little bit too hard.

[Situation] Just wanna make sure you get in.

All right? Good night.

[Vinny snoring]

♪ Never got lost in the feeling ♪

♪ Never just fell so deep in

♪ Then I got tangled up in you ♪

♪ Never felt like time was frozen ♪

♪ Never just split wide open

Wanna go to the gym?

No, I'm like dead.

Where's everyone else? They left?

I don't think anyone's up.

Still sleeping?

I'm gonna see if anybody's up.

[Ronnie laughing]

You know you went hard when Pauly's laying like this.

I don't feel very good.

How was it? Good?

Pretty good time? Yeah?

Ah, [bleep].

[Vinny] Me and Pauly drank two bottles by ourselves.

I don't really remember much after that.

See, the problem is, now that Mike is sober,

me and Pauly have to drink his share.

And, uh, keto guido

is not cut out to drink two bottles of vodka.

Yes, Vinny, yes!

[overlapping chatter]

[Snooki] Cheers to Vinny and Pauly. [Deena] Yes, Vinny!

k*lling it! You guys are meatballs. Whoo!

[sighing] I'm gonna die. Like right now.

I can't wait to make all the funeral arrangements,

that's fun.

[belching]

[Jenni laughing] Ooh.

I smell throw-up. I did. [giggling]

You had this phone last night?

[J-Woww] Like, I know that the boys had this iTouch last night

and they're always taking videos and pictures

every single time they go out.

And there's numbers in here.

[J-Woww] "Andrea and Olivia. Mokai girls"?

They're the waitresses.

Oh, you got their numbers?

What did I miss last night? Oh yeah, we did.

"Olivia Mokai, blonde."

[Vinny] Oh [bleep]. What did I do?

Time to pay the piper.

I have to call my girl

and let her know what happened last night.

Calling your girl?

Yeah. Oh, wait for me!

What's wrong with you guys?

It's gonna be even bigger later if you don't do this.

Yeah, I know.

This gonna be a good one.

When you're in a relationship,

you gotta call and check in, know what I'm saying?

Make sure everything is good. [woman]Hello?

Hi. Um, all right.

E?What?

[Pauly D] At this point, Elicea is scared to answer that phone.

Every single time that he calls her,

it's an explanation of a crime he committed at "MoCrimes."

Full disclosure, and whatever,

'cause I don't think I did anything wrong.

But last night, we were at the club

and we were turning up

with, like, the waitresses the whole night.

So then, she's like, "Here, take my number."

And she put both girls' numbers in the phone.

Like, the two waitresses that were hanging out, as friends.

And all my roommates are like,

"You got a girl's number last night! You got a girl's number last night!"

I got... 'Cause you did.

I did, but I got two girls' numbers at the same time--

Well, if I got a guy's number, would you [bleep] like it?

Oh, my God.

With your girlfriend at home,

getting a b*tch's number out doesn't look good for you.

It wasn't one. It was two.

[chuckling] What kind of guido math is that?

It's not personal. Great, make it five.

[sighing] Everybody's talking about it,

and now it's a big [bleep] deal

that you could have avoided by not doing that.

Okay. Sorry about it.

More. No, I'm sorry I did that.

Are you gonna call these girls?

No.

[Elicea sighing]

So, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Yeah. All right.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, my God.

[Vinny] I'm getting, like, charged for m*rder right now.

Meanwhile, all I did was like, give someone a paper cut.

You know, don't think about it.

If it was one girl that I was talking to,

that I was dancing with, that I brought home

the whole night, then I'd be Ronnie.

[Pauly and Vinny laughing]

First of all, first of all,

I brought home nine girls. Just for the record.

[Pauly D] You guys finding me a wife today?

Yeah.

You guys got a harder job than you think, you know?

It's easy to find a girl, but trying to find a good one.

That's true.

So don't [bleep] this up, bro.

You know I know what you like, boo.

Bye, boys. Good luck.

So, it's Operation: Find Pauly D Some Love Today.

[J-Woww] Hey, baby.

You wh*res, I didn't know you were leaving.

Us girls and the boys, we figure divide and conquering

would be the best bet right now.

♪ She took the train, we on the level ♪

♪ What you think, she acting bad ♪

[Deena] One of us goes to Ocean Drive,

one of us goes to the artsy part of Miami.

So we get some, like, sexy beach girls

and we get some artsy, classy girls,

so Pauly has a choice of what he wants.

[Snooki] I think he needs a normal chick, like on our level.

Not too prim and proper.

Right.

There is nothing prim and proper about us.

No, we're disgusting human beings.

♪♪

[Ronnie] Excuse me?

Oh, that's all right. Forget it.

Thickness.

I would love to find DJ Pauly D a girl

like my girl Lauren, who holds it down.

A good idea would be, like, to hold like a big sign up.

Yep. So we can see like, who's interested.

Yeah. Definitely.Or not.

I'm gonna go check if there's like a store or something,

and then I'll be right back.

We either get creepy

where it's like, we're just walking up to random girls...

A'ight... Oh!

...or we just act like it's a car wash.

Like, guido car wash. Get your Pauly D here special.

Do you want Pauly's D? Get your Pauly's D here.

Get your Pauly D!

[Deena] I see a lot of old people.

[Snooki] I think I saw my grandma over there.

Definitely gonna have better luck

finding girls at the beach.

[Ronnie] Get your Pauly D.

Get your Pauly's D.

Okay, a little slow so far, fellas.

[Ronnie laughs]

Is anybody single?

[Snooki] Not for us!

Yeah, not for us!

For a hot guido!

Nicole, , preggers. Got it.

Spiky guido! He's like a porcupine.

What about you, are you taken?

Wanna like, give her out for the night?

Let's see some boobies! Yes!

Boobs! Boobs!

Bravo!

This is why we don't find any. Yep.

How old are you guys?

Okay. Okay.

[Ronnie] When we were like, let's go find

Pauly a girl in Miami, I was like, [bleep],

just walk right out the door and just scoop up

like, ten of them.

So we got two year olds and a pregnant chick.

[all laughing]

We failed. An epic, legendary fail.

The pregnant chick was hot.

Okay, you can tell Vin hasn't gotten laid in a while.

[chuckling]

[Situation] I am sure that the girls

are having better luck than the boys right now.

Well, this was a bust.

We got nobody. Not one. I hope the boys had better luck.

I don't think we're gonna find anything

for Pauly D right here.

[Situation sighing] Mission unsuccessful.

Yeah, that sucked.

Yo.

[Situation] The squad must reconvene

and think of a backup plan,

because we have no chick for DJ Pauly D.

It was an epic fail.

Even you guys? Like, nothing, right?

Epic fail, I got two -year-olds,

one pregnant chick, and a girl who don't speak English. We got nothing.

We got literally people saying "no, thank you." Yeah.

I'm a little embarrassed right now.

I feel a little defeated.

Like, we got nobody for Pauly,

and he's probably gonna be so excited

thinking that we did, and that's so sad.

Maybe we went about it all the wrong way.

Abort mission. Abort mission.

What's his favorite dessert? Maybe we should make it.

Chocolate cake?

Should we make him a favorite dessert and be like, sorry?

That was a good idea.

He loves sweets.

We'll make him a cake, we'll put an "I'm sorry" on it.

And then, you know, at least he could eat his sorrows.

[J-Woww] Does he like funfetti? Yes.

Should we make a funfetti?

Yeah.

[Vinny]Damn!

You're looking like a whole snack.

You didn't know I could be this sharp.

Damn, bro.

I can be this sharp.

Someone looking like a whole snack tonight.

Mm-hmm.Let me sit on your bed.

What'd you get for me? Anything good?

You're gonna like this.

Got something tasty, sweet, and fun too.

I know you won't let me down. Nah.

[Pauly D] Vinny gets me, he knows exactly what I like,

exactly what type, and he knows exactly what I'm looking for

at this point in my life.

[Vinny] Look at him.

What's up, brother? Oh, [bleep]!

All dressed up, he's about to find his Lauren,

you know what I'm saying? He's looking all tight and whatnot.

DJ Pauly D!

I don't dress up often. Only on special occasions.

That's right. You know we actually baking

a cake for you right now. Oh yeah?

Oh, my God. Funfetti's and all.

Oh, nice.

This kid cannot keep a secret if he tried.

Oh, my God.

Like, bro, the cake was the surprise.

What the [bleep] are you doing?

to ... This kid Mike

is the stupidest mother[bleep] ever in my, in my life.

What'd he say? What'd he say? Why?

Did he ruin it?

I go up and talk to Pauly, right?

This whole like, "You're gonna like it.

Got something really fun."

Mike walks in the room and goes,

"Yo, we're making a funfetti cake for you."

Shut the [bleep] up! Oh my God!

Can he just go away?

I don't know what Mike did back in the day,

but it's like he has no more brain cells left.

I'm done, I'm going to bed.

Like, b*tch, it's a secret.

You just ruined the [bleep] secret.

[all yelling at Mike]

[Deena] We're telling you zero things--

Didn't we say the cake was a surprise?

Yeah, you're not gonna know any secrets.

You're on the outside of the circle.

I told him we're making him a cake.

Why? You weren't supposed to!

No! Why?!

We were gonna give him the cake. That was the surprise.

No, it's his special-- it's his special night.

Now he knows. That was our surprise.

I am so f... mad right now at Mike.

Now Pauly's expecting a girl and a cake.

Just end it for me, end it.

[Situation] [Bleep] cake's a cake. You can't be mad, man.

This is funfetti.

Everyone loves funfetti cake.

I'm sorry, I love funfetti cake.

So [bleep] keep that to yourself.

Hey. We put a lot of hard work

and effort into today

to find you the perfect somebody.

So come on, let's go.

[Pauly D] I waited all day, and so now I'm like, super nervous.

Like, they must have somebody great for me.

[Nicole]Ooh! [overlapping chatter]

[Deena]So sexy!

So hot. Thank you.

Vinny went to go get her.

Get comfy. You might get a lap dance.

Uh-oh.

Are you nervous? We're very nervous.

[Deena] Getting red.

Are you ready? Yeah, you ready?

[Pauly D] Oh, I'm ready. All right, Pauly's ready.

Vinny, bring out... Pauly's ready.

[girls] Victoria!

[Pauly D] Super anxious.

I'm like, what did they find? No idea.

Oh, hey, boo!

What the [bleep] is that?!

[all laughing]

What is that?

[Ronnie] What is that, velvet?

[Snooki]Velvet. [all laughing]

[J-Woww] Why do I have to see your bulge?

[Snooki] Oh, my God.

All you girls out there,

the love of your life could be right in front of you,

and this is proof that real love does exist

and there's hope for you guys out there.

I'm so excited. Oh, my God.

[Snooki] Looks like Jesus.

♪ Tell me you want me

She's gorgeous!

[all laughing]

She's gorgeous.

My baby!

This is the perfect woman.

[J-Woww] Burger buns.

[Deena] It's so tight on him.

I've been waiting for this my whole life.

[all laughing]

It's been you all along.

I mean, Victoria is stunning.

It's like, everything I could ever want in a man.

This is the best day of my life.

Finally we can announce it.

Finally we can talk about it.

He has nice boobs. Eww, he's sweaty.

You're the worst date ever. I don't want a girl that sweats so much. Eww!

[J-Woww] Worst day of my life!

[Vinny] I should call her.

Yes. Yes. I'm here for you. I'm supportive.

[Vinny] Last night, I called my girl

about getting the bottle girl's number,

and got in trouble.

I am confused about what my girl is so upset about.

[dial tone]

Hello? Hello?

Yeah?

Are you okay? I don't know.

I remember you being upset at me,

so I kinda wanted to talk about it.

You just had an attitude and were being a [bleep].

Thank you for being honest.

Thank you for being transparent.

Thank you for not doing

all the worst things that you could be doing.

But you wanna act like what you did

was so appropriate and fine. You shouldn't have done it.

Very calm. He's very calm on the phone.

He's very calm.

Relationship's difficult, and he's very calm.

My mind is boggled.

Like, it was just like two girls' numbers.

Communication. That's what I always say.

It's a thing, people do that.

Me and Pauly do it. Everyone does it.

That's not making it any better.

You're missing the [bleep] point.

Sorry.

No, you're not. Won't happen again.

I don't want your [bleep] band-aid apology.

You don't want an apology, and then you don't want me

to like, talk about it. So what do I do?

Transparency. Is another.

Hello?

There's so many different levels of relationships

in this house, it's insane.

You got the Vinny-Elicea relationship,

which is interesting.

Mike and Lauren's dynamic, interesting.

Ron and Jen, interesting.

Big time.

Like, what the [bleep]?

There's so many relationships in this house, I don't need one.

You're missing the point...

No, you're missing the point. ...and I can't argue with you.

Whatever, dude. You're not gonna get it,

and that's why I don't want your apology.

I don't wanna [bleep] argue with this [bleep].

It's just like, I have to [bleep] deal with it or I don't.

Yo, relationships are mad hard.

Relationships-, let's rage! South Beach.

Hello?

[dial tone]

I need to have a Mrs. Situation.

[woman crying] Oh, my God.

Whoo!

We're going to the Bahamas, b*tches!

[all screaming]

What could go wrong?

You think I'm a dirty little hamster?

Oh, [bleep]!

I'm the baddest b*tch of the "Jersey Shore" and I'm back.

Not once did you try to make amends

in eight [bleep] years. How am I gonna make amends to you?

You left with trash bags in [bleep] Miami.

It is harmless fun.

The last [bleep] night. It is whipped cream.

Did you not say that?

Do you want me to go in on you right now?

Shut your [bleep] mouth.

You got nothing, bro! [bleep] facts!

End of the [bleep] story. Bottom line.

I love watching people spiral this time of year.

[Nicole screams]

[men screaming]

I wanna just let you know that we do not stereotype Italians.

[mock Italian accent] Now get the [bleep] outta here!

Facts! Fuggedaboutit! [swearing in Italian]