10x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening, and welcome to
Would I Lie To You?

The show with unvarnished truths
and highly polished lies.

On Lee Mack's team tonight,

a man who's spent his whole career
sitting next to a comedy genius,

so tonight will be a welcome change
for him - it's Bob Mortimer.

APPLAUSE

And a comedian and actress who's
been described as having a bit of

Morecambe and Wise about her.

Hopefully,
they mean Eric's quick wit

and not Ernie's short,
fat, hairy legs -

it's Diane Morgan.
APPLAUSE

And on David Mitchell's team
tonight,

winner of
The Great British Bake Off,

she's in such demand

that last December she was asked to
go to Luton and

turn on their Christmas light -
it's Nadiya Hussain.

APPLAUSE

And he's an actor and comedian who
had his own show

where he cycled around
Northern Ireland.

Dressed head-to-toe in Lycra is how
I chose to watch it -

Michael Smiley.
APPLAUSE

And so we begin with Round 1 -
Home Truths,

where our panellists each read out a
statement from the card in front of

them. To make things harder,

they've never seen the card before,

they've no idea
what they'll be faced with,

and it's up to the opposing team to
sort the fact from the fiction.

Michael is first up.

Michael, please reveal all.

OK.

"I have developed a technique to
help me deal with annoying idiots."

Lee, do you want to kick this one
off?

LAUGHTER

Well, first of all, who do you find
is an annoying idiot?

I mean, what type of people?

Just, you know, the GP.

You know, the General Public wind me
up from time to time.

OK. And I really want to tell them
how I feel,

and instead of doing that I scat.

You do what? What?

I, uh...I scat.

Can I ask at this point...

what is a scat?
Do you know what a scat is?

Like jazz....jazz scatting, isn't
it? It's like, the old jazz scat,

yeah. It's your basic jazz rap.

So, you must make random noises?

Let's...
Can we have a scenario now, right?

Is it a...? That's a very negative
view of music, Lee.

It's jazz, though.

Fair enough.

So, if I'm the doctor...

Yeah. ..what would annoy you
if I was a doctor?

If you kept me waiting for too long
and then,

say you come into the reception room

and I thought I was next...
Right. ..and I went to get up

and then you picked somebody else,
for example. OK, well, imagine that

scenario, OK? OK. So, I walk in, you
think I'm going to see you,

and I go, "Mr Brydon,
we've got the results of your test."

And I'd go, "Oh for the
bampity-bampity, le-bampity, bam...

"Da-da-da-dah."
HE MUMBLES ANGRILY

"Bom-bom-bom-da-da-dah pow!"

It's an STD.

LAUGHTER

Do you promise me that you
always do it out loud?

You don't just do it in your mind?

I always vocalise it.
Otherwise, if I don't let it out,

it might turn into a haemorrhoid.

I must say, that explains a lot.

Well, imagine now, imagine I've made
you angry, OK?

Perhaps he's given you an STD.

LAUGHTER

At least have the decency to say
I've given it to him via his wife.

Watch him now. Go on, jazz scat him,
quick!

I haven't got any
babidee-bap-da-diddlygo-da-da-dah

dah-bam-bam-bam-bam.

Yeah! See-babbidee-boo-bap!

See-babidee-boop-boop-boop! Baaaaah.

LAUGHTER

Wow.

This is really weird.

When was the last time you had to
employ it, Michael?

Oh, I'd say...

God, about two weeks ago.

Yeah? What happened? The classic
thing of the, you know,

the tourist walking out of the
department store and stopping.

And I wasn't paying attention and I
walked up and they were there in

front of me, and I went "Why did you
fuh-foh-feh-foh-fah-ba-bee-dee..."

And walked round them
and carried on walking.

What are you thinking, Diane? Does
this have the ring of truth for you?

Yeah, it does. He seems really
convincing.

Don't you think? Mmmm, I don't know.

Why are you getting so upset in the
first place?

Why don't you just be like me and
really just laid-back?

Just get outside the department
store and just stop and enjoy life.

When I've ever left a department
store, I'm always sprinting.

LAUGHTER

It's very bizarre behaviour.
If you encountered it, you know?

You can't spend your life doing
that.

So, what are you going to say?

So we're going to say...
You're saying true,

you're going to say lie. Yeah.
I'm going to have to go lie.

It can't be true.
You're saying it's a lie.

OK, Michael Smiley,
was it the truth or was it a lie?

Oh ye of little faith.

It is the...truth. Aw! O-o-o-o-oh!

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true - Michael does have
a technique to deal

with annoying idiots and it is
scatting. Diane, you're next.

"I once dumped a boyfriend,
because I didn't like the way

"he fell down the stairs."

APPLAUSE

David's team.

How often had you been pushing him
down the stairs?

I just hid his wheelchair.

If you've been affected by any of
the issues

raised in tonight's show...

How did he fall down the stairs?

What was the...? Very ungainly.

What kind of stairs did he fall
down? Where was he?

It was just outside his flat
and there was, like,

five steps and then another five
steps.

You know those ones that go sort of
in different directions?

Concrete steps? Yeah, concrete.

So this is nasty, this isn't...

It was a nasty fall, yeah.

Yeah. Did you finish with him,
because he was so badly injured

he was no use to you?

This is sort of, like, the last
straw, really.

What was the other straws?

There were so many straws.

Tell me one.

He used to fall out of cupboards.

He was quite mean, he was quite a
mean person.

Can you walk us through the
scenario? What happened?

Yeah, OK. So, we're leaving his
flat, he locks the door,

he loses his footing on the steps,
makes a little scream.

And he just fell.
How many stairs did he go down?

Because the way you've described it,
there were corners.

Did he go round the corners?

I think... He's a man, not a slinky!

No, he did.

He did.

So, how did you react? Did your
compassionate side come out?

Well, I asked him if he was all
right,

and then I sort of made a mental
note to cut him out of my life.

So, what are you going to say?
Nadiya, does it ring true for you?

Did you want to leave him
before the fall?

I'd been thinking about it.
Yeah, cos it was the last straw.

It was the last straw, yeah.

But she only offered up one straw.

If I had a resentment against an
ex-lover,

I could give you a shortlist off the
top of my head.

Even that was a bit scatty. Yeah.

SCATTING: Waking up and seeing her
in bed with the milkman. Ooh!

I think it might be true.
You're saying true?

We're going to go with true.
Saying true. Yeah. Diane -

truth or lie. It is actually...

True. Yes.

Wow.

It's true. Diane did dump
a boyfriend

because of the way
he fell down the stairs.

Nadiya, you're next.

Right.

"To celebrate her last birthday,

"Mary Berry and I went tenpin
bowling."

Lee's team. Which one did you go to?
She'll say, "Hollywood Bowl."

Hollywood Bowl.
It was the Hollywood Bowl?

Hollywood wasn't with us, though.

Why did you not invite him?
Do you not get on? No, not really.

No, he's very...

We'll just edit it at that bit
and leave it at that.

Just don't like him,
just don't like him. He's um...

And also his head is so orange,

you could accidentally pick it up
and throw it down the thing.

Put your fingers up his nose and in
his mouth

and end up accidentally
bowling him, like that. "Argh!"

He was busy. Was Mary good at
bowling?

She's pretty good, she's quite fast,
yeah.

And are you quite good?
No, I'm rubbish.

The thing is, I don't understand
bowling.

All I know is that I need a size
eight ball, that's it.

Don't!

Do you go out a lot with
Mary in your spare time?

No, because it would look like she
let me win, so we can't really

publicly... You mean the Bake Off?
Yeah, it would just look awful,

wouldn't it? "Look at her having a
great time with the winner of..."

Did she let you win?

No. Cos it's hard to tell when you
watch it on telly.

You don't how dry the cake is.
Yes, she did, I can't bake.

No, no, it's true, isn't it?

You never quite know. You have to
trust Hollywood and Berry.

They could be just going, "Say she's
the winner, she'll take us bowling."

Did you and Mary together get a lot
of hassle from other people in the

bowling alley? We picked a good time
when it was quite quiet,

so it kind of... What time is that?

It's kind of between four and six.

In the morning? No...

Although I think she wouldn't mind
a drink at four.

She'd happily have a drink
at four o'clock in the morning.

Right, this is all going on record.
So Mary Berry drinks at four

in the morning and she cheated to
let you win the cake-making.

When you got to the end of the
bowling, did you have a meal

or did the group just split, then?
No, we had...while we were bowling,

we had lots of food kind of brought
over to us,

so we had lots of chips and
nachos... Lots of finger food?

Yeah. Always makes you think,
"What's in the holes?"

Oh, no, I never thought of that.

So, what are you thinking, Lee?

Is that the truth? For what it's
worth, I'm saying no, lie.

It's a lie. What are you thinking,
Diane?

Oh, see, I think it's true.

Why do you think it's true?

Cos it's quite a dull story.

That is your trailer.

So, you're saying a lie, Diane's
saying it's true.

This time I'm going to go with
Diane... You're saying it's true?

..say it's true, yeah. OK. Nadiya,
truth or lie?

It's a lie. Ugh!

Well done.

Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of
our panellists. This week,

each of Lee's team will claim
it's them that has the genuine

connection to the guest and it's up
to David's team to spot

who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Michael.

Right, we'll start with Diane.

What is Michael to you?

This is Michael.

I once punched him in the face,
because I thought he was a ghost.

Bob, how do you know Michael?

This is Michael and after cutting
his hair,

I got a job on a campsite as a
hairdresser.

And finally, Lee, what's your
relationship with Michael?

This is Michael. Together we helped
free a donkey

that had trapped itself
in a cubicle of a seaside toilet.

So, there we have it.
Is Michael Diane's ghostly guy?

Bob's campsite client?

Or Lee's donkey do-gooder?

David's team, where would you like
to start?

Um, well, Diane.

Where were you when you mistook
Michael for a ghost?

I was backstage at
the Theatre Royal, Bath.

And what were you doing there?

I was in a play. What happened?
You were in the dark,

waiting to go on in the wings?
I was in the wings.

In the wings, waiting to go on?
And...

I'd been told a ghost story about
this...

The Theatre Royal, Bath is haunted.
Where was Michael?

What was the story?

Well, that the theatre was haunted.

They said that about once a week,
this ghost,

a man with white hair would float
around the theatre.

So, you heard that story...
I'm standing in the wings...

Uh-huh. ..I turn round,

and I see... Well, I know it's
Michael now,

but at the time, I thought it was
the ghost cos of the hair.

And I sort of inadvertently
punched him.

And what was he wearing?

He was wearing quite dark clothes,
because he was, you know,

working backstage.

He looked like he was kneeling on
some sort of prop,

so he looked like he didn't have any
legs.

That's what made me think,
"Oh, my God! It's the ghost!"

So, he had sort of sidled up and
knelt on something?

Yeah. I have to say, I have slightly
less sympathy for Michael now

I realise that what he did is he
sort of crept up behind you

and knelt there.

That is slightly creepy behaviour,
isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah. I did ask him why he was
kneeling on the bookcase.

I imagine that, at that point, he
was also asking you why you hit him.

Yeah. Which presumably...

Did he answer you? Was he able to
say why he was kneeling on there?

Yeah, he said there weren't any
chairs backstage.

All right, who next?

Bob. You cut Michael's hair and
this was on a campsite.

Yeah. How did you come to...

Cos you're not a hairdresser,
are you?

I'm a hairdresser, David.

You had previously worked as a
hairdresser, had you?

I'm from a family, I'm the youngest
of four boys,

and in my family, tradition is that
the eldest is a priest,

then a lawyer...
LAUGHTER

..then a teacher and then a
hairdresser. So...

So it fell to me
to take up the scissors.

I was given my first set of scissors
when I was 13.

I actually had a pair of scissors
when I was younger than that.

Were you the fourth child?
No, no, it wasn't...

It was more for, you know, cutting
out bits of coloured paper and...

No, these, no, no, these were
Japanese steels, these were Yasukis.

Right, OK.

So, you...

you were given these hairdressing
scissors at the age of 14.

Yes. Had you undergone any further
training

or just were encouraged to
experiment?

Well, here's the rub, because
Michael, or Micky as he's known,

Micky the Drink, he's...

Why is he called Micky the Drink?

Ah.

Anyway, so, he was one of the first
people that I ever gave a haircut

to as a young boy, as one of my
friends.

And then fast forward to 1982,

I go to the World Cup in Spain.

There was Michael,
Billy the Pigeon...

Gentle Ken... Billy the Pigeon?
Gentle Ken...

Why's he called Billy the Pigeon?
Always finding his way home?

No, he's a pigeon.

Because he had, like, a flat chest.

We all went to Spain, we were on the
campsite for the England fans.

I, as always, gave Micky his
haircut,

and the one man army from
Nottingham,

the Nottingham Forest fan, who
caused all the trouble out there,

he demanded that he had a haircut.

What trouble did he cause out there?

Well, for example,

he rushed to the cafe that we were
in and threw a coin like that.

Could've damaged anyone.

Luckily, it went straight in the
slot machine and won the jackpot.

I'm just going on here, it was
really a rather simple story.

So, I cut Micky's hair as I've done
since he was 13...

So you'd cut his hair regularly,
you first did it when he was 13...

When he was 13. ..and you were his
regular hairdresser.

No, that would be a lie, but I would
always cut Micky's hair.

I was seen doing this,
and before you knew I,

over the course of the next ten
days,

I probably did 50 to 60 haircuts.

And were you paid for these
haircuts?

I probably was, but in kind.

Oh, no.

The only thing any of these English
fans could say was

"Huevos solo," and that got
you an egg sandwich.

And I seem to remember that people,
cos I was cutting hair,

it was always in the morning that
someone would bring me...

"Mate, you're busy cutting hair,
have a huevo solo."

So, you were paid in egg sandwiches?
I think maybe I was.

I don't, I think... And you did 50
haircuts over, what, how many days?

I think it was probably eight days.

So you're having 50 egg sandwiches
over eight days?

I mean, I'm interested in the
haircuts themselves.

Yeah. Was there a signature style?
It was the early '80s,

were there mullets going on?
I mean, what was the look?

It was a feathered look
I was expert at.

Where I'm from,
it's called the foffer.

You'll probably think of it like
Rod Stewart.

Oh, it's a lovely look.
Layered at the bottom, yeah?

Yes. Do you still cut hair now?

Oh, not so much now, Rob. I...

To be honest with you, I can't...
I can't do the new cuts.

Did you hear that?
"I can't do the new cuts."

I can't do the new cuts, no. Right,
what about Lee and the donkey?

So, Lee, tell us your story.

I was at the seaside. I went to...
Whereabouts? Blackpool.

When was this? This was last year,
believe it or not. Last year...

Only last year,
since the last series

and why it hasn't cropped up so far.
Fair enough, fair enough.

On holiday or were you summer
seasoning there?

Summer seasoning?
Doing a summer season?

I'm not a juggler.

They have comedians in Blackpool.

Or were you giving a keynote speech
at the

Conservative Party Conference?

All right, I was doing a summer
season.

No, I was just, I was on a little
weekend break.

I decided to take my family
to Blackpool.

What sort of loos are these?

Public toilets on Blackpool
seafront.

So, you go into the loo... I go into
the loo... Yeah, where's...?

..to use the toilet.
Where's the donkey?

The donkey is in the cubicle. The
door was shut and I did that thing

where I looked underneath,
and I just saw two hooves.

LAUGHTER

I said, "Will you be long, mate?"

Which way was the donkey?

Which way? Which way in was he?

He was actually facing outwards,

so the bottom was stuck
in the cubicle

and the head was sticking out
the front.

So, he reversed in, did he?

No, he didn't reverse in, the toilet
reversed up to him.

Yes, he reversed in.

OK. It turns out that someone had
witnessed this happen.

Yeah. He'd gone into the toilet...

Who is this person who witnessed
this happen?

It was...some guy was in there.

Some other guy, not Michael,
and he goes,

"I tell you what's happened here,
this donkey..."

And what did he say? I walked
straight over and I went,

"Blimey. There's a donkey stuck in
the cubicle!"

And the man told us, "This donkey
has wandered in from the beach,

"you know, where they do the donkey
rides and then someone had used

"the hand-dryer and he's freaked,
ran round, got disorientated

"and then reversed into a cubicle."

At this point, Michael was in there,
cos the other fella went out,

he said, "I'm not dealing with that,
I've got to go."

"I'm just the one that's here to
explain the scenario."

The guy said, "I'm not dealing with
this,

"I've just got a leopard out the
sink. You can do this one."

So he goes out, and the donkey's
back end was literally stuck inside

this, inside the cubicle.
How did you get the donkey out?

I pulled, I pulled the reins as hard
as... He had reins.

That's why we knew he wasn't a wild
donkey, cos there are wild donkeys

in Blackpool. I'm pulling on the
reins like that,

and Michael sort of tried to lean
over the back,

and he had his beach towel with him,
and gently gave him a little...

I wouldn't say a whip, that would be
hard, but enough to make him try

and come forward. But it just didn't
work.

We could not get this donkey out.
Right.

It died.
LAUGHTER

The hooves fell off.
"Join us next week on..."

Yeah, and... At least he was the
right way in to use the loo.

Yes, perhaps he was using the loo!

That's why he wouldn't come out,
he needed the loo. Yeah.

I hadn't thought of that. I say
donkey, I mean fat bloke.

I remember now, it was a fat bloke,
and I wanted to use the toilet.

I think he had one of those funny
little Blackpool masks on

of a donkey. It's all coming back to
me now. "You're arrested!"

I did three months in Parkhurst.

That's the end of the story.
You did three months in Parkhurst

since we last did the show?

Actually it was the prison office.

HE MUMBLES

So, there we are. We need an answer.

David's team, is Michael Diane's
ghostly guy,

Bob's campsite client,

or Lee's donkey do-gooder?

Well, what do you think?

See, I first, when I heard Diane's
story, I thought that was a lie,

and then I heard Bob's story...

And Lee's story,

and then suddenly, Diane's story
seems a little bit more real. Yes.

I think it's Bob. I think giving
your man a haircut is the truth.

50 haircuts a week,
paid in egg sandwiches?

I don't know that you can do that
hairstyle with one pair of scissors.

I'm from a family of hairdressers
and I just don't think you can do

Rod Stewart with the one pair of
scissors. She's from a family of

hairdressers. Did you have more than
one pair of scissors? No.

My response to that, Nadiya,

is a family of not very good
hairdressers. O-o-o-o-oh.

Two sets of scissors?

He looks round about Bob's age.
And Bob's haircut. Yeah.

DAVID: Can I just say,
one final chance,

he looks to me like a man who hangs
around gentlemen's toilets.

I'm going with Diane. Yeah. You're
going with Diane, you're set, then?

David's team are saying that it is
Diane.

Michael, would you please confirm
your true identity.

My name is Michael and Bob gave me
a haircut at a campsite.

We can actually see photographic
evidence of Bob

cutting Michael's hair.
There they are.

Oh, my gosh. It really did happen.
Thank you very much, Michael.

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies, and we start with...

It is Lee.

Possession. Right.

Under the desk is a box, so pop it
on the desk very carefully,

very carefully, like that.

"I've recently got into baking and
here's a cake I made yesterday,

"specially for David." Oh.

Oh, it ain't bad, is it?

Let's have a proper look at that
cake.

Wow.

That is uncanny.

It's got all of my thousands of
teeth.

Why don't we see how close a
depiction it is?

We have the technology to do what
they call split screen.

Look down camera one.

OK, so, talk us through what's gone
into making that cake.

Well, how do you... What do you want
to know first? How you made it. OK.

Right, first of all, I made the
cake,

let's call it the cake bit, right?

I made a sponge, that's the word.

I made the sponge first.
How do you make a sponge?

How DON'T you make a sponge?

How DO you make a sponge?

No, let's do
"How don't you make a sponge?"

OK, what you do is you get your eggs
and your flour... Of course.

..and then... How many eggs for a
sponge of that size?

I would say, for that size, the
bottom bit... David's bottom...

Or the other bit,
really, they're the same size.

Oh, no they're not.
They're not, David.

Your bottom is a lot bigger than
your top half.

For the bottom, I use about...

I would say I use about six eggs for
the bottom sponge. O-o-o-o-oh.

Nadiya, six eggs for the bottom,
yes or no?

So, 12 eggs altogether?

No. Yes.

No. I didn't say how I'd made the
top sponge.

What temperature did you bake it at?

It was... The room was room
temperature at the time.

I preheated the oven at 180 degrees,
because it's fan-assisted,

so I knocked off 10% for that.

Oh, right, so... That sound right,
Nadiya?

Almost convincing. Yeah.

Wow. You knocked off 10%.
You always do.

Knock off 10% if it's fan-assisted.

Mm-hmm.

Just going to have a little lick
of your moustache, David.

I hate to say it, Lee, but you've
slightly spoiled my present.

Wait till you eat it and you pass
out and wake up in me cellar.

So... Six eggs per sponge?

No, no, no, three eggs per top half
and bottom half. OK. Right.

How long do you leave that sponge
in? I would say...

What I tend to do is, I don't do
it the traditional way of timing it,

I keep a good eye on it, and I wait
till it's sponge-like

and take it out. OK.
It takes about...

I'd say it took me about...
Half an hour, Nadiya? ..40 minutes.

I mean, unless you bake,
you don't know...

when you've got a fan-assisted
oven...

It's difficult, isn't it? Yeah.

LAUGHTER
Difficult.

He seems to know...he seems to know
that bit.

You seem to know that bit of
information, which is...

Not everyone knows that. Well,
people are stupid. Yeah, well...

Let's go to the centrepiece.

Yeah. The crowning triumph,

which is the wonderful visual
depiction of David.

How did you approach...?

Yep. ..bringing him so vividly to
life?

Well... Talk us through that.

Well, I started off, I tried to do
you. Here we go.

But that came out very bitter.

Lee, even though you violated
David's face,

who would like to try a piece?

I'll try some. All right.

Now, what flavour is it, just so we
know when we taste it.

It's a sort of, it's an orangey
citrus invention.

OK, here we go. Here's the first
slice. This is going to Diane.

Yes. There you go. And then Bob.

How would you describe the flavour,
Diane? I won't be insulted.

It's very dry.

Well, it wasn't dry
when I made it last week.

David, would you like a slice of
your own head? Yeah, I would.

Yeah, I'd love one. Nadiya, you be
the judge.

Listen, don't hold back, I can take
it. We can all have this.

It looks like cake and it tastes
like cake...

But it acts like a carpet.

It's dry enough for me to believe
that you might have made it.

Aaah. What?

What are you thinking, Michael?
I think

that he's been doing a bit of
baking. I think he's made it.

I think it's bad enough for him to
have made this. Whoa!

Michael, you also think...
Unfair. ..you also think he did it?

I think he did. Yeah.

Yeah, I think, I think maybe...
I think...

He's just cutting your eye out.

You know, often on this show, you
say I don't see things from your

point of view? Well, let's...

Is everyone still here?

David, it's time to decide.

Was it the truth or was it a lie?

Well, I think...

We think it could be true.

You're going to say true? Yeah.

OK, Lee... I'm going to keep these
and take them home.

And wear them when I make love to my
wife.

All right. Was it the truth or was
it a lie?

Well, actually,
it is in fact...a lie.

BUZZER
Oh, that noise signals time is up.

It's the end of the show,
and I can reveal

that David's team have won by three
points to two.

Well done. Well done.

Thanks for watching. Goodnight.