12x08 - Episode 8

[bunniefuu]

Good evening and welcome
to Would I Lie To You? -

the show that separates
fact from fiction.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

one of Wales' premier
TV personalities...

..is about to introduce
that woman who does The One Show.

It's Alex Jones!

APPLAUSE

And a comedian and star of The Mash
Report, who recently went viral.

I do hope that's cleared up.
It's Rachel Parris.

On Lee Mack's team tonight,
a German comedian...

Sorry, I meant THE German comedian,
it's Henning Wehn.

APPLAUSE
Thank you.

And a hard-hitting documentary maker
who's seen things that would shock

you to your core. Well,
that's the risk you take

when you're dressing room
is next door to Lee's.

It's Stacey Dooley.

So, we begin with round one,
Home Truths, where our panellists

read out a statement from the card
in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,

they've no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.

Alex, you're first tonight.
Oh, right.

On a recent trip to the zoo,
my bag was hijacked

by a one-armed monkey.

Lee.

What zoo was it?

London Zoo.

And which arm was it?

The left was missing, right intact.

As you look at it
or from the monkey's perspective?

His left was missing. OK.

And why was it missing, Al?
I don't really know.

I mean, we were merely
visitors in the zoo, Stace.

I didn't know
the backstory of the monkey.

No, I expect that.

Who is "we"?

Me and my husband
and our little boy.

Your little boy, so you've gone
for a family day out at the zoo.

Yep. And aren't monkeys usually
behind cages or behind glass?

Well, they are, apart from when you
get to the rainforest section.

And in the rainforest section,

there are birds,
there are monkeys,

there are sloths.

It's a free-for-all.

Did the monkey have a name? Because
often they name them, don't they?

The monkey's, erm...

The monkey's name was...

Bandit. Bandit?
As in one-armed.

Oh, come on!

LAUGHTER

What sort of monkey?
It wasn't a chimp, was it?

I'm not David Attenborough,
I don't know!

Excuse me, a chimpanzee,

even though it looks like a monkey,
isn't a monkey.

Well spotted.
I deliberately said that.

Even though a chimp is totally,
in every meaningful way,

obviously it's a monkey,
it's not a monkey.

You know, it's a special place
that's been made by biologists

for pedants to reside,
so that whenever anyone refers

to a chimpanzee as a monkey,
like you did then,

a pedant like me says, "Oh, no,
a chimpanzee isn't a monkey."

And I've started to hate myself
for that.

Nice of you to join the rest of us!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What happened?

I'm pushing the pram,
said monkey travelled from a tree

and landed on the pram.

My maternal instinct obviously
kicks in, so I take Ted...

Cuddle the monkey.

I took Ted out of the pram
and then the monkey got hold of

the bag attached to the pram.

In he went, spreading monkey DNA
over all of the contents.

What?!

How big is the monkey?
About that big?

A bit smaller.
Are you sure it wasn't a squirrel?

Is it like this?

I think you'll find, Rob,
it was like this.

APPLAUSE

You've not been listening, have you?

I'm not paying attention.

What do you think, Lee,
does it ring true?

There's not a single element
to that story

that sounds believable.

You're the boss, but I think
it's a massive lie.

It's got to be a lie, then.
You're saying it's a lie.

It's got to be a lie. OK, Alex,

was it the truth or was it a lie?

It is, in fact...

true!

Oh, my Lord!

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true!

Alex's bag was hijacked
by a one-armed monkey,

and look, we have a picture.

That is the monkey
in the bag at the time.

That's terrifying!

Henning, you're next.

As a kid, my parents
denied me chocolate,

so every Easter, I had to run around
the garden

and hunt the Easter onion.

The Easter onion? Yes.

David. Where do you begin?

Them were the days.

Why were you denied chocolate?

It's not good for you, is it?

And why did you hunt an onion?

Why didn't you just say, "I don't
give a damn where that onion is.

"It's not a treat."?

You do what you're told to do,
innit, as a kid?

So you would look for the onion
and you would find the onion

and you would say...?

I'd say...
"Da ist die zwiebel."

What? What?

That is, in German, I said,
"There is the onion."

What would happen then?

Then I would hold it aloft.

Like the World Cup?

At what point in
your family Easter celebrations

would the onion hunt occur?

Well, on Easter Sunday.
On Easter Sunday?

In the morning on Easter Sunday?

I would be out in the garden.

Before your parents were up,
you were already out there?

Henning, do you get on with
your parents?

Very well, yeah.

Are they nice? Yeah.

I mean, my father is dead,
but he was...

he was a really jolly fella

and my mother is all right, yeah.

I'm glad you didn't do
the speech at the funeral!

Once you'd tracked the onion down,
Henning, would you tuck into it?

Yeah, you have a bite. Raw?
Of course.

So you're very pleased,

you held the onion aloft
and then you took a bite out of it?

Yeah.

I do feel like you're more enchanted
by onions than we are.

Obviously they mean a lot to me
because I knew,

Easter Sunday, it was time to go

in the garden
and hunt the Easter onion.

What are you thinking, Rachel?

I was half believing him
until the biting into it.

They're quite solid, aren't they?
It's like a tennis ball. Yeah.

The thing is,
I can bite into an onion

because I wasn't allowed chocolate.

That means my teeth are good.

Fair enough.

Would your mother and your father,
when he was alive,

would they share the experience?

He would occasionally
bite an onion.

You would hold it aloft, they would
say, "Vell done, little Henning...

"Look! Look what Henning has done!

"He's holding it aloft!
Quick, quick! Get the camera!"

And then... would they also
tuck into the onion?

It was...

Just thinking of that onion
makes my eyes water.

What do you think?
Is that truth?

What do you think?

Well, even though
he started crying at the memory,

I don't...

They're crocodile tears.

He does seem very moved, doesn't he?

What do you think, Alex?

I hope it's true,
but I think it's...

It's not. You think it's a lie?

It's a lie?
You're saying it's a lie?

Henning, did the Easter Bunny...

LAUGHTER

..bring an onion?

Sadly, it's a lie.

Our next round is called
This Is My, where we bring on

a mystery guest who has a close
connection to one of our panellists.

Now, this week,
each of David's team will claim

it's them that has the genuine
connection to the guest

and it's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome
this week's special guest, Oliver.

So, Rachel, what is Oliver to you?

This is Oliver.

He once came to my rescue when
I jumped off a bridge by mistake.

Alex, how do you know Oliver?

This is Oliver, and I once took
a worm into the DIY store

where Oliver works, and asked him
to colour-match some paint to it.

Finally, David, what
is your relationship with Oliver?

This is Oliver, and we've become
friends since he was cast as me

in the German version of Peep Show.

Where do you want to begin, Lee?
Let's start with Rachel.

Where were you, first of all?
France.

And why did you accidentally
jump off a bridge?

Because, erm...

It was a sort of party
in the countryside.

I mean, he looks French.

And I wandered away...

Hey, no facial expressions!

Yeah, but if he has no facial
expressions he'll look German -
it'll give it away.

So, Rachel.

So, it was dark, it was night,

and, erm, I jumped over

a stone wall

to go for a wee.

Classy.

And then it wasn't a wall,
it was a bridge.

And it was a sudden drop?
Of how far?

Er...

Two metres? Two metres?

A two-metre drop? Yeah.

I mean, I thought that was going
to be more dramatic. Two metres?

I'm not very good with...
So, you'd have been all right.

Well, she clearly didn't die.

You didn't...

Did you actually do the jump or did
he stop you before you jumped?

No, I was in the river.

Oh, you did fall into the river?
Yeah, yeah.

Two metres! I mean,
what flashed through your mind

when you were falling?

"That was quick."
"I'm fine."

Two or three,
I'm not very good with...

Do a different system.

I want you to imagine
now that you've jumped

and then tell us when you've fallen
and I'll use my mathematics.

OK, ready?
So, do the run and jump.

Aaaaargh!

That's four metres.
Four or five metres, that.

I think it probably was.

That's the height of
this ceiling, that.

That is unsurvivable.

So, what happened, then? So you land
in a ditch and then Oliver comes,

says, "Oh, mademoiselle..."

Is he French? No!

But I'm enjoying it.

But I thought it's all
happening in France?

Yeah, we were in France.

They don't have to be
French to be in France.

And that's the problem!

I think a lot of the world's
problems would be solved

if everyone just stayed
where they're from!

So you've jumped over the wall,
you land in the water,

what happens then?

So I was a bit hurt
and then I started shouting.

What did you shout?

Well, "help".

And then Oliver

came with a couple of other friends

from the party we were having

and they lean over the bridge,

and form a sort of human chain.

Oh, it's all getting
a bit three stooges now, is it?

Arms-around-ankles situation.

Oh, they're holding on to his
ankles?

So you had two people
or three in the chain?

Three, including me.

How did they pull
you back up from the...

What are these? Chinese acrobats?

Did you do a flip at the end?

It worked. Like, I got out
and I've lived to tell the tale.

So, Alex, what was your lie again
in regards to Oliver?

So, I took a worm.

A worm? Yeah, a worm into a DIY
store where Ollie works and said,

"Can you make me
some paint this colour?"

The worm on its own?

Or in a bit of furniture?

Furniture?

Not a woodworm.

I think she means an earthworm.
Like a garden worm.

What colour was it, Alex?

Well, this is the thing, Stace.

Brown, traditional... Yeah.

..but if you look at
the little belly of a worm

it's got this lovely
brick pink kind of hue to it.

I was going to say like your shirt
but no, not like that.

I do not want my house
in that colour! No.

I'm only joking. I love the shirt.

I still don't understand the claim.

Right, so what she's saying
is she took a worm from the garden.

Yeah. An earthworm.
What do you call them in German?

Worm. OK.

So when she said "worm," why didn't
you understand what she meant?

Because that's exactly
what she said.

Which room was it, Alex?

It was the guest bedroom.
The guest bedroom.

Ah! Stop them staying too long.

Hey!

But what's Oliver got to do with it?

Ollie...

He works in the shop.

He works in the shop.
I'll tell you one more time.

He works in the shop, she took
a worm, he colour-matched it,

she went home,
painted the guest bedroom.

Here's the question, though.
Why not photograph it?

What? Why did you have to
take the worm in?

Because they put it on the slide,
and then the machine will tell them

which colours they need.
It was living, was it?

No, dead.

Did you k*ll it
or did you find it dead?

Why are you asking
awkward questions?

So you painted your guest bedroom
in earthworm pink?

Do you not find, you know
that horrible thing when birds smash

into the windows? Was that not
happening more and more?

"Wow, look at the size of that one!"

You say to Ollie,

"Look, it's a bit odd
but could you match this colour?"

How did Ollie respond?

He said, "You should see
some of the things

"people bring in
wanting to be matched." Oh, good.

What did he tell you? Like what?
Give us some examples.

That's all he said. "You should see
some of the things."

But you didn't say, "Like what?"
You weren't interested at all.

If someone said to me,
"You should see some of the things
that people bring in,"

and you went, "That's all right,
I don't want to know."

You would have said, "Tell me!"

No! Lee, when I go to B&Q,
I'm there to complete a task.

There is no dilly-dallying,
we're in and out.

No, I've seen The One Show,
you can pad things out.

I've done The One Show
and you spent 15 minutes,

and this is genuinely true,

talking to me and Billy Ocean
about elastic bands.

Well, I mean, we were thin
on the ground for guests that week.

All right, now what about David?

Just remind us of how you happen
to really know Oliver.

Well, Oliver and I became friends

when he was cast as me

in the German version of Peep Show.

OK, so first of all,

what is the German version
of Peep Show called?

It's called...

It's called Camera Heads.
Camera Heads?

In German I think it's
Kamerakopfen? Kupfen?

It hasn't been on yet.
It hasn't been on yet?

It hasn't been on yet.

But I feel like Peep Show's
had its day, hasn't it?

AUDIENCE GASPING

No, no!

See, unlike Alex's put-down of Lee,
that was unprovoked!

No!

David, I love you and I loved
the Peep Show when it was on...

a long time ago.

But I mean, I feel like the German
Peep Show would have been looking

to cast it a long while back.
Well, what series are they on?

They've filmed the first series
and it's on soon.

Or perhaps never.
Maybe they hate it.

No, we give everything a go.

That would be a great title
for a history of Germany.

They really do!

And you say you've become friends?
Yeah.

How has this friendship
blossomed, David?

Because I've known you
for 11 or 12 years now

and I would barely call you
an acquaintance.

Thank you.

How come old Fritz here
is suddenly your mate?

Well you know, we just,
you know, we clicked... more.

We met when some of the people
making the German show

came to meet
the production team here.

You would think they'd export it

to Germany before
it's dead in the water.

That's the thing.

LAUGHTER

All right. We need an answer.

So, Lee's team, is Oliver
Rachel's helpful hero,

Alex's paint pal,

or David's Deutsche double?

Stacey, are you
leaning towards anybody?

For sure, I think
he works at a homeware store

and he helped Alex pick the paint.

Yeah, I think we can definitely
rule out Rachel's story. Yeah.

That didn't make
no sense whatsoever.

I stick a fiver on Alex.

You put a fiver on Alex? Yes.

I'm with my brother, Henning.

And you're saying Alex as well.
A-ha.

It's Alex and the worm.

I think it's Rachel but I'm going to
go with my team and say it's Alex.

Right, Oliver, will you please
reveal your true identity?

I'm Oliver, and I came to
Rachel's rescue

when she accidentally
fell into the river.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, Oliver.

Which brings us to
our final round, Quickfire Lies.

And we start with...

It's Stacey.

CLEARS HER THROAT

I was once so cold,
I shivered my skirt off.

David's team.

Where were you?

Erm... So, I was round
my cousin's house

and we were all outside,

and, you know,
we were all showing off.

Everyone was having a beer.

When was it, Stace?

I was probably about 15, 16.

And anyway, so everyone was out,
on good form,

and then it just
turned quite cold, you know.

That transition from day to night,
it gets a bit chilly.

But I still had
the summer get-up on, so...

What kind of skirt was it?

It was like a miniskirt.

And did you get thinner
during the night?

I think actually a couple of lads
had come to meet us on their bikes,

and so we're talking.
MOCKING HER ACCENT: What sort
of "bikes" were they?

It's great when someone's so London
they've got two syllables for bikes.

I'm actually Luton.

I mean we've got a German guy,
a northern guy

and two Welsh individuals here, and
we've only picked up on my accent.

Didn't understand a word you said.

Yes, so we were all just talking.
And then I was talking to this lad

and I really quite
fancied him actually.

And then I was sort of shivering,
and I shivered my miniskirt

right off and I didn't even realise,

and everyone was laughing.
Well, no, I...

You know, I've...

Are you about to say,

"I've chatted to young fellas
and dropped my skirt as well"?

Where is this going, Alex?

Because you bailed out of that
as soon as you started.

"Oh, no, no, I'll tell you.
No, I won't actually. I won't."

I mean, I know with a sarong
I've danced in just tights

without realising
it was on the floor.

So, it can happen.
So, this can happen?

I've known it happen
with a bath towel sort of...

What was going on under the skirt
and what were you left with?

Well, I had a big
pair of knickers on. Oh, great.

Like PE briefs.

When you say PE briefs... Yeah.
You mean ones you would wear for PE,

not ones that you've had
an accident in?

I did also wet myself in high school
but that's a totally separate story.

Tell you what, if we ask
you back - and it is an if...

LAUGHTER

..save that story for then. OK.

So you didn't notice? No.
So what alerted you to it?

Everyone was laughing.

I was like the joke of the night.

Aw, it's heartbreaking, this story.
Yeah, I know.

It's a bit like the onion story.

What, in that it's not true?

What do you think, David?

She's painted a vivid picture.

I think, you know, the combination
of... What were you drinking, cider?

Something like that.
Yeah. Cold, fit boy...

I think the skirt will be the
last thing you'd worry about

and so what
if it's round your ankles?

No?

That makes complete sense to me.

So you think it's true?
Well, I'm going true.

I think it's a lie.
You think it's a lie.

Well, it's plausible,
so I'll say true.

Saying true.
Right, Stacey, truth or lie?

It is in fact...

..true!

Wow, it's true.

Stacey did once
shiver her skirt off.

Next...

It's Lee.

I once got my head stuck
in a set of railings

whilst trying to show my kids
how I once got my head stuck...

LAUGHTER

..in a set of railings.

David's team.

Yes, true, I think.

It's just true.

Where were the railings?

Which time do you mean?

The second time.

The re-enactment was at my house.

The railings
at the front of my house.

And you said to your children, "Ah,
these railings bring back memories"?

Well, yeah.
That's how it started.

I said, "They look very similar
to the railings I had as a child."

I said, "Have I ever told
you the story of the time I got
my head stuck in the railings?"

They said, "No, father, do tell."

And I tried to paint the picture
with words and, as you know,

I'm not great at that.

So in the end I just got
frustrated and said,
"It's not that hard to follow!

"Look I'll just show you,
come here."

And where did the original
incident take place?

The, the railings...
Shall we call it railings one?

The '70s railings. Yes.

The '70s railings happened
in my hometown.

What happened?
So you're stuck?

Well, the first incident ended with
the Fire Brigade being involved.

And where were the railings?

They were in your hometown
but where, specifically?

Railings one,
they were also at my house.

On the front garden of your house?
Yes, yes.

We tried it in the upstairs bathroom
but they didn't look right.

Railings one... We were struggling
to get out the bath, thinking,

"Oh, these are..."

Railings one, the Fire Brigade
was called. Yes, correct.

And what did they do?
They had to saw one of the railings.

What age were you for railings one?

Nine. So this is a very scary
occurrence for a child of nine.

How did you react?
Were there little tears?

There was little tears, yeah.

"Oh, mother, my head is stuck
in the railings," I said, vocally.

I'll never forget this, she came out
with a glass of wine and cigarette

and laughed for about 25 minutes.

And how were you extricated
after railings two?

That means how did they get
you out of the railings?

We tried all sorts of
different systems.

The kids started off with Lurpak.

How far apart are the railings?

About 40 years.

No!

I mean railings two.

Well, about the size
of his head, obviously!

Well...

Otherwise he wouldn't
be stuck, would he?

They're about this far apart!

LAUGHTER

Did you not think that your bonce
was going to get stuck in there?

I thought what would happen
was I'd go in and it

would be a tight squeeze to get them
out but I'd still get out.

But I'd still have sort of
proved my point,

that it's tighter to get it out
than it is to put it in.

So did the fire...

LAUGHTER

What happened next?

So my head's in the railings.

They've tried butter.
Railings two.

Railings one, Fire Brigade,
it's over. It's finished.

They've sawed through one
of the things, they bent it apart

a bit, you got out, fine.

Well, there was more
to it than that. What more?

Well, it's a long story.

My mum fell in love with one
of them and left my father.

That's a whole different episode!

Railings two, they tried butter.

Yes, they tried butter,
they tried olive oil -

I'm talking about
the second incident,

not my mum and the firemen. Yep.

They tried...
What did they try?

They tried olive oil,
they tried butter, they tried soap.

They tried an array of lubricants
I have in my house.

So at this point on either side
of your head, there's quite a clot

of slippy goos?

Oh, I'm not going to pretend it was
a nice image because it wasn't.

Especially given that my backside
was facing the road.

And particularly it was stupid
that I was only in my boxer shorts.

Well, because I thought,

"This will take a second.
No-one passes by my house."

It will only take a second
so I'll take my trousers off first.

Did you get scared?

I was apprehensive...

..that someone would phone
the Fire Brigade and an old wizened

fireman would return and say,
"You've done it again, haven't you?"

How did you get out?
What worked in the end?

I'll tell you what
worked in the end. Brute force.

What are you saying?
Truth or lie? I think lie.

I think go with your heart.

OK, lie.

David's team is saying it's a lie.

Lee, was it the truth
or was it a lie?

It's a lie.

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

That noise signals time is up.

It's the end of the show
and I can reveal that Lee's team

have no points,
and David's team have five.

Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.