17x00 - Episode 0

[bunniefuu]

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to
"Would I Lie To You? At Christmas,"”

a very special festive edition
that sorts the facts from the fibs.

On Lee Mack's team tonight,
all the way from The Last Leg,

it's Alex Brooker.

APPLAUSE

And a legendary star
of stage and screen,

it's the one and only Melvin Hayes.

APPLAUSE

And on David Mitchell's team
tonight,

joining us from the BBC Breakfast
sofa, it's Naga Munchetty.

APPLAUSE

And she's the writer and broadcaster

who's chosen to spend even
more time with David this Christmas,

it's Victoria Coren Mitchell.

APPLAUSE

We begin with Round 1,
Home Truths, where our panel lists

read out a statement from the card
in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,

they have no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.

Alex is first tonight.

OK.

One Christmas,
I had to ask the bin men

for some of their tip back
after I accidentally gave them

an envelope containing 500 quid
meant for my builder.

David's team.

Oh, right. So, erm, when was this?

This was about six years ago.

I mean, you're evading VAT,

that's what you're basically saying,
is it?

It's not ill*gal to pay cash.
Yeah.

It could be that he was paying them,
I don't know, £420 plus VAT.

Were you paying 420 plus VAT?

Nah, he just wanted cash in hand,
500 quid.

LAUGHTER

So you'd prepared,
like the beginning of a thriller,

a second envelope with a different
amount in it, for the bin men?

Yeah, and so if I don't see 'em,
I just leave it... I leave it out.

But...
On the bin?

Yeah, like, just... Well,
just behind the bin. They know.

So when did you realise
that something was wrong?

Well, when I got in and went to pay
the builder and it was 20 quid.

What did you do?

Just phoned up, like, uh,
Huddersfield Council,

and luckily they were honest.
Right.

They were honest bin men.
Question from Melvin Hayes.

As an onlooker...
Yeah.

...I believe him.

Thank you, Melvin.

So you ring up the council.
Yeah.

Cos it's quite difficult getting
through to the council, I find,

on the phone.
There's usually a long phone menu.

I've never listened
all the way to the end,

but maybe there's one,
"If you've accidentally

"given £480 in cash to the bin men
at Christmas, press 9."

As far as I can remember,
it was fairly straightforward.

And what did you say?

I just said,
"Look, I live at this address."

And the person said what?

You're being very, very
confrontational tonight, David.

Look at you, you're sat forward.

Is it because Victoria's here?

You're like a stag,
stood at the top a mountain.

Look at him, he's like this.

AS DAVID: "May I tell you
about this? Na—na—na—na—na."

Showing off in front of your wife.

Do you tip the bin men
and the recycling men separately?

No, it's the same people.

On the same day?

They collect on the same day?
No, it's week on, week off.

One week, they're coming
and doing the recycling,

and one week they're coming and
doing the bins,

so they're there every week.

Well, they do the
recycling every week,

but they take the green every
two weeks. Yeah.

What about the brown ones?
Well, they go every week.

No, no, my brown ones don't.
My brown ones go every two weeks.

Do they? Blue every two,
green every two, brown every two.

What are you putting in your brown?

Well, I'm putting my garden waste
in my brown.

What's in your green?
My normal.

Green recycling, brown food waste.

Oh, no! Food waste is in the small
green one that you have to have

completely separate. Small brown
one. Small grey one.

No, not to me.

Welcome to a brand—new BBC show,
Scenes From The Care Home.

Right.

So what do we reckon, then,
Victoria?

See, I don't think anyone
just leaves £20 on a bin

in the hope that the right people
will grab it in the morning.

What do you offer your bin men
at Christmas?

It depends what time of day
they turn up, Rob.

I also cannot believe that
anyone doesn't know

the difference between £500 in an
envelope and £20 in an envelope.

Unless you are so minted
that you just don't care.

So you're going to say lie?
We think lie? Yeah.

We think lie. Yeah. Lie.

OK, Alex, they are unequivocal
in thinking it's a lie.

Was it a lie
or was it actually true?

Well, it was...

...a lie.

Phew!

Yes, it's a lie.

Alex didn't ask the bin men
for their tip back.

Victoria, you're next.

For our first Christmas together
as husband and wife,

David was startled
by one of the gifts I got him.

Lee's team.

It wasn't making a noise inside
the wrapping paper, was it?

What, a puppy?

Well, I was thinking
more of a rabbit.

APPLAUSE

So I suppose the big question is
what was the present?

It was... You'll like this, Lee.

It was some sexy underwear.

Oh. Why will I like that?

I'm always telling Victoria
how attractive you find me.

Who was to wear the underwear?
It was, er... I bought the...

For David to wear.
Look at David's face!

LAUGHTER

So it's for David.
Describe the underwear.

Well...
This is very awkward.

"Describe the..."
I mean this genuinely, this is...

This is the stuff of nightmare.

If it helps in any way,
I'm absolutely loving it.

All right. So, David is broadly of
the school of...

Do you...? I mean, is this...?

This...

This is dreadful.

When men have been
single for a long time,

they've got their loose
cotton boxers,

they don't think,
"Oh, I tell you what,

"I'll have a pair of these
snug-fitting trunks."

Can we just...?
Is that what we're talking about?

So we're not talking about straps
and things,

we're not talking about restraining
bolts and things like that?

Nothing like that?
No.

I'm just going to say, if at times
in the future when I face adversity,

I will look back and say, "Well, at
least I'm not going through this."

Can I just say something?
Yes.

This is so much better
than dustbins.

APPLAUSE

So it's Christmas morning,

it's your first Christmas together
as a married couple,

you hand him this package,
he opens it.

Talk us through
the moment of realisation.

He sort of went,
"Oh, it's underpants.”

And then he realised
they were a bit clingy,

and possibly, in David's mind,
somewhat French, you know.

How long did it take
before he wore them?

Has he ever worn them?

Oh, yes.

Wow.

From that day forward,
that was his new style of choice.

So even as we speak,
he's sat there now

with something clinging
to his midriff.

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

So it wasn't like his main present,
there was other stuff?

There was some other stuff.

Can you remember anything else
that you got him that year?

Well, you know, some books
and a DVD and...

...that sort of thing.
What were the books?

Well...

The Bible and Fifty Shades Of Grey.

So, uh, Melvin,
what do you make of this?

I'm just excited.

What do we think, truth or lie?

I just...
So what do you think, Alex?

I can imagine you'd definitely
be startled by it.

But I just...
Well, ah, that bit, I...

Yeah. If David's worn the same
pair of pants all of his life

until that moment,
and I suspect he has...

The same pair of pants?!

The same type of pants.

I think it's true.
You do?

So Melvin thinks it's true. Alex?

I hope it's true.
Yeah.

You're going to say that it's true.

OK. They think it's true.

Victoria, was it true
or was it a lie?

It is...

...true.

I'm sorry.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true.

Victoria did startle David
with one of her Christmas gifts.

Melvin, you're next.

I was once given just half an hour
to learn how to drive

a double—decker bus
along the edge of a cliff.

LAUGHTER

What's this all about?

David's team.

When was this?

It was in the '60s.

And for what purpose?
What was this for?

Well, it was for a film.

Which film was this, then?
It was called Summer Holiday.

Summer Holiday. Yes.

APPLAUSE

I was on the edge of this mountain
road, and there was a sheer drop,

you couldn't see the ground below,
and the director said to me,

"If I wave my left arm,
you're too near the edge.

"If I wave my right arm, you're
too near the wall of the cliff."

And I drive straight at him,
and when I get within 50 yards

he takes out a loud—hatter,
and says,

"We're zooming in for a close—up.

"Try and look frightened.”

And all I could think of,
I looked behind me before I did,

and there were these famous faces
looking at me.

Who was there, Melvin?

There was a young man called
Cliff Richard,

there was Una Stubbs,

there was The Shadows.

What, the shadows that they cast?

And you genuinely,

they only gave you half an hour
to learn to drive a bus?

Yeah, because I wasn't Cliff.

Cliff Richard, I'm talking about,
not the cliff.

Can I ask you this question?

Una Stubbs said of that film

that she found it impossible to
remember the plot

or any of her lines because
Cliff Richard was so beautiful

she couldn't stop staring at him.

Did you have that problem?

Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Naga, what do you think?

It's so plausible,
and it's a brilliant story,

too brilliant to be a lie.

Victoria?

Summer Holiday is one of my
all time favourite films.

Somebody gave an unforgettable
performance as the bus driver.

You decide if that was Melvin Hayes
or not.

I mean, I think the only
question about the plausibility

of this at all is whether you had
so little training for that scene,

and, frankly, we all have quite
a prejudiced view of the past,

and so I think we can all believe
that that in that era of

film—making they were that careless
with talents of your magnitude,

SO, erm, yes.

Well said. Well said.

APPLAUSE

So they think it's true.

Melvin, was it true or was it a lie?

I am so sorry.

It's true.

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called This Is My,

where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection

to one of our panel lists.

This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest,

and it's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's
special celebrity guest,

Patti Boulaye.

APPLAUSE

LEE: Wow, Patti Boulaye?!

So, Victoria, what is Patti to you?

This is Patti.

When she starred in a pantomime
of Aladdin,

I was in the same production.

Right. Naga, how do you know Patti?

This is Patti.

When we appeared on the Pointless
Celebrities Christmas Special,

we both failed to identify someone
from a picture who's in this room.

Oh-h*, right.

And David, finally,
what's your relationship with Patti?

This is Patti.

At a Christmas concert, she handed
me a mince pie

to cure my rumbly tummy
that was ruining Silent Night.

So there we have it.

Lee, where will you begin?

So, Victoria, when was this?

Some time in the '90s—ish.

But you weren't an actress,
were you?

No. Well, it was
a non—speaking role.

Oh. What was the role?

I was the lion.

Oh, you were in a costume?
Yes.

I'm trying to remember
where the lion features

in that classic story of Aladdin.

Well, as I say, it wasn't a big role
and I'll be honest,

I was only in it one time.

What happened was,
I was telling a friend of mine

that I had never seen a panto
before,

and she worked at a newspaper,

and she said, "Oh, I can probably
get you some free tickets to that."

And I said, "Great," and then
she rang me back the next day

and said, "Better still,
you can be in it."

You see, it was a promotional stunt.

There's a lion that is in the show
every night,

and it's in a costume, and it was,
"Oh, my goodness, a lion, argh!"

"Oh, my goodness, a lion.

"What's that doing in Aladdin?"

And who was Patti playing in this?

Patti was, of course...
Miss Boulaye, I should say,

was the Principal Boy.

Who else was in it?
What other names?

I'm glad you asked me that question.
Dennis Waterman

and Barry from Hi—de—Hi.

He was the Dame.
Right.

So was there a regular lion
that you replaced?

Yeah, I think there was
always a lion in it.

Played by the same person
every night?

Well, I don't know,
I was only there one time.

Did you not ask if you were
putting someone out of a job?

It was all a bit of a blur.

Dennis Waterman sang
the Minder theme tune,

Barry from Hi—de—Hi said "I'm off to
Burger King, mine's a Whopper,"

and then there was a bit...

I think you're telling the truth,

cos I knew Barry,
and his was a Whopper.

APPLAUSE

Who would you like to quiz next,
Lee?

Uh, Naga, could you tell me
how you know Patti?

That's Patti Boulaye!

Could you tell me
how you know Patti Boulaye?

We appeared on a Pointless
Celebrities Christmas Special...

Oh, yes. ..and one of the rounds
involved identifying people

and one of the pictures
was of someone on this stage...

Right, were you...? ..and we failed
to identify them correctly.

Well, I'll tell you what,
don't tell us who it was,

tell us what the question was.
Is that how it works on Pointless?

You had a picture screen
that you looked at, and there was

something like nine pictures, and
they were all of famous northerners.

ROB CHUCKLES

David, David, merry Christmas.

So it's me?

Yeah.
ROB GIGGLES

OK.

I think, from memory,
you can't get help off Patti.

No, but in the celebrity one
you can. Everyone whispers.

You could get help off Patti?!

So even Patti doesn't know who I am?

LAUGHTER

For God's sake, Patti!

When you walked on I went,
"Wahey, it's Patti Boulaye!

"Oh, it's Patti Boulaye!"

And you didn't recognise this?!

Lee, sit down.

Right, you know before when I said,
"Oh, my God, it's Patti Boulaye!"?

I don't want that in the edit.

And I want you to use this instead.

Who's that woman stood up?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Who is she?

So who did you think Lee was, then,
when you made the guess?

If you say Brad Pitt,
I'll forgive you.

Jimmy Nail

Jimmy Nail?!

LAUGHTER

I don't think we need to ask David
about his.

This is one of the best shows
we've ever done.

Here's a question.

Had it been a picture of Rob,

if the category was Welsh people,
would you have recognised Rob?

Of course.

You've done Pointless, haven't you?
Yeah.

So with Pointless,
you have to get the least,

if it was the least
recognisable person...

So you had a go at Lee.
..you'd get fewer points.

Wow. Well, I mean, it sounds like
a very good strategy.

I would have gone for him as well,
actually.

What I love most about this is,
even if it's a lie,

she still said she thinks
you look like Jimmy Nail.

Do you know what?
That's the worst bit.

No... Because if you had to
think on the spot and that...

Well, well, here's the thing, Lee.
Here's the thing, Naga.

Can I just make one thing?

We've managed to find a picture
of Jimmy Nail.

Now there...

Well, yeah, look at that. Yes!

Can we put that next to Lee?

well, well, well.

All right.
Are you happy to move on to David?

David, remind me, please.

Well, Patti handed me a mince pie
at a Christmas concert

because my rumbly tummy was making
a noise over Silent Night...

...ruining it.

Was Patti onstage singing?
No.

Where was she?

She was next to me, listening to the
concert, holding a mince pie.

Where was this, David?

It was at the Royal Albert Hall.
Oh, lovely.

I don't care about
any other question

than the one I'm going to ask.
OK.

Did she recognise you?

I mean look, I don't know,
she seemed to.

Aha! So no.

Is there any significance
about the word "silent”

from Silent Night to the
rumbling noise in your tummy?

I think there is significance there,
yes.

I think that the rumbling,
cos Silent Night,

obviously it's horrendously
mistitled.

They should say Quiet Night,
because it is obviously audible,

and it wouldn't be
the successful carol it is

if it were entirely silent.

LAUGHTER

But, nevertheless,
it's one of the quieter ones,

and the noise my stomach
was making would have been

less of a problem during, say,
Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.

I'm sorry I asked.

People often are.

Did you say you were near the front?

No. You didn't? I didn't say that.

we were in a box.
Oh! what was the occasion?

It was, like,
a BBC hospitality thing.

Your stomach was that loud
that it was audible for,

it was actually ruining
the performance for Patti?

I don't think it was audible
throughout the hall.

LAUGHTER

What sort of noises was it making?
Because stomachs make a variety.

It could be a gurgle,
it could be a whine,

it could be all sorts of things.

Just recreate for us
using that versatile tool of yours.

Um...
Oh, no, don't...

Don't use that.

I thought I'd use my mouth, but OK.

Just recreate for us the sort of
sounds that Patti would have heard.

I think they were sort of...
LOW GRUMBLING

Oh!
GRUMBLING CONTINUES

And Patti heard this
and proffered a mince pie?

Yeah. Was she sat behind you
or in front of you?

Uh, no.

Was she sat to the side of you?

That's it.
Right.

Sitting next to me.
She was next to you? Right there.

Didn't I ask earlier if she was
next to you and you said no?

If I did, I was lying.
OK.

LAUGHTER

Right, we need an answer.

So, Lee's team,
is Patti Victoria's panto pal,

Naga's Pointless partner,
or David's pie provider?

Let's take them individually,
shall we? Right.

So Victoria.
We like her.

We like her, but we're not...
We can't...

We can't just judge it
by who we like.

I'm just a bit worried, cos she's
been standing there a long time.

Yeah.
She's liable to fall over.

Well, what the audience don't
realise is you're stood there,

don't forget.

APPLAUSE

What do we think about Naga
not recognising me on Pointless?

I can understand that.

I wasn't sure
until the Jimmy Nail comparison.

And then you thought...
And then I was like...

Yeah. Yeah. That was...
I mean, he...

I thought she nailed it.

APPLAUSE

Then there's David.

That's a very woolly story.

Well, it's a lovely woolly
time of year, isn't it?

So who do you think is
telling the truth here? Melvin?

I think it's a very difficult game.

I didn't realise.

I'll leave it to the public vote.

I think it's... I think Naga.

Uh, I think there's an obvious
explanation, and that is that

Naga knows who I am but she forgot
her glasses, so let's go with that.

It's Naga looking at
a picture of you...

Thinking I'm Jimmy Nail.

OK. Patti, would you please
reveal your true identity?

Well, I'm Patti, and...

...the lovely Victoria
was in the same pantomime as me.

APPLAUSE

Yes, Patti is Victoria's panto pal.

Thank you very much, Patti Boulaye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Which brings us to
our final round, Quickfire Lies,

and we start with...

It's Lee.

One Christmas, after spotting them
stranded at the side of the road,

I let a couple called Mary
and Joseph stay the night,

because there was no room
at the Premier Inn.

APPLAUSE

Right, David's team.

So where did you spot
Mary and Joseph?

Uh, it was in a place
I used to live called Bethlehem.

Where I live,
just near where I live.

I was driving home, and just
saw them, looking very cold.

Just a man and a woman?

And a donkey.

A man and a woman
stood at the side of the road.

Yeah.
With luggage?

Er, well she was heavily pregnant.

Were they hitching?

No, they were just sat on a bench
looking really cold.

You just stopped and asked
some people on a park bench

if they wanted to come home
with you?

You've not started doing that again,
have you?

The window was down,
we stopped at the lights,

and they... Who's we?
Did you have someone else with you?

Er, no,
but I was having a wee in the car.

And, erm, I looked out the window,
and er, you know,

they gave me that look, they went,
"Hey! It's Jimmy Nail."

I just had a bit of bants,
said "All right, how's it going?"

And then, "Aw, we're freezing."
“Why'?“

Because they were near
the Premier Inn,

and said, "We couldn't get in, it
was a mistake with the booking,

"and now we don't know
where to go next."

So you have the window down
in the car. Yeah.

So you have the passenger
window down, do you?

Why?

Because you looked that way
when you said, "Hey."

I was reversing.

LAUGHTER

Thanks for laughing,
but that doesn't make sense.

I'd recently bought my new American
left—hand drive...Mustang.

So it's not just no room at the inn
and they're called Mary

and Joseph, Mary is pregnant?

I can't confirm that,

and I'm reluctant to say it on
television in case she's watching.

OK. Can I ask you,

did Mary give birth to a Messiah
while staying at your house?

No.
No.

But three people visited with gifts.

So they get into the car. Yeah.
And you go back to Mack Towers.

Yeah.
Yes. The gates swing open.

Mm—hm. You go up the crunchy gravel
driveway. What happens next?

Drawbridge comes down.
Yeah.

A drawbridge comes up.

Well, obviously not, otherwise I'd
have gone straight into the moat.

Let's just move on
to the portcullis.

You get to the big front door
of the house. Yeah. What happens?

Er, so then I go in,
cos I've got my own key now,

she's finally given me the key,
and I go in.

Leaving Mary and Joseph in the car?

No, no,
they're in the stable in the back.

And the children rush out, "Father,
father, you're home. Who's this?"

No, no, they were in bed,
it was Christmas Eve,

did I not mention that?
Well, what time was it?

Oh, it was Christmas Eve?
About 10.30 at night.

What were you doing out
at 10.30 on Christmas Eve?

In your Mustang with the window
down, driving slowly along the kerb?

Oh, Lee, Lee, Lee! No!

I'd forgotten my wife's present

and I was looking for
a late night garage.

To get her something special?
Yeah.

Who doesn't like a giant Galaxy
and a bunch of carnations?

Did you find out
what Mary and Joseph,

what they did for a living, where
they lived, anything about them?

Er, I think
he might have been a carpenter,

I'm not 100% sure,
not sure what he did.

I know she...
I think she may have been a jockey.

LAUGHTER

When did they go?
Cos presumably the next morning...

When did they leave the house, Lee?

Er, when did they leave the house?

Well, they left the next morning
early when my mate Brian came round,

Brian Herod.

So what do we reckon?

Naga, what do you think?

I don't believe any of it.

You don't believe ANY of it?

Victoria, what are you thinking?

I think it's not true,
because of the words that he spoke.

Yes, all right.

So your whole team
are solid on that?

Yes. I think, yes, it's not true.

All right.
Lee, they think it's a lie.

Was it a lie
or was it actually true?

It was in fact, a lie.

Ah.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie.

Lee didn't let a couple called Mary
and Joseph stay the night.

BUZZER

Oh, that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,

and I can reveal that David's team
has won by four points to one.

Aha! Well done.

APPLAUSE

Great show, mate.
That was a great show.

Thanks for watching. We'll see you
next time. Goodnight.

APPLAUSE

A baby... This is where we live.