17x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

Good evening.

Welcome to "Would I Lie To You?" -

the show in which it pays
to be economical with the truth.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,
author and stand-up comedian,

it's Shaparak Khorsandi.

And writer, broadcaster,
and Black Mirror creator,

Charlie Brooker.

On Lee Mack's team tonight,

maths professor plus broadcaster

equals Professor Hannah Fry.

And he's exactly 25% of McFly,

it's Danny Jones.

Thank you.

We begin Round One, Home Truths,
where our panellists

read a statement from a card
in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never
seen the card before,

they've no idea what
they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction,

and Danny is first tonight.

On an American tour,

I was repeatedly stopped
by customs officials

because I'd been pranked
by Rod Stewart.

David's team.
Right, that's a comm...

Rod Stewart is a popular singer.

Thank you.

So you're on tour in America?

Yes.
The United States of?

And South America.
South America where?

Brazil.
Just Brazil?

Yeah, forget the Rod Stewart bit,
this is the real interesting stuff.

OK, so we were doing a show...

...and Rod Stewart was there.

Which of the countries of
the Americas did Rod Stewart

attend your show in?

Well, this was in Ireland.

Had he come just to see McFly?

No, he was doing the same show.

It was a toy show.
A toy show?

Yeah, at Christmas-time,
big celebrations,

loads of toys... Yes.

...and McFly and Rod Stewart.

Was it a dream you had?

So, Rod was there, and he was like,
"Hey, Danny!"

and I'm like, "Hey, Rod."

Sure you haven't been
watching Rocky?

So he said, "Do you want a lift?"

Does he mean drugs?

He meant back home. He's like,
"Well, I'll give you a lift

"on my jet."
Wasn't he sailing?

Hey!

Very good, that.

He said,
"Oh, I need your passports."

So we get on the plane,
give our passports to him,

and then fly to London. Right.

So then we get a call
from our tour manager.

I think he was applying for a visa.

So then, he was like,
"Guys, bad news."

And, erm, he'd drawn willies
on our heads.

Rod Stewart?
Yeah.

Yeah, on our passports.
So Rod Stewart...

Oh, on your passport?
On our p... Yeah, yeah, not on...!

I just assumed that you'd just
fell asleep on the plane.

And he done, like, a willy!

So did this mean they wouldn't
recognise you at customs

unless you drew a willy
on your own...?

Erm, it wasn't fun
travelling around.

Every customs were like,

"You think that's funny?"

It's like, "No, but the story is
Rod Stewart drew it."

Well, it's going to delay you a lot
if you tell this story.

Yeah.

When you told people at customs

that Rod Stewart had drawn
these appendages on your head,

did they believe you?

Well, no, so we stopped saying that.

Why would Rod Stewart be performing
at a toy show in Ireland?

That doesn't add up.

Oh, but it's all right
for McFly to do that, is it?

Right, time to go for a guess.

David, what do you think?

I think it's false.
I don't think it's true.

You don't think it's true?

See, I think it's true.

I'm not confident enough
to overrule, I'm just...

Well, what are you doing in the
captain's seat, then, you coward?!

Despite my scepticism,
we're going to say, as a team,

that we think that's a lie.
You think it's a lie?

OK, Danny, was it a lie or were
you actually telling the truth?

I was actually...

...telling the truth.
Whoa!

Wow!

It's true.
Danny was pranked by Rod Stewart.

Hannah, you're next.

Hmm.

I once unwittingly dated
an international drug smuggler.

David's team.
Please explain the circumstances.

Er, this was a long time ago.

I was 19 years old, say. Yeah.

And I was studying maths
and theoretical physics

at university, and I had ginger hair
and glasses, and I was very cool.

Mm-hm.

And I met him in a bar.

And was he a fellow student?

No, he was an international
drug smuggler.

Oh, right.

What did he claim he was?

A kick boxer. Right.

He had very big arms, he had this
very, like, amazing accent.

What sort of accent?
Er, he was Spanish.

Oh!
Mm.

It's like meeting Antonio Banderas.

Or he said he was Spanish.

Oh!

Show me the look you gave him.

How did it happen?

Imagine Lee is a muscular, handsome,
kick boxing Spaniard,

rather than a retired darts player.

And if...

...you spot him at the bar,

cos he's a very handsome man.

He's also a bullfighter.

And you catch his eye.

How old are you, love?

But in Spanish.

Hhhhow old are you, love?

Hhhi reckon you look about 19.

That's Scouse.
Scouse!

Come on.

Come on!

What... What happens then?

Er... Did he ask you to carry a bag
through customs full of...?

Er, well, I dated him.

Erm, and I just thought he was
a very famous kick boxer.

I just thought, "Well, this makes
perfect sense."

Were there any seeds of doubt?

Possibly a couple of tiny red flags.

So one was that everywhere we went,
he would have...

Heroin.
Yeah!

No, there would always be, like,
two much older quite built guys

who would just be around,
who he said were his uncles.

And he had a scar on his shoulder
that was, like, a perfect circle.

Did you find that out in the bars?

Was he wearing a vest?

Er, no. No.

Just a tip for you in future -
the vests don't work.

They don't? OK.

I'll bear that in mind.
Oh, no!

The big red flag was that
there was one night

when we were out
with one of my friends

who was studying Spanish. Mm.

And she started talking to him
in Spanish,

and he said that he was too tired
to remember how to speak Spanish.

What was he?

I think Moroccan.

The big giveaway, I think, was that
he kept changing his phone number

every week.

After four months of changing
your phone every week,

it starts to get, I would say,
a little bit suspicious.

But over four months, there must
be times you're spending with him

where you're actually
having a conversation.

What are you talking about?
Well, he didn't...

He can't speak Spanish.

He didn't really speak
that much English.

So what's happening?
So you imagine...

David, David.

No. No, it can't be. No, no, no.

Well, I mean,
not all the time, surely.

So how did you find out?

Was it that it was the first thing
you just finally asked him?

Yes! Yes, exactly.

And you said,
"I've been meaning to ask...

"Well, I've been meaning to say
anything to you at all...

"..other than,
'What's this week's phone number?'"

Erm, it turns out that he was on
the run from the Spanish police...

Oh!
...and wanted a British passport.

Ah, well, I know someone
who's selling one

that doesn't need it any more.

What do you think, Charlie?

I think it's true.

There's so much detail.

Yeah. This guy honed in on someone
that he thought would be

the most trusting,
and I think it's true.

OK, well, I don't know,

but I'm happy to go with true.

All right.
Hannah, it's a remarkable story.

Was it true or was it a lie?

It actually...

...is true.

Wow.

Our next round is called This is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.

This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest,

and it's up to Lee team
to spot who is telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's
special guest, Andrew.

So, Shappi, what is Andrew to you?

This is Andrew.

He once assumed that
I'd run away from our date,

but I actually got stuck
in the toilet.

Charlie, how do you know Andrew?

Er, this is Andrew.

He has offered to cryogenically
freeze me after my death.

Finally, David, what is
your relationship with Andrew?

This is Andrew.

Last year, I had such fun
riding a zip wire

that he got me a T-shirt
with my beaming face printed on it.

So there we have it.

Shappi's abandoned admirer,

Charlie's futuristic friend,

or David's memento maker?

Lee, where will you begin?

Shappi, first of all,
when was this date?

2012. Yeah.
Right, 2012.

How old do you reckon he is,
though? Like, 35?

I think he might be one of these
people that is actually older,

but hasn't done a hard day's work
in his life.

11 years ago... Yeah. ..right,
he would've been very young indeed.

Er, Shappi, she would've still
been at school.

So what happened, then?

Where did you go to meet him?

In a pub in Portsmouth. Mm.

OK, so...

Rob, can I just remind you?
People from Portsmouth are watching.

A Portsmouth pub! Oh!

We went to a pub in Portsmouth
and we had a drink.

So you're chatting, it's going well.
What happens then?

Erm, well, then I went to the loo.

How are you feeling at this point?

Are you're thinking,
"I've met the one?"

No, to be honest, I thought we were
having a nice time as mates.

There wasn't an undercurrent of,
"Ooh!"

It was a nice...
There wasn't an undercurrent?

How long were you in the loo for?

It was coming out
all across the floor,

the tables and chairs
were moving round the room.

People were trying to play darts.

Wahey!

So you're in the loo, probably in
a cubicle, being a lady.

Yeah.
And you're enjoying...

Oh! Oh, Rob, you're so right on!

Oh! Oh, Shappi,
had you forgotten your Shewee?

So, Shappi...
That's a shame!

You could have gone against the skip
in the car park!

Shappi, ignore my friend.

What happens then?

I couldn't open the door of the loo.

I was stuck.

You couldn't escape via one of
the other cubicles, then?

Climb over the top?
Look, needs must.

It's not a romcom.
It wasn't...

What sort of romcom
does that happen in?

All right, one of those
Arnold Schwarzenegger films

that are so popular these days.

"I've got to climb over
the top of the cubicle, quick!

"Shappi, we've got to go!"

So what did you do?
I shouted, "Help, help."

Did you not have your phone
with you?

No.

And how long had you been
in the cubicle?

It was a long time.

I think the darts team heard me.

So there WAS a darts team.

And...

What did the darts team do?

They opened the door,
cos they didn't want to come in-in,

and they said, "Are you all right?"

and I said, "No, I'm stuck."

So then they went and got
the landlady,

and she handed me a screwdriver
over the...

A screwdriver?!
I had to unscrew it.

Oh, I thought you meant a c*ck.

So you get out eventually.

And where's Andrew?
Has he scarpered?

No, he was still waiting for me.

So when you finally chatted,
what did you find out about Andrew?

Erm...

...he had a sister
who was getting married.

There we are, lovely. Right.

Who would you like to speak to next?

So, Charlie... Yeah?
...remind me again, please.

This is Andrew.

He offered to cryogenically
freeze me...

Oh, yes.
...after my death.

Right. Is it going to be just
your head or your entire body?

Both options are available,
as I understand.

Do you have a preference?
Well, if you're just...

Why is it even a dilemma?

Surely if you're going to do it,
stick with the body as well?

Because the thinking is that,
when they kind of defrost you

in the future, they'll probably
put you in a new body.

And how far in the future
are we talking?

Well, I don't know, do I?
It's open-ended.

No, it's not open-ended.

If you put fish fingers in, you only
get three months. Mm, very true.

Do you have to pay him? It's kind of
like it's a promotional offer.

I think.
Promotional?

"TV's Charlie Brooker's done it,
why don't you do it?

"Come to Andrew's Frozen Bodies!"

Charlie Brooker says,
"Yeah, I did it."

Is that your impression of me?!

Yeah. "I did it. Have a go,
it's in the future."

Charlie, you haven't explained
how you met him

and how the whole thing came to be.

It was an offer that came through
via my agent.

Because I'd written sci-fi things.

He wanted to tag on to the
Black Mirror futuristic technology.

It's targeted.
What's the name of his company?

Crygasm.

No, it's not.
No, no, no.

Cryonics.
Cryonics.

And where's it based?

Michigan.

Michigan? I think that's where
they store you.

Right.
But they can actually...

Freeze you here.
...freeze you here.

Presumably it is contingent
on how you meet your demise,

cos if you...
You'd need to be quite neat.

If you fall into a mincer
or something,

they're going to go,
"There's nothing we can really do."

I mean, "We can still freeze you
but, you know,

"only for shepherd's pie."

Well, yeah.

As it was explained to me,
by Andrew,

they flush all your blood out,

and then they sort of pipe
some other sort of...

It's kind of like a sort of
antifreeze type thing.

In your veins? Yeah, it's like
a special sort of fluid.

That would k*ll you!

This is true so far.

That is what they do.
That is what they do.

And is it going to be just you,
or would your family join you?

I mean, well, do they have to?

Do you get a discount
if it's just your head?

Yeah, it's cheaper
if it's just your head.

What, and then they hope in the
future that you can somehow

be rigged to another body?

Do you think you could do a deal
with someone?

You know, someone who's got
a great body

but doesn't particularly value
their own intellect?

Me at the top and then Peter Andre.

Now, then, what about David?

David, remind us of
how you're connected.

Er, yes, I had such fun
on a zip wire...

Oh, yes. ..that he got me a T-shirt
with my beaming face printed on it.

Right.
Where was the zip wire?

It was at a sort of centre
for climbing

around the tops of trees,
you know, recreationally.

Well, you're certainly
selling it well.

Thank you.

It was Go Ape.

Did you go ape? Did you let go?

No, I didn't let go.

No, not let go. Did you...?

I didn't find it as frightening
as I had feared.

Right.
And, yeah, I quite enjoyed it.

What was the occasion?

It was a children's party.

Were you invited?

Er, yes.

Well, my daughter was invited,

but it was permissible
to accompany your child as a parent.

I see. Could you replicate
the facial expression for us?

Er, yeah, so I'm hanging on.

Wow.

Is it one of those automated photos?
No.

Oh, he's done that, has he?

He is a parent at the school
my daughter goes to,

as am I.

Yeah.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Are you roughly the same age?

No! No, no, no. No, no.

He had his children a little earlier
in his marriage, I would suggest.

Earlier in his marriage?

Or maybe he just married earlier,

or maybe he's not married,

and maybe it's none of
your business.

So you probably knew him
a little bit already,

he sees the normally buttoned up
and repressed David Mitchell

is getting...
Yeah, is getting into it.

"Hang on, what's going on?
I've got to get a picture of this."

Yeah, the old guy's having fun!
Yeah, yeah.

Go, Grandad, go!

This T-shirt, did he send it to you,

or did he get it printed
for himself?

He handed it to me in a bag.

Oh, OK.

Do you wear it?

I have worn it, yes.
Where do you wear it? At home?

I wear it on my top half.

With nothing below again?

And do...?

The idea of nothing below
and your face going...

All right, we need an answer.

So, Lee's team, is Andrew
Shappi's abandoned admirer,

Charlie's futuristic friend,

or David's memento maker?

Hannah? I do believe that
Charlie has been approached

to be cryogenically frozen,
but I don't think by him.

Why, what's wrong with him?

He just doesn't have the sort of,
you know... What?

...creepy freezing body vibes.

Do you think Shappi had a date
with him... Yeah, I do.

...and got locked in the lavatory?
Yeah, I do.

And he wondered where she'd gone,

even though she'd gone to
the lavatory? Mm-hm.

What are you thinking, Danny?

I think potentially frozen,

because he looks like
he could work in a lab.

But isn't it true that,
in the future,

we might be able to extract
a tiny bit of DNA from something?

Cos I saw a documentary
called Jurassic Park.

Why do we need to do all this?

Why don't we just freeze a finger,
bit of DNA out of there...

That wouldn't be you, would it?

You don't think with your finger...

Well, maybe you do.
Oh, I do.

Who are you going to go for, Lee?

You're going with Shappi. Yeah.

You're going with Charlie. Yeah.

And you're going with me.

Whee!

Lee, what are you going to go for?

Oh, I don't know.

Do you know the bit that makes me
think it's Charlie,

is that if he'd have done it,

I would've said no,
but he's thinking about it.

He's thinking about it.

If he'd have done it, he really
wouldn't be on the programme.

I say, purely cos of the
Black Mirror connection,

we'll go with Charlie.
All right, it's Charlie.

Here we go. Andrew, would you please
reveal your true identity?

I'm Andrew,

and Shappi got locked in the toilet
on our date.

Yes, Andrew is Shappi's
abandoned admirer.

Thank you very much, Andrew.

Which brings us to our
final round, Quickfire Lies,

and we start with...

It's Charlie.

Oh, erm,

I was 40 before I realised
that raisins are in fact grapes.

Lee's team.
How old are you now?

Right. How did you find out?

Well, somebody told me.

Oh. It's a hell of an anecdote.

Have you got any more?

I was eating...

Like, you know you can get
a pack of, like, assorted...

Nuts and raisins.
...nuts, chocolate things...

Yeah. And I was with my wife,
and I said,

"What are raisins? What are they?"

It had never occurred to me before.

And then she told they're grapes,

and I didn't believe her
for a while.

So what DID you think they were?

I thought they were raisins.

And you just thought that
they grew like that?

There isn't a clue in the way there
is with, say, sun-dried tomato.

Exactly.

What about gherkins? Do you know
where gherkins come from?

They're cucumbers.
Don't call me an idiot.

I mean...
What about currants, Charlie?

Currants, those are a...

They're a grape too?

I think...
No, I'll be honest with you,

I'm only 90% sure.

I think a currant is a grape
as well, isn't it?

That's what I always say.
Oh, sorry, hang on a minute!

Who's the idiot here? You hypocrite!

I'm loving this new "guess where
dried fruit came from"

section of the show.

What about sultanas?

Sultanas, I know what they are.

They're white grapes.
White grapes? Yeah.

So a currant could be
a dried blackcurrant,

couldn't it be, maybe?

What?! Hang on a minute!

Like, literally you were all
ganging up on me.

I wasn't.

I backed you up.
I said sun-dried tomatoes,

it would've been obvious,
but it's not obvious with a raisin.

And now it's a
"currant" affairs show.

Oh-h*-h*!

What do you think, Hannah?

I think it's true. I think even
very, very smart people

can be a bit unobservant sometimes,
and I think...

True, but what about Charlie?
Yes.

What do you think, Danny?
I think it's false.

You don't think it's true,
because...?

He can't have waited that long
to ask that question.

You say you were 40?

Well, when did you ask what
they were?!

When my son asked me,
and I had to go and Google it.

OK, what's it going to be, Lee?

We'll say it's true.
Yeah, go on. Yeah.

Go on, we'll say true.
OK, they're saying true.

Charlie, truth or lie?
It is, er...

...true.
Yes! Well done.

It's true, Charlie was 40 before
he learned that raisins are grapes.

Next...

...Lee.

Possession.

OK, there's a box
under your desk.

Would you take the item out of the
box first, pop it on the desk,

and then read the card?

Ah!

This is a Rubik's Cube.

True or lie? No, I'm joking.

This is a Rubik's Cube.

Since last series, I've learned
to solve it in under a minute.

If you don't believe me,
I'll do it now

with my hands concealed
beneath the desk,

as soon as Rob says, "Go."

There we are.

OK. You'll complete it now
in under a minute

with your hands below the desk?

I will complete it now
in under a minute.

Er, randomly... You can mix it up
first if you like, I don't mind.

Or Danny.
Just no-one on the opposition.

And do it exactly
as we rehearsed it.

So you started this
about a year ago?

Yeah. So, is there a technique
to this, then?

Yeah.

As opposed to, "No, you just do that
and hope for the best."

Can anybody over there
do the Rubik's cube?

No, but I've watched my son's friend
do it, and there is a system.

Yes. And then he was trying
to explain it to me,

and I got bored and left the room.

Is this something you can do?

I'm rubbish at the Rubik's Cube.

I panic.
And you can't do it, Shappi?

No, but I'm really surprised
Charlie can't.

Why? People think I'm clever!
I'm not!

I don't know what a raisin is!

No, no, no.

It's not a clever thing.

I just thought that,
when you were a kid,

you'd spend a lot of time
sort of on your own.

Oh, it's an insult. Oh, I see!

Oh, OK.

What is the system?

Right, the first thing you do
is you want to get one side.

And then what?
Well, have a guess.

No, no, I...

That's one side.

Top layer.

Second layer. Yeah.

Bottom layer. And then don't worry
about the bottom, that's automatic.

Because I've never been
in a situation

where you've done all five

and the bottom one's completely
out of whack.

David, do you have any more questions

before I ask Lee
to attempt the challenge?

So he does it,
he keeps it under there,

we say true or lie,
and then he brings it up.

OK, I'm... OK, I'm ready.

I don't like this kind of stunt,
you know?

Lee, you have a minute.

Are you ready?
No.

Would you please tell me
when you're ready?

I will.

Whenever you're ready, Robert.

Three, two, one.

How long have I got left?

I'm genuinely impressed. 45.

I mean, it's going to set on fire
in a minute, it's that quick.

How long have I got left?
How long?

Yes!

34 seconds or 34 seconds have gone?!

Does he mean 26 or does he mean 34?

You had 34,
but that's yesterday's news.

We have to assume
it's less time now.

Wait!
20 seconds.

No, make it a bit longer.

It's quick.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

How's it looking, Hannah?
Go, go.

Ten, nine, eight...

Whoa!

Whoa, he's done it in under!

So... has he done it?

Well, look, the other two
definitely enjoyed watching him

fiddle with his groin.

I believed that...

I believe that.
...as a piece of theatre.

Yeah, yeah.
It mattered to you.

Yeah. I don't think anyone could've
faked Danny's surprise...

...there.

It did.
That looked pretty realistic.

I think it's true.
You think it's true?

Out of interest,
what do the audience think?

True.

True, but not that lady there. OK.

Lee, was it true, what you just did,
or was it a lie?

Well, it was in fact...

Of course it's not true, you idiots.

It's a lie.

Lee can't solve a Rubik's Cube
in under a minute.

That was genuinely a brilliant piece
of acting from the three of you.

Thank you.

It's going on the showreel.

Oh, that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.

And I can reveal that David's team
have two points

and Lee's team have three.

Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.