02x17 - Ronnie Magro's Series of Unfortunate Events

[bunniefuu]

What's gonna happen when you go home now?

Oh, we don't live together anymore.

I've decided that I'm finally gonna take a step back from Jen

and try to get my life back on track.

You wanna step to my guy? You wanna step to my guy?! Oh, my God!

He's about to get his [bleep] a*s whipped.

You ain't gonna do [bleep]. Come on, baby.

Where's your [bleep] boyfriend?

She just kept running her frickin' mouth, and I'm like, this b*tch needs to take a seat.

[excited shouting]

Let me go! Come at me! [screaming]

♪ Here I come ♪

Yeah, buddy!

Party's here!

The Situation is under construction.

This might not have been the best idea.

We're so classy now.

On the seventh day, it'll be lit.

Get the frig out of here, you crazy!

♪ Here I come ♪

♪♪

[cheering and screaming]

Fight! Come at me!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Fight!

Let me go! [screaming]

[excited shouting] Jenni, Jenni.

You [bleep] b*tch! How does that feel?!

How does it feel to look like a wet dog?

[indistinct shouting]

Yo! You're trailer trash.

Where's Deena? Where's Deena?

[screaming]

Oh, My God!

Come on, b*tch. Come on. [bleep] that!

Come up! Come up! Come up now!

This is probably not the best place for a pregnant girl.

They're trailer trash! Let me go!

[screaming]

It is mayhem right now. Angelina is trying to fight this girl, chairs are being thrown.

Angelina's looking like a rabid hamster. Nobody can hold this girl back right now.

Love you! Stop!

Not going out anymore. I already [bleep] told you...

Now stop! Yo, let me get at her!

[screaming] Calm the [bleep] down, you b*tch.

You're a lowlife...

Big Daddy Sitch ain't trying to get arrested. I'm staying far, far away from this right now.

Calm down, calm down. Let her come up.

Nobody [bleep] hits my friends and gets away with it! It's over. Stop.

Welcome to Jersey. Nothing like almost whipping someone's a*s

just to bring eight guidos together.

I love you. Thank you.

[spitting]

Oh wait, there's your boy! Look at him!

She punched him! She punched him! She's beating him up! That same guy?

Yeah. The girl that was fighting with Angelina

ends up beating up the guy that I wanted to beat up.

Your own girl punched you, cousin!

Damn, girl. I wanna give you a high-five, and that's a hell of a right hook.

It's over. It's over. Guys, I just wanna dance and listen to music.

As much as I wanna say that this guy ruined my night

for the second night in a row, this was kinda cool.

All [bleep] night they started with us!

Come on, we're leaving. We're leaving.

We were able to defend our roommates, throw a few chairs...

♪ Now we're ready to go let's give 'em a show ♪

...and go home with a bang.

That was, like, the first fight we've got into

in a long, long time. I know.

That girl was licking the water you threw on her.

[slow motion] How does that feel?!

I was like, "Yo, wet dog."Yeah.

Oh! Oh! She's punching-- Oh, this guy's fighting! Yo, look at this.

Yes! Yes! This is awesome!

Yo, they're still fighting. This is amazing.

They're fighting with each other!

That girl's beating the [bleep] out of him. Her own boyfriend.

Oh, look at that b*tch. Bye! Bye, b*tch.

Yo, she punched her own man in the face.Yeah.

That was fun. I love a good Jersey scuffle. That was amazing.

It was the best day of my life. Same.

♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪

Are we here? Yeah. Yes.

That was crazy. Angelina was throwing everything.

Oh, my God. What a [bleep] animal.

I defend people I like and I love. And I'm sorry it did happen, but you know what?

Welcome to the family. Thank you.

That's not gonna work, either. Things have escalated quickly out there.

Thank you. Yeah.

On that note, I can go to sleep happy right now.

Good night. Good night, guys.

Jenni came out, she goes... What happened?

"[bleep] you!" And I just, like, literally came out like slow motion...

No, you came out... ...and I grabbed the first water and I was just like...

Ooh, your n*pples are hard. You're excited.

I did get a little excited. What happened?

We can still throw down. Don't [bleep] with us. That's all.

We got a big day tomorrow, girl. Yeah, and I'm tired myself. So.

I'll probably just go to bed.

I want to get a good night's sleep.

We have a huge day tomorrow.

We're going to do a fundraiser for blood diseases.

Well, you have a huge day tomorrow, so you know what I mean? Get your rest.Yeah.

You know, my dad passed away two years ago from leukemia.

So I just wanna do something that will honor him,

and I wanna raise money for people just like my dad.

Good? Yeah. Tomorrow's gonna be a big day, so.

[coughing] And I'm gonna die. All right.

Good night. Well, at least this was a fun, exciting night.

It escalated very quickly.

I was ready to spiral tonight. [burping] Yeah, me, too.

Ronnie with his jewelry, taking that [bleep] off.

So dramatic. He's like, "Hold my [bleep]."

I was like Moses. Just... [bleep]. Moses?

Yeah, everyone just followed me outside. Breaking the water?

Wait, did Moses break the water? Yes. He parted...

He parted the sea. Are you sure?Uh-huh.

Moses parted the sea. I'm very religious.

Moses had all the animals.

No, that was-- On the boat.

No, that was Noah. Oh.

You better... Are we thinking about Noah?

You better know what the [bleep] you're talking about

before you mention that [bleep] again.

Nicole, Moses isn't the one with the animals.

He was the one that parted the... That's Adam and Eve.

Moses parted the Red Sea, yes. But I'm % sure that Jesus came first. Jesus...

Jesus came from Moses? Well, no. Adam and Eve came...

I love Jesus.

Then Jesus came. Then Moses. Then Noah's Ark. And then us.

It's, like, : a.m. or something, and, uh, couldn't sleep.

I just heard the Spiral Squad trying to explain, like, the meaning of life and [bleep].

I just felt compelled to go up and be part of the conversation.

[laughing] He's coming out for this discussion.

[laughing] Vinny.

I can't sleep and you guys are driving me crazy.

How are we here? Do you ever think about it?

I do. Adam and Eve banged each other to make more people,

and then that's when Moses parted the Red Sea, and then that's when Noah built the ark

with the animals, and then that's when Jesus came and rode on his boat.

[laughing] Yeah, he rode on his boat, Jesus.

Jesus rode on a boat? I don't know. You tell me.

I think he just flew in. He flew in?

Yeah. Jesus can fly. On [bleep]...

Can't Jesus fly? ...[bleep] Spirit Airlines.

[laughing]

That was good. Holy Spirit Airlines.

[laughing] When did cavemen come into this whole thing?

Who?Cavemen.

Geico? [laughing]

For some reason, hearing those idiots talk... is, like,

somewhat relaxing and beautiful in its own weird way.

So whenever I'm on a plane, I have to go number two or number one,

I flush and the frickin' water and the air comes up.

Like, it blows me in the face. [imitating flush]

And I literally almost fall because a gust of wind,

and does the [bleep] fly down and hit people in the face? And piss?

[laughing] Or does it just disintegrate?

[laughing] I think it-- I think it goes in a bucket.

You thought if you [bleep] on a plane it just scatters on the floor?

She sounds like when you fly over a place, [bleep] just spews out.

[laughing] And they're like, hey...

[laughing] Lands in your backyard. ...it's raining out.

It's raining out. Chocolate [bleep]. Oh, my God.

Stop! I can't breathe.

Just love how we went from Jesus to [bleep] over planes.

[laughing] [bleep]ing on a plane. And it scatters on the states.

We're over Ohio. Let the [bleep] out.

[laughing]

♪ Angelina hasn't gotten plowed ♪

[laughing and shouting]

This whole thing's freaking me out.

Oh, my God. Get the [bleep] out of here.

[indistinct shouting]

Tonight was the most epic night in the Jersey Shore.

Holy...

♪♪

♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh oh mm mm mm ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh oh ♪

Wake up, Keto Guido! Sometimes ya gotta wake him up like that.

So what's the plan tonight? Do we know yet, or...? Chris coming? Mom? Sister?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, everyone.

Whole family? Yes.

Good.All my dad's side of the family.

Yeah. It'll be good.

It's gonna be a good turnout. I should probably get up.

Tonight is the last night in the house, and we're going out with a bang.

Tonight's our fundraiser, and I couldn't be more excited.

Be the Match is a bone marrow donor bank, and basically

you can match anyone all over the world.

And it's just such an amazing, amazing foundation.

This is the perfect way to end a vacation. Unbelievable.

This is at Jenks, right?Mm-hmm.

Okay. You'll DJ. Amazing.

All right. I'm with it.

And I brought, like, a whole bunch of stuff from home to, like, decorate our own buckets,

and, like, try and get people to, like, see who gets the most money in their basket.

Like church? We can, like, decorate them.

Like that? Yeah.

Ew. Shake 'em down.

Everything will be going to Be the Match and to raise more money, like, try and figure out

other live auctions while we're there. What about, like, auctioning off,

like, to touch your hair? Do it. Let's do it. [laughs]

Oh, I have one. Auction a shot with me.

I'll pay for that. Have a Ron-Ron juice with Ronnie.

Yeah, have a Ron-Ron... Teach 'em how to make Ron-Ron juice.

Live your best life with Sitch and have an argument with JWoww.

[laughs] Fight with JWoww.

This is gonna be dope. I'm so excited for you, Dee,

'cause I know how important this is to you and right now

you're honoring your father's memory by trying to help others.

The day before his birthday. That's dope. He'd be so proud.

Having all the roommates support me, it warms my heart and it makes me so happy,

and my dad loved all of us together. Like, it was, like, his favorite thing in the world,

so I know he's looking down, like, super excited for this event also.

We invited all of our friends and family. I'm super excited, Dee.

I'm inviting the unit.

[laughter]

He's not welcome. [laughs]

And Chris is coming? Mm-hmm, Chris is coming.

Oh! It's a... It's a, you know, a given.

Please don't sleep with Chris in this room.

I don't want to hear you guys.

We're not going to. Don't worry.

When I see Chris, I'm gonna be like...

What's up, bro? What's up, bro?

[laughs] That's the new handshake.

Please, no.[laughs]

Oh, Ronnie, you weren't there. So, at dinner, she literally said,

"The first night, Chris pounded me out so hard, I didn't walk for a week."

She was like, "I wanted him to bang me like this." "I wanted him to go like this."

♪ Angelina hasn't gotten plowed in a long time ♪

That is not true, 'cause we have sex.

♪ Hasn't gotten plowed in a long time ♪ We have sex!

Do not try to back-peddle. We all heard what you said.

Now do you have sex? We do, but it was never as,

like, intense and like, like... Oh!

Like that.

You haven't gotten pound... You even did sign language, bro.

Like, we know what you meant.

♪ Angelina hasn't gotten plowed in a long time ♪

♪ Angelina hasn't gotten plowed in a long time ♪

I see a dance move and I hear a lyric, I'ma put a beat to it, I'm gonna make it a song.

♪ Angelina ain't got pounded out in a long time ♪

♪ Bah bah bah bah bah bah bah ♪

♪ Bah bah bah bah bah bah bah ♪

♪ Angelina hasn't gotten plowed in a long time ♪

♪ Angelina hasn't gotten plowed in a long time ♪

♪ Angelina hasn't gotten plowed in a long time ♪

[all screaming]

Cheater! You cheated!

Ooh, you're cheating! That's the enthusiasm I'm looking for!

Chris is not gonna be happy about this.

I'm very nervous right now that the roommates are gonna sing

this "pounding out Angelina" song in front of Chris.

Like, who the [bleep] knows what's gonna happen when he hears this?

♪ Angelina hasn't gotten plowed in a long time ♪

You guys just want to help me get the materials out of my room?

Yep, I'm just gonna go potty real quick.

I love fundraisers this time of year.

Do it, and what are we gonna be saying on these signs, Deener?

One of them, we could do, like, "Be the Match," and then the other one,

we'll have all of, like, the live auctions, what it is and how much.

♪♪

You all right?

Oh, man.[phone ringing]

Hello? You going outside?

Hey, what are you doing? What happened? Where's the baby? What happened?

Like, what now?

Hey, it's not easy, [bleep] hearing what you're telling me and then me being over here,

[bleep] across country. Like, that's not... That's, like, scary [bleep], you know?

Oh, God! This whole thing's freaking me out.

♪♪

♪ I got a bad habit habit ♪

♪♪

It's not easy, [bleep] hearing what you're telling me

and then me being over here, [bleep] across country.

We have a bit of a situations with Ronnies right now. What happened?

I don't have the full story. I just heard some [bleep].

Like, it's just, it's like, this, like, doesn't make sense.

Jen's telling me that somebody broke into the house. Basically,

the guy came in through the back door and he ransacked the house,

and she was laying in bed, she heard shuffling,

he saw that she moved, and he just [bleep] ran out of the house.

This is the first time I've had contact with Jen

since she disrespected me in a way that I'm not gonna deal with.

Sending me screenshots of [bleep] Sam and her new boyfriend.

Like, "that's how happy I'm gonna be next year when I find somebody,

telling me, I can't wait to find the guy to raise your child the way you can't."

But now I have to communicate with her.

We have to do some kind of security, like, ASAP.

I'm gonna call you back.

Bye.

At the end of the day, that's still the mother of my child

and I have to make sure that she's okay

because if she's not okay, then my child's not okay.

He's not in there? He's in the shower? He's in the shower?Mm-hmm.

He's on the phone. Is he?

Try to listen.

Shh. Shh, shh. Shh.

Oh, God, he's coming. He's coming out.

Oh, my God! Get the [bleep] out of here.

It is her?

Is the baby all right? Are you all right?

Did you stay there? And where's the baby? Sleeping?

Jen is up to no good, because the last time I talked to Ronnie, he had blocked Jen,

and I think she's just doing this to get Ronnie to talk to her.

Get your [bleep], get in the car and get the baby, get the [bleep] out of the house

and go to the other house. Why would you stay there?

You're not making sense right now. If they come back, then what are you gonna do?

Can you not stay there, though? Why would you stay there?

You're like, a guy broke into the house while you were sleeping

and then you found a [bleep] pack of b*ll*ts in your backyard?

I think you should get the [bleep] out of there.

Well, can you please leave now? 'Cause now you have me [bleep] scared

and I'm halfway around the country.

If she can make up something like this, that's scary. Mm-hmm.

Go to the other house and call me when you get there,

'cause I don't want you in that house with the baby.

I'm befuddled, if that's a word.

Well, you have another house to go to no one knows about.

They're not gonna get in. Just go.

This whole situation with Jen is crazy.

There is a calamity or crisis once a week, like clockwork.

All right, we have progress?

What house got robbed?

She moved back into her house. Oh, really?

And out of my house. Yeah. So she's been staying at her house.

And that got broken into?

Yeah. I guess the guy came in through the backdoor.

Well, Pauly does it all the time.

Rummaged through all the [bleep] downstairs. She saw him.

He had a bandana around his face. She screamed.

He ran out the back door. But the only think that scares me,

they found a box of b*ll*ts on the Jacuzzi in the backyard.

Wow. Like, why would he have, like, b*ll*ts?

She was moved out of his house. Now, a day later,

she's moving back in the house because of this home invasion.

If you ask me, it's always an inside job.

What a weird web we weave.

Oh, God. Let's go eat. We need to feed that little meatball.

I want to be cynical and say, is this real? Hmm.

But at the same time, I don't want to be insensitive. What if it is?

That didn't happen. She didn't get robbed.

There was no home invasion. That didn't happen.

She's using that to talk to him again. Now they're talking again,

now they get back together. Feel bad for the baby and blah blah blah.

There you go. I didn't have to say it.

And this, that, and the other thing. And then,

as far as somebody dropping a box of b*ll*ts, no one does that.

I rob houses for a living. I mean, what?

You mean his house got robbed?

Yeah. What did they rob?

Yeah. What'd they take? A phone.

Why would someone just break in and take a phone?

Exactly. That's weird.

Ronnie, I think he's going through a lot right now.

I feel bad for him but, for a fact, Jen is lying.

I don't trust that girl. The whole thing doesn't add up.

You know, you hear someone say there's a home robbery,

it usually would be like, oh, my God.

Is everyone okay? How's the baby?

Our first instinct is like, ahem, he come for a haircut?

[laughs][laughs]

The most disastrous things, now it's normal practice for him.

How's your arm? It's good.

[car horn blaring]

Oh, dragged by a car. You good? You got your bandage on?

All right? Like, straight? All right, cool.

Smashed TVs.

She did this [bleep] with a golf club. Oh, [bleep]! She's crazy.

He just got slapped in the face and spat on.

[spits] You piece of [bleep]. You're a piece of [bleep].

What's next? [bleep], we all good. Keep it moving.

Either the girl's lying or she had one of her friends do it. What the [bleep]?

This is like some m*rder mystery, like, movie lunatic [bleep].

The good news is, "Taken Ronnie" has returned. There was...

There... There was "Taken" and there was "Taken, Part Two"... Yeah.

"Taken, Part Three"... Yeah.

And there was "Taken Ronnie." Yeah.

"Taken Ronnie" is like, "I have a very particular set of skills.

[laughs][laughs]

Jen's like, "I'm gonna [bleep] k*ll you!"

He's like, "Good luck." [laughs][laughs]

♪ Oh we gotta go just to find that place to call home ♪

To get run over by a vehicle and have a home invasion in the same month?

Now she has this big story she kind of conjured up.

She wouldn't do that.

♪ Well I just got the news and I don't know what to do ♪

What did they steal, exactly? Her phone.

I guess they probably took her phone so she couldn't call for help.

Your life is a [bleep] movie.

It's a television show.

No, like, it's a bad movie, Ron, lately. It seems very weird.

This is definitely a bit fishy. Ronnie, he had his baby moms blocked.

She was moved out of his house. But now she's coming up with a whole new development,

saying that it was a home invasion.

All right, it's time to get some food. Let's roll out, fellas.

Let's roll out, fellas. Have fun, guys.

I think at this particular moment, Ron needs just myself and the fellas...

Bye, guys.

...to really sit him down, and maybe we'll get to

the bottom of what's really going on.

All right, fellas. We out.

♪♪

Little bit of a t-storm.

Ooh. It's time to feast, fellas.

Ooh. Oh, wow. Oh. T-storm.

Ooh. T-storm runnin' through.

Speaking of "T"... In the past couple months,

there's been a series of unfortunate events...

"Ronnie Magro and the Series of Unfortunate Events." Yeah.

I can't-- I can't help the events that just happened today, you know?

That I have no control over that.

♪♪

I'll be honest with you, I think I'm gonna have to find a way

to tell Ronnie Jen is full of [bleep], and her story, it's not really adding up right now.

To get run over by a vehicle and have a home invasion in the same month?

♪♪

Now she has this big story she kind of conjured up.

She wouldn't do that.

What the [bleep]? To tell a lie about getting robbed--

I had a girl that used to have asthma. And like, when I used to break up with her,

she used to give herself an asthma attack and send herself to the hospital.

Yeah, but n-- So I would go chase her.

She wouldn't do that with the baby, though, bro.

If there was no baby, I'm pr-- then I would be like,

that's probably made up, you know what I mean?

She's done so many crazy things to you. Why is it impossible for her to lie about this?

I think he just conjures up stories in his head of her being a trusting person.

Were you dragged from the car?

It was just a bunch of unfortunate events where I was just...

There-- there has to be... something that ties it all together.

But do you recognize the blood and the mugshots

and the police, and... Yeah, I know.

the whole trail of tears? Just had that conversation, yeah.

It's that place, bro. What do you think about it?

That I just don't trust the company that she keeps.

It's the people you surround yourself with, basically it.

[slurping]

I mean, Ronnie cannot seem to get a grip on his life.

Jen is manipu... manipulative. Manip-- manipulative.

Manipulative. Manip-- whatever it is. Dude, Ron, run!

Gotta take a piss. [groans]

♪♪

She still has a grip on him somehow. In some way, shape, or form.

She's affecting him from thousands of miles away.

"It's just the people she's around." Oh.

Series of unfortunate events.

♪♪

How're you doing? I'm all right, I feel better.

She's at the new-- she's at the new house.

But I just don't like how the person knows

what the inside of the house looks like, knows what she has.

They know how to get in, they know how to get out.

Can't have that [bleep]. No, that's scary.

If it was me in the situation Ron was in, I would be

leaving the house and flying back to Vegas.

I have no idea what Ron's gonna do.

He hasn't really told any of us what his plan is.

As long as you're doing all right. Yeah, I just wanna make sure--

'Cause I know you've been in like, a little funk, and now this.

I gotta do whatever I gotta do to make sure that wherever she's gonna be at is gonna be safe.

Ron, are you not going home because you just wanna stay for the event?

Don't do that. Like, I know like-- No, it's fine.

No, I know like-- you feel like, maybe guilty,

because of like the past with, like, everything with my dad.

But like, I don't want you to feel like you have to stick around. No, I know.

I know this means a lot to you too and you wanna be here.

And your house just got broken into, and I totally understand.

If you need to go home, like, you totally should go home.

I feel better now that Jen and the baby are staying at my house.

So I wanna be here for Deena.

I'm gonna figure it out.

I feel like with all the bad [bleep] that's going on, I feel like I need to

kind of do something good. It'll give me some good aura.

So I'm gonna book the next flight out in the morning and be out as soon as I wake up.

Everything's gonna be fine. It's gonna be a good night.

Should we put what we're auctioning off on these things?

Yeah, everything that's like, live auction, we'll put a list...

Oh, cool. And like, how much it is.

"Touch Vinny's D, bucks." [laughing] Angelina will be like...

[laughing] "Here's my money!"

I need to get a rally going to get Angelina pounded out.

[cheering]

I mean, honestly, you might as well go on to your fourth engagement,

'cause this [bleep] ain't gonna last after this song.

Oh, my God. Chris. Chris, get up here right now.

[cheering]

♪I'm screaming from the rooftop ♪

♪ Shout out to the world ♪

♪ Let your light shine on every boy and girl ♪

♪♪

Give me strength.

♪♪

Prank w*r champion!

We can go. Ready to go?

You ready? All right, let's go.

[megaphone siren blaring] Shotgun. Cabs a'here.

He's go-- he's gonna pass out. That's fun, right?

Cabs a'here!

Oh, [bleep].

Now you got glitter all over you.

I'm getting this [bleep] all over me, bro.

I know, I got it all over my shorts.

Looks like Pauly just left Crazy Horse.

So today's the day. Be the Match.

"[bleep] cancer" on three. "[bleep] cancer" on three.

One, two, three.

[bleep] cancer!

We hate you. Hell yeah.

♪ Angelina ain't got pounded out in a long time ♪

♪ Angelina ain't got pounded out in a long time ♪

♪ Angelina ain't got pounded out in a long time ♪

It's true.

♪ Angelina ain't got pounded out in a long time ♪

♪♪

♪ Angeliner ain't got pounded out in a long time ♪

It's very catchy.

♪♪

Help me out here with this, fellers. Oh, hell yeah.

♪♪

[cheering]

♪♪

Thank you for doing this. We are so excited.

No, it's amazing.

Jenks is one of those, like, staple places that we used to come to.

The fact that we're doing a fundraiser at Jenks...

He just donated.

This is gonna be really fun for us.

Put the shirts-- we'll put 'em over here.

Everyone has their buckets, they're getting people to donate.

Do it. Money for the children.

We're gonna have, like, a whole live auction.

And I'm so excited, and I just can't wait to get this ball rolling.

I'm gonna get people to do the swab.

Can I swab?

Do you wanna register to be a donor?

Oh yeah, I can. If you wanna go right over here.

Like you're brushing your cheek with your tooth-- brush your teeth, yeah, exactly.

For like five seconds.

You have a chance to save someone's life with leukemia or a blood disease.

Like, you'll be put in the database.

Genetics... Yeah.

Raising money for Be the Match and getting as many donors as possible

for people that need bone marrow transplants,

this is one of main reasons why I wanna do this event.

Do you wanna swab, Nicole?

No, it's totally fine. Yeah, I'll swab.

This event means so much to me.

This is like, my birthday gift to my dad in heaven.

Hi, would you guys like to donate?

Oh, I love you. Thank you.

Nice donation! Thank you, thank you.

Hey, give me your money!

Get your Ron-Ron juice! Thank you so much.

Give your donations here! Be the Match! Yeah, buddy!

Who wants one? Put your hands up.

So my contribution's Ron-Ron juice.

Usually it's trouble, but not today, Satan. [laughing] Not today.

One, two, three, four.

Hi, baby. What's going on?

I'm honestly so grateful that Danny came to support me,

and he made all the t-shirts for the event.

Maybe set up another table, and we'll start auctioning them.

Uncle Nino's in the building! Ohh! What the [bleep]!

Who's making more money?

This fundraiser means a lot to Deena.

Her dad passed away from this disease,

and my uncle recently passed away from this same disease.

So we're all coming together. Everyone is contributing.

We're, like, really putting our hearts into this and you can really tell.

Look at all this. We're filling this cup up.

I want a picture with Snooki! Oh. For money.

Ohh, yay! Oh, I love it. It's my dad.

During my wedding, I walked down the aisle with my bouquet,

and Chris brought the pendant I wore with my dad's face on it

so I can put it on my shirt and, like, have my dad close to my heart through the entire event.

Honestly, my husband is the best.

I love you. I love you too.

It was just such an amazing day

because I have my roommates, my husband, my mom.

I just feel the love in the room.

Babe! What's up, babe? Missed you.

I missed you too. I love you.

Oddly enough, it's not awkward for me to see Chris.

When we see each other, we give, like, daps to each other. We pound it out.

What's up, my brother? How you doing?

Chris pounds me out more than Angelina. [laughing]

This is so nice, right? A million people are out here.

So excited right now. We're doing the Angelina song on stage.

And not only are we doing it in front of Chris, we're doing it in front of, like, , people.

It's gonna be ♪ Awk-ward ♪

♪♪

Jenkinson's, put your hands up for DJ Pauly D!

[cheering]

[chanting] Pauly! Pauly! Pauly! Pauly!

[chanting] Pauly! Pauly! Pauly!

Close your eyes and get ready for a new revolution in musical entertainment.

Get ready for DJ Pauly D.

[cheering]

Put your hands up for DJ Pauly D!

Whoo! Go Pauly!

[cheering] ♪♪

What's really dope for me is I do this for a living, I do this to get people hyped.

Now I'm doing this to save lives. So doing this for a great cause? I love it.

Hey, yo, Vinny, you ready to start this auction or what?

Yeah, I'm ready to go. Yo, make some noise for DJ Pauly D right now.

[cheering]

Make some noise for the "Jersey Shore" cast here right now. I need the whole cast on stage.

Come on. Where is everybody?

Everything is going amazing. Jenks is getting packed, the crowd is so lively.

I feel the love in the room, I know my dad is there, and this is just perfect.

I'm gonna pee my pants. Hold up...

We're doing an auction here to raise money for blood cancer, okay?

So we're gonna do a live auction, and it's gonna involve stuff with us, all right?

This first auction that we're doing is insanity, okay?

'Cause this has never been done before.

This auction is to touch Pauly D's blowout!

[cheering]

The highest bidder gets to touch Pauly D's blowout. Pauly...

Never been done before. I got $ right here.

Can anybody beat $? Right here... We got .

Can anybody beat ? Raise your hand, raise your hand if you can beat .

right there. We got .

right there! We got ! Holy [bleep]!

Hold on, hold up, hold up.

$!$!

Hold up, we got $ right there. We got up there.

Pauly D positivity! You both touch my hair tonight!

Bring up , we gotta do three tonight!

This is all because of you, Deena, I'm letting them touch my hair.

Yes! You already know.

This never happens.

I'm ready, bring it on. Be gentle.

Damn, you're not even gonna look me in the eye and touch it? Damn!

Can I touch your hair, Pauly? You can!

All right. Thank you!

On the count of three... On the count of three.

One, two, three.

[slow-motion] Touch it! Ohh!

[slow-motion] It doesn't move!

This is the best day of my life! [laughing]

Back in the day when I created this hairstyle, this blowout,

I never in a million years could ever think people would actually pay money to touch it.

Wait, wait, wait, we got one more auction to take a shot with my girl Snooki.

[cheering]

All right, so $. Can anyone beat $? $? Oh damn.

We got . Oh damn. Oh, I got $.

$. -- How much you got, brother? -- what is that? $!

He gets a [bleep] shot with Snooki! Holy [bleep]! $! How much?

! ! -- !

Yo, hold up, you're not going anywhere, brother.

So not only am I raising a [bleep]-ton of money, but I'm also getting wasted.

We got a bunch of shots on there, okay?

I mean, I always wanted to be a fl-- th-- [stuttering] [laughing]

How much, how much, how much?

I mean, I wanted to do good things. So here I am.

I'm a "floranthropist." Who made that word up?

Hold up, hold up. How many shots we got? We got one, two, three,

four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. I got nine places to fill.

Oh, my God. Like, I'm gonna get [bleep]ed up and end up in the hospital...

I'm taking it.

...but it's for charity, so.

Take that shot. Cheers. There ya go.

Everybody, come around to Snooki over here.

Let's make a line. Single file, please.

I think Nicole taking nine shots is, like, a perfect auction item for her,

because Snooki is, like, the MVP of drinking, okay?

One, two, three. Put a shot...

Salud.Wait, one at a time, one at a time, one at a time.

Like, taking a shot with Snooki is like taking a free throw with Michael Jordan.

Go! One, two, three.

Yeah! Yeah! All right. Next.

It's like boxing with Floyd Mayweather.

Savage.

It's like swimming with Michael Phelps, okay?

Next. Nicole, you're gonna pass out. You okay?

Who? Nicole? How ya feeling?

Oh, she'll be fine. Nicole will be fine. Good! Toast!

♪♪

She's like a work of art, you know what I'm saying?

Just amazing, like a beautiful disaster,

you know, where we can have fun...

[cash register sound effect] I still got it at years old.

[belching] Pardon!

starting bid. Uncle Nino. Come on, Uncle Nino.

Having this fundraiser tonight, it feels awesome.

♪♪

Something that personally has affected me and Deena.

Also, I love something where, like, all the roommates can get together

and give back for something so serious.

Hey, can anyone beat to have a trash bag race with the Staten Island Dump?

Oooh! Oooh! Ooh! $ to arm wrestle "Come At Me Bro" Ronnie.

One shot, bro! Who wrote the note?!

[cheering]

I'm too old for this [bleep]!

Let's see who can eat the most meatballs with Mike.

Like, somebody wanted to do everything...

Shove the ba*ls in your mouth already. Come on.

...that was going on.

Give it up for Eric the winner right here.

This money is literally going to save lives. It's amazing.

Shout-out to Be A Match for being here.

Thank you for donating.

[cheering]

Yo, we were sitting down at dinner the other day.

I can't get over this conversation that we had. You remember that conversation?

I remember the conversation very clearly, actually.

Angelina was talking to us, right?

Regular conversation, you know.

And she started talking about what she does in the bedroom. Okay? Oh, yeah!

What the [bleep]? You gotta be kidding me.

Chris, get out here right now. Oh, my God.

Angelina was saying that the first time that her and Chris

had intimate relations, she had really good sex.

[screaming] They had really good sex.

Oh, my God. It's happening.

But, she said that she hasn't gotten it like that in a very long time.

I need to get a rally going to get Angelina pounded out again like that.

[cheering]

I mean, honestly, you might as well go on to your fourth engagement,

'cause this [bleep] ain't gonna last after this song.

One, two, three! Pound it! Pound it!

♪ Angelina ain't got pounded out in a long time ♪

♪ Angelina ain't got pounded out in a long time ♪

♪ Angelina ain't got pounded out in a long time ♪

♪ Time time time ♪

♪ Time time time time time time time ♪ Sing along with us!

♪ Angelina ain't got pounded out in a long time ♪

♪ Angelina ain't got pounded out in a long time ♪

♪ Angelina ain't got pounded... ♪

It's like a national, like, call now.

♪ Angelina ain't got pounded out in a long time ♪

Shout-out to Chris, who's pounding out Angelina tonight.

[screaming]

Shout-out to Be a Match for being here.

Thank you for donating.

♪♪ [cheering]

I couldn't of asked for a better day, a better fundraiser.

And I know my dad is up there, so proud of me and the roommates.

It's just an amazing night.

This is going to be the best memory I've ever had with my roommates.

Out of all the shore houses, all the memories we had, this is my favorite.

Ready to quiet the music for a second.

The numbers are in, of how much money we raised here tonight. [cheering]

Shout-out to Jenks, one of the best bars on the [bleep] Jersey Shore.

Jenks donated $, to the cause. Yeah, buddy!

All my roommates made this happen, especially Deena... We love you, Deena!

Everybody together. All of you made this happen.

And the grand total of how much money we're giving to Be A Match tonight...

$,!

[cheering]

Everyone, make some noise for yourselves. Thank you so much!

It's all thanks to you guys for coming out and doing this!

Thank you, everyone, so much.

It's amazing. It's an amazing cause.

It's happy tears because we've raised so much money,

sad tears 'cause I miss my dad.

But he's always gonna be here with me, and I know he's probably blown away.

Yo, Pauly D. Wanna keep the party going? Let's keep the party going.

♪ Yeah, baby, in the sky, in the sky ♪

♪ We're tired of running so we'll fly, yeah, we'll fly ♪

That's what I'm talking about! That's why I love New Jersey!

We're celebrating today and leaving on a [bleep] high note,

because everyone came together to make this night successful.

And in a matter of hours, we raised k to kick cancer's a*s.

♪♪

Tonight was the most epic night in the Jersey Shore.

♪ Yeah, the world keeps spinning ♪

The goal was to reunite with the squad, turn up, and live our best life.

And guess what? We did that. We had good times...

[cheering]

We did it!

We had bad times...

Oh! Stop talking about me!

[bleep] you! And at the end of the day...

I'm peeing! [laughing]

...we're barely getting out alive.

[screaming and laughing]

He twisted his ankle!

We're so happy to end on such a high note.

♪♪

Put 'em up, put 'em up, put 'em up, put 'em up!

No, I don't know what's next in my life, but you know,

I feel like I just need to... start focusing more

on the positive things in my life, you know?

A lot of [bleep] has happened. Yeah, me and Jen have fought,

and things'll be on social media, but at the same time,

it's like there's good things in my life.

Like, I have a beautiful daughter, I have wonderful friends.

And I think that, once I start focusing on the good,

good things will start happening.

♪♪ Ronnie, stop dancing with my man!

♪♪

Ronnie has been going through it this year.

The hardest part is to watch Ronnie actually do this to himself.

I don't know what the wakeup call's gonna be,

but Ronnie should know that we will be here for him every single day.

Oh! Give it up for my man. Three years sober.

The summer is over, okay, but Big Daddy Sitch still has some big dates ahead.

I still have my court date, working on planning a wedding right now,

and to be honest with you, it's nothing but positive vibes.

I've been dealing with this court date for years, and when that day comes,

we're hoping for a positive result.

♪♪

I'm really looking forward to Mike and Lauren's wedding.

It's gonna be a amazing, and it's gonna be another thing

that all my roommates get to do together.

And, like, we love going through these real chapters in our lives together.

Hands up right now for the Jersey Shore!

♪ I know I know I ♪

♪ Everywhere I go ♪

♪ I know that I'm not alone ♪

So this year has been a wild ride. We went from Vegas...

[shouting]

...to Atlantic City... [fans chanting Pauly's name]

...to Seaside to Manalapan. It doesn't matter where we are.

It's gonna be lit. So I'm ready to take another vacation,

so I'm just wondering about where we're gonna end up next.

See y'all on the next vacation. Yeah, buddy!

♪ I know that I'm not alone ♪

[cheering]

For you at home right now, the fight is not over!

This is your chance to donate.

Hit the link below. Be the match!

♪♪