02x21 - The Dude Ranch

[bunniefuu]

[Pauly D] [gasps] He got eight months.

"'Jersey Shore' star Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino

sentenced to eight months in prison."

Oh my God.

What the [bleep]? I cannot believe this.

I got robbed the other night for my gold Gen-X chain.

Get the [bleep] outta here. Where?

Uh, Secaucus.

Secaucus?

[Vinny] Jenni?

The last thing I wanna do is talk about my life.

Ron, what's your update like?

[Ronnie] It's [bleep] real annoying that Jenni won't talk

about her divorce, but she loves to be involved

in other people's business.

So I took the initiative to book a dude ranch

for after court. Oh!

We really need to get Mike out of post-court stress.

[Deena] Lake George, here we come!

♪ Here I come

Yeah, buddy!

Party's here!

The Situation is under construction.

This might not have been the best idea.

We're so classy now.

On the seventh day, it'll be lit.

Get the frig outta here, you crazy!

Um, hello?!

♪♪

♪ Here I come ♪

♪♪

[Jenni] Oh, the windows are open?

Why am I overheating really bad back here?

Oh, I feel it now.

That's what she said.

♪♪

♪ bottles of beer on the wall ♪

♪ bottles of... No, stop. k*ll yourself.

♪ Take one down, pass it around ♪

♪ Snooki will drink all the beers on the wall ♪

♪ Snooki will drink all the beers on the wall ♪

[men] ♪ Snooki will drink all the beers ♪

♪ Take one down and pass it around ♪

♪ Snooki will drink all the beers on the wall ♪

[Nicole] I don't like beer.

[laughter]

[Deena] Ronnie will-- Yeah, that's Ron.

[men] ♪ Ronnie will drink all the beer ♪

♪ Pass one down, take it around ♪

♪ Ronnie will drink all the beers on the wall ♪

♪♪

[Pauly] Oh, man. This has been the longest drive

I've ever taken in my life.

[Vinny] I see life.

Oh my God, I see civilization.

Oh my God, this was definitely the longest ride ever.

But I'm just really happy we're here all together.

[Jenni] Mike, g*n it, we gotta get there.

[Vinny] Jenni. Get up, I just farted.

Oh my God! Whoa!

[overlapping shouting]

[Nicole] Oh my God, lower the windows!

Get me out! Let me out! Get me out!

Oh my God, that ain't Keto.

[Deena] Vinny, you couldn't wait two seconds?

Just clench it. [Vinny] I tried.

Do you not know how to clench your [bleep]?

That's really gross, honestly.

[Deena] Yeah, I wish you would've just waited a couple minutes.

I tried but, you know...God.

Vinny is the frickin' worst.

Not only are his Keto farts disgusting,

but he just chooses the [bleep] times

to freaking let 'em loose.

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

You guys, it's freezing. I love it. It's so fall-y.

Where's all the dudes?

Hello?

[man] Well, welcome, cowboys and cowgirls.

Hi.H-- whoa, hey!

Welcome to the Stony Creek Ranch Resort.

My name's Scott, I'm the owner of the place.

Anything you need, just let me know.

Wow, cool. Nice to meet you, Scott.

[overlapping chatter] Thank you.

I know you've had a long drive, your cabins are ready to go.

You're gonna come around over here

to our Elk Run cabins for you.

Wait, we're on the water?

You're right on the water overlooking the Hudson.

We can fish?

Yes. I'm jumping in.

So X marks the spot,

and you're gonna have a great getaway.

Oh, awesome. Thank you.

[overlapping chatter]

Thank you, guys.

[Jenni] To the cabins! I'm excited.

I grew up in upstate New York.

This is like, this is like my childhood.

Like, I love fishing, kayaking, boating.

And, you know, tipping cows,

but we don't do that anymore 'cause it's .

[Nicole] So do girls and boys? Yeah.

So when I think of a good time back in the day,

I think of this.

And that's why I want Mike to enjoy it.

[Nicole] All right, let's go see our cabin.

This is so fun!

I'm like, oh my God, this is so upstate, this is so cute.

Oh, I like that-- [gasps] outside with like, a wine.

It's reminding me of "Dirty Dancing."

♪♪

[Angelina] "Welcome to the cabin."

[Pauly] Yo, if you need me,

I'll be kickin' it on this porch.

[Mike] Oh, [bleep]!

We ain't in Secaucus no more!

Yo, this remind me of the Shore house.

[laughter] Yo! This is reminding me of the Shore house.

[Vinny] Oh, [bleep], it smells like the Shore house.

[Mike] A'ight, where the food at?

Oh, S'mores!

This is cute, but I think theirs is bigger.

So there's three beds, so how's this gonna work? I'm so confused.

[Jenni] We got Dee her own spot.

[Nicole] Oh yeah, have alone time? That's good.

All right, Dee, do you wanna go check out the other one? Yeah.

So I got three beds for Angelina, myself, and Nicole,

and then I got a cabin by itself.

Since she's pregnant, Deena said she'd like to be alone.

♪ Ta-da

Oh, it's actually really cute in here. Oh, it's a-- oh, it is cute.

Aww! I might be pregnant. [laughter]

[Ronnie] Yo, I'm roomin' with Mike.

[Mike] Oh, [bleep]! A'ight, a'ight.

[Ronnie] Keep tradition going.

Big Daddy Sitch came out here to relax.

I'm trying to live my best life while I still have my freedoms.

[laughter] You look like a 's drug dealer.

Well, that's because I was. [laughter]

I'm so excited to have a chill, drama-free,

peaceful getaway with my best friends

after one of the biggest events of my life.

[Nicole] This reminds me of my house in Seaside.

I mean, I like it. I just am like, nervous I'm gonna be scared.

[Nicole] Yeah, I wouldn't sleep alone.

Jenni was super sweet and got me my own cabin.

But I thought it was gonna be like,

I would be with everyone in a house,

but I would have my own room like in Manalapan.

Just sleep with us. She shouldn't stay here, it's in the middle of nowhere.

[Jenni] Well, okay, so do you wanna make Angelina

[bleep] sleep on the couch? What are we doing?

I don't understand how this is working right now. This is so annoying.

If we got a pullout, would you take a pullout?

Like, I'm not gonna-- my back is k*lling me. Yeah, she has a bad back.

[Angelina] I'm like, I'm not [bleep] around.

Why am I the only one that has to sleep on the floor?

Like, why is it that like, Jenni doesn't offer

or like, Nicole doesn't offer?

I mean, I r-- I'm gonna be honest with you,

pullout is hard as [bleep]. I'm not doing it. I can't.

[grunting] This Tempur-Pedic?

Ooh, these are nice. [exhales] [Vinny chuckles]

[Nicole] I don't wanna argue about beds all night.

It's fine, I'll just stay here-- No, no, no!

You're staying with us and we'll figure it out.

[Angelina] I don't feel comfortable not having a bed, it's not cool.

What if we take in the mattress?

What do you mean? On the floor?

Yeah. I'm not doing it.

"Ugh, my God!" It's like I asked Angelina

to sleep on the dirt floor outside.

A double mattress? [Angelina] I can't.

And then I'm like, are you [bleep] kidding me, dude? You know what?

Move it, I'm out.

Let's go. [Angelina] You're gonna break your [bleep].

Angelina, I'm giving you my bed, have at it.

I'm the one that's-- that's gotta deal with this right now.

I just wanna go [bleep] home at this point, I'm pissed.

[Nicole] So go home then.

I carried a [bleep] bed over here

just in case this doesn't work.

I'm gonna borrow this one from [bleep] Deena's room.

Just let me carry it right over...

Can't [bleep] see where I'm going.

Not a big deal, bigger problems in this world.

Our [bleep] friend's going to jail for eight months.

It's just something I don't need right now

after -- almost hours in a car.

All of us, Angelina, it's just not you.

No, I know, but I'm the one that has to deal with the mattress situation.

No, you're not, we were all trying to discuss who was gonna use the mattress.

[Nicole] It's literally not-- it's not the end of the world.

[Angelina] How are we in the woods and I'm [bleep] out of a bed?

[Deena] Listen, I am over the bed situation.

No one's telling Angelina she has to sleep on the floor

on the mattress or on the couch, and she's just going on about herself.

I literally am [bleep] out of a bed.

I [bleep] can't.

Like, how does this happen to me? It's not all about you!

[Jenni] You got a [bleep] bed!

It's not about me, but this is the [bleep] bed

I have to sleep on, Dee! It is about me! [Jenni] Oh my God!

No one's saying you have to sleep on that [bleep] bed!

Thank God! Thank God! All right!

So I don't know why you keep complaining!

I don't wanna sleep on that bed.

All right, no one's saying you have to.

Yes, you guys are. You're like-- No one's say-- Angelina...

[Nicole] You're stressing the pregnant woman out.

...you don't have to sit on that [bleep] bed. I get it.

You're stressing her out. Shut up.

You got the g*dd*mn bed, she's turning red.

This is not a vacation. I'm stressed the [bleep] out!

♪♪

[Nicole] You're stressing the pregnant woman out.

[Deena] So I don't know why you keep complaining!

Angelina, you don't have to sit on that [bleep] bed.

I get it, it's my fault 'cause I don't wanna sleep

in that [bleep] cabin. Shut up!

Deena is literally purple screaming

over the [bleep] bed situation.

I've never seen a pregnant girl so red.

She literally looks like an eggplant.

Oh my God! I gave you my bed.

Oh my God, I'm getting everyone a [bleep] bed!

All righty, [bleep] damn it! I wanna go home.

Actually, this place is really cool. I like nature.

[Ronnie] I like the way it smells, the fire and like-- Me too.

I love that smell. Like being in the woods.

My [bleep]'s falling apart. I want a good [bleep] time.

I don't give a [bleep] about a g*dd*mn bed.

Bed is the least, come on, let's move on.

I'm sleeping on the couch, it's fine.

Oh my God, you guys are so cray right now.

Yeah, get over it, dude.

Deena shoulda just slept in the cabin that she asked for

'cause she's the pregnant one and we wanted her

to sleep alone and nice.

But all of a sudden, she didn't wanna be alone.

[bleep] my life, Mike.

What happened? Big problem.

What happened?

Deena's flipping out. Why?

'Cause they wanted to give me a mattress on the floor.

They wanna get you a cot? A mattress on the floor.

Out of all the "Jersey Shore" seasons,

that was the loudest I've ever [bleep] yelled at someone.

[Nicole] She's annoying. Can you just think like an adult

and be like, "Okay, let's g-- let's go to the front desk

and say, 'Hey, I need a-- a bed thrown in here.'"

Seriously. [bleep].

Why don't you come in here and sleep with Vinny?

No. I'd rather k*ll myself.

All right.

Mike, shut up. All I heard was "sleep with Vinny."

Is anybody hungry over there?

[Angelina] I'm hungry. I'm hungrys.

[laughter] Oh my God, what a night.

I don't wanna fight with a pregnant girl,

that's the last thing I wanna do.

But it did happen, and you know what?

[bleep] does happen, and I feel bad about it.

But hell no, I'm not sleeping on the floor.

What am I, a dog? It's not cool.

I'm sorry I yelled at you, but I just felt like

you were going crazy about the thing and I was getting overwhelmed.

And when I'm pregnant, and with my hormones, I just lose it.

I know, I mean, but you just gotta understand

where I'm coming from a little bit.

But where are you coming from, though, really?

I don't wanna talk about this anymore 'cause it's just-- it's just not gonna--

I j-- I don't really wanna speak about it anymore.

Regardless, we're gonna take care of it

that no one's gonna sleep on the floor. [Nicole] Yeah.

Maybe if I wasn't pregnant and I could have a wine,

I would be like, all right, this place is okay.

But I'm gonna be Sober Sally here with a little baby

in my belly and I need him to be comfortable.

Here's my bed, moving on, not bad.

I'll sleep on the couch with you.

[both] Aww!

We'll have a slumber party. Yay!

Do you fart in your sleep? No.

Let's go.

Yee-haw!

♪ Hey, hey...

[Nicole] I hate drama and fighting,

so let's go have a drink and move on from this.

I see they have a little game of gentleman's pool in there.

Is that a buffet?

Bro, straight up thotties.

[Mike] They got thotties in there? [Pauly D] Yeah.

[Jenni] Oh, I hear a country.

[Nicole] Oh, they're jamming the beats. Oh, this is fun.

[Pauly D] Oh my God, look at this.

I need another bottle of wine before I do this.

Finally got to the dude ranch, takin' the Donkey Express!

What is this?

[horse whinnying]

We're at the dude ranch!

[slurring words] Here at the dude ranch...

God, this hurts my butt.

Why are you so used to it?

[Nicole] Whoa.

[Deena, laughing] I feel uncomfortable.

Where's the teacher? I'm drunk.

I am all about line dancing.

Yes.

I am not good at it... I kicked someone.

You kicked me!

...but I still enjoy it.

Come on, girl. Let's do another one.

You guys suck, come on.

Come on, guys, let's go dance.

They're scared.

[Jenni] I know it's not Thot-chella but...

Who's scared? [laughing] You.

I mean, I'm more of a fist-pumper, myself.

But if everybody here's doing line dancing, I'm game.

Right behind, left behind...

[Jenni] Oh, I [bleep] it up.

[all exclaiming]

[Nicole] What are you doing?

I messed up when I turned.

Line dancing is harder to learn than you think.

♪♪

You just hit me!

[Mike] Big Daddy Sitch, to be honest with you,

isn't the most coordinated...

Turn around.

...when it comes to hand and eye coordinations.

[Nicole] You're always early.

[Mike] Maybe it's hand and foot?

[laughter]

Yay! Yeah!

♪♪

[Angelina laughing]

[Pauly D laughing]

[Deena laughing]

Whoo!

Line dancing is very easy.

I'm a cheerleader, and it's very natural to me.

So I look like a professional on the dance floor.

Even if I'm spilling my wine everywhere, I don't care.

Oh yeah! Line dancing, yeah!

♪♪

[whip snapping] Big Daddy Sitch

has always had very, very good kicks.

So now that the kicks have been incorporated into the line dancing...

[whip snapping] ...let the fist-pumping begin.

[whip snapping]

Whoo! [laughing] [all cheering]

Yeah!

Thot-chella, Stony Creek Ranch style.

♪ Warm breeze blowin' late October night... ♪

Cheated.

Oh, okay. We're-- okay, we're gonn-- mm-hmm.

♪♪

Cheated! Cheating! She's cheating. Cheater!

[laughter]

Single Jenni.

[Vinny] Ooh, he's touching her.

[all gasping, exclaiming]

Whoa, there's a lot of touchy-feely going on over there.

Jenni came up with this idea about coming to this dude ranch.

Maybe she just wanted to find a dude.

[all clamoring]

She just grazed the johnson. [Nicole] Whoa!

Jenni's definitely doing what I did when all the [bleep] went down with me and Jen.

I just tried to act like it was fine, act like it was fine.

But you're going through a divorce with somebody you loved.

It doesn't [bleep] make sense.

I really do wanna be like, yo, how do you feel?

But she's gonna lie and just act like everything's

peaches and cream and everything's good.

There's no way that you are happy right now.

♪♪

Thank you. Let me just run away.

[Ronnie] How do you resist a man in a fleece vest?

[laughter]

[Nicole] I think we should go by the campfire and tell stories.

Let's bring our chairs from our porch. I wanna sit by the fire.

Oh, I'm gonna throw up. I drank too much.

I'll meet you down at the fire.

Yo, this is what happens when you put some guidos up

in a ranch like this, yo. Out here line dancing.

Goodness gracious. A'ight, we out.

Looks like we got some activities to do.

We're about to hit this bonfire, get some S'mores.

Tell some scary stories. About Angelina.

[music winding down]

This is some real ranch-y [bleep]

right here, sittin' by a fire.

[Nicole]S'mores!

Yaas!

Oh, this is nice. I wanna hear a scary story.

Vinny and Angelina are gone. Where are they?

They're bumping uglies. Ah [bleep].

Eww! "Bumping uglies," are you ? I don't know.

I was just like--

[Nicole] "They're bumping uglies." Eww.

I'm trying to get pregnant, I don't know about you [bleep].

You might be pregnant? Shut the [bleep] up.

Wait, what? Like, wait, wait, wait.

Ronaldo, are you serious?

[Deena] Oh my God. [Mike] Ronnie is pregnant again?

Maybe. What do you mean, maybe?

Oh my God. [Mike] Oh my God! [Nicole]Ron!

[Jenni] Oh my God! [Mike] Oh my God!

[overlapping chatter]

Oh my God!

[Jenni] You might be pregnant?

Yeah.

Ronaldo, are you serious?

Uh... maybe.

What do you mean, maybe?

She's late. [Nicole] She's late?!

How late? She's late! How late?

How late? How late, you [bleep]?

Enough. Oh my God!

She just had the baby like, a couple months ago!

Ronnie informs us that he might have another baby.

Like... I d-- I d-- my mind's blown right now.

[Pauly D] Yo, Vinny, Ronnie's pregnant!

Ronnie's pregnant again. [bleep], he is?

[Pauly D] He knocked up Jen again.

Are you serious? [Pauly D] Yeah.

[Vinny] Bro, pull the [bleep] out.

What the [bleep] is wrong with you?

[Nicole] It's definitely crazy to think Jen's pregnant again

because we just never know where they are in their relationship.

If they're happy, or if they're fighting in the public,

or she's dragging him in a car.

I mean, I just want them to be good

before they bring another baby into the world.

How are you gonna feel about that?

'Cause you guys are like, sometimes good, sometimes bad...

[Jenni] Are you good?

[all] Ooh!

[bleep]! Toxic! Toxic!

[Deena] No, it's like a serious question.

You guys are finally good, and now... you could?

I love being a father. So you'd be okay?

So like, that's-- yeah.

[Deena] So that's good. [Ronnie] Yeah.

[Jenni] That's a plus. So then that would be a good thing then.

I mean, I didn't want it just like...

second time will be the same thing, or... if not be--

[Nicole] It [bleep] gets worse! No...

It's like a pair of shoes, it's fine.

[Nicole] Did she take a test, though?

She-- I told her to wait for me.

She wants to take one now, but I told her to wait.

I wanna be there if she does it.

I'm excited about it, you know?

It's like, I would rather have another child with Jen than have

another child with another woman, you know?

It's like, why do I wanna have three baby's moms?

It's like, let's have kids, got one baby's mom, and then that's what it is.

As long as you guys are in a good place too, that's great.

Yeah, no, we're fine. I mean, we're...

listen, we tried to not make it happen,

but if it does happen, then we gotta...

That's what you said the first time.

[Jenni] You know, I feel like they need about five years of therapy

before another child.

It's my opinion, I'm allowed to have it,

this is America.

But apparently they're fine...

as he's sitting there with a [bleep] black eye.

Well, thank you for finally telling us.

That's so sweet of you.

Is that boy not using condoms?

Well, she had the I-- she got the birth control thing.

She has the DUI.

If she got a DUI, she's good.

[chuckling]

[Ronnie] I came up here and I'm like, yo, dude ranch, wild, like,

I thought we were gonna be in a judgment-free zone.

Like, come on.

Like, what, me having a kid is a [bleep] joke?

Since when has that become a joke?

I'm gonna pee real quick.

Wow.

Bro, he knocked her up again?

It's insane.

All right, can you tell a spooky story now?

I got a story.

There was this kid named Ronnie who got with this woman...

Where'd he meet her? He met her in Vegas.

All right. Didn't know her past.

All right.

Fast-forward a year from there.

Yeah. Had a baby together.

[Pauly D] All right. [Vinny] When they had the baby...

[Pauly D] Yeah? [Vinny] ...things turned toxic.

I'm talking craziness. [Pauly D] Oh, [bleep].

With people getting dragged by cars,

TVs being broken, road rash... craziness.

And then you know what happened?

He was on vacation with his friends,

and he had to leave suddenly 'cause his house got broken into.

Oh, [bleep]! Yo! [Pauly D] What else?

He put it on Instagram. Live? [Mike] For real?

He put it on Instagram Live for the world to see.

[Jenni] He put it on the Gram?Yeah.

[Vinny] But you know what happened? [Pauly D] What?

It was just a miscommunication.

[gasps]

[Vinny] Things turned nice and calm.

He got back with his friends, okay? [Mike] Yes.

Got back with his friends, was hangin' out one day.

He was in this hotel room, right?

All of a sudden, next day, all bloodied up.

Shiner on his face, cut in the back of his face, guess where he was.

[Mike] Where'd he go? Secaucus.

Secaucus? Oh, [bleep]!

[Vinny] The Sea-caucus. [Mike] Sea-caucus.

[bleep]. Mm-hmm.

[bleep] craziness. Damn.

And then it happened again.

[thunder rumbling]

[Deena] Oh my God.

There's another little spawn growing inside of that girl.

And then he went to a dude ranch.

Who knows if he's coming back? His story is still untold.

[all murmuring]

I know, I know, it's cra-- I'm sorry, guys.

I don't mean to freak you out. Scary as [bleep].

We have to go in. [laughing] I'm going to bed.

[Vinny] Go inside? [Mike] Yup, y'all ready?

[Pauly D] Vinny's story was terrifying.

I don't wanna hear any more scary stories. I'm out.

[Deena] Goodnight, guys. [Jenni] Goodnight.

[Mike] Goodnight. [Pauly D] Goodnight.

Yo, that was a scary-a*s story, bro.

[Vinny] I know, bro. I hope you can sleep tonight.

[Mike laughing]

[wolf howling]

[Deena] I'm exhausted. [Angelina] I'm ready to go to bed.

So I'm gonna sleep on the couch with Jenni.

It's so cold. Can't feel my n*pples.

[fly buzzing]

[buzzing stops]

I'm just gonna take a shower.

I'm gonna do that in the morning.

[door closing]

♪♪

[shower running]

[Pauly D] I am the prank w*r champion, and that does not change

'cause I'm in the middle of nowhere.

I'm putting some bugs in Vinny's bed

so when he wakes up, he can wake up to some creepy crawlers.

♪♪

[Vinny gasps, shrieks]

[giggling]

What?

[Vinny] There's a bug in my bed.

Where?

[Pauly gasps] What the [bleep] is that?

[Pauly, laughing] What the [bleep]?

That's fake. There's no way that's fake.

[Vinny shrieks]

[laughter]

[Vinny mock yelps]

Got ya! Prank w*r champion!

♪♪

[Pauly D] That's the one that kept buzzing in my ear all night.

Told you not to [bleep] with me. Think he laid eggs in my blowout.

Wonder what we're doing today.

I wanna like, drink beer, and fish.

Guido cowboys.

Let's grab Mike and go. I'm ready.

[Pauly D] So today we're gonna take advantage of this ranch.

We're out here, we're gonna do everything it has to offer.

[chuckling] Morning wood.

[guys laughing]

[Ronnie] Instead of tanning, gym, laundry,

we're gonna go horseback riding, fishing, canoeing,

possibly shovel some [bleep].

[Mike] Maybe I should jump in a canoe and start paddling.

[Pauly D] You won't do it. [Mike chuckling]

Anything to help Mike right now keep his mind off of prison.

[Jenni] b*tches, we going? Yeah, I'm ready.

[Nicole] Where are the boys? They're all down there.

Those are the boys? [Angelina and Deena] Yeah.

[Nicole] Shut up. I thought those were like, real cowboys.

[Deena] No, it's just our friends.

[Vinny] Oh, this is nasty. Oh, he's alive.

[Mike] That's how you get salmonellas.

No, it's not. That's how you get warts.

[shrieks] [Mike] Oh my God, you just pricked--

you just pricked yourself. Now you have salmonellas.

[shrieks] He's squirming like a [bleep].

Guidos, you know, we are city people.

We're sort of out of our element out here.

You gotta hit the button. He just threw the bait off...

[Mike] Yo, he just threw the-- ...off the thing.

[Pauly D] You forgot to hit the release button, you chooch.

[Ronnie laughing] This one?

No, this one.

♪♪

[overlapping chatter, laughter]

I did! Bro, give me that thing.

We're not really the fisherman type.

But when I was a kid, I used to fish with my father, so I can get this.

It's like riding a bike, you never forget to fish.

I'm 'bout to catch me some dinner.

[laughter]

[Pauly D] That didn't work.

You have to undo the lock right when you go... here.

Ugh!

Guidos...

♪♪

Damn it! [sighs]

The guidos are not very good at fishing.

We know how to fist-pump, we can beat the beat up real good.

But fishing?

[water splashes]

Ehh, not so much.

[laughter] [bleep]!

Got something on this reel.

[Deena] Doesn't it look so pretty,

the mountains with like, the fall colors?

[Nicole] This is gorgeous. [Deena] It really is.

[Mike] You wanna jump in the kayak? [Jenni] I do.

[Nicole] Let's all go in this. Let's all go in this.

[Mike] We're goin' in the boat. [Nicole] Can we all fit?

[Angelina] All right. [Mike] We're going in the boat.

[Ronnie] Yeah, we're smuggling Mike to Canada, let's go.

[Mike] Smuggle Mike to Canadas.

[laughter]

[Nicole] Does it feel like it's gonna flip? No.

Oh yeah, you finna sink, yeah!

[laughter]

[Jenni] Oh my God! [Nicole shrieking]

[overlapping bleeps, shrieks] All right, wait, wait, wait--

See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!

[Mike] Oh, wait, wait. This way.

No, wrong way. Am I going the wr-- wrong way, wrong way.

[Ronnie] Wrong way, wrong way.

[Jenni] It says two-person max.

I'm trying to balance out right no-- Yo, it's a two-person max?

[Jenni] Yes. [shrieks]

Oh, [bleep]! Oh, [bleep]!

Yo, this thing's sinking. This isn't fun.

This thing is gonna sink. [laughing] This is not fun.

This thing is going to sink. I-I regret this!

This thing is going to sink. Oh my God!

[Nicole shrieks] Oh my God! Yo, they're gonna tip!

They're gonna tip! They're gonna tip! This is the best day of my life.

I'm getting Hudson River on my face right now.

It's only supposed to fit two guidos, not four!

I'm trying to get to safety!

[Nicole and Ronnie] Oh my God!

Oh my God, stop moving!

When one person moves in that boat, they all move.

They're going down like guido Titanic.

Oh my God, wait, there's probably

snapping turtles in this [bleep].

There's probably bodies. Michael! Mike, your--

Michael, you're splashing me with the [bleep] water!

[Nicole] Oh my God, Mike! Mike, I'm soaked!

[overlapping chatter]

[Mike] Let me balance the boat. I'm getting out first. [bleep] off.

Oh my God. Every man for himself. [shrieks]

Oh, we got somebody over here.

[Vinny] Oh, cool. Is everybody going or just a few of you?

I'm gonna horseback ride. Me and Vinny will horseback.

I need a food. I definitely wanna ride, um,

the horsies, but I hate doing scary rides sober.

So I feel like getting my drink on.

I would like a pinot grigio.

I'll just do water, please. [man] Water?

I just had a Dr. Pepper, so I don't wanna get too crazy.

[Ronnie] Of course they're at the bar.

[Deena and Nicole] Oh, Ron!

[Angelina] Hello, Ronald. [Ronnie] Hello.

We're drinking already, you gotta drink with us.

[Ronnie] Sure.

[Mike] It is amazing how you can put Ronnie and Nicole

in the middle of nowhere, and they will find a bar.

[both chanting] Ronnie! Ronaldo! Ronaldo! Ronaldo!

You're drinking a wine like a grandma.

I'm willing to do a shot.

All right, so I'll do one with you.

[Nicole] Oh my God, but I don't wanna go too crazy yet

because it's still, you know, early.

But like, once I get my spiral partner, it's on.

Give her another shot. You can't get a DUI on a horse, right?

[Pauly D] Where'd they all go?

[Jenni] They're probably drinking.

Was Ron like, really, really drunk last night and making [bleep] up?

Yo, I don't-- Did you guys hear--

Oh! I-I forgot all about that. Dude, I know!

That happened last night. That happened.

Ronnie dropped a b*mb on us last night.

He lets us know that his baby mama could possibly be pregnant.

Like, what the [bleep], dude? You haven't learned yet?

He was going on and on about like, an IUD,

and not trying but trying. I don't...

I know, he was like... No, no, no, that's an excuse.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, I know, 'cause he's like, they're perfect.

Like, he's like, "yeah, we're better--"

She's like, "I love him so much. We had a rough patch, but we're perfect."

That's how you know they ain't good. There's some miscommunication.

That's how you know they ain't perfect.

I mean, their relationship's a roller coaster.

The last thing they need to do is have another baby.

Ron says he's fine with it, but we all know

it's only a matter of time before he falls apart.

I just hope it doesn't ruin our trip for Mike.

Ronnie'll be fine as long as he doesn't drink.

[Pauly D] Gonna get lunch, I guess, right? Wow, look at this spread, bro.

You guys help yourself. If you want something, just let me know.

They have brownies. What a country.

They have nuggets. [Jenni] Oh, hi, Michael Sorrentino.

[Pauly D] That is the dinner before the dinner.

Are you guys gonna be horseback riding? Yes.

Whenever you guys are ready, we can head out.

I need my cowboy hat. Yeah, why don't you have a hat?

[Vinny] Can't a ride a horse without my cowboy hat.

Not really gonna work with my flow.

[Jenni, laughing] Oh my God. [Vinny] It sits on top of the blowout.

Let me see what I can do.

You can't ride a horse without a cowboy hat, everybody knows that.

Problem is, cowboy hat doesn't fit over this blowout.

So I need to customize mine.

I'm a guido MacGyver.

[laughing] That's amazing.

Howdy, partner.

[Vinny] Wow, look at that.

[Pauly D] A blowout-friendly cowboy hat.

[Jenni] Do you know where our roommates are?

[Pauly D] These guys aren't real cowboys like me.

[Deena] Oh, hello, guys.

Sick hat. Thanks, girl.

[Mike] The horse girl is outside waiting for us.

Why, are we going now? [Jenni]Yeah.

Can I get another shot before I go see these horses?

Oh my God. [Ronnie chuckling]

So the Spiral Squad in full effect at the dude ranch.

Not sure how this is gonna work.

That girl's waiting for us.

Oh God. Can I have my liquid courage?

[laughter] Let's go.

[Nicole] So I'm definitely excited to go horseback riding.

I love the horsies and I've done it once.

[groans] I need a Xanax.

It's definitely terrifying, but I prepared myself.

♪♪

[Pauly D] Where's all the horses? [Mike] Oh, right there.

[Nicole hiccups] My lips are tingly.

[hiccups] Can't even walk a straight line.

[Jenni] I apologize for the t*rd of my drunk friends.

[woman] No, no, you're fine.

So we're gonna start pulling horses for you guys.

So who is riding, who wants to ride? Me.

[Nicole] I would like to ride.

[Nicole belches] [laughter]

So... what we're gonna do is just the three of you guys today

because you guys were at the bar drinking, so...

Wait, what? Yeah.

Nicole's never drank in her life.

What're you talking about? [laughter]

This girl's a saint.

I don't wanna scare the horse with like, my drunk wine breath,

I don't wanna throw up on the horse, and I don't wanna

get a DWI on the horse, so I get it.

Mike, get on the horse. Okay, I'm ready. Let's do it.

One up over. There you go.

[horse nickers]

Is there a weight limit?

Why's his knees buckling?

[Vinny] To see Mike up on that horse, I feel bad for the horse

'cause that boy is thick, you know what I mean?

Like, I don't know who should be riding who.

[horse whinnying] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, [bleep] about to go str--

[Nicole] Oh, no!

[Pauly D] Horse is like, "[chuckles] Damn, boy, you thick."

[laughter]

[Mike] Listen, this is the first time

Big Daddy Sitch is riding a horse.

And to be honest with you, feel like I'm getting the hang of it.

Giddy up, horse! We're going to Canada!

[woman] To get him to go, just give him a kick.

Whoa, cool.

It's like the gas. Which one's the brake?

[woman] All right, so we're going out on the trail for a little bit.

Ride out, let's go. No, no, this way.

[Ronnie, laughing] Don't get c*ck. Don't get c*ck.

[Jenni] See you at dinner. [Deena] Bye!

[Pauly D] Come on, girl. [Jenni] Don't die.

[Nicole and Ronnie] All right, let's go to the bar.

[Jenni] I'm gonna go visit the pigs.

[Deena] Yeah, let's go to the petting zoo

and then let's go back inside--

[Nicole] To the bar? [Deena chuckles]

♪♪

Howdy. [horse nickers]

Come on. Come on, now.

Oh, [bleep]. Come on, now. Come on.

I'm gettin' a workout on my hips right now.

[Vinny] Hey, I just wanna let you know, I was a professional.

It's so funny, I used to go like, miles an hour.

When I was in the second grade,

I was a competitive horseback rider.

I won second place.

Good boy. [clicking tongue]

So I feel very comfortable and confident on this horse right now.

Okay, go around it, Peanut. Good boy.

[sheep bleating and pig snorting]

Oh, a piggy! Angelina, your family!

Hi, piggy!

[Deena] Mamas! [Angelina] They are so cute.

Hello! You guys are so adorable!

[Angelina] Oh my God, a little goat.

[shrieks] What?

[Nicole, laughing] He bit Angeliner.

[Angelina] It bit my shirt.

You hungry? [yelps]

[Ronnie] I feel like I'm Mike at a buffet.

Ready, guys? Watch this. Watch this.

[gasps] Be careful. [Nicole laughing]

[Ronnie] Nicole, Nicole, you better watch out,

'cause he will bite off your new face. I swear to God.

[laughter]

[Nicole] Now I can't, I can't.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, wait! Wait.

[all gasping]

[Jenni] No aggression. No, no, no, no. We are not fighting.

[Deena] Be nice. [Jenni] He's trying to mount--

Whoa! [gasps]

[Deena] Why whenever we come over here they get nasty to each other?

Oh! Ooh, he's mounted. Hey!

[Deena] These crazy goats and animals are fighting with each other and being weird.

And I'm like, oh my God, this is all of us drunk

in the "Jersey Shore" house when we were all single.

They're just trying to get it in, so let him get it in.

[all gasping] [Nicole] Ooh!

[Jenni] Oh my God! [all yelping]

[Angelina] Oh my God, stop it, Nicole!

[Ronnie] Oh, [bleep], no more petting zoo.

Let's go back to the bar. [goat bleating]

What's going on with you and Roger?

♪♪

We're good. There's nothing really to talk about.

It gets [bleep] real annoying that Jenni wants to always talk about my relationship,

but then she won't talk about her going through a divorce.

Toodle-oo, [bleep].

♪ Get away for a week... ♪

[Vinny] A tame horse never made a skilled cowboy.

Whoa, he's farting again.

[Mike] Goodness gracious.

[Nicole] We're back. Can I--

[man] Yeah. Can you refresh that?

[Ronnie] I'll do another draft. [Jenni] Do you have Guinness?

A beer? I-I saw his beer.

I love dark beer. What's wrong with that?

b*tch, you drink beer? I only drink dark, stout.

I'm way more attracted to you right now.

I like good stou-- I can't have a stout? You look so hot.

We're in the country. You're so hot.

[laughing]

Well, overall, I think Mike's doing amazing here.

He-- yeah. [overlapping chatter]

I was definitely nervous on our way up.

He's getting into his element.

He's having a great time.

I feel like we should do like, a bachelor party.

But like, a low-key, fun one up here.

I think that's an amazing idea.

Gotta do like, something cute but not like, typical

because Mike can't have drinking, can't have craziness, we don't want strippers.

I was thinking cute stuff. We'll do like, games...

♪♪

I like that. No strippers, cute stuff...

Lots of foods. No strippers.

Funfettis. Yes.

No? What's wrong with you?

[Ronnie] Sounds like a going-away party, not a bachelor party.

No strippers, Ron.

[Ronnie] Jenni just takes control of everything.

It's like, "Well, I wa--" "No, you can't have that,

this is what you're gonna have!"

It's like, relax. You're married already.

Worry about your divorce. Oh... too soon?

[Jenni] I need to ask you a question.

Go. Is Jen really pregnant?

[Nicole] Whoa. No, I don't know.

Are we celebrating, are we not celebr-- is it to be determined?

What's going on? No, no, it's-- it's to be determined.

I mean honestly, it's like, it gets [bleep] real annoying

that Jenni wants to always talk about my relationships,

but then she won't talk about her going through a divorce.

Now let me ask you a question.

Yeah.What's going on with you and Roger?

♪♪

We're good. There's nothing really to talk about.

I don't wanna make it a thing.

It's not that big of a deal, oh my God.

It's all over [bleep]. It's all over the [bleep] news, like...

I know, but I'm not talking about it.

Okay.

I'm not trying to be disrespectful,

I'm not trying to say hey, let's put your [bleep] out there,

but your [bleep] is out there.

TMZ, TooFab, "People Magazine," "US Weekly,"

the "Enquirer," [bleep] "Playboy," it's everywhere.

Like, your [bleep]'s out there, so why are we acting like it doesn't exist?

♪♪

My back is k*lling me. I'm gonna go rest...

Go relax. ...and just lay down.

Same. Toodle-oo, [bleep].

Oh my goodness gracious.

♪♪

I don't get it. Like, you're going through a rough time.

So we are family, we're roommates,

we're here to support each other.

They supported me, we supported Mike, we support Deena.

Like, why aren't you letting us support you?

It's crazy. I just wanna know how she feels, that's the thing.

Like what, do we not address it?

You guys addressed my relationship.

So why-- so what's the difference?

"Oh, is Jen pregnant again?" Yeah, you know, maybe she is,

maybe she's not, but I don't gotta [bleep] hide it, so...

But she's not ready to open up to this. All right.

So I wasn't ready to open up to this [bleep] either, but I had to.

That's on you. That's not on me.

It was on you guys 'cause you guys always talked about it--

Me? Everyone.

It was always brought up in things.

You guys never asked me, "Hey, Ron, do you guys

feel about-- comfortable talking about this?"

You guys just did it. So why is it different?

[bleep], dude, I make that one comment, you saw how mad she got?

Yeah.

Jenni's definitely doing what I did when all the [bleep] went down with me and Jen.

I just tried to act like it was fine, act like it was fine,

act like it was fine, but I wasn't.

I'm not trying to bash her or fight her.

I wanna know how she's feeling,

how she's doing, what is the truth.

I'll text her and I'll be like, hey, a long paragraph, she'll give me a thumbs up.

Like, she'll do the double-- the double-- and I'm like, really?

Like... it sh-- it's not right.

I'm not the relationship [bleep] doctor,

I'm not [bleep] Dr. Drew, but it's all about communication

and from what I'm seeing from Jenni,

she does not know how to communicate.

Jenni wants to brush it under the rug

and make believe it doesn't exist.

And like, you know what?

When you [bleep] brush enough dirt under the rug,

you know what happens to the rug?

It [bleep] builds up, and it [bleep] builds up,

and it builds up, and all the [bleep]

eventually comes out.

It's gotta be addressed.

♪♪

[Pauly D] That was awesome. I could do that all day. [Vinny] That was amazing, yeah.

That was like riding a dirt bike but slower.

[Nicole] Can we play pool? [Ronnie] Yeah, let's go.

Boo!

[Deena] Calm down, Tiger Woods.

[Pauly D] Put a couple of guidos in a ranch?

What a country.

Hi! [Mike] Yeah?

You wanna do dinner? Yeah.

The Italian place still, right? Yeah.

[Deena] All right.

This entire trip is for Mike,

and a big part of Mike is all about his foods.

So tonight we're gonna go to a nice Italian restaurant with my roomies and eat.

I think Ron and Nicole are spiraling, they might not come.

[loud rap music playing]

♪♪

Wait, they're still there? Yeah.

I thought he came back. No, Ni--

[Jenni] Nicole's next-level. Ronnie's drinking away his problems.

I say we go eat. Yeah, definitely.

[Jenni] I feel like the Spiral Squad is in their natural habitat,

so we're just gonna go and we're gonna let them continue.

[Vinny] There goes the neighborhood.

♪♪

Play a video game? Yeah.

[glass clattering]

Spiral Squad, clocking in again.

I'm scared. Here we go.

Where is everyone?

[slurring] Everyone went to Italian dinner.

The Italian dinner. And we're still here.

We stayed here, did our thing. Spiral Squad!

[whining, laughing]

What do you expect?

Put guidos in a dude ranch, are we to stay sober?

No!

[band playing rock music]

Oh, this music! Come on, Ron.

It's happening. Whoo! Come on, boo.

♪♪

You could put us literally in a bar with no one around,

and we will make the [bleep] best of it.

So staying with Nicole instead of going to get "dinner" again

with the roommates was a way [bleep] better idea.

Oh yeah!

♪♪

[Jenni] Table for six, please.

It originally was eight, but we lost two.

[Pauly D] We always lose two in the storm.

Ooh! [Deena] Oh, nice.

[Pauly D] Now you're speaking our language over here.

It looks like the best day of my life on a plate.

[Mike] I am very excited to get some good Italian food

'cause I cannot claim living my best life

if I'm not including in pasta, pizza, garlic bread,

mozzarella sticks, throw in a little mortadella.

Lobster... [Mike] Yup. Uh, right here.

Damn, eating light.

'Cause I'm trying to live my best life while I still can.

[laughter]

Did you get any of it in your mouth

or is it all over your shirt? [laughter]

Yeah. I wonder what's going on with Spirals.

♪♪

Hey!

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you're having a good time tonight

because next up we have Nicole and Ronnie,

the Spiral Squad!

♪ She's the spiral queen

♪♪

♪ You know what I mean

♪♪

♪ She's the spiral queen

♪ When she comes on stage

♪ She's all in a rage...

♪♪

[making drumming sounds] Yo, you beat those drums up.

Bam, bam, bam...

Yo, those drums should've called the cops

'cause you beat them up so bad.

♪♪

[man speaking indistinctly]

[slurring] Oh my God.

♪♪