02x08 - The Quacken/The Treasure of Nosepatch

[bunniefuu]

[opening theme music plays]

[siren blaring]

[horn honks]

[siren blaring]

[tires screech]

[snoring]

[snoring continues]

[gasps]

[groaning, panting]

[grunting]

[Shifty] Jackpot!

I landed the big one!

A fresh coat of paint
and I can sell this for a fortune

at my pawn shop.
[chuckles]

Huh?

[screams]

Mr. Buyyourstuff,
can you tell us exactly

what you believe you saw
this afternoon?

I was fishing for bargains
when, out of nowhere,

a beast as big as an island
of gently used merchandise

located conveniently
on the corner of 7th and Main,

rushed my boat.

It was the Quacken!
The Quacken!

Shifty's Pawn Shop! Open Sundays!

Sailors tell stories of a giant monster
they call the Quacken.

The Quacken? It's horrifying!

It destroys anything in its path!

And while there have been
no confirmed sightings of the beast,

many still believe in its existence.

In unrelated news,
world renowned archaeologist

and adventurer Jessica Sharpe
made an unexpected stop here today.

What brought her here?

We'll interrupt your programs
to keep you informed.

[tense music]

[grunts]

Whoa! You're welcome to use the door.

I try to make a habit
of never taking the easy way.

Good afternoon, gentlemen, I'm Jessica...

Sharpe! Everyone knows who you are!

[Duke] Jessica Sharpe.

Born on the wrong side
of the tracks.

You graduated
from Smarterthan University

at the age of 20
with a degree in Adventure.

Currently recognized
as the world's

greatest archaeologist
and treasure hunter.

Welcome to our city, Ms. Sharpe.

You boys do your homework.

So you must know why I'm here?

-Uh...
-Hm...

I seek the Quaken and need your help
to bring it to justice.

We can't get involved.

It's outside our jurisdiction
and, technically,

the Quacken's done
nothing wrong.

He's right. No can do.

Unless the Quacken's attackin' your plan,
we can't be backin'.

What are you all talking about?

The Quacken doesn't exist.

It most certainly does
and I'm going to prove it.

You sure you won't join me?

You'll be missing out
on a lot of fame and fortune.

We're here to protect this city
from danger, not seek it out.

Suit yourselves, gentlemen.
I'll do it.

[grunts]
With or without you.

I'm with Jessica Sharpe,

adventure-seeker and overcomer
of impossible obstacles.

Jessica, what brought you
to our city so abruptly?

I'm here to finally give proof
to the existence of the Quacken

by capturing and bringing it
back here to the city.

Wow! How do you intend to do that?

I had hoped for police assistance,

but it seems I'll have to find
a different team.

But fear not, if I have to,

I will find the Quacken
and drag it back by myself!

Cut! You were great!

So inspiring.

You know, if you need a crew,

I'd start with Captain Facepatch
and the Guardian of the Oceans.

Captain who and the what now?

[Facepatch] Mop, people, mop!

The deck must be spic and span

before we break
for a spot of tea

and a civil discourse
on Renaissance poetry.

-Ooh, ooh. Can't wait!
-I prefer mopping!

[Jessica] Ahoy there!

Who amongst you has the courage
to face the Quacken?

No, thank you.

It swallows armadas for breakfast!

I would but I have
a dentist appointment tomorrow.

Think of the fame and fortune.

None of you are up
to the challenge?

-[Gabby] I'll join your crew.
-Gabby?

I've always wanted
a life of adventure.

I can make news and report on it
at the same time.

Are you sayin' that this here Quacken hunt
is gonna be televised?

Every second of it.

Oh! Then count us in!

Everyone, we're going to be
on the telly!

Now, back to work!

The ship must
be impeccably polished.

Spit spot!

[Surly] Who made this guy captain?

[Facepatch]
We're now in the exact location

the Quacken was last spotted.

[Jessica] Excellent.

The plan is to lure it
by gobbling like scared turkeys

and throwing a giant piece
of toast overboard

as both are well known
Quacken attractors.

I've spotted it! The Quacken!

[ominous music]

This is Gabby Tocamera
live aboard the Guardian of the Oceans.

As you can see,
we have located the Quacken!

I did it! I found the Quacken!

Now to capture the beast!

Keep your cameras rolling, Gabby.

What are you doing?
Isn't this enough!

You wanted proof,
and now you have it!

I'll do it. With or without you.

[panting]

Oh.

I guess I'll have to capture
the Quacken by myself!

[grunts]

What are you doing?

You're taking us too close
to the rocks!

I didn't come this far
to turn back now!

[groaning]

We are in pursuit of the beast!

Any moment now, we'll be face to face
with the monster!

[wailing]

[growling]

There it is! The Quaken!

[all screaming]

It's terrifying!

It's ferocious! It's...

-[all gasp]
-A giant rubber duck?

What? It's rubber?

It's not a monster.

-[crew 1] Eh, that's not so bad.
-[Surly] Not a big deal.

[crew 2] One of those
lives in my bath tub.

[crew 3]
That's actually kinda cute.

[crew 4] Well, yellow still
makes me anxious.

[Facepatch]
Ms. Sharpe, I implore you!

Take this ship to safety!

I let my ambition
get the best of me,

and now, I've put
this entire crew in danger.

I can fix this.

[gasps]

[grunts]

[suspenseful music]

[groaning]

-[rubber duck squeaks]
-[all screaming]

[Facepatch] The Quacken!

Oh, no.

In an attempt
to capture the Quacken,

Jessica Sharpe has accidentally
sent it on a collision course

with the harbor.

[Gabby] Its impact
will no doubt be devastating.

What have I done?

I'm Gabby Tocamera,
Breaking News!

Ms. Sharpe ignored
all of our warnings,

and now, she's brought
a true crisis to the city.

You gotta admit, though,
a giant rubber duck

unleashing havoc on the city?
That's a totally rad crisis!

I have a plan.

I need a Sky Police helicopter

and the world's greatest cop
that isn't me.

Because the only way to stop
a giant floating monster...

is with a giant floating hero.

[Grizzled] I'm approaching
the Cubby Balloon.

[Duke] Do you remember the plan?

I'm not that old.

[Grizzled] Push the Cubby
Balloon to intercept the Quacken

before it reaches the city.

Are you sure you want me
to do this?

I realize by sending Cubby
out to sea,

we may never see him again.

But that is a sacrifice
we must be willing to make

to save the city.
[sighs sharply]

Do it.

Good luck and goodbye,
old friend.

It's too fast!
We can't catch it!

We'll never stop it
from crashing into the city!

We can see the city
on the horizon!

I estimate impact
in less than two minutes!

There it is!

See? I was telling the truth...

And I'll happily recount my tale

with any purchase made
at Shifty's Pawn Shop.

Open daily nine to five!

Huh?

The air current coming in
off the water

is making it hard
to control the helicopter...

and Cubby!

[wind whooshing]

[grunts]
I've gotta turn back!

[Grizzled] I can't fight
these shifting winds!

[car engine revving]

-[tires screeching]
-[grunts]

There goes out last hope.

Look! The Quacken!

-[quacks]
-[girls screaming]

[all screaming]

[dramatic music]

-[Shifty] Look, again!
-All right!

Get him, Cubby!

[Gabby] We're in city harbor

where Cubby is challenging
the Quacken

to a monster beatdown.

Who will be victorious?

[rubber duck squeaks]

That be it?

Disappointed, I be.

[cheering]

[crowd] Cubby! Cubby! Cubby!

[grunts]

The Quacken went that way,
Ms. Sharpe.

Don't you have some chasing
to do?

Please, call me Jessie.

And I admit,
I've been terribly reckless

in my need to capture
the Quacken.

I was only thinking
about fame and fortune,

and wasn't considering the
well-being of the good people

of this wonderful city.

Sounds like
you learned a valuable lesson.

Adventuring isn't only
about what you have to gain,

but what you have to lose.

To succeed,

sometimes, we have to
make enormous sacrifices.

[Duke] Isn't that right, Cubby?

Welcome home, buddy!

[Facepatch] Come on, men!

Let's follow Cubby
back into the city

for a night
of polite celebration

and reasonably portioned meals.

[all crew] Huzzah!

Are these pirate outfits
ours to keep?

[Gabby] And so concludes
Breaking News.

I'm Gabby Tocamera,
and I'm looking forward

to transitioning back
to full-time news anchor

behind my nice, dry desk.

Shifty's Pawn Shop!
Open Sundays!

[closing theme music plays]

[opening theme music plays]

[siren blaring]

[horn honks]

[siren blaring]

[tires screech]

[Rooky] I love the night shift.

The city's so quiet.

-Nothing but the sound of...
-[slurps]

Grizzled, can you stop slurping?

It's coffee. I have to slurp it.

It's iced coffee!

I don't want to get a brain freeze.

And I'm trying to stay awake.

Oh, I know
what will keep us awake.

Looking at my family
photo album.

That's my Great-Great Aunt Judy

who planted the first tree
in City Center Square.

Here's Great Uncle Larry
who chopped down that tree

and used it to build
the first public library.

And there's Aunt Sue!
She invented the late fee.

[snoring]

-[car horn beeps]
-So many sheep...

If you're gonna talk
about your relatives,

I need more coffee!
[slurps]

You know, I just realized,

all my relatives made
their mark on this city,

but I haven't yet.

That jelly donut you ate
made a mark on your uniform.

I'm talking about doing
something positive for the city

that people
will remember forever.

-[thud]
-[alarm wailing]

-Arr!
-A pirate just robbed that mansion!

Times must be tough

if pirates are committing
land-based crimes.

[Rooky and Grizzled panting]

Arr? Arr!

Keep going! I know a short cut.

[Bilgewater grunting]

-[thuds]
-[grunts]

[Rooky] How do you find
these shortcuts?

I hate running.
[slurps]

-[Rooky] Who are you, pirate?
-Arr! Arr!

Why were you stealing this peg leg?

Tell us what we want to know!

I'll never tell ya.

My name's One-Eyed Bilgewater
and I stole the peg leg

because it leads
to the lost treasure

of Captain Nosepatch!

Uh... You just did.

Blimey!

Well, I certainly won't tell you

that another pirate hired me
to steal it.

You just did.

Double blimey!

Well, did I tell you
I was meeting him this Thursday

on the Guardian
of the Oceans vessel?

-Not yet.
-And I never will!

You know what this means?

That this pirate should be called
"One-Eyed Spill-The-Beans?"

Nosepatch's treasure is one of the
great unsolved mysteries of the city!

We find it, I make my mark!

Slow down, jelly donut.

First, we gotta find
the pirate who hired him.

You'll never find him!

It's Thursday,
which is pirate day on his ship,

so everyone on board
is dressed as a pirate!

Then we'll go undercover
as pirates.

Arr!

The plan is to go undercover as pirates,

find One-Eyed's contact,
and recover the treasure.

Yup.

So, why are you dressed
like you're going on a tropical vacation?

Always wanted to take a cruise.

[Billy] Avast,
you scurvy scalliwags!

You barnacle-sucking bilge rats!

Whoa. Hey!
What's with the insults?

Actually, in pirate,

"Barnacle-sucking bilge rats"
is quite a compliment.

Oh. Uh...
Thank you?

Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm Captain Facepatch,

and this is my first mate,
Billy Bones.

And who be ye,
smelly sea urchins?

I'm Miss...

Behavior.

Miss Behavior.
Because I'm, uh, really bad.

I'm Grizzled.

Because I'm Grizzled.

Well, welcome aboard.

Billy here will show you
the ropes.

Here's the big rope,
small rope, and jump rope.

-Any questions?
-Yeah.

Where's the Party Deck?

We don't have a Party Deck.

[groans]
Guess I'll have to make one.

-Arrg!
-Arrg!

-Arrg!
-Arrg!

Ahoy there, mateys!

You salty pretzels
don't know the combination

to Davy Jones' locker, do you?

I'm sorry, what did you say?

I hear there may be
some booty on the poop deck!

We have no idea
what you're saying.

[sighs]
I'm sorry.

I'm not fluent in pirate.

Neither are we.

We're just here
for "Pirate Thursday."

I'm an accountant.

I'm a chiropractor!

[grunts]
Online chiropractor!

Miss Behavior,

will ye be joining us
for the Top Pirate Challenge?

Sure, you big pile
of whale vomit!

[both gasp]

What, I was speaking pirate!

I was trying to give you
a compliment.

Eh. In pirate, "whale vomit"
means "whale vomit."

Oh.

[Billy] Alright, everyone,
gather around.

It's time
for our first pirate activity.

Cannon sh**ting.

-Oh, yeah, awesome!
-[all cheering]

Before we get started,
repeat after me.

"I will not sh**t other pirates
out of the cannon."

[all] I will not sh**t
other pirates

out of the cannon.

Okay. Now, load your cannons and...

-[Surly grunts]
-[cannon fires]

-[Wanda screams]
-Avast!

[water splashes]

-[Surly] That was great!
-[Wanda] I wanna go again!

You shot other pirates
out of the cannon!

Ai-yi-yi, we did not sign up
to be pirates

to follow the rules!

-No.
-[both laugh]

[grunts]

Is there anyone
who didn't sh**t a pirate

out of their cannon?

I didn't even fire
my cannon yet.

Perfect! Then fire away!

[cannon fires]

-[water splashing]
-[Billy] That went really far!

Miss Behavior wins!

Nice job,
ya smelly octopus armpit!

He's never called me
a "smelly octopus armpit."

Teacher's pet.

What kind of pirate
might ye be, eh?

Tropical pirate.

I'm plundering
the sun's golden rays.

I want to steal the sun's gold!

Then you need
to defend yourself.

What? Cutlass?

Cannon?

Sunscreen.

Ah, SPF 50.

You are a wise pirate.

This next pirate activity
be called "Dodge the barrels."

Begin!

[exciting music]

[grunting]

[groans]

Ha-ha-har!
[grunts]

[grunting]

Yes!

Miss Behavior wins again!
Ha-har!

You're on track to be Top Pirate

and learn all the secrets
of the ship!

Ooh! I want to be Top Pirate!

Then you'll have to pass
the final challenge,

-the...
-[cannon fires]

Stop sh**ting each other
out of cannons!

[Wanda] It's just so much fun!

[Billy] Captain, this sea dog
wants to be Top Pirate.

Oh, do you think you can pass
the challenge

-of the Captain's Cutlasses?
-Yes!

Then juggle!
[laughs]

Whoa. Whoa!

This is tricky!

You think this is tricky?

The old challenge
was shark boxing!

Hey! I'm getting
the hang of this!

She can't take
much more, Captain!

-We shall see!
-[gasps]

Whoo!
[laughing]

Twenty-five cutlasses?

That's a new record!

Everyone, we have
a new Top Pirate!

[all cheering]

Whoo-hoo!

Uh, you can stop juggling
the cutlasses now.

Uh...

Actually, I can't!

She's gonna blow!

-[Rooky gasping]
-[all screaming]

[whimpers]

[yells]

[both grunting]

Now, to become
the official Top Pirate,

I must anoint you
with the sacred peg leg

of Captain Nosepatch!

Hey! That peg leg
is the same as mine!

Redbeard's ghost!

It's the other lost peg leg
of Captain Nosepatch!

Do you know what this means?

-He had a hard time walking?
-Uh, no.

It means we have the complete
map to his lost treasure!

Wait a second.

This looks like a map
of the harbor.

And this "X" means

the treasure
is just below the ship!

To the submarine!

Billy, who knows what dangers
we'll encounter down there?

This sub only has enough oxygen
for six hours.

If you haven't heard
from us by sunset,

assume the worst.

[Facepatch] Now, lower us down!

[water splashes]

[Facepatch] Hooray!
We found the treasure!

Which means...
[grunts]

I found my bad guy!

What is the meaning of this?

You hired One-Eyed Bilgewater

to steal the peg leg
from the mansion!

I don't know
a One-Eyed Bilgewater!

Don't play dumb.

This was your master plan
to find the treasure!

Actually, it was my master plan!

-[both] Billy?
-Yes!

I hired One-Eyed Bilgewater.

Our plan was to also steal
Facepatch's peg leg

to find the treasure
and keep it for ourselves!

But then the police
came aboard, didn't ye?

You knew I was a cop all along?

Ever since "dodge the barrels."

You dropped your badge.

[sighs]

Now, the treasure is mine!

Oh, and I'll also be
stealing this submarine,

if ye don't mind.

Oh, I mind, Billy!

[grunts]

[both grunting]

Ha-harr!

You're shark food now!

Ow!
[groans]

Sorry, buddy,

that shuffleboard disk
got away from me.

Great work, Grizzled!

You caught
the criminal mastermind.

Who? Billy?

Right. I knew that.

Less talk,
more treasure opening!

Spit spot.

[Grizzled] It's just a bunch
of old doorknobs.

Gold doorknobs!

What is it
with this city and doors?

These must be worth millions.

Eh, it's no chocolate fountain.

[Wheeler] Rad work, Rooky!

You found the lost treasure
of Nosepatch!

Thanks, Chief!

I finally made my mark
on the city.

And I made a mark
on Billy's face!

Ye sure did!

[all laugh]

-[cannon fires]
-[screaming in distance]

I said stop sh**ting each other
out of cannons!

[closing theme music plays]