09x11 - Trouble in Paradise

[bunniefuu]

This jungle
is *bleep* up.

Snake.

-Big one.
-Yeah. *Bleep*

I need fire.

Rylie:
all that's wet right there.

Just doesn't
want to go.

Come on, break.

I need protein.

My game plan right now
is to get fire.

Rylie: he's got this crazy
fixation on fire,

But the number-one rule of
survival is a shelter.

I'm starving here.

Oh, my gosh.

I hate this place.

I'm just, like, surviving
and eking along.

Like a feral, wild animal.

Ugh!

Narrator: one man...

...one woman...

Whoo!

...alone for 21 days
to face the wrath...

Woman: stop raining!

...and fury

Of the most hostile environments
on earth.

Aah!

They have no clothes,
no food, no water.

I want water.

Do they have the skill
and the will...

Fire!

...to overcome the most
brutal survival challenge

Of their lives...

Naked and afraid?

Woman: maybe I'm losing it.

Captions paid for by
discovery communications

Rylie: it's gorgeous.

Who knows what's hiding inside,
though?

Kyle: I'm definitely scared.

I'm nervous and I'm excited.

I'm curious of
what is out there.

Narrator: this is
the north coast of honduras.

The densely packed lowland
of the cangrejal river basin,

Home to nocturnal predators
such as the puma and jaguar.

But the area's greatest threat
is the unpredictable weather.

With more than
118 inches of rain per year,

The rain forest
is often drenched,

Raising the already intense
humidity to unbearable levels,

Making it near impossible
to start and maintain a fire.

Trade winds from the north

Can reach speeds
up to 27 miles per hour,

Increasing
the risk of hypothermia,

And sending temperatures
plummeting

To a chilling 49 degrees
at night.

♪♪

Rylie: right off the bat,
it's full of lush vegetation.

I think it's gonna be
a definite challenge

Looking out for
any sort of dangerous animals

Or loose footing
or anything we might step on

Because it is just
absolutely dense.

My name is rylie parlett
and I'm from southern maryland.

I love bushcraft
and survivalism.

I've been practicing for years.

I have a lot of primitive skills

Such as foraging, fire-making,
shelter-building.

When it comes to survivalism,

I'm totally fine and comfortable
being by myself.

I don't find that I need
companionship to be happy.

I'm doing this challenge
to prove

That all of this practice
was for a reason,

That it can actually pay off
in a survival situation.

Rylie has extensive
primitive skills,

But she plays better alone
than in a team,

And that could hinder
her chances of survival.

She begins with a psr of 6.3.

My name is kyle oelofse,
I'm from south africa,

And I'm an environmental
scientist.

I like to think of myself
as a survival expert.

From a young age,

Hunting and tracking
was part of my strengths.

The dangers in these areas
are jaguars and pumas,

But back in south africa,
we've got bigger problems.

We've got bigger cats.
We've got bigger animals.

So this should
be a breeze for me.

Champion!
Whoop whoop!

I am married to the most amazing
person that I've ever met.

Her name is toinay.

We've spent
the past seven years,

Every day together,

And it was her idea
that I enter this challenge,

And I am doing this
to prove it to my wife

That I can do this challenge.

21 Days and that's that.
There's no plan b.

There's no other options.

It's 21 days for me.

Narrator: kyle will benefit
from his experience

As a skilled
south african survivalist,

But his expertise
has not been tested

In a demanding
tropical environment.

He beings with a primitive
survival rating of 6.3.

♪♪

Kyle: I am a naked person.

My wife has often told me,
"should I close the curtains?

Because we've got neighbors."

Every opportunity that I can
get naked, you'll find me naked.

Babe, I'm sorry about this,
but I'll be home in 21 days.

♪♪

♪♪

Rylie: being naked
with a stranger, I mean,

It's just part of
this environment,

And it's not gonna be
something that holds me up.

But if someone
offered me clothes,

I would be happy to have them.

Well,
it's the point of no return.

♪♪

Ugh!

Hey!

How are you?

Good.
I'm rylie.

I'm kyle.
Pleased to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.
-Where are you from?

I'm from southern maryland.
Where are you from?

-I'm from south africa.
-Oh, okay. Awesome, awesome.

So, I've come a long way
to be with you.

Both southern.
Okay, awesome.

-I have to ask you of one thing.
-What's up?

You will not allow me to leave
before 21 days?

I won't.

And I'm gonna keep you here
with me till then.

-All right, deal.
-Cool.

-So, you ready?
-I am ready.

-Let's have a look.
-Let's go.

Let's see what we got.

-Yeah, fire starter.
-Trusty fire starter.

Yes!

I brought my machete.

-And looks like we have a pot.
-Yeah.

-We're set.
-We're done.

And I have our map.

Great, let's have a look.
Where are we going?

So,
looks like we are here.

-At the big rock here?
-Yeah.

It's hot here.
-Yeah.

So, those palm trees
look promising.

I think that little fish there
is also a food source.

Yeah.
Avoiding snakes and jaguars.

-Yeah, let's avoid that.
-Right.

So,
you want to head from here

And kind of cross the river
and get off these hot rocks?

I'm 100% with you.

Cool.
-Okay, let's do it.

♪♪

♪♪

Just take it easy,
all right?

It's really slippery.

Rylie: I think kyle seems
super nice, and he's a big guy,

And he's pretty fit,
so I think it's a benefit.

-Are you good?
-Yeah.

Kyle: I like rylie.
She's really, really small,

And I'm gonna try and help her
as much as I can

From a physical aspect
of things.

♪♪

Well,
let's just go this way.

It's so dense.

Rylie: looking at
this environment,

It's incredibly lush.

It's so much
to navigate through.

Rylie: be careful.

I just don't want to
get bitten by a snake.

Right.
That's what I'm worried about.

Within that environment
are deadly snakes.

I'm nervous being barefoot,
bare-ankled.

Like, it's just
really distracting.

You can do your best
to avoid these things,

But you can't see everything,

And you can't see through
all of the underbrush.

So this is not
the safest environment.

♪♪

Snake.

-Big one?
-Yeah.

Let's back up.

How big?

This big.

Brown, black markings.

*Bleep*

I'm just worried
it's a fer de lance.

Even a baby can
cause a lot of damage.

Narrator: the fer de lance
is considered

One of the most dangerous snakes
in central america.

It's easily excitable
and has been known

To eject its deadly venom
from 6 feet away.

Just be --
watch your step.

Do you want to k*ll it
or should i?

It just went
under the bushes.

I'm not gonna move them
looking for it.

I can't, like,
fight a snake right now.

Okay.

Ugh.

This jungle
is *bleep* up.

There's snails
everywhere.

Do I want to
eat the snails?

Yeah,
but we can't eat raw snails.

I don't want to get sick.

Yeah.

♪♪

Oh, wow.
It's starting to open up.

-Yeah.
-This looks good.

This is good for me.

This circle of trees,

That would be very easy
to build a shelter.

Water's right there.

Water is right here.

So,
let's just call this home.

Home sweet home!

Home sweet home.

Rylie: I like the location.

It is close to water.

It's an open area in an
otherwise very, very dense area.

Oh, look.

-Oh, yeah.
-So that's food.

My mind's, like,
racing at the moment

About how to get those down,
but we'll figure it out.

Rylie: getting them down's
not the worst part.

Cracking them open.
-That's the --

So, for tonight, I was
thinking of just putting,

Like, beams across,
and we can cover that.

Then we could lay this
completely closed

And we could make this
a nice little --

Do you want
the roof over this?

So, we could put, like,
a roof on top, or...

So, this could be, like,
a little thing for now.

For now.

And we could build out this way
if we want.

I'm for it.
I'm down.

I like it.

♪♪

♪♪

We got loads of cordage.

I see. So you're like
g.i. Jane out here.

We're losing light
very quickly.

I was thinking we can't
get a fire by tonight.

I think I'll be able to
wait till tomorrow.

-Let's wait.
-Okay.

I'm really glad
my partner agreed with me

To make a very simple shelter
over fire

Because the general
rule of thumb

Is you want to do
shelter, water, fire, food.

I'm just using this
as a, uh, guideline.

Is that all right?
-Yeah.

Kyle: fire's just not
the reality for today.

So, tomorrow, we're gonna
just try and get fire going

So that we can cook our protein,

And then we'll sleep better
because it will keep us warmer.

Think we got
enough leaves?

Rylie: for tonight.
We got this.

Yeah, we got this.

Good job.

Thanks. You too.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Rylie: we worked all day
on our shelter,

And then it started
pouring rain,

And it happened so fast
and so much

That it flooded
our entire shelter.

Feeling like crap.

Yeah,
we feel pretty bad.

Thanks, honduras.

♪♪

That was
the longest night.

I swear, it, like...

Kyle: I've never experienced
anything like that before.

I was ice cold to the bone.

So, I'm a little bit worried how
the nights to come are gonna go.

I'm gonna see if
I can get a fire going.

All right.

Do you have
the fire starter on you?

Yeah.

We're just trying to get a fire
started just to warm up.

Ohh.
So close.

It's humid.

If it was dry, that would've
gone a long time ago.

Let's just work
on the shelter.

Fire would help a lot,
but nothing around us is dry.

So we're just really
having a hard time.

We can't make a fire,
then we can't cook snails,

We can't do a lot of things.

We need
some breakfast.

Okay,
let's grab cohune nuts.

Yeah.

I need to get some food in.
I'm getting weak.

On a regular day back home,

I focus on a high-protein diet

That would consist of at least
6 chicken breasts and 10 eggs.

♪♪

Got it.

Come on, break.

Hey, we got some.
Don't exert yourself too much.

It's like the world's
saddest piñata.

Ever.

Three is better than...

-Zero.
-...none, yeah.

Narrator: when ripe,
one cohune palm nut yields

About as much protein
as one peanut.

Ahh.

You okay?

Yeah.
Can I use that one, maybe?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How does a plant
make something so...

Yeah,
something so tough

To hide their thimble
full of coconut in there.

Thank you.

♪♪

What does it taste like?

*Bleep*

I mean,
is it worth our effort?

These are like the red-headed
stepchild of coconuts.

I'm --
I'm eating raw snail.

I'm just
putting it out there.

You're gonna get
butt worms.

You're gonna get complete
butt worms if you eat.

How long will it take
for them to develop?

♪♪

It's raining buckets.

Kyle: it's freezing.

We're hungry. We're tried.

My body doesn't have
any nutrition.

My body's cramping.

♪♪

Once again,
we had a terrible night.

We were sleeping
on a wet ground.

It was miserable.

Our house is wrecked.

Just look at it.
Look at it.

It's just demolished.

We have to start
basically from square one.

So I was thinking of just
putting a platform across here

And maybe across there.

Then we could
lay this completely closed.

Then we got covering.

Then we could work on the sides.
And then...

We'll be off the ground.
We'll be dry.

It's gonna be dry.

All right.

We are freezing at night.

Lying on the floor,
it's taking all our heat away.

So what I'm going to do is

I'm gonna do a raised platform
to get off the wet ground.

And we'll definitely
sleep better at night.

I am splitting
these palm fronds.

The bottom underneath side

Funnels off the water
better than the top.

So hopefully
this makes a difference

Because we just want to be dry
so that we can rest.

♪♪

This is our little empire

That hopefully is gonna
keep us warm for tonight.

Yeah.

Let's see...

What else is there?

Kyle: rylie.

Yeah?

Found a big, white worm.

Narrator: rhino beetle larvae,
a type of grub,

Feed on rotting wood,

A rich source of
calcium and iron.

One grub can contain
16 grams of protein,

The same amount as four
tablespoons of peanut butter.

I feel like
I should name him.

How about peanut butter?

Or little burrito.

Yeah, I'd squeeze that out.
That doesn't look good.

Yeah,
squeeze its booty.

Oh!

Oh, my gosh.

No cheers?

♪♪

Swallow, don't chew.

It was all right.

Tastes like wood.

It didn't taste like much.

Mnh-mnh.

And we are beggars
for sure.

Yeah.

♪♪

I'm not sleeping
'cause I'm freezing.

♪♪

It is absolutely freezing.

We don't have fire and we're
gonna get, like, hypothermia

If we don't, like,
do something.

So we've been
running on the spot

So our body temperature
can increase

Because, for the moment,
we will make it.

♪♪

Oh,
I'm hating life right now.

I'm just, like,
constantly cold.

But I'm literally,
like, freezing.

I just hope
there's a turn of events.

We're not gonna have fire
for a while.

I don't know.

What we need to do
is fortify the shelter.

Ugh.

That's what we need.

I need to be dry.

My focus is the whole bed,
the shelter, all of that today.

Kyle: rylie thinks it is better
to insulate the shelter.

I guess we're on two different
paths at the moment.

♪♪

Are you just doing it
to see if it can be done?

'Cause all that's wet
right there.

I'm, like,
on fumes, you know?

My game plan right now
is to get fire.

You know, whether she likes it
or not, it needs to happen.

Rylie: you know, he's got
this crazy fixation on fire.

So what, we get a fire going,

We have nothing to hide it
from the rain or save it.

Then our fire's gone.
Then our day is wasted.

Then we're back
in the shelter.

Let's just work
on the shelter.

Oh, come on, please.

It just doesn't
want to go!

♪♪

It just doesn't
want to go!

Let's just work
on the shelter.

I'm just trying to
look for some dry wood.

Yeah.

I just think
having a fire

Will help me be in a better
mental place for you, you know?

-Yeah.
-Cool.

Just give me a shout when
you need anything, will you?

-Yeah.
-Cool.

Rylie:
my partner really needs fire,

So I mean, I'm not gonna
ask for his help today.

I'm just gonna let him
spend the whole day

Working on what he feels
that he needs the most.

Kyle:
if you just look carefully,

There are some spots that
the rain doesn't penetrate.

You just have to find them.

You got to think
outside the box.

If you have a look,
the canopy opens up.

There's little gap here.

So there's
a huge possibility that

It gets more sun exposure
than any other plants.

It's really dry and good size

And will help me
get my fire started.

It's what I'm looking for.

♪♪

I'm so nervous.

Yeah, we don't have
a lot of flint left,

But hopefully, you know, this is
all we need to get a fire going.

Just need that flame.
It's coming, it's coming.

♪♪

No, come on, please.

Oh, my god.

Yes!
Oh, my god.

Rylie.

Ugh.

Oh, my god.

There's, like, not words
to how this feels.

I say
I almost feel like crying.

It's really emotional.

Now we're gonna keep warm
at night.

We can cook our food.
We get more protein.

So that moment for me
will really stand out

In this 21-day challenge.

It's looking really good.

Happy that
I made this fire.

Rylie: I am so glad that
kyle got the fire going.

I'm glad that he was
the one that did it

Because I know that
it meant so much to him.

And hopefully, this is an
absolute game changer for him.

I think it's gonna
make a big difference.

It feels so good.

This is, like, the first time
I've been warm

Since the day we got here.

We have to keep this
or we know what we go back to.

Day 21, the morning,
we're putting this fire out.

After we burn our shelter.

I'll go
get snails for us.

You got this?
-As many as you can, okay?

But be safe on the rocks,
rylie.

I've got this.

This water is freezing,
but I want to get these snails.

We haven't been able to eat them
because I didn't have a fire.

Just having some protein's
gonna be amazing.

I feel so weak.

Trying to be quick about this,

But I don't want to hurt myself
on these rocks.

Kyle: and?

I did the best I could.

Well done, rylie.

Wow!

Well done.

Narrator: four snails yield

Roughly as much protein
as one egg.

It's amazing.

Imagine.

♪♪

How is it?

Good.
A little bit of protein.

I feel so good.

Me, too.

This is, like,
better than christmas.

♪♪

♪♪

Do you want to start
moving the fire?

I'm just worried it rains
onto the fire now.

Yeah.

♪♪

*Bleep*

I felt rain.

Oh *bleep*

♪♪

Rylie: rain is coming through.
You can feel it.

Onto the fire?

Yes. It's dripping on the fire.
Look.

Oh, my god,
it's really dripping.

Just put this on top,
there.

This is *bleep* terrible.

This is the worst thing
that could happen.

*Bleep*

♪♪

♪♪

Ugh.

Rylie: okay,
but don't let your mind

Rob you of something
that you really need.

I just don't know how we're
gonna get to build the fire.

We won't make it.

I don't know what to do.

Rylie.

You got to help me.

♪♪

Kyle: this place can be
so intimidating.

Just the silence alone
just, like,

Makes you feel so unwanted.

I am struggling a little bit.

Like, nothing is going to plan.

Like, we're soaking wet.

Who can survive 21 days
without a fire?

You can't cook.

You can't --
you can't do *bleep*

My body's telling me that
I need to get some food in.

I'm getting weak.

You're wet, you're cold.

It just gets more difficult
every day.

Times like this I just want
to go home to my wife.

Rylie.

Rylie!

Like, nothing is going to plan.

You're wet, you're cold.

You can't cook.

You can't --
you can't do *bleep*

Times like this I just want
to go home to my wife.

Rylie.

Rylie!

What?

Kyle: come have a seat.

Rylie.

Yep.

I'm tapping out,
yeah.

I'm really struggling
with protein.

I can feel it.

And we can't
keep the fire going.

I just --
I don't know if I can be here.

It's so cold.
I'm losing weight.

You know, and I'm sorry
that I have to let you down.

You are a trouper.

Honestly, you're one of
the strongest ladies that I met.

You really are.

And I take a lot of inspiration
from you.

Can I walk up with you
to camp?

Yeah.

So I've done 10 days.

I'm really proud of myself.

I would've loved
to have done the 21.

But this *bleep* environment
just made me realize,

"Is this really worth it?"

I mean, is it worth
putting my body in danger

For what I want to accomplish
out of this?

And the answer's no.

♪♪

Take care.

You, too, okay?
And make it to 21, okay?

I feel extremely terrible

For putting her
in a position where

She's gonna
struggle to survive.

You know, she needs me to do
a few of the chores.

But she's a strong person
and she'll figure it out.

I think kyle
just really didn't have

The mental strength
that it takes to be here.

You know, it is what it is.
I can't dwell on it.

He has his own reasons.

And that's something that,
you know,

He's gonna have to deal with
on his own.

And I just got to focus on
my own survival now.

Maybe I should look for food.

I'll have to look for grubs.

Nothing.

Did I find one?

Oh, my god, I found one.

Yeah.

So excited.

♪♪

It's night one
alone in this jungle.

I'm pretty good
with being by myself.

The shelter is as solid
as it's gonna be.

It's waterproof.

I am gonna eat my dinner
for the night,

Which is this little guy here.

That's my dinner --
like it or not.

It's better than nothing.

Sorry, mr. Grub.

♪♪

I'm just trying to
make the best of my situation

And be brave and keep it moving.

What's that?

♪♪

Too pitch dark.

It's freaking me out.

♪♪

♪♪

Ugh.

It's really cold.

*Bleep*

♪♪

♪♪

The nights are very cold.

And we've been co-sleeping
to exchange heat.

And now, that's gone, too.

And so I just really
need a fire.

So today, I am going to
dig a dakota pit fire.

It's gonna be
the size of a basin,

Like a bathroom basin, here,

And then a tunnel.

Narrator:
created by the dakota indians,

This fire technique
works with suction,

Drawing air down through a
tunnel into the base of the pit.

Having the fire in a pit also
protects from high winds.

♪♪

Rylie: oh, god!

I'm so frustrated.

♪♪

I am cold.

Just can't believe
it's this cold here.

It's miserable.

Ahh!

♪♪

Last night was the worst night
since I've been here.

I don't think I've ever been
that cold in my life, ever.

And I just felt, like,
physically sick from shaking.

I really, really need a fire.

I just filled this entire bottom
with shavings and tinder.

So I just hope that, you know,
it will catch.

This is not going.

That's wet.

This is the hardest thing
I've ever done.

I'm starving.

I haven't eaten much food.

I don't understand
this environment.

There's so much moisture
in the air.

It's really hard for anything
to get very dry at all.

When it comes to this fire now,

I just feel really frantic
and, like, upset.

♪♪

♪♪

Just went out.

♪♪

I really need this to work,
really badly.

♪♪

This is probably the most
important fire I've ever made.

It is pouring cold,
freezing rain out there,

And it is completely warm
and toasty in here.

I mean, if it wasn't
raining right now,

I'd run out
and go get a bunch of snails

And go to bed with a full belly.

But I am just so happy to have
this that everything can wait.

And I'll just sit here
and be warm.

I just have to
see it through to the end

'Cause I really want
to be standing

On that extraction point.

And I know that this fire
is a big reason

Why I'm gonna be
able to do that.

♪♪

Shelter is, like, *bleep*
in this fire right now.

I am, like, choking to death.

The shelter is filling up with
smoke because the wood is wet.

It burns my eyes so bad
and it burns my throat.

I am not feeling very motivated
to go get food.

Right now, I'm just trying to
stand outside and get some air.

You got to cut me a break,
honduras.

♪♪

I haven't even had, like,
any contact with people

To sit down and, like,
chat with me or hang out.

Just feeling, like, cut off
from everybody is terrible.

Or maybe I'm losing it.

♪♪

Narrator: due to the cold
and lack of food,

Rylie's blood sugar
has dropped significantly.

As a result,
her brain is slowing down,

Making it hard to stay focused
and alert.

Rylie: I don't know that
I'm so good at being isolated.

It's almost like
I just stopped existing.

Like, I don't even feel
like a person.

I'm just, like surviving
and eking along.

Like a feral, wild animal.

Ow.

All right.

Today's day 20.

I can't give up.

I can fight through one night.

I just have to know that,
like, I came out here

And I literally
starved for this.

I've froze for this.

I've put everything, like,
emotionally, psychologically.

And if I go back with
anything less than 21 days,

I don't know that I'll ever
forgive myself for that.

I won't give up.

Rylie: honduran snails.

First, I recommend
opening a nice shiraz.

Then you're gonna
want to steam them,

Which is what I've done today.

I like to cook mine
with a water sauce

And a dash of dirt.

But you do you.

It could use some butter.

Rylie: it's night 20.

I'm gonna stick this out
and do my best.

I have to do this.

Because I can't go back
to my life if I don't.

I am not gonna get anxiety
because I'm not doing it.

And I'm not gonna
stress myself out.

I'm gonna do my best
to take care of myself.

And I'm just gonna
get to extraction.

That's what I have to do.

♪♪

♪♪

Today is extraction day!

My game plan today
is to cook snails.

I need more energy.

I didn't, like,
come this far to faint

Or something on extraction.

So...

It's pretty good.

I know that I am here
by these palmy trees.

I think I'm gonna have to
cross the river

And then follow the river along
to come to the clearing there.

It's probably the best way
to go about it.

Narrator:
to reach the extraction point,

Rylie will have to trek through
three miles of dense jungle.

Rylie:
I'm trying to get out of here
without being bitten by a snake.

Narrator: along the way,
avoiding hordes of snakes

Uprooted from their dens
due to torrential rainstorms,

Among them is the eyelash viper,
whose venom effects

The cardiovascular system
immediately,

Making one bite from this snake
fatal.

She will have to swim in
48-degree water across the river

And climb one mile
through thorny brush

To a road where
her extraction vehicle awaits.

Rylie: traversing these rocks
without a lot of balance

Is really strenuous.

I've lost physical strength

Because I'm hungry
and I'm tired.

I'm worn down.

♪♪

It's freezing.
It's absolutely freezing cold.

I'm cold.
My body's cold.

But I also know
I don't really have a choice.

I have to cross the river.

I'm just gonna go for it.

♪♪

♪♪

Whew.

I'm gonna
stay near the river,

But I'm gonna have to
go a little more uphill

And just follow it alongside.

♪♪

♪♪

I don't hear the river
as much as I did before.

Ow! Ow, ow.

*Bleep*

This is pure thorns.

Feels like you soaked your feet
so they're nice and soft

And then walking
on bits of glass.

It's incredibly painful

My feet are m*rder*d.

I don't know if I can do this.

I hear a truck! I hear a truck!

Yes!

Yes!

Oh, my god.

Oh, god.

I just finished 21 days
in the jungles of honduras.

And I am just ecstatic.

I did it. I did it.

And no one can
take that from me.

Narrator:
over the course of 21 days,

Rylie lost a total of 20 pounds

And survived 11 days on her own,

Raising her psr to 7.1.

Rylie: I got to a place
in the challenge

Where I was really frustrated
and I started thinking,

"Maybe this would be easier
by myself

Because I wouldn't
have to compromise.

I wouldn't have to
worry about someone else."

But as the challenge
got more aggressive

And as I got weaker

And as it got
a lot more isolated,

I realized that
having a teammate

Would have been amazing.

It would have been
an awesome resource.

I'm not the same person
that came into this jungle.

I'm someone much stronger.

And I now see the value
of not being alone.

I really feel good about

The way I'm walking away
from the challenge.

It's sort of unbelievable.

Like, it's really hard to
believe that this is the end.