05x20 - The Meatball Show

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ MTV ♪

- Can I hammer something?

Me and Nicole have totally been planning

for "The Meatball Show."

We actually bought a she shed.

- [screams]

I should be a contractor.

[screams] - "'Jersey Shore' Angelina

"leaked costars Snooki, Jenni, and Deena's wedding toasts

to make them look bad."

I can't even [bleep] speak right now.

- [chuckles] - I'm so agitated.

- You're [bleep] cheating with everybody.

- Kiss my a*s.

- I've known you for years. I'm just here for support.

- Your talking to Angelina makes you look fake.

You're trying to be friends with the enemy.

- ♪ Get crazy, get wild ♪

♪ Let's party, get loud ♪ - Yeah, buddy!

- ♪ If you wanna have fun ♪ - Party's here!

- The Situation is under construction.

- We're so classy now.

- On the seventh day, it'll be lit.

- Get the frig out of here, you crazy!

- Um, hello?

- ♪ If you wanna have fun, then do something crazy ♪

- ♪ If you actin' lame ♪

♪ Then stay in your lane ♪

♪ You gotta be the boss to even come around my way ♪

♪ What them pockets lookin' like? ♪

- Honey. - Yeah?

- I'm home.

- [laughing] You okay? You sound defeated.

- I'll be honest with you. It was a tough day today.

It seems like you're holding it against me

that I'm trying in the slightest to ease any tension.

- Can I be honest? - Yeah.

- I don't believe you.

- JWOWW is saying,

"You are playing both sides," and then I thought to myself,

as all this is happening, I'm like,

"Isn't that what a mediator is?"

You have to bring both sides together.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- The meatballs came to some sort of common ground.

I'm estimating that JWOWW, being over here,

not having that conversation yet, is keeping her at odds.

- Why didn't she go with the girls though?

- I don't know. I'm sure once she has

that conversation, it's gonna be in a better place.

- Yeah, well, I haven't spoken to her,

but I had no beef with her. - Who, Angeliners?

- Yeah. - Yeah, I do know that Angelina

said she's coming to the skin care event,

and JWOWW should be coming.

That could be the first place they ever bump into each other.

Will there be some dramas there?

Who knows? - So to be continued.

- Yeah.

[dramatic hip-hop music]

- I don't know what today accomplished.

- This was a sit-down, and it went deeper

than anyone thought it would.

- I'm still where I was yesterday.

I'm sick over the fact that Mike is playing both sides.

It's not that he's trying to smooth it over

and cause less drama, no.

If you wanted to smooth it over, you would not

have your wife block Angelina.

You wouldn't then invite Angelina to her launch.

I don't even know what tomorrow is.

I know it's for skin, but, like, I don't even know

if it's, like, fancy, if it's quiet, if it's, like, inti--

- Find out. Find out, if you wanna go,

and then take it from there.

♪ ♪

- ♪ I got the drip, drip, drip ♪

♪ You know I get low ♪

♪ When my whip slow, getting dough ♪

- Six, seven, eight--hold.

Bring the noise. Step, back.

- Yo!

Let's see these new moves, handsome!

- Uh-oh. - Look what I got here.

- Oh, I'm done! - Look what I got here!

- They really got you jump-ropin' out here.

- ♪ I wanna lay you down ♪

♪ And give it to you in your neck ♪

- Whoo! - Yeah!

Yeah, that's lit.

It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

[laughs]

- Come backstage. - What, for real?

- Yeah, yeah. You know, stripper [bleep].

- I don't got my [bleep] sock.

My mom hemmed it. [laughs]

- ♪ I'm in my bag ♪

♪ Anything I want, I have ♪

- All right.

Let's get this show on the road.

[indistinct]

Today is the day. It's finally here.

We are celebrating the launch of Laurens Skincare.

This event's a big moment for me,

and I'm just feeling so grateful.

Whoo.

- There's definitely some uncertainty today.

Jenni didn't agree with me inviting Angelina.

I don't know if there's gonna be a brawl,

if there's gonna be a fight,

if there's gonna be a disagreement.

Is it gonna ruin the event? I don't know.

But I hope not. - Oh, my goodness!

Look at the balloons!

- ♪ Who they wanna test? Who they wanna test?

♪ Beat it up like a drum, speed it up ♪

♪ Speed it up, one, two, speed it up ♪

- Oh, my goodness! - Look at this.

- That's cute.

- Oh, my God, they're fresh. - You're touching the donuts.

- Okay, they're fresh. - Now you have to remember

that's yours. - Yeah.

- ♪ I'm expensive, got designer taste ♪

♪ Can't handle this? Get out my face ♪

- All right, little T.

- Hi! - Hi!

- Hi, how are you? - Hi.

It looks so gorgeous in here.

- I'm not really sure what's gonna happen

if Jenni and Angelina come to the skin care launch,

because I know, like,

they both need to have a conversation,

but the kids are gonna be here.

Tonight's definitely not the night for drama.

You know, just let it be Lauren's day.

- Hi. - Hey.

Hey. Give me a--oh.

Good to see you. - Hello.

Still a little awkward with Mike and I.

I RSVP'd to Lauren's event.

I wasn't gonna back out with the drama.

- Did you say hi to Mike?

- I did. - Okay, that's good.

- Yeah, he came to my house with, like, with a pizza.

I was really caught off-guard, and I get it.

That's, like, the classic Italian exchange.

But I think it was a little defensive on both sides.

I explained to him, I did speak to the girls.

They did inform me that you were being a bad friend,

and he got nervous. So here we are.

- So how is it gonna be with you and Angelina

seeing each other?

[dramatic hip-hop music]

- I have--I'm, like, very unhinged, right now.

♪ ♪

- Going into Lauren's event, we all need to talk,

but at this point, I really don't want to.

- ♪ Be the best, hit the road, now it's time to shine ♪

♪ Get the sack, yeah, feel, it's time to shine ♪

- Real quick in my dressing room.

- It's like a locker room at school.

- When I'm doing the show,

you do, like, a touch of, like, baby oil, right?

- Yeah. - Just to, like, shine you up.

Remember Angelina put it all over me?

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, get down there. So seductive!

- Calm down. Calm yourself.

- The baby oil itself could be too oily, so I'm trying

to invent a concoction that's, like, just the right amount

of water-to-oil ratio.

- Come on, Mike.

How about two parts water, one part oil?

- But this [bleep] goes a long way.

- You want it shiny enough so you look ripped onstage.

I used to be a chemist.

Now, I'm an oil connoisseur. So I got this.

- We want it to be just, like, not too drippy, not too slimy--

- Yeah. - But just, like

a Tuscan sunrise. - Tuscany's nice...

- You know what I mean? - This time of year!

[laughter]

[upbeat music]

Everybody, please give a big round of applause for Lauren!

[cheers and applause]

- Thank you so much for coming out to support the launch

of my skin care line. It is named "Laurens."

- [bleep] man. [bleep].

Oh, where am I putting my car?

- Skin care is something that has meant so much to me

in the past... - Oh, my God.

- Like, five to ten years, I would say.

I'm all about taking care of myself--

inside and out. - Uh-oh.

- And that involves your skin.

Your skin is your largest organ.

- Oh, God.

Angelina is walking in during Lauren's speech.

She couldn't have came at a worse time. [chuckles]

- Thank you to all of you guys for supporting me

and loving me. - Yay.

Yay!

[applause]

- Hi! - You came.

- You look pretty. - Thank you, you too.

- Thank you. - You good?

- Yeah. I mean, I'm trying, you know?

- A divorce is traumatic.

You're going through a very messy one.

- This is enough drama for anyone

that I'm going through alone.

- I think it's enough drama for everybody.

It, like, seeped in to everyone.

- Oh, no. Is that a conversation?

I have, like, a pain in my side.

- And listen, I know we have not always been close.

I invited you here even though you blocked me in Stories.

I invited you here anyway! - I don't think I blocked you

on Stories. I would tell you, Lauren.

I blocked Jenni on Stories.

I'll say it right to her [bleep] face.

Lauren, I'm going through so much in my life.

I don't have time to block you,

and if I blocked you, I would [bleep] say it.

- I think I'm still blocked. - No, you're not, come on.

- So Lauren told me, "Let's block Angelina,"

and I'm like, "Okay,"

because Angelina blocked us on Stories.

I really think Lauren needed me to back her

with unfollowing Angelina.

She wasn't gonna do it on her own.

But then, why are you going to invite

Angelina to your launch party?

And now I'm the bad guy, and it's just, like,

I don't know, it feels dirty.

So here we are.

- Thank you for coming. - I gave you everything, right?

- Yes, thank you. - You can have it.

- I'm trying to keep myself just stress-free,

and I gotta get the [bleep] out of here.

Bye, Lauren.

- Bye! Thank you for coming!

- This is not happening to me!

I didn't say anything to Jenni because of Lauren.

It was her day.

But I know that Jenni and I

are gonna have to have this conversation.

It's not gonna be pretty.

- [groans]

- Feels good. - Ron took some time

to focus on his sobriety.

To what extent and how successful he is,

that's what I want to find out.

I mean, I heard you're doing the right thing.

- Yeah. - I mean, are you?

- Oh, my God, wait! So Jerry Springer's gonna

be our first guest? all: Jerry!

Jerry!

- Can we call you daddy? - Where am I?

[dramatic music]

- This is our mama date.

both: Welcome to "The Meatball Show"!

- Whoo!

Step aside, Oprah,

because the meatball-- - Get out of the way, b*tch!

- Let's make a "Meatball Show," b*tch.

Cameron's thing, which I thought was cute.

- So cute. - This is cute.

- "The Meatball Show"--

our vision is to do it in a she shed...

We also have to do the patio.

In, like, Deena's backyard,

and we have, like, celebrities come.

- That's too small. - No, that's small.

Get outta here. Dee, this is the perfect size.

Let's name her.

- Claudia. - Claudine.

- [gasps] - Ew!

- [shouts] How is that possible?

- Oh, my God!

Come on, Claude! Welcome home!

She looks so hot. I wanna hammer [bleep].

- Now that I have my meatball toolset,

I am ready to get to work.

- ♪ Sisters are doin' it for themselves ♪

- We're here to help.

[both scream]

- Oh-- [both scream]

Okay, I'm done.

Hello, Claude.

We are going to dress you today.

Careful. - Ooh.

Ugh, where is the--

- [gasps]

- Cool. - Sick.

Now we need to figure out our guests.

Amy Schumer's typing!

[both screaming]

- Amy Schumer wants to be on our show!

I'm crying!

- Every time we have a guest,

we have a producer that calls them.

Like, this is what's happening.

- We could just have Chris do it.

- Yeah. - Chris is our producer.

- Amy. - Hey!

- I'm calling to book your travel.

- "The Meatball Show."

- Oh. I'll be there in three days.

- In three days, okay. - Maybe four,

who really knows? - I love the commitment though.

- ♪ Take it back, take it all back ♪

♪ Bring it back, bring it all back ♪

- Cute.

- Okay, we already have Amy Schumer.

So I was thinking our first guest should be a host.

- Yeah. - Like, a legend.

- Yeah, but, like, who knows how to deal with raunch,

and, like, not, like, a-- - Like, not judgey.

- Yeah. Maury?

- Oh, my God, what about Jerry Springer?

- [gasps]

- What about-- both: Jerry Springer.

- Jerry Springer's, like, the best person

to be on our show.

Jerry deals with raunchy people, raunchy situations,

and won't judge us.

All right, I'm gonna DM. I'm scared.

I hate DM'ing people.

I hate DM'ing celebrities.

It's just such a thirst trap, and I hate that,

but, like, Jerry would be perfect.

"Hi, Mr. Jerry, huge fan. Me and my meatball, Deener,

"are doing a 'Meatball Show,' and we would love your advice

"because you are a hosting legend.

"Would you like to be on our show as a guest?

XOXO." - Oh, my God.

Did you send it? - Ew.

- [laughs] - Ugh.

- ♪ I see you ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ How do we let go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ 'Cause we lose that soul ♪

♪ Yeah, we have sent them ♪

♪ We have gone wrong ♪

[phone ringing] - Oh, yeah.

Oh, what up, big dog?

- Oh, damn, it's Uncle Ron Ron himself.

What's happening, maine?

Every now and then, I'll give a shoutout to Ron

just to see how he's doing.

- Everything's good over here, bro.

I appreciate the call. - To let him know

that he's not alone, and to keep doing

the next right thing. - Doing a little GTL right now.

- Gettin' back to the basics? - Yep, exactly.

Get back to the roots, you know?

- Yup. - On another note,

how are the roommates?

- They're good.

- Why don't you [bleep]-- - Are you [bleep] delusional?

- [bleep] off, [bleep].

- He can't hide behind his positive quotes anymore.

People are gonna start seeing through it.

- You are portraying yourself as mediator

instead of owning up to the things that you caused.

- There's a little drama in the streets,

but I mean, that's--

I'm the inspiration.

Some days, I'm the investigation.

- Some days, you're the instigation.

- [laughs] That's--yo, that's the old--

that's the old Situation.

I'm too grown for that, you know?

- Yeah. - How's everything

at the home life? Everything is good?

- Everything's good, bro. It's just being a dad.

I think I'm gonna be coming to the East Coast, actually.

- Oh, damn, all right. - See--see--see some family.

- Let me know when you're coming through

and I'll be sure to make sure

that we have the finest of foods available.

- Okay, see ya. I'm sure you will.

- Yup. - [laughs]

[phone chimes] - [gasps]

He wrote back. - He wrote back?

- [screams] - What did he say?

- No, I don't know! I don't wanna look at it.

- Wait, Jerry Springer wrote back?

- Yes! [gasps]

- Tell me! - [screams]

He said yes. - [shouts] He said yes?

- He said yes! - Oh, my God, wait,

so Jerry Springer is gonna be our first guest?

- Holy [bleep]. This is gonna be amazing.

We're already k*lling it.

- We have freaking Jerry Springer and Amy Schumer

coming here. - Amazing.

- What the frick goes on? - Get ready, Claude.

It's happening.

- ♪ I'm a, I'm a ♪

♪ I'm a, I'm a, I'm a boss ♪

♪ I'm a, I'm a ♪

♪ I'm the one, I'm the boss ♪

- Clear that table off, and we'll do the green room

in the kitchen.

Today, we are finally

doing our "Meatball Show," and it's super official.

That's enough chips, no?

Wait, no, you don't put it in like that.

Chris is such a saint.

Like, helping me and Nicole

from the beginning to the end.

- Chris can, like, build the inside, like,

if we wanna do bars and stuff. - Mm-hmm.

Daddy's working on the she shed.

He can, like, work on the patio.

- Have to do, like, the drywall.

You're the best. Insulation.

And we have to put, like, electrical.

- There has to be lights in here.

Can you do that? - We got packages out here.

- Can you bring them in? - Got it.

- We need steps.

Should we make a ramp?

Did you wanna help bartend?

What about driving our guests?

- Why don't I be the guy in the bathroom with soap and mints,

spritzin' them with cologne before they come out?

- That would be really good service.

Chris, can you get ice?

Chris, can you move Cali's food right now?

Chris!

It's coming out of our own money.

So we have to, like, kind of, like, cut corners here.

You have to pick up Jerry and Amy.

You can get coffee and bagels. We need ice.

- I need help here.

I think we should call someone who's close by

and will be more than willing to help.

- Who are you thinkin'?

- Hello? - Ange, I need help.

Listen, Deena's over here. She's working my fingers

down to the bone. - What do you need me to do?

- [mockingly] "She's working my fingers to the bones."

- You are. - [chuckles]

- ♪ Please let me find my swing ♪

♪ Please let me find my way ♪

♪ Please let me find my way ♪

♪ Till I have something ♪

♪ Till I have something better ♪

- Let's see if I remember how to do this.

[bleep].

- It feels good, feels good, excited to see Mike.

I haven't been on the East Coast in a while--

been a long year, and it's been a lot of doing the right thing

and just being a full-time dad, being sober,

you know, living the best life

that I can live one day at a time.

♪ ♪

- ♪ Unstoppable, unbreakable ♪

- Deener? - Hello?

- Hi. - Hi.

Jerry Springer's gonna be at my house

in just a couple hours, but, you know, we still have

a lot to do. - Hi, Claude.

- Oh, my God. It's a pain in the a*s.

- Claude is looking beautiful.

Like, if I didn't have a husband or kids,

this would be my bachelorette pad with, like,

leopard everywhere and the hot pink and the neon sign.

Aw, it's perfect! - Gorgeous!

- We look like a show. Cute.

Why are my eyes like that?

I can't believe "The Meatball Show's" happening.

Maybe I'm nervous.

No, literally, there's sweat

pouring down my back right now.

[sighs] Jesus.

- Jerry Springer is gonna be in Claude.

- Yes! b*tch, you're gonna have

Jerry Springer in you. - Yup.

- And Amy Schumer. - And Amy Schumer.

- And Chris.

♪ ♪

- Thank you.

- Definitely feel that Ron is going through the process

right now of him finding himself.

He took some time away from the show to focus

on his sobriety.

To what extent and how successful he is,

that's what I wanna find out.

- Oh. - Dang, what up, my guy?

- There he is. - Eatin' the bread already?

- Yeah, sorry. - [laughs]

- I really want Mike to see where I'm at in my life,

because I've gone through treatment before,

and then I've slipped up, you know?

And now I'm sober, and I think that's humbled me out.

- What has it been? Has it been a year?

- It's been a year, bro. - Really?

- Yeah. - And you know what?

I knew that you were on the long road.

- Yeah. - I knew you were on the road

of redemption, and that road is a long road.

- Yeah. - And to be honest with you,

I mean, I heard you were doing the right thing.

- Yeah. - You know?

I mean, are you? - Yeah, I am, bro.

- Good, okay. Good.

Ronnie has been missing in action for almost a year,

and that was really for the greater good.

Ron had to get his life together away from the show.

It seems that he's taking it very seriously.

- The last time, I was just like, "Oh, I did my days."

But it's like, days isn't gonna fix

years of [bleep] up.

- So you got a sponsor and everything?

- Yeah. Part of the process of being

sober and going through the steps is getting a sponsor.

He checks in on me, makes sure I'm doing the right thing.

- Hey, buddy. - Hey, what's going on, buddy?

- How are you, man? - Everything has been good.

I mean, it's just taking it one day at a time.

- You know, I'm just proud of you for how much

work you've put into this.

- I did inpatient. - Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, then I did IOP. - Nice, wow.

- Damn.

I know how hard early sobriety is.

Everybody thinks a comeback is overnight.

It's not. It's years in the making.

So a lot of times, people quit.

- You have to do it, bro. - I did every--I--

- The first time, I didn't do it.

- Yeah. - And then the second time,

I was like, "Well, this is the road I have to take."

- I had to actually go through it, like, three or four times.

[laughter]

- Well, there's guys there who've been there,

like, seven times.

- I don't think I would've been able to survive

such an ordeal without the support and love

from my friends and family, so I want Ron to know that

he's not alone, and we're not gonna quit on him.

- I'm just getting started to get back into the gym.

- Nice. - You know, I hit a little

state of depression for a little bit.

- It happens. It happens.

Listen, your mental health is the most important thing.

- We've always joked around about GTL,

but it really is about-- it's called "self-care."

If I'm sick, I can't take care of my daughter.

- Puttin' your family first, makin' good decisions,

and now you're here on the East Coast--

- Yeah, I missed you guys. - And the whole squad,

like, I'm eager for them to see, you know, the new Ron,

you know? - Yeah.

- Are you single?

I don't want people to think I'm a grandpa [bleep].

Geez, you're such a great-looking older man.

I'm not trying to [bleep] him.

I'm just trying to see if I'm [bleep].

And Ms. Amy Schumer! - Come here, Amy.

- Oh, well--oh, my-- - Help.

Ow, you're on my hair.

- All right, wait, let's do a triple.

- Ready?

[upbeat music]

- Aww! - Meatball Squad.

So I'm gonna wear this, and I'm gonna give some away

to the crew. - I love this!

- Meatloaf's here! - I am the meatloaf.

I'm gonna step up, I'm gonna help the meatballs

and Chris with whatever they need.

You guys drinking already? - Yeah.

- Where's mine? - Well, wait.

- You can't drink yet. We might need you.

- We kinda need you to help us out with something.

- Are you a good driver? - I am.

- He was supposed to pick up our guests.

- But now we had a scotch and we're celebrating,

so now you have to pick up the guests.

- I'm a demon behind the wheel.

I have [bleep] road rage.

I don't know if this is gonna be a good job for me, actually.

[laughter]

- So our first guest, let's say it.

both: One, two, three.

Jerry Springer!

- [gasps]

- Jerry [bleep] Springer. - No.

Jerry mother[bleep] Springer.

Get out. I love him.

He's the god of [bleep] talk shows!

He's a [bleep] judge!

He's a judge, he's a politician.

Shaking! Jerry Springer!

- Are you gonna be all right? - No! I'm fangirling over here.

- What are you gonna say when you pick him up?

- I don't know, my armpits are sweaty!

I grew up watching that man.

Jerry Springer!

This man is gonna be sitting his two a*s cheeks

in my [bleep] passenger's seat in five minutes.

I wish I would've got a car wash for this.

Oh, my God, my car.

- You don't have to clean your car.

- It's embarrassing! - He's not gonna care!

- It smells, like--

- Yo, if it smells-- - [bleep].

♪ ♪

- It's a disaster.

Jimmy Hoffa, his body's probably buried

in my [bleep] back seat right now.

Smells like food in here, and I'm embarrassed.

I'm sure he's used to smelly [bleep].

I'm making the whole car right now

smell like a wh*re in church and [bleep].

This is not a celebrity type of car.

If this show gets picked up, I'm asking for a raise

and a Maserati.

That I can, like, take home and then drive on my own too.

Without being a chauffeur for the day,

if that makes sense.

All right, you're all ready for our guests

for "The Meatball Show."

♪ ♪

- And now the baby's getting big.

- How--and I heard you said you had a--

- I've had her most of the time, yeah.

- You got her most of the time? - Yeah.

She's going to school, she's got in a dance class.

I have Ariana full time now.

That is basically the best thing

that's ever happened to me.

- Dad, can you put this thing? - Yeah, sit there.

Part of being a full-time dad and having her all the time

is that I have to dedicate time

to what she wants to do.

[both imitating slurping]

[laughter]

- My whole life revolves around this person,

this little, tiny person.

We have to go to school to go to dance.

- No!

- It's hard, though, because it's like,

do I be a strict dad,

but then she's gonna be rebellious?

Then it's like, am I gonna be the cool dad,

and then she's gonna go out and cause trouble anyway?

You know, am I gonna be too smothering,

but then she'll turn into Vinny.

[laughter]

You move across country and then move back.

I'm being the best father I can be.

- Hell yeah. - You know, I'm working

on being the best friend I can be to my friends.

- Hell yeah. - You know?

So it's like, every day, I'm trying, I'm improving.

- Are you, uh, eager to eventually sit down

with some of the others? - Yeah.

You know, I just wanna sit down with everyone,

let them know, like, listen, I made my mistakes

and I have to own them.

Can't hide from them, you know? - Yeah.

Yeah, %.

It's a really good thing that Ronnie wants

to take accountability and own up to things.

- I mean, I really can't make that determination

if it's right for the squad because every--

this apology would be individual to each person.

But I think it's really necessary

at the end of the day because his actions

have affected every single one.

Yeah, 'cause everyone feels a different way,

and you can't really speak for people in this situation,

and everyone was definitely upset at the time

for some of your actions.

- How are things between you and the Shoremates?

[sentimental music]

- I definitely miss the roommates.

Uh, this has been one of the hardest years

that I've ever had to face,

and I've been through some [bleep].

I [bleep] up.

I understand, and that's part of recovery as well.

And what matters is that I got through it,

and I'm gonna continue to get through it

and take it one day at a time.

Just gonna own up to my mistakes

and make sure my side of the street is clean.

- Facts. Yeah.

I went through very similar things

in my early sobriety.

Now he has realized that he cannot drink and drug

and he has to be sober in order to have

a healthy, successful, positive life.

I'm eager for you to eventually sit down

with some of the others because, uh,

I could definitely see a difference.

You know, we're all family.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ He said, "Twerk some for a real one" ♪

- Oh, my God, his thumb's up.

I don't know what Jerry Springer

is doing in the street on the side of the road.

Chris must have given him the wrong address.

Hi! - Hi!

- Jerry? - [laughs] Yes.

- Nice to meet you. Angelina.

I'm sweating!

I'm sweating, and I'm so excited.

And I'm sweating.

The meatballs are gonna have their show with you,

and I'm the meatloaf that's picking you up.

- This is perfect.

- Jerry Springer, like, that is my hero.

Like, this is a dream.

This is a dream come true for me.

[sentimental music]

♪ ♪

- How? Like, how did I get so lucky today?

Oh, my gosh, Jerry Springer's in my car. I'm dying.

- No, don't--don't die because first of all,

if you died, the smell-- - No.

- It's horrible. Don't die.

- Um, I'm from Staten Island.

- Well, Staten Island has a lot of police officers, firemen.

- That's all I date. And sanitation workers.

I was married to one. - Oh, right.

- And then what happened was--

- Why do I suddenly feel like you're on my show?

- I feel like I could've been on your show.

- Oh, I got a surprise for you. - Especially my life.

- Bring him on out! - Oh, imagine? Oh, my gosh.

Jerry Springer loves catastrophe.

Me and my husband were having problems,

and he'd be stepping out, and then I was, like, doing...

I love being a catastrophe.

Are you single?

- No, I've been married for years.

- Oh, my God!

I don't want people to think I'm a grandpa [bleep].

Jeez, you're such a great-looking older man.

But I must say, I hope I look like that when I'm .

- I don't think you're gonna have any trouble

finding a young man.

- I'm not trying to [bleep] Jerry.

I'm just trying to see if I'm [bleep].

You are, like, literally the staple of television.

- Oh, it was just stupid what I was doing.

- No, it was amazing! Stupid? - It was. No, yeah...

- I mean, the craziest [bleep] I would--

like, how did--did you need therapy after that?

[both laugh]

Is this real life? Like, is this really happening?

Like, is Jerry [bleep] Springer in my car?

Like, it's just so crazy right now.

When they used to flash their t*tties to you

and then you guys used to throw the beads at them.

- So let me tell you about the beads.

You cannot get plastic like that at Tiffany's.

- This is, like, the best day of my life.

♪ ♪

- Have you ever dated a girl from Staten Island?

- Uh, no, I haven't. - Okay.

- Could we still be friends?

- We can still be friends. - Good, okay.

- That's not a problem.

[upbeat music]

- Chris! Chris! Christopher!

- I think we need to have walkies.

Like, if we need something. - Yeah.

- How does this work?

- Oh, my God. Here, turn it on.

- Um. - The lights are on.

- Nicole to Chris, what's the status on the adjoiners?

- I just left you, literally, five seconds ago.

- [laughs] We're practicing.

All right, so remember, when we do a talk show,

we always want to do our fake talk.

We're gonna take a commercial break!

We will be right back with "The Meatball Show."

And let's pretend we're talking, ready?

[mouthing words]

- Yeah, that's good. - [laughs]

- Every time, like, we close out

and we're going to commercial, we'll go...

That's our thing. No one ever better steal that.

- Let's go into the meatballs house.

- Thanks, meatloaf.

- Jerry Springer's here. - Hey!

- Hey! How you doing? I'm Chris.

- Jerry Springer, like, is a G.

Here, take a water.

Hanging out with him is just so cool.

Look at my dog.

I love that [bleep] man.

So there's this-- one of my roommates,

his name is Vinny, right?

Can you tell me how to get rid of somebody

that's obsessed with me, please?

[sighs] He doesn't get a hint.

- Jerry in there?

- Jerry's in my house right now?

- [gasps] Jerry's in your house!

- Jerry's in my house right now?

Oh, my God.

Just fix my boobs.

I know, mine too. I'm not even wearing a bra.

- It's happening. It's happening.

- Yeah. Okay. We got this.

- ♪ Everybody go hard ♪

♪ All right ♪

- Help.

- ♪ Everybody go hard ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ ♪

- Welcome to my backyard,

and welcome to the first ever legitimate...

both: "Meatball Show"!

- Cheers, b*tches. - Cheers!

- Step aside, Oprah.

- Every week, we will be bringing you

a real as [bleep] show... - Uh.

- Where there's no limits to the topics,

and we are just gonna be a free-for-all...

- Free-for-all! - Good frickin' time.

- Mm-hmm.

[glass thumps]

- [laughs] - Oh.

And there you go with the bloopers.

- He acts like he doesn't

love me to death in front of everybody,

but behind closed doors... - He does.

- I just feel like every time I see him,

his pants grow.

And I'm like, "Dude, I can't."

- So our first guest is someone I feel wouldn't judge us.

- I know.

- And he's an OG in this entire hosting game.

- An icon.

- He had seasons... - Millions!

- , episodes... - Trillions!

Here's our first guest...

both: Jerry Springer!

- He jump ropes for a living. Why does he jump rope?

That's not normal. That's weird.

- Hey, Deena to Chris.

- [laughs]

- Did it go? - Hello?

[static crackling]

- Oh, my God. - [bleep]!

Where's Jerry?

- Excuse me, excuse me.

- I think I touched something.

- [yells] - Stop it!

[static crackling, indistinct speech]

We're on !

Chris?

- Yes, Deena?

- We're ready for Jerry.

Over. - Hallelujah.

- Okay, I am sending in Mr. Springer now.

- [gasps] - I want--I'm gonna run.

I'm gonna run away.

- Jerry! both: Jerry! Jerry!

all: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

[chanting continues]

- Thank you for coming! - Oh! Thanks for having me.

- Thanks for coming, Jerry! - Oh, hi!

- Oh, my God.

- You're...meatballs?

- Yes. - Yeah, we're meatballs.

- Wha--Swedish?

- No, drunk.

Did you ever watch "Jersey Shore"?

- I saw a couple episodes.

- We are where we are because of you.

- I would come home from school and watch your show.

Like, I would watch your show. - Aw.

- You brought reality TV to where it is.

- I apologize.

- No, you made us who we are! - What do you mean?

- No, I-- - Can we call you daddy?

- I--I am not the father.

- To Daddy Jerry Springer.

- Could we at least have a test?

- You are our daddy, and we love you.

- He's such a nice man. - He's so cool.

- I'm picking up Amy now. - Do you need anything?

- Nope, I'm just gonna take a water with me.

I'm gonna pee in my pants right now.

All right, off I go. Quest number two.

- Do you care if we have a little more wine?

- Go ahead. It's on me.

- Cheers. both: This is how we chug here.

- This is how we chug. - Oh.

both: [chanting] Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

- I will fill you up.

- Is that, like, a breathalyzer? [laughs]

- So we have breathalyzers to make sure

we don't black out on our shows.

- I don't wanna get too drunk. - I have never been on a show

with a host that's used breathalyzers.

- Yeah, we're trying to be professional.

- ..

- .? - Oh, my God!

- -point--I don't know.

There's, like, a million different things.

- Well, if the buzzer's going off,

don't drink any more.

You're going off the deep end. - No!

- Oh, she lives here. - Oh, you live here.

- Fill you up, Mama. - Okay, so you won't--

no, then you're contributing.

- Wait, let's do her breathalyzer.

- I'm offended.

- [laughs] - Yeah, let's do that.

- Where am I?

- I mean, oh, come on, Jer.

♪ ♪

- ♪ And this is my world ♪

- Are you ready for some game? - Are you ready for the game?

- I am ready for the game.

- Hey, babe? - What's up, Dee?

- Bring the game out. We're ready.

- The name of the game is "Jersey or Jerry."

- Oh, so you're the host of this show.

- He's the host. - Oh!

- It's a whole family procedure here.

- So I'm gonna read off episode titles.

Ring in, and you have to say

whether it's from your show or their show.

First one. - Get ready, Jerry.

- All right?

[buzzer blares] - Ah!

- Oh, my God, I hit Jerry Springer!

- [indistinct]

- [yelling in slow motion]

- Oh, my God, I hit Jerry Springer!

Did I break you?

Did I break your hand?

- No, it's okay. - It's fine, it's fine.

- Uh, that one's my show.

- You are wrong. It is actually from their show.

- Yes!

- That's season three.

- Johnny!

Is it that other boy that you hooked up with's cousin?

- [laughs]

- Busted! Big time! - Big time!

- Okay, so they have to drink.

- Watch his hand. - Wait.

Wait, why am I drinking? - No, we're good.

- Because it's your show, that's why you're drinking.

- Oh, okay. - Drink.

- That had to be Jerry. - It's ours.

- That also is from "Jersey," season two.

- Me and Angelina need some privacy.

- Gosh frigging darn it in the frigging [bleep]!

- Here's number three. All right, you ready?

- Oh! [buzzer blares]

That's us. - That's us.

- You are wrong! That's a "Jerry" episode.

both: What!

- Oh, my God, I'm falling in my seat.

[buzzer blares]

- Your show.

- No, Jerry. - What?

[buzzer blares] - That's clearly my show.

- That is "Jerry." Finally, you got one.

Yes! - We love strippers!

both: Jerry, do you like strippers?

- [laughs]

- All right, Jerry, before you go,

we have a couple questions. - Yes.

- What would you do if one of our friends

was stirring the pot?

AKA, Mike.

He's saying one thing to us,

but then the other person, he's saying another thing.

- Well, I-- - I mean, what should we do?

- I don't know.

- You should just have a group meeting,

clear the air,

and if someone needs forgiveness,

they will ask for forgiveness. - I'm sorry, sir.

- And then it's up to the one that's been hurt to say,

"Okay, let it not happen again. We each have our weak moments."

There's drinking, which is very believable.

- [laughs] - We're messes.

- But it's working for you.

- It's happening. I'm picking Amy Schumer up.

I need deodorant.

Come on, Angelina, you know you

[bleep] put that deodorant in there.

Oh, my God, please, , .

Thank God, hallelujah!

Wait, is she in the parking lot?

Amy Schumer? Where you at, girl?

Oh, my God.

This is crazy. Is that her?

Oh, my God! - Hey! [laughs]

- What the [bleep]?

- So your signature sign-off is the Final Thought.

- Yes. - What is your Final Thought

for our show?

- Always be yourselves,

and my great hope for both of you is,

may you never be on my show.

[both laugh]

- Thank you. - Good night.

- Godspeed. - We love you.

- Whoo! - Thank you so much.

- Thank you so much. - Oh, my God.

- Thank you so much for coming. - You're a sweetheart.

- I love you! - Oh, you are so sweet.

- Thank you so much for coming.

- Oh, this was great, guys.

Thanks for having me.

- I loved him! - Cheers to Jerry.

- But there is so much more to come.

- Amy Schumer's coming. - I'm already buzzed.

- Cheers to "The Meatball Show"!

It's happening! - Holy crap.

- We'll be back with more "Meatball Show."

- ♪ Oh, yeah, oh, yeah ♪

- Ah...

- ♪ She's so luscious, so luscious ♪

- Welcome back to "The Meatball Show."

Who is ready to friggin' fill their--wait, I'm done.

- [laughs] - Mm-mm-mm.

Welcome back to "The Meatball Show."

- Welcome back, b*tch! - Oh, my God.

- Whoo!

- Deena, Amy's here.

- Send her back.

- Our next guest is a comedian.

- Welcome back, b*tch.

- Just hosted the Oscars.

- Come on.

- And it's Amy Schumer!

- Yeah! [laughs]

- ♪ VIP ♪

- Whoo!

- ♪ You don't mess with me ♪

♪ VIP ♪

- Amy!

- ♪ V-I-I-I... ♪

- That's not Amy Schumer. - That's another Amy.

- Aimee! - Hello! How are you?

- Just make sure Amy is all set, you know, 'cause Amy.

- I have all her info. I will contact her.

- I never said "Amy Schumer."

Deena was like, "Hey, book Amy."

Deena thought that I knew Amy Schumer's number?

- Are they gonna be mad? - They love Aimee.

both: Aimee! - Yay!

- When I found out that Deena and Nicole

were thinking of Schumer,

I stayed zipped up.

Part of this job, you gotta be on your toes.

- Jeez, I didn't think about it like that.

- Welcome to "The Meatball Show"!

- I love--thank y'all for having me.

- We love you... - I love y'all.

- But we really thought we were getting Amy Schumer.

- [laughs]

- So can we just ask our Amy Schumer questions to you?

- Okay.

- How was the Oscars?

Because you saw Will Smith hit--

- Oh, my God, I loved him.

- So she was the opposite, she wanted to k*ll him.

- I hated it.

I will never go to the Oscars again.

Eww.

- So you did-- - "Trainwreck."

- You made us laugh so good.

- Thank you. You're welcome. - You made us laugh so good.

- They're lit!

- Tell us your best meatball moment.

- When I peed in a bag and put it on Codi's forehead.

- Oh, she's pee-peeing.

- Icky. Just let me out.

- [groaning, retching]

- Yes!

- Why isn't Angelina-- [glass thumps]

- Pbbt. - Oh. [laughs]

- I didn't do anything!

- ♪ Yo, I'm a savage ♪

- She's only ..

- Yeah, it can't be right!

It's broken!

- Oh, they're drinking more wine.

- Why are you giving-- - [gasps]

- That's the end.

Come here, Aimee. - Oh, well--

[breathalyzer beeping] [laughter]

- Oh, my God. Help.

Ow, you're on my hair.

- I think next time, we should just sh**t for one guest.

- Thanks for coming on "The Meatball Show"!

- Happy to be here.

- We did it! - We did it!

- k*lled it, b*tch. - Yep.

- Are you alive?

- Oh, I'm--

- Stop holding your things. Just put it down.

- Let's just go!

Tune in--we got it-- to the next "Meatball Show."

We've got it. Whoo!

- Okay. - You got it, b*tch.

- Tune in to the next "Meatball Show," b*tches.

- Boom!

[upbeat music]

- All right, come on. - Where are you going?

- [laughs] Nicole!

- ♪ I said come show me ♪

♪ Show me what you're working ♪

♪ Pull up, I pull up ♪

♪ Show me what you're working with ♪

- My dude, I like having you out here in Vegas, man.

I wish you'd moved here permanently.

You know I got plenty of room in the house, right?

- Yeah, I know, but you know how Nikki gets.

Where we going on the next vacation, bro?

- We gotta figure out someplace dope.

- I mean, we can bring them out to the West Coast.

Like Cali-- - Palm Springs.

- San Diego. - Oh, San Diego's dope!

That has a really nice ring to it:

"Jersey Shore: Family Vacation: San Diego."

- Let me text the group chat. - I think so. I think so.

- Looks like our next vacation is in...

- San Diego? [bleep] going on in San Diego?

- Listen, I'm down for San Diego.

- I'm down for San Diego. Can we go to the zoo?

- I think they got a dope zoo out there.

- Did you know San Diego's nickname is...

- Huh?

- Hey Google, does San Diego have wineries?

- Oh, nice.

- [laughs] - Right now?

- San Diego! Yes, queen?

Oh, my God, if there's drama, I'm literally gonna die.

- I can't wait for San Diego.

I'm kidding.

[line trills]

- What do I do when I see Jenny?

- Have a conversation like you did with us.

- Not ready for it, don't want it,

but it's gotta happen, so.

Guess we're gonna do it in San Diego.

Bring it on, I guess. Oh, God.

- Oh, yes! Stay classy, San Diego!

[upbeat music]

- Look! - Oh, my God!

[laughter]

- I peed on myself. - Eww!

- There's a lot happening right now.

- Welcome to Wylin' Out!

- You know I'm ahead of it.

Vinny, there's no mother[bleep] period.

Now I'm pregnant, b*tch, with your [bleep] kid.

[all screaming]

- [indistinct]

Keep my wife's name out your [bleep] mouth!

- I'm the best mother[bleep] party planner ever!

- [gasps] Oh, my God!

- No, don't [bleep] tell me to listen to me more.

I don't give a [bleep]!

all: Oh!

- Are you [bleep] kidding me?

- I'm not [bleep] done!

Stop [bleep] interrupting me!

Stop [bleep] interrupting!

- Don't touch me again. I'm done.

- I don't give a [bleep]! - [bleep] as*h*le.

- We've given up what for this?

- I think we should just all get off social media.

Cheers!

Okay, thanks. [laughs]