02x01 - The Big Reveal

[bunniefuu]

RODRIGUES MAYA PENITENTIARY

I've learned so much
in the seven months that I've been here.

I'm leaving here today
knowing how to clone a credit card,

how to pull off
the kidnapped daughter scam on WhatsApp,

"Mom."

We're developing a bootleg Netflix,

called "Bootflix."

I'm so grateful.

SMOTHER-IN-LAW

Isadir!

-I can't believe it!
-Oh my God. I'm so happy!

THE BIG REVEAL

My God!

Oh, Fátima!

Fátima came too, Mom!

-You lost weight, huh?
-She did.

The food here sucks.

That's okay.

-Come get in the Uber.
-Why?

Today is your grandchild's
gender reveal party.

-My--
-Yours!

-I'm shook. I had no idea!
-Come on, Mom!

-Mom's out!
-I couldn't be happier.

Mom, it's great that Davi
finished your apartment.

Now you can go back to Cachambi.

f*ck.

f*cking bad driver!

Ma'am, what are you doing?

You've changed, Isadir.

It's prison.

In prison, if you cut in front of someone
in the chow line, it's offensive driving.

-At this rate, you might be going back.
-No. I have a plan.

Think you're taking Grandma
to physical therapy?

-I'm going the speed limit.
-And exceeding the limits of my patience.

I have a gender reveal party to plan.

Hang on, Mom.
Alice's friend is planning it.

Lucinha Sandler.

-What?
-Lucinha Sandler.

-What?
-Lucinha Sandler!

Step on it, girl!

Think I don't recognize you, Pequena Lo.

Welcome back, Mom!

f*cking hell.

-Welcome! How nice.
-Seriously, seven months.

I was in jail for seven months.
No one visited.

Wait a minute,
I visited every chance I got.

-Shitty visits.
-What?

I brought you cake.

I wanted a cellphone, Carlos.

Mom, cellphones aren't allowed in jail.

Pinda's girlfriend
brought all kinds of things

in her naughty bits.

She brought a pack of cigarettes,
Marlboro Lights.

A pair of jeans, all rolled up.

-This box was inside Pinda's girlfriend.
-Mom!

Look who's out!

-Your grandma's back.
-I'm great now!

-Look at her!
-Who's that?

-She's tough, she's strong, Ms. Isadir!
-Oh, God!

Give your grandson a hug!

I missed you so much!

But I didn't miss you.

You really were in jail, huh?
Your butt is flat.

-Looks who's out!
-She missed you too.

My inspiration. Come on.

-Let's have a drink. Double shot?
-I can't.

-Manners.
-My kidneys don't like when I drink.

The house is full of flowers.
I'll take a little one.

-No touching!
-Oh my God.

Alice, calm down.

The caterer isn't answering my calls
and you're ruining my decorations.

These are decorations?

God, I thought you were
taking these to the cemetery.

Well, well, well,

if it isn't my mother-in-law
back from jail to ruin my party.

For your information,
I was finalizing things with Lucinha.

-She's here?
-Yes.

Hold me back, Fátima!

-What?
-I'll kick her a*s!

I'll beat this b*tch up! Lucinha Sandler!

I studied
with a capoeira master in prison.

What's up, babe?

All right, babe?

Clap for me, Fátima. Go on!

Clap for me!

Clap your hands, Fátima!

-Hey!
-Clap!

Hold it.

You activated my psychic powers.

Just so you know,
Lucinha is my best friend.

-Right.
-The only friend she didn't sue.

-Respect your mother.
-What?

That's right, honey.

Rich people sue.

Poor people post about it
on Facebook. "f*ck off, b*tch."

Please respond.

It's not gonna work, Alice.
There's been a setback.

I'll sue you, Lucinha.

-Wait. Did something happen?
-It did.

-What?
-Enzo Sandler's school called me, my son.

I guess he was in chemistry lab.

He walked up to a classmate and…

threw acid on his face.

Oh my God!

It's great for the skin.

Anyone with a skincare routine
knows that. I have to go.

-I can't do the party.
-Wow.

-How sad. Bye-bye.
-What?

-Pardon.
-Lucinha.

Calm down, Grandma.

-Grandma!
-Calm down, Mom. Watch your leg, Mom.

-Lucinha!
-I do yoga.

-What now?
-Relax.

There's no one to plan
my gender reveal party!

-You're lucky I'm such a humble person.
-Oh my God.

I'm not going to take
any of this personally.

I can plan your party for you.

No need to insist. Offer accepted.

This isn't possible.

What else can go wrong?

I almost forgot. The caterer cancelled.

-My God.
-Bye!

-Don't do this.
-Carlos!

No! Calm down, honey.

There's always a solution.

Marinez can help you.
With health, anything is possible.

-Am I right, guys?
-You are.

I don't feel good.

-Holy sh*t!
-Oh, God!

-Marinez!
-Take this!

Take this, quick!

Get her sugar water!

Hold this, please!

This must be from my mom.

THE DIAMOND PACIFIER

Come on. Sit down, Ms. Isadir.

Come on, babe. I'm making you tea.

A nice rosemary tea.

-I'm exhausted.
-I know.

And I'm carrying four kilos.

What's the problem? I carried Carlos.

He weighed 7,5 kilos when he was born.

-What are you talking about?
-You did!

The size of a giant sausage.

Luckily, just a like a sausage,
he was a very hearty child.

Let's go. Come on.

To where, Ms. Isadir?

To where the sun shines brighter
and you can't get a ride-share.

The outskirts.

How are we going
to find a caterer in here?

This is just for decorations.

I'll handle the caterer. Hey.

I know a few girls who work so hard
they might as well be a chain g*ng.

Right, Fátima?

-Yeah.
-One sec.

Pindamonhangaba, call Maceió, please.

I have a job for you.

Did you say Pindamonhangaba?

Everyone should have a nickname.
Just choose the name of a city.

I'll be the Professor.

Why can't I be the Professor?

Do you have a diploma?

Then shut up.

Maceió, call Pindamonhangaba.

-The girls from the reality show.
-What reality show?

The prison. People trapped,
under surveillance all day.

What do you call that?

-What's wrong?
-What's that?

It's a scotch egg.
It's a typical dish out here.

-What's wrong?
-It's true.

Does it come in pink and blue? Wow.

Can we order?
It'll look great at your party.

Don't even think about it!

-Down!
-What?

I meant your head.

Do you see that clerk?

They can smell rich people.
She'll offer you a card.

-Hey, girl!
-Go to sleep!

How are you? Do you already have a card?

Today I can offer
a $300 limit with no tax.

You offered me $80.

Come on, honey. We have to go, Ms. Isadir.

We really do. Look!

When it rains,
everything floods. Let's go.

Good thing I got…

Look at this wig!

-For the party.
-Let's go!

Can you get this for me?

-What?
-What? Who?

Márcia?

Grandma got a wig!

What's up, fam?

Let's drink,
because today is the gender reveal

and the bar serves doubles!

So this is where you come to drink?

-Yeah.
-She's no idiot.

They pour a great beer here,

and the bartenders are shirtless.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

If we don't hurry, we'll get stuck.

Hey, Jonas!

Jonas!

Wow!

Your clothes are drying behind the fridge,
but I love this cowboy vibe.

I look like one of the Village People.

Cézar and I are back together,
and this outfit drives him crazy.

I'm glad you two are back together.

But I wanted to find something
that Kelly would like, you know?

To spice things up.

-I'm free on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
-Oh, please.

-Jonas.
-I'm coming in!

Look who it is!

-Come in!
-How are you?

I'm taking off my wig.
It gave me a headache.

-My good God.
-What a hassle.

I can't believe I'm stuck in Cachambi.
So humiliating!

My God.

What the hell, Jonas?

I'm looking for an apartment
for me and Kelly.

Ms. Isadir, sweetheart, beautiful.

What is it, sweetie?

Honey, the gender reveal starts
in half an hour and you're just chilling?

I'm not chilling. It's poor circulation.

If I don't put my feet up, Alice,

I won't be able to wear my new sandals.

They're smaller.

It's crazy, though.

The minute you come back,
it starts raining.

Are you a witch now?

No, you're thinking of the mayor.

When everything floods,
where is the mayor?

Magically gone.

Don't worry.

This is summer rain.

Relax. Summer rain
is just like senior sex.

It only lasts five minutes.

Excuse me!

Can I have five minutes, Isadir?

There's my senior sex.

I was eager to see you.

Your apartment is leaking,
but I'll fix it.

Oh my God, guys.
I can't get ahold of Carlos.

What do I do?

Calm down, Alice.

The signal here isn't good. It's horrible.

During one rainstorm,
my pacemaker stopped. No signal.

It's true.

Alice, calm down.
Just be thankful the power didn't go out.

It always does.

-Oh, no!
-Ms. Isadir!

Make yourselves at home.

Carlos!

Baby!

-Carlos!
-You're back!

-What happened to you?
-Jesus Christ!

My car died in the flood!

-Your car died?
-It was horrible!

-Wow!
-It was horrible.

-What happ--?
-Her car died.

I wanted to ask you… Jussara,
wave so he knows which one is you.

She gave us a ride in her bootleg taxi.

Take down her username
so you can send her cash.

It's @hotjuju, okay?

-Is the pool clean?
-Let's go!

Jesus Christ!

-Hey, stop!
-One at a time!

Jesus! Careful, Mom.

-What the hell?
-They know I have labyrinthitis!

That Tânia is so rude!

-Now, who--
-She's not riding with us again.

-Yeah.
-Who are they?

Your mom brought all her friends over.

Friends my a*s! Those are colleagues.

I don't like Jussara. That Jussara…

-You know what?
-Quiet.

I don't care! Jussara slept with your dad.

-With Dad?
-Your dad, your grandpa. In Praia Grande.

They had sex
during the Feast of Corpus Christi.

The holiday of abstinence!

Terrible.

-Flavinho!
-What?

I can't keep wearing these shorts.

-Why?
-I shaved my pubic hair.

It's all itchy.

I can't breathe in these things!

I asked him to do that.

I love when men shave themselves bare.

My husband was also bare. Bare broke!

-Who is that?
-One second. Pinda!

Who's that?

Pindamonhangaba, you look
so nice without your jail uniform.

It's great that you're free.

Almost.

For Christ's sake, Ms. Isadir.
What is this?

It's an ankle monitor.
Tons of your neighbors have them.

That politician
and her whole family have them. Please.

Alice, my God!
These hors d'oeuvres are awful.

What is this exotic thing?

Funny, isn't it, honey?

-No time to help but plenty to criticize.
-Amazing.

-What is that, Ms. Isadir?
-A skewer.

Something you certainly never do, huh?

The only thing that I'd skewer
is the amount of plastic at this party.

This cup alone
will take years to break down.

Funny, it only took your son
five minutes to recycle his friend's face.

Your guest list has been better, Alice.

-People are going to get sick.
-Mocotó shots?

Good God, no.

-Where's the hand sanitizer?
-Go to hell!

She deserves a purple nurple.

Alice, take one.

Take one.
It's like my generation's whey protein.

-It's a "mocoshot." Take one.
-Who the hell would drink that?

There's mocoshots, everyone!

-What?
-Hey now! Calm down!

Help! My God!

-I would like--
-Guys, I--

-Did you see how that sl*t Jussara is?
-She's so fast.

Come on, y'all!

You wanted trouble? Here it is!

I brought this band
to kick off the sex party.

It's not a sex party,
it's a gender reveal!

This is your chance!

This is the first "pagayde" group
in Brazil, maybe in the world!

They're called AAT, All About Trouble!

I'm gonna be sick.

I need air. Out of my way!

She can't faint, she's pregnant.
I'll go with her.

Lucinha, honey! Please.

Are you okay?

I have no words.

I'm sorry about this.

Ma'am, can you lend me
five bucks for the beer?

Ew, gross! Shoo!

Why gross?
We have to cover the delivery fee.

Sorry, I have to go.
I don't have time for this.

Can you just do the reveal?

Relax. Just give me one second.

Marinez?

-Did you go to the doctor?
-What a beautiful party.

I did, thank God.

My appointment is in 30 days.

But weren't you sick?

I'm too sick to work
but healthy enough to party.

Speaking of which,
I really want one of those mocoshots.

I'll get you one, baby.

-Thank you, baby.
-Coming through!

Hey, honey. I need to tell you something.

You know that pacifier
your mom got the baby?

It's gone.

-How is it gone?
-I don't know!

For Christ's sake!

-I don't know!
-It's jewelry!

-Relax, Alice.
-I don't believe this.

Ms. Isadir,
you have to find that pacifier.

-Right, Carlos?
-Exactly. You have to find that pacifier!

-Right, Alice?
-Find it.

I think someone stole it.

I don't like you insinuating
that Pindamonhangaba did it.

She doesn't steal.

She's an embezzler,
she's done election fraud,

she tried to escape,
but she doesn't steal.

Really, Mom? Jesus Christ.

-Baby, calm down.
-How?

-Excuse me!

I need to get more drinks.

Did you come to get drinks
or to get something else?

She said that because
her baby's diamond pacifier disappeared,

and she thinks it was you.

What?

-Calm down, Pinda!
-What the hell?

You're too rough, even in the sack.

For God's sake, calm down.

Don't violate your parole. Calm down.

I have an idea.

-I'll check the security camera.
-Great idea.

Alice, this has been great,
but I really can't stay.

I'm in a hurry. Bye-bye.

But wait, we're about to do the reveal.

-I have to go.
-Just wait a second.

How cute is this, guys?
I just found a blue egg in my mocoshot.

IT'S A BOY!

-So cute!
-Goddammit!

You just revealed that it's a boy!

-Marinez!
-It's a boy, I guess.

-What the hell?
-And stop!

Done. It's a boy. Bye-bye!

No! I didn't do all this for you to leave.

Wait a minute.

-Come back!
-I'm onto something.

I'm going to sue you, Lucinha.

Just a second.

-You did this, Mom.
-Stop right there.

Just a second.

-Give me that purse!
-You're crazy!

-She took my purse!
-Time for a real reveal.

Look who stole the pacifier.

Hey, Flavinho!

-Now is not the time for pagode, Flavinho.
-Oh, sorry.

I didn't steal it. It's a disease.

Kleptomania.

But I'm in treatment.

How funny.
When you're rich, it's a disease.

-When you're poor, it's a crime.
-Exactly.

-How embarrassing!
-Get lost!

I'll know if you stole any sweets,
because I counted them!

See, Isadir?

So rich and still stealing.

How did you figure it out?

I'm psychic. Just kidding.

Come here, Pinda.

Pinda has a nose for naughty women.

Hey! Leave me out of this, Grandma.

Listen, I'm sober now.

I drank some glucose. I'm good--

-Yikes.
-Good God.

Ms. Pinda,

I think I owe you an apology.

I take cash, not apologies.

-Cash.
-I'll add it to the catering bill, okay?

-My God.
-Oh my God.

We're leaving for Cachambi.

Bye, fam. See you later!

Bye-bye! Bon voyage!

-Best wishes.
-Bye, everyone.

-All the best.
-See you.

I would love
to get my allowance early, okay?

I'm not paying you early
just so you can live in Cachambi.

No way. You'll work for me.

-Really?
-Yes.

Wow, easiest job interview ever!

Thank you!

We're going to be neighbors now, Grandma.

Grandma? We could be cousins.

Please, Jonas.

You can't move to Cachambi.
It's dangerous.

Speaking of which!

-What the hell?
-Everyone get out!

-Out!
-Alice!

-Good God!
-I'm so sorry about her.

Sorry about her.

-I'm so sorry.
-Out of my house!

-I'm really sorry.
-Out!

Calm down!

You too, Ms. Isadir!

Your apartment is ready!

I did everything I could to stay here.

-Isadir!
-Oh, God.

The roof of your apartment
collapsed, baby.

-This is going to take a while.
-Thank God!

Construction at home

I'll get my clothes
And move back here

The ceiling is collapsing on my bed

I'll be in Barra in my pajamas

-What, Carlos? What?
-Calm down. Sit down.

Calm down… How many…

-f*ck!
-What, Carlos?

What a rude woman.

So I said, "Mr. Antônio,
I'm already here. Let me get a baguette."

"Since I'm already…"

Wait, I'm gonna finish.

Carlos!

I'm laughing because I remembered the time
I went up to Manoel at the bakery,

the Chachambakery.