02x02 - Sales Coach

[bunniefuu]

Hi Robert, how are you?

It's Isadir, from class.

I know the class is over,
so I'll be brief,

because I hate long voice messages.

I was having coffee--

Yes, I make my own coffee,
because my maid is 31 weeks pregnant.

So I… I was going to ask
you something, but I forgot.

You sure renewed living here
for a second season, didn't you?

SMOTHER-IN-LAW

Really, I'd like you
to call me Coach Isadir from now on.

SALES COACH

And don't talk to me about Elite,

because I'm waiting for Round 6.

Don't pretend I'm from Invisible City,
because look at my Queen's Gambits.

Let me talk to you.

I started a course with Robert.

Robert is my workshop guru.

Robert De Niro.

It's so funny. Did I show you?

-Let me see.
-Sales coach.

-How long is the class?
-I almost cancelled it.

It's so long.

-Three hours.
-Sales coach?

A sales coach.

I have to show your mom that I'm useful,

so I'm moving everyone from
their comfort zone to the savings zone.

Nice suitcase. It's so unique.

It's ecological, sustainable,

and made of banana tree fiber.

Wow. Is it made of banana-gold?

The price is definitely sustainable.

It could sustain a family's daycare

and fine dining for weeks on end.

And probably holidays too.

This pregnancy has me on edge.

I need a detox juice.

I'll make you one. Come.

Wait. Look at this.

The same juice is on sale at the market.

It's under 20 bucks
for a liter and a half, okay?

Another place that it's cheap

is this store
with great deals, called Valmart.

It's really--

No, honey. That's not how you say it.

It's pronounced Walmart.

No, honey. It's Valmart,
because it's Val's market. Okay?

It's next to the Cachampizzas pizzeria.

That place is great. They're zero-waste.

They take
the leftover stroganoff from lunch,

and they make stroganoff pizza
with a potato crust.

-It's good.
-It's great.

Give me a break.

I'm so busy,
and I still have to shop for the baby.

Where are you going, Marinez?

-I'll be right back.
-I don't understand.

-Hi, Mom!
-Where are you going?

Jonas slept here so he'd
be on time for his first day of work.

Where is he?

I haven't seen him
since he moved in with that b*tch Kelly.

-Don't call her that.
-"Don't call her that."

-Ms. Alice?
-What, Marinez?

Where is your loyalty card?
I need it to go shopping.

Can you only get deals and promotions
if you have a loyalty card now?

Only people who don't have bad credit,

or better yet,
people with immaculate credit scores.

Right?

It's in the drawer, Marinez. Look again.

I'll look. I have to go today, for sure.

We have a lot of points saved up.

If you use them on the right day,
you get a loyalty discount.

See? Unlike other things,
it's good to be loyal to stores.

It gets you deals.

When I was faithful,
all your grandpa did was cheat.

Let's change the subject!
Look at this, Mom.

Look how nice this is.
We did a 3D ultrasound of your grandson.

Isn't that amazing?

-Marinez, did you get one?
-It was $300, ma'am.

By the time I pay that off,
I'll already have met the kid.

I thought I'd wait.

She makes a great point.

How did they convince you
that this is your kid?

Seriously.

-This thing is just a stain.
-What?

Speaking of which,
we need to buy stain remover.

I learned a trick from Robert De Niro.

When you make a salad,
put your clothes under it

so the extra vinegar falls on them
and removes the stains.

I'm leaving.

I'm not getting stressed out by you today.
I have to get to prenatal care.

-Okay. Here.
-Hey there!

I can't believe Jonas.

He's late on his first day.

The first time always hurts, honey,
you know?

-Stop.
-I've lived it.

It hurt so much.

But, look, you get used to it.

I'll go wake up Jonas, my grandson.

Grandma will go wake him up.

You do that, Mom.
I'm taking Alice to her appointment.

-Okay.
-Get up there and wake him up!

I'm going. I'm in a great mood today.

Now that I've started doing yoga, Carlos,

I'm unstoppable.

I'm doing CrossFit.
I'm jumping on the box.

-Oh my God!
-There.

Mayday!

Jonas, why did you sleep here last night?

Funny story.

Kelly and I are paying
the rent in installments.

So I thought,
why not move out in installments too?

I'm so glad being thrifty is genetic.

Get in the shower. I got this on sale.

That's dishwasher detergent.

What's the problem?

If it removes grease
from plates and cutlery,

it should clean your butt and willy too.

My God. There's Alice's loyalty card.

I'll take a picture.

If I get there before Marinez,
I can get the deals.

No one will know I took a photo,
because no one is here.

-Are you talking to yourself?
-I'm praying.

I didn't know you were religious.

It's the store that's religious.
Every time I pay, it takes its tithing.

You're absolutely right.
Everything is so expensive.

I'm spending so much
on this pregnancy thing.

The only upside is the priority seating.

I've always gotten priority seating.

Even before I got pregnant and old,

I used this fake belly here, like this.

-You're a crook, aren't you?
-No, honey. I'm thrifty.

I used my school uniform
until I was 65. Look.

I can't believe you wore
a school uniform to get discounts.

You were a teacher.

Honey, a teacher is a lifelong student.

Anyway, do you want to enroll in my class?

Enrollment is open
for the sales coach workshop.

Babe, I'm getting a PhD in deals.

If you're teaching a class,

tell the rich kids that anything gourmet
is three times as expensive.

You're no fool, are you?

Do you want to partner up with me?

I'm not that dumb, Ms. Isadir.

You're too much of a crook.

I'd have to be an idiot
to partner up with you.

Here's the deal.

You'll be my junior partner,

but you'll be
my advertising and marketing manager.

-Do I get an office?
-No. You get to hand out flyers.

And here's your first paycheck.

Look at it. Your first paycheck.

You said you'd pay me in cash.

I said, "eyelash."

If you're keeping an eye on prices,

why not make it a pretty eye?

Why not?

Do you really think
rich people will want this?

Those rich people
over in Barra don't know anything.

And listen, it's a two-for-one deal.

While you're delivering flyers,
you'll be getting an arm workout.

-Like this?
-Look at that arm workout.

Look. It's great for toning the arms.

-It's so important at our age.
-Here?

Look at you!

Check you out!

Gracyanne and Barbosa.

Is this a gym for the elderly?
Smart Arthritis?

Girls, I've gotta jet.

I have to find the person
who puts a smile on my face.

-My son?
-I'm talking about my dentist.

Cezinha is running
a bartering deal at his clinic.

For every three mouths, I get one veneer.

I started yesterday.

Don't worry, Flávio.

You know so many mouths,
you'll have all new teeth in three days.

Did you bring your loyalty card?

Look, beef is twice
as expensive as it is in Cachambi.

People here are vegetarian, but not
for the animals. It's for their wallet.

No. Let's trade that in.

Take this dented can.

It's cheaper.

Do you want to learn more?

-Where's the flyer?
-Here.

Check it out, Isadir.
They even charge to grind the meat.

Look at this, Fátima.

Look at this.

Excuse me,
is this where you do the surgery?

Surgery?

Liposuction.

You're really selling
this small cut of meat for this much?

You're kidding me, right?

They do it because people let them.

Come here, people. Please.

Gather round. I'll change your lives.

Let me take you forward, to victory.

Repeat after me.

"Chief, chief, chief.
Lower the price of beef."

Chief, chief, chief
Lower the price of beef!

Louder!

Chief, chief, chief
Lower the price of beef!

-Take one.
-Want to save? Make Isadir your fave!

Here's my address.

Just ask for Carlos and Alice's house
at the front desk.

Look, everyone.

I have a Tupperware set here, okay?

The person who gets the most deals

will win the Tupperware set, okay?

Let's sing a song.

Residents of Barra
What did you used to do?

We spent too much money
And still couldn't eat for two!

Residents of Barra
What is your mission!

Go to the store
Find the deals and get 'em!

Very good. Congrats.

This woman here, for example.

Is this woman elderly? Yes.

When you're chasing deals,

the elderly will
always be a little weaker.

But can you let them get in your way? No.

Because when we encounter an obstacle, we…

-Overcome it!
-Great. Very good.

-Wow!
-You weren't in sync, but that's okay.

So we take some olive oil.

Olive oil can be a hero or a villain.

When there's an old person
in your way, do this.

Throw a little…

Throw a little olive oil on the floor,
and the geezer slips.

They fall, then you chase that deal.

That's a wrap, folks!

I've always dreamed of doing announcements
for the supermarket.

Hello, customers.

That's right. I said deals.

You heard me right.
Items with a yellow tag are on sale.

The yellow tag is the key. Positions!

-Positions.
-God.

When I blow the whistle, you go. Okay?

That's a wrap!
I've always wanted to be a cashier, man.

Credit or debit, sir?

This is the express lane.

Cut it out.
No one cares how many items you have.

Let's go, folks. Everything good?

Where's your reusable bag, Student Six?

Are you gonna pay six cents per bag?
Do you wanna go broke?

Do you?

Come on, Papa Smurf and Gargamel.

Let's go.

That's enough for today.

You can leave, everyone,
but stay focused. Okay?

Wow. The audience is clapping for you.

Good job. Congrats.

Hello?

Hello. This is
the manager of Barra Market.

Can I speak to Ms. Alice?

One moment.

-It's for you.
-Hello?

I finally got a hold of you, Ms. Alice.
I'm the market manager.

He's looking for Alice, not me.

-Because he thinks you're Alice.
-b*tch.

Hi, how are you?

-What can I do for you?
-We looked at our security tapes.

You knocked over a woman
in the personal care aisle.

Personal care…
Over by the shampoos and soaps?

Exactly.

That wasn't me.

Lawsuit?

Are you aware
that you're speaking with a lawyer

who defends affordable prices?

Isadir!

-Carlos and Alice are coming!
-God!

I thought those lashes
would bring out your eyes.

-How do I look?
-Terrible.

Let's go.

Come on.

Wait, Isadir. Wait.

What the hell
is going on here, Ms. Isadir?

-Yeah.
-It looks like a supermarket sale in here.

So the decorations look nice!

Honey, I think we are in a supermarket.

There's a cart, and oil on the floor.

What a mess.

How can I help you, sir?

No way.

I'm afraid this register is closed.

REGISTER CLOSED

Hello?

From the market?

-Market?
-No, I already have a card.

-Is it the manager?
-Jesus!

What?

Mom, what have you been up to in here?

Did you know I'm a sales coach?

-A what?
-A sales coach.

-You're joking.
-I am not joking.

I was inspired by you.

Really?

I felt pity, because I thought,

"She must be so dumb if she's paying
a fortune for a suitcase made of banana."

I thought, "Poor thing.
It must be a lack of information."

And what is this crucial information?
Spill it.

Bleach is 2,99 at the other supermarket.

Chew on that.

Carlos, answer this phone
before I throw it at the wall.

This market is getting on my nerves.

-She doesn't want it!
-What don't I want?

What?

-Alice?
-What?

-Impossible.
-What?

It's impossible. This is a mistake.

That's crazy. Of course not!

What is it?

This guy called
and said you pushed a woman at the store.

That's crazy.

-It must be a prank.
-It has to be.

Guys, it has to be a prank call.

-It's a prank.
-It has to be.

Obviously.

They're so… The world is lawless, huh?

Enough. I'm gonna go rest.

Look at my foot. It's swollen.

Go get in bed
and put your feet up so they don't swell.

Also, turn off your phone
so no one bothers you, sweetheart.

-Go ahead, babe.
-I'm going.

Go on. I love you, babe.

-Love you.
-Is that the phone?

-It's ringing.
-I'll get it.

Wait, Carlos! Me first!

-You're not getting it!
-Calm down, Carlos!

-Where's the phone?
-Relax!

Stop, Mom! Stop it!

-Wait, Carlos!
-Mom!

Hello?

Hey! Stop!

-Hello? Hi.
-Give it to me!

No, stop!

Wait, you again? I can't believe this.

Wait, there was an accident?

I already told you…

Listen to me, my wife is pregnant.
She didn't go to the store today.

What did you say?

You have security footage?

Describe the woman to me, please.

Pink skirt.

Green frilly blouse.

Let's stop at frilly.

Carlos, I'm going
to admit this in front of you, God,

and the law.

-Who did it, Mom?
-Me.

-I knew it.
-I did it.

But they're being so dramatic.

It was just a little push. It was like…

-A little push?
-Tiny.

All right then, Mom.

You knocked over that old woman!

I got the condensed milk.

Grab it!

m*rder*r!

At most, that old lady skinned her knee.

-Guys! Mr. Carlos!
-She's calling me!

Ms. Isadir! Come here!

Mom, you're limping.

Let me through. Move.

-What?
-The market's a mess.

-It was crazy.
-What happened?

I guess there was an old lady
who fell on her face.

She got hurt,

and they took her away, unconscious,

on a stretcher.

Mom? I thought it was a little push?

-One moment. I'm praying.
-Take your time.

Carlos, I wish
the whole country understood

that shopping is a contact sport.

Please. Cachambi would
never be this sensitive.

Remember that old market
in our neighborhood?

Anyone with five scars won a spice rack.

Were you the old lady
that knocked down the other old lady?

The cops will come.

Oh God, Fátima.

We'll get arrested
and it's not my first offense.

-Poor old lady.
-Whose side are you on?

-I'm talking about you.
-b*tch.

-Are you sick?
-You're a little cold.

I-- Jeez.

-What's wrong?
-What's wrong, Mom?

-She's cold.
-I'm gonna puke.

Don't be a drama queen.
I know how this goes.

-She's cold.
-What now?

-My God!
-You guys.

It's just my blood pressure.

-Your blood pressure is fine.
-Really?

I'm telling you. Really.

But you need to calm down,
because you have heart problems.

But don't worry, Mom. I'll handle this.

Alice won't know a thing.

-Uh-oh. Alice.
-Here she comes.

-Here she comes.
-Ms. Alice!

You're white as a sheet. Are you okay?

-Are you okay, honey?
-I got an email.

What happened?

They cancelled my account
and accused me of as*ault.

-You?
-Guys!

That woman is really mad at you, Isadir.

-What woman?
-Isadir knows.

Ms. Isadir, if you had a hand in this…

-Relax.
-Actually, I used my elbow.

Mom!

She used her elbow and your account.

That's why everyone thinks
you knocked that lady over.

She used your account. I said it, bye.

-Ms. Isadir.
-Yes?

It wasn't enough that you
almost destroyed my marriage and my home.

You need to ruin my image too?

-Relax, honey.
-Relax?

I'll fix it. No one will know.

-Prove it!
-Of course I will!

Guys, there's a protest outside

for a woman I saw in the hospital.

A crazy woman pushed her at the market.

Oh my God, Mom.

You guys!

What's with the party outside?

It's like a guided religious tour
out there. Old people screaming.

They stopped a Mercedes
and lit it on fire.

Oh my God!

That happens all the time on our block
but they burn buses.

That's true!

Look at this, babe.

They even gave me this shirt.

God, this is so embarrassing.

Márcia, clear something up for me.

This woman at the hospital. Is she alive?

Yes, Ms. Célia is alive.

But she's in observation. She's diabetic.

-Oh, God.
-Diabetic? My…

God acted through me
to get the condensed milk away from her!

Our name is going
to be ruined in this neighborhood.

There's no need for all that, Alice.

They have no idea it was me.

Isa, take a selfie with me!

You're famous! You're trending on Twitter.

They're calling you Vera Belfort
for the way you knocked out that lady.

-The video went viral.
-My God.

-Who took the video?
-I don't know, but your son shared it.

He sent it to Cachambuzz,
our Chachambi gossip chat.

Let me see the video.

-Here.
-Let's watch it together.

-Here.
-No!

Press play.

You know what, Ms. Isadir?

I'm starting to like
the idea of going to jail for you.

At least I'll get some peace in there.

I don't mean
to take advantage of your goodwill,

but if you go to jail,
can you get a message to Guard Bete?

Tell her I miss… She knows Navalha.

Tell her I miss Navalha.

-Isadir?
-Yeah?

I think you better
give up this coaching thing.

-Who is it?
-Who is it?

-We'll just take a little walk.
-Oh my God.

Can this get any worse? It can't.

Give back the money you took!

You're a crook
Give back the money you took!

You're a crook
Give back the money you took!

Everyone knows
your class is a scam, you old sl*t!

My God! I thought
you'd call me anything but a sl*t.

I wanted to ask you something, Alice.
A favor.

Would you go to jail for me?

You're a first-time offender.
They'll cut you a deal.

You're a crook
Give back the money you took

You're a crook
Give back the money you took

You're a crook
Give back the money you took

You're a crook
Give back the money you took

You're a crook
Give back the money you took

I'm fed up.

All "nervs"

about this pregnancy.

What happened?

What?

She's "nervs" like Mussum.

-Are you going to see my son?
-No. The dentist.

Cezinha is doing a trade-in…

-My son?
-No. The dentist.

Cezinha is doing a trade-in…

sh*t! f*ck!

f*ck!

Our name is going
to be ruined in this neighborhood.

Don't get "nervs," Really…

Oh my God!

Thanks, everyone!