02x03 - Suitcase Dupe

[bunniefuu]

Carlos!

The floor is still covered in olive oil

from your mom's deal coach antics.

And now she has an opinion
about my hospital bag

which I'm showing in my interview tomorrow

on Kátia Domingues' live show.

Pack your own bags

before I find a way
to kick you out of here.

Relax. Mom, don't mess with her things.

You're the one who messed with her things
and got her pregnant.

SMOTHER-IN-LAW

-Help me with this, Alice.
-What is it?

SUITCASE DUPE

A farm animal, three letters.

-Cow. Sorry.
-Okay.

What's this for, Ms. Isadir?

What is this?

It's to protect
my grandson against the evil eye.

The kid is going to be envied and hated.

Envied because of you,
and hated because of you.

And what is this for, Ms. Isadir?

It's a little dessert for my friends,

for when they visit my grandson

in the hospital.

This is just sliced pumpkin.

They're all diabetic.

Babe, put it in the suitcase.
What's the harm?

-But this is a new suitcase, Carlos!
-And my mom is old!

No?

But when you want hemorrhoid cream
it's good I'm old, huh?

I'm sorry, Mom.

Listen, Ms. Isadir,
my diet is very regimented.

Mine is too.

Buchada, galinhada, and patada,
all meat and rice dishes. Okay?

There's only one rule.
I get hungry, I eat.

Mom, listen. I'm not sure
if you know, but Noah is really healthy.

Healthy how?

-He is!
-In that little belly?

-It's like a studio apartment for babies.
-What the hell?

For Christ's sake.

The kid will be stunted.

Enough, Mom!

I'd love to send you off
to you know where.

-Come on.
-I'll go if it's by plane.

I've never had the chance…

-Really?
-Yes, really.

I've never in my life had the chance…

That's great!

…to fly in a plane.

If I could get a little peace…

Look, I'd pay for it. Just say where.

-Noronha.
-Noronha, Mom?

You don't like the beach.

But I like orgies.

-Carlos.
-What, babe?

-Call your agent. Book it for tomorrow.
-Okay.

-Of course.
-Call them.

Finally, my son can have some calm.

Sadly, I can't say the same for mine.
He's married to you.

-Mom?
-Yes?

Noronha is sold out. What else?

At least no one will bother me in here.

I have to get ready for my interview.

-What--
-Oh!

This isn't a motel, you sl*t.

-Don't talk to her like that.
-What?

-You might want to tell my sister.
-Yeah.

There's a mirror on her ceiling
and a red light. It's almost a business.

Why are you here? You have your own house.

-I'm going to bed.
-Okay.

-If you know what I mean.
-Oh.

Bye, Mommy.

-Hurry up.
-Jonas.

You could do a lot better.

I tell Carlos that too, you know?

If you know what I mean.

That's not what she meant. Mom!

Yes, it was.

-Do you have to talk to her like that?
-Yes.

Come here, honey.

I'm taking a trip, and the woman told me,
"Do you have your check?"

I told her no one uses checks anymore.

No, it's check-in. Check-in.

-Oh, okay.
-Speaking of, help me with my plane.

I'm nervous.

Me too. Do they have
preferred seating on planes?

Does the lady selling snacks have paçoca?

Grandma, the plane
I'm talking about is Kelly, okay?

There are lots of curves and nooks.
I don't know what to do.

God, no grandson of mine
is gonna suffer from…

premature ejaculation.

Please,

if you think
the champagne is about to pop,

stop shaking the bottle.

You're only telling me this now? Okay.

What about the G-spot?

I always keep a G-spot flip chart with me
that can help explain.

Are you with me?

This is the female sexual organ.

Now that I've helped you
with the boarding gate,

can you get me to my destination?

-Of course.
-I want to go somewhere…

-Find grandma a place.
-Yeah.

tr*mp Beach.

No. I don't want any competition.

Okay. No problem.

What about West Sheets Park?

Will someone from the West
get between the sheets with me?

-That's on you.
-That's the one. Carlos!

-I found a place.
-Tell me!

-I'm doing CrossFit. Jump!
-Mom!

I have to make a call. Hello?

Hi, Navalha.

I wanted to talk about a trip.

You want to get on this ride,
naughty girl?

But conjugal visits are on Thursdays.

Are you still locked up, Navalha?

I'll take my own suitcase then. Bye.

Mom, what are you…?

I'm taking my bag,
and I'm bringing Fátima.

Great! Give me your info and Fátima's,
and I'll get your boarding passes.

-Okay, I'll text it to you.
-Do it.

I got it.

You've got Fátima's banking info
in your phone?

It must be for something ill*gal.

It's so I can get a rewards card.

Boarding passes sent!
Your flight is early tomorrow morning.

-How wonderful!
-It's great.

-Guys!
-Early tomorrow.

I'll be totally prepared
for my interview tomorrow

to talk about my career, and my
double journey as a working mother.

You're proud of a double journey?
I had a triple one.

I had to take a bus,
a train, and an ill*gal taxi.

-Mom.
-I did. For nine months.

Nine months?
You didn't ask for maternity leave?

When I boarded,
I'd say, "Leave this seat, b*tch."

"This is priority seating."

I'd give her a little smack.
She'd want more.

I'd say, "What?" Then I'd…

-I'll call Fátima.
-So go call her, Mom.

-Call her.
-Some privacy?

-We're not doing anything.
-No way.

Hello?

Hi, Fátima.

We're all set for the trip.

I wanted to ask you to dress down.

I hung up, dummies!

-Come on, Fátima.
-Hi… Isadir?

-My God.
-Good lord, Isadir.

What are you wearing, Isadir?

Your first flight
is like Christmas with family.

You know there will be turbulence,
but you still dress up.

I'm not ready yet.
I didn't have time to get dressed.

I have to fly now.

The next time we go up in the sky,
God will grab us because we're so old.

-Why the filter?
-I don't trust the water on Earth.

Why trust the water in the sky?
It's full of impurities.

And the floaty?
The plane doesn't have a pool.

If there's an emergency water landing,
I'll be ready.

And I've got a coral jumpsuit,

so I can match with the life jackets.

-Good point.
-Go get your bags, Fátima!

-I have to tell you everything!
-I'm going!

-Hey.
-Hey.

What do you think of my look?

I'm doing Fátima Bernardes, making time
for anyone who wants to sing for me.

What a beautiful suitcase! Amazing.

It's like my lace.
You can't tell it's fake.

Ugh!

This bag reminds me of you.

-Why?
-One wheel is spinning out of control.

-Bad girl.
-Speaking of, where's Cézar?

I'm meeting him at the pride parade.

I've got
my pregnant lizard costume right here.

-Bye, Larissa and Manoela.
-Bye.

-Good God.
-Bye.

Hi.

You look beautiful, Fátima.

I changed. I don't want to be left out.

I think I have everything.
There's my phone.

-Ready.
-Let me check something.

Let me check my bag. I have OCD.

Oh my God, my sedative!

-No! Your sedatives?
-I forgot it at Carlos' house!

We have to go back.

Oh my God.

Look at that.

What a jealous cow.

A suitcase just like mine.

Really, I'm the jealous cow.
I bought one like hers.

My God, I have to get my sedative.

Where was it? Upstairs?

What's up, Fátima?

The Uber driver is complaining?
Tell him to go to hell.

No, it's not upstairs.

I remember, it's downstairs.

I remember it's in the sofa,
where Marinez doesn't clean.

I found toilet paper.

Oh, my Sudoku.

Oh, wow! The steak I bought yesterday.

I found my sedative, Fátima.

Oh, no. My God.

Okay, I've got my sedative.

Now--

Who… What is it, Fátima?

For Christ's…
I already told that Uber driver.

Repeat after me, "Go to hell."

Okay? Thank you.

I'm coming, Fátima.

Seriously, this is just too crazy.

-Can you take this, please?
-Yeah.

Pardon me.

-For God's--
-I told you we had time, Fátima.

Do you have a cup for water?

Ma'am, on this plane
we have free mineral water.

Would you like some?

I don't trust the water I buy.
Why would I trust the free stuff?

Okay? No, thanks.

-Do you have snacks?
-Yes.

A pregnant woman. Pretend you're asleep
or she'll want our seat.

I'm sleeping.

-Isadir?
-Yeah?

I think we're old enough
for priority seating.

Fátima, that guy is so old.

He's not getting anything up.
How will he get the plane up, Fátima?

Excuse me, ma'am. That's not our pilot.

He's the copilot.

That's our pilot there.
A consummate professional.

He's so young, just the way you like it.

-I'd take a crack at him.
-You'd crack your spine.

-Ugh.
-Please, Fátima.

A young guy doing a TikTok dance--

Good morning, everyone.
I'm your pilot, Fallon Theocean.

Fallon Theocean! My God, fall…

It's a sign.

It's a sign, Fátima.

A sign? Open this!

Where's the thing that falls down?

-Where's the mask?
-Calm down.

-I won't go!
-Breathe with me. One, two, three.

Relax, ma'am. We're not taking off yet.

-Would you like some coffee?
-That won't help my nerves.

Good point. How about a beer?

-No, I don't need a beer.
-That beer looks amazing.

Hand over the bucket.

Leave the bucket here.

-Pass me my bag. I need my sedative.
-Your bag? Hang on.

-I'll have my beer with a sedative.
-You can't drink with sedatives.

I shouldn't drink in front of my poster
of Father Fábio de Melo.

It's a sin.

At least Kátia's here.

You didn't bring a sex toy with you.

Carlos was very clear.
He said, "Take care of yourself."

-So I brought a toy.
-He didn't mean that.

This isn't my bag. It's not in here.

-Kátia isn't in here.
-It's her cousin.

-It's her cousin!
-I'm leaving.

Tell the plane to stop!

I'm not going. Good luck to you all.

I'll take this cloth here for my desk.
This one will match my tablecloth.

-Oh my God!
-Okay?

-Safe travels. Fasten your seatbelts.
-I'll take this.

Can I hug you?

Go with God.

At your age, you'll be with him soon.

Have a nice life.

Grandma must be in the sky by now.

Yeah? At least
something is up in this house.

Listen, I'm not okay.

Stress, work, too many thoughts.
It happens to men.

I just hope your mom
doesn't bring it up in her interview.

-Dad.
-What is it?

Kelly was talking about me.

-Really?
-Yeah.

You outed yourself.

-Oh.
-It's okay.

But in my case,
it's from lack of experience.

-He's young.
-Yeah.

I'm an expert in this area.

In my case, the apple fell
far from the tree.

-Have a good one.
-It's in your genes.

-God, Carlos isn't answering.
-Oh, God.

Are cellphones just for pictures?

You old hypocrite.
You were just taking selfies.

Your rearview mirror must be working,
since you know so much about others.

You see that red light up there?
Run it, let's go.

That red light there?
You can walk if you're in a hurry.

-I won't risk my safety.
-Risk your safety?

You're not wearing your seatbelt,
a screwdriver is holding that window up,

and your tire is bald.

Risk your safety?

Please, step on it. I'm in a hurry.

Go to hell.

Hold me back, Fátima,
before I fight someone.

My interview is about to start.

It's going to be recorded in this room,
and transmitted live.

-Is Ms. Kátia on her way?
-Yes.

I wanted to ask
if I could get her to sign my cookbook.

-The one you never use?
-Yeah.

No, you can't.

-Okay.
-And don't let anyone in here.

-Where's my suitcase. Here.
-Wow.

I'm leaving, honey. Good luck.

-Break a leg.
-Have a nice day.

-Let's go, Jonas. Come on.
-Go on.

You should like going to work.

I do. I like when my shift is over.
I really like that part.

-I know that.
-I do.

Let's go to work.

One thing I don't want is to see Kátia.

Every time I see her at the station,
she asks for a raise.

That's what I wanted to ask.

-What?
-We don't need to be at the station.

-Just--
-You want a raise?

-If you think I've earned it.
-That must be her.

Excuse me.

It's her. Behave yourselves.

-I'm the boss' son.
-I can't believe it.

He's your son too, Carlos.

I love you, Kátia. How are you?

So nice to meet you.

She's beautiful.

-Pardon me.
-Make yourselves at home.

-Hi.
-How are you, Ms. Kátia?

How are you? Wow.

-Hi!
-Alice, honey. How are you?

-Are you ready for the interview?
-Of course, darling.

-Carlos, so nice to see you.
-Yeah.

We need to talk about my little raise.

-What a coincidence.
-Yeah. We'll talk about it.

-Come here.
-We'll talk.

-I told you. She's shameless.
-You did.

Come here, honey.

-We're back in 30 seconds, ladies.
-Okay.

-What?
-I forgot my blood pressure medication.

-I have heart problems.
-My mother-in-law does too.

-Really?
-We're going live.

Three, two, one.

Welcome back to Baby's Home.

I hear that your maternity suitcase
is already packed, Alice.

Do you think
we could get the first glimpse?

Of course, darling!

-Listen, I only packed the basics, really.
-Just the basics.

No!

-Ms. Isadir?
-No!

Watch it!

How are you?

I like him.

-Who is that?
-No one. Continue.

Wow! These diapers are huge.

Oh my God, Fátima.

And this…

-I could swear this was edible underwear.
-It is.

No!

Of course not. It's a Hungarian teether.

-My God!
-To help with his teething.

What a sin.

-The priest shouldn't be there.
-True.

-No! That's enough.
-Help!

Calm down. Not that.

No one touches it. No one touches Kátia.

No one touches Kátia!

Oh, I get it. She's a fan!

How cute!

Leave her.

No, honey. I'm talking about that Kátia.

But you're not so different.
You're both 70% silicone.

What are you doing here, Ms. Isadir?

We're live. Get out!

We're live?

My God!

Which camera? I wanna shout out…

I'll talk to you because I like you.

I'd like to send a message
to the Carmela Dutra class of '68.

No one. Don't worry.

Hi to all my student teachers.

Those still living. 14 of them died.

They say the TV is deceiving.

It makes you look a lot older.

It's your old TV
that makes everyone look old.

I don't feel good.

My blood pressure!

-Her pressure's dropping!
-Cut!

-I'll grab some salt! She needs salt!
-Go! Run!

Oh no, Ms. Isadir!

You k*lled Kátia!

Now what? She was going
to present a frozen tart recipe tomorrow.

That tart out there will be frozen
if you don't give me salt.

-Ms. Isadir!
-Here's the salt.

You'd better take sea salt
to detoxify in case it doesn't work,

because she might be a goner.

She's well on her way.

-Hurry!
-It's okay.

What the…? Excuse me.
What's going on, Mom?

The station just called
to tell me Kátia died!

I'm not sure if she's dead,
but she's definitely seeing the light.

Oh my God, Mom.

-Salt.
-Mom!

Oh my God. My God, could it be?

Wow, my neck hurts.

-What is it?
-I have high blood pressure.

-High blood pressure!
-Oh, God!

-High blood pressure!
-Get the salt out!

Get it out! Oh my God, she's going to die!

Good lord.

Ms. Isadir,

I shouldn't have sent you to Maranhão.

I should have sent you to hell--

Helen Beach! Right, honey?

We're live. She didn't mean it.

But I said cut! I said cut!

Where's my medication? Producers?

If they don't get it, no problem.
I have some.

It's in here.

Right here. Take it.

The priest?

Do you think prayer
will lower my blood pressure?

No, he's just palliative.
Capoten is the real miracle worker.

Take some. I have plenty.

Take it. Hurry.

Please take it.

Take one for your pressure,
then one for your stomach.

This one here…

Look, another one for your liver.

The best for high blood pressure.

You could have that too.

Oh my God.

Not now, you cow.

What was that?

Good thing we're live
to see how this mother-in-law acts.

Calling her a cow!
Are you all watching this?

Speaking of, next week

we'll show you a recipe for beef stew.

I'll send you the recipe
to keep up the theme.

Cut! Please.

Look, Ms. Isadir.

Once again,
you're trying to ruin my reputation!

Don't worry about that, Mom.

I don't know who she is.

What?

No one watches TV. It's all streaming.

Look, your interview
is up on the internet.

"Alice the lawyer. A woman with a vibe."

I'm sorry about this, darling.

No need to apologize.

It's fine. Look.

This is our biggest audience in years.

It's huge.

-You're right.
-Look.

They love you, Alice.

In the Cachambi widows' group
they're saying you're rich,

but that you went on TV
with a generic suitcase.

It's a sign of humility.

All right.

Don't tell me

you switched out my luxury bag

for a cheap knock-off.

No, Alice. It wasn't that cheap.

Nope. It cost $80.

-Speaking of suitcases, where's mine?
-Yeah, where is it?

-I'll get it.
-We didn't get the bags!

You did not lose my bag.

-Mom?
-I…

I want my bag right now.

Yikes. I…

My bag.

I can't tell you
exactly where it is right now.

But in ten minutes
it will be landing in Maranhão.

Mom!

Isadir!

Want this?

Because that diet of yours,
that's all grains

grains, grains…

-I f*cked that up.
-You're…

I forgot they're listening.

Carlos, do you remember Cláudia's son?

-Let's pray for Father Fábio.
-Let's.