02x04 - There's Room in the Van

[bunniefuu]

-Oh, Fátima.
-Isadir, what happened?

Seriously.

Goddammit, Fátima!

Oh my God!

It burns!

-And my bracelet broke.
-I did what I could.

And you say I'm unkind.

You really went to town with the waxing.
I'm burning all over!

-Jeez!
-I'll have to go commando.

SMOTHER-IN-LAW

I hope I don't get an infection.

Isadir, I really admire your attitude.

Organizing this trip to Tiradentes.

Thinking of the old ladies in Cachambi.

THERE'S ROOM IN THE VAN

I'm not. I'm thinking about
how my pension can't pay for a trip.

Seriously.

Think about it. We could be
in Maranhão, all expenses paid.

-But Carlos called it off.
-But I didn't.

That's why I invited the old ladies,
so they can bankroll it.

Seriously. I can't wait, Fátima.

I can't wait to go on this trip,

Go hiking with some local guys.

Good one!

You? Healthy enough to hike?

Not for hiking,
but I'll make an effort for some locals.

What if one of the ladies backs out?

Legally, we have to refund them.

They can't read the fine print.

-Isadir…
-It's no big deal.

I'll just lie.

Listen, Fátima.
Let me give you some life advice.

-What?
-There are three things we must remember.

-One, never return money.
-Never.

Two, never return Tupperware with a lid.

No, never. What's the third?

Three, never answer dumb questions.

You really are rude! Let's go.

Let's see if I can get to the kitchen.

-Hurry!
-My thighs burn!

Why are you walking like that?

I need to give my groin a salve bath.

-Go. Jesus Christ.
-Please, Fátima.

Everything burns!

You should have told me
you don't know how to wax.

Let me just take some snacks.

-Here's some cheese.
-That's enough now.

I just need some bread.

-My God.
-Look.

She can't eat this. It has gluten.

I'll take some butter, because it's fat.

Fat is bad for the baby.

All done.

-I'll take this.
-Yakult?

This trip is all old people.

The probiotics will be
the only living thing.

You love to tease, don't you?

I don't know what you did to me.

I think the wax still had bees in it.
They're stinging me.

Calm down, baby! Calm down!

Don't do that! Calm down.

-Where is the pie I ordered?
-Tell her, Mom.

There's aluminum foil in your purse.

That's for me to cover the toilet seat,
so I don't get an infection.

I've never stolen food from you, I don't--

Then what's this butter?

I was hiding it from the ants.

As long as you don't touch my pie.

Mom, you can touch my wallet,
but don't touch Alice's pie.

Okay? Marinez!

She's not here, Mr. Carlos!

Show some respect, girl!

By the way, I made breakfast
for my date this morning.

What, did you beat his eggs?

Did you have to say that, Mom?

It's not Christmas,
but I'm already jingling ba*ls.

Have some shame, Márcia!

h*-h*-h*, right?

Leave her alone. She's just being silly.

What's the problem.
Morning sex is great to break the fast.

All right, Mom.

What…

-What are you doing?
-Relax.

Oh, God. It itches.

What is this? Do you need to pee?

I had to do some remodeling on Lady Laura,

and then…

Oh, the toilet is clogged, by the way.

I told you not to put paper in there!

-She told you!
-It wasn't paper.

It was pubic hair.

I'm going to my room.
Only disturb me if my German pie arrives.

Go ahead, honey.

You already know, Mom… Are you smoking?

Listen to me, Mom.

You know she's sensitive. She's pregnant!

So she's been pregnant for 42 years, then.

-She's always sensitive.
-Stop it, Mom.

Go to hell.

Márcia, let Grandma ask you a question.

Do you want to come on this trip with us?

I don't think I have time, Grandma.

Neither do they.

Someone is definitely
having a seizure on this trip.

They'll need assistance.

Come! It's good training
for being a doctor.

For being a doctor. I'll think about it.

I have to get back to my guy.
He needs 10ml of kisses, stat.

Okay, go ahead.

She's just like me.

Fátima, this is really bothering me.

Don't you have some cream for down there?

-Come on.
-You're in luck.

-I always carry diaper rash cream.
-Give it here.

-Give it to me.
-I'll put it on.

You're covered in blisters!
I have to use it all.

Hang on!

Oh, Fátima!

Oh, Fátima!

Is that better?

I think I'm allergic to that.
Do you have any acne cream?

Hey, look at this!

-What?
-Flavinho is calling.

Hi, Flavinho!

Good God! The old ladies are here.

There are so many silver heads here,
it's like hair bleach was on sale.

If the cops stop us,
we'll get arrested for trafficking powder.

Why?

What do you mean, why?

Think about it,
rice flour to powder their faces,

corn starch for their chilblains
and baby powder for rashes.

That's trafficking!

Oh, my phone died.

At least it's your phone.
I almost died once.

To come back I had
to do acupuncture, chromotherapy,

and ended up reading tarot cards.

Let's go!

Pay attention! Read my lips!

-Okay! Read it already!
-Okay!

Next number! It's my lucky number, 24.

Oh, 24.

Bingo!

-Bingo!
-Bingo!

-Done. She won.
-No way.

-Let's go, ladies!
-Hi!

Let's do a roll call. I have you in order.

Alphabetically?

No, by number of surgeries.

We'll start with you
and your near-death experience.

Hallelujah, ladies!

Cezinha went to check out the van.

We were alone, so we played bingo.

-With my beans? They're expensive.
-So what?

Calm down.
Old ladies love bingo and drugstore deals.

Let me get the door.

-It will be fine.
-Relax.

-Hi, Davi.
-Hi!

Sorry I'm late, baby.
I had to fix the van.

And I need to fix my taste in men.

Isadir, who is this handsome man?

-He's my lucky number.
-Your number is 911.

You'll need it if you mess with my man.

I'm Davi, the driver.

Nice to meet you. I'm charmed.

Nice to meet you. I'm aroused.

Heartthrob!

Davi is a heartthrob!

-Heartthrob!
-His heart barely works.

Listen, honey.

Don't get excited.
He takes a while to get jumpstarted.

You'll be left high and dry.

-I miss Navalha.
-Isadir.

He was in prison, but his libido was free.

Isadir, forget about that guy.

Did you hear?
An old woman went missing in Grajaú.

She went shopping and never come back.

It's never the ones you want
to disappear. Right, Mirtes?

-Let's play bingo!
-Bingo!

-Let's do it.
-It's 69.

-It's 69. I love that position.

Bingo!

-She got bingo!
-I won!

High five!

-What's my prize?
-Here, let me give it to you.

A clip. Get a grip.

-A grip.
-Trying to mess with my head.

Wait. I'm feeling dizzy.

It's because I knock you
off your feet, huh?

Sit down.

I'm hungover and I didn't eat anything.

I'm proof of that.

Do you want a little anti-nausea pill?

Give me one too.

Your face makes me sick.

I don't think I can drive, Isadir.

I'll drive.

Let's go see
the natural wonders of Tiradentes!

-Let's go, old ladies!
-First, I need the bathroom!

Here! Form a line!

Unbelievable. She's like a leak.

Always at someone's house,
and the only way to fix it is to break it.

Speaking of which, look at this.

My wall is stained
from your unfinished work.

Look into it.

I have. Every time I look
in the mirror, I see this unfinished work.

Then I ask, "God! Would it
have hurt to give me bigger boobs?"

It wouldn't have cost him anything.

But for me, it'll cost $8,750 each.

Listen to me.

The battery is dead. There's no lubricant.

I can't even jump start it.

I'm not getting in that van.

I'm talking about Flavinho.

The van is great.
It's my relationship that's bunk.

Careful, Cézar.

Your mom left
that garage unused for so long,

now it's just a showroom.

Let's go.

Go on.

-Go on, Auntie.
-Go, Isadir.

Campo Grande, Caxias, Tiradentes!

Let's go, girls!
I've always wanted to say that.

Lend us a hand, Davi.

Are you a nurse? Is this an ambulance now?

Are you going to Tiradentes Plaza?

-What are you talking about?
-Let me through!

-What are you doing?
-She pushed me.

You know what this is like?

When you used to take
your students to the museum.

Now I'm taking the museums out.

Let's go. One, two, three.

An elephant can be very annoying

Fatphobia is even more so

This is making me have to pee.
Are you stopping soon?

-I'll stop to slap you in the face!
-So aggressive.

You need to go, baby?

Baby? Are you gonna change her diaper?

Hey! The cops!

-The cops!
-The cops!

Oh my God, the cops.

Fátima, pass me that thing.

What thing?

My expired driver's license.

Why didn't you tell me?

I had so much to tell you, Davi.

Not right now! What do we do?

Where's my driver's license?

-Oh, that's just great!
-Fátima.

-Do me a favor?
-What?

Get my proof of residence and checks.

-Why?
-So I can get a new credit card.

So I can prove I'm a decent woman!
Pass my lipstick.

-So you can hit on the cops?
-No, I want to look good in my mug shot.

Last time, I didn't have makeup on.

This isn't the time, Isadir! Good God!

-What do we do?
-What do we do?

Let's pray, everyone!

Tell them to shut up! Don't freak out!

Shut up!

POLICE

Good afternoon, ma'am. ID, please.

This is a sandwich I made this morning.

ID, please.

We're screwed.

Help me choose a picture.

I took 78 glamour shots.

-Look how nice this one is.
-ID, ma'am.

He really wants my ID. sh*t.

Here's my ID.

Let me put on lipstick.
Stop being jealous.

Retired teacher?

Ms. Isadir, your license is expired.

My bills are too.

Wait a second.

I had a teacher with that name.

Isadir… Maciel…

Gustavo Maciel, Bianca's brother.

Freshman year, Our Lady of Peace.

That's me. Wasn't it Learning Center?

The school was called Learning Center.

I would say "Our Lady of Peace"
before I went into class.

I'd say,
"Our Lady of Peace, these devils…"

No, you were the only angel in that class.

An angel.

It's you. Ms. Isadir, Strawberry Teeth!

It's you!

Why "Strawberry Teeth?"

-Oh my God.
-I can't wash the dishes today.

I bet. Your belly must be heavy.

That and the fact
that my grandma disappeared.

My God, it's true. Alice told me.

On her way to the store, right?

By the way, Alice is driving me crazy

with this German pie thing.

If it were me,
I'd go crazy for my grandma's German pie.

They say pregnancy makes women crazy.

But it's not just women.
It makes the whole house crazy.

Tell me about it, Mr. Carlos!

-Yeah?
-Really!

I'm really having a hard time.

But don't worry, baby.

-I'll take care of you.
-Thanks, baby.

-Take care of her.
-Carlos! My pie!

See what I'm saying?

I'm screwed.

Who would have thought, Isadir?

Getting out of a ticket
thanks to an ex-student.

He would never give me a fine.

I always gave him extra points
to help that idiot pass his classes.

Bullying me. I never.

"Strawberry Teeth," Fátima?

I hate bullying.

Miss Pissy Mirtes.

-Miss Pissy Mirtes!
-Miss Pissy Mirtes!

What is this? Stop!

I mean really!

Isadir, that student of yours
was handsome, huh?

Did he get good grades?

He always fought and cheated.
He loved colors.

He always had black eyes, red ink
on his papers, and yellow teeth.

Speaking of colors, yours is back.

Are you feeling better, Davi?

Thanks for asking. I'm better now.

How cute. What an adorable couple.

You're a match, huh?

I'll hit the like button.

Excuse me. Hey, Lurdes, this is just
a pit stop to get some water and to pee.

But why are we at Carlos' house?

The bidet at your house
isn't strong enough to get me off.

-Was that the doorbell?
-Yeah.

She didn't hear it. I'll get it.

If one of you goes,
it'll take 30 minutes to reach the door.

-Go.
-Ridiculous.

Ridiculous! You get old, you get weak.

You have to be ready, Goddammit.

If you have no body awareness,

go to Pilates.

Go do some yoga.

Hello. Are you Ms. Alice?

That depends. Is this paid for?

-It is, ma'am.
-Nice to meet you. I'm Alice.

Good afternoon. Would you like some tea?

-No, thank you.
-It's mint.

I just can't resist a pie.

I love sweets.

You and Davi are leaving a bitter taste
in my mouth. Did you know that?

Don't push me, Mirtes.

I have no problem
throwing this pie in your face.

-How rude!
-Come on. Get some water.

Let's get water.

Don't touch anything! Just look!

-She was hitting on Davi!
-I saw that.

I don't hit on other peoples' men,
so don't mess with mine.

So rude.

Seriously.

Let's go, Fátima. Grab some plates.

-Give them pie.
-Are you sure?

Why not?

If the universe gives you lemons,
squeeze them in warm water

and lose some weight.

But if it gives you pie,

screw your diet, eat some chocolate.

-I love pie.
-My God.

But I'm lactose intolerant,

so it makes me feel weird.

Don't blame the lactose.
You were always weird.

Sorry to interrupt you
while you're eating,

but please give a contribution.

You're charging for the pie?

No, I'm suggesting they donate
to help me rebuild my Lady Laura.

For new underwear?

Yeah, cotton ones
so I don't get itchy after what you did.

-Mirtes, it's 20 bucks for you.
-Why is it more expensive?

Just because. Don't complain.

Hey! What is this, Mom?

What is happening? What is this?

Is this an Elvis Presley fan club?

No, Carlos. We're on a tour.

It's very popular and normal.

There are departure, arrival,
and lunch times. So they're eating.

They're not just eating.
They're eating Alice's pie.

-Oh! I need the bathroom!
-Follow me!

How could you do this?

That's Alice's pie!

She's going to freak out, Mom!

-Carlos.
-What, Mom?

-You're so dramatic.
-I'm not being dramatic!

-Such drama.
-What are you talking about?

Ladies, what is going on?

-They're lactose intolerant.
-Oh, come on.

Give me that. Jesus Christ!

Mom, listen to me.

Grab these ladies and get out of here!

-No?
-I'll get out.

I'll get out of here
and you'll never find me,

like shrimp in Fátima's stroganoff.

You guys!

-The toilet is clogged!
-Oh, no!

-It won't flush!
-Oh, no!

Won't flush?

You're such a cow.

I have to… Come on, Fátima.

We need drain cleaner,
a plunger, wire, and a bucket.

And you say my toilet sucks.

It must be nice to be pregnant and rich.

You just sit here by the pool,
ordering people around.

I wouldn't know, babe.

I've never been pregnant or rich.

Get used to it, honey.

You're more likely
to get pregnant than rich.

-Come on.
-Don't get me in trouble.

My boss, Alice,
is upstairs getting her beauty rest,

because rich people's lives are peaceful.

-My pie!
-Yikes.

-What the hell?
-I'll ask Flavinho to call a plumber.

Do that.

Relax. It's okay.

Alice looks really happy.

-I dropped some!
-Oh my God. The couch.

The couch!

My pie!

Calm down, baby. Hey, relax.

You can't stress out.
You can't get agitated.

Mom is getting everyone out of here.
Right, Mom?

Not before Mirtes
cleans up and unclogs the toilet.

I've already
unclogged the toilet this week!

I need some air.

When I get back, I don't want them,
which is you, eating my pie,

sitting on my couch,
and least of all, clogging my toilet!

Jesus.

God!

-Carlos!
-Calm down, baby. I'm coming.

Márcia, the toilet overflowed.

-Be careful not to get sick.
-No one walk here!

I can't take any more patients.

He's got a bad case of "leptospilove."

He's hot, he's tired,
his muscles are like…

You know? He needs me.

I'll give him his medicine in the kitchen.

Flavinho!

Attention, old ladies from Cachambi.

I got a hold of my ex.

He's a plumber, a bear, and hot.

And now he's here with us. He's a plumber.

My grandson is a drummer too!

No, Lurdes. It's plumber, not drummer.

-A plumber?
-Flavinho brought us a plumber.

But why? I was a firefighter.

I know how to lay pipe. We get each other.

-Let's go, Sanderson.
-Go.

Let's handle some pipes.

Who is that?

-Let me help you.
-Who is that?

Grandma!

-Yes?
-Yes?

Sorry, it's my grandma. Thank God!

-Honey, what--
-What are you doing here?

-She was sleeping in my bed.
-My God.

What's all the fuss about?

I just went to the store,
then I jumped in the first van I saw.

Why did you take a van?
There's a store next to your house.

To get some sleep.

I slept on a bus to Campo Grande and back,

then finished here.

It's crazy at home.

I'm starting to understand Ms. Idalina.

Also, get this!

She just gave me a great idea.

I'll sleep in the car!

I'm going to try to calm her down.
I'll be back soon.

I'll fix this to make you happy.

-Isadir?
-What?

This trip is a fiasco.
What are we going to do?

We promised them entertainment.
Let's do it.

Flavinho!

Yeah? Stop.

Can you…

Can you share your plumber,
and ask him to play with his pipe in here?

-Would you?
-Can you take your shirt off for us?

I'm getting up close!

He's so hairy, Fátima!

Good thing I waxed my Lady Di, huh?

-Isn't it Lady Laura?
-Lady Di is better.

Here's the princess and the crown.

Take off your shorts!

-Do you have to pee?
-Oh, no.

Never, right? How crazy.

Tell me about it! I'm really--

f*ck, let me do that again.

I'm going to my room, okay?

I'm going to my room for a breather.

Look, Carlos, I think your…

I think…

Thank you!

Thank you!