02x10 - São Paulo, Here We Come

[bunniefuu]

Hi. Excuse me.

-You are?
-Luís Claudio.

-Hi, Luís Claudio.
-Hi.

I'm here to grab the antique.

Oh, Fátima.

Carlos told me
he got me an early birthday present.

I'm the antique. Grab away.

SMOTHER-IN-LAW

I'm talking about these antique items.
I'm with the movers.

-Movers. What movers?
-Movers?

SÃO PAULO, HERE WE COME

What movers? I'm talking to you.

Go to hell, rude guy.

Who's moving?

Mr. Carlos got promoted

and he's moving the family to São Paulo.

What? Who have they told?

Very few people. It's on the low.

Me, Ms. Alice, Márcia, Jonas,

Kelly, Aloísio,

the doorman, Vanderlei,

Sônia Abrão, the neighbors, Fátima.

-Fátima?
-Cezinha.

Flavinho.

Very few people.

Ms. Alice is worried
about people being jealous.

You know?

Me? Jealous?

I didn't say who.

Honey, I'm a retired professor.

Honey, I have
my own apartment in Cachambi.

I only have 28 more payments to make.

I live in front of the hospital, honey.

It's great that you appreciate
your origins.

Beautiful.

f*ck off, traitor.

Listen, Fátima.

I am jealous.

But if that b*tch Alice thinks

I'm going to São Paulo unprepared,
she's wrong.

I'm going to shave my whole city park.

No question.

I'll make an appointment
at Cachamhair, you'll see.

But first, Carlos…

-Look!
-Wow, look here!

Isadir, you said
you were done with Navalha.

No, Navalha. Honestly…

We were only ever in contact
online in prison, you know?

I'd like to have some physical contact.

We just hooked up through the app Gatr.

No, it's Grindr.

Cezinha's on it.

No, It's Gatr.
For dating behind the prison gates.

But I won't pursue it.

Yes, because he's a criminal.

No, because he's a Leo. How awful.

-Ms. Isadir!
-Yes?

Guess who's here,
and wants to talk to you?

Who?

Mr. Davi!

My God, Davi!

I knew I was forgetting something.

I thought it was my angina medicine.

It was Davi.
I put both on my tongue anyway.

My God, Fátima.

-Let him in, Marinez.
-What's the magic word?

Get out of my way. Go to hell.

-Hi, Isadir.
-Hi, how are you?

I really need to talk to you. I'm tired
of being like a cotton swab to you.

Don't use novella clichés
with me. Please, Davi.

At least a cotton swab cleans up.

Look, I finally found someone
who appreciates me.

-You found someone?
-Yes.

-Let's be lovers.
-What?

Please. Then I don't have
to buy you Valentine's Day gifts.

The lines are awful.

Kiss me with anger!

Isadir! I'm not a piece of meat!

I want someone who notices my haircut,
who wants to cuddle.

Not like you,
who turns over after sex and snores.

Goodbye, okay?

-It was good while it lasted.
-Lasted?

-Stop!
-I never heard that word.

It was more like "already?"

Please, Davi.

Seriously.

If you go, I won't be able to breathe.

Am I that important to you?

No, but you were
my Sorine connection at the pharmacy.

Stop it, Isadir.

Relax, Davi.

Davi, Lady Laura. Here, Davi!

No, Davi!

No, Davi!

What's going on? Wow!

The last time I saw Isadir cry over a man

was when Jurandir closed his bar.

I only forgot him after I met Zé.

-Who's Zé?
-Zé Delivery.

Hi, Mom.

Mom, we need to talk.

-I agree. Let's talk.
-No.

But first I need bubble wrap.

But we came home to talk to you.

-I want to wrap my filter.
-She's twisting things around on us.

-What filter?
-There's only one thing in Rio I'll miss.

My doctor, Dr. Hélio.

-Dr. Hélio?
-He knew all about my kidney stones.

I think at a certain age,

we need to breathe fresh air.

Oh, you'll breathe air.

The air in São Paulo
is like our friendship, totally toxic.

-Who said you were coming?
-Yeah, Mom?

It's just our family.

No relatives.

I see you think you're relatively safe.

-She can't talk to me like that.
-Okay. Don't do that.

-Your own mother!
-Don't!

-She's not well!
-What, Carlos?

Your mother, daughter
of your grandma, your aunt's sister.

Cousin of Regina Casé's doorman!

That's great, right? Your family is huge.

Everyone will visit you.

And another thing.

Your apartment is almost ready.
You can go back.

Oh, so you've…

-You've deciding…
-I'm not--

You've reached the final decision

that I'm not going to São Paulo.

But we agreed, just the family. Right?

-Exactly.
-What about Noah?

Don't worry. My mom is there.

She loves her grandson.

Look!

Speaking of her.

-It's her?
-Her instincts are blooming.

She sent a message.

Alice, I'm not babysitting your kid.

I'm 60. The only baby
I'm caring for is your father.

He's coddled, and he wears diapers.

She says that, but she's a softie.

At her age, her whole body is soft.

Hold on. You're the same age as her.

-But I do yoga.
-You do what?

Mom, look.

São Paulo is close.
You can visit every year.

Yes, of course.

-Every leap year.
-Stop.

I only have one thing to say.

I'm telling you,
this whole moving thing sucks.

I'm not trading
Barra da Tijuca for Barra Fundo. Period.

Think about it. You can change your mind.

I'm not moving. My life is here.

You don't drink,
you don't have sex, you don't have orgies.

What kind of life is that, Jonas?

-What the hell?
-Alice, I'm doing a little shopping.

Hello, my love!

I'm shopping in your pantry.

Can I take your frying pan
to make my sweetie his eggs?

It's nonstick!

Dude, listen.

I'm so excited to move to SP, man.

I talked to Pe, and to Ness.

I love entrepreneurs.

There, even the guys
with small companies have big firms.

Marinez.

What? Me?

I need to let you know
that there is no way

I'm moving there.

My life is here. My family's here.

I'll pay you double.

We can't stand each other.
We always fight.

Great, Marinez.

You two can room with the baby.

I'm not going!

-Calm down.
-I'm not going.

What the hell?

I already told you,
I'm not moving to São Paulo.

I hate the cold
and that gray, starless sky!

She's paying us double.

Nothing a sweater can't fix, right?

Ms. Alice is an amazing woman.
She's here in my heart.

It's great.

I can get far away from that Cougar.

-What?
-What the hell, Aloísio?

I'm talking about Rio's famous thief.

The radio just said
that she escaped prison again.

-I'm out.
-God. If I see that Cougar, I'm running.

You liar. Remember the sauna?

-A sauna?
-What? No.

-Fátima and I were in a sauna down south.
-What?

She said I was a hot cougar.

-Pervert!
-You liar! What the hell?

The phone.

I'd had a lot to drink.

It wasn't like that.

For Christ's sake, Isadir.

You're such a blabbermouth.

Hi, Navalha.

No, it's not because you put your petition
in my habeas corpus that I'm doing this.

I'm not interested in you.
You're a criminal.

Good job. That's right.

What?

You're the boss of the hill.

-Wake up.
-Chill out, Fátima.

Send me the address of Paradise.

Isadir, you said
you were done with criminals.

He's the boss of the hill, honey.

Okay?

By which I mean,
he's an entrepreneur of illicit materials.

Cougar's hill?

COUGAR'S HILL

It's dangerous now that she's out.

Navalha is stringing you along.

Only you would agree
to marry him over WhatsApp.

Marriage?

No, he just sent me a heart emoji.

But it's basically the same thing.

He didn't forget. He's just busy working.

Oh, Fátima.

I also sent him a gift to remember me by.

-Something intense.
-A sleeping pill?

Coffee. It was pot that got us together.

Who's the b*tch that's after my man?

Hey! You should get out of here.

Cougar is after you.

-Oh my God!
-Cougar is Navalha's wife?

She'll k*ll you!

God, it gets worse.

I left a note on his shack,
scheduling another date.

-Where?
-The only place I could.

A nursing home.

You told him to come here?
What about the nursing home?

Do you think
you look like Larissa Manoela?

Are you gonna have sex on my couch?

-Your stuff is on it.
-No.

I'm horny, but I have scoliosis.

This isn't a motel.

Help me out, Fátima!

I spent all my money
this month on group therapy.

In the moneybox!

Are you really pursuing this?

He's coming after me.
I gave him Carlos' address.

There's a party for Carlos,
but I'm the one getting a raise.

NAVALHA GOOD MORNING
MEET ME AT CARLOS' HOUSE

Isadir. That's dangerous.

Honey, dangerous
is the most exciting word I've ever heard.

-Fine. Go.
-I'm going.

-I'm going, traitor.
-Me?

-You're a f*cking traitor!
-You are!

Hail Mary, full of grace.

Don't let any criminals
come into my house.

Help me, Mother of God--

Isadir!

This is the last time
you make trouble for me.

Anyone else?

Make yourselves at home. Come in.

Cougar!

Oh, you know my name?

I guessed.

-I came to leave this note.
-Thank you.

And return this coffee
that you, you sl*t, left for my man!

-No.
-Are you riding my man, Isadir?

Jesus Christ, I've been riding
in priority seating for 15 years.

I'm not Isadir. Here's my ID to prove it.

Where is the sl*t?

Cezinha is working. Will I do?

Cougar! I can't believe it!

I'm a fan! Take a selfie with me?

-Please!
-Why would I do that?

Look, I fixed my teeth. Big smile.

We look like a rainbow!

Are they good?

-Let me see.
-Look at this one.

-Tag me.
-Can you tag my dentist?

-Enough!
-Jesus!

-Do you think I'm dumb?
-No.

If you two don't give me Isadir's address,

I'll ask Roll-on and Hairy to…

-I would never rat on my best friend.
-Never.

Are you sure?

Avenida das Américas, 3500.

Luz da Barra condos. House 3.

It's in front of a diner.
Bus 754 stops right in front.

Look at you in your leopard clothes.

I'm bringing out my inner kitty.

Ms. Isadir,

you said you were
grabbing something and going.

What's this?

Why don't you shut up?

Go take care of your son, Marinez.

Hold him while you can.

I'll take care of my own.

If you think that I'll leave Noah with you

so I can be with my son,

you're totally right.

I miss him so much.

-Excuse me. Bye.
-Go on. Bye.

Go to hell.

She's so annoying.

Now I'm alone.

I can welcome Navalha.

-I'm ready.
-Come on.

Did you get soap?

-I got it.
-Jonas!

Jonas, wait.

What are you doing in this house?

You didn't go to your dad's party?

I was feeling homesick.

Okay, you can go now.

I missed my air conditioner.
I came to say bye.

I missed Victoria.

Victoria's Secret. Alice's moisturizer.

I put some in here.

-You can give this to her.
-Okay, thanks.

Who's here so late?

-How rude.
-Who? The packers.

Packers? Everything's packed.

Go on.

-That's crazy.
-Be careful on the roads.

-Be safe.
-Bye.

-Go.
-Let's go.

-Thanks for helping.
-Let him in.

Let the packer in.

Finally!

My penitentiary princess!

What a big house!

Here? Wow.

-I've got some lube.
-Wow, what a woman!

-Wait!
-What?

What's that?

-Someone's here.
-Wait.

-Go.
-What's wrong?

Go. I'm horny.

Ever since prison,
I love having sex in tight spaces.

Stay. So many questions.

I don't believe this.

What are you doing here?

I came to get my gas canister cover.

Why are you in your PJs?

I'm going through a lot.
I can't afford the bus.

So I had to persuade the bus driver.

What the hell, Mom?

Why isn't Marinez watching Noah?

She's replacing a c*ck… a socket.

-What's that sound?
-She's in the bathroom.

-You're very agitated.
-It's my IUD.

Oh, okay.

-Why--
-I'm still fertile!

If Cláudia Raia can, so can I.

-Come on.
-Isadir.

Be quiet, babe.

Come here. We need to talk.

-Yes?
-Are you f*cking with me?

I'm trying to, but it's not working.

-Alice! Let's go!
-Hide!

Oh my God.

-It's unbelievable.
-What is?

What is? Jesus Christ, Alice.

-Come on.
-You come here…

I can't believe her, Mom.

We come home to change.

We get to the room,
and she doesn't change.

Carlos, I couldn't find a new dress.

I'm going to tell you
something I couldn't before.

-I'll tell you.
-Yes?

Keep this in mind, honey. You're unique.

Do you really think so?

You have a uniquely disgusted face.

-Okay?
-Be good, okay?

Isadir, you lied to me.

This isn't your house.

Then we're even. You lied too.

You said you were the boss,
but you're married to the boss, Cougar.

Who is that?

My God. Hide!

-Isadir, for Christ's sake.
-Oh my God, Isadir!

Cougar is coming for your a*s!

-Wow!
-Be careful!

-This is too much.
-This is Navalha.

Nice to meet you.

-Are you sleeping with my wife?
-No, she's coming to beat my a*s.

Everyone relax!

It's her! She'll cut my d*ck off.

I didn't even use it.

-Come on. Stay calm.
-Oh my God.

I was going
to request calm but never mind.

How did she know?

Did you…? Did you give her my address?

I would never do that.

I gave her Carlos' address. Not yours.

I'm not going to fight with you.

I'll improvise. Go away, Navalha.

-Trust me, okay? Let's go.
-I have to hide. She saw me too.

So go away!

Oh my God. Help me, Isadir.

-What do I do?
-Act straight.

-Definitely.
-Act straight.

What's up?

You good?

Tone it down.

Are you Isadir?

I'm Donatella Versace,

and this is my husband,

Pablo Picasso.

Do you think I'm stupid?

Your friend gave me your address.

That woman is not my friend.
She's my husband's mother.

And she's also a b*tch.

She's my mother-in-law,

and she hates
that we have a very intense sex life.

-I recognize your husband.
-No, I don't know you.

I don't know you, honey. I mean, babe.

Who's crying?

That crying…

-That's our baby, Carlito.
-Our baby.

I always wanted to be a mom.

I mean a dad. But I really like moms.

-Poor baby!
-I know that drunken cough.

Roll-on, Hairy.

Search.

Hey, boss.

Peek-a-boo!

-Peek-a-boo!
-Oh my God.

Well, Navalha.

Well, Fátima.

-I can explain!
-I can explain!

I thought I was about to die!

You can k*ll her. k*ll that traitor.

Sit down.

Sit down, b*tch.

You sit down, too.

Okay, I'll sit.

I won't tear this room apart,
out of respect for the baby.

-Thank you.
-Write that down.

Donation to Criança Esperança. Okay?

I'll give you one day
to leave Rio de Janeiro,

or I'll make you disappear.

Get up, Navalha.

I'll give you a taste
of what I'm capable of.

I can't take another minute
of "Baby Shark." She left it on auto-play.

-God.
-I'll use my tongue.

Turn it off.

Did you hear
Edu Guimarães say he hates Rio?

I wish I had.

You were at the movies. You wanted…

Oh my God!

Wow, what amazing rope work!

-What the hell?
-Can I untie you?

-Isadir first.
-I've got this.

I dated a magician.

He taught me tricks and knots.
I swallowed a sword.

Amazing.

Where's my son?

-Your son?
-My son.

He's in that stroller.

-I couldn't move.
-He's here.

See if he's okay.

-He's great.
-Mom is irresponsible.

-Carlos.
-What?

My back is so stiff.
I spent too much time sitting.

-I can explain.
-Go ahead, Mom.

Good thing Carlos
was transferred to São Paulo.

I bet she's making a scene
to make you stay.

She treats you like a baby.

-Wait. No she doesn't.
-She does!

I…

I…

Mom, Kelly broke up with me.

-Are you crying?
-Here.

My God!

Oh my God.

My sweet boy.

Finally, some good news.

Let's go to São Paulo.
Mommy set up your room.

It was so sudden.

Oh my God, huh?

Listen to me.

I'm getting my car and leaving.

What's on your face?

I'll drive.

-What?
-You act like I can't drive.

-For Christ's sake, Carlos.
-Jesus.

And stop crying, boy!

What? Men can't cry, Dad?

Men can't cry?

Oh, Fátima.

Looking at this empty house,

a whole movie plays in my head.

Of your life, right?

Harry Potter, when they kick him out.

You'd better use your wand.

We have to be gone tomorrow
or Cougar will k*ll us.

Are you sure
people wear this in São Paulo?

It looks like a life jacket.

That's what it is.

At your age, a cold would k*ll you.

-I'm saving your life.
-Oh, stop it.

Is that Cezinha?

It is Cezinha!

People, we're here!

You're not working?

-I got sick of seeing horses.
-Horses.

I even have an accent now.

-No way. Prove it.
-Hey, dude.

-Let's take a picture.
-A selfie.

-Let's do it.
-Come on.

Let's do it.

He likes it.

It's a Boomerang!

It's a Boomerang. Done.

-Let's go.
-Isadir, for the love of God.

Do Carlos and Alice
know about the surprise?

Of course not, Fátima.

If you tell someone about a surprise,
it's not a surprise anymore.

They'll know when he posts the photo.

I'm not dumb.

All my things are new.
The only old thing I'm bringing is you.

-So rude.
-What should I write?

If you're looking for a man…

"If you're…"

…careful, you might
find a cougar in your cooter.

-What hashtag?
-Hashtag São Paulo here we come.

Help me out. I'm stuck.

-Let's go.
-That's better.

I get the window.

No, I bought that seat.

RIO DE JANEIRO TO SÃO PAULO

Seat 23C, by the window.

Are you saying that I, Isadir da Silva,

am not going…

Sir, can you please…

Put this stuff in. The pillow.

Isadir.

Isadir.

Isadir!

We need to leave. We'll miss the bus.

Isadir!

-Put the tag here.
-I can't have sex?

-God!
-Go!

Thank you!