01x03 - I'm the Monsters Mother

[bunniefuu]

[Timothy]
Check how many times
I've been arrested

in the last eight years --
[bleep].

For no [bleep] reason.

[bleep] tried to k*ll me --
'cause all them [bleep]

tried to k*ll me.

They was all trying to k*ll me.

Then I was sh**ting
at everything!

[Jeannette] I said,
"No one's gonna help me.

I'm gonna have to take care
of this myself."

And this is...

I still feel guilty
about this part.

And I pray to God
my son never sees this.

But I was gonna sh**t him
in the back of the head.

I had in my mind, this is
the only way to stop him.

I was gonna take him out to
the woods and I was just gonna

put one in his head and leave,
and I was going to be OK

with going to jail.

I knew it was wrong,

but I had to do it.

[ominous tones play]

-[sirens wailing]
-[newscaster] Cleveland Heights
police officer Jason West

was shot and k*lled while
responding to a street fight.

[newscaster #2]
Police say the sh**ter
is 27-year-old Timothy Halton.

Ooh.

It's chilling.

[exhaling] I was...

oh my goodness.

[sniffles]

Can I have a minute?
Please?

[under breath]
Oh, boy.

[sobbing]

[through sobs] Oh my god.
Oh, my god, why?

Why? Why?

That's what I tried to prevent.

[The Paper Chase's "What's So
Amazing About Grace?" plays]

[static crackling]

[strings continue
playing sinister tune]

-[knock at door]
-[creaking]

-[banging on door]
-[creaking]

-[banging on door]
-[creaking]

[fire crackling]

[banging on door]

[sinister chord strikes]

Timmy was my big, sweet
teddy bear that morphed

into a monster.

I love my son dearly.

But if I would have k*lled him,

Jason West
would still be alive.

I don't know how bad
this is going to sound,

but...

if it were Timmy that
was k*lled,

I would have preferred that.

You did...

what I thought you were going
to do, and I couldn't stop it.

And it's hard.

It's hard to wrap your head
around it because he's still

my baby.
He's still my baby.

And now he's a m*rder*r.

As a parent, you always
blame yourself.

You always question,
"Did I do enough?"

"What could I have
done different?"

I mean, he was just
so adorable.

And those cheeks that he had,
you know, growing up,

those cheeks that everybody
would just squeeze.

I have a lot of
happy memories, I just...

have a lot of sad ones, too.

I had no desire
to have children,

none whatsoever.
It was not in my plans.

I just wanted to go to school.

I didn't tell anybody at first
that I was pregnant.

My mom wanted to know by whom,
and I told her the ordinance

at the church.

And so I had to get married to
save the church embarrassment,

to save me embarrassment.

It was nothing to be
happy about.

The way I looked at
my unborn child is,

how am I gonna love this baby
when I don't want kids?

I'm a kid myself.

But then they put that baby
on my chest, and it just...

I felt the joy
of motherhood then.

I did.
I just instantly loved him.

And I told him,
"I want to protect you...

"and protect you
with everything I can.

Nobody's gonna hurt you.
You're my baby."

[laughing]

Oh my God!

Oh my God.

Oh, look at him --

I felt this love,
and I had never felt before,

and I was so happy
with this part of my life.

I devoted all my time to him.

Married at 16, two kids by 17,
divorced at 18.

I didn't know how to do
this thing.

I didn't know
how to raise children.

They were being raised
along with me.

I just knew I had to love them.
I knew I had to protect them.

I go upstairs,
you know, and check on them,

and he's not in the bed.

I was scared.

I was like, "What happened?"

I ran all over the house
looking for him.

I ran everywhere,
checking the bathrooms.

I had never been so scared
in my life,

because I'm thinking the worst.

And then...

I don't know, an inner voice
said, "Look in the closet."

And I looked.

And I see my clothes
are pulled down.

And then I see his hand
sticking out.

He was all curled up
with the clothes.

He had pulled my clothes down
to make a blanket,

so he was covered up.

And I felt such a relief.

I wake him up,
make sure he's OK.

And I'm trying to talk to him,
and it's like

he's looking past me.

I'm like, "What is
wrong with him?"

I don't know
how to explain it,

but I had the weirdest feeling.

Eventually, it just
became a every-night thing.

I would see him walking
down the hallway,

and I would follow him,
and I would talk to him.

He wouldn't say anything.

And his face,
it was just a blank stare,

just a blank stare.

And it made me question --
is there a demon in there?

You know, I know
there's God, and I know

there's the devil as well.

I was terrified.

One day, I smell something
really foul,

and I'm looking around,
looking around.

Finally, I check under the bed,
and it's just a shoe box,

and the smell is stronger.

And I open up the shoe box.

[ominous tones playing]

And there's a bird inside,
dead, cut open.

Oh.

[Jeannette] It disgusted me.
That disgusted me.

It really freaked me out,
because it's like,

why is there
a dead bird in a box

with a knife
under my son's bed?

What is he doing?

And so finally, I called him in,

and I asked him,
"What is this?"

And he didn't answer me
at first.

And I said, "Timmy, this bird
is dead and cut open."

I said, "Did you do this?"

And he said,
"Yes, I did it.

I was just putting it out
of its misery."

I just did not want to think
that my son could be cruel.

I was totally freaked out
because this is not normal.

I don't know what it is,
but it's not normal.

It kept happening.
It kept happening.

So, of course, I'm like,

"Oh, this is bigger
than I thought."

And I did not have
a clue of what to do,

and I was frightened.

I just knew something
was wrong with my son.

Because I had heard that,
like, psychopaths,

they start off by
k*lling animals.

I never asked if
he regretted it or felt bad.

I was really scared
to talk about it with him.

I was afraid.

I didn't want to hear
what the answer

was really gonna be.

But I didn't want him to say,
"Oh, I have fun doing this.

I like doing it.
I like the blood sweating out."

I didn't know what was gonna
be said, so I just...

didn't ask.

I knew something was wrong with
my son, but I didn't know what.

And it was like, "Well,
maybe it is a demon."

I made up every excuse up you
can -- that's what parents do.

That's what mothers,
especially -- that's what we do.

We will make up an excuse
and stick with it.

We love our babies so much,
and we want the best for them.

We don't want to think
the worst, but I didn't know

what was coming next.

[sirens wailing]

[newscaster]
Halton is accused of sh**ting
and k*lling Cleveland Heights

police officer, Jason West.

Officer West never pulled
a g*n on Halton.

He did not have the chance.

Halton shot Officer West
as he arrived on scene.

[Jeannette] I do still cry about
it because it wasn't the life

I had planned for my child.

I mean, no one wants
their child to be a k*ller.

I was kind of shocking to
the system, and something

I'll never get over.

You see the light
we're approaching

is right after the next light.

There's a sign in memory of
Investigator Jason D. West.

I drive past it going to
work and coming from work.

So he lived in
one of these houses here.

You know, that sign
may not mean anything to

a lot of people,

and it means a lot.

That sign is there
because my son k*lled him.

I say a quick prayer
and drive right past it.

[emotional music plays]

[sharp exhale]
My babies.

Oh my God.

So adorable.

Him in his little suit,
her in a little --

I used to love
dressing them up.

He was such a happy kid.

So happy, so polite,
so loving.

He and his sister
were so close.

I mean, she loved her brother.
They were best friends.

They were.

But then he changed.

[ominous tones play]

I'm getting her ready
for her bath,

and she has a bunch of marks
on her thighs.

And I asked her,
"What is this?

Did you get bitten
by something?"

And she's just like,
"No, no, no, no."

And she tried to
cover up real quick.

And after a long pause,
she said, "Timmy made this

shocking toy,
and he shocks me."

Like, "What do you mean
shocks you?"

"He burns me.

And he told me if I tell you,
he was gonna get me."

He had tied her
to the chair.

And I don't know how he did it,
but he would take wires

out of a radio,
and he would shock her.

Pshew...
it became real in that moment.

Because now
you're hurting your sister,

physically abusing her.

I didn't want to whoop
my children,

but there was no stopping me.
You were getting whooped.

Even whooping him.
He had no emotion.

He had no emotion.

You spank him,
and it's not one of those things

where I'm gonna keep
spanking you harder

just to make you break.

But no, he was
very emotionless.

[smacking sounds]

After I whooped him, I just
went in my room and cried.

It was really hard
for me to handle

that I gave birth...

to someone that could be
so cruel as to do this,

and I just...

couldn't understand it.

It's not exactly what I was
dreaming of as a parent.

A couple weeks later,
I come home early from work,

and she's in a chair.

I said, "Is he shocking you?

Is he doing it again?"

And she say,
"Yeah, mommy, yeah, mommy."

And then Chrissy told me,
as he was shocking her,

the louder she yelled
or screeched,

the more he laughed about it.

[unnerving piano plays]

It was a range of emotions,
from fear, to hurt that

she's going through this, to...

anger.

So I tried to talk to him,
but I was trying to get down to

the bottom of it.
"Why do you like hurting things?

"Why -- why do you like
inflicting pain?

What kind of joy are
you getting here?"

And he would just look at me.
"I don't know why.

I don't know why."

I would never get an answer.

I was like,
"This is not normal."

What is wrong with my son?

I was terrified,
because no parent, first of all,

wants their child to be bad,
but to be violent

and for no reason other than
the reason that's in his head.

There was a time where
the family could say,

"Oh, we have to pray it away.
We have to pray it away.

We've got to pray
that demon away."

You know, but they wanted to do
literally an exorcism,

you know, in the church.

I know there's a God,
and I believe

there's Hell also.

There was something evil
inside of him.

[ominous chord strikes]

[melodic ringtone plays]

[Jeannette]
That's my baby.

OK.

-Hello?
-[automated voice] Hello.

This is a free call from...

[Timothy] Tim.

[automated voice]
...an inmate from the Allen
Correctional Institution.

Hey baby.

I'm doing good.
What's up?

I miss you, too.
I miss you, too.

I have to get
your food box for you.

I haven't forgotten.

I love you, too.
I miss my hugs.

You giving me one right now?

OK, thank you.
Yeah, what you been up to?

Oh, I been OK,
just -- I've been good, um...

just doing little projects,
you know,

around the house and everything.

All right baby, I'm gonna get
back to work now, OK?

I love you, too.

Bye bye.
Talk to you soon.

All right, this is take two,
ABC -- mark.

No...

Mhn-mhn.

Mhn-mhn.

Well...

hmm.

Well, my son is very
sensitive, and I know

for a fact he's ashamed
and embarrassed of

the things he did.

I know it hurts him,
and this will hurt him.

I have to --
I have to protect my baby.

He's gonna be 45
on March 30th.

He's still my baby, though.

You never stop loving them
and do a lot of forgiving

and hope they forgive you
for the things, you know,

as a parent that you
might have done wrong

or that they didn't agree with.

But no, you never
stop loving them.

It just breaks my heart
that he's in there

and he's never
coming home.

[school bell rings]

[Jeannette]
I received a call at work.

It was the principal of
the school, and they requested

that I come up immediately.

And I was like,
"Well, what's wrong?
What's going on?"

"We'll talk to
you when you get here."

By the time I got there,
he's sitting in a straitjacket

in a chair that's locked down
to the floor.

I just saw a little baby
in a straitjacket.

Are you serious?

But I'm scared because I'm like,
"What did he do?"

So apparently,
one of the teachers...

asked him about his father,

which was a sore subject
with him.

And he just tackled her.

So security got him off her.

He's kicking,
screaming, throwing things,

tearing up the desk
and everything,

and they ended up putting him
in a straitjacket.

Mind you, it's a school
for children

with behavioral issues, so
they're used to seeing things.

But they said this was extreme.
My son was violent.

[emotional piano plays]

[chuckles softly]

Oh, this one.

I think he's about 15
on this picture.

And...

all of a sudden,
he was happier.

He had finished all
his high school courses,

and a teacher submitted

an application for college,
and he was accepted.

Timmy said, "Don't tell my mom.
I want to tell her."

So he came home
and told me.

He was so excited.

He was on cloud nine.
He was on cloud nine.

He said, "Finally,
I did something right."

I was so proud of him.

And he was so happy that I was
proud of him because he had

caused me so much
heartache and pain.

It gave me so much hope.
It was like, finally.

It was the time
where I was like, OK,

he's getting it together.

He started getting violent.

And with each episode,
the violence was worse...

than the last time.

And it just kept
escalating and escalating.

[under breath]
All right.

Boy, you're really trying to
make me cry, aren't you?

A slow, violent descent.

I...
OK.

They have here his run-ins
with the law.

"Bare-chested Timothy Halton Jr.
punches and kicks

"a 60-year-old man
who walks past his home.

"The man is hit on the side
of the head, his jaw, and side.

Halton yells at the bloodied
man to get out of here."

At this time,
he's 20 years old, and...

they would hang out
at the mall,

and he'd just
start punching people

in the head for no reason.

This was an incident
just the next day,

July 9th, 2000.

"Police get a call
from Halton's screaming sister,

"who has locked her brother
out of the house.

Disorderly-conduct charge
is later dismissed."

That was part of the problem.

No matter what he did,
no matter who he hurt,

they dismissed him.

He just got one slap
on the wrist after another.

So I'm sitting there.
They bring him in, and he's...

in a straitjacket.

And I thought, what did he do
to get back in the straitjacket?

They told me he had been
attacking the nurses.

And I'm trying to act like,
OK, this is normal.

OK -- I'm just happy
to see him.

They kept it at a short visit.
It was time to go.

And they said
I had to leave first.

So I started walking away.

And all of a sudden,
I hear all this commotion.

And Timmy, straitjacket and all,
just knocking people out.

He was just like, using
his shoulders and his head

and kicking and literally
attacking everyone.

And I asked the doctor.
He just said,

"We suspect your child
has schizophrenia.

"We're not 100% sure,
but we believe

he might be
suffering from schizophrenia."

But I will never forget
that face and the way

he looked back.
It was not my son.

I swear to God, and it's so
hard to make anyone believe,

but I was looking at a devil.

I look at pictures
of Timmy all the time,

especially when he was younger.

I love looking at
his baby pictures because he is

so fat and chubby
and adorable, of course.

Mothers, we don't think
our kids ever grow up.

We still keep them as a baby.

I'm still thinking
this is my sweet Timmy.

My son is morphing
into something

that I did not recognize.

It just wasn't Timmy.
It was two people there.

He was always sweet.
He was always polite.

He was always kind.

He would morph into
a whole different being.

I mean, the way he walked,
the way he talked,

the way he looked at you.

It was scary.

You are always on edge
because you know

something's gonna happen.

You can never let
your guard down.

At this time,
there were many episodes.

He would walk around
the house just screaming,

and it was an awful,
awful, awful sound.

-[indistinct shout]
-[glass breaking]

[Jeannette] It was so scary.

[indistinct shouting continues]

[Jeannette] He punched holes
throughout my entire house.

[glass breaking]

My daughter was terrified of
him at this time, and she had

the new baby,
and at this point,

she was scared to sleep alone,

so her and the baby
would sleep with me.

That's when we started
going to the bathroom together.

Me, her, and the baby
would get in that bathroom.

There was nights that
we slept in that bathroom.

Because each episode
was worse than the last.

-[pounding]
-[as Timothy] Where are you?

[baby murmuring]

[Jeannette]
My daughter couldn't stand
living with him out of fear.

She's like, "Mommy, he's gonna
get us if we kick him out."

[shouting]

The situation was so hopeless.

I was like, "My daughter
can't live like this."

I have a granddaughter now.

She's not gonna go through
what my daughter went through.

[pounding]

And I bought a g*n because I
needed to protect my daughter.

[pounding]

It was going to be
Timmy or Chrissy.

I just rushed home,
and when I got there,

I see blood on the wall.

And I got my g*n out my purse,

and I was listening
at the same time

as I was walking up the steps.

I didn't know if he
was still in the house.

I just knew
there was blood on my wall.

And so I go to the bedroom,
and I'm at the door.

And I don't want to twist this
doorknob, but I know I have to,

'cause I didn't know what I was
gonna see behind that door.

So my hand was on the door for
what like, seemed, for eternity.

And I just twisted
and opened it.

I didn't see anything.

And I'm like,
"Chrissy, Chrissy."

She said, "Mommy, I'm in here.
I'm in the cubbyhole."

We made a cubbyhole.

And so I slid
the fake wall away.

And she's like, "I don't know
where Timmy is, Mommy.

"I don't know, he was howling.
He was acting strange.

"He kept saying he was
coming after me.

And so I hid -- me
and the baby hid in here."

At that time,
she had already called 911.

When the police got there,
they searched the house.

They searched around the house.
They couldn't find Timmy.

But they found a cut-up cat.

And that's where the blood...
came from.

I was beyond words.

It's not getting
better, it's worse.

And you have
no conscience about it.

That scared me in itself.

[emotional piano plays]

It got to the point
where I was so powerless.

I felt like
I am losing my mind.

And I said,
"No one's gonna help me.

I'm gonna have to take care
of this myself."

I told him, "Come on,
let's go for a ride."

And we're driving and we're
talking and everything.

And my plan was to
just go sit --

it's a park called
Forest Hills.

And we were just gonna go
sit there as we did often.

And I was gonna,
"Timmy, look over there.

Look over there."

I couldn't face him and do it.

Not that it made it any better.

I was gonna sh**t him
in the back of the head.

[tense tones play]

This isn't something
I wanted to do.

This is something
I felt I had to do.

I kept picturing my daughter
and picturing my daughter.

But I literally had it
pointed at him,

and I was a good shot.

My hands were trembling.
I just dropped it.

Fell to my knees.

And...

I remember letting out
this horrible, horrible,

horrible scream.

I mean, it just
came out of me.

And he runs back,
and he's like,

"Mommy, what's wrong?
What's wrong? What's wrong?"

He didn't understand
why I was crying.

I never told him.

But at that point,
I just couldn't do it.

I couldn't do it.

Even in the best circumstances,
parents always question,

"Did I do the right thing?

"Did I make a mistake
by doing this?

Why couldn't you stop him?"

You don't know what you're
going to do until you're

in that position, until you have
to address something.

And at times, you still don't
know what you're gonna do,

but you try to make
the best decision.

It seemed like no matter
what I did, I was wrong.

It's not getting better.
It's worse.

I could have stopped it.
If I would have...

k*lled him, then Jason West
would still be alive.

[Jeannette] That's when the
judge put him on probation,

a four-year probation,
where he had to stay medicated,

monitored, stay off drugs,
alcohol, see his psychiatrist,

social worker,
counselor, whoever,

you know, take a drug test.

And if he didn't do that,
he was going to jail.

That would be a violation
of his probation,

and he would go
straight to jail.

And...
that was a miracle.

And I noticed
the big difference.

He worked six days a week.
He was so proud of himself.

He bought a brand new car.

He finally moved out of
my house, bought clothes,

had a girlfriend, and it just
made me feel so good.

I was like, "Finally."

After one year, he came home.

He's like,
"They took me off probation."

And I said,
"Well, what does that mean?"

So I called
the probation officer,

and I said, "What do you mean
he's off probation?

"He's thriving on probation.

He's finally got
somewhat of a life."

And she said,
"Well, that's why.
He's doing so good.

He doesn't need to be
on probation anymore."

And I said, "Well,
what about his medication?

What about his shots?"
"Oh, that ends too."

I was like, "Are you serious?"

Don't you --
you have his records.

If you don't, get his records.

I said, "Look it over.
Reconsider, please.

Reconsider."

You're gonna keep letting my
son go until he kills somebody.

And that's exactly
what's gonna happen.

He's gonna k*ll somebody.

His childhood friend
called me.

I think it was around 8:30
on a Saturday morning.

And he's like,
"Timmy shot a cop last night --

Timmy shot -- "
I'm like, "What?"

"Timmy shot a cop.

"We don't know where he is.
We don't know where he is.

He ran off.
We don't know."

And I...

I let out this scream.

The news said that
he was still at large.

And so I called
Cleveland Heights Police,

and...

I -- I told them who he was.

You know, I said,
"That's my son, Timothy Halton."

I called the police station

to turn my son in
because it's m*rder.

I mean, he k*lled
someone, and...

it may not
have stopped there.

And there was no way
I could deny that...

at that point,
I'm the mother...

of a cop k*ller,
and my son k*lled someone.

I just start crying
on the phone, and I said,

"Sir, I'm sorry for your loss."

He said, "I'm sorry
for yours, too."

It was chilling.

I can still feel
the chills now.

It was very chilling,
and that was it.

He just hung up.
"I'm sorry for yours, too."

Y'all said that I tried
to k*ll a cop

who just rain into my truck --
run into my truck,

pulled me in the driveway,
blocked me off, jumped out,

and pulled his g*n on me.
All crazy for no [bleep] reason.

[reporter] Halton, at times,
saying he didn't do anything.

Other times, saying
he acted in self-defense,

then admitting his crime.

I let all three
in the mother [bleep] face.

Is that what you want to hear?
Hell, yeah, [bleep].

[deep sigh]

Wow.

How am I looking at this
picture of this grown man,

and I just see my baby?

I still see my little baby...
and his eyes.

A lost life.

I know people are gonna hate
me when I say this,

but I see a victim as well.

I -- I do.

And I don't care
who gets mad, but...

he shouldn't have to
have begged and pleaded

and ran all around
the city to try to get

a shot to prevent
him from hurting people.

How is that acceptable
in society?

After the incident,

I was fearful of retaliation...

[big exhale]
from my whole family.

I mean, he's behind bars
and we're still out here.

And I would be...

so ashamed.

I would walk with my head down,
hoping they didn't recognize me

because my face was plastered
everywhere, you know, and...

I couldn't sleep at night.
I was terrified.

I was -- I was scared
for him as well.

If he's the monster,
I'm the monster's mother.

It's an awful feeling.

It's something that
you never get over,

you know, for the family,

for Jason's family.

You know, I remember
his birthday, February 10th.

I grieve for his mother
on Mother's Day.

His sister, he had one sister,
just like my daughter.

I feel for them
because there's nothing

I can say or do
to bring Jason back.

It's just...

an awful feeling.

It's not a day that goes by
that I don't think about it,

them, what happened,
my son and his situation.

I'll always question what was
in his mind because I've never

gotten a clear answer.

Is my son evil
or is he mentally ill?

And can you explain
the difference?

No one wants
their child to m*rder anyone.

You never think of that
as part of the possibilities

when they grow up and become
a teenager, get a girlfriend,

get married,
have children themselves.

As awful as it sounds, I wish...

that Timmy had died
that night instead of Jason.

That would have been
a better outcome.

That would have been a better
outcome for everybody.

And I'm not proud to say that,
but it's the truth.

[dark music]

I can understand why people
look at me the way they do.

Because I raised
a [bleep] monster.