01x06 - Fourth of July

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music playing]

♪ American dreamers ♪

-[laughing] -[fireworks squealing and popping]

-♪ American dreamers made us free... -[truck horn honking]

-[fireworks exploding] -Hi, Dan. It's Kevin.

Happy... Fourth of July.

[Dan] Kev. How you holding up? I know today sucks for you.

Yeah, how about that. Any chance you want to maybe do our old routine

where you shield me from the terrors of this upsetting holiday?

Aw, man, I wish I could, bud.

But I'm at Universal Studios for my mom's bachelorette party.

Right. Tell Kathy I think it's okay that she's marrying a former student.

I-I got to go, Kev. Ma!

Stop flirting with the Sorting Hat. There's no guy in there.

-[laughing] -[loud expl*si*n]

[yells, whimpers]

-[screeching] -Calm down, friends.

-I-I understand you're all on edge. -[dogs whining]

Then what are you gonna do about it, Seth?

My people had a plan for this.

[Dan] Here's another cushion, bud.

You won't hear a thing in there.

-Do you want me to sing your song? -Yeah.

-♪ Kevin is so brave ♪ -[fireworks popping]

♪ He's such a strong big boy ♪

♪ The fireworks are loud, but he's got his big boy toys ♪♪

Mm. Keep going. This song slaps.

I mean, at least distract us with a certified bop.

-Kevin, it's okay. -[animals barking and whining]

Furrever Friends has a foolproof firework routine.

-Medicine Time. -[bell rings]

-[dog whining] -[Seth] Here comes the big pills.

One pill each! This sh*t ain't cheap.

You all heard her. One pill each.

That's the rule, and we all respect that rule.

No apple juice for me.

I swallow pills like an adult.

This is it? This is your plan? What are you giving us?

Claw-nopin. It's a heavy-duty sedative that came out

after that chimp "allegedly" ripped that lady's face off.

Chimp pills, huh? That's probably gonna be stronger than half a Benadryl, right?

Kevin, just let Seth knock you out.

It's the Fourth of July for f*ck's sake.

You don't want to be awake for this sh*t.

-[loud explosions] -[Seth yelling]

[cats screeching]

-Aah. -Oh.

Gross. I hate this holiday.

Just give me the chimp pill. Give it to me. Give me the thing.

And I-I need the apple juice to wash it down. Sorry.

[Cupcake with British accent] Out of my way, bruv.

-[whimsical music playing] -It's Little Pip the Chim-in-nee Cat.

Oh, come on. There's no way he falls for this.

Little Pip!

We haven't seen you since the last Fourth of July.

Please, sir. May I have two more pills for me mum and dad?

I thought you were an orphan, Little Pip.

[regular voice] Give Little Pip her drugs!

[yells]

♪ I'm coming home, I'm coming home ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I'm coming home, I'm coming home ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I'm coming home ♪

♪ I'm coming home, but I'm gonna roam ♪

♪ out on my own ♪

♪ Till you're home with me ♪♪

[Kevin] I'm Kevin.

[fireworks popping and squealing]

Wow. It ended with her buying this hat.

Hey, do you mind if I borrow this bed pan?

I'm about to go live, and I make a few extra stacks if I piss on camera.

That is a Tibetan sound bowl given to me by the Dalai Lama.

[laughing] Of course you can piss in it.

-Ooh. -[clangs]

Blindfold and butt plugs? Did you set up an OnlyFans, too?

That's an eye mask, and those are ear plugs.

Okay, but you know, anything can be a butt plug if you believe in yourself.

No, no, no. I took the Claw-nopin in order to abandon reality,

like my theater company abandoned me.

And I'm using these to lucid dream.

Armani, as a friend,

I don't think it's a good idea for you to turn to drugs

when you're in such a bad headspace.

[both laughing]

-Ooh, yeah, full of sh*t, I know. I know. -You almost had me there.

-[bell rings] -Oh. Little Pip's dose just kicked in.

And just in time for me to start streaming.

-[beeps] -Hold on to your dicks, y'all.

This cat's about to go limp.

[dinging]

Stick me in a f*cking crate, treating me like a guinea pig.

-I ain't no f*cking guinea pig. -Brandi, uh,

wouldn't you be more comfortable upstairs in the home that we share?

Why? So you can shove me in a crate again?

Treating me like some Shelly Miscavige. Whatever her name is.

Hashtag "where's Shelly?" I'm Shelly.

Brandi, I had no choice but to crate you, okay? There was an outbreak.

You know what I think?

You're only in this rescue game for the money and the power.

You call this rescue? You don't rescue nobody.

-[snoring] -Oh, no, she didn't.

I care deeply about our furry friends.

Seth is dead. Ain't nobody know it was me.

Gonna put him in an ugly-a*s casket.

Oh. You might be murdering me in your dreams right now, sweetie.

But by the time you wake, my honor will be restored.

[hopeful, soaring music playing]

[gruff voice] I'm gonna save every runaway dog in New York City.

[fireworks squealing and popping]

Right after I drop off this flag cake at Aunt Joy's extended care facility.

Peter!

-You're awake, too? -Of course.

When others are sleeping, rats are gaining upper hands.

-Well, I'm saying no to drugs. -[snoring]

I'm a proud member of the organization

Cats Uniting Mammals To Ultimately Resist Drugs.

[knocking]

-[Mama] Peter? -Mama?

[with accent] Help your papa pull luggage out of floorboard.

Ooh. Are your mommy and daddy visiting for the holiday?

Judy, please, privacy for me and my family.

I'm not even here.

I'm here.

Mama, Papa, how was your airplane ride?

-[with accent] Long. -This where Peter live?

Ugh. It's so... clean.

This just where Peter sleep.

Peter live in the city.

-[fireworks popping] -I'm so excited to show you my New York.

-No. - Your father buy ticket on computer

-for Fatberg tour. -[Peter] Ugh.

Giant clump of floating trash in sewer?

That's for tourists, Mama.

Oh, come on. You were tourist once.

You beg Mama for photo at M&M store.

And I confront you now so we can enjoy tour later.

Do you find real job yet?

More important, did you find rat wife yet?

Uh... yes. But tonight, you know, my wife, she is, uh--

[Judy] Right here.

Honey.

Y-Yes.

This is my wife, Jud... mila.

Surprise.

So lovely to meet you, Mama.

Can I call you Mama?

This new wife of yours... is rat?

-[sniffing] -Of course.

Judmila is New York City rat.

As big as they come.

Hmm. Peter has big wife.

Nice.

[snoring]

-[fireworks exploding] -[yells, mutters]

-Oh, my God. Did you guys hear that? Aah. -[dinging]

At least someone's having a good night.

-[Cupcake snoring] -"Who is this uggo?"

"Boo awake cat."

"Move and die, awake cat."

-Oh, okay. [screams] -[expl*si*n]

[whimpering]

Stupid Seth and his janky shelter.

I need more chimp pill.

-[whimpers] -Happy Independence Day, Kevin.

-[slow, ominous music playing] -sh*t. Is this a side effect?

Oh, God, I'm gonna rip somebody's face off.

I would never do that, and neither would you.

Because we're the same.

I wouldn't say the same, 'cause you have...

What are those called again?

c*m gutters, Kevin. Thanks for noticing.

I mean, the eyes just go right there, so...

Wait. Who are you?

I'm you if you had done the smart thing and stayed with Dana.

-[upbeat music playing] -Oh, shut up, no.

Is that a lime-washed litter box by TOTO?

The new one? With the heated sand?

Oh, I got to do my business in that.

Well... Well, then what are you waiting for, cowboy?

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Aah. sh*t. Why does this hurt so much?

[yelling]

[fireworks popping]

[snoring]

[sign buzzing]

[slow jazz playing]

Champagne.

[magical chiming]

Ah. I love lucid dreaming.

What fantasy shall I indulge in tonight?

Oh. Should I journey to Planet MacLaine?

No, I don't trust a group of Shirley MacLaines

to figure out running water.

Ah, yes.

This is the one.

[whirring]

[slow, gentle music playing]

[wind blowing]

[speaking Italian] So peaceful

No distractions

No horses

[horse neighing]

Armani!

You want to watch me f*ck these horses on top of some grapes? Squish, squish.

-[boing] -[neighing]

Hey, I'm supposed to be in control.

Why am I dreaming about you?

Me in your dream?

Ooh, you know what that means.

You were the last face I saw before I fell asleep?

You want to f*ck me.

[scoffs] We both know that's not true.

Well, I think Freud would disagree.

As he famously postulated in his early clinical work,

"If you dream about a cutie, you want the booty."

-I'm more of a Jungian. -Ah, yes, Jung.

"If they infiltrate your mind, you want to hit it from behind."

What the...?

Armando, you have officially lost control of this lucid dream.

-[fireworks popping] -[grand, majestic music playing]

[distant crying]

[whimpering]

[gruff voice] I'm here to save you.

No way. Get away from me, man.

[regular voice] Oh, no. Is the voice scaring you?

-I'm gonna drop it. It hurts my throat. -[whimpers]

Nobody can help me. We're all gonna die, man!

Hush now, little wiener.

Hide inside my bosom.

-And let me-- [yells] -[bottle rocket squealing]

-Oh, dear. My readers. -[whimpering]

My readers are on the ground!

[screaming]

Ow! Aah. Why did that hurt so much?

I think that says something about you.

When I go through, it feels, ooh, great.

-So where are we? -You're home.

-[soft music playing] -[Kevin] Dana,

your new place is amazing.

It's your place too, silly.

Ooh, and you got a special delivery today.

[gasps] It's another UPS box.

-For me to sit in. -You can add that one

-to your dope collection. -Wowee zowee.

Hold on. You two got back together?

Of course, silly. We're married.

Your genius idea to google "couples therapists" totally fixed us.

-Genius. -So... we want to thank you

with a private concert from Pavement.

Shut up. When?

Right now.

Kevin, you deserve this.

f*ck yeah, I do. You're Pavement.

-Whoo! -[playing upbeat tune]

♪ Kevin is so brave ♪

♪ He's such a strong big boy ♪

♪ The fireworks are loud ♪

♪ but he's got his strong boy toys...

Have fun with your favorite band, bud.

Wait. Where are you going?

I'm off to my high-paying job as an Uber helicopter driver.

I'm flying Elle Fanning to Teterboro Airport!

[whirring]

I bet you have to go to work, too, huh?

No, my only job is to stay home and spend all my time with you.

I guess that's cool.

What are you waiting for, Kevvy?

Come snuggie wuggie with me.

[echoing, eerie voice] Where you belong.

Um, did you feel that?

I feel like the vibe shifted.

-[groans, whimpers] -[man] Buy!

-Sell! -Wait. We live in...

the Financial District?!

-The SEC can suck my dong. -I'm getting into sneakers lately.

I bought my wife online.

No!

[fireworks squealing and popping]

[tour guide] So, we already know that fatbergs are giant clumps

of oil, baby wipes and trash.

But the Dirty Rock Fatberg also boasts over two dozen retail shops,

including Aratzia and Saks Filth Avenue.

-[camera shutter clicking] -Judmila, girl talk.

When you make me rat babies?

Soon. I just got my IUD out.

-[sniffing] -[Peter] So, Mama,

-I have exciting news. -[Tetis gasps]

Look. From Home Alone .

Peter, Peter, take a picture of us going like this.

-Ah! -Ah!

You understand, I'm Malorkey Korkin.

Mama, Papa, I have been trying to tell you something all day.

I get major role in all-horse production of musical Mame.

-[gasps] -My Peter?

On stage with big horses?

Oh, I need to sit down.

Are you trying to k*ll Mama?

[sighs] They don't support me.

Well, they have a point, babe.

We're a growing family, and you're going to have to provide for me.

I'm a tradwife!

[fireworks popping]

[strained groaning]

Ah. Aren't you a saint.

Well, you're very cute.

And... very... heavy.

[whimpering]

Crushed by the weight of his own moral righteousness.

Tonight, I drink to you,

-strange little woman. -[whimsical music playing]

-[insects trilling] -Okay, here we go.

New lucid dream, no Cupcake.

Armando!

Hi!

[all] Welcome to Planet MacLaine.

[laughs]

-[upbeat music playing] -These crazy b*tches did it.

[President MacLaine] We've established a Democratic Socialist society,

where we all work for the good of the greater Shirley.

Is there organized religion?

No, just crystals and gin.

Tah, papa-tee-tah. Madam President,

Astronaut MacLaine has made first contact with alien life. Come with me.

-[scoffs] Is it alive? -[tense music playing]

We're still conducting some tests, but--

Oh, no! [screams] Oh!

Oh, the specimen's loose.

-[alarm blaring] -Send everybody!

Maintain!

-k*ll it! -[clamoring]

[screaming] Ow!

-[panting, whimpering] -Yeah. Eat it.

[bellowing]

What is it saying?

I, uh... I believe it's a message for this cat?

-You want to f*ck me. -Oh, Jesus Christ with a crew cut.

I have had enough!

Will you please get the f*ck out of my dreams?

But I'm having so much fun.

Ooh. You got Red Vines in here?

I always thought you might be a Twizzler man.

[fireworks squealing and popping]

-[eerie music playing] -I can't live in the Financial District.

[screams]

The real estate agents are calling it Fi-Di.

-Isn't that fun? -No.

It's New York's most vibrant neighborhood.

Nothing's open past : p.m.

Not even the cool bars?

[laughing] There are no cool bars.

But it's okay, because we stay in here.

With Dana, where we're safe and snuggy-wuggied.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't... I don't want to be here anymore.

I'm-I'm going back to my friends in Astoria.

-But you can't. -[whimpering]

Because they bombed Astoria.

They? Who is "they"?

It's okay, Kevvy-boo. They won't b*mb you.

Daddy will use part of the couch-copter to make you a hidey-hole.

-[alarm buzzing] -Oh, no. I goofed something up.

Yeah, but I'm Elle Fanning, and I need to get to Teterboro.

Dakota's waiting.

-Whoa! -Oopsie.

-Oh, my God. Do you think they're okay? -No.

But he died doing what he loved, protecting you from the big scary world.

And now, it's just you and me.

-♪ Kevin is so brave ♪ -[yelling]

♪ He's just a baby kitty ♪

♪ The fireworks are loud ♪

[eerie voice] ♪ but here comes mommy's titty ♪♪

No!

[gasps] Oh.

Oh, my God. It's not too late.

Cupcake, wake up.

We have to stop "they" before they blow up Astoria.

[phone dinging]

Aah! No more Creepy Kevin. f*ck. Aah.

-[dinging] -What? Bluetooth my a*s.

Aah! Get off of me.

[whimpering] Oh, God.

Oh. What is that? Tail? No. Wire. Aah!

[screaming]

[all whining, whimpering]

Someone find my ex-wife and tell her I'm not sorry.

The squirrel mafia. They found me.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

-[dogs whining] -Where is he? Where is Seth?

[gasps] I finally did it.

I k*lled Seth.

And you all were always so mean to him.

[crying] Howl!

[dogs howling]

Peter, I called Cousin Gregor.

He get you job on Rat King.

But I don't want to be cog in machine.

I am individual. I need work that nourish my soul.

You need to nourish your rat babies.

Your big wife look ready to make baby.

I wanted to tell you at Christmas.

It is time to grow up.

Okay, I give up.

I will tie my tail to other rats and forget about my dreams.

Wait. You can't lose your dreams.

Dreams are where I'm friends with Taylor Swift, and I can fly.

In Taylor Swift's private plane.

Judmila, you are big wife, but you should be quiet wife.

Excuse me?

Judy, it's okay.

It is not okay.

This is America, and in this country, the wives are big.

-[optimistic music playing] -And loud.

And get steady jobs so their actor husbands can have health insurance.

[cheering]

Now let's go home, Peter.

I'm gonna help you with a self-tape.

[Kevin whimpering]

-♪ American dreamers ♪ -Where-Where's the sun?

Aah! Who are you? Aah!

-♪ American dreamers made us free ♪ -Ooh. Oh! [yowls]

-[pants] -♪ American dreamers, you and me...

[explosions booming]

No! You aren't me!

And I don't want c*m gutters.

[imitating eagle screeching]

Or whatever the f*ck eagles sound like.

Hey, man, don't-don't be bird-r*cist.

[Kevin] Stop body-shaming me,

-fireworks! -What the...?

-Kevin? -Franny, you're alive.

Uh, are you okay?

No. I don't want to live in the Financial District.

Yeah, no one does.

Dan and Dana do, but I don't want to live with them anymore.

I'm different now. I want my friends.

I want my janky shelter.

Okay, buddy.

[quietly] I think you're tweaking.

I'm on chimp pill. Oh, God.

[quietly] Protect your face.

Hey, hey, hey. Look, just come upstairs to my place,

and we will ride this sh*t out together.

-[sign buzzing] -[Armando] I'm serious, Cupcake.

I want you to leave!

I'm not leaving till you deal with your sh*t.

What sh*t?

It's time to pop this one in.

[Armando] Michael?

-I can't watch that, Cupcake. -[somber music playing]

Look, I'm only gonna appear

as a manifestation of your abandonment issues once.

Got me chasing you all over the g*dd*mn place.

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

[dramatic, hopeful music playing]

♪ ♪

[bottles shatter]

Oh. f*ck me.

$, for a coffin? Oh, hell no.

Let me google "dead body" plus "sack" plus "Groupon."

Brandi?

Oh. Gosh, I don't know how to tell you this.

They found the body, and it looks bad.

[dramatic, somber music playing]

Mmm. Thank you, mister.

Oh! You stupid son of a b*tch!

Why'd you do it? Why'd you let me k*ll you?

[sobbing]

-[magical chiming] -[mysterious music playing]

[expl*sive pop]

-[gasps] -What the f*ck?!

Thank you, Brandi. You pushed me to be a better man.

And I almost did it.

-I almost saved them all. -Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're a hero.

Now I'm putting your a*s into hiding until the insurance check clears.

I can't believe you fit a shuffle board table

in a studio apartment.

Yeah, I stole it from this bar that fired me.

Are you ready for a rematch?

Well, you only beat me 'cause I was still high.

Oh, yeah, sure. That's why. [chuckles]

Hey, uh, thanks for putting up with me last night.

I was really freaking out, huh?

You had a long conversation with my toaster

about unattainable male beauty standards.

Ugh. I-I don't want to sound un-American, but I really hate the Fourth of July.

It's not fun anymore.

And too many people are experimenting with potato salad. Raisins?!

-No! -Get out of here.

No siree.

So, who do you think bombed us in your dream?

I can't explain why, but I'm sure it was the Impractical Jokers.

Peter, your mother and I thought about what your big, loud wife say.

-And now we understand. -[gentle music playing]

America is place for following dreams.

Who knows? Maybe someday we see you nibbling dead hooker on Law & Order.

Or nibbling dead hooker in prestige drama limited series

starring Oscar-winning actor Woody Harrelson.

Goodbye, my sweet boy.

Goodbye, Mama.

You dropped these.

Thank you, Judy, for everything.

You're welcome. Ooh!

I think the babies are saying they want chopped cheese.

We can't wait to meet you in there.

Baby, I don't know what kind of freaky sh*t you did with my phone last night,

but thank you. I made K!

[Glenn] Oh, geez!

You know, the Fourth started out pretty shitty, but it ended up kind of good.

Man, somebody just offered to buy that piss.

I should've just gone to the Stein Way to begin with.

I had so much fun with Franny. She's so funny and--

Oh. She has an old Sega Dreamcast.

Get this. We played Crazy Taxi for hours.

Maybe it's my mother's intuition, but I think you found your person.

-My person? [scoffs, mutters] -[upbeat music playing]

We're just friends. Homies. Besties.

If you say so, but sometimes

your someone special shows up when you're not even looking.

God, I wish I could have sushi right now.

What's up with you today?

You haven't told anybody to shut the f*ck up.

I dreamt about Michael.

Oh. The "Thriller" video or the "You Are Not Alone" video?

'Cause both are unsettling.

My Michael.

Oh. Ooh.

You okay?

I don't think so.

Armando, Cupcake, grab the overnight bag.

My water just broke!

Judy, you're pissing down your leg.

Ooh, child, hold on. I'm gonna go get that sound bowl.

[♪ Martina McBride sings "Independence Day"]

♪ Let freedom ring ♪

♪ Let the white dove sing ♪

♪ Let the whole world know that today ♪

♪ is a day of reckoning ♪

♪ Let the weak be strong ♪

♪ Let the right be wrong ♪

♪ Roll the stone away ♪

♪ Let the guilty pay ♪

♪ It's Independence Day ♪♪

Chirp.