02x09 - Episode 9

[bunniefuu]

chill electronic music

[Orna] Couples form this world
between them in which they come

to assume all sorts of
things, as if that's,

of course, just the truth.

If you stand a little bit
outside of that structure,

you realize that
is not the truth,

that is the mini universe that
you've created for yourselves.

If you step out of
it for one second,

everything you thought
was completely true is not

necessarily so, and you can
see it totally differently.

If you can give
couples just a hint of that,

you can release
them from dogged,

grooved-in conflict that
they assume is just a must-be.

...in order to ensure
that that doesn't happen,

and then he doesn't do it!

I mean, I blame him and it's...

because of him.

I don't know if I want
to be doing it at all.

Jesus Christ.

[inhales sharply]

Stop it!

Why do you find this funny?!

Sometimes, I feel like I just
hate him so much I can't stand

it anymore!

I can't stand
being around him...

-Hello.
-Hello.
-Hello.

Welcome.

Thank you.

[Orna] When I look back and I
think about the first few weeks

and the couples
walking into the office,

it felt like it was gonna be
another wonderful phase of

working through couples' issues.

I mean, there was no clue to how
intense this journey was gonna

be together.

And they basically fall asleep.

Hello.

-Hello!
-Hello!

[Michal] Oh, we got you a gift.

-[Orna] Aw!
-[Michal] [laughs]

Oh, is this a terrarium?

-Yes, it is.
-Yes.

-Aw, I love it.
-But it's a special terrarium.

-Yes!
-To us, anyway.

Yeah.

[Michael] It's a
terrarium full of meaning.

Oh, oops, wrong side.

Yeah, that's my spot.

Yeah, I'm not used to
sitting on that spot,

on that side, I can't--

[Michael] The
angles are all wrong,

you never know
what could happen.

[laughs]

I had to go to a
specialty shop to get it,

-so...
-[laughs]

[Michal] Don't take
really good care of it,

just, you know--

-Yes, just right.
-[Michael] Just right.

-Just right.
-[laughs]

Wow, that's very moving.

We're glad you like it.

[laughs]

[Orna] Thank you.

I really wanted to make sure
that we talked about something

-that happened to us this week.
-[Orna] Mm-hm.

[Michal] Something happened to
him that was anxiety-inducing.

Who got anxious?

I was anxious.

-He got anxious.
-[Orna] Yeah.

Which is very rare, right?

Because Michael
never gets anxious,

but something
happened to him--

Well, this might be something
to do with a shift in dynamic.

-I was wondering that--
-Mm-hm.

Because I was
thinking to myself,

I'm like suddenly, like, I'm
pushing everything off onto

-him--
-[Orna] Mm-hm.

And now, he's the
one with the anxiety.

[Orna] Yeah.

What was the thing
that made you anxious?

Well, it was at work, it
was some feedback with work,

and it made--

[Orna] What type of feedback?

I mean--

Feedback that,
like, I felt like,

uh, it was like a
negative impression.

Meaning you got
some critical feedback?

[Michael] Critical feedback.

And then, like--

[Orna] What were
you anxious about?

That, like, I had to do
more than I was doing.

That, like, I
might fail at this.

Yeah.

So the something that happened
was instead of dealing with it

on his own, he came and
started to talk to me about it.

To me, it seemed like he was
trying to alleviate his anxiety

onto me, and then, as
a result, I ended up,

like, very stressed out.

So my original solution was
"Just don't tell me about these

things, I don't wanna know."

I mean, ideally, if we
wanted to think about,

like, what's the...

like, a good
template for a couple,

it's when there's anxiety, for
it to be indeed passed back and

forth between the two of you so
that each of you can take a look

at it and give some kind
of constructive opinion,

and then pass it to
the other person,

have another
opinion, pass it back.

You know, when things
pass back and forth,

they get more and more
rational, manageable,

and the anxiety
ideally then subsides.

So you don't think he should
keep things like that from me?

-No.
-[Michael] [laughs]

-[Michal] Okay.
-I don't think that's a fair

-request.
-[Michal] That's fair enough.

[Orna] And how are you
feeling about our work ending?

A little anxious,
honestly. [laughs]

[Orna] Mm-hm, mm-hm.

Uh, you know, I've
been thinking about it--

Why are you anxious about that?

'Cause, you know, I had my
own-- it's not like I had-- I

walked into this, like,
clean and I just walked away.

Like, there were
some issues that I had.

I was looking at
things the wrong way.

I, like, tried to
accept them and move on but,

like, there's always the
chance of backsliding.

I'm worried about that.

You know, and I'm-- and
I'm not a fool about it.

Like, I'm aware that
it's a possibility,

it might even be a
likely possibility.

But I don't even want to
think about that 'cause,

like, I gotta live
the rest of my life.

You know the, um...

my association, my inner
world response to the terrarium,

the way I'm thinking about this
terrarium and the two of you is

that many times
sitting with you two,

when we pushed the
anxiety and the fighting away,

when it cleared the space, what
immediately came to the surface

between the two of you is kind
of a wonderful land of play and

fantasy and joy.

That's true.

Yeah.

[Orna] It's right there.

[Michal] I know that's true.

We do have a lot of
fun with each other.

-[Orna] Mm-hm.
-It's a fun world.

I always told him he's like
my favorite person to hang out

-with.
-[Orna] Mm-hm.

He's fun, you know?

I-- yeah.

It's a fun world.

-[both laugh]
-Yeah.

ambient music

Every couple brings me to
a certain piece of work that

I do with myself.

It's said about people who
become therapists that they're--

on some level, they've been
designated the role of the

family therapist.

[Virginia VO]
Yeah, life teaches you.

[Orna VO] Yeah.

I've certainly had
that role in my family,

in terms of, like, tuning
into my mother's history,

helping her in the
process of her healing,

tuning into the
conflicts between my parents,

trying to resolve that.

With the added dimension of
the whole pandemic and all the

upheaval that
we've been through,

I just feel more attached
to my patients than ever.

Yeah.

[Orna] Like with
Matthew and Gianni,

there's something very
courageous about them that moves

me.

That they've been through
this incredibly difficult thing

together and made it through.

[giggling]

[sighs]

[laughs]

Want me to twerk for you?

[laughs]

I qualified for an AA meeting.

And, you know, I think it's
funny that they call it a

"qualification,"
because, like...

-I'm very qualified at drinking.
-[Orna] [laughs]

So I guess that's why they
had-- [laughs] they call it a

"qualification?"

-I'm not too sure.
-Uh-huh.

But, um, I spoke at the meeting
and I-- I think I hit it home

run.

It was really good.

I'm very proud of myself.

-Awesome.
-[Matthew] Which
is a good thing.

That is a good thing already.

[Matthew] Yeah, it
was a good thing.

I had two women say that
they wish I was their son.

[laughs] So.

-[Orna] That's wonderful--
-Wonderful.

[Orna] On so many fronts.

Is there a way
that you can tell me,

us, what you said?

Well, I think a lot of it
was stuff I learned in here,

to be very honest with you.

-[Orna] Mm-hm.
-Um...

and kind of just
relating some of the past,

uh, my past with
some of my behaviors.

[Orna] Mm-hm.

You know, just kind
of connected the dots,

um, to why, you know, I felt
like I was having struggle with

drinking and what I was
using drugs and alcohol for.

You know, um...

Like, we had really good
sex [laughs] last week.

-We did!
-[laughs]

We did!

And it was--

You told a lot of people.

He what?

I said, "You told
a lot of people."

-[all laugh]
-[Orna] That's good.

It was great.

And, you know--

But that's an expression of...?

[Matthew] Accomplishments.

I mean, I feel like-- I feel
like I've accomplished a lot

because I've done the work.

Yeah.

Like you said, I had to
put the effort forward.

And I feel like I did that
the other day in the bedroom.

[laughs]

I put the effort forward and
it, you know-- and it paid off.

[Gianni] And seeing him in a
good place puts me in a good

-place.
-Mm-hm.

I feel-- I like this week has
been great also for me and my...

you know, everything
that was going on.

-[Orna] Your anxiety.
-Yeah, exactly.

I feel like talking so much
about how awful the past was and

all of that, I kind of
feel like I got my closure.

[Orna] Yeah.

-Like a little--
-[Orna] Absolutely.

-Like, bef-- it's true.
-That's great.

Before, I would
think so much about it,

-like constantly, every day.
-[Orna] Mm-hm.

And those past two weeks, I've
not thought once about the past

-and how horrible things were.
-Yeah.

And I'm just enjoying
now and the present.

[Orna] Mm-hm.

And that's why I was-- because
I was thinking to myself,

I was like, "What changed?"

And I feel like I just needed
to let all the anger in out.

[Orna] Mm-hm.

And put a mark on it and
say that chapter is over.

[Orna] Yeah.

-It's moved into history--
-[Gianni] Yes.

-Rather than now.
-[Gianni] Yes.

And I feel it in
me, I feel it inside.

Like, I don't have that anxiety
and anger and all those crazy

emotions in me.

Like, I'm in a
completely different place.

I feel even more in
love with him than before,

it's true, I told him.

Like, this is worth it.

So.

What would you say?

[Matthew] Well, I
don't know, like,

I-- he-- he brought that
up, uh, the other day.

He said, "You know, I feel more
in love with you," and I kind of

just giggled
because-- [laughs] you know,

it's sweet, it's a sweet
thing to say and I think that,

you know, falling more
in love is a great thing.

Um, but there is a part of me
that kind of feels like there's

gonna be a lot of things that
come up in a relationship that's

going to last a substantial
amount of time that are...

significant situations.

But are you worried that
if things get really tough,

Gianni will leave?

Is that what you're saying?

You're not sure Gianni will
stick around if it gets deep and

turbulent?

I guess I've just been through
a lot more in relationships,

and this is his-- what he says
to be his first real significant

relationship.

Some of that is I
feel like you have,

like, a very black and white
line of what would be acceptable

and what is not, how a
relationship should be,

how it shouldn't be.

Last year, our relationship
was not acceptable at all.

[Orna] Right.

And I stayed.

-And you stuck it out big-time.
-[Gianni] Yeah.

I don't know why you
have this fear now.

If we had to phrase what you're
saying in the form of a worry,

what's your worry about Gianni?

I guess looking at our
relationship and saying,

you know, "This is going to be
the relationship that takes us

to the end of our
time," at the root of it,

I need to feel like
we've got each other's back.

But are we
talking about a very,

um...

basic feeling of trust?

I guess.

Because it-- and
it's not-- I mean,

and it is not trust
issues like he's having,

like "Oh, you're gonna--"

[Orna] It's not like
sleeping with someone else.

Right.

-It's at the very core, like--
-[Orna] Mm-hm.

There's no way to
resolve this question,

but just a way to
think about it is that,

um...

trust gets built over time and
the capacity to trust is not

only dependent on
who you're with,

it's also-- it
depends on your history,

right?

When you have, like, um, a
lot of trauma in your history,

trust is not an
obvious thing at all.

So it's gonna come up.

When you're in a
real relationship,

it's gonna come up
again and again.

Mm-hm.

Where are you?

[laughs]

Okay, Orna.

[both laugh]

[Gianni] But I see you.

-"What are you thinking?"
-[Orna] Mm-hm.

Good.

Good, good, good.

You're ready to go.

[all laugh]

chill electronic music

Sometimes, couples leave
and they think they're done.

But the type of
conflicts between couples,

they work like a spiral, so
you can make your way out of a

certain stuckness and rigidity,
but it's gonna come back the

next big stressor or
the next big change,

it's gonna be right there and
they're gonna get horrified that

they're back at
that place again.

So you just
revisit it, hopefully,

at a more-- in a more mature,
enlightened state of mind.

[Virginia] Yeah, totally.

[Orna] So, for
example, with Tashira and Dru,

when I think of her early
on, she was almost embittered,

like an older embittered person.

And by the end of
treatment, she was younger.

It's like she went back to a
place that she must have closed

off early on in her life.

Uh-huh!

It wasn't even
touching, it was the wire.

Yeah, okay.

-Hello.
-Hello.

Hi.

[Dru] So we added a
new member to the family.

I got her her pup.

-Oh, really?
-[Tashira] Yeah.

Her early birthday present.

Yeah.

-[Dru] Yeah.
-Wow!

[Tashira] Yeah,
he surprised me on,

um, Thursday.

We came home and...he had a
puppy with a red bow on it.

[both laugh]

Like, I didn't even-- I don't
even think I believed it for

the first day or two
because it's just...

I've never had a dog, I've
never received a gift like that.

When he was
explaining to my son,

like, "You know, it's our dog
but it's your mom's dog because

your mom has been through a lot
this year and she deserves to be

happy and have
something like this," so.

-So sweet.
-[Tashira] Yeah.

-So loving.
-[Dru] Yeah.

She know-- I mean-- [clears
throat] I hope she knows now

that I'd go to the end
of the Earth for her.

[Orna] Mm-hm.

You know?

And...

when we said
"goodnight" to each other,

she asked for a hug and I
gave her a hug and she started

hysterical
crying, and it took me,

like, by surprise.

Because you would think that it
would come when you'd give them

-the gift.
-[Orna] Mm-hm.

I've never heard her
cry the way she cried.

As long as I've known her.

You know, in my
head, I'm like...

it was...not confused
but, like, wondering,

like, what triggered that.

You know, that--
that such strong cry.

[Orna] Mm-hm.

Like, I didn't-- I
didn't ask her about it,

you know, I just let
her be in the moment.

But do you understand?

-[Dru] [laughing] No.
-No.

-[laughs]
-No, you know?

-Do you want to say?
-[Dru] I was just there for her.

I don't know, it
just kind of just,

like...

happened.

It's just that no one has ever
done anything like that for me,

and I'm not
talking about, you know,

spending the money or-- it's
just the gesture and what he had

said about me having a hard year
[sniffles] and him going out to

do something like that.

At that moment, I
was so grateful and...

I just didn't know how.

So when he hugged me,
I just got hysterical.

You know, I didn't
mean it to come out.

-[laughs]
-No, no, no.

And I wasn't
unhappy, it was just--

-No, I know.
-Like, just this...

whoosh of emotions.

[Orna] Mm-hm.

And when you say -- and you've
said that before -- that you

don't know how--

[Tashira] Yeah.

Maybe you can say some more?

I think it's like I don't know
how to accept the happiness,

-maybe?
-Yeah.

[Tashira] There's
always this...block,

something that just stops me.

And...

I think maybe that's another
reason why I got hysterical,

because...

like, there was no
stopping the happiness.

-[laughs]
-[Orna] Mm-hm.

-You made your choice.
-[Tashira] Yeah.

-That you're in.
-[Tashira] Yeah.

Yeah.

You know that, right?

-Yeah.
-Oh, okay, just making sure.

[laughs]

You wouldn't have gotten no
puppy if I didn't know that.

[both laugh]

Yeah.

How have you been
feeling with each other?

[Dru] Good.

I mean, me, personally, good.

[Orna] What has made
for the most change?

[Tashira] Being able to express
my feelings a little bit better.

The vulnerability thing.

[Orna] Mm-hm.

The, um...

realizing that the anger is
more of a cover-up for the hurt.

[Orna] Yeah.

And not wanting
to say, you know,

and give that piece
to somebody and say,

-"You hurt me."
-Yeah.

[Dru] You know?

Um...

you know, it's crazy
'cause, you know,

I always said I can trust
her, I never had a doubt in it,

but did I trust her
enough to, you know,

-be vulnerable?
-[Orna] Mm-hm.

Which I didn't for a long time.

Both of us had this big issue
of pride and being right and not

truly expressing what we were
feeling at that exact moment.

[Orna] Mm-hm.

You know, whether it was
hurt or sad or disappointed or

whatever.

And I think yeah, that it was
definitely hard for the both of

-us.
-Yeah.

We still have our
mishaps here and there,

um--

-Yeah, but--
-But--

I can't tell you the last time
we had an argument and we didn't

talk for days.

-That's so good.
-[Tashira] Yeah.

Wow.

So that's why I
don't want it to end.

[laughs] I know, now I'm
thinking about it and I'm like

"sh*t." [laughs]

Yeah, I know, we're talking
about all this progression....

-Right.
-[Dru] And it's just like...

[Tashira] We could do it.

We'll be okay, we could do it.

Yeah.

If there was a year
to have therapy--

-This was the year.
-This was the year.

[both laugh]

That was-- that
was not in the plan.

[laughter]

You take good
care of each other.

[Tashira] We will.

The kids, the cats, the dogs.

-[both laugh]
-You too. [laughs]

[Orna] [laughs] Yes, exactly.

So you wanna meet the pup?

[Orna] Yeah. [all laugh]

Yes, I do.

Yes, yay.

All right, let's go.

[gasps]

Oh my God, this
is ridiculously cute.

Oh, my God!

[Tashira] Hey, Marley.

Amazing.

-But we're gonna see you again.
-Yes.

[Orna] Yeah.

Right?

Uh, commencement.

The end of one thing,
the beginning of another.

[laughs]

I am sad.

[laughs]

Well, huge hugs.

We really
genuinely appreciate it.

Yeah.

It's-- it's meant
the world to us.

Thank you.

-Thank you so much.
-Thank you, thank you.

[Orna VO] It's really--
it's hard to let them go.

[Michal] All right,
thank you so much.

[Orna VO] I think about them.

Like, what's gonna happen?

How are they gonna be?

I can imagine, like, the new
kind of conflict that's gonna

come up.

What are they gonna do?

Are they gonna mess up
the work we've done?

I'm like, "Don't
mess it up!" [laughs]

A soundless sigh
and helpless cry

Guide you through
the darkness here

Everybody knows we arm
our hearts to make it strong

A lonely boy, lonely girl,
looking for a someone who cares

Everybody knows we arm
our hearts so we can...

[man over speaker]
Welcome to Rome.

Letting go,
letting go, letting go

There are so many
heartaches but how do we heal?

Letting go,
letting go, letting go

The fear of our
weakness always returns

Letting go,
letting go, letting go...

[chatter and laughter]

[woman] Whoo! [laughs]

Show me the ring, girl!

Covered lies, [inaudible] eyes

Blinded by the
fools we observe

Everybody knows we arm
our hearts to make it strong

Meaningful, undeniable
is that we can love

Then why are we bruising
all we have to arm our hearts?

Letting go,
letting go, letting go

There are so many
heartaches but how do we heal?

Letting go,
letting go, letting go

The fear of our
weakness always returns

Letting go,
letting go, letting go

We all harden our
feelings afraid of the end

Afraid of being hurt

Afraid of being hurt

Letting go,
letting go, letting go

There are so many
heartaches but how do we heal?

Letting go,
letting go, letting go