[Lara] We have
such a strange story.
We met, um, as kids.
[Orna] As kids?
We're both from
the same hometown.
And we started
dating when we were 13.
And we, uh, never broke up.
I always have said that we
decided we were married as
children.
I mean, from a very early
age, there were people that were
like...
actually said to us, "My
God, if you guys break up,
I don't know what I would do."
[Orna] Mm-hm.
I've heard that
several times from people,
even as an adult.
And the pressure of that, I know
that's something that's hard for
you to talk about.
Yeah, it's something
that, like, gets me.
Um, the pressure of,
like, to carry that weight.
To just be that couple.
Yeah.
To be, like,
"Everything's fine--
-[Orna] Yeah.
-'Cause we're fine."
-But it's, like, not fine.
-We're not fine.
-[Orna] Right.
-[laughter]
theme music
[sighing] All right.
[sighs]
I cannot remember the
last time I was this nervous.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Just be honest.
The biggest issue I think we
deal with is we're apart a lot.
I am an actor for-- I
do musicals and plays.
And Trey is a director.
He's in our industry as well.
So how is that
the biggest issue?
I mean, what-- what's going on?
What are the issues?
-I-- I'll lead.
-[Lara] Okay.
I'll lead.
Um...
So after we got
married, I, um-- I panicked.
And I realized that I
didn't have a youth,
I never dated anyone else,
and Lara was gone for a while.
And I started to have
emotional affairs with people.
[Orna] Mm-hm.
And eventually, uh, one of the
emotional affairs turned into a
physical affair.
Um...
And I regret it.
And I hated myself for years.
I wasn't this idea of...
um, the perfect couple anymore.
I was this person who--
I was another statistic.
And it's not
something we've sorted,
because I still very much feel
like it's not working in that
-regard.
-So tell me about that.
Um... [sighs]
She's gone so--
we're apart-- I mean,
I cannot underline that enough.
In a given year, s-- five to
six months we'll spend together.
Half the year.
-Thanks so much.
-[Orna] Take care.
-Bye.
-[Lara] Thank you.
ominous drone
[woman] A SARS-like virus which
has infected hundreds in China
has now reached
the United States.
[man] It was another day of
fast-moving developments in this
coronavirus, and now
here in New York City,
a state of
emergency declared as well.
[woman] The governor is now
saying only essential personnel
will be allowed to go to work.
[Governor Cuomo] We
need everyone to be safe.
Otherwise, no one can be safe.
[Orna] Here you go.
[boy] Thank you.
[Skype ringing]
I cannot hear you guys.
Can you hear me?
Wait, actually, I need to put
my headphones on to hear you.
-How are you?!
-[Orna] Hi!
Oops, lost you.
Why would you do that?
You just cut off your head.
This is literally our new
normal for we don't even know
how long.
upbeat funky music
-Oh, God.
-We have a visitor, sorry.
[laughing] We have
a visitor, sorry.
Remember this one?
[Elaine] Hi, Nico!
Oh, my gosh!
Say good morning!
Hold on one second.
I gotta tell the
kids here to calm down.
One second.
Hey, people!
I'm on session!
-Some food--
-[growling]
[Orna] Hi!
[all laugh]
I've been working
from home, which,
you know, initially
sounded like "Oh, great!
I can work from home."
[Orna] Right.
But then, with the
closing of the daycare...
um, it hasn't been--
it hasn't been fun.
It hasn't been easy.
What about you, James?
She's trying to get work
done, but I can't control a
three-year-old hurricane
running through the house.
[Orna] [laughs]
It's probably the worst
age for this to happen.
Yeah, he's the other
aspect of it for me,
because, um...
it's like, you know,
I'm home and he's home,
but I can't spend
any time with him.
And then, um, I'm worried, okay,
is he learning enough while he's
at home with us?
So I'm feeling
like a failed mother.
-[laughs]
-[Orna] [groans]
Wow.
smooth funky music
Hello.
-[James] Hello.
-[Michelle] Hi.
I always felt like we were
meant to-- to be together.
Literally, the night
of our first date,
we-- we saw fireworks
after we kissed. [laughs]
Thanks to, uh, somebody over
on the New Jersey side of the
-river.
-Yeah.
-They were lighting off--
-[Orna] Oh, I see, literally.
Yeah, they were
lighting off fireworks.
He kissed me and then there
was -- pshoo -- fireworks.
Uh-huh.
We're not polar opposites, but
I am definitely more liberal,
he's more conservative.
And before we had our son, we
were happy with existing with
each other but in
our own spaces.
Your son forced the
two of your to have to,
like, be a lot
more interdependent.
[Michelle] Exactly.
And so it's like we
never figured that part out.
-[laughs]
-[Orna] Yeah, right.
When I met Michelle and James,
they were each living in a very
separate universe.
Uh, tricky.
Tricky couple.
James was working
as a policeman.
And what kind of
police officer is he,
do you know?
I think he patrols a
certain school district.
I see.
When COVID hit, he was
home for a lot of the time.
Roles at home got kind
of tossed up in the air.
They just could not escape from
any of these issues anymore.
I already did the blue.
[James] I'm trying
to keep him occupied.
Sometimes, he doesn't want
anything to do with playing with
Daddy, so...
[child babbling]
It's-- it's periodically when
he's interested and when
he wants to do something
with me versus when he's
off on his
own little thing.
But you can make
him interested.
[child] I wanna read a book.
I tell you what, you give that
a try and tell me how that works
for you as well.
No, I need you to
do that too, though,
because you're on
the Xbox all day long,
which is part of my frustration.
All I was saying is, is you
give that a try and let me know
-how that works for you.
-No!
You-- we're not the same person.
You need to give it a try too.
What makes you
think I haven't tried?
Hold on.
Let's-- let's slow this down.
You guys need to structure it.
You need to structure the time.
Like, seriously structure it.
Yup.
smooth funky music
[Orna] This is, like, kind of
an amazing social experiment,
where couples are forced to...
deal.
There's all of this
anxiety that's stirred up,
and then we're,
like, stuck at home.
Unable to move. [laughs]
[woman] They spilled three
gallons of milk on the floor.
We have no more milk.
-Three gallons of milk.
-What did you do?!
[Orna] There's a level of
kind of mayhem that's going on.
A lot of people,
pets, it's-- it's just--
You have more
than your one pet?
You have a few pets?
I have a dog and a
cat, and they've got,
like, a whole thing
going on between them.
They have a complicated
relationship. [laughs]
I see.
I get it.
upbeat synth music
So this is us leaving the, uh,
building where we just finished,
uh, closing on our
new house, so...
We are officially
Florida homeowners.
Yes.
-Yay!
-Yes!
[both laugh]
[Orna] How are you two?
For the most part,
things are-- things are good,
right?
For the most part.
But he did
something, and as a result,
I-- I'm feeling a little...
off-- off-kilter, if you will.
Can we get into details?
He had, um, what
I consider to be,
uh, inappropriate
conversations with someone via,
um, text or email
or whatever it was.
What kind of person
are we talking about?
It was a woman.
-It's a woman-- it's a female.
-A woman, okay.
Yeah, it's a female.
I was thinking that they
were making plans to-- to...
be together.
To do it?
-Like, they're having an affair.
-[Elaine] Right, like bang.
To bang, yes.
To bang.
-For lack of a better word.
-[Orna] Got it.
[Elaine] And so, it's not
something that's gonna be like
"Okay, you
apologized and now that's it,
everything is good."
Right.
So first of all, Desean, how
are you feeling listening?
You know, it-- it-- I-- I mean,
I'm disappointed in myself.
Mm-hm.
But it was a
little bit taken, uh,
out of context.
This person and I had not
had the best relationship.
And we started to...
communicate in a different
way than we had been
in previous years.
It was just, you
know, along the lines of,
you know, "I've
changed and-- and,
you know, would love to-- to see
you now in this changed state."
And, you know, I had no real
intention of following up,
I was just being, you
know, agreeable or whatever.
It is no excuse.
It was wrong.
But, if-- you know, if
something had happened,
then I could see her
reaction that way.
And-- and my reaction to
her reaction is "Well,
nothing happened, so--"
Because I caught it.
And that's what I feel.
That being said,
nothing did happen so--
Because I caught it.
The fact that
nothing happened...
You know, the question
of "What happened?
Did something happen?"
I mean, that's always a
complicated question.
But for whatever reason, you
did something that you regret.
That hurt Elaine.
Yes.
[Orna] So something happened
that you feel bad about.
Yeah.
And we know that that is a
place that is super difficult
for you, Desean.
It's very important for
you to please people,
to make people happy, for
people to think well of you.
That's very true.
But for repair to happen,
you've got to be willing to sit
in that place for a little bit.
Sometimes, his
impatience makes
me feel like he
doesn't want to do the work
that is necessary
to move through the thing.
It-- it feels like we're gonna
constantly relive that moment,
and it-- the-- the way my
brain processes that is "Well,
sh*t, if I'm
gonna get this sh*t,
you know, then, you know,
let's-- let's make it real.
I should have done-- I should
have done something to warrant
that."
That takes me to a
different place that I don't,
you know-- I don't
like to-- to be in.
[Orna] Can I just,
uh, follow you there?
Wh-- what are you thinking of?
I don't know, I just-- it just
feels-- it feels angry to me.
It feels like, you know, it
would put me in an angry space.
[Orna] And what about that?
Are you-- are
you familiar with,
like, the Incredible Hulk?
You know? [laughs]
[laughing] From
my children, yes.
You know, he's,
like, this mild-mannered,
like, guy who
minds his business,
and then someone comes and
messes with him and he-- he--
once the Hulk is
out, it's carnage.
So, like a-- a part of
yourself that was kept very...
repressed shows up?
-Mm-hm.
-Yeah.
-It's like the Hulk.
-[laughs]
tense piano music
[Trey] This
is...two weeks in.
-We're painting grout.
-[Lara] Mm-hm.
[Trey] With wall paint.
[Lara] Yup.
[Trey] For years, so many of our
issues have occurred when we're
apart.
And here, we are spending
every waking moment together.
Um, be careful what we
wish for, of course.
I know! [laughs]
But so here we are, and
we're not having a lot of sex.
Um, I didn't walk into
the situation going,
like, "Yay, we're going to be
alone together for two weeks!
All the sex!"
Like, I'm-- I'm not-- I'm
aware that's not going to occur,
or my assumption is that
it won't-- it won't occur.
Okay, how do you
feel hearing that,
Lara?
Trey and I cumulatively
lost like six jobs.
I'm the one who's like "Okay,
here's how-- the grants we need
to apply for, here's how we
apply for unemployment and how
we do this, how we do that."
Like, I'm hustling to try to
salvage what we can salvage.
And, um, I'm feeling even,
like, less sexy in a way,
because I'm so
anxious right now.
I'm so anxious
about our finances.
So one of my issues
is Trey is more...
sexually attractive
to me when he's,
like, confidently earning a lot
of money and working and secure.
And I know that is
a fault of mine.
Like, it shouldn't
matter, especially when--
Never mind the judgments.
Let's forget the
judgments right now.
Let's just-- I just
wanna immerse myself in...
Yeah, it's hard
for me to say it,
but it's not super
attractive when he appears weak.
We're both really
weak right now,
so...
Wh-- how are you feeling?
Where are you, Trey,
listening to this so far?
From my perspective...
she lost her job two days ago.
And us-- us having sex tomorrow
is not going to affect that,
you know?
[laughs]
With Lara and Trey, their
couple is kind of based on a lot
of idealistic fantasies about
what couples and who they are
and what their couplehood is.
For her, the sex act is a place
where the fantasy of the ideal
world gets played out.
[pop] Opa!
Like, to me, it's very
romanticized and is best in,
like, a beautiful hotel
room with-- you know,
like that kind of thing.
What-- if it's not
that, what is it for you?
[Lara] It feels less magical.
It does feel like an obligation.
[Orna] Okay.
She wants a
transformational experience.
[Orna] She wants an
idealized experience.
Yeah.
Well, she says that
now, during COVID,
she's, like, over-eating and not
happy with her body and-- and
kind of...
just not happy with
herself, so forget sex.
Because she doesn't deserve it.
mellow guitar
[Sam] What ya cooking?
Um, a veggie and
sausage scramble.
-For breakfast.
-[Sam] Great.
Big stretchies.
Last year, I came
out as non-binary.
Um, I started going by Sam.
And I use they/them pronouns.
[Orna] Mm-hm.
So we just decided to, like,
take a break from all things
baby-related and see
where life took us.
And Lauren got a new job,
which was really exciting.
So we let that kind of
come into our lives and,
like, take up some space.
[Lauren] Yeah.
We had decided to kind
of invest in ourselves.
We had kind of leveraged
ourselves a little bit out
-there.
-Mm-hm.
Literally the week that we were
starting to see things pick up,
that's when it all
came crashing down.
This is my studio.
I opened in late February.
And we're gonna...
carry things down.
So basically just
have to, like, move out,
essentially.
I've been growing my wedding
photography business for three
years.
I decided in December to open a
studio so that that could be a
passive stream of income to rent
out hourly for gatherings and
community events and photoshoots
and film shoots and--
-Wow.
-[Sam] And it was amazing.
We are at the studio.
We're going to get
out of my lease.
Because I can't
rent out the space,
my business has
completely gone under.
So the next logical
step is to cut our losses.
It's a sad day.
soft piano music
My businesses were just gone.
[Orna] Yeah.
[Sam] Overnight.
I felt completely stripped of...
[Orna] What defines you.
[Sam] Identity,
yeah, what defines me.
[Lauren] And then
you were going through,
I think, a moment
of just complete...
-[Sam] Depression?
-[Lauren] Yeah.
-[Sam] Paralysis?
Yeah.
Now that we're,
like, working from home,
we're, like,
bursting at the seams.
[Sam] Yeah.
[Lauren] You know, I was still
running full-time at my job.
So, in the same space,
in this small apartment,
which you can see
almost, like, to the back--
You can see
everything. [laughs]
[Lauren] And so we can-- we
can see each other at all times.
-And, like, I'm having to be--
-Hearing each other.
You know, a lot of what I
do is I'm on conference calls
constantly.
But you're mentioning-- you're
mentioning a couple of things
that I-- I think are very, um...
endemic to this particular
thing we're going through.
Like, the dramatic...
uh, jolt of the
parameters that usually
define people, like
their work, their schedule,
and how that's all kind
of vanished in one day.
People kind of scrambling to
understand who they are and how
to orient towards their lives.
As we're watching every
day, the numbers rise,
we're hearing the sirens,
because they come right by our
-street.
-The sirens, my God, yeah.
I feel like we're all gonna
come out of this is with--
With PTSD.
Deep PTSD around-- any
individual siren right now I
hear, I-- I--
I know, now, we have the
sirens and the choppers.
[Lauren] I know, every night.
[Orna] Quite a soundscape.
-Yeah.
-Mm-hm.
[siren]
tense ethereal music
[man] The number of confirmed
cases is going up here by about
[man] US deaths near 100,0000.
An incalculable loss.
[man] The Governor said
that under almost any scenario,
the hospital system in the state
of New York will be overwhelmed.
Out for a walk.
For the first time in I
don't know how many days.
[child chattering]
[Michelle] [laughs]
You punched my hand!
Now, Mommy, can you beat Daddy?
[Michelle] Xan, hold the camera.
Damn it.
See?
It's rigged!
[James] It's not rigged, watch.
Let's switch sides.
[Michelle] On the
blue one, I kept winning!
You know, as much as we
still love each other...
we're sick of
looking at each other.
Of course.
Yeah, it's like I
almost feel numb.
Yeah, and it reaches a point
with my irritability where her
voice can just be grating.
[laughs] Wow.
And it's just like it's-- it's
like nails on a chalkboard in my
head sometimes.
I know it's not her fault.
Yeah.
[James] It's the entire
circumstance that we're in.
I don't always believe him.
I feel like he does
hear what I'm saying.
And just because
hearing that my voice is,
like, grating to him, um, I
think he chooses to ignore me.
And that does-- no,
we're not doing that,
Xan.
And that, um...
Yeah, that-- that's annoying,
that's frustrating to me.
-Well, no, I don't ignore you--
-Yeah, you do.
I choose not to say anything
because the next words that come
out of my mouth
might be hostile.
Mm.
So I wait until I've got myself
under control before I speak.
What are you
thinking, Michelle,
while James is talking?
[laughs]
Go ahead.
[laughs] Um...
J-- just mainly
that he's an as*h*le.
I mean, that he, uh--
-Tell me how you really feel.
-[Orna] But what's the thought?
You mean, like...
[Orna] I mean,
that's kind of a,
uh, a criticism, but
what's the thought?
You fantasize about hitting me
upside the head with a frying
pan or something?
-I mean...
-I don't know.
-I don't even know.
-What are your thoughts?
I-- [sighs]
Throw it out there.
Throw it on the table.
That's what therapy is for.
That I just can't stand him.
Every time, like, you
drop something [laughs] or,
like, make a mess,
you, like, look to me.
It's like a naughty child, like,
checking with their mom to be
like, "[gasps]
What's Mom gonna do?
sh*t!"
[Sam] I was doing the dishes
yesterday and I ruined her
pants.
We share clothes.
Not anymore.
Not-- we don't share
any clothes anymore.
But until today,
we shared clothes.
[laughs]
[Orna] The future is so
uncertain for all of us.
And we're supposed to
somehow keep our sanity.
[Elaine] So tell
me something good.
Uh...
today is hump day.
You know what that means.
[both laugh]
[James] I'm treating it
like a disaster movie.
You gotta have supplies, you
gotta have medical supplies,
you gotta have--
Canned food and-- and
provisions and putting together
kind of a potential
escape plan, I think.
[man] I'm just super
cleaning my hands and
using antibacterial
as much possible...
[Orna] All conversations
are sounding the same.
[man] I'm gonna go
crazy in our apartment or,
you know, all these...
[Orna] The sessions sound like
the conversations I'm having
with my friends, with my family.
[Sam] Can we go anywhere?
Should we go anywhere?
Do we stay?
[Orna] The sessions are
sounding like my own thoughts.
[Trey] It's so much
unknown right now.
I mean, I know for sure I'm
gonna be here until at least
June.
[Orna] It's like having the
same dream over and over and
over.
Your dream is not changing.
It's like "Oh, my
God, this dream again?"
[woman] I feel like I'm just
literally cleaning the house all
day.
I'm just, like, following
around him and the cat
and cleaning up the
mess that they made.
[Orna] I find that really
complicated in terms of,
like, doing psychoanalytic work.
-Yes.
-Like, everything bleeds
-into everything.
-Yes.
[Orna] And then, having
people see me at home,
I feel like I'm losing one of
the tools of analytic work.
Like, anonymity, a
certain kind of neutrality.
Like, there's just less
boundaries between everything.
But I've found, remarkably,
that because the screen is so
much closer to me than a person
across the room and the faces,
I feel the emotion more, I find
it some-- a kind of a beautiful
option that I could-- I don't
want to give up totally when
this is over.
I know.
[Trey] We still haven't
had sex since last we talked.
[Lara] It should be the
first app that comes up.
Zoom Cloud Meetings.
Download it, yeah.
[Trey] Lara has tried to
jam-pack so much into these
days.
And I very much feel like Lara
sort of lives her own life and I
don't see her much.
Um...
in the day, like, she goes into
the office and she has her Zoom
calls and she does her classes.
I do feel like it's
affecting our relationship.
[Lara] From my perspective, it
feels like I'm the one taking
care of stuff.
And it can be really
frustrating, like...
this dynamic that I mother
him, that he can't take care of
things 'cause they'll-- they
stress him out and overwhelm
him.
Like, you were trying to
figure out your unemployment.
He was just, like, hemming
and hawing and stressing.
And then you tried to
call them, and you were,
like, sitting trying to get
in touch with them all day,
which is, you know,
super fruitless right now.
And I literally got so
stressed out over it,
I went into the computer and
pulled it up in two minutes and
was like, "Here it is.
Here's the information.
Done."
But maybe you can put into
words what frustrates you
about it.
What frustrates me is the
lack of competency in the
problem-solving.
It may be a
painful word to hear,
but the word "weakness," um...
I think is the
most important word.
Is there a fantasy there?
Like, if you take
it to an extreme,
what's the far end
of this weak fantasy?
Uh, the far end,
I guess, would be,
like, uh...
not smart enough to
solve their own problems,
I guess.
And that's, like, "Oh, I
didn't choose a strong partner.
I made a mistake.
Uh, so now I have to
pick up all the slack."
What are you feeling,
Trey, listening to this?
Bummed.
[Orna] Mm-hm.
Yeah.
Yeah, that-- that--
that sucks to hear.
Yeah.
I'm getting a lot of
the brunt of like,
"You're not doing enough.
You're being lazy--"
Which I'll say is also
probably me mirroring that.
-Because I feel lazy.
-Yeah, yeah.
And I'm angry about
it, to be honest.
I'm frustrated in the fact that
she has every single hour of her
day, um, filled, um,
and that bums me out.
Why does that bum you out
that I have every hour planned?
Because I'm sitting here.
Doing what?
And you just want me to be
sitting here with you doing
-nothing?
-I-- I-- I-- I don't know.
I don't know.
-I don't know.
-[Orna] Answer.
Why-- why are you
shying away from answering?
Well, speaking honestly,
I feel like her world in
there is more important than me.
[Orna] Mm-hm.
Yeah.
You know, we're supposed
to have this time together.
We don't have it.
[Orna] Yeah.
And, like, if that's how
she wants to spend her time,
that's fine.
I just-- I had it
up on a pedestal.
What, the
spending time together?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I had thought
it was gonna, like,
solve things.
Like, I thought our problem
was not spending time together.
-Right.
-[Trey] And it's not that.
The dalliances that I had
and the affairs that I had,
they all had to do
with her not being here.
-[Orna] Yeah.
-You know?
That's-- I was able
to make an excuse.
I was able to say,
"This was the problem,"
uh, I was able to blame
something when in reality
there's-- it's so much more
complicated than all of that.
gentle ambient music
[Orna] With Lara and Trey,
no matter what he does,
somehow Lara is
not happy with him.
Not because of him, but because
she's struggling with her own--
Yeah, material.
Material.
There's an ongoing temptation
to blame the person who's right
in front of you.
When, in fact, there are deep
and profound and disturbing
issues that are rattling us all.
Because you're waking into
another version of the bad dream
that's there every day.
Every day, we wake up
to another terrible,
shocking thing.
We do not wake up
to yesterday's world.
-[man] No justice!
-[crowd] No peace!
-[man] No justice!
-[crowd] No peace!
-[man] No justice!
-[crowd] No peace!...
[man on tv] Many in the Twin
Cities and around the world
mourning the death
of George Floyd,
an unarmed 46-year-old
African-American man who died in
police custody.
-[man] Hands up!
-[crowd] Don't sh**t!
-[man] Hands up!
-[crowd] Don't sh**t!...
[woman on TV] Police unloading
pepper spray on protesters
at close-range in
Portland, Oregon.
-[woman] What's his name?
-[crowd] George Floyd!
-[woman] What's his name?
-[crowd] George Floyd!
[man] [chanting]
Black lives matter!
[crowd] Black lives matter!
[man] [chanting]
Black lives matter!
[crowd] Black lives matter!
[man] [chanting]
Black lives matter!...
It's difficult to process
a lot of what's happening.
And-- and-- and-- and--
and it's difficult to, um...
I-- you know-- find
that voice...for me.
-What voice?
-Say-- say more.
I don't want to, uh, burden you
with that-- that heavy weight of
how it affects me.
[Elaine] Why do you
think it's burdening me?
Sometimes I don't
think, you know,
you-- you, um...
that you understand.
I don't think you--
you wanna understand.
Why don't you think I
would want to understand?
I don't-- it's heavy.
It's a lot.
I'm still-- you still
didn't answer the question.
But Elaine-- but just-- you
don't-- you don't have to
convince him
otherwise, just listen.
If we're watching
something together and,
you know, I'll ask you,
"What do you think about that?"
Your response lets
me know, you know,
uh, if I should
opine in a way that I,
you know, what I really, really,
really feel kind of thing.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-Why do you do that?
-I don't know.
Keep the peace.
But do you want to try
now when we're together?
[laughs]
I-- I can't think
of anything now, no.
Try.
It's-- it's really
not, uh, not-- it's--
we don't have to talk about it.
We don't.
Where are you, Desean?
I don't know, uh...
I don't know.
[Orna] Desean kind of froze up.
And for almost half an hour,
he couldn't speak, really.
I was...very conflicted.
Because on one hand,
I felt like there's so much
grief and anger
that he's sitting with.
Tremendous.
[Orna] Tremendous.
And he needs a space to say it.
On the other hand, I felt like
white people are confronted now
with, like, "Stop
asking us to speak."
Yes.
[Orna] "Stop, it's just such a
burden on the person of color to
speak and explain
things to you."
Like, I don't know-- there's
no right position from which
to ask him to speak.
See, I think that is
exactly the right position.
Acknowledging
your position here
and how that might be
experienced by him
and wanting to therapeutically
engage him around his trauma.
Yeah.
Which means that he needed an
opportunity to learn to be able
to give it voice.
melancholic
orchestral music
[Orna] Since that moment, my
entire practice has been shaken.
There's no one patient
that kind of escaped this.
[Kirkland] Nobody gets out
of here without taking some
of this in.
None of us are immune to this.
In psychoanalytic therapy, those
are always dangerous waters
that we walk.
I don't think we can ever
get around not enacting some
racialized trauma.
I think if we do get around an
enactment it's because we're not
-there for them.
-[Orna] Yeah.
And so the treatment is bland,
it is without substance,
and therefore it does not
facilitate growth in my opinion.
I am scared, like, I am
just really scared about
where this is going.
Um, I know some folks have
been talking about a race w*r.
Mm-hm.
Where does that put you, James?
How are you in that?
My main focus is just making
sure that I'm protecting my
family, and that I'm
keeping them safe.
But is there a scenario that
you're worried about in terms of
your family?
If it ever got
completely polarized between,
you know--
[Orna] People of
color and white people.
Yeah, if it got-- if-- if--
if it became like that then,
you know, she might be able to
seek refuge somewhere where I
might get shunned.
Or vice versa.
Tell me more about how the two
of you are talking out-- how you
have been talking about it.
His family does not understand
why it's happening and have,
you know, to an extent,
been critical of...
No, not even to an extent,
they've just been critical
of the rioting.
And not understanding
why I'm justifying it.
Mm-hm.
And I'll be honest with
you, I always said to myself,
"Oh my God, if I get into a
serious relationship with a
white person, am I gonna
have to explain myself?"
And I find myself
in that situation,
now, where I'm explaining.
And he recognizes what's going
on and why it's happening and
even though he works
in law enforcement,
he definitely, um,
sympathizes on the side of,
you know, victims
of police brutality,
while also staying, um
faithful to his law enforcement
background.
That's a
complicated position to be in.
Sometimes I feel like
I'm caught in the middle.
I've made my choice.
You know, I've got my family.
You know, I've got my
wife, I've got my son.
So, at the end of the day, my--
my decision has already been
made, but, you know, sometimes
I feel caught in the middle of
things.
What are you
thinking, Michelle,
just listening to James?
Um, I'm actually pleasantly
surprised that he's sharing this
much.
Um, you know, these are
things that I kind of observed
but never really heard
him fully articulate.
That is very
helpful for me to hear.
gentle classical guitar
We had a conversation,
and we didn't agree.
Tell me.
I think it was something to
the effect of driving and being
stopped by a cop.
If you get pulled
over and he says,
"Give me your
license and registration,"
just give him your
license and registration.
And Desean was like, "I can ask
him why is he pulling me over."
And I said, "You have to just
kind of know your place," and he
got out-- outraged that I
said, "Know your place."
And I don't mean, "Know your
place," like you're this--
But--
but what?
"Know your place" is a
very loaded statement.
Right, but he didn't
take it the way I meant it.
Do you want to,
like, be a statistic?
Do you want to be
one of those people?
No!
So, as such, you give
him what he's asking for.
So you-- you were arguing for
the least amount of conflict and
the most compliance?
[Elaine] Yes.
She's being
protective, I get it,
and she's not wrong.
But I have still some
shred of integrity.
I have some shred of,
you know, I'm still a man.
It's gonna be tough for me
to acquiesce to just being,
you know, okay
with certain things.
You might be being
safer as far as your life,
but there's another price that
you're asked to pay constantly.
Yes.
And enough is enough.
I-- I, you know,
we touched on this.
You know, I-- there's-- there's
some things that I don't like
about myself.
I feel I'm too nice
in some situations.
I feel I, you know,
uh, I don't, you know,
speak up for myself in
a lot of situations.
Mm-hm.
So maybe I'm not-- if
I'm trailing someone,
I will slow my pace so as
to not make that person feel
uncomfortable, like I'm
going to mug 'em or something.
That's-- this is
what I'm talking about.
The constant maze--
what you're saying,
the maze of calculating.
Navigating
through situations that,
you know, will, you
know, foster survival.
What are you thinking, Elaine?
You're presupposing that
these people think a certain way
without really knowing.
I-- I-- I just-- I
personally can't do that.
Me, personally.
Um--
I remember you
saying a while ago,
you said, "This is not my fight.
I'm not taking that on.
I've got other fights."
[Elaine] My first experience
with that was when I was
younger.
A lot of the Puerto Ricans
didn't like me because I didn't
have straight hair
and I was dark-skinned.
The African-American girls, they
didn't like me because I had
good hair and I
was Puerto Rican.
[Orna] Yeah.
And so, where do I go?
You feel alienated
from your own community.
[Elaine] Yeah.
I'm cool with everybody,
but I'm-- I'm for my cause.
That kind of makes me take a
step back when I have these
things that I wanna talk about.
But that's my
thing against my thing.
That's my thing.
That has nothing to
do with your thing.
The whole attitude of, "I don't
want no part in it" is what
we're talking about.
But you have your own reasons
why you have difficulty engaging
with something that is very
relevant to you, to me, to you,
to everyone.
Look, I'm not black.
I mean, I'm, like, white.
[both laugh]
I had no idea.
You're laughing but, you know,
I've spent many years away
from here and then came back
to gradually understand what
the racial dynamics here are.
Maybe what's happening is you've
closed a certain kind of door
inside and Desean
is saying to you,
"Because that door
is closed in you,
I can't really talk
to you about things."
I-- I just-- it's
interesting that,
uh, you know, that
that's like that.
That I'm closed off like that.
I never thought about it.
I never thought about it!
Never thought about it.
synth music
[Orna] These kind of big social
movements can infiltrate into,
like, the most intimate
moments between people.
And make their
couples lives better.
It opens them up to the capacity
to listen to another person,
not only through
their own filter,
but really trying to hear
something new that's coming from
the outside.
People are, like, humbled.
[meow]
There's one take
that you're like,
"This is it, absolutely, I'm
thrilled about this take,"
then just--
[Lara] Trey has started
working a little bit.
Not a little bit, quite a bit.
Um, but now, I kinda feel like
I'm not contributing anything.
It's like a reversal of what we
were talking about last week.
Like, I'm not
really doing anything.
I feel like I'm not helping.
I'm not giving anything to our--
our house or our relationship
and I-- I don't know, I feel
like we've been-- we've been
bickering a lot, 'cause you're
busy and I'm feeling stagnant
and unessential and
all of those things.
[Orna] Mm-hm.
I want to ask some more
about all that you've said,
but Trey, do you
want to say something?
Two weeks ago, she said
something that's kinda gutted
me.
She questioned my intelligence,
in a matter of speaking.
Uh, just in terms
of, uh, unemployment.
So, I-- I sort of-- I sort of
put my nose to the grindstone.
I was like, "I'm gonna work.
I'm gonna change things.
I'm gonna convince
her that I'm not that."
And here I am
working my a*s off,
and she's then going,
"He's doing too much."
I sort of feel a
little bit like,
"Well, I'm damned
one way or the other."
Well, I think many
couples' issues are not really
about the other person.
But they have to do with some
way that you're struggling with
something within yourself.
Yeah.
[Orna] Do you have
any thoughts on this,
Lara?
Maybe you can say something
about feeling so closed off
physically?
Yeah, I've been
feeling a little,
like, gloomy and sad and not
knowing about our industry
coming back.
Kinda feeling like my skills are
frittering away as we just sit
here confined.
Um, so tired of feeling
bad about my body and...
you know?
All of that makes me just,
like, not want to be free
and open up physically to you.
[Orna] Meaning it puts
you in a place of hiding?
-Yeah, kind of.
-[Orna] Like shame?
Yeah, I just feel guilty.
If I'm not meeting your physical
needs and I'm not really doing
anything, like, what am I
good for right now for you?
Um, and, like, I
don't know if you, like...
if-- if intimacy
without sex is even,
like, interesting to you,
because sex is so important
to you.
That's a good question.
Wha-- what do you think, Trey?
There was, uh-- there
was a period of time in our
relationship where I think
Lara stopped being, uh...
so physical with me, um,
because any time she would touch
me, it was this
sort of Pavlovian,
like, "Oh, oh, oh,
we're having sex now?
Like, could we have sex now?
You're touching me,
is that a green light?
-Like..."
-Mm-hm.
Uh, so, she
started to, I think,
associate the act
of touching me with,
like, "Ah--
[Orna] This is a commitment
that we're having sex.
"Yeah, not now."
Well, what-- do you
have any response to that,
Lara?
I love the idea of, uh,
figuring out what intimacy might
look like without that--
-[Orna] Yeah.
-End game.
Mm-hm.
But when I think about,
like, maybe just, like...
koalaing you on the
couch while we watch TV,
like, that seems super doable.
Mm-hm.
I would recommend that
you try to do a lot of that.
-[Lara] Okay.
gentle cheerful music
[cheering and clapping]
[man] The first new
development on the road to
reopening: the number of New
Yorkers hospitalized with the
coronavirus fell to the lowest
point in nearly four months.
A day that's been months in the
making as the city takes another
step toward normalcy.
[woman] Offices, restaurants,
and hair salons are reopening
in America's biggest city.
[woman] Economists expect
some 200 to 400,000 people
to be able to return to work
today for the first time since
the pandemic began.
[man] Been a couple months.
It feels like a
thousand centuries ago.
[woman] It's been
a long time coming.
So good to see it.
I'll love you for free
I know your heart
has been broken...
[Orna] Many people are now
reckoning with big questions
that they've been
avoiding or postponing.
"Where do I
really want to live?"
Or "What do I
really want to do?
Is there anything else?
Is there any meaning in this
way that I'm living life?"
People get to ask
themselves very big questions,
and sometimes scary questions.
[Michelle] Well, I'm
no longer working.
Feel like a huge weight has
been lifted off of my shoulders.
Wow.
And now I'm able to
focus more on Xander,
focus more on
James, our home, and me.
[laughs]
[Lauren] The
timeline's changed for us.
Where it was like, actually
what's important now is more
about getting ourselves in a
place where we have some space.
So, we started
looking at like, "Well,
where else would
we want to live?"
Mm-hm.
Lauren found an amazing place
and we dropped everything and we
went up there that
day to go look at it.
And the house is perfect.
It's like a perfect little town.
But getting to that
decision, was it like a...
how was it for the two of you?
[laughs]
You know us, we don't have
trouble making decisions.
-[laughs]
-If I say yes to something,
she's like, "Okay,
great, let's go do it."
Which is, you know, exactly
what I wanted in a partner,
but also-- no, not but also.
This is how we like to live.
Like, we really enjoy
being adventurous and
will-- like, up
for anything, and--
[Lauren] Able to pivot!
I mean, this sounds
kind of f*cked up,
but, like, during this time,
it's been fun to look at
each other and be like,
"Okay, these are our limited
circumstances, what
are we gonna do?"
gentle uplifting music
So, tomorrow morning,
Lara's gonna get up and she's
gonna run a half-marathon alone.
She knows I'm gonna be
following behind her on a bike.
What she doesn't know is that we
have different friends ready to
stand and cheer for
her as she runs by.
I took your
intimacy thing to task.
Yeah, that's been
really good, I think.
We've been doing it
a lot just, like,
being intimate
without any expectations--
[Orna] Expectations of
it turning into anything.
[Lara] Yeah, that's been,
like, really nice actually.
Yep.
Weirdly enough, although you--
you're going to know that this
-is the outcome--
-[laughs]
Because, uh, you have
the plaques on the wall,
and we-- you know
what you're doing.
Right. [laughs]
-But-- but we've had sex--
-[Orna] Of course.
Uh, as you know that, uh--
It made me feel, um, I think
it-- it made me feel like my
heart was just a
little more open to him.
Like it, I don't know, it didn't
feel like a service or anything.
It just felt like something that
would be nice for you and me.
gentle acoustic guitar
[Orna] This virus,
it's like a molecule.
There-- there's no life in it,
there's no intention in it.
It's just a stupid thing that is
bringing the world to its knees.
On the other hand, people are
aware of the fact that this is a
challenge that they want to rise
up to meet with humanity and
with grace.
[Xander] Can I hug, too?
[Orna] And there's something
totally new in what's happening.
People are willing to suffer
through their own vulnerability
and tolerate the fact
that they don't always know.
We don't know what's going on.
We don't have a solution.
And sit through the ambiguity of
things and let things happen and
let things unfold.
And that's good.
That's good for the work.
[Virginia] Okay, do you-- do you
know how to say goodbye to me?
I don't know how to
say goodbye to you.
[laughs]
Meaning literally?
No, technologically.
How are we going-- how
are we actually saying--
[Orna] I press a button.
[Virginia] Oh, you
do-- you're the one?
-Okay.
-Yes, I press a button.
[laughs] [kiss]
[door opens]
-[woman] Hi.
-[man] Hi.
[Orna] Hi.
Welcome.
Thank you.
-Hi.
-Nice to meet you.
-We're not supposed to--
-Oh, sorry.
I would love to.
[laughs] Sorry.
-[man] Hello.
-I'll give you space.
[man] Absolutely.
[all laugh]
-[woman] Oh, hello.
-Hello.
[man] Where are we at?
I don't know.
[woman] I was talking
about you on the way.
-How are you?
-[Orna] Hi.
[laughs]
upbeat electronic music
I don't know what
else to tell you
Live in a different
world if you want to
So what if it
all fell through?
Well, your plans weren't
that great to begin with
I've been standing
on a mountain top
Put a scroll and my
pen to the great great
I've been
burning bushes plenty
But I can't
seem to hallucinate
Come over tonight
The bowling
alley's only a dollar
It's Monday
We'll stay for a lifetime
Your car battery's dead
I could give you a jump
Good, we're getting along
Tell your daughter
that I wish her best
And I'm not the same
man that I once was
Now, I spend my
life behind a desk
Hold your horses,
the kid got a day job
I don't know what
else to tell you
Live in a different
world if you want to
So what if it
all fell through?
Well, your plans weren't
that great to begin with
Welcome to our World! Where we serve you cookies to ensure you get the best viewing experience on our site.
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register