03x06 - Meat Sweats

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

Hey Chels!
- Hey!

Happy birthday!

How'd you know it
was my birthday?

Oh, Jenn Conch told
me about your party.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

[phone dinging]

Oh, from Jenn Conch!

Wow!

"Chelsea's surprise very
special milestone fortieth.

"Shh! It's tonight.

"Don't say anything to her."

I guess she CC'd
you by accident.

[phone dinging]
Another one incoming.

This time it's a reply all.

[in Jenn's voice]
"Oopsies! Tee Hee!

"How do you take
someone off an email?"

If she had two brains
she'd be twice as stupid.

Oh, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!

There's more.

This time she forwarded
it to the IT department.

"How do I scrub my
entire email history

"from the beginning of time?"

Here comes the brainiac now.

Hey, Chels!

So, a casual question.

Uh, what are you up to tonight?

Attending the surprise party
I'm not supposed to know about?

Who told you?

You did. A bunch of times.

Okay, my laptop has
too many buttons

so it's like a trap.

Hey, I just wanted
to let you know

I can't make to your
surprise party.

It's my first annual
Meat'n Sauna Night.

Yeah!
- Meat for six. We meet at six.

Sorry, Jenn. A bunch
of us already RSVP'd

to Taser's meat fest.

It's gonna be awesome!

What? Can I come?

Oh my god, yes!

Okay. [chuckling]

Uh, Chelsea, you have to
attend your own surprise party.

I'm just not really
a surprise person.

Well, everybody secretly
wants a surprise party.

Hmm...
- Uhhh...

Well just cancel your party.

What?
- [Todd] Why?

Feels very cancellable, right?

It's got that click
"Maybe I'm attending"

but I'm probably
gonna bail energy.

No way! I already dropped
the girls at their mom's

and I've had ribs
smoking for a day now

so they gotta be
eaten tonight.

Nice!

Well it's just that, uh,

you know, I put a big
deposit down at The Pipe.

[Todd sighing]

[upbeat playful music]

All right, I'll...

come.

[Jenn chuckling]
Sorry.

It's gonna be really fun.

It's just gonna be us
Conch gals, you know?

Girls night!
- Meat night!

Girls night!

[in unison] Meat night!
- Girls night!

Girls night!
- Meat night!

Gotcha.

[Todd].
Good one.

[Taser] Meat smash!
- Oh.

[Taser].
Meat night!

[Todd].
Have fun tonight, girls!

Sad I'm gonna miss.

[Chelsea].
f*ck you, Todd!

Who keeps stealing my lasagna?

Do I look like
Garfield's b*tch?

That's exactly what
you look like.

A hundred f*cking percent.

Luckily, I brought
my backup spaghetti.

[microwave beeping]
Four minutes!

Ice f*cking cold.

[everyone groaning]

Out of the way.
- The f*ck?

You can't just bud in line.

Oh what? All of a sudden
you're an electrician?

Yeah.

[Steph].
Oh, that's the good duct tape.

Why is a carp fixing
the microwave?

So I can do whatever I want.

Just help yourself.
No, no, no [indistinct]-

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Guys, lots of
backseat workers here.

Don't see any of you
lifting a finger to fix it.

Who the hell
microwaves egg salad?

You eat your
Cheetos with milk!

[everyone gasping]

[upbeat music]

Oh, hey Audrey, here you are!

Uh, kind of busy.
Microwave exploded.

I'm not stealing it.

So I need you to help me with
Chelsea's surprise party.

She's not really a
surprise person so...

[Jenn].
I know.

All the more reason to
double the f*ck down,

you know?

So I need you to pick her up
and take her to the venue.

Ms. Conch!
- Ummmmm...

You cc'd Chelsea on the
surprise party email!

I know that, Janet.

Don't hinder me. Help me.

Just pitch me some
fun party ideas.

p*nis straws!

Yeah, um, [chuckles] I
went to a party once

and there were p*nis straws
there and they were...

a lot of fun.

p*nis straws.

Well now you have
my attention.

Okay. Are they bendy or...

or rigid?

Rigid.

Rigid and, um, hot pink

and kind of, uh, curved
at the end, like...

almost like a question mark.

Like it was asking

do you want another
spicy margarita?

Yes I do, Mr. Straw?

[both chuckling]

[Janet].
Yes!

Um, well, Chelsea's g*y

so maybe don't hand her a drink
with a tiny plastic d*ck on it.

Good point.

I will drink them.
I will drink them all.

All right, expedite
those now, Janet.

Okay.
- Come on.

I will see you and Chelsea
tonight at the party.

Okay? Pick her up.

Oh my god!

f*ck my life!

[Homer].
sh*t!

[Todd].
Where the f*ck you
taking us, Tase?

Ooh! Wait till you see what
I got you for tonight, boys.

[Todd].
What's with the f*cking hat?

It's a banya.

[Homer].
You look like Sherlock Holmes
in the bathtub.

Jesus Christ!
- [Taser] Look it up.

[chuckles] There she is.

[chuckles] There's no f*cking
way that's up to code.

Yeah. My code.

I'm just kinda doing
my own thing. Come on!

Does it even have a
carbon monoxide detector?

Pssh. Loser detectors
I call them.

[Dewey].
Smells good.

[Todd].
You know, we could
just call 911 now

and save them a trip later.

[Dewey].
It's already so sweaty in here.

Yeah, can you pre-book
an ambulance?

Come on, man, the
heat's good for ya.

Ohh. Nice touch, Tase.

[Todd].
Where the hell did
you get these?

Not bad.

Imperial Valley Hotel Express.

Nothing but the best
for my buds, right?

Steam, sweat and eat ribs!

Yeah buddy!
- Oh h* h* h*! Yeah!

Hey, turn up the music!

[upbeat rock music]

Oh yeah.
Those look amazing!

Yeah, boys, I'll throw some
more logs on the fire.

[muffled upbeat music]

[chuckling and chattering]

Could we get some
frozen margs, please?

Make it three.

Sorry, Senorita. No ice.

Machine es muerta.

Machine no work.

Machine no work?

This is a bar!

And yet this is where we
find ourselves, sans glace.

They're here!
They're here.

They're here. Everyone hide!

Everyone hide!

Hide, hide, hide, hide, hide!

I cannot stress this enough.

She knows about this.

Woo!
- We're here.

Surprise, surprise, surprise!

Just what I wanted. [chuckles]

[Audrey].
Don't you love it?!

So, um, everyone come out,
come out wherever you are.

Surprise.

[half hearted] Surprise.

[Bev].
Happy f*cking birthday!

Oh. Hi!

Surprise!
- Oh!

p*nis straws!

Ugh. Ah...

So thoughtful.

Thanks.

[Todd].
Holy sh*t, my bag
is sweating now.

Oh god, I got the meat sweats.

Todd, pass me a beer,
would ya?

Here you go, bro.

Get her in ya.

Oh!
- [Dewey] Oh!

Ahhhhhhhh!
- [Todd] That'll work too.

[all chuckling]

[Taser].
That'll cool ya off.

Ahhh!
- That is a good idea.

Do it, Dewey!

My turn.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

[Todd].
Yeah, soak it, Dew!

Ahhhhh!

[Taser].
Come on, Dewey, whatcha got?

This is the best ever! [laughs]

[Taser].
Yes, Dewey!

[Backwoods].
Hey, boys!

Where's the meat?

[Taser].
Hey, get in here!

Close it up.
Keep the heat in.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh.
I'm sorry I'm late.

I'm ready to get crazy, boys.

Where the f*ck were you?

Oh! I was at my duck blind.

You pricks already started
eating without me?

Another beer! Medium light!

Getting rumbly
in your tumbly?

Oh yes!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. Oh.
- He's ready.

[Homer].
Yeah! Yeah!

[Todd].
Backwoods gets insane when
he's scarfing down ribs.

[Taser].
Eat up, brother.

There's more meat
where that came from.

Holy sh*t, dude.
Pace yourself.

Oh h* h* h*!
- [Homer] There's Meatwoods!

[gentle music]

Here we go.

Oh yeah!

Birthday girl.

Nice!

Boss of the birthday girl.

[Janet].
Yes!

And Janet.

Don't post that, Janet.

Too late!

No, no, Janet...

Our entertainment is
thirty seconds away.

Who... who's thirty
seconds away?

[Audrey].
What did you do?

Brace yourselves, ladies.

[Chelsea].
Oh, I don't like
the sound of that.

[Janet].
Okay, close your eyes.

Come on, close your eyes.
- [Bev] No thanks.

[Janet].
Come on, the surprise
is almost here.

I'm off duty.
- Okay.

[Janet gasping]
[upbeat music]

Ooh, high-tech.

Yeah.

It is like we're
at a rock concert.

Ladies and ladies,

happy Chelsea night!

[upbeat music]
[people coughing]

Open your eyes.
- Oh Jesus.

Oh my god!
- [man] Good to go?

[Janet].
Take it away!

[upbeat music]
[women screaming]

[Chelsea].
Oh god!

No, no, no!

[Billy].
Ladies!

[Barb].
Oh, look at that butt!

[Janet].
Surprise, Chelsea!

[Chelsea].
Ugh.

Billy? What the f*ck?

Ooh yeah!
- Ooh!

[Backwoods].
I can't help myself
around meat.

Yeah, boy.
It doesn't look good.

[Backwoods].
Makes me crazy.

[Homer].
Is it the five pounds of meat

or the twelve beer
you just drank?

[Dewey].
Small sips.

I think you're making it
worse, man. [chuckling]

This will pass.

I once had an uncle who ate
two rotisserie chickens

in one sitting,
bones and all.

He crushed a tall boy,

burped for thirty seconds

and then mowed the lawn like
nothing f*cking happened.

[loud burping]

See? Progress.

[Homer] Get it out.
- I still feel like sh*t.

The food build-up

must've reached his
lower stomach by now.

We need to exercise
it out of him gently,

like a baby.

You better back up, bud.

You better back up.

[Homer].
Work with me. Come on!

Okay.

Cool, cool!

Everyone's, uh,
looking loosey-goosey.

Yeah. Good times?

Hey, quick ask.
- What now?

You fellas help me
move a small fridge?

[Todd chuckling]

[Backwoods farting]

[everyone groaning]
[everyone gagging]

Absolutely not.

It's in my basement.

We can move it up the back of my
steps to my garage real quick.

f*ck you Taser!

If we've got the momentum,

then maybe we can get to
the L-shaped couch too.

Not f*cking happening!

f*ck you!

That's fair, that's fair.

You do your thing,
you digest,

but enjoy the freshly
scented room.

See ya in five minutes.

f*ck off!

[Backwoods farting]
[retching and gagging]

[woman cheering]
[upbeat music]

Where'd you find him?
A parking lot?

Uh, DudeDash.

It's like a food delivery app

but for erotic dancers.

[giggling and cheering]

Why?
- Sorry, Chels.

I tried to tell them.

Couldn't get a lady stripper?

Oh I could have, yeah,

but they were way
more expensive.

And besides, he's
like a local talent.

Oh and, uh, ladies,

if, uh, you could
gimme a nice review,

you know, it doesn't
have to be nothing long.

Just like, you know,
I showed up on time,

easy on the eyes,
you know, five stars.

No stars!

[Audrey].
This is not happening.

Do you think she's having fun?

[woman screaming]

Hey Chels,
happy birthday, girlfriend!

Woo!

Living the dream.

Call her "The Beast".

Half appliance, half curse.

She's been down here
fourteen years, boys.

What?

Nobody's moved her.

Not because they didn't try,

'cause she didn't
wanna be moved.

She survived a flood,

a blackout and a bear attack.

f*ck!
- What kind of bear?

Big!
- Hmm.

She may give off
some chemical smell

but she still makes ice.

[Backwoods sniffing]

And that noise.

[Backwoods].
Chemical schmengler.

It's how she talks.

If you listen close,
she'll speak to you.

[electricity humming]

Uh...
[eerie chuckling]

Sup m*therf*ckers!

[everyone gasping]

Oh my gosh!

Medhi!

The f*ck were you, man?

How was Sarnia?

Uh, Namibia, actually.

Uranium conference was
a total c*ck scratch

but happy to be home.

Where are all the kids?

Kids? What kids?

I wouldn't miss
Mary Francis' birthday, hmm?

About that, Medhi.

I just needed help
moving this fridge.

What?

He lured everyone here

and love bombed us
with sauna ribs.

Mmm.

Yeah. You always ask
why I don't trust?

This is why I don't trust.

Oh come on. I've helped you
all move some sort of sh*t

at some point or other.

Don't even pretend
like I haven't.

You helped me move
a small ottoman once

and you kept the
f*cking thing.

Oh, that's where
that came from.

f*ck it! Enough talk.

These hernias aren't
gonna bulge themselves.

The sooner we do this,

the sooner we can get
back to drinking.

Yes!

[fridge thudding
and screeching]

Oh!
- [Todd] What the?

[Homer].
It's alive!

She knows we're
coming for her.

[fridge rattling]

Fossil kit.

Sweet.

I need more meat.

Is that a sausage?

[Homer].
He's at stage eight:
Hallucinations.

Okay ladies,
break's almost over.

Don't forg to tip.

Oh, five stars for me, Billy.

[Janet chuckling]

What?

What do you say?

One more spin around the
horn for old time's sake?

Hard pass. No.

How hard?

What? You in like a relationship
or like in love or something?

[gasps] Oh, is it with that
dude down at the marina

with the pet bald eagle?

Who are you talking about?

You know, the guy with the
like tattoos on his wing?

How do you know that, Billy?

[laughs] Everybody knows.

You okay, buddy?

[laughing] Yeah.
I've never been happier.

Oh. Um...

[Billy mumbling]

Okay, I think I got it.

What do you think?
- Aw!

Come on, get your
f*cking sh*t together.

[Janet].
Posted!

Anyway, you're, like,
sticking around?

'Cause, like, I've got
this new number that I do,

real showstopper.

I could really use some
assistance. [chuckling]

Ow!

f*ck off, Billy.
Your agent's on the phone.

[Billy].
Oh sh*t!

It must be the
'roids commercial.

Oh my god, I have been
with some f*cking losers.

Girl, you gotta type.

Except for Chelsea.

[indistinct chattering]

[Homer sighing]

Is this your wedding cake?

Yeah, my third one.

Got some from the second
one in here somewhere.

[Dewey].
My lasagna!

That's my Tupperware.

What?
- My name's on it.

No, it's not.

Dewey, snap to it.

Come on! We gotta move
The Beast across the floor,

around the corner and
up those back stairs.

Oh.
- Yes.

Those look far away.
- [Homer] Oh, Christ!

Are you serious?

They're just right there.

Grab a corner and
I'll navigate.

[Todd] Seriously?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Why the f*ck do
you get to navigate?

That's the easiest part.

Four guys, four corners.

[Homer] Bullshit!
- Okay.

Look, none of you
assholes helped

when I had to move,
all right?

I had to drag a futon up
three flights of stairs.

Taser said he wasn't
built for staircases.

[Dewey].
Oh!

What the f*ck are you
actually built for?

Alimony, apparently. Come on.

[Todd].
Oh for f*ck sakes!

[Taser].
Come on. It's not that bad.

All right, I'll take
that far corner.

It's not as heavy. My back's-

No, no, no, I want that corner.

Look...
- [Homer] Back off.

I'm gonna count us in.

One, two, three. Lift!

[everyone grunting]

Dewey!
- [Homer] f*ck!

You gotta lift
when you say lift.

Okay, all right.

f*ck's sake!

Come on!

Heave!

[everyone grunting]

f*ck a duck walk!

Oh, duck walk!

What is a duck walk?

[Homer].
Shut the f*ck up
about the duck walk!

Left to right!

That isn't gonna work, Dewey!

[everyone mumbling]

[Todd].
No, no, no, it's stuck.

[Dewey].
Put it down!

[everyone yelling indistinctly]

[fridge screeching
and thudding]

Ahhhhh!

[Todd].
Are you okay?

[screaming] Oh f*ck!

[Medhi].
He'll be all right.

It's okay. I'll get it
- [Dewey] You'll be fine.

He's all right.
He's all right.

Let's keep going. This side.
- f*ck!

[Taser] Careful!
- Ahhhh! My hand!

Ah! m*therf*cker!

[Dewey] Ah! My-
- This Beast is cursed!

It should be left to die
like the animal that it is.

No!

We're taking this piece of
sh*t to the dump right now!

All right. Regroup.

Come on, guys.
- Ah! Ah!

One!

[Homer groaning]

[Dewey].
Two!

Three!
- Dewey!

And-
- If you say "lift"

and don't lift one more time,

I swear I'm gonna
fold you in half

and stuff you in
this f*cking fridge!

Okay, I will lift.

And lift!

[Todd].
Holy f*ck this heavy!

[Medhi].
Ow! My hand!

I'm pinned! I'm pinned!

[everyone groaning]

[everyone talking indistinctly]

[Medhi].
Watch out, watch out,
watch out!

[refrigerator thudding]
[liquid gushing]

Ahhhhhhh!

This thing got me
in the eyeball!

It's a spitting cobra!

And there goes the freon line.

Hey, great work, Dewey!

Hey, take a breather!

You'll be fine. There you go.

Okay. Enough!

Why are we even trying to
move this piece of sh*t?

Piece of sh*t?!

This is all I got
left from my dad.

What?

[Taser].
Yeah, that's right.

Before he got sick,
my dad loved pickling.

[Homer].
Pickling?

He stored it all
here in The Beast.

It kept him busy during
some trying times.

[gentle music]

He loved it.
He pickled everything:

Eggs, peppers, pig's feet.

[Homer].
Okay, you lost me
at pig's feet.

Sauerbraten?
- Sauerbraten.

[gentle music]

It's good.
- [Homer] Yeah.

[Taser].
And after he passed,
everything else got sold.

His clothes.
- [Medhi] Terrible!

Stereo, his prosthetic leg.

[Homer] Oh, Jesus!
- Except for this beauty.

She stayed.
- What the f*ck?

[Taser] But yeah.
- Ooh hoo! Ooh.

[woman cheering]

[Backwoods].
Ooh.

[muffled chattering]

[Backwoods].
Oh no! Billy you weasel.

Audrey, why are you
letting this happen?

Please.

[Taser].
It brought people together
with his pickles.

I'm sorry, man.
- Yeah.

Thanks guys.

[gentle music]

This is f*cked!

Oh, thanks for breaking
the mood, Backwoods.

Look who finally decided to
show up to the moving part.

You guys said you wanted
some f*cking help?

Have at it.

Let's f*cking get it!

[Homer].
Good luck!

[fridge thudding]
[Backwoods grunting]

All right, uh,
thanks for helping.

We're gonna take a break.

Good luck!

We got some ribs and
beers upstairs, boys.

Oh my god!

[Backwoods grunting]

At least I left this sh*thole

and made something outta
my life in the big show.

Hmm.

Is that you?

Absolutely, birthday girl!

What's with all
the f*cking dicks?

God. Look, I got one here.

Let me sign it for ya for
your birthday, special from me.

You know...

So, uh, what's your deal?

Like, uh, accounting?
Office clerk? Uh...

Nope.
- Oh!

Big boss lady.

No. I work for her.

[Janet].
Yeah! Yeah!

[Chelsea].
Like, look at that.

Oh my god!

You work for that trainwreck?

Send it.

Yep, it'll be on my tombstone.

Babysat a nepo baby
all day at work

and made her a ton of money.

And died lonely.

[woman cheering]

I'm gonna go get
aggressively f*cked up now.

This is forty?
This is forty?

Oh! No.

Oh, you have to take
one of these. Please.

[upbeat music]

f*ck!

Sorry.

[phone dinging]

[Chelsea sighing]

Video message? Really?

[Donnie].
Hey Chelsea.

It's Donnie again,
from CornPulse.

You didn't return any
of my other calls

so I'll get right to it.

Our VP of Operations
just stepped down.

You free for a chat?

[soft dramatic music]

[upbeat music]

[Taser].
Ah, sh*t!

[Todd].
f*ck, that thing's stuck!

[Homer].
That's not going anywhere.

I guess I can't use
my back door anymore.

Dewey, what the f*ck?

Uh, mild freon exposure.

Probably under 400 OEL.

He'll be fine.

You know, Taser,
I'm so sorry.

I didn't know your father
passed. It's, uh...

But, you know, the way
you spoke about him,

it was so, so vivid.

It was like he
was still alive.

He is.

I lied.

What?!

I made up all the stuff
about the fridge

and all the stuff
about my dad.

I wanted the fridge to
seem more meaningful

so you guys would help.

[Medhi].
Even the Sauerbraten part?

Yeah.

d*ck moves, man.
You conned us!

[Backwoods groaning]
[fridge clattering]

Ahhhhhh!

She's coming back for more!

Ahhhhhh!

[refrigerator thudding]

Ahhhh!

[Backwoods grunting]
[refrigerator thudding]

[grunts] The Beast is toast.

[dramatic music]

Sorry, Tase.
I really needed that.

Glad I could help.

[Todd] You did sh*t.
- [Homer] Useless.

Taser, your dad would've
been proud of you.

I just know it.

Were you not here for 'his
dad's alive' part or what?

Maybe.

[upbeat music]
[Taser chuckling]

Well, time to move that
L-shaped couch, boys.

Come on!

No way!
- f*ck yourself!

f*ck that!
- f*ck OFF!

I'm shot!

Oh. f*ck my life!

♪ Take the world
in a love embrace ♪

[Audrey].
What is happening now?

♪ Fire all of your g*ns at once
and explode into space ♪

[Audrey].
Ew, he's spitting on her.

Okay, bye.

[Audrey].
Oh my god, you need
to wash that mane.

♪ Heavy metal thunder!

♪ Racing with the wind down ♪

[Steph].
Okay, get back a little bit.

♪ And the feeling
that I'm under ♪

[crowd cheering]

♪ Hey! Yeah, darlin',
gonna make it happen. ♪

f*cking yes! Chelsea!

♪ Take the world in
a love embrace ♪

I f*cking love this song!

♪ Fire all of your g*ns at
once and explode into space ♪

[chants] Chelsea!
Chelsea! Chelsea!

♪ Like a true nature's child ♪

[everyone snoring]

[phone ringing]

[everyone snoring]
[phone ringing]

[upbeat music]

♪ I'm going out tonight

♪ I'm feeling all right

♪ I'm gonna let
it all hang out ♪

Okay, so let me
get this straight.

You were in the game?
You did erotic dance?

Yeah. I did. For a bit.

I did the swinging cage.

Wow!

And advanced pole. Yeah.

Those are my two specialties.

You did the pole.

No, man. I'm self-taught.

That's, that's impressive.

Oh. Yeah. I ran
as Pheromone Rush.

You know, that's ringing a bell.

Yeah, I'm not surprised.
- Wow.

You know, back then I was cut,

I was ripped.

I had a nice kind
of physique going

but now you know what I...

Come on!
I can see it.

[both chuckling]

Well, hate to leave ya
for the ladies, bud.

But yep, good.
- [Fernie] Yeah.

♪ Oh-oh-oh, get in the action ♪

Yeah, you guys coming.

I f*cking love this song!

♪ Colour my hair,
do what I dare

♪ Oh-oh-oh, I wanna
be free, yeah

Billy!
[Billy laughing]

♪ To feel the way I feel ♪

Oh!

♪ Man, I feel like a woman ♪

[Billy grunting]

[Janet].
Come on, Barb!

[Jenn].
Come on, Barb. Shred it!

Woo!

[Steph].
Come on, Barb!

[electric guitar solo]
[crowd cheering]

[Billy grunting]

Who wants tequila?
You want some?

[Jenn].
Chelsea, get over here!

[Billy].
Let's go, Chelsea!

♪ The best thing
about being a woman ♪

[Steph].
What?

♪ Is the prerogative
to have a little fun

♪ Fun! Fun! ♪

Have fun!

♪ Oh-oh-oh, go totally crazy

♪ Forget I'm a lady

♪ Men's shirts, short skirts

[Steph].
Come on, ladies!

♪ Oh-oh-oh,
really go wild, yeah

♪ Doin' it in style

♪ Oh-oh-oh,
get in the action

♪ Feel the attraction

♪ Colour my hair,
do what I dare ♪

♪ To feel the way I feel ♪

[Bev].
More beers for the ladies.

[Barb].
We're thirsty!

[Chelsea].
Tequila!

[Steph].
Come on, girls!

[Bev].
Oh yeah.

Come on, baby!

[Chelsea].
Holy sh*t, we're good!

[intense music]
[people screaming]

[intense music]