03x07 - Sibling Rivalry

[bunniefuu]

[bright music]

[playful music]

[Rodd].
Hello. Hello.

So I'm clearing
out the crawlspace.

Come across some sh*t from
when you guys were kids

You can fight
about the memories.

[gasps] Awwww.

Holy sh*t. Okay.

Why in the hell did you and
mom let me cut my own hair?

Hey, you were dumb
enough to ask,

you were dumb
enough to learn.

Lookie here. We have
early signs of talent.

[Todd chuckling]

Oh, that was grade six.
You remember grade six, Todd?

[Todd].
Barely.

sh1tting on my head.

You did this in grade six?

It was a, it was a
group project, I think.

Most of the stuff in here would
get a teacher fired today.

No doubt.

"Todd is inattentive.

"He would have more friends if
he stopped picking his scrotum

"and sniffing markers."

[everyone laughing]

Well at least it's not
the other way around.

Oh, look at this one.
"Self-driven,

"independent thinker.

"A pleasure to teach.

"The world needs
more Audreys."

Aren't you perfect?

Born a winner, baby.

Oh. Yeah, Mr. Byrd
did not like you.

f*cking prick.

I hate that guy.

[Todd].
Ah, hot damn.

Ms. Walton.

Ooh.
- [Rodd] Oh, here we go.

That was your teacher crush.

Crush of all crushes.
- [Audrey] I know.

Oh my god.
Those tight short skirts

and those long legs?

To this day I still can't
walk past a pantyhose aisle

without getting dizzy.

"Todd's not reaching
his full potential.

"Struggles with focus.
Easily overwhelmed?"

Was I good at anything?

You could run fast.

Help yourself, Dad.

Hey, I'm retired.

"Tends to panic
during presentations.

"Needs to work on this,

"especially after the
spelling bee incident."

f*ck sakes.

What was the spelling
bee incident?

It was nothing.
- It was something.

They gave the poor
kid the word bologna.

He froze up.
He went white as drywall

and crumbled like a cheap
sawhorse, didn't ya?

Bologna? It's not
even a hard word.

I could spell it now.

I was twelve.

Oh yeah? Okay. Spell it.

Bologna.

B-A...

EH! Already wrong.
- It's O. B-O.

It's B-O.

Oh, I hate that word!
- [Rodd] It's a big word.

Ooh, look at this one.

"A born leader.

"Audrey could be
Prime Minister."

Damn! I peaked early.

[Todd].
Oh, you peaked all right.

Peaked sniffing
teachers asses

and polishing apples
for extra credit.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
This is all ancient history.

Come on!

Who wants to peak
at eleven anyway?

Hey now. Well, you gotta
peak some time. Right Toddy?

Don't worry.
There's still hope.

You're not that old.

You're so f*cking funny, Auds.

[Audrey chuckling]

[soft Blues music]

I always thought Ms. Walton
was just a flirty lady

who bathed in perfume but
now I'm like holy sh*t,

maybe she actually
saw something in me.

Or maybe she wanted fewer
parent/teacher meetings.

Well it's kind of wild, right?

I mean, a year ago I was
folding jeans at Jean Machine

and now I got a
stiletto hammer,

I got apprentices asking me
where the good gloves are.

I mean, maybe I'm actually
becoming the person

she thought I could be.

Ms. Walton probably still
thinks I'm a dumbass.

I bet she tells that f*cking
spelling bee story all the time.

If she's still alive.

[clattering]

Ever heard of cutting it
in half there, d*ck brain?

Then I'd have to chew twice.

Like why make more
work for myself?

Todd. Uh, earplugs, please.

Oh sh*t.
- Let's go.

[Todd].
What's up?

There's been a mercury
spill in the river.

Was it us?
- I don't know yet

but it's a reminder to produce
that community outreach video.

Conch Cares?
- Conch Cares.

CornPulse just released a promo
called "CornPulse Connects"

and we're getting
slaughtered in the PR game.

I don't really know
much about making videos.

Do I have to be on camera?

No, you just need to
assemble the right people.

You're good at
organizing chaos.

It's not really my
field of experience.

I'll do it!

Oh yeah. I was head of
the AV Club in high school.

She asked me to do it.

I'll do it.
- Oh sh*t. One second.

Todd, I'm the only
person that you know

who can make a
video like that.

Okay, but you have
actual work to do.

What about that?

So change of plans.

Todd, you're with me.

Just got word that the
Mercury could be us

so we need to
address the media.

Huh?

Isn't that a
Head Office problem?

No. It's an
Imperial Valley problem

and we're Imperial Valley.

Just don't sweat it.

It'll be a bunch
of local reporters

you probably went
to high school with.

Okay. But if I help you
then who's gonna do the...

The video can wait

Or I can start right now.
- Wow.

Look at your initiative.
- Yeah.

All right, Audrey. It's yours.
What do you need?

Nothing.

Tanner, you're my guy.

He just got a new phone.

Come here.

Sorry. What am I doing?
- Get over here.

What did she mean by
'address the media'?

Don't worry. You're
gonna k*ll the questions.

There's gonna be questions?!

Whoa! Whoa!

f*ck man!

[chuckles] You just turned my
sandwich into a panini, man.

Thanks guy, bro.

What a f*cking day.

Okay, we're looking at
fast cuts, real people.

I want it to feel sexy.

This isn't gonna be some
f*cking lameass corporate video

where some lazy-eyed as*h*le
drools into the camera.

Okay? We are going to
tell people a story.

We are taking them on a journey
to the soul of this place.

They're gonna laugh.
- Sure.

They're gonna cry.

Let's show the world what
Conch is really about.

Okay. Uh, is this the part where
I, uh, pretend where I know

what I'm doing until
someone yells at me?

Yep. That someone will be me.

Wonderful. Yeah.

Get your camera.

[sighs] Let's get
this over with.

[playful music]

[Chelsea].
Ah geez.

[Medhi].
It's f*cking huge.

Yeah, that doesn't look great.

Yeah, thing's got its own tide.

That's not a blob,
that's a biome.

[Envirovestigate Guy].
I just finished the test.

Yeah?

Sorry. This is
above my pay grade.

Oh, that's great.
Envirovestigate is quitting.

My wife and I are
planning on having kids.

I'd like them to come
out symmetrical.

p*ssy!
- Homer...

What? I'm union.
I'm not polite.

Yo. Are we f*cked?

Yep. Royally.

[Homer].
It's like the c*m-ness
monster in there.

Look at that thing.

Please have some good news.

Oh hey.

Afraid not.
It's definitely us.

It's got Conch's
signature runoff:

Mercury, lead,

and a very familiar
amount of negligence.

Todd, we had a chat
and the media contact?

It's you.

You're the guy.

What? Not on my own.
No, no, no, no, no.

You love this kind of thing.

You used to vlog
your hangovers.

You've spoke in front
of thousands of people

on your flare
stack world tour.

Come on.

I'm the solutions guy
and we have a solution.

You need to stall
until we, uh, find one

that I can take
full credit for.

What about you, Chels?
Your Site Manager.

No, we need someone
who can speak small town,

someone who can
talk to that guy.

[Todd].
Who? f*cking beardo?

[Chelsea].
Now listen, this is our window.

We say nothing,

we look like we're
hiding something,

But I don't know what to
say or how to say it.

You do not want me
riffing up there,

trust me.

Correct, which is why I'm
gonna write you a script.

Talking points. Sound bites.
- [Todd] I don't like this.

Couple of jokes if
the vibe feels right.

You'll do great.

We got you, buddy.
- Okay?

Okay.

[Audrey].
Stick with me.

Get our first subject.

Somebody good.

Oh yes.

[Taser].
There's so much we
can fit in here.

Get your camera.

[Taser].
All right, keep it coming.

Roach.

[Auds] Video time, guys.
- [Taser] What a score. Yes!

[Tanner].
What the f*ck are
you guys doing?

Yeah, what are you doing, man?

You shouldn't be doing that.

[Taser].
Pass me a plate, man.

I'm not a plumber.

[Taser] What?
- [Audrey] Taser.

What? Oh hey. Uh...

Nothing. I own these.

Um, I haven't asked you
anything yet but okay.

Here we go.

Describe the Conch
experience in one word.

Gone.

Ow! Jesus, Roach!

The f*ck?

Where you going?

[Taser] Gotta take a sh*t.
- There he goes.

f*ck was that? All right.

Let's go get Roach.
Maybe he'll be better.

I doubt it.

Hey Roach. Quick interview.

Okay, just don't
smoke on camera.

Okay. What has Conch
done for the community?

I get free drugs and
my teeth cleaned.

What? How does that
relate to the community?

Uh, the pharmacy guy

and the teeth doctor get
our businesses right? So...

Alright, finish my sentence.

"For some it's a job.

"For others it's a..."

Job. Am I right? [chuckles]

Thanks for nothing, Roach.

Told ya.

Beauty. That went really great.

Get your own
Morning After pill.

What do I look like?
The school nurse?

Oh my god, Stephie.
I'm so glad to see you,

Honey.

It is so difficult
working with people

who don't take you seriously.

I am trying to make art.

You get me?

Hmm.

[Audrey].
You got a beautiful face.

Will you please give
me some star power?

Aww. You think you can
handle the wattage?

Let's find out.

Roll the cam.

Words of wisdom for
the Conch Cares video.

Get yourself a tetanus shot.

And don't fall off
the flare stack.

Anything a little bit,
I don't know, warmer?

[Steph].
[sighs] I got work to do here.

Don't sleep with Backwoods.

f*ck off!
- [Tanner] h*-h*!

Gimme this.
- Did you hear what she just-

Gimme this!

Okay, repeat after me.

"I feel at home at Conch."

[robotically] I feel
at home at Conch.

That's perfect if we're
making a horror film but we're,

we're not trying
to terrify people,

we're trying to excite them.

Right.

I'm gonna shout
out some emotions

and you infuse the words
with the vibe. Okay?

Got it. Yeah. Okay.
- Okay.

Happy.

[robotically] I feel
at home at Conch.

Okay. Sexy.

[robotically] I feel
at home at Conch.

Jesus.

I feel at home... at Conch?
- Hey, they're filming in here.

Just act natural.
- No, no, no.

That's not what meant.
- Your video sucks.

Yeah, man. What are you,
like, Oliver Stoner?

[Audrey].
f*ck off, guys.

Alfred Spliffcock?

Hey, did you guys
sign those out?

Twice, man.

I keel at phome at Honk.

[Audrey].
f*ck my life.

Here. Just f*cking take this.

We're done here.

[playful music]
[people chattering]

[Medhi].
Use your 'we f*cked up' voice

and try to cry if you can.

[Homer].
I wrote some good sh*t.

Let's go

[Medhi].
Okay. Here we go.

Okay. Hey. Hi. Hey hi h*.

[Homer].
Get to the cue cards!

Um, our commitment to...

What the f*ck is this?

[Medhi].
Come on, Todd.

[Homer].
You can't f*cking read now?

What are these words?

Like, it's hard to read.
Who wrote this?

I was in a rush!

f*cking read it!

We here at Crotch...

Conch.

[Homer] Did he say crotch?
- Conch.

You ever stare at
a word too long

and it stops looking
like a word, everyone?

No.

Uh, Conch?

Is that even
how it's spelled?

It's not a spelling contest.

Just read it.
- Move on.

Anyway, there's a lot of
technical mumbo-jumbo

in these notes. Uh...

Carbon trails.

Don't skip that.

River acidity.

[Homer].
Are you kidding me, Todd?

[Todd].
f*ck me.

You know what? I left my
science brain in the truck.

What's he doing?
What's he doing?

So if you're worried...
- [Homer] We're f*cked.

Don't be. I mean, this
is basically like...

Three Mile Island or...
- [man] Oh wow.

Fukushima or,
you know, the...

I didn't write that.

The Exxon Valdez,

which turned out okay.

And none of those
places complained.

They didn't b*tch about a little
radiation or glowing otters.

And, you know, they
didn't stop having kids.

Hell no!

They probably had more kids

because they
couldn't go outside.

[Medhi].
Now that's a theory.

[Homer].
Jesus Christ.

Well I guess that's gonna
be, uh, about it for me.

I'm gonna wrap it up...

[Homer].
Wrap it up!

In a sandwich.
- [Chelsea] Medhi you're up.

Pull him out.

Bologna?

[Chelsea].
Medhi.

[muted] B-A-L...

Wah!

[crowd gasping]

[Medhi] Todd!
- [Chelsea] Todd!

[Todd incoherently mumbling]

That's not what I wrote!

Blood sugar.
Blood sugar issue.

He'll be fine.

Pulse. Pulse.
Check his pulse.

[Todd sighing]

[Audrey] Hey bro!
- Jesus.

There he is.

Do you have five minutes for
my Conch Cares promo piece?

Auds, I need silence and
another drinking box.

Come on, Todd.

Everyone else is f*cking
treating this like a joke.

They're disrespecting
me and my crew.

I need you.

Your crew? [chuckling]

Isn't it just you and
mini tripod over here

with a f*cking cellphone?

Hey, I'm five-five.

Sure you are.
- [Tanner] f*ck.

Fine. You got five.

Perfect.

[Audrey clears throat]

This is General Foreman
Todd Stool.

He's also my brother.

That's right. At Conch,

we're one big, shiny family.

Some of us are
shinier than others.

And how would you
describe this family, Todd?

Oh, I don't know.

Dysfunctional.

A bunch of peer
pressuring pricks.

f*ck you, man.

Are you trying to
f*cking tank this?

Jesus, I thought I
could count on you.

Oh, come on, Auds.

You hijacked the assignment

and now I'm the as*h*le 'cause
I don't wanna smile through it?

I didn't hijack
the assignment.

Chelsea gave it to me because
I'm the only one around here

who gives a sh*t.

Well maybe if he gave less
of a sh*t about being a star

and more about being
part of a team,

the crew wouldn't treat your
passion project like a joke.

Should I still
be filming this?

Yes!
- No!

Okay.
- Jesus, Todd,

you've been grumpy
since middle school.

At least I didn't
peak in middle school.

Well, talent never dies.

[Todd].
Neither does herpes, Auds.

Doesn't mean we
make a film about it.

Hey. Sorry, Auds.

You can finish this later.

Lemme guess, sibling rivalry?

Help me.

Okay, table it.

All right. Onto the next.

Come with me.

How ya doing?
Your head okay?

I'm okay.
- Okay, good.

Listen, we're pulling
you from the media scrum.

We can't have our GF
blacking out on camera again.

It just looks a little bad
for the, you know, everything.

All right? Okay.

Got it.

Ms. Conch, you
look amazing today!

Do you have time for
a quick interview?

No, no, no, no. No time.

Just a quick conversation.

I said no.

We just need
one sound bite.

No! No time.

[Tanner] There she goes.
- [Jenn] sh*t!

Is this a janitor's closet?

Oh yeah, it's a closet.

She's so f*cking nuts.

Okay, um, through
the door then.

Can you tell me a little
bit about Conch caring

from the family perspective?

[Jenn].
Oh my f*cking god!

There's a bird
in this closet!

Bird in that closet?

No, there's no
bird in the closet.

Never mind. It was,

it was a feather duster.

Uh, anyway,

Granddaddy Conch built an
empire less on caring,

more on rules,
silence and fear.

You know, classic
founding father sh*t.

Okay, just one more
question before you go.

No, no, no, no.

I have to go
damage control

your brother's fainting spell.

What?

Oh f*ck.

That's why Todd
was freaking out.

I thought he was
just being Todd.

Yeah, you were being
kind of a d*ck.

I was?
- Yeah.

Are you
zooming in on me?

Stop that! Come on.

All right, go, go, go, go.

Well, what a turnout.

Hot damn.

Guys, I have some
really good news.

At Conch,

we are in a true partnership
with Mother Nature, right?

I mean, that old gal can
flood a town and what do we do?

We pivot.

When we leak an itty-bitty
amount of mercury

into the river,

she just, I don't know,

hides it in fishes
or something, right?

[crowd softly whispering]

[Chelsea].
Oh, no, no, no.

She keeps making it
sound like no big deal.

They'll think we're
burying barrels.

[chuckles] Oh, she
keeps talking at all.

we'll be burying the company.

You fell down again, huh?

I might have, a little.

Seems like I'm still
a f*cking f*ck up.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

You remember your
Uncle Jerry?

Like your brother?

Yeah. You remember
when you were thirteen

and you helped him after
he crashed his sea-doo

into his ex-wife's pool?

I remember him being
f*cking wasted.

And he thought he
was at the marina.

That's the day.
That's the day.

That night he phoned
me and he says to me,

"Todd's my guy.

"Todd's the kind of kid
who's ready to help out.

"If I ever k*lled somebody,

"Todd would be the first one
there with shovels and snacks."

You don't judge.
You just show up

and you do your best
when you're there,

whether it's helping your drunk
Uncle Jerry in a sea-doo

out of a pool or
comforting your community

after an
environmental disaster.

You're there.

[Jenn].
Mother Nature...

Thanks, Dad.

Hell no, she doesn't.

She just crashes
right on in uninvited.

like my Aunt Marilyn half
drunk on some cheap a*s rose.

She's k*lling us.
Let me fix this.

That ship capsized,
no offence.

I know but I
want another shot.

I've been fainting in
front of public crowds

since grade six.

Like I'm due for a win.

Well hopefully the podium comes
with a handrail this time.

Medhi.

If you're getting
back up there,

we spin this.

You don't apologize.

Anthropomorphize it.

Toxic spills don't sell but
Blobby the Safety Sludge?

That's a brand.

Give him a jingle, you know?

I'm serious.

Smokey the bear.

Pillsbury Doughboy.

It could be like the
Michelin Man meets Slimer.

People love a weird
little creep with a smile.

Well, anything's better
than this sh*t show.

Attaboy.

How 'bout you drink
some of the water?

[everyone cheering]

Well I would but I am doing
an intermittent fasting,

so, uh, no liquids
until sundown.

We need clean water
and a real apology!

[man].
Yeah. Come on!

[crowd booing]

It's a complicated issue.

Okay.

[crowd booing]

What the f*ck are
you doing up here?

I got this.

Okay.
- [man] You suck!

We're gonna fix this,

not with bullshit, with work.

And maybe sandbags,
I don't know yet.

[Homer].
What?

You know what? f*ck this.

Follow me.

[Medhi].
What are we... uh, Todd?

[Chelsea].
What's?

[Medhi].
Follow him!

Let's go!

[Chelsea].
Follow the man
with the podium.

[Homer].
Coming through.

[Todd].
Follow me. Let's go.

You want me to
drink the water?

I'll drink the f*cking water.

[soft Bluesy music]

Anybody have a container or
glass to put some water in?

Anybody?

Thanks, Conchie.

[soft contemplative music]

[Audrey].
Oh, what's he doing?

Go Todd.

[contemplative music continues]

[in unison] Ugh.

Mmm. [coughing]

[man].
Why don't you drink
the whole thing?

Not just a sip.

[crowd affirmation]

[man 2].
Let's see it.

[woman].
Ewwww.

[man 2].
If it's safe, drink it.

[Medhi].
That's it. Keep it down.

Keep it down. You got it.

[Todd gagging]

[Homer].
CH-CH-CHUGG IT!

[Audrey].
Every last drop.

[everyone cheering]

Holy f*ck! Not bad.

[Audrey].
Well done.

We all...

[loud static feedback]

[Chelsea].
Oh Jesus.

[distorted] Wait.

[Jenn].
The mercury is speaking.

We all grew up on this river.

We fished in it.

We swam in it.

We probably swallowed
some of it.

And yeah, I mean,
it's full of mercury now

but so are most of us.

When I was in
elementary school,

I broke a thermometer open
and I touched the mercury.

I thought it was cool.
- [Audrey] He did.

And f*ck it.
Full disclosure?

I licked it on a dare.

[crowd murmuring]

And then I licked it
again for attention.

Attaboy, Todd.

And I turned out
mostly normal.

The thing is, most of us
have stories like that.

We're all still here,
we're all still weird

and we're all
pretty much normal.

I'm not saying it's good

but to pretend it didn't
happen isn't gonna fix it.

We all released our pet
goldfish in this water.

Take a look at these.

Half my chompers are mercury.

I lit a jar of this water on
fire to impress my girlfriend.

Now she's my wife!

[crowd cheering]

Behold: Todd Stool
leading by example,

which in this case means
drinking contaminated water

on camera.

He's also my brother.

You got this, bro.

[Todd].
Here's the thing.

If we're stuck
with this blob,

let's own it.

Let's make it our own.

I say we name the
f*cking thing.

Yeah!
- [chuckles] Yeah.

All right. Globby.
That's a friendly name.

Nice, Dad.

How 'bout, uh, Lil' Spilly?

[Audrey].
Uh...

[Farmer].
Mercules!

Come on, yes.

Just spitballing here.

What about Blob Gnarly?

That's good.

Huh?

Lil' Spilly's just a
misunderstood puddle.

All right, I think
we have a winner.

What?! Oh my gosh!

Society made him toxic.

I want royalties.
- [Homer] Uncultured swine.

I guess this is what
peaking feels like.

Somewhere out there
is Blob Gnarly.

Good job.

You stayed upright.
You didn't sh*t yourself.

That's growth.

Do you have an extra
pair of pants?

Kidding.

You'd smell it obviously.

Oh I know.

With you trades guys it's
always about sh*t and piss

and the occasional c*ck.

[Todd chuckling]

Hey Todd.

Um, still need to
make my video

except none of the
guys will play ball.

Half of them think that
I'm filming a prank show.

I'm their boss.
I can make them dance.

Let's show everybody
that we're functional.

Awww.

You do care.

No. But I can fake
it for five minutes.

Cool. That's six
more than usual.

Okay.

Into the camera.

And action.

Yeah, well my old man
worked here and, uh, now I do

and hopefully my son after me.

It's, uh, it's not always easy

but when you're in a
jam people show up.

[Audrey].
Nice.

And it's a job where I can
be unapologetically weird

and get paid.

The big bucks.

Not a bad deal.

One of a kind, Dewey.

I care about the lunch truck.

[Audrey].
Okay. And that's...

that's all that you
wanna say for the video?

What video?

f*ck, Roach.

Conch has covered me
through, uh, two divorces,

four injuries and one
surprise custody hearing.

[Audrey].
Awwww.

That's important.
- [Audrey] Okay.

Well, if you need a
nail g*n or an alibi,

someone's got you.

[Audrey VO].
Conch isn't a perfect place

but when the sh*t
hits the fan,

people show up.

They care about the work,
the town and each other.

It's not some corporate
mission statement,

it's just how it is.

Yeah. You get the picture.

T-shirts, hats, hoodies.

All proceeds go to the cleanup
or sandbags or whatever helps.

We made this mess and
we'll deal with it because...

[in unison] Conch Cares.

Okay. Well I guess you're
not a complete failure.

Oh, high praise from a guy
who headbutted a podium

on live TV.

And who had the brilliant
idea of letting the town

name a toxic blob.

I mean, that was
Homer's idea but...

who's counting?

You know, I never gave a
damn about your report cards.

I didn't need any teacher
to tell me who my kids were.

You came out strong.
You came out smart.

You came out mine.

Oh just so you know, that sexy
crush of yours, Ms. Walton?

[Todd].
Yeah?

She was a box wine drunk.

Really?

[Rodd].
And I should know.

I banged her.

[Todd choking]

Whoa.
- What?

It was the only A I
ever got. [laughs]

Ew, guys.

I'm so jealous.

♪ There ain't no "Sunday Best"
in my bottom drawer

♪ Sunday morning I recover
from the night before

♪ And these fists have
thrown a punch or two

♪ But if you don't cross me,
I won't cross you ♪

♪ And if you'd lived my
life you would understand ♪

Honestly, the most frequent
thing that happens here

in terms of safety is, like,
dudes getting their dicks

caught in their zippers

and I don't go into
the bathroom for that.

I send Homer in.

He likes it.

The mercury blob
will be contained.

This is not our first rodeo.

I mean, it is our,
our first rodeo.

It's just not the
first rodeo...

There are plenty of
rodeos out there.

It, it's, it's
happened before.

The point is,
the technology is there.

We will clean it up.

Things will be fine.
Life will go on.

All right? We done?

Okay. We're totally f*cked.

♪ And if you'd lived my
life you would understand

♪ The Devil is a friend
of the workin' man ♪

♪ And if you'd lived my
life you would understand

♪ The Devil is a friend
of the workin' man ♪

♪ And if you'd lived my
life you would understand

♪ The Devil is a friend
of the workin' man

♪ Said the Lord might
take you by the hand

♪ He ain't gonna take
us to the promised land

♪ And if you'd lived my
life you would understand

♪ The Devil is a friend
of the workin' man ♪

[loud screaming]

[dramatic music]