02x02 - Funky Motel

[bunniefuu]

- [water lapping]
- [birds tweeting]

["Allegro" from Concerto for Two Trumpets
by Vivaldi playing]

- [sirens chirping]
- [tires screech]

- [police dispatcher] All units…
- [officer] Let's go, let's go!

[ambulance siren wails]

This is crazy. How long are they
gonna make us stay in here?

Yeah, you know,
let me go see what I can find out.

Cops and teachers,
we're both civil servants.

[officer] Sir, get back inside,
or we will arrest you!

That's what I thought, thank you.

Uh, they got, uh,
nothing new to report, so…

[Kate] There's nothing about it online.

Let me see.

Last thing you searched was
"Baked by Melissa husband."

Give me that.

[Jack] Look, there's nothing
for us to do except remain calm.

In fact, it might make us feel better

if we just ignore
all the chaos outside, right?

It's stuck.

[gasps] I found it. Oh, my God.

The police are looking for a madman
who m*rder*d ten nurses in the dormitory.

[softly] Oh, my God.

Oh no, this is from 1977.

f*ck.

This is why I said we should just
spread his ashes when we had the chance.

Oh. You knew?

You knew there was gonna be
a manhunt, that's why?

You don't wanna be here either, toots.

Oh sh*t, not "toots."

[Jack, spluttering] Okay, come on. Look.

We all just need to take
a deep breath and calm down.

Come on, everybody, do it with me.

- Inhale through your nose.
- [all inhale]

And exhale through your--

[lamp shatters]

…through your mouth.

["Spring" from The Four Seasons
by Vivaldi playing]

[crickets chirping]

Why do you mock me,
you fuzzy son of a b*tch?!

[growls]

Fanculo!

Okay.

Hey.

So, why didn't you tell me
there was Anne and Ginny drama?

You were so excited
everyone was together again, you know.

I heard you humming Randy Newman
while checking for ticks. Don't be mad.

No, I'm not mad,
but I feel like I made it worse.

Oh.

- [Jack] Maybe I'll go talk to them.
- [Kate] I don't know.

No, it's my fault.
I can't just do nothing.

You so can. I do nothing all the time.

I saw a lady faint in the grocery store.
I froze. She hit her head.

[Jack] Guys, look,
I know we're all tired and hangry,

but since we're trapped here anyway,

it might be
a nice opportunity to clear the air.

Jack, no.

I know it's uncomfortable,

but you two are both good people.

Both strong, fierce women.

- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- God, you suck.

See? Some common ground already! Huh?

Look, I truly believe that this is one
hard conversation away from being solved.

Okay, fine.

Ginny, I never expected
to be in charge of Nick's estate.

I wanted to go through proper channels
and handle it the right way.

By ignoring my calls and emails.

I was advised that child support is
typically handled after the child is born.

So what, I'm just supposed to…

[pops lips] …give birth

and then, quick,
walk on over to Pottery Barn

and buy a baby crib in my hospital gown?

Okay, okay, both valid points.

You decided to fight dirty and sue me.

Because I am worried

about money for this baby,

and you, meanwhile,

are sitting on two houses and a boat.

Because Nick was too busy humping
his way through our Marriott points

to sign the divorce papers.

[Ginny] And there it is.

{\an8}- That's what this is really about.
- What?

Dragging your feet on purpose
'cause you still resent me.

I was waiting until the baby was born!

I mean, if I wanted to be an as*h*le,
I could have been an as*h*le.

My lawyer wanted me to ask
for a paternity test.

[gasps]

- [scoffs]
- Uh, Ginny, wa--

[door lock clicks]

["Allegretto" from Symphony No. 7
by Ludwig van Beethoven playing]

Oh.

f*ck off, all of you.

And by the way, this is my area now.

Okay, well, rocky start,
but we'll get there, huh?

Maybe everyone's just hangry.

Keep saying "hangry." It helps.

[sighs]

Hey, let's go check out
the manager's office for some food.

- I can go with you.
- No, we got it.

Did it seem like he was mad at me?

Seems like everybody's mad at everybody.

I was honest with him,
and now he's punishing me.

Oh, man, look,
just get ahead of it and say sorry.

I-I apologize to Kate
for sh*t I didn't even do.

Rain, her hating a movie,

me cheating in a dream.

But I'm not sorry, Jack.

I'm allowed to say how I feel
and not back down.

- Right?
- [sighs] Of course.

- Yeah.
- Hmm!

Hey, you know what?
I bet there's food in that Snack Shack.

I mean, the cops are up the road now.
We can just break into the--

No, no, no, we can't. It's too dangerous.
That's what they said.

Weren't you in the Italian army?

I played the trumpet.

Man, Jared is a slob behind the scenes.

[Danny] Food, food.

Come on, tuna.

Something. Nope.

All right.

Do you think that Nick and Ginny
planned this baby?

Probably not.

Most babies are unplanned.

Jack and I hemmed and hawed

about when would be the right time
to have a kid, and then one weekend,

Wegmans had a sale
on margarita mix, and boom.

Hmm.

Wait, are you thinking
about having a baby?

No. I don't know.

- Stop looking at me like that.
- When did this happen?

If I had a dollar for every time you
told me, "Thank God I don't have kids…"

Girl, you'd have like $60. Calm down.

[sighs]

At first we didn't want them.

We weren't willing to give up our youth,
beauty, or freedom the way you all did.

We weren't using any of that stuff anyway.

At times we'd think about it
more seriously,

but we were never on the same page.

It's so hard when you don't have
a biological clock.

Sure, Danny.

It is! It's not like we can have
a margarita baby.

We both have to be 100% sure
at the same time

through every step of a long process.

Okay, that does sound hard.
So… do you want a baby?

I don't know.

Maybe.

I've been asking myself what this
next chapter of our lives is gonna be.

I mean, Nick died, and I didn't.
Shouldn't I do something meaningful?

Not just redo my kitchen
over and over again?

Okay, so what percentage sure
are you right now?

Forty-two.

- Holy sh*t, that's high.
- It is?

Yeah. Jack and I combined were like 13.

Anything over 60 and you're basically
one of those TLC families

that has a blonde child
every eight months.

Are you gonna tell Claude?

Maybe, if we survive the night.

Okay, here we go!

Oh! Thank you, Jared.

I forgive you
for leaving us all to die. Come on.

Okay. There is no food,
but there is vodka.

It says "for clean treadmill" in Sharpie
on the side, but it's fine, I tasted it.

Who wants some?

- Gimme.
- [sighs]

[Kate] What are you doing?

I think there's food in this cabinet.
Smells like peanut butter.

[sniffs] Maybe there's cookies inside.

Are you trying to guess the combination?
Why don't you just smash it open?

Well, I'm not a smasher, I'm a fixer.

There's enough broken things in the world.

You think it's written down somewhere?

[Kate] No, I don't know
if Jared is that organized.

Okay.

Someone in the West Village
would pay 18 bucks for this.

Honey, I know this weekend
isn't turning out how you planned,

but they'll work it out.

No, look, this is the kind of thing,
if you don't deal with it right away,

it'll get toxic,
like that black mold in our basement.

- Yeah, by the way--
- I still haven't called the guy.

[cell phone vibrates]

Hmm.

- Marathon app says you just logged a run.
- Oh, uh, yeah.

I set it to add my runs automatically,
I didn't want to forget to log any miles

and then accidentally mess up
the training schedule.

But the whole point of the app,
though, is that it doesn't let you forget.

I'll go on later and fix it.

Okay.

I'm gonna go try again with Anne.

Oh, I don't know. I've never seen
anybody that angry on a swing before.

[Jack] Anne?

Anne?

Anne!

You're in my area.

Look, I am-- I am sorry about earlier,

but I know you.

You are a kind and generous
and all-around great gal, right?

And-- And I cannot begin
to understand the complicated feelings

you must be having towards Ginny.

I know you want to do the right thing,
but at the same time,

there's a part of you that's having
a hard time forgiving her.

- Please just leave me alone.
- You know I can't do that, Anne.

Look, I get it, all right?

With Nick gone,

you gotta make sure that that money
lasts you for the rest of your life.

And plus,
you got Lila to think about, right?

But if you could just look in the mirror
and ask yourself,

Anne, what is this really about?

You want to know what this is about,
Jack? I'm a f*cking moron.

That's what it's about.

I am literally paralyzed because
my executive functioning is for sh*t.

My lawyer sent me these huge binders
to decide if I wanted

to put the money in a TOD account
or liquidate the bonds into an IRA.

Can't do it before this day, but have
to do it before this day, because taxes.

And you know what I did instead?

I put the binder in the freezer.

To punish it.

Well, what if you keep it simple?
You just sell the boat--

I can't sell the boat, Jack,
because I traded it for two donkeys.

What the fairytale f*ck?

[spluttering] Two? Why two?

Because someone told me that you have
to have two or else they'll go insane.

Oh, that's true. I've heard that too.

So, everyone,
there will not be an Anne 2.0.

The original has turned out
to be a factory reject.

And you know what the sad thing is?
I really wanted to do a good job at this.

I wanted everybody to be
just blown away by how generous I was.

But instead,
old Annie has sh*t the bed yet again.

Oh, great. And so you heard all that.

Fantastic.

Uh…

[Anne] Sir! Please come k*ll me!

["Allegretto" from Symphony No. 7
by Ludwig van Beethoven plays and fades]

- Hey, why don't you take a little break?
- No, everybody's starving, all right?

And I learned a trick from YouTube.

{\an8}You just pull down as you're turning,
and you can feel the catch.

Right there.

Final number's a nine.

So this should…

sh*t.

You know what?
We're all going a little stir-crazy.

What if we run around the room,
jog a little bit?

Get some-- Get some steps in.

You run tiptoe like that?

I think I run differently outside.

You're gonna destroy your Achilles
by marathon day.

My brother in Christ,
she will not be there on marathon day.

What? Yes, I will.

What's the first song
on our running playlist?

Main Theme from…

- Cars.
- …The Last…

of…

Star Wars.

…the Mohicans.

[laughing]

I really wanted to do this with you.
I just hate running.

I'm sorry. Please don't be mad.

I'm not mad.
I mean, I'm a little confused.

[lock clicks]

Yes!

{\an8}"Rat Away. Peanut butter bait bricks."

- I'm going to the Snack Shack.
- No, Jack, the cop said stay inside.

No, it's fine. I got it.

Jack, no.

Yeah. The g*nman has a g*n.
That's why he's called that.

Guys, I'm good. I'm good.

[TV announcer] An important message
for Americans aged 50 to 85.

- [woman] Oh, my gosh, you're still using…
- Sorry. I finally got the TV to work.

[TV playing] The kids can just sell it
to pay for my funeral.

It's a good thing you have life insurance.

- Life insurance?
- What show is this?

[Beethoven's "Allegretto" continues]

[twigs snapping]

[lights buzzing]

[Beethoven's "Allegretto" intensifies]

Da f*ck?

[grunting]

[yelling]

[objects clattering]

[crickets chirping]

I made espresso martinis.

- Not bad.
- Oh.

I filled the Keurig with vodka
instead of water.

- [both laugh]
- Should I be a scientist?

Oh.

Mm.

[Danny sighs]

I've been thinking about the conversation
we had coming down the mountain.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry, amore.

I didn't mean to make you feel bad.

Listen, it doesn't matter
who didn't want a baby when. Okay?

All that matters is now.

Agreed.

And if you're thinking
about having a baby--

I'm definitely not thinking
about having a baby. Are you crazy?

Hey, our life is perfect the way it is.

I love you. I have no regrets.

Yes, no regrets.

I love you.

And I love our kitchen.

[door crashes]

I got nachos!

[Jack laughing]

Did you cut your head?

[laughing]

[mellow music playing]

[crunching]

[Danny] Whose Rottweiler is this?

[light laughter]

Believe me, it feels as gross as it looks.

Ignore him, Ginny.
Pregnancy hunger is no joke.

Oh, my God,
I remember once while I was nursing Lila,

I ate a 14-ounce steak
with one hand like it was an apple.

[all laugh]

I still remember sucking meat juice
out of her little hat.

- Oh, my God.
- [Anne] I loved breastfeeding, though.

The only thing Lila needed to survive
was, like, me and my body.

- I just felt so powerful.
- You were good at it.

Remember the time my milk duct clogged
so bad that my breast turned purple,

and I just kept going.

Nick sneaked us a picture of that.

- No.
- It was disgusting.

I still have it as the photo
that comes up when you call me.

- No, let me see!
- Wait, do you have my phone?

[Anne] Oh, my God.

[Kate] I never
got off the ground with nursing

'cause I was so wrecked from delivery
and I missed my epidural window.

Ginny, whatever you do,
do not miss your window.

Oh, I'm planning on going natural.

Oh, for sure. Great, you're gonna--
Yeah, you're gonna do great.

Oh! Looks like a smooshed plum.

Remember when Beth was like a week old
and she spit out that huge blood booger?

- Yes!
- Yeah, we ran to the emergency room.

Turned out it was just something of mine
that she swallowed during birth.

Ma'am, I am eating nachos.

[all laugh]

It was like this.

[Jack] Just saying…

Nope.

…these babies teach you right away
to stay nervous.

You know, I was
in the delivery room with my sister.

Because her boyfriend,
the f*cking b*stard, wasn't there.

He has since died, thank God.

Anyway, Marlena was pushing and pushing
and pushing, and then what comes out?

A foot.

- Oh, no!
- [Claude] Uh-huh.

What the f*ck do I know? I'm 20.
I'm like, "Oh, my God, so cute, a foot."

Everybody starts screaming.

This doctor, she comes
and put her hand up my sister

like she's trying to get crackers
from a vending machine.

And the next thing I see,
they cut her belly.

They move aside her intestine.

And I say to Marlena,
"Your baby's coming. It's all right."

"It's gonna be all right."

Claude is very brave when he needs to be.

Well, anyway, at some point,
they lift out this… creature.

I mean, it's all covered in blood.
They suck the mouth, the nose.

Everyone is so quiet.

And then, she cries.

Guys, oh, my God.

When they put it in my arms,
I'm like, I think,

"A moment ago, this was just an idea.
Now, here she is."

"This little person I will love forever."

She's a miracle.

It's a miracle.

[Ginny] Guys…

can we talk about anything else?

Look, I know you're not trying
to scare me on purpose,

but honestly,
your stories are very terrifying.

Uh, Ginny?

- What?
- [all yell]

f*cking hell!

[Jack] What the hell was that?!

Thank God they caught him
before anyone got hurt.

I mean, other than his roommate,
whose p*nis he bit off.

[Ginny] He was someone's baby once.

- [crying]
- Okay, Ginny.

I think you're getting tired.

[sniffles] Yeah, I can feel it.

I'll see you guys in the morning.

- Yeah.
- [police siren wails]

[pensive music playing]

Hey, I know that you're not legally,
uh, allowed to talk to me or whatever.

I just want to make sure you were okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

- [sobbing]
- Oh, no.

No, no, no.

[Ginny] Honestly, Anne,
I am so overwhelmed.

[sniffling]

Oh, I wanted
to do this with Nick, you know?

[sniffles]

Cove is gonna need his father, and…

Yeah. Fathers aren't really that helpful.

They mostly just stand around
and wait for you to tell them what to do.

[laughs]

Mm, I don't know,
at least twice a day I think,

"What would Nick say if he were here?"

I mean, I know what he would say.
He would say,

"You can't live in a fourth-floor walk-up
with a baby."

[chuckles]

"If you want to have a water birth,
you have to do it at a hospital."

Oh, my God.

- He literally did say that last one.
- Sure.

Do…

Do you think he would've liked the name?

Oh.

- No.
- Oh.

No, he would say,

"You can't name a baby Cove."

"There's never gonna be
a Supreme Court Justice Cove."

Yeah, I had a feeling.

Yeah, this is weird, but I actually
do know what boy name he wanted to use.

Uh…

- I never got lucky again after Lila.
- Mm.

If he had a son, he always wanted
to name it after his great-grandfather.

- Oh.
- No, not "Oh."

It's a real doozy.

[both laugh]

[Ginny] Mm.

I just wish
I didn't have to do this alone.

[water running]

Ugh! Oh, my God, this light.

I'm so pale, I look like Jack.

Oh.

So,

that conversation we had earlier…

What would you say if I said
I am thinking about it?

Oh, um…

Well, I would say
let's think about it together.

Hmm.

"It" is a baby, right?
We're talking about having--

Yes.

- Yes.
- Yeah, okay.

[gentle music playing]

Okay.

They better not make us
pay for this room tonight.

Yeah, and did you see one of the cops
destroyed the Snack Shack?

[Kate] No.

Hey, I'm really sorry about the marathon.

Yeah, so what were you doing when
you were supposed to be doing your runs?

I would walk
to that little Italian deli in Demarest

and eat a full pork sandwich
while sitting at the bus stop.

[chuckles] Ooh!

Sexy.

[laughs]

Why didn't you just tell me?

I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Makes sense.

Wait, no, it doesn't.
You hurt my feelings all the time.

- Are you… worried about me?
- No.

I'm just keeping my eye on you.

Well, you don't have to,
because I'm doing good now.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Thank God.

[tender music playing]

Holy sh*t.

Kate said it was a cop.

["Allegretto" from Symphony No. 7
by Ludwig van Beethoven playing]

All right, but this is the last time.

[music turns lively]

[chuckles]

Come on!

[Beethoven's "Allegretto" continues]

- Look at it.
- [Kate] You got this.

- Bluebird.
- [Kate] Go, go. Nice.

[birds tweeting]

No.

[Ginny chuckles]

[inhales deeply]

God, he was big-boned.

[Anne] Oh, Jesus.

Bye-bye.

Should I just…

- [gasps]
- [Kate] No.

[Danny laughs]

Should we…

- Yeah.
- Okay.

[Jack] Okay, well, guess that's it.

Anyone else have anything
they'd like to say?

- We're having a baby.
- Ginny's moving in with me.

[all laugh]

[excited chatter]

["Spring" from The Four Seasons
by Vivaldi playing]

[music ends]