02x04 - On the Boardwalk

[bunniefuu]

[waves crashing]

[seagulls cawing]

["Summer" from The Four Seasons
by Vivaldi playing]

[Eugene crying from cell phone]

[whimpering and cooing]

[seagulls cawing]

Good, Gino. Drinking the whole…

- [Ginny gasps]
- Oh!

I just made one.

- I didn't know that you already--
- Oh, yeah, we're good.

It's a big milestone, actually,

'cause this little guy
slept through the night.

No! Good boy!

Well, five hours, but… Oh, it's amazing
what a little extra sleep can do.

I feel so awake.

I also came up with,
like, five business ideas.

One is for a fitness app
that has a storytelling component.

And one's a fitness app
that links with your aura.

And then one's a fitness app that, um…

Okay, you know what?
I think they're all bad,

but I-- I feel really good.

Come on. You can burp for Mama.
I don't know why he's not--

- Here, let me try.
- Yeah, um, okay.

[in raspy voice]
I can try it. I could try it.

Yes, we're gonna get this.

We're gonna get these burps out.

[Eugene burps]

[laughs] Oh! You got it.

[in playful raspy voice]
Gino always saves his best burps for me.

Thank you.

Uh, so where-- where were you?

Oh, I, uh, went for a walk.

Oh, no, but in the middle of the night
you weren't in bed. [chuckles]

Yeah. I, uh, slept outside.

I was really drunk,

so I just, like, basically passed out
in the gutter outside the house.

What? Oh, my God!

No, that's a lie.

I had sex with a man.

- [gasps]
- Please don't tell anyone.

[shaky gasping]

["Summer" from The Four Seasons
by Vivaldi playing]

[Danny] I need that house. Buy me that.

- [laughing]
- [Kate] Good morning.

- Hey. Morning.
- Hey, I'm making breakfast.

Just don't do that thing
where you make one plate of eggs

and somehow 35 pots and pans
get dirty in the process.

But then we can have fun
washing dishes together!

I could snap the towel at your butt.

[laughing]

- [Jack] Whoo!
- Okay, we get it.

You had sex. It's gross. Grow up.

- [chuckles]
- Are you gonna hang out with Mark today?

I don't know. I texted him,
and he wrote back, "Can't. Family thing."

You think we weirded him out?

Yeah, he's probably had enough of us.
I would leave it. I would just leave it.

Oh, no. We're out of eggs.
I'll get more today.

Oh, don't bother. We're leaving tomorrow.

No, we leave Monday.

Yeah, it's Sunday.

[Danny and Anne chatter indistinctly]

What's happening? Are you… crying?

I don't know,
I just got sad all of a sudden. Sorry.

Oh, my God. Well, here.

- Don't touch me! It'll come out.
- [Jack] Okay.

I'm uncomfortable.

[sniffling]

- [Jack] What's going on?
- Nothing. No, I just--

I think I'm just sad
that vacation's coming to an end.

You know, I don't want to go back to work
and normal life and…

Our house?

You know what I mean.

We're just--
We're just having a lot of fun, and…

you're your old self here.

So it's not home. It's going home with me.

No, that is not…

what I…

Hey, this sentence is not making me
feel better the slower you say it,

so I'm gonna go for a run.

I'll work on being less of a bummer.

Jack…

[sighs]

How? He didn't even cook anything.

Chic? Or Anne of Green Gable?

Chic because Anne of Green Gable.

Hey, guys. How's it going?

- [Danny] Hey.
- Is Jack home?

- Uh, he's out for a run.
- Oh. Okay.

I-I took his vape by accident.
Maybe you could give it back to him?

And also, there's something
in here for Anne.

- Oh, she's home. Want me to get her?
- No, no, I'm late for a family thing.

So see you later.

Bye.

Wait.

Wait.

Okay, now.

[gasps]

- [laughing]
- Did you know about this?

I did not know.

Oh, good for her!

[speaking Italian]

[in English] She deserves to be a wh*re.

Oh, hey. Brenda just emailed.

"Checking in because another family
wants me to be their surrogate,

but I loved meeting you guys."

She wants to know
if we're still considering her.

I don't know. Are we?

I think so. I liked her.

- Should we tell her that we're in?
- Let's talk about it when we are home.

We should never make
a big decision on holiday.

That's how I came from Bermuda
with the crystal statue of Cinderella.

- Come on.
- Okay.

- Do you not want to do it?
- I just want to keep talking about it.

If we keep talking about it,
we'll never do it.

[Danny sighs]

I know it's scary.

I'm nervous about it, too.

- At some point, we have to take the leap.
- I don't want to do it.

What?

I'm sorry.

I've just been thinking
about how much work kids are,

how tired new parents are. That--

I worry we are too old.

We are not too old.
You saw me at my high school reunion.

I looked like a celebrity
at a charity event for bald, fat men.

Listen.

I know we could do it.

All I'm asking is, should we do it?

Yes.

Well, at this moment, I think no.

So we keep talking about it
when we're home.

We'll figure it out. We always do.

See you later.

[gentle music playing]

[sighs]

[upbeat music playing]

Mwah!

[laughs]

Go faster or let me ride in front of you.

No.

Danny!

Oh, sh*t. Okay.

Park my bike.

[Kate] I hate this bit.

I'm not picking up your bike.

Ugh.

Wow!

Okay, 655 Ocean Lane!

Wow! I mean,
the wallpaper is Midwest funeral home,

the storks can go f*ck themselves,
but the house!

Ha! If we were smart, we would buy it
and turn it into a bed and breakfast.

Oh, I'm in.
I will retire early and run it.

And then when our husbands die…

Claude, botched facelift.

Jack, perforated rectum
from too many unnecessary colonoscopies.

[whispers] We'll live here together.

[sighs]

Can we do it now?

[laughing] Claude's pissing me off.

Oh, is it because of his bonnet?

The surrogate asked
if we were still interested.

But now all of a sudden,
Claude thinks that we're too old.

Oof! I mean, I get it.

No, b*tch. You're supposed to say,
"You're not too old. How dare he?"

I'm sorry. You are very young.

You-You-You told me who SZA was.

Do I know for sure, for sure,
if we should do it?

No. But I do know
we can't keep talking about it.

We're either never gonna do it,
or we're gonna become two Tony Randalls

who feed our baby applesauce
that we also eat.

Okay, if you're really having trouble
making a decision…

- My therapist has a book.
- No. Absolutely not.

- The Three Magic Questions.
- I'll k*ll you in your sleep.

It really helped me decide whether
I should do Invisalign for a third time.

- I decided, possibly at a later date.
- There's nothing to decide.

At this point,
we just need to push through.

Yes, you could push through,

or you could seriously consider
Claude's concerns.

- Like, is this right for both of you, or…
- Hi. Brenda?

We are definitely still interested.

What are you doing?

I'm pushing through.

["Presto" from La tempesta di mare
by Vivaldi playing]

Man, there is nothing like a long run
and a dip in the ocean

to make you feel totally at peace.

Oh, d*ck, I swam with my wallet.

Hey, I think I'm gonna
take the baby in for his first swim.

Oh, honey,
he hasn't even had his shots yet.

You're gonna take him in a fish toilet?

[laughs] I'm not gonna dunk him.
I'm just gonna dip his little toes in.

My yogurt card. sh*t.

Listen, you are the mom.

Whatever you think, it's fine.

[Jack] It was fully
punched out, too. sh*t.

No, it's… It's probably a bad idea.

Wait, there's Mark.

Mark!

- Mark!
- [Claude] Just stop, Jack, please.

God, this is because
of the swinger thing. Mark!

Come on, Jack.

Mark!

Mark!

Jack, it could be for many reasons.
Perhaps stop screaming "Mark."

I gotta explain myself.

What?

Jack! Come back! Why?!

- Wait, is that the guy that you--
- [mouthing] Yes.

Shh!

- Hey, buddy, listen…
- No, Jack, no.

Oh, my God! You did have a family thing.

Oh, I'm sorry!

Sorry!

Sorry, sorry. Congrats.

["Allegro" from La tempesta di mare
by Vivaldi playing]

Well, catch us after!
We're right over there.

Sorry again!

So, are you gonna tell me
why you were crying this morning?

Oh!

I don't know.

Our house has just been
kind of a bummer recently.

Because of the chevron backsplash?

Do not use your powers against me.

When I ask Jack if he's feeling better,
he says yes, but something's off.

At night, he barely talks to me.

He just zones out on the couch
watching SportsCenter.

Like when he's high or all the time?

Well, Jack doesn't get high.

Okay, not a big deal,
but maybe a big deal for you.

Remember back in college
when I took you to a Cypress Hill concert

and you asked me,
"Do you think anyone here is on drugs?"

- Yeah.
- [chuckling] Well…

[tense strings from "Summer"
from The Four Seasons by Vivaldi]

Oh, no. What's on that thumb drive?

Oh, sweetheart.

I love these.

Hey, Jack.

Hey, man.
I hope I didn't ruin the wedding.

Oh, God, no. Nobody even cared.

Except the photographer,
who says you're in every picture.

Hi, guys. Hey, Anne.

Hey, hi.

[chuckles nervously]

Hey, we're all going to the boardwalk
for our last night. You in?

Oh, uh…

Yeah, maybe.

Yes. You should come.

If you're, I mean, free.

Okay, great. Yeah.

I just gotta go to my niece's reception,
but I can dip out early.

It's not even my goddaughter.

Awesome.

[laughing] Okay, awesome.

Cool.

- I'll see you later.
- [Claude] Okay, then.

- "Cool"? Why am I… "Cool."
- No, that's cool.

That is cool. You are cool.

Yeah, you're cool.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Mark Brett dropped this off for you.

Okay, okay. I cannot emphasize enough
how not a big deal this is.

Then why are you hiding it?

Because we don't have to tell
each other everything.

I know you still Google your high school
boyfriend, but you don't tell me that.

Because he cheated on me,
and I like that he's ugly now.

[sighs] Look, at the end
of the school year,

I had a bunch
of confiscated vapes from the kids.

So you started using them?
How often are you doing this?

Not often. Just, like, at night.

Every night?

So-- So when I'm suffering through
SportsCenter with you, you're high?

I'm not high, all right?
It's like a glass of wine.

I could do the Saturday crossword.

Not Pizza Man! You'll die!

[mischievous waltz playing]

I guess I'll find out for myself.

[sighing]

[humming]

Hey, honey. You know, if you want
to go on the boardwalk tonight,

I'm happy to stay home with Gino.

Nope, that is okay.

[sighs] I'm gonna bring him.

Oh. Are you sure?

It gets pretty dirtbaggy after dark.

The other night I saw a woman
with a Three Stooges tube top

headbutt her boyfriend,
and her boob popped out.

Well, I think we can manage just fine.
I'm the mom, right?

Yeah, no, I'm just saying
I'm happy to stay home.

I know you're happy to stay home,

because then you would not have to see
the man that you had S-E-X with.

Okay, you got me, I'll go.

Hey, who's ready
to hit the boardwalk, b*tches?

["Santeria" by Sublime playing]

- Whoo!
- Winner!

[bell ringing]

♪ I don't practice Santeria ♪

♪ I ain't got no crystal ball ♪

♪ Well, I had a million dollars, but I ♪

♪ Well, I'd spend it all ♪

[indistinct chatter]

Wait, you guys!
Should we stop and get beers?

But they have live music,
your greatest hate.

Honestly, it's a vibe.

Uh, Katherine, are you blazed?

Danny, I did a drug.

I've decided I'm gonna
buy beers for everybody.

Beer, beer, beer, beer. Ginny?

I will pump and dump.

[all cheering]

Wow. Honestly, I get why you do this.

If I did this every night,
I wouldn't feel so miserable all the time.

You feel miserable all the time?

Hey, guys!

Mark Brett!

[laughing]

Hey, man.

Hey, guys.

- Hi, Anne.
- Hi, Mark.

Hey.

Guys, do you think anybody is gonna
judge me for drinking with a baby?

On the Jersey Shore boardwalk?

- [cackles evilly]
- [all laugh]

So, I'm sorry I snuck out this morning.

Is that what happened?

I assumed I rolled over and the Aerobed
launched you out the window.

I just, I didn't want it to be awkward,

and I think maybe
I got in my head a little bit.

Hey, look, no pressure from over here.
You're leaving tomorrow, right?

This is the last night
we're ever gonna see each other.

- Yeah.
- [chuckles]

So we don't have to worry
about impressing each other

or wonder where this is going.

Uh, it's going nowhere, baby.

We can do everything wrong if we want.
Watch this. I love you, Anne.

- Okay.
- [laughing]

Well, let me try.

That baby over there is my late husband's.

What!

[laughing] See? Nothing matters.

Yeah, a trashy summer fling.

This could get weird.

♪ Spring'll soon be gone ♪

♪ Wildwood days ♪

♪ Summer's coming on♪

♪ Wildwood days ♪

I got your crotch!

It looks like you peed your pants!
You peed in your pants!

♪ Lots of summer love ♪

- I got it!
- [Anne screams]

Yes!

♪ Wildwood days ♪

♪ After school is out ♪

♪ Wildwood days ♪

♪ Heading down the shore ♪

♪ Wildwood days ♪

Kate?

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Those Wildwood days ♪

♪ Wild, wild Wildwood days ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Every day's a holiday ♪

♪ And every night is a Saturday night ♪

♪ Oh, those Wildwood days ♪

♪ Wild, wild Wildwood days ♪

♪ And then those party lights ♪

♪ Wild, wild, Wildwood nights ♪

No!

♪ You'll be mine ♪

♪ Wildwood days ♪

♪ 'Cause it's kissing time ♪

♪ Wildwood days ♪

♪ Gonna twist again ♪

♪ Wildwood days… ♪

Ah.

Thank you.

I want to be in the middle.
It's too spinny on the outside.

- What? What are you talking about?
- It's true, because of centrifugal force.

b*tch gets high once
and thinks she works at NASA.

[both laughing]

What is this email from Brenda?

Why is she accepting our offer?

- Okay, listen. I think--
- Are you f*cking serious?

I'm wearing my father's face as a mask.

- What?
- What the f*ck?

[angry shouting]

[laughing]

["Summer" from The Four Seasons plays]

[Danny and Claude arguing]

[all laughing]

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

- [music continues]
- [arguing indistinctly]

[Mark whooping]

[overlapping chatter]

[retching]

This is too high.

This is how you feel every night?

Well, I weigh, like,
ten pounds more than you.

It's more than ten pounds!

[retches and coughs]

So what I say doesn't matter, right?

You're just gonna do
whatever you wanna do?

- Come on.
- Huh? No, come on, un cazzo.

Listen to me.
This is how it always is with us.

You call the shots, and I go along with it
because I have to make you happy.

Like, uh, Patrizia, our wedding song,
the Halloween decorations.

I told you you could put your Dracula out.
You just couldn't turn it on.

f*ck the Dracula.
This is a baby we're talking about.

It's not something
I can just go along with.

I said, Danny, I said
I don't want to do it, and I meant it.

So why'd you say
you wanted to do it months ago?

Because I would have loved
to have a baby with you.

Okay?

I would've loved to be fathers together.

But I'm sorry, I…

We're older now,
and I just think the window has closed.

Well, that's just f*cking great.

So, okay.

What's your big plans for us now?

Are we just gonna redo our kitchen
over and over again?

I don't want to get to the end of my life,

look back at this conversation,
and say we f*cked up!

Aren't you afraid we're gonna regret this?

We might regret it. We might.

But I don't regret it right now.

I'm sorry, Danny.

[sighs]

Feels like this night is done.

You know what? I'm gonna get going too.
Guys, I'm gonna head out.

Okay, man. I'll check out
that podcast you told me about.

I'm gonna check out that dry rub
that you recommended for steaks.

- Well, it works on pork chops, too.
- [both laugh]

Well, Mark, it's been a great summer.

Yeah, it has.
I'm sad to see it come to an end.

Well, it has to, because this fall,

you're gonna be playing ball at State,
and I'm gonna be at ballet school.

Yes, where you will incorporate hip-hop
into the dance routines.

[laughs]

- I sure will.
- Okay.

Oh, this has been really fun.
Thank you, Mark.

Um…

Just give me your number.

No, what?

No, I thought
we'd never see each other again.

- Okay, yeah.
- No, you're breaking the rules.

You're right. You're totally right.
I'm sorry. I don't know why I…

- Don't say "I'm sorry."
- Anyway, it was nice to meet you.

- Yeah.
- And, uh, don't forget your winnings.

- Yeah.
- [Eugene crying]

Okay, bye, everybody.

[Danny] Ciao.

Bye.

[crying continues]

Okay, guys, this baby is done.
We gotta go!

Come on.

[crickets chirping]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Mm.

How was your night out with Mark?

It was good.

Yeah, and I know you guys were hoping
that it would be something more,

but I'm glad it didn't go any further.

- Your bra is in that bagel bag.
- Oh, Danny, why didn't I take his number?!

He was so nice!

Why did I say no? I'm such a stupid idiot.

No, honey, you're not.

Oh, God.

Why do I keep making
these jacked-up decisions?

Maybe it's because we're old.

The stakes are too high.

Every decision feels like
I'm trying to stick the landing

on my entire f*cking life.

Well, at least it's almost done.

[chuckles]

I wish I could have told you sooner.

How? You didn't know.

No, but there were moments,
you know, even months ago,

when I thought, "Do we really want this?"

Was one of them when I suggested
we do the baby's room in white suede?

Yeah.

[exhales]

What you want does matter.

And if you believe
it's something we shouldn't do,

then maybe we shouldn't.

Are you sure?

No.

Are you sure?

I think.

How can you ever be sure?

Well…

There is a book I know of.

[announcer] Random House Audio
presents The Three Magic Questions

by Dr. Suzanne Zolner,
as read by the author.

[Suzanne] Prologue. When I was 27…

Oh, my God, that's her voice?

…my life was at a crossroads.

One path in front of me…

[pensive music playing]

"Upon checkout,
please strip all beds and start laundry,

but only sheets, not towels,
unless it's Sunday, in which case,

please wash both
using detergent under the sink,

not the one labeled 'For Guests.'"
I live in hell.

How you doing?

Well, I can no longer feel
my heartbeat in my eyes, so, better.

I-- I'm sorry.

Here, look. Summer's over.
I'm done with this.

Okay.

But, you know, in the future,
if you're struggling,

you don't have to secret get high.

Like, when I ask you if you're okay,
tell me the truth.

Yeah, totally.

I mean, okay, except I feel like
you don't ask if I'm okay.

You ask if I'm better,
which is a little bit different.

Okay, I am too hungover

to take the emotional SATs right now.
What do I do?

You don't like it
when I'm struggling, right?

I can feel you watching me,
you're getting annoyed

that I'm, like, "not done
with whatever this is yet," right?

That's why I've been
getting high every night.

Okay, so this is my fault now?

I just want my husband to be happy

and our house to not feel like
an Edgar Allan Poe immersive experience.

Oh, okay, and that's--

That's all me because you're
f*cking Rainbow Brite, right?

I mean, you said it last night.
You're miserable all the time.

Yeah, because when you're down, I'm down.

Oh, bullshit. If you think
that I'm your only problem--

I'm sorry, what does that mean?
What are my problems?

Well, I don't know, because you never
tell me what's wrong with you.

You only tell me what's wrong with me.

Because I'm fine.

Oh, yeah. You're perfect.

God. Oh, and here's your missing sandal.

Thank you.

[Jack sighs]

[sighs]

Okay.

Look, maybe it's nobody's fault, right?
Maybe we're just in a bad pattern.

I feel like everything I try
just makes you feel worse.

So maybe we need to stop trying.
Just, like, freeball it.

Like, instead of you trying so hard
to make me happy,

and me trying to pretend that I am,

like, we're each responsible
for our own happiness.

[exhales]

So we're still married,
but we stop trying to fix each other.

Yeah. Doesn't that sound nice?

Yeah.

Can we workshop the name?

[clicks tongue]

I'll tell you what.

I will call it freeballing,
you call it whatever the f*ck you want to.

Right? See?

We've already begun.

[gentle piano music playing]

[sighs]

[Suzanne] Which brings me
back to my point.

You already have the answers.

The questions just serve
to illuminate them.

- We get it, Suzanne.
- It's all there within you.

This could've been a pamphlet.

So without further ado,

we begin by saying the decision
that's troubling you aloud.

Should we have a baby?

And now, as I ask the Magic Questions,

don't think.

Just say the answer that you already know.

Is this right for me?

- Yes.
- No.

Is this right for the world?

- Stupid question.
- Who knows?

Is this right for us?

- No.
- No.

Congratulations, dear reader.

You have now ans--

It's okay.

Really.

Maybe you don't get to do everything.

You know? That's just the way it goes.

Like…

We didn't get to have a baby,

but we also didn't get
to be models in Milan.

I was a model in Milan.

- [laughs] Okay. You know what I mean.
- Yes.

But what we have gotten to do…

is really wonderful.

I love our lives together.

I do, too.

[Eugene cooing]

[Eugene whimpers and cries]

Oh, baby, I'm sorry.

Okay, I'm all packed up.

I'm just gonna give Gino his bottle.

No, honey, I wouldn't. He'll fall asleep.
I would just wait till we get in the car.

That way, he'll sleep on the way.

[playfully] Yeah, you'll sleep on the way.

Actually, I'm gonna take him for a walk.

Hmm.

[car horns blaring]

["Summer" from The Four Seasons
by Vivaldi playing]

[tender acoustic music playing]

[Ginny] Whoo!

Do you want to go in the ocean?
You want to go in the ocean, Gino?

[gasps] Wow!

Oh, that's right.

[sighs] Mama's got you.

Mommy's got you.

'Cause I'm your mom.

Yeah.

["Summer" from The Four Seasons
by Vivaldi playing]

[music ends]