02x06 - Little Thanksgiving

[bunniefuu]

[wind blowing]

[birds singing and chirping]

- [gravel crunching]
- [car horn honks]

Annie!

They're here.

- Oh my God!
- I know.

- People! [laughs]
- People. [laughs]

["Autumn" from The Four Seasons playing]

- Hey!
- Hi!

- Oh my God!
- [Danny grunts]

Hey! [laughs]

[Anne] I wanna hug you!

- We quarantined. Come on. Bring it!
- [Anne] Ah!

[all laugh]

- My friend! How you doing? [laughs]
- You smell even better than I remember.

Good, and you?

[Nick] Hey, buddy.

[all exclaiming and laughing]

Good to see you. You look good.

- You do too. Awesome.
- You got leaner. You look buffed.

Wait.

- [Nick] Oh no.
- [Anne] What is happening?

And we are very excited for you to meet

- Patrizia!
- [music stops]

[speaking Italian]

- Ta-da!
- [Nick] Oh!

[in English] Patrizia is a dog?

Your text made it seem

like you were renting a room
to your sexy hairdresser.

Isn't she chic? She's my goal weight.
Get a picture of us.

Cheese!

- [camera clicks]
- Yes! Her coloring is very Armani.

- Go, Patrizia. Oh, oh, oh!
- [Patrizia barking]

[speaking Italian]

[in English] Patrizia, no! Come here!

- Okay. Come on! Let's sit!
- [Claude] Patrizia!

[Danny] What a spread! And balloons?

[Anne] Yeah, it's for
all the birthdays that we've missed.

And the one with the donut
is for Jack's hemorrhoid surgery.

- Ugh.
- [Kate yells]

[all exclaim]

Oh my God! Everyone's hair is weird!

Hi, sweetheart!
Lila's on the trampoline. Go find her.

- Go.
- [Jack] No!

- Okay, it's okay.
- [Anne] Oh!

Wait, so are we not masking?

We're outside. We all stayed home
for two weeks. I think we're good.

- [Patrizia barking]
- Okay. You're right. We're all right.

Yeah, honey, I don't think
you can catch anything.

We're six feet apart.
Just relax, have some wine.

[Anne] Mm.

Oh sh*t, Jack, that's mine!

[sniffles]

Nick, can you toss me that hand sanitizer?

- Are you gonna put this in your mouth?
- [scoffs] No.

I'm gonna put it in my butt.
Do a handstand.

["Autumn" playing]

- So, explain to me these sweaters.
- [laughing]

- [Nick] Okay.
- Okay, well thank you for asking.

These are from
our favorite Instagram account.

It's called Jeffrey Knitsit,
and he's actually blind.

- I can tell by the sweaters. Yeah.
- [Nick laughing]

[Nick and Danny laugh]

And these are meant to raise awareness--

That you are both dorks.

- Yes.
- Sorry.

- [Nick] It's working for you.
- [laughs]

Hey, if you think this is dorky,
you're gonna hate this.

- Oh, maybe not.
- Yes.

Since it all started,

we have been reading
each other a poem every night.

- Oh! Gross!
- No, no, no. I hate you. I hate you.

Say whatever you want, but we have not had
one argument since March 10th.

- [Patrizia barking]
- [Claude] Patrizia, please.

Maybe you should run her a little bit.

- What?
- Run her. A little trot. Like a dog show.

Okay. Okay, love. Patrizia.

- Watch this.
- Listen, tomorrow there is a talent show.

It's mandatory.
Lila and I made a sign and a trophy.

- All right.
- Oh! Okay, Supermom.

[Nick] You have no idea.

When I first met this one,
she was this fearless punk rock chick.

Okay, it's true.

Hanging out, smoking cigarettes
outside of Arlene's Grocery. Ooh!

First thing she ever said to me…

[in unison] "God, you're a douchebag."

Yeah, and I was like, "Oh, I am definitely
going to marry that mean lady."

- [laughs]
- [Nick] Now, she takes care of us.

And you come up with
these fun little creative adventures

and lift our spirits.

- [Patrizia whining]
- Danny, she's still very nervous.

Maybe she's keying off your energy.

- Relax.
- What?

Relax, here.

[Anne] It's all for Lila, right?

If we didn't have a kid,

we probably would have
drank ourselves to death months ago.

[Danny] Wow.

- Should we have a kid?
- Are you serious?

- [Patrizia whining]
- [exhales]

[Claude] Sit.

Patrizia.

[cell phone buzzing]

It's getting cold.

Should we maybe grab
the heaters from the deck?

No, let's go inside.

- Good idea.
- Come on.

Are we sure about that?

Like, I know I agreed to come, but I…

brought sleeping bags
so we could sleep in the car.

Jack, we did all the things. We're safe.
Come on. Anybody want to watch a movie?

- [Danny] Yeah.
- [Nick] Yeah?

[group chatter]

[group chatter]

["Allegro" from Il piacere
by Vivaldi playing]

[Patrizia barking]

[music fades]

Oh. Why don't you wear
your Jeffrey Knitsit, and I'll change?

Okay.

Does everyone think I'm being insane?

No. But, you know,
you could relax a little bit.

Oh! Hey.

We forgot to do our poem last night.

Oh jeez. [laughs nervously]

[snickers]

What do we got here?

"Ode to a Nightingale" by John Keats.

Okay.

"My heart aches,
and a drowsy numbness pains my sense,

as though of hemlock I had drunk."

How long is this one?

A page and a half.

Uh, "Or emptied some dull opiate
to the drains."

Because I hear people downstairs
getting breakfast.

Smells like he's doing bacon.

"But being too happy in thine happiness,

that thou light-winged Dryad
of the trees in some melodious plot

of beechen greens and shadows…"

[pensive music playing]

[speaking Italian]

- [cell phone buzzing]
- [in English] Hungry. Must be starving.

[speaking Italian]

[in English] Almost ready. Almost ready.

Mmm! This is so good.

[speaking Italian]

- [in English] Come on, eat.
- [Patrizia whines]

It's two days now. She won't eat.

Well, she definitely ate something,

because I found a juicy turd
on the stairs this morning.

Oh sh*t, I'm sorry.

[speaking Italian]

[in English] No, no, that was me.
I had tequila last night.

[Danny and Claude laugh]

[barking]

She doesn't like laughter.

- How long have you had this dog?
- Five weeks.

Do you love her?

- That feels like a trick question.
- She cost $5,000.

I'm just saying, a dog is not a child.

And if it's not a good fit, then
you could find a different home for her.

There's a couple right down the road here,
huge animal rescue people.

Yeah, they have a pot-bellied pig
and so many senior cats.

[Nick] I bet they'd take her.

[Danny] We'll figure something out, Nick.

We're just as qualified to be Patrizia's
parents as any two upstate lesbians.

- I never said they were lesbians.
- They are.

I know, but I never said that.

[upbeat classical music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, it's working!

- [Claude] Oh my God.
- Hi, can you see me?

This technology is amazing.

- Hey! Dad, we're doing a talent show.
- [Don] Great.

And I'm gonna win.

Cool your jets, big guy.

Oh my God!

Hi!

Ooh, my nieces!

[speaking Italian]

[speaking Italian]

[in English] Hey! [laughs]

Mom.

Mom, move into the camera.

You're not on the camera.

I see you just fine, baby.

[Claude] Okay, let's just start.

[cheering]

Kick it off, Jack! Kick it off!

♪ La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪

h*, h*, h*! Ha, ha, ha!

- [laughing]
- h*, h*, h*!

["Boss b*tch" playing]

♪ Wrist full of rocks, hope I float
Big up yourself, you know they don't ♪

♪ I chew, chew 'cause they hope I choke ♪

♪ I'm a b*tch… ♪

[Danny] What?

- [Nick] Yes!
- [mouthing lyrics]

[Nick] Do it!

♪ I'm a boss, I'm a b*tch ♪

My dear Lady Disdain, are you yet living?

- Courtesy itself must convert to disdain…
- [Don] Oh, brother!

Now it's some boring play
they did in college.

[Anne] Dad, mute!

[all cheering]

[Nick sighs]

A lot of work texts. Everything okay?

- Yeah, it's all good.
- Okay.

[Claude] For my next impression,

this is my beloved Roberto Benigni
getting a free refill of coffee!

Thank you! My God!

- This is too much joy for me!
- [Danny laughing]

I love the world!
I want to make love to all of you!

- Please! [yells]
- [all laughing]

- [yells]
- [all exclaim]

In the spirit of Riverdance,
I bring you Lakedance.

[lively dance music playing over speakers]

[all exclaiming and laughing]

[Jack] Cheater. You're not really dancing.

[exclaiming]

That's it.

[Jack] We see Lila on the spoons.

- [Kate] This is really good.
- [Jack] Boo!

- [Danny] You're insane!
- [music ends]

[all cheering]

[in unison] The first
annual Covey award goes to…

- My dad!
- [Nick] No! No!

[all exclaiming]

Thank you, honey.

I guess I'm better than all of you.
I am more talented.

- Shut up!
- [Danny] Oh God.

["Autumn" from The Four Seasons
by Vivaldi playing]

[Nick snoring]

[Patrizia growling]

- [music fades]
- [Kate coughing]

[sighs]

g*dd*mn it!

What's wrong?

Kate's not feeling well,
so I sent her upstairs to do a test.

Wait, home tests? Where did you get those?

Yeah, our school nurse,
Teresa, volunteers at a clinic,

so she slipped me a case
because I have pretty eyes.

- Oh.
- [Kate] Bad news. [sighs]

It's bright red.

- [all gasp]
- How in the hell?

[Kate] We should go home, I guess.

No, we can't all go in the car.
You might get Beth sick.

No, no, honey, just go up to Lila's room.
I'll make you some tea and toast. Go on.

[Jack sighs]

How'd this happen?

Huh? Who broke quarantine?

Nick, did you golf?

No.

What about you two, huh?

Any parties with your other,
hotter friend group?

No. Calm down, Dr. Fauci.

No, I won't calm down, because somebody
among us has betrayed the lockdown.

This is the worst production
of Jesus Christ Superstar I've ever seen.

- [Patrizia growls]
- [Anne] Ow!

I'm fine!

Um…

Don't panic, but Patrizia has run
into the woods with a bagel

and just a little bit of my finger.

Okay.

["Largo" from La tempesta di mare
by Vivaldi playing]

Patrizia!

Come here! Right now!

Oh.

I have to walk to you?

You little…

- Come on. Come on, Patrizia.
- [car approaching]

There we go.

Excuse me, do you know
where Nick Pagano lives?

Yeah, I do.

I told him I'd drop off this pie.

Oh.

Uh, well, I'll take it to him.
His family has COVID right now.

Oh. Um…

[grunts]

- Thank you.
- I'll make sure he gets it, okay? Bye-bye.

["Largo" from La tempesta di mare
by Vivaldi continues]

[speaking Italian]

- [in English] Where did you get that pie?
- Just take her inside.

Okay. Come on, let's go.
Let's go, Patrizia.

- [Nick] Hey, hey.
- Hey.

You gonna watch
the Notre Dame game with me?

Sounds good.

Should we also invite the chick
who dropped this pie off for you?

- [sighs] What?
- "What?"

Never go into acting.

- Oh my God.
- Yeah.

Was she here?

None of my business.
Just tighten up your game, all right?

Don't think for a second
I'll eat that Fatal Attraction pie.

- Danny. Danny!
- What?

It was…

It was a near miss.

That's all it was.

I got a little too friendly
with an actuary.

- Nick, I don't wanna know.
- We kissed.

It was a stupid, drunk group dinner.

And then the next day,
the world shut down.

Thank God.

Lockdown saved me, Danny.
Being home here with Anne and Lila…

Woke you up?

Yes.

I have not said anything even remotely
flirty to her in months, but she keeps--

Texting you. No sh*t, Sherlock.

I am so grateful
that nothing more happened.

Congratulations.
Maybe you should tell your wife that,

because she flinches
every time you receive a text.

She doesn't…

Oh.

[sighs] Okay. All right, I'll handle this.

- I will text Maureen right now.
- [scoffs]

Maureen. Gross.

How is it hot and also freezing out here?

["Largo" from Il piacere
by Vivaldi playing]

[sighs]

Okay.

- No, no, what are you doing?
- [sighs]

Oh no.

I'm sorry.

[music fades]

[groans]

[Kate groans]

- [Patrizia barking]
- [Danny groans]

Sounds like your baby misses you.

Yeah, that's probably why
my baby runs away every ten minutes.

[sighs]

Also, am I crazy,

or did Claude basically say
he didn't want to have children with me?

I caught that.

Maybe ask him again when he's not trying
to wrestle a dog into a ski outfit.

Hm. Yeah.

[exhales slowly]

How's Jack? Is he freaking out?

[thermometer beeping]

- A little bit.
- [groans]

You wanna open the window
and scream a poem at him?

I know we're being weird,

but these little rituals
are what he needs right now.

[groans] You know his grade partner
got so sick she had to be intubated.

Jesus.

So, now my job is to be

as calm and comforting
as a gravity blanket.

- Ah.
- [Kate groans]

[Danny] He's lucky he married you.
You never freak out.

Freakouts are a choice.

- Adults should not freak out.
- [chuckles softly]

That's insane. Say more.

[laughs, shivers]

It's just kind of narcissistic, you know?

It's like, oh, you get to be the one
who loses their mind and creates chaos.

What a luxury.

And why do we think we're this way?
And by we, I mean you.

Eh…

When I was in sixth grade,

I had to live with my aunt
because my mom wouldn't stop crying.

[both groan softly]

Wait, what?

It's okay.

Come on. Poopy-poo.

[speaking Italian]

Poop!

[in English] Come on, Patrizia.
Please. Stop barking.

- [Patrizia barking]
- [groans]

Oh! Thank you so much.

Go, let's go. Come on.

- May I ask you a question?
- Hm?

When you were picking out a dog,
why did you choose one that hates you?

Okay, I had no choice.

Danny's the one who wanted a dog.
I wanted a bird named Patrizia.

A bird? A bird would have been
so great at staying in your apartment.

Believe me, I wish
I could tell Danny to return her

to whatever store in hell
he bought her from.

She always goes straight for my genitals
every time I get out of the shower.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

Do you think I can talk
to the lesbians without Danny?

No. No. No, no, no.
It's not the right thing to do.

I don't know, man.

Sometimes the right thing to do

is just whatever
doesn't blow up your entire world.

Take me to the lesbians.

If it's meant to be, you'll find them.

I'm kidding. I will call Dana.

- Yeah?
- Okay. Stay away from my genitals.

[whispering] Danny?

- Danny.
- [Danny] Hm?

Patrizia's gone.

What do you mean Patrizia's gone?

She ran away, and we look everywhere,
but we can't find her.

Oh. Okay, uh…

Where are you going?
No, no, you're too sick to go out.

t*tties Glenn Close will skin her.

Huh?

It's the fever.

I need you to be
honest with me, all right?

You didn't go anywhere, did you, Lila?
Like, no play dates?

I'm literally 15.

[Danny] Patrizia! Patrizia!

Okay, what about a bubble?

You in some kind of a bubble,
like a school bubble?

- You're the only one that went anywhere.
- [scoffs] No, I didn't.

Yeah, you went to the clinic
that Nurse Teresa works at,

and then you stood in line with a bunch
of people who thought they had COVID.

["Autumn" from The Four Seasons
by Vivaldi playing]

Will you taste this?

Mom, that's so salty.

[music turns poignant]

Nick!

Make sure the turkey gets to 165.
Okay, that's my brain.

Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Throw away the potatoes.
There's still yams.

And Lila knows how
to do the Brussels sprouts.

Yes, ma'am.

- Here we go. Six, seven, eight, all right.
- [Anne groans]

[Nick] There we go.

Oh.

Who are you texting?

I was setting a 15-minute timer.

Oh.

[Anne whines]

- Mwah!
- Are you nuts?

We're all going down.

[door closes]

[laughs softly]

[sighs]

- [sighs]
- ["Allegro" from Il piacere playing]

Patrizia.

[coughing]

[groans] Oh.

Patrizia.

Where the f*ck is that dog?

- [woman 1] What if we call you Patty?
- [woman 2] Uh…

[woman 1] Are you Patty? Are you Patty?

[woman 2] Good girl.

Patrizia. Paw.

Good girl.

Oh, her paws are a little yeasty.

Yeah, we should throw out
all that food that guy gave us.

[woman 1] Mm-hm.

For f*ck's sake, look at her eyes.

- Oh, they're so beautiful.
- [in Spanish] What are you doing?

Oh, the beauty.

[speaking Spanish]

[woman 2 in English] Perfect girl. Up.

- Good girl. [laughing]
- Let me get in there.

Hi. Can you kiss it? [squeals]

You're such a good girl.

- [woman 1] My goodness.
- [both] You are home.

[woman 2 in Spanish] Kiss.

[women laugh]

[man in English on radio]
Turn on the TV news. Listen to the radio.

Everyone is concerned about COVID
and Thanksgiving, right?

Two facts to keep in mind.
COVID right now is on…

Hey! What are you doing?

Stay away, I'm infected.

I am too.

- Huh?
- [gasps]

- Wait--
- We're COVID buddies.

I got everybody sick. [mutters]

I must be asymptomatic.

Okay, your worst nightmare came true.
Now what? I have news for you, buddy.

You cannot control the universe
with your butthole. Get out.

- Get out. Come on.
- No. Everybody's mad at me.

- What?
- Everybody's mad at me.

I can't hear what you're saying.

- Everybody's mad at me.
- Yes, I can, I can hear.

- g*dd*mn it!
- [chortles]

I got it.

Come on.

Here, here. Take it. Take it. Take it.

Look, nobody's mad at you.
It's not your fault.

No, it's your fault.

Hold on a second. How am I in trouble?

You made us come here, all right?

You told me everything was gonna be fine,
and it's not fine.

Okay, you can be mad if you want.

I'm not mad!

- Yes, you are.
- God.

And whenever you pretend not to be,
it comes out sideways.

So, there you go.
Hit my hand as hard as you can.

What? No, I'll hurt you.

- Oh, f*ck you, you'll hurt me.
- I'm not hitting you, all right?

Hit it. Oh, that's right. You can't hit me
because you're America's nicest boy.

- [laughing]
- Stop touching me.

I'm not touching you.
I'm not touching you at all.

[both grunting]

Good, good, let it out.
Remember, I got the back stuff.

Selfish prick.

Well, you had to have your party, huh?

You always do whatever the f*ck you want.

You don't care who gets hurt.

- No, no, I'm not that guy!
- [lively classical music playing]

Oh, you are legendarily that guy!
How do you think you won the talent show?

'Cause even the children
understand you're a little f*cking baby!

- f*ck you, I'm trying.
- Well, not hard enough.

Get off of me!

[both grunting]

I wish I was like you!

You're such a good man.
You take care of your family.

Yeah, but I didn't!
g*dd*mn it! I'm so sick of being scared!

f*ck!

f*ck!

[music crescendos]

Okay.

[music fades]

There you go.

Good job.

[exhales]

You can always dump this stuff on me.

Okay.

Are you crying?

No.

I'm helping you.

I win.

- [scoffs]
- [laughs]

[both breathing heavily]

[groans, sniffles]

You didn't find her?

No, Claude, I sure didn't.

I walked all over
and didn't see a single lost dog.

Saw a lot of dogs with owners,
but no lost dogs.

What a mystery.

Hopefully she finds a family
who loves her as much as we did.

[scoffs] Well, but we'll never know
because we certainly never talked about it

or chose them.

[snickers]

I guess all we'll ever know
is uncertainty and heartbreak.

"Heartbreak" is a strong word.

No? It's like Nick said.
Um, "A dog is not a child."

Well, thank God
we don't have one of those.

[exhales] I guess this proves
that we're not cut out for it.

But Danny, that's a whole
different conversation. Come on.

- Listen.
- [stomach gurgling]

- What?
- Can COVID give you diarrhea?

It can, yes.

Oh boy.

[pensive classical music playing]

There's so much food,
and everything tastes like metal.

I can't wait to blast this everywhere
in an hour.

Thank you, Nick,

for the best worst Thanksgiving
of my life.

I am sorry that I made everyone come here.

And I am sorry that
Jack made everyone sick.

[Nick laughs softly]

But I need you guys.

Like a donkey.

Did you know that
you can't just have one donkey?

You have to have two donkeys,

or else they go insane.

This is true.

[chuckles] It's true.

Bless you, honey.

[Nick and Kate laugh]

[groans]

Oh!

Somebody brought a whole pie,
and I never even put it out.

That was glass.
Why did you just throw that out?

Uh-- [sighs]

That's a fresh pie.
We can have it tomorrow.

I-- I, uh--

We don't…

Are you okay?

The person who kept texting me
was a woman.

I did not sleep with her.

- I did kiss her.
- [gasps]

A stupid, meaningless flirtation.

And it's completely over,
and it'll never happen again.

Yeah, but it probably
will happen again though, right, Nick?

No, Annie, it won't.

Okay.

What about the woman
at the golf tournament a couple years ago,

the brunette?

You remember, the one with the nails?

[sighs] Yes.

Mm.

I knew it.

I f*cked up. I'm sorry.

I love you.

Please don't leave me.

God, you're a douchebag.

You don't think I'm gonna leave you,

because you think
I don't know how to live without you.

And that is why this is so f*cking mean.

Oh, honey…

No, do not come near me.
f*ck this. I'm done!

["Autumn" from The Four Seasons
by Vivaldi playing]

[exhales sharply]

[Anne crying]

[whimpers] f*ck.

[grunting]

[gasping, crying]

[breathes heavily]

[sighs]

[music fades]

I cannot be here for Christmas.

[sniffles]

["Winter" from The Four Seasons
by Vivaldi playing]