03x04 - Willy Wonka's Lawyer's Opening Statement

[bunniefuu]

- [Sam] Tonight, doing a terrible job

at being in the Witness
Protection Program,

it's Ross Bryant!

- Hello! The name's Ross Bryant.

Hello.
- Hi, how are you?

- 820 [beep] Avenue.
I'm a state's witness!

- [Sam] Secretly looking
for an escaped tarantula

it's Paul F. Tompkins!

- Hey, hey. [laughs nervously]
- [Sam] Hey, Paul.

- Hey.
[Sam giggling]

Hey...

- [Sam] And charmingly
pickpocketing the host,

it's Chris Grace!

- Hello, guys. So glad to...

Oh my gosh, Sam, it's been so long now.

- Chris, what an honor.

- You clearly came back from Panama.

- I...
- And let's make sure

you got your passport.

- Uh-huh.
- Is this your phone?

- How did you do it?

They're all here to...

- [Cast] Make Some Noise!

[exuberant upbeat music]

[exuberant upbeat music continues]

- Welcome to "Make Some Noise,"

the game so good we spun it off unchanged.

I am your host, Sam Reich.
Here's how the show works.

I have here a series of
improvisational prompts

our players have never seen before,

isn't that right, players?

- That is correct.

We have not.
- That's correct.

- How did I get here?

- Just a blank slate going on, Paul.

- They took a bag off
my head two seconds ago.

- They will, to the best of their ability,

fulfill those prompts.

I will award them corresponding points,

and the winner will take
home the coveted Golden Ear.

[Paul gasps breathily]
- Hmm.

- Which does listen to your conversations

but only so that it can
serve you better ads.

- Hm.
- [Sam] Players,

are you ready to rumble?
- Yes.

- Uh-huh.
- Yep.

- We are gonna start with a minigame.

[Paul giggles delightedly]
- Ooh.

- Players, could you place your buzzers

atop your podiums, please?

- Is this what you mean?

- That is exactly what I mean.

- Is that? Oh.
- I think that's...

- Players, we're going
to play a little game

called Name That Sword.

Simple rules. I'm gonna show you a sword.

You buzz in and pitch me the name

of said sword, à la Excalibur.

Make sense?
- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

- My knight in shining armor, Paul,

would you please bring
in sword number one.

- [Paul] Oh gosh.
- Whoa!

[whimsical fantasy music]
[Sam laughing]

[buzzer rings]
- Ross.

- Glutenaxe, the Child Slayer.
[players giggling]

[buzzer rings]
- Chris.

- Dickie Floss.
- Dickie Floss is good!

[buzzer dings]
- [Sam] Paul.

- Raccoon's Bane: If
You've Seen That One Video.

[cast laughing]

- The "If You've Seen That
One Video" added to the end.

- Yeah, that's part of the name.

- I think this particular
point is gonna go to Ross.

- Oh, gosh.

- Do you wanna taste it?

- How long ago was this cotton spun?

- Like 15 minutes, maybe?

- [Paul] Oh, "Princess
and the Pea" over here.

- That's going right
in someone's wank bank.

- Oh god.
[players laughing]

- Paul, can I please
have sword number two?

[goofy fantasy music]

[buzzer rings]
Paul.

- Stitch One, Stab Three.

- Yes! It does all of the above.

[buzzer rings]
Ross.

- Yarnio, the Herald of Loomsday.

[Sam and crew laughing]

[buzzer rings]
- Chris.

- From here that looks like Corn:

If You've Seen That One Video.
[cast laughing]

- I think for the callback,
I'm gonna go with you, Chris.

- Yeah.
- I walked so you could run.

[Chris laughing]
- Paul, whenever you're ready,

could I please have sword number three?

[epic fantasy music]

[buzzer rings]
Paul.

- Crayolanator.

- Yes!

[buzzer rings]
Chris.

- Flesh Color Bane.
[Paul laughing]

- Yes! Works on multiple levels.

[buzzer rings]
Ross.

- Crayon: The Weapon of the Kinderguard.

[cast laughing]

- That's gonna be another
point on the board for Ross.

It was close.

- Do you wanna taste it?
- Yeah.

[cast laughing]

Rest assured, even if they don't show it,

I tasted every sword.

- We cut it out 'cause it got weird.

- Uh-huh.
- Paul.

- By the way, I keep thinking that Paul

is going to bring out the sword.

- I keep thinking that too, Chris!

I look over at the door. I
think I'm gonna come through it.

[buzzer rings]
- Paul.

- Wighammer!
[Ross laughing]

- I like it a lot, Paul.

[buzzer rings]
A hesitant buzz in from Ross.

- Braidlion: The Last
Weapon of the Weave Mage.

- I like how each one of
yours has a sort of a epitaph.

- It's called worldbuilding.
[players laughing]

- Yeah. Chris.
[buzzer rings]

- Miley Stylus.
[Ross laughs]

- Really good, Chris. Really good.

I am gonna say I think
this one goes to Paul.

- Yes!

- Thank you very much, other Paul.

- Thank you.

- Could I have sword number five, please?

[players chuckling]
[lively guitar music]

- Now this one, I'm gonna taste.

[buzzer rings]
- Chris.

- Sharp-cuterie.

- You son of a b*tch!
[Sam cackling]

- I feel like we were all
going for the same thing.

- It's like, sometimes it's about speed.

- [Paul] I know. Now I'm out.

[buzzer rings]
- Paul.

- I guess I gotta just say Cheese Sword.

[cast laughing]

It's a cheese board sorta cheese sword.

- Yeah, it is!
- I'm very literal!

- [Sam] Yes!

[buzzer rings]
Ross.

- The dwarves forged it in the
Cheese Caves of Switzerland.

It pairs well with a sweet red.

None of this is the name.
[cast laughing]

This is only the footnote at
the bottom of the fantasy page.

Charcutter: The Lost
Blade of the Brie Wraith.

- I do think this is gonna go to Chris.

- Yeah.
- Can I pitch one, Sam?

- Yeah.
- Sword'oeuvre.

- Get the f*ck out!
- Go away!

- Who the f*ck are you?
- I'm other Paul.

- Do you have a f*cking buzzer?

- I'll sneak you a point later.

- The cheese knives are out.
- [Ross] Yeah.

- Paul, could I please have
sword number six, please?

- What is this, the sword show?

- Yeah.
- Oh, it is?

- Yeah.
- Oh, my mistake.

I do apologize.

- We're doing this for two hours.

- [Chris] Make Some Swords.

[buzzer rings]
- Paul.

- Jortstar!
- Yes.

- Very good.

[buzzer rings]
Ross.

- Death-KNY.

- Ooh! [claps]
- Oh.

I think that may have to
go to you as well, Ross.

- Is this world, there are long swords

and there are jort swords.

- Oh man, that's actually really good.

- [Paul Robalino] Sam, can I pitch one?

- Yes.
- Tommy Hiltfiger?

- Come on!
- That's good.

- Now, he had time. He knew
what these were in advance.

- Your headset-
- Hey, that's true!

- And that's a minigame!
[bright cheerful music]

That brings us to round one?

- My god.

- Ross.
- Yes, sir.

- A rap battle's bars are
actually good feedback

you should take to heart.

- Would you like a bad beatbox?

- That's okay, that's okay.

- Would you like a good beatbox?

[Chris laughing]
- Oh, oh sh*t!

- This dude stepped in the
arena. He really oughta walk.

And I really think you need to work

on all that negative self-talk!

- Oh sh*t!

- This battle's over 'fore it started.

It really reached its end.

When you say something about yourself,

would you say that to your friend?

- Oh sh*t!
[cast and crew laughing]

- Tell him.

- Hold it down, hold
it down. Hold it down.

Oh, your first verse was so gnarly

it don't even deserve retort.

You forget you got a
whole network around you

that's eager to support!

There's not a single f*cking screen

that you should ever thus be seen on,

but you gotta a million friends

that are begging you to lean on.

[buzzer buzzes]

- I will cut you off there, Ross.

I like to imagine that this
person rapped negatively

about themselves and then you're coming in

and propping them back up again.

- Yeah, yeah.
- It's a bold innovation

in rap battling.
- Yeah, yeah.

- [Sam] For sure.

I'm telling you this
because I'm your friend

amount of points for you, Ross.

Paul F.
- Huh? That's me.

- Willy Wonka's lawyer's
opening statement.

- [folksy accent] Ladies
and gentlemen of the jury...

[cast laughing]
- [laughs] Oh god!

- I'm just a simple lawyer
from Oompa-Loompaland.

Got my law degree in a gumball machine.

- That's not good.
- But isn't it...

Oh, Your Honor, will
you silence this jury?

[Sam laughing]
Silence the gallery.

Now, I put it to you.

If you tell a little German
boy again and again and again

not to go near the edge
of the chocolate river

and he goes to drink from
it, who is at fault here?

If you tell someone the
gum is experimental,

[Sam laughing]

it is in beta testing, and
a child pops it in its mouth

and turns into a big
ball, who is to blame?

I put it to you.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

it is the children who are monsters.

The very people he longed to save.

[cast laughing]

[buzzer buzzes]

- And I will cut you off there, Paul.

- Hell yeah.
- [Sam] This Oompa-Loompa

is from North Carolina?

- You don't know how
big Oompa-Loompaland is.

They might have regional accents there.

You lose! You get nothing!

Just kidding. You get 70 points, Paul.

- Ooh, an actual number.

- Chris.
- Yes.

- A tour guide who snuck
one of his own paintings

into the museum.

- So, I think we got a
lot out of the Rothkos.

We sat there for a while

and we saw the way that the
color fields were working.

And this artist is also, I would say,

on the level of Rothko.
[cast laughing]

This is a self-portrait
of a very handsome man.

You might think that this
was just an iPhone photo

that was projected into
Photoshop and traced over,

[cast laughing]

and you'd be right.

In fact, it's mixed media,
uh, and the artist is a-

uh...

Chris Grace.
[cast laughing]

No relation. Except it's me.

- And I'll cut you off there.
[buzzer buzzes]

Yeah, an "Exit Through the Gift Shop"

amount of points for you, Chris.

Ross.
- Yes, sir.

- A "measured take" on Freddy Krueger

by the Editorial Board
of "The Washington Post."

- All of us have dreams.
[Paul chuckles]

Only one person dares to walk in others',

dispensing ironic justice to teens

who bear the blame of
their parent's crime.

- Aw man, it says I gotta pay $12.99

to read the rest of this one?
[cast laughing]

- No one who works out thinks

when they go into their home gym,

they're going to be transformed

into a c*ck and crushed.

- Yeah, just put it in reader view,

and then that gets around the paywall.

- [Chris] [laughs] Right.

- Some people dare to dream big.

Frederick "Freddy" Krueger
[Sam laughs]

was born two blocks from Elm Street

on the darker side of a
little Burbank suburb.

- What if we share an account?
[Sam laughing]

What if I make one and
we use the same email?

- I don't want you to
see my browsing history.

- This misunderstood young man

came up through local schools,

dropping out after a predilection for

child m*rder.

[cast laughing]

Even after perishing in a
fire, he dared to live again.

One, two,

Freddy's coming for you.

Three, four,

we could all

have given him more

b*tch!
[Paul and Sam laughing]

[buzzer buzzes]

- Wow, Ross! Way to go.

- It made me rethink a lot of stuff.

- There are two sides to every story.

- So true.

- Democracy dies in darkness
amount of points for you?

- Mm-hmm, that's right.

- Paul.
- That's me!

- This presidential acceptance speech

is clearly a last-minute
rewrite of a concession speech.

- Thanks, everybody. Thanks, everybody.

I know this outcome is not

what we didn't hope for.

[Sam chuckling]

We fought a good fight,

and it worked.
[Sam cackling]

My opponent, um, don't boo.

Actually, boo. Boo, go ahead.

[Sam laughing]
- [Paul] He lost.

We may think differently
about a lot of things,

but in the end I think

that he will watch me
rise to the occasion.

This isn't the last you'll see of me

because I am now the President
and so I'll be on TV a bunch

because I'm the-
- Sorry, I'm sorry.

Turns out you lost.

- Wait, I did?
- You actually lost.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- Psych!
[Sam laughing]

[buzzer buzzes]
- And that's incredible work!

- Thank you.

- A Pokémon go to the
polls amount of points.

- Oh, why? Can't we just
forget that happened?

- Sorry. I'm sorry to get so real!

[players laughing]

Chris.
- Yes.

- Last prompt of round one.

An Oscar bait monologue

from "UNO: The Movie."
- [Paul] Amazing.

- [Ross] Amazing.

- I know that all of you
here, you underestimated me.

You didn't think I
could play in your game.

You thought I only had greens in my hand.

Then you learned I was a little bit wild.

I wasn't exactly what you expected.

I could be whatever I wanted
to fit your social situation.

And then when I needed to,

I could make you do
what I wanted you to do.

I could make you draw four.
[Sam gasps dramatically]

Or maybe even more if
there were other cards

with different numbers on them,

but I don't know the game that well, do I?

And here in the final act,
[cast laughing]

as all of your blood is on my hands,

that's when I finally played the reverse.

There's only one person left
standing. [whispers] UNO.

[buzzer buzzes]
- I love it in Oscar movies

where they say the name of the movie.

- [Chris] That's right.
- [Sam] Oh, damn.

- Truly, they were the
K*llers of the Flower Moon.

- Yes, exactly.

- A, conveniently, draw 16
amount of points for you.

- Oh.
- Wow.

[cheerful upbeat music]

- Players, that brings us
to our second minigame.

- Another minigame?
- [Ross] Whoa.

How many swords do we have to name now?

- This is a little minigame
we like to call Vent It Out.

How this works is, I am going
to give each of you a topic

to rant and rave about.
- Huh.

- You may only rant and
rave when I call your name.

- Hm.

- When I call the next person's name,

you must continue to rant and rave

where the last person left off.

- The most dangerous game.
- Impossible!

- Chris.
- Okay.

- Would you please vent about-

- Should that button be closer to you?

[Chris laughing]

- Do you think?
- [Ross] Under the chair?

- I feel like you're traveling
a really long way to get to-

- It feels like we're robbing your bank.

[players laughing]

- What's wrong with this thing?

- [Sam] If I could please-
- Easy, easy, easy-

- [Paul] Instead of calling the police-

- Easy, easy.
- No, I'm just getting

the money from the registers.
- No quick moves, Reich

- [Sam] Chris, daylight savings.

- I don't understand what we're saving.

Time is not a thing that can
be captured or put into a bank.

Time, as a construct, is
really just the progression

of molecules-
- Stop. Paul.

- And who has more time
than molecules? We do.

I think we should decide what hour it is

whenever we want to.

Do away with the concept
of time altogether.

- Stop. Ross.

- Let it pass away as a
relic of a former time

when we lived in an agrarian economy

that demanded folks to rise
with and fall with the Sun.

But that time has passed,

much like the molecular theory of biology

has been swept into
the dustbin of history.

We are made purely of-
- Stop. Paul.

- Guts, meat, blood, spaghetti parts.

- Stop. Chris.
- Pasta, Prego,

RAGÚ, Chef-

- [Sam] Stop. Ross.
- Boyardee.

- Ross, could you please rant instead

about America's lack of trains?

- We used to be a proud country
where people could travel

from one coast to another on the rail,

choo-chooing from one coast to the other.

- Stop. Paul.

- Choo-choo? Now it's more like chi-chow!

[Chris laughing]
The past tense of choo-choo.

- Stop. Chris.

- I think it was my
great-grandfather Chi Chow

who first built the tracks
that these trains run on,

and you have forgotten my
great-grandfather's legacy

by not riding the Amtrak.
- Stop. Paul.

- My great-grandfather will
haunt the sh*t out of you.

- [laughs] And Paul, could
you please rant instead

about how capes aren't in fashion anymore?

- Have you ever walked down the street

and you see everybody's shoulders

and you're sick to your stomach?

[Chris laughing]
- Stop. Ross. [laughs]

- These bulbous appendages
on either side of our torso

should be kept away from the common view,

kept draped in a fancy
drapery that dangles upon you,

leaving more of the body
to the erotic imagination.

- Stop. Chris.

- [New York-ish accent] And also,

who's a superhero and who's not?

How am I supposed to know without a cape?

- Stop. Paul.

- [accent intensifies]
These sorta Spider-Man guys

who don't have no cape,

of course everybody hates
'em like J. Jonah Jameson

because he just looks like a big bug!

- Stop. Ross.

- [goofier New York
accent] How do you know

who's a superhero anymore?

You got your Green Lanterns
and your Spider-Man

going around sans cape.

- Stop. Chris.

- I wanna go back to the day

when there was only one
superhero, the Capeman.

He made capes and he solved crimes

by putting capes on the criminals.

You're like, "That's the bad guy."

- And we will stop. [laughs]
[cast laughing]

What the f*ck just happened?

- [mimics wacky gibberish] Bad guy.

- The real Vent It Out
is to vent about a thing

while the whole speech
undergoes a Bronxification.

[cast laughing]

- Paul.
- Hi.

- [Sam] The small number
of "Mr. Bean" episodes.

- [English accent] We used to
build things in this country.

- Hm.

- There was a time when-
- Stop. Ross.

- [English accent] A
show like "Dad's Army"

would be on the air for years uncounted,

while one Mr. Rowan
Atkinson poured his genius

into literally only like
a dozen episodes or so.

- Stop. Chris.

- [English accent] I, myself,

had a society of fans of Rowan Atkinson's.

We call ourselves The Bean Counters.

We keep track of how
many episodes there are-

- Stop. Paul.

- There are precious few.
[Sam chuckling]

The happy few.

Are we going to stand by as Britons

and let the American sitcom "Friends"

steal the turkey on the head gag?

Bean did it first!

- Stop. Chris.

- We must never give up.
We shall always persist.

We must fight on the shores of the US.

We must fight in the UK-
- Stop. Ross.

- And the Sun shall never set on Bean

as it has set on our empire!

♪ Rule, the Britannia ♪

♪ Britannia rules the waves ♪

[buzzer buzzes]
[Paul gasps in shock]

- Chris, last one.
- Yep.

- [Sam] Streaming services.

- Y'all, I'll tell you what,
they all suck except one.

- Oh, don't you dare.

- Which one am I talking about, folks?

- Don't you dare.

♪ I love all the streaming services ♪

♪ But there is only one that is the best ♪

♪ And it makes me wanna
scream and shout 'cause ♪

♪ It's the one that's called ♪
- And stop. Paul.

♪ Shudder ♪

♪ Everybody likes to get scared ♪

♪ Everybody likes to say,
"Is there a ghost in here" ♪

♪ Everybody likes to
say, "I'm a werewolf" ♪

- And stop. Ross.

♪ Do you want giallo from 1970 ♪

♪ Do you want contemporary
low-budget movies ♪

♪ Shudder's got it all
for a low, low price ♪

♪ On the Amazon tab on your TV ♪

- Stop. Chris.

♪ And if you don't like that,
I got another one for you ♪

- Stop. Paul.

♪ Crunchyroll ♪

- All right, put me out
of my f*cking misery.

[players laughing]
[bright whimsical music]

That brings us to round two

where our players will
now test their talents

in teams of twos.

- Ooh.
- But there's three.

- And so we're starting with Ross.

- He's one!
- And Paul.

- I'm the second?

- Both of these people are
definitely wearing a wire.

- Hey, sorry I'm late.

I uh, hit some traffic coming over here.

- No problem, I understand. Things happen.

And if you saw me get out
of that dry cleaning van,

it's just 'cause I was,
uh, returning something.

- Yeah, right, and this bulge in my jacket

is because I got a tumor.
[Sam and crew laughing]

I don't wanna bring the room
down. How's the crime going?

- I was wondering if
the shipment of cocaine

had come in from South America,

and if so, whereso and whenso?

- Cocaine shipment, that sounds familiar.

Weren't you telling me about that

and how you wanted to do it?

- Hey, it takes two to tango.

We had a conversation where
a lot of things came up.

We were speaking vaguely, but
if you could specifically say

when you are bringing it in,

that would be really helpful for me.

My memory ain't so good.

- Oh, well let me refresh it.
You're a criminal doing crime.

You hate the law, right?
- Absolutely.

- And you like to break it?

- I love to break it and I do not like

to collaborate with it
to save my own skin.

- One second, one second. Is that good or?

- [laughs] And...
[buzzer buzzes]

I love an insecure rat

who needs a little
validation from time to time.

- Am I doing okay?

- Can you please say that
again louder amount of points

for the both of you.
- Oh my.

- Paul.
- That's me.

- And Chris.
- Ah.

- Realizing an anecdote
isn't at all appropriate

for the "Jeopardy!" intro.

- And back from the break.

We're gonna get to know our
contestants a little bit more.

And Chris, I understand that
you have an interesting story

to tell us involving your love of apples

- Yes, I'm allergic to apples,

and I recently had some in the green room,

and so my throat's
closing up at this time,

but my desire to be on the
show and the power dynamic

has dictated that I won't
say anything about it

except maybe unconsciously. [laughs]

- Well, best of luck.

Ross, I understand you
have over 30 newspapers.

[Chris coughing]

- That's right. I'm
something of a collector.

I started a month ago.
[Chris groaning painfully]

- Could you stop making so much noise?

- I will cut you off.
[buzzer buzzes]

What is 800 points for you both?

- Holy smoke.
- Oh.

- Chris.
- Yes.

- And Ross.
- Yes, sir.

- A father chess knight

teaches its baby chess knight
to take its first steps.

- Wait, wait a minute.
- My spry boy.

- Wait a minute.
- [Sam] Oh sh*t! Oh sh*t!

- Where can I go, Papa?

- My boy, I know that logic would dictate

that you'd walk straight ahead
as far as the eye can see.

- Like a queen?

- That's the queen's prerogative.

- Aw.

- We just take a little step to the left

and a long stride
forward, or the opposite.

- I go a little bit
forward and to the side.

Or I go to the side and
a little bit forward.

- My boy's becoming a man.

And if there's ever a pawn
or anything in front of you,

you jump right over 'em.

- And Papa, what if I go to c7

and I attack both the rook
and the king at the same time?

- You've been pincered, my boy.

- Oh, that's not a good thing?

- Let's say no.
[Sam laughing]

- Oh, we don't have that much
power in this kingdom, do we?

In fact, my twin brother
is there on the other side,

and he got k*lled.

- We shall not speak of him.

You are all that remains. Now give me-

- [Paul] You are all that remains.

[Sam laughing]

- Now give me a hug, boy.
- Give me a hug, boy.

- But son.
- Son.

- Papa, we can never get to each other.

- [Paul] We can never get to each other.

- My boy.
- My boy.

- Papa.

- [Sam] And I will cut you off there.

[buzzer buzzes]

I love how this like, went
from like a wholesome scene

between two chess pieces
to a very sad man.

- A very sad man.

- I was trying to play
him as a little boy.

I guess the sad man in
me really comes through.

[Sam laughs]

A Grandmaster amount of
points for both of you.

- A Magnus Carlsen.

- Bringing us back to Ross.

- My god. What's happening?
- And Paul.

- That's me.

- Rip Van Winkle explains
the gap in his resume.

- I gotta say,

I found your cover letter
extremely impressive.

- Thank you.

- You're definitely the
most interestingly dressed

of the candidates I've seen today.

- I have my own style.
- Yeah.

I am just noticing that like,

right before the American Revolution-

- Right.
- there's a whole lot here

working in a lot of agriculture.

- That's right.
- Cider manufacturing.

And then there's a big gap here,

and I'm just wondering if
you could explain that.

- You know, I've been
working since I was a kid,

and I decided I needed some time to like,

you know, just kind of
experience things, you know?

- Great, so taking some time for yourself

to explore yourself.
- Yes.

You know what, it's like I
was exploring all my dreams.

- Mm-hmm.
- And deciding, do I want to,

is this really a dream that I want?

And then it would just
shift into another dream

and then and so on and so forth.

- You're a very dreamy man.
- [laughs] Yeah, well, I am.

- Now, about these gnomes who play bowls

with the sound of thunder
up in "Them Thar Hills."

- Yeah, I just put that in for,

you know, sort of an about me.

- Uh, sorry. Hey, Dave, where
do we keep the horsey sauce?

- It's in the walk-in fridge.

- They make sauce out of horses now?

- The horsey sauce
contains very little horse.

- Oh.

- But the beef does
arrive here as a liquid.

- Oh!

- I'm gonna get right
down to it. You are hired.

- Why, thank you! You won't be sorry.

[buzzer buzzes]
- And cut.

How about the audience collectively
Googling Rip Van Winkle

amount of points for the both of you.

Paul.
- Hm?

- And Chris.
- Huh?

- Ah.

- Excuse me for a moment.

- There he goes.
- Give me all your money.

- New Year's Eve TV hosts are
not the "fun" kind of drunks.

- Well, guess what, it's almost time

for the stupid-a*s ball to drop.

- Yeah, yeah, and Jelly Roll's
gonna sing at some point.

- I don't know who Jelly Roll is.

I don't know who half these people are.

I hate myself.
[Sam chuckling]

And I hate you if you're watching this.

This year isn't gonna be any different.

- We've been doing this so long.

- So f*cking long.

Guess what's gonna happen in the New Year,

more of the same sh*t!

- Hey guys, I'm out here in Times Square

getting live reactions from
the people out in the Square,

but first and foremost, I
wanna know, do you hate me?

- Yeah, I do. You know what, man?

I'm glad you asked because I do.

I wish you would hit yourself
in the face with a hammer.

- I knew it. I pick up on the
energy, and I know you do.

- Hey, that's your son, man.
[Sam and crew laughing]

- You don't think I regret it every day?

- Yeah, go ahead. Spill it all out!

Let the whole country know what goes on

behind the picture-perfect
closed doors of our house!

- Why don't you try being a
man? Stand on your own two feet!

- And now SZA's gonna perform

[Sam laughing]

on "The New York Times" Doritos stage.

- Take it away, SZA.

- I'd give everything
for one "I love you."

- And cut.
[buzzer buzzes]

I f*cking loved that scene.

A 10, 9, 8, 7 amount of
points for the both of you?

- Wow.
- Hm, stops at seven.

- Last prompt of round two.
- Aw.

- Chris.
- Yes.

- And Ross.

- [Chris] Hey!
- [Ross] Okay.

- Letters between two "historically close

unmarried friends of the same sex."

- Jeffrey, I do hope that
this message finds you well.

This day I did go hunting in
the grange outside our house

while Martha attended
to the household chores.

Thinking of you dearly.

Your kind words in the last
message meant so much to me.

Also, your body. Anyway, how's Diane?

Yours, Philip.

- Philip, Appomattox has been hell.

The bodies pile up one on top of t'other

and I look at them wishing that I was one

and you were t'other on top of me here

in the fight to save the South. [laughs]

[Sam and Paul laughing]

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- You could help me save your South parts.

I'd like to explore your Southern lands

and make my own Sherman's
March into your nether regions.

How's that wife of
yours? I forget her name.

[Sam laughing]

Yours, Jeffrey.

- Jeffrey, I'm sure your wife is well,

but our friendship shall know few bounds,

but there is an intimacy
with you that I long for

that I know I can never have.

- This traitor, Lincoln,
has given up on our country!

- Just because we are on
opposite sides of this conflict.

- It's put lover against lover!

- Brother against brother.

- And brother lovers
against brother lovers.

- Truly, we are the worst
victims of this whole situation.

[buzzer buzzes]

- I put myself on the wrong side.

- [laughs] Whoops!


points for both of you.

- Oh!

[cheerful upbeat music]

- That brings us to our final minigame.

- Oh, this guy is crazy for minigames.

- Can't get enough of these minis.

- It's kinda my kink.

- You're a minigame freak.

- This is a little minigame
we like to call Translator.

How it works is, Ross-
- Yes, sir.

- [Sam] You are gonna
switch places with Paul.

- Okay. As you wish.
- [Sam] You are going

to be our "foreign politician"

speaking in a gibberish foreign language.

- Okay.

- Chris and Paul, you will
take turns translating Ross

however you see fit.

And we have a little piece
of art to inspire you, Ross.

Paul, could I have that please?

- And this is a little piece of art.

Did you mean to say "prop?"
[players laughing]

Did you forget the word for prop?

- Anyway, um... [laughs]
[Chris and Paul laughing]

Ross, we have a little prop.

- You can't move on that easily, Sam.

- Take it away whenever you are ready.

[Ross speaking gibberish
in vaguely Soviet accent]

- Zest.

- Friends, enemies, and Uncle Zac.

[gibberish continues]

- I will now create a story

with some suggestions from the audience.

[gibberish continues]

[Ross mimics motor buzzing]
[Chris laughing]

[gibberish continues]

- Okay, I heard "Dildo factory

from over there and over there."

We take you now to a day
at the dildo factory.

First, the shades are drawn

so that no one can see
how me make the dildos.

[gibberish]

[seductive gibberish]

- Matilda, did you hear

that the dildo factory is being shut down?

[feminine voice] No, our
country's economy is quite strong.

[Ross shouts patriotic gibberish]

- Now, that was a lot of fun,

but did you notice the
hidden lesson in there?

[Sam and crew laughing]

[Ross speaking gibberish]

- The Amerikanshi "dildo".

[Ross continues speaking gibberish]

The Amerikanshi.

[speaks gibberish] Pierce Brosnan.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- Some people say that the
dildos our country makes

are inferior to the American
dildo, but I believe our dildos

are as strong as "Remington Steele,"

a TV show starring Pierce Brosnan.

- And I will cut you off
there. [buzzer buzzes]

Holy sh*t!

Paul, you can grab that for me, please.

- Take it back to the
Louvre. [laughs mockingly]

- [laughs] It's art.

[upbeat jaunty music]

- That brings us to round three

where our players will now hold hands

and jump into the abyss together.

- Yes.

- Ross.
- Yes, sir.

- Paul.
- That's me.

- Chris.
- Hey.

- Three soldiers bored
inside the Trojan Horse.

- Can I say that this sucks?

- Aeschylus, I'm glad
somebody had the guts

to finally says it because I
feel like Ulysses makes a plan

and everyone's like, "Oh, great idea."

And we're the ones who
gotta like, follow through.

- What are we supposed
to do once we're inside?

- They bring the horse
in, and then we jump out

and we're like, "We f*cking got you!"

- [laughs] "We got you!" Yeah.
- But they didn't tell us

how long we were gonna be in the horse.

- The thing is, we're so cramped in here

that I feel like it's gonna be more like,

[groans] "We're coming."
- I know.

- Like, we're not gonna be able
to spring out of the horse.

- Agamemnon didn't even
leave us any snacks in here.

- No, I'm starving.
- I'm starving.

- My legs are fully asleep and
they have been for an hour.

- Uh-huh.
- Oh, did you see Helen?

- Oh my god.
- Oh my god.

- The stories are true.
[buzzer buzzes]

- I will cut you off there.
- Launched 1,000 of my ships.

- [cackles] Holy sh*t, right?
- She's hot.

- Let's say eight totally normal points

with nothing suspicious inside them.

- Ooh.
- I get it.

- Beware if Reich is giving points.

- Ross.
- Yeah.

- [Sam] Paul.
- That's me.

- Chris.
- Hello.

- A German sitcom where hijinx

is handled swiftly and pragmatically.

- [German accent] Welcome
to the dance, gentlemen,

but you must be in formal wear,

and you must have
masquerade masks as well.

- [German accent] These specific requests

are unable to be fulfilled
by me in my current state!

- [German accent] Yes,
I too am ill-equipped

for these very specific items of clothing.

- Well, would you like us to
loan you a jacket and a mask?

- Yes, please.

- [Ross] Danke schön.
- [Paul] Danke schön.

- [feminine voice] Well,
here I am at the dance.

I hope that my old
boyfriends are not here.

- Oh no.
- Oh, drat.

- I am one of the old boyfriends

to which they were referring.

- I too am a former
paramour of this young lady.

- Oh well, it is my
time to leave. Goodbye.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- And now, let us enjoy
the song I have requested

from the disc jockey.

- I'm sorry, there's no
songs here to be requested.

- Then why do you have
two record turntables

in front of you?

- Because I dictate what songs are played.

What song did you desire?

- I want to hear "99 Luftballons."

- What? That is the only
record I have bought!

♪ Ninety-neunzig luftballons ♪

[Chris vocalizing "99
Luftballons" by Nena]

[buzzer buzzes]
- And...

That felt a little bit like
three Christoph Waltzs.

- Uh-huh.
- [Sam] At a prom.

- It's The Last Waltz. My god.

[Paul laughing]

- Humorless. I review you for one point.

- Fair.

- Last prompt of our game.
- No!

- What sword we gonna name this time?

[Paul laughing]

- Ross.
- Yes, sir.

- Paul.
- That's me.

- Chris.
- Yes.

- The Three Witches' spell
[Paul and Ross laughing]

uses only Trader Joe's products.

[Ross and Paul gleefully
cackling like witches]

- Bubble, bubble.
- Bubble.

- [All] Toil and trouble.

- Fire burn and cauldron bubble!

Into the pot goes
Peppermint Bark Joe-Joe's!

[Sam laughing and Ross cackling]

- That was the one that I remember.

- Sorry!

- A cup of the butter of
a peanut as dark as night.

- Soon this cauldron will heed the call

since it is the season of fall,

I bring an item that spells the doom,

the holiday Cinnamon Broom.
[Ross and Paul giggling]

- Your apartment shall smell seasonal!

Now to teem, into you
also goes Power Greens.

That all your plans
should wither and fail,

a mixture of spinach, chard, and kale.

[Paul laughing gleefully]

- And now to add to the potion fine,

a bottle of Uncle TJ's Wine.

- Oh, Charles Shaw!

This two buck Charles
shall complete the brew.

- Then we shall throw in not one buck,

but two!
- But two!

- And I will cut you off
there. [buzzer buzzes]

- You cut it off before
we could ring the bell

for some unknown reason.
- Yeah.

So how was your day?
[cast laughing]

- The cashier saying, "Oh, I
love these" amount of points

for the three of you.
[Ross and Paul giggle]

That brings us to the end of our show.

Our winner tonight...
- Oh my goodness.

[Paul gasps excitedly]

- Paul F. Tompkins.
- No! On my first very show?

- [Ross] Can't believe it.
- Paul, you are the recipient

of the coveted Golden Ear.

- Ew.

Thank you to everyone
who made this possible.

- That does it for us
here at "Make Some Noise."

Tune in next time for
more of the Game Samer.

I'm Sam Reich, and that
sounds pretty good to me.

Good night.

[warm upbeat music]

[warm upbeat music fades]