03x18 - A Date That Is Only Red Flags

[bunniefuu]

- [Sam] Tonight, escaping an argument

with the other two players,
it's Vic Michaelis!

- Hi.
- What did that even mean?

- [Vic] Shut up.
- What?

[Sam laughing]
[door slams]

- Ha! [laughs]

Fun. And I'm happy to be here.

Hi, Sam. How are you?

- [Sam] Walking through a wind
tunnel, it's Jacob Wysocki!

[lively upbeat music]
[footsteps stomp]

[Sam laughing]

- Hard to breathe in there!

- [Sam] And giving a
tour of this very studio,

it's Ally Beardsley!

- As you'll see, these
sconces are pre-w*r.

[Sam laughing]

- [Sam] They're all here to...

- [Cast] Make some noise!

[energetic exuberant music]

- Welcome to "Make Some Noise,"

the game so good we spun it off unchanged.

I am your host, Sam Reich.
Here's how the show works.

I have here a series of
improvisational prompts

our players have never seen before.

Isn't that right, players?

- Well, Sam, I've never
seen these prompts,

but there's a prompt you haven't seen

so why don't you go ahead
and check under your desk?

- Oh my god, there's something
taped to the bottom of...

I actually don't know what this...

Why does this say?

- [Ally] [laughs] Is it a handmade card?

- Fondest regards, Evelyn Tucci.

[cast laughing]
Un-f*cking-believable.

[Vic and Ally laughing]

They will, to the best of their ability,

fulfill those prompts.

I will award them corresponding points,

and the winner will go home
with the coveted Golden Ear,

which will do well in a
house with other ears,

maybe even a nose, but no children.

Players, are you ready to rumble?

[Vic exhales sharply]
- Yes.

[Jacob growls raspily]
- [Vic] Yes!

- First up, a little warm-up minigame.

[Jacob drums podium]
This is a little minigame

we like to call Take Some Direction.

How it works is, players,

I am gonna give you a line
of dialogue to repeat over

and over and over again.
[Jacob slapping face]

As I do, I'm gonna give you direction,

microadjustments, if you will,

in order to affect your performance.

Does that make sense?

- What did I sign up for, Sam?

[cast laughing]

- Big old welcome to the show.

- Thank you, thank you.
- [Sam] From all your friends.

- I feel like I am in a fever dream.

- Vic, we'll start with you. No direction.

My mama always said, "Life
is like a box of chocolates."

- My mama always said, "Life
is like a box of chocolates."

- Jake, give me a little bit more.

- [Southern] My mama always said

life was like a box of chocolates.

- Albus, give me a little bit more.

- [whispering] My mama always said,

"Life is like a box of chocolates."

- I'm getting Jason Statham.

- Sometimes less is more.

- Vic, with a forced smile.

- My mama always said, "Life
is like a box of chocolates."

- [Sam] Jake, swashbucklingly.

[Ally and Vic laughing]

- [gruffly] Mama always said

life was like a box of chocolates.

- Ally, for the 100th time.

- Babe, we got it. Just one more.

Okay.
[Jacob laughing]

- Self-tape?
[Sam and crew laughing]

- Could you turn around-
- Do you wanna say it again?

- Could you please just turn around?

- All right.
- Okay. [clears throat]

[Ally trills]

I'm Ally. I'm 5'9'' and
based in Los Angeles.

My mama al... [grunts in frustration]

- [Sam] Vic, balancing on a tightrope.

- My mama always said...

Whoa!

Life is like a box of what?

[Ally and crew laughing]

Chocolates.

- Jake, narrating a nature documentary.

- It's a rare sight, but
feast your eyes on the mother

as you can see the cub
suckling from her teat.

To that cub, it's as warm as chocolat.

[Sam and crew laughing]

Nature truly is

amazing!

- Ally, about to go in for the kiss.

[Ally and Jacob laughing]

- Anything said during
that moment is so cringe.

[Sam cackling]

[Vic giggling]

My mama always said, [chuckles]

"Life is like a box of chocolates."

- I'm gonna go.
[Ally and Vic laughing]

- Vic, delivering the president bad news.

- Mr. President of Dropout,

[Ally snickers]

[whispers] um, life is like a box of-

[Ally laughs]
My mama always said,

"Life is like a box of chocolates."

- We're gonna need to take a quick break.

[Ally and crew laughs]

Jake, like a mad scientist
monologuing to your creation.

[Jacob mimics lightning crackling]

[Jacob laughs maniacally]

[high-pitched]
- My mama always said,

my pretty creature,
[cast and crew laughing]

"Life is like a box of chocolates."

Live, eat, breathe!

- And last but not least,
Ally, God themself.

- People don't know I had a mom.

[Sam and crew laughing]

But my mama always said, "Life
is like a box of chocolates."

- That's a minigame.

- [Sam] I hope you feel warmed, players.

That brings us to round one.

Vic.

- Yes.

- Winner of the "Fear of
Public Speaking" award.

- Um, so I'd like to thank
you guys so much, um,

for joining me this evening.
- So I'm gonna need you

closer to the mic.
- What?

- I'm sorry. We need
you closer to the mic.

- For sure. Okay.

- Thank you. Thank you so much.

- Um, so I just wanted to thank
you guys for coming today.

Um, I'm just like, so
proud and happy to be here,

you know what I mean?

Like, my mom was always
like, "You can't do this."

And I thought to myself, "No, you can't."

So I-
[Sam and crew laughing]

So I would say, "Suck
it, Mom," but I can't

because she's very strong.

She beat me in an arm
wrestling contest one time,

and it was deeply embarrassing.

So I was just hoping that
I could take this award

and just sorta grab it
and get on outta here.

So um, thank you and thank
you all for being here.

But how do I get out?

I'm so happy and I'm grateful
and thank you for this.

- There's a check that you get.

- Huh?
- $10,000.

- Keep it.
- Oh.

[Sam laughs]
- [Vic] Keep it.

Can you turn the camera around on yourself

and can you do it for me maybe?

[buzzer blares]
- And I'll cut you off there,

Vic. [laughs]
[Ally laughing]

Just an absolute classic.
Vic exploring the space.

Well done. A quite a few [mumbles]
amount of points for you.

- 5,000 points. Whoa!

- Jake.
- Happy to be here.

- The most sophisticated
toilet in the world.

- Hello. Konnichiwa.

Sa-wat-di khrap.

Welcome.
[Sam and crew laugh]

Sit your bum on me.

Perfect.

Would you like me to vibrate your bum?

[Sam laughing]

Would you like some rocksteady
tunes while you use your bum?

[Sam and crew laughing]
My name is Toilette.

I'm happy to serve you.

Dump completed.
[Sam and crew laughing]

You had asparagus and celery

and vinegarette.

Can I do anything else for you?

I can write an essay. I
can fill out paperwork.

I can examine your taxes.

Come back.
[Sam laughs]

I'm more than just a machine.

[buzzer blares]
- [gasps] This is a toilet

that longs for something more!

- Wow.

- Number one? No.

Number two amount of points for you, Jake.

- Wow. Okay.
- Wow.

- Ally, a theory that the
world isn't round or flat

but something else entirely.
[Jacob guffawing]

- If it was round, we'd fall off.

If it was flat, we'd fall off.

[Sam laughs]

Which is why my theory is
that it's just a big basket,

[cast and crew laughs]

and we all live at the
bottom of the basket.

You know science excludes us, okay?

And people who read "The New
Yorker," they're mean to us,

and that's why I vote for Trump.

- Yeah, I just wanted five on pump six.

- And I'll get that for you, okay?

But do you wanna be in the
dark for the rest of your life?

Simple question.

- Uh...

- Simple question.

[Sam laughing]

- I guess so.
- What?

- I guess so.
- All right.

Well, I'll be here trying all the vapes

and putting 'em back in the package.

[Jacob and crew laughing]
[buzzer blares]

- [laughs] I can always count on you.

[Ally taps podium]

One spherical point at
the center of our universe

for you, Ally.
- Yes!

- Which brings us back to Vic.

[Vic taps podium rhythmically]

A cozy ASMR Twitch streamer
quietly rage quits.

[fabric rubs mic softly]
Yeah, totally.

- [soft and breathy] You know
what, I've been doing this for

I wanna say 12 years.

I feel like people aren't appreciating me,

and I've been doing this video for who?

For who, for 12 people? Okay.

I see my cousin on the stream
over and over and over again

and I know that this is
getting back to the family,

Cryptoplicase, but I'm not a joke anymore.

Matthew, Evelyn, f*ck off!

- [Vic] f*ck you!

Don't even think about coming
to Christmas and being like,

"Oh my god, how's the
YouTube channel going?"

Badly. I f*cking quit.

And don't even think about
looking me in the eyes

or DMing me to see if you
can get any more skinny tea

'cause guess what, you can't.

[Jacob snort laughs]

I'm f*cking done! It's f*cking over!

Like and subscribe.

Ring the bell. Thank you.
[buzzer blares]

- [Sam] Wow!
- Wow! [claps]

- Making use of the equipment
at your disposal, too.

- Well, you gotta.

- 36 donations, say in bits, for you.

- Thank you.

- Which brings us back to Jake.

Jacob, this one might be a
little familiar. I don't know.

A rock climber, using a
bunch of rock climbing lingo,

recollects his gnarliest climb.

- I had just dumped my
girlfriend, and I had taken my van

about 16 hours into the berth of Yosemite.

I was looking at the highest mountain

in the continental United
States, El Capitan.

As I started to crank into the fjords,

I remembered that everything

is all about biceptual
crunching and knuckle gripping.

My grip was at an 8,000
psi, but then I looked down

and I saw a group of people going,

"There's a comet coming
straight for El Capitan!"

And I said, "That's not gonna stop me,

for I am strong, noble, and big of hand."

So I continued to sorange up this cascade

as I saw the comet coming towards me

and I knew that I could
slack my belay around

and fully fling myself onto
the comet in which I rode

as I was doing a double
upside-down toe-hook grip

and it took me straight
to the top of El Capitan

where I pissed off the mountain.

[buzzer blares]
[Sam cackles]

- It felt to me like there might have been

some actual rock climbing
lingo, or did you just fool me?

- So all of my friends rock
climb and they don't invite me

'cause they know that's not my thing,

but I have to hear them
be like, "Brock belayed me

and I hit a 4.72 niner. [blows
raspberry] [crew laughs]

- A grade four class 5.11
amount of points for you, Jake.

- Wow.
- Huge.

- Which brings us to the
last prompt of round one.

- No way!

- Ally.
- Yes.

- Ally Beardsley's "What I
Spend in a Day" TikTok video.

[Vic and Ally laughing]

[Jacob clapping]

- Trying to decide how honest to go.

[Sam cackles]

Hey, what's up, TikTok? It's me, Ally.

I'm here at Erewhon overdrafting.

I decided to get a turmeric shot

'cause I think I'm getting sick,

but it's just because I
sleep next to a heater.

Next, I'm gonna go out to
my car, which is on empty.

And with Chime, you actually
get $25 of overdrafting,

so they will let me make
a second transaction.

We're gonna cook lunch at home,

which will be kinda like leftovers

that I'll have to apologize for eating.

And then...
[Sam and Vic laughing]

And now it's time for dinner,

and that's my favorite meal of the day

'cause that's where I get
to meet up with friends

and at the end, someone puts
their card down for points

'cause they're a real adult,

and you get to say that you'll Venmo them,

and then you'll kind of be
able to stretch that out

for at least like, five to six days,

which will give you enough
time to make the like,

$79 that that hummus cost.

[buzzer blares]
- Ally, I love that.

- Thank you, thank you.
Tricks of the trade.

- I guess, you know,

a whatever you have in your bank account

amount of points for you.

- Like 100,000.

- 100,000 in your bank
account? You gotta invest that.

- With Chime, I'm pretty sure
you have a 4.25 APY, right?

- [Ally] Exactly.
[cheerful upbeat music]

- That brings us to our second minigame.

This is a little minigame
we like to call Name That.

In this case, dogs.

Now, Jake, you've played this once before.

It went very well. I thought
we'd play it a second time.

Players, I'm going to show you a dog.

You buzz in and pitch
me a name for that dog.

Simple game. Does that make sense?

- Yes.

- First dog.

[vivacious upbeat music]

- [gasps] Shut up!

- Oh my god!
[Sam laughing]

♪ Boop beep boop, boo-doop-boo-doop bee ♪

- And of course, that is my buzzer sound.

- That's Jake's buzzer sound.

- Bark, James Bark.

- [gasps] That's really good.
- [Ally] That's good.

[bell rings]
- Ally.

- Grant O'Brien, bartending for...

- [laughs] For "Dirty Laundry"?

- For "Dirty Laundry."

[bell rings]
- [Sam] Vic.

♪ Just like a good guy ♪

♪ On the street, a little celebrity ♪

♪ Tiny little celebrity ♪
♪ He's a little celebrity ♪

- [laughs] I'm not quite
sure that that's a name in-

- Well, he'd have to deal
with the paw-parazzi.

[Sam gasps]
- Okay, stop.

- I am gonna take this
opportunity very quickly, players,

to introduce you to Natalie.
- Hello.

- [Sam] Who runs an organization

called MaeDay Rescue, which is-

- Hello.
- Hello.

- not only where all of
these dogs come from,

some of whom are available to adopt.

[Vic gasps excitedly]
But also was responsible

for rescuing the late, great Finnegan.

- Oh!
- Oh, wow!

A really human eye.
- [Vic] Are we allowed

to say hi or is that-
- [Natalie] Yeah.

- Really human eye.
- May we?

Oh my god, hello.

- What do you think?
- Oh my...

Am I walking out of here with six dogs?

- Yes. Yeah. [laughs]
[Sam and crew laughing]

- What's his name in real life?

- Hamilton.
- Oh! Tip of my tongue.

- That point in particular
is gonna go to Jake.

- This is too cute.
- Oh, this is so much better

than not being able to look at a pig.

[Sam and Vic laughing]
- [Jacob] Holy sh*t!

- If I could please have dog number two.

[spirited upbeat music]
- Oh boy.

[Sam laughing]
Oh, oh!

- Yeah!

♪ Boop dee boop, boo-doop
boo-ee-oo-ee-oo ♪

- Buzzer sound?

- Santa Fe.

- A great name.
- Santa Fe is really good

for this particular dog.
[bell rings]

- Cynthia Nixon.
[Sam and Vic laughing]

- I can kinda see it.

- [Ally] This dog looks like
it's on the campaign trail.

[bell rings]
- Vic.

- Ty, why aren't you coming
home with me tonight?

♪ A little celebrity dog ♪
[Sam cackling]

- Natalie, what's this dog's name?

- Clarence.
- Ah!

- Hi, Clarence.
- No, it's perfect!

- [Sam] Clarence is really sweet.

- [Vic] Clarence.
- [Natalie] Good boy.

- Sorry g*ng, this point,
again, is gonna go to Jacob.

- Wow!

- [Vic] Yeah, yeah, that's fine.

Can I pet the dog?
- Yes, of course.

[Ally laughing]
Clarence.

We are originally from New
Mexico, so the Santa Fe,

you really felt his vibes.

- Wow!
- I felt it. I just felt it.

- [Ally] Am I about to get another dog?

- [Natalie] Here we go.

- [Ally] There are three
dogs at my house right now.

- [Natalie] Come on.

- If I could please have dog number three.

[bright upbeat music]

- [Sam] Oh, look at that face.

- Wow.

[bell rings]
- Ally.

- Paw-ris Hilton.

[crew laughing]

- Now we're playing the game.

- Well, yeah, I'll take that.
[bell rings]

Barkby.
[Sam laughs]

- Barkby.

- [Sam] Very good.

[bell rings]
Ally.

- The woman next to you your
whole hike on Runyon Canyon.

[laughs] This is not gonna translate.

- No, it will, it will.
- [Ally] It's not gonna...

- I get it, I get it.

- I think that this point goes
to you for your first prompt.

If I could please have dog number four.

[upbeat music]

- Oh my!
- This is a giant puppy.

- Oh my god!

- [Sam] She's also in a lobster hat.

[bell rings]
Vic.

- The Lobster: The Film.

[Sam laughs]

- Oh, you are nice. Oh.
- [Ally] Oh, the tail wag!

It's even like a clumsy tail wag.

- A curly tail wag.
- [Ally] Yes!

♪ Shoo dee doo, doo-doo-doo ♪

- Jacob.
- Cheese Cart.

Great Pyrenees, they used
to pull cheese carts.

- Thanks for the context.

- It's a Brennan Lee Mulligan
moment from Jacob Wysocki.

- Yeah, it's totally, totally.

I'm just like, oh my gosh!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. May I?

- I have to touch this dog.
- Thank you.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- [Jacob] He looks so soft.
- [Ally] So soft.

- Hello, angel.
- What's the actual?

Can we know the?

- So because she's French,
then you weren't far off again.

- Hey, sweetie.

- They're naming her Gouda.

- Gouda!
- You're kidding!

- Jake, you're like, psychic or something.

- [Natalie] He's psychic today.

- [Ally] Cheese Cart!

- This is amazing. Thank you so much.

- Of course.
- [Sam] Let's keep going.

- Here we go.

- That one is gonna go to Jake.

- [Vic] Yeah, sure. For sure.
- [Ally] Wow.

- If I could please have dog number five.

[bell rings]
Vic.

- Mi-ne.
[Sam and Natalie laughing]

♪ Boop beep boop, boo-doop,
boo-ee-oo-ee-oo-ee-oo ♪

- Jacob.
- Midnight Toker.

- [Sam] [laughs] Love that!

[bell rings]
Vic.

- Y'allbite Mardi-paws.

- Oh god!
- Nice! Really good.

- [Sam] Vic's playing.
- [Vic] Gotta get one point

in there.
- Vic's back in.

- [Ally] Vic's back. [laughs]

- That point is gonna go to Vic.

- [Jacob] Mardi-paws is 10 out of 10.

- [Ally] Mardi-paws is
great. Bye, sweetie.

- I'm gonna end up with nine dogs, Sam.

- If I could please have dog number six.

[smooth upbeat music]
- [Jacob] Ooh, f*ck.

- Another puppy. [laughs]

♪ Boop beep boop, boo-doo-boo-doo-boo ♪

- L. Ron Hubbard.

[Sam and crew laughing]

[bell rings]
- [Vic] His little belly.

- Ally.

- Officer

[Jacob smacks fist]
Bones.

[Sam and Ally laughing]

My man.
- [Jacob] Yeah.

- [laughs] My man.
[bell rings]

- Vic.
- A Gentleman and a paw-ficer.

- [Ally] Oh!
- Yeah.

- [Sam] I think that point-

- Aw.
- [Jacob] Aw.

Get it off.

- I think that point is gonna go to Vic,

as if Vic didn't have
enough of a reward already.

- Stick around!

- [Vic] What do you think
about long-form improv?

[Sam laughing]
- [Ally] Hi!

- Natalie, thank you
so much for everything.

[crew clapping]
What you do is so important.

[lively cheerful music]

That brings us to round
two where our players

will now test their
talents in teams of two.

- Ping.

- Vic.
- Yes.

- And Jacob.
- Yeah.

- Whoops!

You zoned out staring into the abyss

and now it thinks you're interested.

- Take a picture, it
lasts longer. [laughs]

- Sorry, what?

- Oh, sorry. Did I disturb you?

- No, I'm so sorry. I
wasn't like, looking at you.

I was just sorta like...

- It's okay if you were.

- Oh. [laughs]
[Sam chortling]

No, it's just, I was listening to a song

and it reminded me of a
song I used to listen to.

Do you know the, it's like a horse TV show

that I was thinking about,

and then I was like-
- "Mister Ed"?

- No, it was like a "Saddle
Club," I think it was called,

and there's a theme song
that goes along with it

and I was like, "What is that song?"

I mean like, it's not a good story.

I'm not saying it's a good story.

- You're funny.

[Sam cackling]

You're really funny. You can call me Aby.

- What?
- Call me Aby.

What's your name?

- I'm Shelby.

- Hey, nice to me you, Shelby.

- Oh. [laughs]

- You know you're welcome here anytime.

- Oh, no, I have a...

- What do you have?
- Fiancé. I have a fiancé, so.

- He can't see me.

[Sam laughs]

He probably doesn't even
give himself a beat.

He's always so go, go,
go. Gotta go, gotta go.

I'm sure he'd never be able
to see a person like me.

- I should get going.

Thank you so much for the
conversation. This was wonderful.

- You sure?

- Am I sure what?

[Jacob chuckles]

- Yeah, you're gonna stay a while.

[Sam and Ally laughing]
[buzzer blares]

- Oh my god, let's say a vast expanse

of absolute nothing amount of
points for the both of you.

Jacob.
- Hi.

- And Ally.
- Ooh.

- A date that is only red flags.

- Sorry I'm late.

I was waiting to get
into a handicapped spot.

- Oh, that's okay.
[Sam and crew laughing]

You have to tell me if you're a cop.

- I'm not a cop. Are you a cop?

- No.

- You don't look as bad
as I thought you'd look.

- Thank you. I really appreciate honesty.

Everyone's always lying to me.

Yeah, uh-

- You want me to order for both of us?

- I would actually really like that.

I'm microdosing. [chuckles]

- LSD or mushrooms?

- Both.
- Cool.

- Yeah.
- Cool.

Could we get two burrito bowls, please?

- Oh, I'm sorry. I don't do Mexican food.

- Why?

[crew and Sam laughing]

- My IBS is already off the charts today.

- Mm-hmm. We can go somewhere else.

We're actually gonna
leave, you piece of sh*t.

- Servicepeople are so annoying.

- f*cking buck up, get an
education and help yourself.

- Thank you.
- I did it.

- Thank you.
- I went to online school.

- Oh my gosh, me too.
- Yeah.

Say it, one, two, three.
- One, two, three.

- DeVry!
- Arms!

- Oh, Arms?
- Arms, missiles.

Yeah, I fly drones for the US military.

- That is so sick.
- Yeah.

Oh, you think that's cool?
- You guys either have to sit

at a table or you have to leave.

- Hey!
- Your voice is bad.

[Sam and crew laughing]

[buzzer blares]

- [Sam] I will cut you off there.

Although, honestly, I coulda
kept that going for a while.

That was really fun.

- I think we had a lot
of gas left in the tank.

- Yeah, honestly, I think we did.

- As you slowly morph into yourselves.

- Yeah.
[Jacob and Ally laughing]

- 80 points to you both but
-100 to everyone within earshot.

That was rough for the rest of us.

- That's me.

- Ally.
- Yes.

- And Vic.
- Yes.

- Trying to exchange your brain

at life's customer service department.

- Hi, how can I help you?
- Thanks.

My brain's bad.
[Sam chortles]

- What is wrong with the brain?

- It's just kinda, you know,

not as good as some of the other ones,

and I was just wondering
how that happened.

- See, listen, we get that a lot,

and a lot of it is user
error, we're noticing.

It's not like a factory defect so much

as like sorta when you take it home,

what you're doing with it.
- I was on the phone

with people for hours.
- [Vic] Right.

- Like, I turned it off
and it I turned it back on.

No difference.

- Okay, so I'm gonna make a note of that.

So you have the gluten allergy, yes?

- Yeah, I do.
- Okay, great.

- It's bad and it's in soy sauce

and I didn't know that for a decade.

- Great, so I am seeing that
here. Okay, commitment issues.

- Yeah, definitely.
- Right, okay.

Okay, so we can't give
you a full new brain,

but you can exchange it for life credit.

- Life credit?

- Yeah, so we can give
you a Dave & Buster's,

sort of like, card.

- No, no, no.
- [Vic] Points.

- Please, just even
like one segment of it.

Can I just give you the one
that doesn't work anymore?

- Okay, what segment are you
looking to exchange in here?

- The whole right side.

- The creative side?

- Oh, sorry. The whole left side.

[buzzer blares] [Sam laughs]
- [Vic] I thought so.

- $60 in store credit amount
of points for the both of you.

Vic.
- Yes.

- And Jake.
- Whee-hee-hee.

- Never tried anything like this before.

Let me know if you need any help.

We cut back to last
season's Mr. Mayo scene,

still in progress.

- I'd like to play a game.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- I like games.

- 80-hour workweek, not
any time for the family.

Not saying hello to the
kids when they call.

Not giving the husband the time of day.

- What do you want from me, you sick f*ck?

- Above you is a clock
that says six minutes.

- The exact time before I
have to clock into my shift.

- The only way out is a key
in this giant [grunting]

[Sam laughing]

tub of mayonnaise!

- Yeah? And so what, I'm just-

- You want out? You wanna live your life?

You wanna be a big corporate superstar?

- So I'm just gonna, I'm
gonna open this giant lid

and I'm gonna take it off
and then I'm gonna dig

through this giant vat
of mayo for you, huh?

- Yeah, and then you'll maybe see

what it really is to be alive.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- That's so weird because it's almost like

you fell right into my trap, you idiot.

I got just enough time to
come in and get a sandwich.

Mr. Mayonnaise's, I want my sandwich

without mayonnaise on it.

Do I look familiar to you?

[Sam and crew laughing]

Do I look f*cking familiar
to you, you son of a b*tch?

[Ally laughing]

- Dr. Mustard?

- It's me, baby!
[Sam cackling]

[Jacob mimics mayo blasting]
[Sam and crew laughing]

[buzzer blares]

- [Sam] Yeah! Oh sh*t!

- God.
- [Sam] That is-

- So it's good you came back
'cause there was a lot more.

- There was a lot more to unpack there.

- There was a lot, lot more.
- [Ally] Yeah.

- We'll say nine points,
hold the mayo for you both.

Jacob.
- Hi.

- And Ally.
- Yes.

- The devil welcomes Jacob Wysocki,

the first ever person to go to hell.

- Hi, I'm Jacob Wysocki.

- Oh!

- Hey. Hi.

Oh, ah! f*ck!
- [Ally] Sorry, sorry.

Where did you come from?
- That's f*cking hot, dude!

- Where did you come from?
How did you get in here?

- I don't know, the last thing I remember,

I was taking a bend really
fast through Canon Drive.

- [Ally] Okay...
[Sam laughing]

- I was listening to some
pretty thrashy music,

and I was just barreling down.

- You're kind of freaking me out, man.

- Wait, so I'm harshing your vibe?

- Yeah, I...

- Then I can go.

- No, no, no.
- [Jacob] I can for sure go.

- No, please.

- I don't wanna put anybody out.

- It's my job.

I just need to say,

lot of freaky people did
not wind up here, okay?

- [Jacob] All right.
- There are a lot of layers.

You're at the bottom layer.

- Maybe we could just
start with what here is.

- I'm sorry, I have a whole
thing I'm supposed to do.

I welcome you to hell,
you evil bad little girl.

I'm sorry. I was sexist
when we wrote this.

Here are your keys, and
you're in room number one.

- I'm in hell?

- I'm just really not
used to having a roommate.

Do you like anime?

- I'll watch it, but it's not my fave.

Just, no, you tell me the
rules. This is your zone.

- No talking.
[Sam and Vic laughing]

And if you drink a
seltzer from the fridge,

you better replace it with a warm one

so it'll be cold by the
time I need one, okay?

- Yeah.
[buzzer blares]

- I think I'll cut this off there.

That's as good a point as any. Damn!

Way to navigate your way
through a tricky scene,

the two of you.

- It's so weird being yourself.

[Ally laughing]
- [Sam] Wow!

- Amen, brother.
- Whoa!

- 666 points for the two of you.

- That's right.

- Last prompt of round two, Ally and Vic.

- Yeah.

- This census taker might be
trying to move in with you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm here with the US Census.
- Yeah.

- We do the Census every 10 years,

so I was just coming to ask you-

- I know.
- a couple of questions.

- Do you wanna come in?

I feel like you guys-
- [Vic] Yes!

- are always treated so poorly.

- Yes.
- Please, come in.

- Vampire-style, we have to be invited,

so this is wonderful.
- Okay.

- Whoa! This is beautiful!

- Thank you!
- Yes.

- Thank you, yeah, actually I've been here

for about nine years, write that down.

- Okay, yes, yes. How many
people live in the house?

- Just me. Yeah.
- Really?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Three bedrooms?
- Yeah.

Three bedrooms, a half bath.
- Whoa! Okay.

Fun, fun, fun, fun.

Do you smoke? Do you stay up late?

- Is that on the Census now?

- Do you play loud music?
- Okay.

- Do you have instruments?

- No, no. I'm a pretty quiet person.

I just-
- Same.

[groans] I've been doing this all day.

[Ally laughs]
[laughs] I'm so tired!

- Okay.

- God, what are you doing
with those other bedrooms?

- Uh, um...
- What if I stayed in one?

- Oh. [laughs]
[Vic laughing]

- Right, right, right?

What if I stayed in one
and I wrote that down?

And then there'd be two
of us staying here, right?

What if I went in this
room and closed the door.

- Oh.
- Oh, oh no, oh no!

I'm in here now.

- Hey-
- Oh, oh.

What if we Zillowed this place

and I'm Venmoing you for half of the rent?

- I can't tell if any of
this is on the Census.

Can you please come out? I... [chuckles]

Hi?

- You have to promise not to be mad at me.

[Sam laughing]
- Uh, okay.

- Can you just come to the
door and I'll tell you?

- Okay.

- I'm gonna write down on a slip of paper

and I'm gonna slip it under the door

and you have to promise
not to be mad at me.

- What did you do?

[crew and Sam laughing]

You're Dr. Mustard?

- I k*lled so many people accidentally.

[buzzer blares]

- Were you handing that
to Ally to figure it out?

- Yep.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughs]

- That's a great improv tool right there.

- I wrote down a perfect button.

- [Sam] Yeah.
- And I folded it up.

- Yeah, it's such a great button.

- And I sent it.

- 525 square points to the both of you.

[cheerful upbeat music]

That brings us to our
third and final minigame.

This is a minigame that we
like to call Make a Hook.

How it works is, players,

I'm gonna give you all just
a little snippet of a rap.

You are gonna jump in after my rap

with the hook to said rap song.

Don't worry, there is
Auto-Tune on this mic.

- Oh my god!
- f*ck it. All right.

- [Ally] Oh my god.
- That make sense?

- I think we're the
perfect group for this.

- Yeah. [laughs]
[Sam laughing]

- Vic, let's have you
approach the microphone.

- Oh my god.
- Okay.

No, I feel amazing about this.
- I don't envy you.

- [Sam] Wanna test?
♪ Hello ♪

♪ Come on ♪

- Live!

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

- [Sam] Perfect!
[Jacob and Ally chortling]

This is a song called "Celiac."

- Mm-hmm.
- [Sam] And music.

♪ Don't you know I can't have no gluten ♪

♪ Get out of my face
with that Fig Newton. ♪

♪ Ladies love me, they/thems feared me ♪

♪ It's the anthem of Ally Beardsley ♪

♪ Ladies love me, they/thems feared me ♪

♪ It is the anthem of Ally Beardsley ♪

- That's great!

- Wow! [clapping]
[Jacob and crew clapping]

Okay, I can do that.

I can do that.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Jake, that's you.

- Okay.
- Wow.

- Jake, this song is called
"Past My Bedtime." Got it?

And music.

♪ Don't you know it's a quarter to 11:00 ♪

♪ Tomorrow I gotta be awake by 7:00 ♪

♪ I'm a bad boy, staying up all night ♪

♪ I'm a tryhard ♪

♪ You ain't gonna tell me goodnight ♪

♪ I'm a bad, bad boy ♪

♪ I'm a bad, bad boy ♪

- Hell yeah, Jake!
[crew cheering]

[cast and crew clapping]

That's f*cking great!

Ally.

- Famously love to sing
in public. [laughs]

- Yeah.

Ally, this is called, "Share My Uber."

And music.

♪ Don't you know I hit pool for a reason ♪

♪ Open up the backseat and squeeze in ♪

♪ There was a show called Shaft ♪

♪ And I'm in overdrive ♪

[Ally and Sam laughing]

♪ Can I just say ♪

♪ When I was at Boom
Chicago for three years ♪

♪ I never had to sing
because my timing is so bad ♪

[Ally and Sam laughing]

- Ally, Ally. [claps] Damn.

I am gonna say, for their
tribute to Ally Beardsley,

that that point goes to Vic Michaelis.

- Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- [Jacob] That was fun as hell.

- And that is a minigame.

- That was so fun.
- Yeah.

[bright upbeat music]

- That takes us to round three

where our players will now hold hands

and jump into the abyss together.

- Ooh!
- Oh.

- Vic.
- Yes.

- Jake.
- Ah!

- Ally.
- Eh.

- Showing your friends a YouTube video

but it's not really hitting.

- Can I put something on?

- Uh, sure. Yeah.
- Oh yeah.

- Can I put something on?
- I would love it, yeah.

- Yeah, so this person just like,

drives a motorcycle through
different countries.

Right now, they're
going through the Congo.

It's really cool.

- [Ally] Wait, sick.
- Oh, fun.

- Okay, cool. Yeah.
- Yeah.

[Jacob mimics typing]

[Jacob mimics tapping buttons]

[Sam and crew laughing]

[Vic chuckles lightly]
Usually, the bike starts.

Maybe there's just like,

some mechanical issues or something.

- Is this live?

- Oh, did you see the
live action "Jungle Book"?

- Oh my god, that's so funny.

Yes, that was really-
- Once the bike starts,

like, when they start cruising,

they're gonna drive through
like a national forest.

- That's so-
- And there's like, gorillas.

There are like, sometimes
like, elephants and stuff.

- Oh.

- Don't. What are you doing?

- Oh, sorry. I just was checking
to see if the food's here.

- The doorbell will ring.
[crew and Sam laughing]

So what's cool is like,
she's like, from Germany.

- Oh, sh*t.
- She's from Germany,

and then she's like, done Alaska before.

- Fun, fun.
- That's like,

the name of her bike is Alaska.

- Oh.
- Yeah, yeah.

It's like, kind of like
the other personality.

- Oh, that's why she rode it on-

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Right.
- [Ally] Yeah, it's-

- How is your brother doing?

- He's good.

- [Vic] Oh, great
- Yeah, he's really good.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[Sam laughing]

Whoa, it started!
[buzzer blares]

The bike started!

- I'll cut you off there. [laughs]

Intensely relatable.

Like, let's say 27 rapidly
backpedaling points

for the three of you.

Vic.
- Yes.

- Jake.
[Jacob claps]

Ally.
- Yeah!

- A sex ed teacher who just said,

"There are no dumb questions"

receives a flurry of stupid questions.

- Right, okay, so um...

[Jacob and Sam guffawing]

- Sorry.

- Yes.

- So, if you have to pee
while you're having sex,

does it come out a different hole?

- If you have to pee
when you're having sex

does it come out a different hole?

So the answer to that is no.

It would come out the same hole

so you're gonna have to hold it

and then maybe go afterwards.

That's healthy to do anyway.

Yes, Ivan.

- I've heard that butt pregnancy
is ill*gal and not possible

but somebody told me that if
it's long enough it can happen.

True or false?

- Right, so just to sorta parcel this out,

somebody told you that it
was ill*gal and impossible.

Right, nothing ill*gal.

a**l sex is very normal, totally healthy,

and there is no such
thing at butt pregnancy

so I hope that answers your question.

- Even if it's long enough?

- What does that mean?
[crew laughing]

Yes, Jacob.

- Okay, so would you know
if you were butt pregnant?

[crew and Sam laughing]

- Would you know if
you were butt pregnant?

- And would the cops know?

- No, you wouldn't know
if you were butt pregnant

'cause again, you cannot be butt pregnant.

[sighs] Oh god. Yeah,
Ivan, let's go to you.

And then Jacob, I'm gonna
answer your question

and then we are gonna cut it

'cause I know you two
gotta get to orchestra.

Yes.

- t*ts or a*s?

- It's a preference and I
can't answer that question.

- Where do you live?

- I live at your home,
and I think you know that.

- Is piss c*m?

- No, piss is not c*m. That's
actually a pretty easy one.

- Are you sure piss isn't c*m?

- Jacob, can I talk to you for one second?

- Yeah, totally.
- Ooh!

- Hey, your dad and I love you so much.

- I know.
- You know that?

- I don't like it when
you're good. [laughs]

- Classic Vic twist. Classic.
[Ally laughing]

You already know the number of
points that you get for that.

- 69.

- [Sam] [clears throat] That's correct.

The penultimate prompt of our game.

- Whoa.
- Oh!

- Vic.
- Yes.

- Jake.
- Hi.

- Ally.
- Yeah?

- The three-legged little plastic table

in the middle of your pizza.

- I stepped in sh*t.

- Why didn't you clean it
off before you got to work?

- Like old sh*t or new sh*t?

- I couldn't tell.

- Dog?
- It was huge!

- Well, listen, listen,
listen. This used to be fun.

We got into this 'cause
we were three best friends

and we were like,

"Let's do something
that we love together."

- We all agreed to that
and we brainstormed

and we said, "What is missing?"

- [Vic] Missing.

- Tables for pizza.
- [Vic & Ally] for pizzas.

- Yes, totally.
- I know, I know, I know.

- Let's just roll to the sink.
- Okay.

- We'll take the point for being late.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- And then we won't get
harassed for being shitty.

- Okay, all right.
- Okay?

- Okay, so just pop off
the pizza here for one sec.

- [Jacob] Yep.
- Ready?

- Un, deux, trois.

[plastic pops free]

And just go ahead, roll to the sink.

- [Vic] Roll to the sink,
roll to the sink. Okay.

- Good job.
- All right.

- Good stuff.
- [Ally] All right.

Okay, great.
- [Jacob] All right?

All right.
- [Ally] Mm.

- [Jacob] Now, wash up.

- Okay, wash up.
- Okay, sorry.

Okay, yeah. Thank you.
[Jacob mimics water rushing]

- Guys, I don't know how
much longer I can do this.

- Me neither.
[Sam laughs]

- [Ally] What?

- You can't say that this was like,

what you dreamed that it was gonna be.

- No, I actually have a really good time.

Thank you.
- All right.

- Most of it's off.

[Sam cackling]

Okay.

- I wanna figure out an exit strategy.

- Onto the pizza.

Okay, what is this gonna lend
itself to? What kinda work?

- I thought that I was gonna peel off

and I was gonna keep a tent in place.

- [Ally] What?

- You're trying to go solo?
- You're gonna be a stake?

- You wanna go solo?
- What?

I thought that's what you were saying.

I'm just like, we've been
spending a lot of time-

- No, together! The same-
- No, we have to repurpose.

- What do you mean, together?
- The same-

- What's a table with two legs?

- What about how this has been going

over the last four years makes you think

that I would wanna be with you
guys for the next, like what?

- Whoa!
- Yo, yo!

- Don't act like I'm going crazy!

- When Broadway dancers are
tired of dancing, they direct!

They do something different.
- Yes!

- They do something adjacent.

- Or they splinter apart
and they keep a tent

from billowing in the wind.

I don't know why that's crazy.
- You couldn't stand

on your own, all right!

[Sam laughing]

- No, don't! No, don't!
- No, no!

- No! Ow, no!
- No! No!

- No! No!
- No! No, please!

- Look at me standing!

- No! Oh!
[Sam laughing]

- Okay, okay.
[buzzer blares]

- Okay, you were right.
Wow, immediate validation.

Better ingredients,
better pizza. 13 points.

[Ally laughs]
- Whoa.

- Last prompt of our game.

Vic.
- Yes.

- Jake.
- Ah.

- Ally.
- Yeah.

- The DVD commentary over this
"Make Some Noise" episode.

- Oh, we're walking out.

Look at that.
- [Sam] Vic Michaelis!

- Oh!
- Look at that! Look at us!

- Oh yeah.

- Oh my god, the wind tunnel.

- Oh, that was funny.
- That was funny, yeah.

- That was really fun.
That was a good setup.

- Holy sh*t.
- [Jacob] I appreciate that.

- You got the braid going.
- [Jacob] Uh-huh.

- It really was sort of like the movement,

I think, of your hair was nice.

- Hard to breathe in there!
- It was so short there, huh?

- [Sam] Ally Beardsley!
- This was my first time

on "Make Some Noise."

- I couldn't tell. I couldn't tell.

- I could, I could.
[Sam laughing]

- I was looking out for
it though, you know?

- They cut so much of
that crazy stuff I said.

- Mm-hmm.
- You guys remember that?

- I remember here in the
beginning of the first minigame,

I was just thinking I was ready to go.

- Yeah, totally.

- I'm happy they cut my
moment, you know what I mean?

That I was having that
little moment, you know?

- It's crazy.

It's almost like they've cut
out most of your prompts.

- Yeah, it's weird. I
remembered being in the episode.

- [Ally] Yeah.
- Yeah.

- [Ally] That's so funny.
- It's weird.

- It's kinda crazy.

It's just like there's
just two podiums and Sam.

- Yeah. Oh, there's my hair!

And it's gone.

- Hey, Vic, did something happen?

'Cause after this,

you didn't ever do another
Dropout thing again.

[Sam laughing]

- Yeah, what I remember is you like,

put something under the desk

and then you were never asked back.

- Oh my god, yes.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Well, and Sam was really...

'Cause I sorta, he said it
was an Evelyn Tucci thing,

and really it was the
coordinates to his house,

and I said, "I sent this to eight people."

[Sam laughs]
- Oh, it's the dogs!

- [Cast] Oh, it's the dogs!

- Yeah!
- Oh my god!

[buzzer blares]
- [Jacob] Is it over?

- A special feature menu's
worth of points to you all.

That brings us to the end of our show.

Our winner tonight:

[paper crinkling]

Jacob Wysocki.
- Yeah!

- Come on
- Come on.

- You are the recipient

of the coveted Golden Ear.
- Come on!

- [Ally] Yes!

- I don't have enough room for this!

- [Ally] Yes!
- That does it for us

here at "Make Some Noise."

Tune in next time for
more of the Game Samer.

I'm Sam Reich, and that
sounds pretty good to me.

Good night.

[easygoing music]

[easygoing music fades]