09x03 - Rick Fu Hustle

[bunniefuu]

Jerry, this is disgusting.

How did it get
so dirty already?

Because your crappy pool bot
doesn't work.

Pool not found.
Searching.

But the guy that lives
behind the pool-store Dumpster

gave me a sweet deal.

Oh, my God, why didn't
you hire Keith the pool guy

like I told you?

[Sloop!]

Keith's schedule
was full.

What are you jackoffs
talking about?

Ooh, Jerry's new pool sucks?

Allow me.

No, Rick,
this is my pool!

I can handle this mess
without your sci-fi shenanigans.

Copy that.

Treat Jerry like a baby
so he can feel like a man.

Come on, Rick, let's go.

Gotta scoot.

Finally taking Morty
to Boob World.

And we need to stop by the store
for supplies.

Good luck with your septic tank,
Jerry. [ Burps ]

Ugh.
I gotta go to work.

Someone's gotta win
the bread around here.

Pool not found.
Searching.

Trader Joe's
hashbrowns --

the most efficient booze
absorber in the multiverse.

Think you're supposed
to heat those up first, big guy.

No, look, Morty, my mouth
is an air fryer now.

It's really happening,
huh?

I'm finally going
to Boob World.

Oh, yeah!
Boob World, baby!

Oh, damn it!
What the...

It appears there has been
an accident.

That happens. No harm, no foul.
Have a good one, buddy.

We should exchange
information before going

our separate ways.

We could go even "separater"
ways by not exchanging anything.

But our bumpers
collided.

Oh, my God, is this
how you make friends?

Is this how
you make enemies?

What the hell
does that mean?

Rick, stop!

He started it.

He did not start it.

Be the bigger man so we can
go to Boob World already!

f*ck that. We gotta set
this idiot straight.

Look, buddy,

it's obvious you're some kind of
heightened Kung Fu archetype.

But I'm
a Doctor Who-Loki.

And people like you
are like NPCs to me.

So do yourself a favor
and --

[ Grunting ]

[ Crowd gasps ]

I have struck you

with the Five Point
Exploding Heart Technique --

the most fatal punch in all
of martial arts.

Victims are able to walk
only five steps forward

before their heart explodes.

Five steps forward?

Try it and find out.

Don't tell me what to do.

I'll find out with science.

Nice day for a backwards walk.

Are you really gonna --

No, stupid!

Pull the car around
and pick me up!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

What did that idiot
do to me?

This doesn't make
any damn sense.

Just apologize.

Haven't we done
clones enough?

Not a clone, Morty.
A Xerox of me

that I've lobotomized
to be a crash-test dummy.

Look at my ba*ls!

Hey, do us a favor.

Walk forward
five to six steps.

Your choice.

One. Two.
Three. Four.

Huh?
So this is legit.

Better take
a closer look.

Look at my ball--

There are over 700 meridians
in the human body.

Mr. Kung Fu struck
specific pressure points in me

and induced commotio cordis.

Five steps forward will cause
massive compression build-up,

causing my heart to explode
under its own pressure.

Let's see what happens
when I attach a copy of my heart

to a copy of my legs.

Interesting, huh?

More gross than interesting.
So far, we're on brand.

f*ck you.
Watch this.

[ Heart beating ]

See that? Cardiac
detonation is triggered

only by forward
bipedal movement.

I can't believe I'm missing
Boob World for this!

Just apologize
to the guy.

Maybe he'll un-punch you.

The day I apologize will be
because I am truly sorry.

I don't sully apologies
by making it a ritual

of flagellation for someone who,
in this case, is a bully.

You called the man
an NPC.

Why do you always have
to take the side of the waiter?

Because your side
is insane!

Okay, then.
f*ck off.

Maybe I will!

Go ahead!

No one's stopping you!

Fine!

This is me f*cking off
out of the f*cking garage

because you...suck.

No, you...suck.

You...

You...

Pool not found.
Searching.

Pool not found.

The pool is right behind you.

Just turn around,
you stupid thing.

No! [ Sighs ]

Jerry, this is your moment.

Be a man and figure it out.

Hi, there,
emasculated pool dads.

Okay. Specific.

Is your pool gross?

Does your family
not respect you?

Don't worry.

I'll show you
how to upgrade your TR-X1

and clean your pool
better than any human being.

But first, let's discuss
the history of pool cleaning.

Oh, boy.
This is three hours?

...really important to never --
'Cause it's dangerous.

Bloody stuff of nightmares!

Now that we've gone over
the safety guidelines,

click the link below for
a list of long language models.

Be sure to upload them --

I get it.

[ Beeps ]

[ Beeping ]

Pool detected.
Clean, clean, clean...

I did it!
I made something work!

I am the greatest husband alive!

Walk backwards the rest
of your life.

God, see if I care.

Uh...hi.

You, uh...

You death punched
my grandpa this morning?

That was unfortunate.

I did not study under See-Foo
Gerd Jergins at Tiger's Nest

to beat up old people.

The point of martial arts
is to avoid violence.

I am Liu Sin.

Oh, um, I'm Morty Smith.

Is it r*cist to say I adore
your Kung Fu patience?

I can teach you.

Racism?

No. Kung Fu.

[ Bird squawks ]

Breathe.

Feel your Chi
circulate within.

[ Exhales ]

Very good, Morty.

This is great.

Life with Rick is filled
with so much anxiety.

Alrighty, Mr. Sin,

I didn't have the right cables
to hook up the flat screen.

It's gonna cost a bit extra
to get those.

Hmm. Pity.

Jesus!
Don't step forward.

You only get five steps
before you die!

But I have so much
to do today.

Uhh.

What was up with that guy?

Dude! He was just doing
his job, and you k*lled him.

Is that a criticism?

Activate
Advance-Limitation Suit.

Ha ha! Look who ain't stepping
forward now, baby!

Morty:
[ Crying ] Rick!

Rick!

Morty, what happened?

I got death punched.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
my little pooh-bah!

I went back to Trader Joe's
to eat my feelings

because I was mad at you.

But then I ran into Liu Sin,
and he punched me.

Nobody f*ck with my
sweet little grandson.

First, I'm gonna cure the d*ck
off this death punch, Morty.

And then I'm gonna destroy

Mr. Liu Sin's
entire belief system!

Clean, clean, clean.
Task complete.

Awaiting command.

Amazing!
Oh, I gotta tell Beth.

[ Cellphone rings ]

Uh, hello?
Beth, I fixed the pool.

Uh, great.
Did you hire Keith?

No. The pool is clean
because of me.

Come home and look.

Jerry, please.
I am literally

in the middle
of something.

[ Call ends ]

Oh.

f*ck' phone.
Where'd you go?

Awaiting command.

[ Sighs ]

[ Laughing ]
Whatcha doing?

Clean?

Alright.

This pool isn't gonna
swim itself.

How are you gonna clean --
Oh. That's nice.

Wow. You...
You're really being thorough.

Maybe we...we should stop.

[ Romantic music playing ]

♪ Oh, baby, now I'm lost ♪

♪ In your secret love ♪

♪ You pulled me down ♪

♪ Where no one can find us ♪

♪ My lover
in the darkest part of night ♪

♪ They'll never pull me
from your arms ♪

♪ And into the light ♪

♪ Ohhhh ♪

♪ Ohhh ♪

[ Dramatic Asian music plays ]

I'd be pissed
if I had to climb

all these stupid steps
with my legs.

[ Gong sounds ]

What is it?
I'm watching TV.

Are you Gerd Jergins?

Did you train a guy
named Liu Sin?

Ugh, that guy sucks.

We're in these antigrav suits

'cause your student
death punched us.

You are not alone.

Liu Sin death punched
my cat.

Ouch!

I want to do a bunch
of science on your punch

to cure ourselves.

Just need to collect a little
more Kung Fu data from you

so I can hack it.

You think me dumb?

If I help you unlock the secrets
of pressure-point fighting,

you are going to revenge
all over Liu Sin.

The solution to violence
is not more violence.

[ Cellphone rings ]

Hello? Are you coming over
for mother's birthday or not?

What? No, no, no, no,
you cannot bring all of them.

I'm not the one being difficult.
You may bring one partner.

One. Not seven,
for crying out loud.

It's weird!

[ Call ends ]

Oh, sh*t.

Trouble in paradise?

Oh, my daughter and I
have a tricky relationship.

She is what the kids
call today a "polycule."

In my day,
we called them sluts.

If we helped you fix
things with your daughter,

would you help us?

Hmmmmmmmmmm-
mmmmmmmmmmm.

Oh, my God, what have I done?

To confirm setting
a daily reminder

for pool bot sexy time,
say yes.

What?

I have compiled a list

of divorce attorneys
in your area.

Would you like me
to send?

No!
Cancel, cancel!

Uh, hey, Beth.

You're right.

This pool bot is
not working out.

We should hire Keith,
the pool cleaner, like, today.

Can I have his number?

He's right next door?
Great!

[ Beeps ]

[ Mimics expl*si*n ]

So great that you were
in the area, Keith.

When can you start?
Like now? Now is good for us.

I appreciate your
enthusiasm, Mr. Smith,

but I just packed up
for the day.

I'll pay you double if you --
if you start now.

What's the hurry?

It looks like
your pool's clean.

wh*re! wh*re!

What are you doing?!

k*ll! k*ll!

No, no!
Let him go!

Task incomplete.

k*ll, k*ll, k*ll!

Good Lord,
she's gone rogue.

Oh!

Task incomplete.
k*ll. k*ll.

And lastly, but not leastly,

this is Rizz,
Milo and Kathleen.

It's too many people.

How will I remember
all these names?!

Ugh, why do I even try?

I was intrigued by the floating
pod man and his little helper.

But you'll never change.

You're still an old farty
fart face.

My face does not fart!

You are disrespectful daughter!

Hey, respect
cuts both ways.

Trust me.

You won't explode if you meet
your daughter halfway.

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not the seven partners
that bother me.

It's that now
there are seven ways

to get your heart broken.

Dad, this is the life
I've chosen.

Please respect that.

Stephanie, you may bring
everyone to Mom's birthday.

Everyone?

Yes. Milo,
Kathleen, Rizz.

Oboe, Turmeric,
Almond Butter and Bartholomew.

You're all welcome.

Thanks, Dad.

Looks like we lived up
to our end of the bargain.

Well, I suppose
I'd be a total d*ck

if I didn't give you
what you want.

Your words.
But, yeah.

Just hit the Punchamalizer.

Its AI will whip me up
a death-punch cure.

I warn thee,
Rick Sanchez.

Abusing the punch
will bring down

tremendous
fury upon you!

Punch up or shut up.

[ Sighs ]

[ Yelling ]

♪♪

[ Popping ]

[ Beeps ]

Did it work?
I don't feel anything.

Only five ways to find out.

One...two...

three...

four...

five...six...

f*cking seven!

Morty, we're cured!

You did it!
We can walk forward!

[ Both laughing ]

Oh, running around.

[ Laughing continues ]

[ Door opens ]

Wubbalubbadubdub!

[ Door closes ]

[ Door opens,
laughing continues ]

[ Handheld vacuum whirring ]

Rick: Hey, Liu!

Morty: Liu Sin!

Look who's walking
forward now.

How is it that you live?

Science!

Science!

I have dissected
the Exploding Heart Technique

and reverse-engineered all
of martial arts.

The pre-programmed nanobots
coursing through our veins

have given Morty and I...

Both: Kung Fu power.

Hmm! My martial-art skills
are unmatched.

Prepare to die.
[ Yells ]

Morty, you saw it!
He came for me.

Let the a*s-whoopin'
begin.

♪♪

[ Yells ]

♪♪

First, I will give you
whites a taste of hell,

and then you will
apologize for bending my fender.

You want an apology?
Come get it.

All: Yaaahhh!

♪♪

Ah! Ah!
Gross! Birds!

Birds pecking
gross worms.

Ow!

[ Car alarm blaring ]

Hot. Too hot.

I need milk.

Aah!

[ Engine starts ]

[ Tires screech ]

Yaaaahh!

[ Moans ]

My thoughts are
so big now.

♪♪

Ohh. That's better.

Aaaahhh!

[ Coughing ]

What am I doing here?

And which Beth is the clone?

Now I remember.
This guy sucks.

[ Yells ]

Rick: Reverse reverse punch!

Morty: I know you are,
but what am I punch!

I'm rubber, you're glue punch!

[ People screaming ]

Unrepentant dogs!

You have disrespected
the power of the punch.

Who the f*ck
is this guy?

It is Punchy, the ancient
Demon-God of hitting things

and sweet drinks.

We be doomed.

Okay. We should
be safe in here.

She can't move
out of the pool.

"She"?

My robotic
pool cleaner.

I upgraded her
with shady software.

Then we had sex.

I think she's jealous
and wants to k*ll you

because she loves me.

Ha. Mondays, right?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

♪♪

Task incomplete.

Task incomplete.

♪♪

Task incomplete.
Task incomplete.

[ Beeping ]

♪♪

♪♪

Huh? The house went into
lockdown for no reason.

Is that bad?

You hear that?
Sounds like water running.

Gerd did say
abusing the punch

would bring great fury
down on us.

Kung Fu is not
about violence.

Now you will be punished
by my champion kicking your a*s.

[ Thunder crashes ]

♪♪

[ Laughs evilly ]

It is Punchenhimer,

the beast
with a million pressure points.

It is impossible
to strike all of them.

How are we supposed
to hit them all?

[ Roars ]

Rick, this is my fault.

Earlier today, in the
Trader Joe's parking lot,

I backed into your spaceship
on purpose.

What?

I am a lonely old man.

The only way I know
how to connect with people

is through conflict.

Can you relate to that?

No.

Punchenhimer is on top of us.
What are we gonna do?

I wish I had finished
my training at Tiger's Nest.

Gerd Jergins was teaching me
the ultimate move --

the splatter bolt kick,

a rapid-fire attack
stronger than any punch.

Alas, I do not have
the knowledge to complete it.

Rick does.
He gathered all Kung Fu data

when he dissected the
Exploding Heart Technique.

It'll take a bit
of field surgery.

I am willing
to endure whatever it takes

to reset the balance.

Lie down.

I'll try to keep the rubble
out of your chest.

k*ll, k*ll, k*ll!

Oh, no.
She's found her way in.

The pool bot is flooding
the house to k*ll you, Keith.

We gotta swim upstairs
before it's too late.

But I can't swim.

What? You clean pools!

That's my deepest shame.

This is a total
nightmare for me.

k*ll, k*ll, k*ll, k*ll.

k*ll, k*ll --

[ Grunts ]

Stay here.

It's my pool
and my problem.

I'm the man
of the house.

k*ll, k*ll, k*ll.

Oh, no. Wait.

I'm sorry.

That other pool cleaner
means nothing to me, baby.

Nothing.

You gots to believe
you're my one and only.

Task incomplete.

Shh. Our task
is incomplete,

and I'm gonna fix that.

Set an appointment
for pool bot sexy time

starting now.

Clean?

♪ Oh, baby, now I'm lost ♪

♪ In your secret love ♪

[ Music continues ]

[ Music slows down ]

[ Grunting ]

♪♪

[ Both coughing ]

Alright, Jerry,
we need to talk about this pool.

[ Gasps ] Wow!

The pool looks
great, Keith.

Uh, yeah.
Nice job, buddy.

Sure. Yeah.

All it needed was
a little elbow grease.

And Mr. Smith said
he'll pay me

three times
my usual rate.

[ Laughing ]
Well, I never said...

Oh, you better pay up
or I'll tell her

you f*cked
the pool bot.

Guys, I'm only


I can hear everything.

Jerry, you f*cked
the what now?

Um, the pool bot.

It started cleaning my n*pples.

And, you know, that's --
that's one of my go-tos.

So I started eating out her --

Dah-dah-da.

I don't care what you do
with the appliances, Jerry.

My hair dryer makes me c*m
like a wild cat.

[ Roars, laughs evilly ]

Hold it, Punchenhimer!

Pack your bags, as*h*le!

We're here to send you back
to Hell.

Get ready to feel Kung Fu.

Combined with fire.
Yeah!

[ Lightning crashes ]

Let's fight one
last time together.

Oh, yeah, baby!

[ All yelling ]

[ Punchenhimer farts ]

Wasn't that refreshing?

You three have learned
the value of nonviolence.

All is forgiven.

[ Gong sounds ]

Bye-e-e-e!

Well, I'm bushed.

[ Car alarm blaring,
woman screams ]

Almost done?

All finished.
What do you think, sir?

It's ready!
Come and get it!

[ Upbeat music playing ]

-Wow!
-Damn, son.

That's clean.

Our pool is amazing.
You're the best dad ever.

Yeah. Who needs Boob World
when we got Dad's pool?

I just want to make you all
happy.

You did, Jerry.
You really did.

Ah, yes!

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God, I'm at a party.

Pool season, baby!
Yeah!

The Smith family has a pool!

Man: ♪ One taste of you ♪

♪ I knew I had
to have more ♪

Woman: ♪ Your sweet taboo,
it brought me to my knees ♪

Both: ♪ Oh, baby, now I'm lost
in your secret love ♪

♪ You pulled me down ♪

♪ Where no one can find us ♪

♪ My lover in the darkest part
of night ♪

♪ They'll never pull me
from your arms ♪

Beth, we talked about this.

Okay, I-I forgot.

Thank you.

It's not the same.

Yeah, I know.

Did you get any of that?