31x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and
welcome to Top Gear.

Tonight, we're discussing
a very contentious issue,

something that has really
split the nation. This is big.

This is bigger
than putting pineapple on a pizza,

which I'm OK with.
LAUGHTER

Nothing wrong with that, Pad.
Correct.

Cos tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

we're going there.

We're tackling the big one.

We're talking about...

..caravans.

AUDIENCE OOHS

Ooh!

Now, as you're probably aware,
over the years,

Top Gear has had a bit of a bumpy
relationship with caravans.

It has, but things
are different now.

Us, we're all about caravanning.
We grew up in them.

Well, we did.
He's more of a villa man.

Can't put the staff in a caravan,
can you?

Anyhow, point is, caravans,
we love them

and we're here to tell you
that things are changing

in the world of caravanning.

Take a look at this.

HORN BEEPS

The humble caravan.

For decades,
this darling of the nation

has provided millions of us
with fun, affordable freedom.

The only thing is there's a chance
the world of caravanning

is just starting to look a bit
old-fashioned.

After all,
this is the 21st century.

We want to go further,
be better

and we reckon
there's a revolution coming.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen.

And the future of caravanning starts
with something called...

..the MINK.

Just look at it.

It's sleek, it's minimal,
it's all-terrain.

It's exactly what caravanning
should be.

This is what's called
a micro-caravan

and it's being towed
by 56 grand's worth

of all-new, all-electric
Polestar 2.

And it looks like the future,

because it is the future.

It's relaxing, refined, it's silent.

You really do feel
like you're getting away

from the hustle and bustle.

Now, Polestar says you can get
nearly 300 miles on a full charge,

and with 400 horsepower
four-wheel drive,

it'll get your caravan
anywhere it needs to go.

But there's more than one way
to start a caravan revolution.

So to see what the other two
were running,

the first place
we needed to go

was a Seaview caravan site
in Berwick-upon-Tweed.

Oh, it's getting some looks,
this fella.

Morning. Morning, you all right?

I don't know if he likes it or not.

And as you'd expect,

McGuinness had already made himself
right at home.

Ah!

This is the life, Geoff, innit, eh?
Just the job.

Is that an Occasion 640
you've got there?

Fine caravan.

Oh, here he is.

Here he is. Look at him!

FREDDIE BEEPS HORN

Oh!

Just in time for breakfast.

Oh, Paddy McGuinness
in his natural habitat.

Hey, Polestar 2. Very, very nice.

A little bit of Scandinavian
chic in Northumberland.

Yeah, but what's that?

That, Paddy, is the MINK.

Look at it.
I say, it's very stylish.

It's a nice-looking thing.

I want to know about this one here.
Oh. Come on. What have you got?

The Go-Pod Platinum.

Platinum, of course.

Top of the range.

This has got everything
that's in a bigger caravan,

it's just shrunk down.

It's perfect.
It's light, it's nimble.

I don't want to nit-pick, Paddy,

but it's meant to be
caravan of the future.

Yeah. That's like caravan
of the present,

but shrunk in the wash.

Oh, no, it's got everything.

Flat screen TV, USB points,

cookers, fridge, bedroom.

It's got the lot.

Come in.
Have a look round. Yeah.

So, what we've got here...
PADDY LAUGHS

Go on. What have we got?

What we've got here...

This is, like, the living room.

This is nice, here.

And you've got
everything you need, though.

Everything you need!

If you just turn round
this way...

You say it's got everything
you need! You've got a bed.

I mean, it's like home from home,
this.

Home from home,
if you live in a small home.

Hey, toilet, you say?

Here we are.

This is what you want.

What's that?

Bang. Have a sit on that.

I did say sit.

Come to... No, not now.
Just test it out. Just have a...

Eh? I... How's that?

I'd fill this!
I was going to say...

You're a big lad.
How much room in there is there?

I like it, Pad. It's all you need.

That's what life on the road
is all about. I like it.

I'm not sure about the boring
electric car on the front, though.

The Merc.
Come on, please.

It's boring, innit? Come on. Please.

Have a look round.

We're in the world of caravanning.

People love an SUV,

so Mercedes have gone,
"Well, there you are.

"There's an electric one."

Look at the inside of it.
Look, it's a fantastic motor.

It is all right, actually. Yeah.

Now, I want to know about this MINK.
Yeah, I'll show you around.

I've never seen one.

It won't take long. No!
THEY CHUCKLE

Look at it. Here we go.
Look at that!

You've got your panoramic roof.

You've got mood lighting.

You've got all your
Scandinavian sheets.

Wool. You keep going,
"You've got this, you've got that,"

but essentially you're saying
that just about a bed.

No, it's not just a bed.
You're going,

"You've got a bed,
and then you've got a pillow

"and you've got, like, a headboard."

Yeah. Aside from a bed,
what else have we got going on?

I'll take you round the back.
Got a kitchen. Come on. Yeah.

Oh, look at that!
Oh, see, that's nice.

We've got all the appliances
under here.

Prep kitchen. Lovely.
Chopping board.

Sink. Look at it.
We've got a stove.

Do you know what?
It is very Scandinavian.

It's cool. Yeah.

Honestly, the good people of Seaview
didn't know what had hit them.

HORN BEEPS

And for anyone wondering
how Harris was going to top

these two game-changers...
Morning, Chris.

..the answer was...
Morning, all. How are we?

..he wasn't.

Audi e-tron Sportback
55 Quattro S Line.

I'm not bothered. What about that?

That's the OPUS.

Are you doing a tip run?

The world's first self-inflating...

You can't throw fridges away.

The world's first
self-inflating caravan.

Sleeps ten. Sleeps ten?

Let me show you.

This is the matter of a minute.
Watch this.

Oh, here we go.

Nut g*n.

So it turns out the OPUS
is from that special corner

of the caravan world

labelled, "Some assembly required."

Come on. Good lads.

Are you doing it all? Jesus.

And while Harris got busy
ruining everyone's holidays...

DRILLING
What is he doing?

Sorry.

..we tried to at least keep
Geoff onside

with a spot of caravanning's
number one sport.

Go on, Geoff.

Oh, that's a good shot,
Geoff. Go on, Geoff. Hit it!

La, la! La, la, la, la!

Ah, nothing to see here.

Oh, hit it, Geoff.

Joan, Joan! Get Geoff's angina
tablets ready just in case.

Anything can happen, here.

Safety first.

I think my first holiday
was in Morecambe in a caravan,

and I think it never leaves you.

We used to go to a static just
over the border in Scotland. Lovely.

That my Auntie Josie had.
Yeah. Never met my Auntie Josie.

No. I don't know if my dad just
broke into one. I never met her!

We went every year for ten years.
"It's your Auntie Josie's!"

Why have you got a crowbar, Dad?

THEY LAUGH
Lads, she's ready.

And she was magnificent.

Ooh! Two and a half metres
of headroom.

Here we go.
Do you know what? I like this.

Just got a few things
to finish off here. Look.

Put this extra seat in here for you.

In she goes. Bit of Velcro.

It's like a seat on a yacht, that,
isn't it? It is, innit?

OK. And table.

That's for your dinner.

OK, and...

..fridge.

Double gas hob.

Right. You're sitting on the sink.

Want to watch a bit of TV?
Portable projector, and...

Oh. Oh! Oh!

Oh! Outstanding, sir.

Look at that. Well done, Chris.

I'm actually impressed, Chris.

Yeah. That's cos it is impressive.

Right, well, what's next?
Very nice.

Now we've had the show and tell,
let's get on the road.

What do you mean, get on the road?
I've just unpacked it. Lock her up.

Hey, as we say in the world
of caravanning, let's tour.

Is that what they say? Yeah.

You know what, Paddy?

This Polestar really picks up
when you put your foot down.

Staying at 50 is going to be
a bit of a challenge.

That's the thing with these caravans,

they're so light and nimble, you
don't even know you're towing them.

If you've got a
Bailey Unicorn 4 Berth on the back,

you're all over the shore,
but these... It's a dream.

To see if our caravans
of the future

really were as go-anywhere
as we reckoned,

we've been told to head to a remote
overnight camping spot

high on the Northumberland moors.

That meant we had plenty of miles
to get to grips

with our trusty electric steeds.

Now, one of the things that drives
me mad about electric cars

is this incessant need
to shake things up.

"Let's do something different."
Why?

Why reinvent the wheel

when the wheel works perfectly fine
on its own?

And that's why I like the EQC.

It doesn't have to scream
and shout, this thing.

It's nice and simple,
and it's all the better for it.

All right, the price isn't simple.

But 65 grand does
buy you 400 horsepower.

You'll get to 60
in about five seconds

and with more torque
than Fred's Polestar,

if you want,
you can tow a bigger caravan.

And unlike the Polestar,

you won't have to spend 20 minutes
explaining to people what it is.

Fair point.

But if you're after a badge
that needs no introduction,

let's face it,
other options are available.

Audi released its e-tron
SUV a couple of years ago,

but this is the Sportback version.

A bit lower, a bit funkier looking
and of course,

a bit more expensive.

As tested,
this is a sniff under 90 grand.

That's a huge amount of money,
but then again,

it's a lovely object.

The interior is gorgeous.

I love the screens.

I love the layout.

It looks great.

Your kids are going to think you're
the coolest mum or dad out there.

Although not perhaps
the quickest.

Like the other two,
the e-tron has 400 horsepower,

but only when you put it
in boost mode,

which lasts for eight seconds.

The rest of the time you get
about 350,

so it's a bit down on punch.

Do you know what, lads?

Isn't it just nice to be out
driving our electric cars

with our little,
tiny ecofriendly caravans

with big wind turbines
in the distance?

It doesn't get
greener than this, boys.

It doesn't.

But if we're honest,
it could get a bit cheaper.

I've got to tell you, lads,
this MINK is beautiful,

but this one starts at 15 grand.

That is an expensive bed.

My Go-Pod's 15 grand
and there's a bit more to it.

You can stand up in mine.

How much is that blow-up tent,
Chris?

FREDDIE CHUCKLES

It's £20,000.

Sorry? I thought you said
the blow-up tent was £20,000.

But it's complicated
and it's massive.

It does mean that I've got quite
an expensive rig, though.

The truth is, we all had.

There's simply no denying that
all-electric,

go-anywhere caravanning
is an expensive business.

So are these pricey pioneers
really up to the job?

To start finding out,

we were told to make a quick detour
off the beaten track for a test.

I'm going to go and have a look.

Are you getting it, Chris?
Yeah. Oh.

As designated reader...
FREDDIE AND PADDY LAUGH

..the one that can read,
I'll read. Yay!

Time to see which of
your caravans

is best suited
to the adventure lifestyle... Yes.

..with a hill climb.

That's the hill. Cars starts
at the bottom of the hill. Yeah.

You start at the top.

Cars start at the bottom,
we start at the top.

Well, how does that work?

How are we going to get down?

In a giant inflatable ball,
obviously.

Oh, ey!

Oh, wow! Oh.
Let's get him in. Get him in.

I'm stuck!

Oh! Shot in.
THEY LAUGH

We got him in.

Can you see the head?

You're crowning. It's a boy!
He's crowning, he's crowning.

Yes, because apparently adventurous
lifestyle types

go in for this sort of thing.

With our cars waiting
at the bottom,

we'd now each take turns
rolling down to meet them.

Best of luck to you.
Oh, yeah. You mean that?

Three, two, one...
BOTH: Go!

Oh!

Blooming heck, what's going on here?

Oh, oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, this is awful.

Jeez. Oh.

Oh, my God, no.
CHRIS LAUGHS

No, thank you.

HE GROANS

Whoa, whoa!

Is this meant to be fun?

THEY LAUGH
That's horrible. Oh!

Who does this for fun?
Have we stopped?

This is the thing, getting out.

Did I start the stopwatch?
52 seconds.

Did you start the stopwatch?
Is it still running? Yeah. Right.

Ah, I'm in mud.

Oh, he's out. He's out! He's out.
Let's go, folks. He's gone.

It's a fair distance through there.
He's going through the swamp.

FREDDIE GROANS
It's a fair distance, innit?
Look at him go. Look at him go.

This is where he'll make
his time up.

Here we go.

Here we go. Were off.

Blooming heck.
Let's get moving.

Oh, there's a caravan on the back.
I forgot.

It's already going
faster than he wants it to. Yeah.

Blooming heck.

Get up here.

Come on.
Come on, put your foot down.

Here he comes. Here he comes.

Come on.

Go, go, go.

I'm out of breath.

Come on, Fred.

Oh, thank God for that.

251.63. Right.

Oh, he's back. Oh.

Minging.
First of all, how do you feel?

Oh, I'll tell you what,
it was awful.

Is it?
Do you care what your time is?

No. No, I didn't think you did.
251.63.

I think it's a strong time,
actually.

Based on what? On the fact that
neither of us are going to do it,

so it's the winner. Shut up.

It looks like it's the winning time.

Shut up. I'm having a bad day, here,
all right?

I'm having a bad day, all right?

But not quite as bad as McGuinness.

Oh, oh!

Oh, yes. Oh, he's in.

Very slick.

I'd just like to commend you
on your entry technique.

He's not going to like this at all.
No, he's not.

What are you looking at?

What are you doing?
Why are you there? Get back in.

That was enough for me. Shush!

I already started feeling...
Oh! No, no, no, no, no!

I already started feeling
a bit nauseous, lads.

What? I can't...
Look, anything, lads, but that.

What, you're genuinely not...?

That's my Achilles heel.

Is there a punchline coming here?

Er, no.

So it turns out tumbling down hills
with no control whatsoever

is McGuinness' kryptonite,

but still keen to lay down a time

with a flag in the ground
where Flintoff ended up to aim for,

we agreed he could start
his run on foot.

Chris, send him off.
On your marks, get set, go.

Chris. Get out the way.
I'm going to take him.

No, no, no, no. No, no. No!

Come on. Paddy, watch out!
Go on. Go on, go on!

Go on! Go on!

Oh, my God.

LAUGHTER

You just ran him over with
an orb. Look at him.

Well, he's down there in
33 seconds.

He doesn't have to wear
a harness or anything.

I think this next stint could be
a bit longer, though. Watch this.

Oh, I'm absolutely BLEEP .

It's a bit boggy down there.
But it's 52 seconds.

It took you ages to get out.
He's gone.

HE SPITS

He's absolutely done.

He's done.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, my. My lungs are on fire.

I'm worried about this caravan.

Come on.

PADDY SIGHS

That was literally
the worst thing ever.

Oh, my God.

Here we go.
He smashed this.

He has smashed this.
He was always going to.

PADDY GROANS

Oh, thank God that's done.

Over now.

He's beaten you by 40 seconds.
2.11 minutes.

Now we'll get the full...
I'm so excited.
He'll be yammering it up here.

Brilliant. Really good.

That were like
the most low-rent version

of Raiders Of The Lost Ark ever.

Let me tell you,
I didn't appreciate that, lads.

So, that is a result.

Sadly, you did it in two minutes,
11 seconds.

40 seconds quicker. Quicker.
Great. I'm pleased about that.

Er...

Yeah. Any Daz?

Can you put mine on a clothes wash
as well?

Literally, I couldn't speak all
the way up in that car.

Well, that saves the viewer
some pain, doesn't it?

Should get him running more, then.
Yeah.

After my lightning run

it was time for Harris and his Audi

to give it a whirl.

ALL: Oh!

THEY LAUGH

And, having been
so generous with my go...

Anyone got any Vaseline?

..the least I could do for him

was return the favour.

Now, Chris, because we want
you to win

we're going to try and get
you going a bit quicker.

So me and Fred will probably
stop pushing halfway down the hill.

You're such...

What's he laughing at?

I might even push you up the hill.

THEY LAUGH

Do I have to do it?

Three,

two, one, go.

FREDDIE LAUGHS

Oh!

FREDDIE AND PADDY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

Our lad's giving it some of that.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, no, he's not even stopping.

Oh!

HE GROANS

Oh, it's bouncing.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, please stop.

Please just stop
the horrible bouncing.

HE GROANS

This is the bit now
where it took ages.

I tell you what, the speed
we pushed him and then he were down
in about 20 seconds. I know.

Oh, I saw a hand.

Oh, there he is.

He is born again.

Go on, Chrissie.

Oh, he's taking the easy....

Oh, he's not gone through the bog.

Oh, come on.

We've got this.

We've got this.

He's going like a little angry
gazelle.

Yeah.

Seat belt on.

Drive, come on, Audi.

Vorsprung durch flipping technik.

She's going well.

Trailers just about there.

So weird with the silence.

Come on, Audi!

I wonder if he's talking
about the capabilities of the SUV?

Oh, he'll be saying nothing.

He might have done a review of the
ball when he were going down?

"Lovely traction".

There's no way I'm losing
the Flintoff.

I don't care about McGuinnis.
He's not even in the game.

Oh.

There we go. Good run.

Oh, here he is.

Here he is, well done, Chris.

He looks a little bit peaky.

All right? No, horrible.

Absolutely horrible.

You got some nice speed
up down here.

Well, it was airborne, largely
because you were still pushing
it halfway down the slope.

I was doing you a favour.
I want you to get a good time.

You got two minutes... Yeah.

..43.. Oh!

..43.44.

It's an annihilation but
it's between you and me.
You don't matter.

I think the victory is mine.

Are you really claiming that?
I've had to run down the hill

another bloody ball roll over me.

I'm claiming it.

Can we sort this out
over a cup of tea? Yeah.

Let's go to the pod.

Are you going to put the kettle on,
Pad? Yes, I am.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Andrew Flintoff, that some
of your strongest work.

I could watch a replay of you
wanging a large, inflatable orb

at that over and over again.

Forget the 2005 ashes.
One of the finest deliveries ever.

Never lose it, Chris.

Fair dues, Pad, you played
the bouncer well. Got right
underneath it.

Hands out the way, textbook.

I have no choice, really, did I,
but to be honest,

I'd sooner to be under it
than in it.

Sounds wrong.

But enough about me being
steam-rolled by a giant ball.

Let's get back to basics.

Chris Harris skidding around
in a supercar.

Yes!

Say hello...

..to the STO,

the £260,000 last hurrah

for Lamborghini's very successful

Huracan supercar.

Now, as last hurrahs go,

it certainly looks like it's dressed
for the occasion.

But mingle around the room a bit...

REVVING

..you'll soon discover
there are a couple of things...

..spoiling the leaving do.

For starters, it appears
to be completely stupid.

Not good stupid, stupid stupid.

£260,000

is 50,000 more than
a standard four-wheel-drive Huracan

for which you get precisely
no more power.

What you get instead is body work

that appears to have been scribbled
on by a six-year-old.

You also get a jiggly ride,

you can't see out the back

and there's nowhere to put
your coffee.

And if you're thinking none
of that matters, because this

rear-wheel drive, monstrously
be-winged Lamborghini

is so clearly all about the track...

..well, frankly, that is also

a bit of a concern.

The truth is, this type of
Lamborghini

has been pretty ropey around a
circuit for quite some time now.

Yeah, there was plenty of noise
and bluster, but if you wanted

a satisfying, precise,
technical drive,

they weren't very good at all.

So, let's see if this STO
really can give the long-serving

Huracan a decent send off.

Woo-hoo-hoo!

TYRES SCREECH

Takes about two
minutes to realise this is not

the normal Lamborghini recipe.

They've done something quite
different.

Normally they make them dual drive,

whip the front drive shafts out,

and away you go, but for some reason
the steering never connects.

The car feels too spiky.

But this one just feels bang on.

What a machine!

It just feels instinctive and
intuitive.

I can just throw it around

and know it isn't going to
just bite me in,

cause me loads of grief.

Oh, I really like this car!

But it doesn't stop there

because when you're done
throwing it around,

you realise that all that stuff
they've stuck to the back of the car

isn't just Lamborghini's usual
overexcited approach to styling.

It is real...

..aero.

That spin directs air clearly onto
the rear wing,

so we've got nearly half a ton
of downforce at 175mph

through this fast section of
Silverstone.

For a street car,
you can really feel it.

Impressive.

But not nearly as impressive

as the free breathing,

high revving,

5.2 litre V10 masterpiece

sat just over your shoulder.

It is one of the standout engines.

It's as much a musical
instrument as a form of propulsion.

Wow!

In a world of turbochargers
and hybrids and electricity

I know it's a dinosaur,

but...

..what an engine.

An engine that now
has less to haul than ever before,

thanks to the STO's periodic table

of weight-saving upgrades.

There's a titanium roll cage,

magnesium wheels.

The entire front end is a single
piece of carbon fibre.

In fact, the STO is now 43 kilos
lighter

than the previous stripped out
circuit-ready Huracan,

the Performante.

Put all of that together, though,

and this next bit might come...

..as a surprise.

Actually,
even though it's got 640 horsepower,

weighs under 400kg,

in its category

the STO isn't that quick.

It gets monstered by McLaren
and 765 LT

and the GT3 Porsche,
which is a lot less money.

It's just as fast.

The truth is, among its faster
or better value rivals,

the STO doesn't quite add up.

But it doesn't matter, because
driving is about

more than numbers.

It's about sensations,

it's about
the connection between this machine

and the fleshy
lump in the middle of it.

And the STO is pure connection.

Everything about it is glorious
from the way that it goes,

the way that it stops,

all underscored by that glorious
V10 behind me.

As a way to bid farewell to
the Huracan then,

the STO is the ultimate swan song.

This isn't just this Huracan they've
made,

it's the best Lamborghini in 15
years.

In fact, for me to drive, it's
probably the best Lamborghini ever.

Woohoo!

HE LAUGHS

Oh!

This thing makes me feel properly
alive.

APPLAUSE

Proper.

Proper.

It's a good-looking wheel. Proper,
proper.

Chris, I'm going to say you're
waxing lyrical about a car

that says STD on the side.

I hadn't spotted that. That is
unfortunate.

That's what everyone says.

Look, I'm sure it's great to drive
but...

Look at it. Would you want to be
seen driving it?

It's just not you, this, is it?

Well, maybe it is, I don't know,
but I suppose...

..I suppose the thing is, it's so
great to drive,

you forget how much of a pillock you
look driving it.

High praise, indeed.

And now, it's time to return to our
electric cars in Northumberland,

where we were about to venture where
caravans have never ventured before.

It had been a busy morning for our
EVs,

and after stopping to brim their
hard-working batteries,

we were all set for a busy afternoon
as well.

Because having proven their
adventure lifestyle credentials,

it was finally time for our pioneers
to head off the beaten track

towards our wilderness campsite.

We're getting away from it now,
lads, aren't we?

Beautiful!

Or as they say, where you live...

..lovely stuff.

Lovely stuff.

You know what? My kids have started
saying it.

They're driving the Mrs mad.

THEY LAUGH

It's a northern phrase that can be
deployed anywhere.

Lovely stuff.

I've got to say the old EQC in the
Go-Pod,

they're handling these roads, no
problem.

Oh, so easy!

The only trouble with this car...

..is the range.

It just drops like a stone.

Oh, I'm going to have to keep me eye
on that.

Look at this, boys.

This is all terrain caravanning.

Seeing these roads as well,

if you tried them in a Compass
Casita 868...

Oh!

You'd be laughed out of the Caravan
Club.

Jeff's never seen this, has he?

Tell you what, it's a bit
nerve-racking, when it's just fog.

You can't see over the edges.

Mind the cows!

Oh, my God.

What the hell?!

# Don't know where we're going

# Got no way of knowing

BOTH: # Driving on a road to nowhere

# Da, da, da, da, da

# Sponging for a living
checking out the women

# Driving on a road to nowhere. #

Before long, though, our road to
nowhere

brought us to the perfect spot to
set up shop.

RADIO CHATTER

Flat as a pancake. Get on that!

That should do us grand, Fred.

Welcome to our new home!

Hey! Yeah.

Put the horses over there and get
the wagons down here.

All right, lads.

Oh, yes. The title of Britain's most
remote caravan site...

It's going to be grand, this.

..was surely ours.

Straight into your horse's parking
spot.

Lovely stuff.

But before we could bask in the
tranquillity of wild caravanning...

..there was, of course, the small
matter...

Oh, God.

..of erecting the OPUS.

Oh, deary me. All of my stuff's
covered in sheep poo.

Whey! Here we go!

There's the living room.

Come on. Here's the cinema.

THEY LAUGH

Whoa!

Whoa! Oh!

Dickhead.

Oh, dear. Why was that my fault? Oh,
dear.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Ah, now, you've put your door facing
the wind.

You should've had your door facing
this way into camp,

where the fire is. Shut up,
McGuinness.

It suddenly changes up here, doesn't
it?

Yeah. Very chilly.

But with Harris' inflatable slowly
taking shape...

Oh, here he goes! He's blowing her
up. Whey-hey!

..with the wagons fully circled at
last...

Are you done? Just about, lads.
Final clip in.

..the producers decided it was time
for another test.

We've got a challenge. Oh! Thanks.

Which electric car has the spiciest
performance?

To find out, time for some hot laps.

Really hot laps.

So, it's just the cars, innit? Just
the cars.

This is good, this, cos we can
actually see what the cars will do

without the sport caravans on their
back.

Not entirely...

..because in danger of seeing us
actually enjoy ourselves,

the producers had given this time
trial an eye-watering difference.

On a makeshift circuit around our
foggy hilltop,

we'd now each take turns driving
five laps against the clock.

But for each lap completed,

we'd have to eat...

..a chilli.

Starting at the shallow end with the
humble jalapeno,

we'd climb the Scoville Heat Scale
of chilli intensity

through bird's eye, scotch bonnet
and Red Savina Habanero,

before finally reaching the world's
hottest chilli -

the mighty Carolina Reaper.

The winner would be the one to
finish their five hot laps

in the fastest time, or more likely,

whoever could go furthest without
calling for the Cool Bag -

a generous helping of milk and
yoghurt,

waiting in the footwell to ease the
burn.

And before any of us could figure
out

what any of that had to do with the
future of caravanning,

I found myself at the wheel going
first.

You two lads love a bit of spice,
don't you?

Is it a JAlapeno or a HAlapeno?

HAlapeno. It's HAlapeno for you.
Yeah.

Child's play. It's an appetiser,
innit? Child's play. No, it's not.

Child's play. I don't eat raw
chilli.

Right. Are we ready, Chris?

BOTH: Three, two, one...

..go!

He's not even put it in yet.

He's saving it. Come on. Get it in!

Oh, he's making light work of that.

Oh, it's a bit of a slow burner,
that.

Oh, look at that.

Right, that's done.

Oh, oh, he didn't like that.

You can go straight through the
chequered flags.

Paddy, pass him the second one.

It's a bird's eye but it's not
a captain's one, I can tell you.

Get it in you, son!

There are no breadcrumbs on that
one. No breadcrumbs on that.

Oh, he's bit half of it. Oh, he's
gone straight in.

How is it, Chris? How is it?
That's lively, Andrew. That is...

That's lively.

Get it down t' nubbin.

Oh, look at that!

GROANING

Have you seen the driving's changed
slightly?

A bit more urgency.

Here we go. What've we got, Pad?

Oh, oh. Scotch bonnet?

We're moving on to unchartered
waters now, Fred.

Get me glove on. I'd put your specs
on as well, Pad. I will do.

That'll burn your eye.
That's a good shout.

Oh, as long as you're all right.

Oh, look at that! Oh, no, that's
trouble.

That is trouble! That is trouble,
Chris.

This is going to hurt him. This is
going to hurt.

Oh, he's enjoying that! He's not.

THEY LAUGH

Get that in you. You've done that,
Chris.

Come on, son! Go on! Oh!

Oh, it's down t' nub!

Get back. Come on, let's go!

Oh, it's when you burp it back up!

HE GROANS

Drive, Chris. Drive!

HE MOANS

Are you ready?

Oh, it's red, Fred. Oh, my word.
It's red, Fred.

What in the name of Satan's
testicles is that?

That is the Red Savina Habanero.
That sounds hot.

Are you BLEEP?

THEY SHOUT

What the hell is that? Get it in!

Yes, Chris! Keep driving, son.

This is impressive, let me tell you.

CHRIS MOANS

Eh, Fred, he's done it. We've got
one left, Chris.

I need that milk! No, no, no!

We're not going to finish them!

Get to the finish line.

Go on, Chris.

I can't talk.

Are you going again, Chris? No, I
need the milk. I need the milk.

Aren't you going again? I need the
milk. Give me the milk.

Oh, he's off. He's off.

Oh, Chris.

Very impressive.

Fantastic work, sir.

Oh, hey... I can't get it. I can't
get the burning away.

Do you want some yoghurt?

It feels like someone's lit a match
in my mouth.

It's terrible.

Milk!

Milk!

I might give him this one.

Shall we go and start the fire?

Well done. We'll go get the fire. Go
and get the steaks on.

I can't! Do you want Tabasco on your
steak?

Why are we...why are we doing this?
Why...?

Caravanning. What has it got to do
with ca...

I'll tell you what, though. Argh!
Oh, no!

You've set a good precedent, though.

What's his time? I've reset it
but it's 5:25.

Good work, Chris.

Fair play to him.

With four hot laps done in under
five and a half minutes,

once Harris had cooled off,
McGuinness had his work cut out.

Look at the face on him! Oh, God!

Do you like your spice?

No, I do... I am chicken korma man
in curry house. You're in trouble.

Savour it. It could be a flavour
experience that you love.

I won't love it. Are we ready?

I'm stressed. Three, two, one...

..go.

Oh, he's in.

Oh, keep your hands on the road,
Pad.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa!

Oh, he's gone!

He's hurting. He's hurting. Go on,
Pad!

PADDY GROANS

Keep going! You have to stop on the
line, Pad.

I'm going to have to slow it down a
bit here, now.

Oh, oh, oh, he's going. Oh, come on!

Bite it. Just the stem, just the
stem.

What's he doing? You can't spit you
out. No, no!

Who, whoa, whoa!

Eat it! It was a seed! Eat it!

Whoa! It was a seed. You don't eat
watermelon seeds, do you?

Why should I start eating these
seeds?

Eat the chilli, man! Oh!

I am eating the chilli!

You're not eating the... The seeds
are the hot bit! Come on.

BOTH: Ooh!

All right. I'll give you that, I'll
give you that.

There we go. One down.

Second chilli, Paddy. It's a bird's
eye.

Where am I going? I don't know where
I'm going.

Has it got to your eyes?

Eat, eat. Just to get it in now,
while you're burning.

It won't get any worse. Just get it
in.

Go on!

To the right, to the right.

Hold on. Come on.

Oh, oh, oh.

HE GROANS

What's up?

HE GROANS

Steer, steer!

Argh!

Eat it. Where am I? Eat it.

Left, left, left.

Left!

Lads... Eat the chilli. ..that can't
go in.

That is like the sun in me mouth.

Give us the things, quick.

Here you are, Pad. Open up.

THEY LAUGH

HE SPLUTTERS

You're milking it now, Pad. You're
milking it!

You prick!

I really wasn't.

But I will admit, this time, I was
definitely out.

HE GARGLES

And that meant once I'd recovered...

HE EXHALES

..the pressure was all on the
world's most competitive man.

Now, listen, what's that top one
called, Harris?

That's called the Carolina Reaper.

If you don't suck that down your
lovely neck... Shut up!

..there's summat wrong with you.
Shut up.

With the day you've had, pipe down.

Walk the walk, talk the talk.

Three, two, one...

..go!

There's the jalapeno. Get that in!

There's the nub. He's done that.

Quick, Fred, quick! Just don't
crash.

It would be a shame, if you ate the
chillies, and then, k*lled us.

Give him the bird's eye,
Christopher.

Pass it over. Is he in?

Yeah, one mouthful. Oh, he's nailed
that.

I'm with...I'm with the big lads,
now.

I'm with the heavyweights here.

Now, we're moving on, Andrew to the
Scotch bonnet.

Oh, this is... Oh, get it in you!

Here he goes. He's just smashed it.

He's just smashed it! Get it down t'
nub, Flintoff!

There you go.

SPEAKS WITH MOUTH FULL

Blooming heck! Here we go now.
Blooming heck!

Here we go now. Blooming heck!

Oh, my stomach hurts.

You're nearly up to Harris level,
now, Fred.

Blooming heck!

I should've just put it straight in
me undies

and cut the middleman out.

Are you going to go for the
Habanero? Aye, am I.

Get it in there! Oh!

I think we might be seeing a Reaper
at the end of this.

I think you might be seeing a lot at
the end of this!

Get it in you, Flintoff!

Are you down t' nub?

h*-h*! Oh, my word!

This one's made of asbestos!

I've never seen anything like it.

HE COUGHS

Come on. Last lap, Fred!

Get the Reaper out, Christopher.

Are you going to go for it? I'm in
trouble.

Are you going to go for it? Get it
in!

Go on, Flintoff! He's going to do
it.

Lap five. Let's do it, Fred!

Get the Reaper in!

I'm in trouble. Get it in!

Tuck in!

No! Get it in!

Come on.

Get that rest of it in!

Take that off me! He's eaten that.

Good time, Fred.

I'm in trouble.

Has he swallowed it, Chris? Check
his mouth.

Check his mouth. No, he's eaten
that. He's eaten that.

I'm in trouble, lads.

I don't even drink milk.

HE MOANS

Where's he gone?

Oh, good time.

Do you want milk?

Do you want... Do you want milk?

Get some water. Do you want milk?
Do you want yoghurt?

Put it in here.

Put it in my mouth.

Fred, the yoghurt's the best.

The yoghurt's best. The yoghurt's
better.

Now, that, ladies and gentlemen,
is what a winner looks like.

PADDY LAUGHS

Oh, eh?

This is nice, isn't it?

We've earned this. We have earned
this.

Well, two of us have.

But do you know? Yeah, come on, come
on.

I've done a bird's eye chilli for
you

and whatever the other one,
jalapeno.

They were sneaky, the captain.

Oh, the captain sneaks up on you.

I didn't think he was going to go
for the last one.

I am staggered he did the Reaper.

It was horrendous. It looked like
you had a seizure at the end.

I was like, "What is going on?"

Would you rather eat a California
Reaper

or go on a two-week camping holiday
in the Mink

with just Paddy McGuinness?

See, you're putting him in a
dilemma, there. I am.

Two tricky ones. Is Paddy staying
with me?

Yeah, he's in there with you. I'll
top and tail.

I won't sleep directly at the side
of you.

Paddy, I want to say you but...

..there's not enough chillies in the
world to put me off.

Imagine staying there with him.

I've got to be honest, after he's
eaten that Reaper,

I wouldn't want to do one night in
there with him.

THEY LAUGH

Go on, get a steak on.

Get it on, Chris.

Oh, lovely...

..stuff.

THEY LAUGH

The next morning, we awoke to find
the fog had lifted

and we could bathe in the beauty of
the Northumberland Moors.

Right, you do him and I'll do me.

Oh, it's cold! Get in!

Come back! You have the loofah!

It's cold. Get the loofah in here.

We need a sponge.

And once we'd updated the guide to
caravan etiquette

with a new entry on
the...ablutions...

No, no, that's Fairy liquid!

It's gone in my eyes!

..all squeaky clean again, we were
just starting to break camp...

That's better now. Minty fresh,
lads.

..when Flintoff discovered we'd
been left a little present.

There's a card here. Pad, do you
want to get it?

Challenge -

congratulations... Thank you.

..you have proven that your electric
cars and caravans

can get off the beaten track.

But can they get back on it?

With whatever charge you have left,
you will no drive 100 miles

over England's highest road,
Harthope Moss,

with the winner, the first to arrive

at one of the country's top motoring
destinations.

What racetrack's around there?

Barnard Castle.

Let's pack up! Come on, then.

Get the horses on the road.

Right, because any self-respecting
tow car

really should get you both to and
from your destination,

our final test would be range.

We'd all fully charged our batteries
the day before

and would now use whatever we had
left

to drive 100 miles up and over the
country's highest road.

Barnard Castle here we come!

This would be the future of
caravanning's biggest test yet,

and unfortunately for McGuinness,

it looked like it had already
claimed its first scalp.

Maths wasn't me strong point at
school,

but even I can figure out that 49
miles range

and trying to do 100 miles distance
isn't going to work.

I really like this EQC but there's
no way -

no way -

am I going to get to Barnard Castle,
glasses on or glasses off.

I'll be lucky if I get to the end of
this road.

What's your range, Pad?

48 miles.

73 here.

Fred?

120.

He's still on the hundreds, this
lad.

That's one of the things about the
Polestar 2.

The range seems to be good.

I've got the regen on, so every time
I take my foot off the accelerator,

it puts a bit of charge back into
the battery.

But the big question is the Mink
on the back.

Harris, he'll be pulling all the
tricks of the trade.

He'll be regenning down the hill.
He'll have a strategy.

I'm just going to drive.

DASHBOARD: Where would you like to
go?

Barnard Castle.

Starting route guidance.

There you go. It's saying it's 98
miles.

And I've got a line that tells me
whether I'm going to get close.

I'm going to let the computer help
me out here.

Lovely downhill sections.

The big green charge indicator is
on.

I'm adding miles now.

Hot off the press, boys, I'm now on
39 miles.

What is wrong with that car?

This has been happening since I
first got in it.

It's probably getting you back for
spraying it in milk.

That were you.

It came out of your mouth.

It had to. It had nowhere else to
go, Fred,

with the level of force you pushed
into it.

This is not a conversation to join
late.

Paddy's vengeful EQC aside...

..we had a decent run down off the
hill

and were soon back onto the main
road.

But while Flintoff was sitting
pretty in his Polestar,

it was quickly becoming clear that
I...

..wasn't.

So, it says I've got 75 miles to go.

I've got 66 miles of range.

Hm...

Why is it not giving me any regen
there?

I'm coasting. I'd have thought it
would've given me some regeneration.

What's going on here?

Regenerative braking is very clever

but there was just no way my heavily
laden e-tron would claw back

enough miles to reach the finish
line.

I'm going in here.

I needed a solution.

I'm dumping the trailer. This is the
way forward.

Right, let's do this quick.

Woo, woo!

Oh, this is a joy.

It feels like I've got another
hundred horsepower.

Let's see what happens now, boys.

I'm now on 26 miles and I'm not even
at the halfway point.

Is it just me now? Paddy's gone.

I can't see Harris' horrible red
Audi in me rear-view.

He's up to something.

HE LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY

62 miles.

This is joyous.

Read the small print. You see, if
you read the small print,

it said nothing about having to turn
up to Barnard Castle

with my trailer.

So, what I can do hopefully is just
stay behind Fred

until the very last minute, and
then, just overtake him

before I get to Barnard Castle.

Yes!

And soon catching up to the back of
the Mink,

it was time to give Flintoff the
good news.

Hello, Andrew.

Oh, here we go.

Chris, have you taken your trailer
off?

I thought, you were better than
that.

What part of the rules said

you had to arrive at Barnard Castle
with a caravan?

Chris, it's a caravanning week.

Everything we've done has been to do
with caravanning,

and now, you've gone and done this.

What I like is the grim
inevitability of this for you now

cos I'm just going to follow you,
and at some point,

you know I'm going to pop out and
just execute the overtake.

I'd sooner eat another one of them
chillies than listen to this.

Where's Paddy?

He took a left-hand turn about three
miles back.

I'm down to seven miles range,
now,

and a tortoise has appeared on me
speedometer.

I'm now officially in limp mode.

You know, things are bad,

when you're getting taken over by an
old Toyota Yaris.

Wow.

Actually, let's just see what
happens

when we run the clock down to zero.

See where we get to.

It would've been nice to see Barnard
Castle, though, but...

Anyhow, there we go.

Back in the actual race,

with miles clocking up...

..and the cheating git waiting to
pounce,

my unshakeable Polestar was
beginning to feel the pressure.

This caravan's making all the
difference.

38 miles to go, 40 miles of range.
This is going to be tight.

Oh, it's just slowing down now.
The car's jittering away.

It's a very similar feeling to when
you run out of petrol or diesel

in your regular kind of car.

Foot's pinned, nothing's happening.

Well, there we go.

That's that.

Up ahead, though, with 22 miles to
go,

our little tortoise and hare race

had reached the foot of Harthope
Moss.

Climbing 1,000 feet in just two and
a half miles,

the highest road in England is an
electric car k*ller.

Oh, 20, 20 mile range!

Look at how steep this is. I do not
need this.

Oh blimey, look all the way up
there, Fred!

Oh, it's now saying reduced power
due to low battery charge.

There's a tortoise popped up on me
screen.

All me and the Polestar could do
was keep limping forward

and hope we get over the top.

Oh, my word.

It does come to something,

when you're in a car that costs
£90,000

and you see a hill and it strikes
the fear of God into you.

It does slightly defeat the object.

This has got to be the top. It's got
to be the top!

I never knew range anxiety could be
so funny.

The big hill had been a hammer blow
for the Polestar's battery.

Oh, my word, I've got five left.

Regen, regen!

And of course, the Audi and I had
been effortlessly cruising along

in its wake.

It's saying I've got 19 miles to go
and 37 miles of range.

Urgh.

I'm pleased for you.

And that meant that all that
remained now

was to plot out the last stage of
the road to victory.

The nature of the overtake is
everything.

It needs to be quick, dignified, no
gloating.

It's just a pop out, in, done.

The way Lewis does it. Lewis is
superb at it.

He just lines them up, and then,
just delivers.

That's what I'm aiming to do.

And, sure enough, a few more miles
down the road,

the time came to strike.

Chris, I've got no range.

Zero range.

Are you on zero?

I'm on 0%, zero range

and it's flashed up on me screen
saying, empty battery...

Oh, you absolute knob.

Oh, well done, Chris.

Good friend, that. If I break down,
you just disappear.

Thanks, mate.

And with that, ladies and gentlemen,
we had our result.

Right...

..Barnard Castle - win, tea, cakes
medals, gloating.

Although it must be said, claiming
victory in the trailerless Audi

did reveal a bit of a flaw

in our grand vision for the future
of caravanning...

Barnard Castle.

There we go, boys!

..because it turns out

an electric car can certainly get
you and your van

wherever you might want to go...

..it just might not quite...

Come on!

..get you back again.

Come on!

HORNS BEEP

Well, come past then. What do you
want me to do?

I'm doing 4mph.

APPLAUSE

Oh, dear. Deary me.

Victory to Harris, the Audi, and of
course, the OPUS.

Chris, there is no OPUS.

You went on a caravanning trip and
you didn't finish with your caravan.

That's an immediate
disqualification.

RTQ, Fred. Read the question.

It didn't say anything about
finishing with your caravan.

Chris, the entire film is about
towing a caravan.

You, young man, are A bad sport and
a cheat.

Paddy, I never thought I'd say this,

you are a gentleman of honour.
Steady on, steady on.

Compared to you, he is. Back me up,
Pad. Back me up.

Thank you. Chris, as us caravaners
say, you never ditch your home.

I'm giving the victory to Flintoff.

Thank you! Get in, get in!

Get in! What? You cheated.

Robbed. You cheated. Robbed.

You drove behind me, you ditched
me. Robbed.

You cheated. Robbed!

Thank you. Oh, dear.

OK, and on not shock result - a
little electric joke, there -

we must end the show.

We'll be back next week with a big
adventure in Iceland

and Fred's embracing his American
side.

You're not giving us a yee-haw,
there? Yee-haw.

Thank you.

See you, then. Goodnight.