00x04 - Patagonia Special: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

Hello and welcome
to the second part

of the Top Gear
Christmas Special,

the part where
it all goes wrong.

As you probably saw
in the first program,

we were doing
an homage to the V8,

driving all the way
across Patagonia,

from the town
of Bariloche, here,

on our way to Ushuaia,
in Tierra del Fuego.

Now, Ushuaia is the city
from which the battleship

Belgrano sailed
on its final voyage

at the beginning
of the Falklands w*r.

And, as a result of that,

the British are not overly
popular down there.

In a bid to build bridges,

we were planning to build
a stadium when we got there,

and play an Argentinian team

at car football.

However, there was a problem.

Someone on an Argentinian
website noticed that the car

I was driving sported
the number plate H982 FKL

and they wondered if,
perhaps, this was a reference

to the 1982 Falklands w*r.

Now we'd been made
aware of the issue

shortly after we arrived
in Argentina.

But there was nothing,
really, we could do.

I mean, you can't just change
a car's number plates.

We did, however,

develop a plan
that would solve the issue

when we arrived in Ushuaia.

Unfortunately, as you will see
at the end of what follows,

we were never
given the chance.

One thousand six hundred miles

-in a Lotus?
-[SNORTS]

CLARKSON: Petrified forests,
mysterious lakes...

This is all very odd.

Not looking, not looking,
not looking, not looking.

Ow! Oh...

I think Hammond
really loves that Mustang.

Ow!

I've lost another gear.

It's your route,
it's your route.

This road is...
It's k*lling the car!

The dashboard
is a Christmas tree

and the car has stopped.

It's dead.
The Porsche is dead.

MAY: It's all very well
being rude about

the people of Norfolk,

but so far they seem to
have built the best car.

If you'll say, "Jeremy,
your car is not boring,"

I will give you a tow.

I know who it is.

That's their idea
of a comedy back-up car.

CLARKSON: I couldn't do that.

Could you do that?
How can they do that?

Stop doing
Butch Cassidy things,

Please. Not now.

CLARKSON: Why have
you fitted my car

with a brake light
on the dashboard?

Every bone in their crotches.

That's what I'm
going to break.

CLARKSON: We began
day six in Argentina

on yet another one
of Patagonia's

endless gravel roads.


seen a corner or another car.



Mustang country.

CLARKSON: As this was
quite monotonous,

I decided we should do
some cornering.

So I hatched a plan.

You know what this is,
don't you?

MAY: Dried-up lakebed.

HAMMOND: Yeah, it is.

CLARKSON: It was
a dried-up lakebed.

I see it now as a racetrack.

Yeah.

We could replicate any track
in the world here.

And we shall.

CLARKSON: I therefore decided
to make a carbon copy

of our favourite circuit,

Imola.

So, here we go.
This is the Tamburello

I'm making here.

It's a long,
sweeping left-hander.

Through the S's, like so.
Lovely job.

That's a lovely corner, there.

I've just made
a lovely corner.

Right, good.

The track is made.

CLARKSON: I must confess,
the finished product looked

more like a placenta
than Imola,

but we were all looking
forward to staging

the inaugural V8
Desert Marathon.

I'm going to turn petrol
into dust and noise.

In three...
How many laps?

-Oh. 50?
-Many.

Let's do a 100.

In three, two, one.

Hit it.

[CAR ENGINES REVVING]

Short shifting into second.

And into third,
and already my lead

is commanding and excellent.

You [BLEEP]

They think you're all boring.

Whoa, you're not boring now!

Oh, h*, h*, h*!

Oh, I'm on the inside
of James, here.

Sod it. Ah!

Hammond is going
like a crazy man.

Go on, Stang, go on, fella.

Whoo-hoo, that was a...
[YELLS]

The race... Oh, no!
I've gone wrong.

Heroic manoeuvre
from the mighty Mustang.

That is James May
coming through.

[GROWLING]
Damn and blast!

Got him.

Oh, no!

CLARKSON:
In the next half hour,

there were more
overtaking moves

than you get in a whole
season of Formula 1.

It was brilliant.

Hammond and I are...

Yes, we are side by side.

The most almighty battle.

Like gladiators,
but a bit fatter.

Oh, really wide.

Yep, that is a Lotus Esprit,
famed throughout the world

for being one of the most
unreliable cars ever made.

And look at it.

Oh, nicely done.

I can't see anything. Whoa!

This is an endurance race.

That's what you need
to remember,

because the Mustang
will break.

And sure enough...

Ooh, that was...
[YELLS]

HAMMOND: I called a halt

before anything
else went wrong.

But it already had.

[CLANKING]

Oh, my God.

Things you want
in your carburettor.

Fuel, air, and that's it.

You don't want rocks.

CLARKSON: Well, it was
definitely time to stop.

-Yeah.
-Draw?

-Shall we call it a draw?
-Yes.

-We can call it a draw.
-Yes.

Do you remember
where the road was?

Which side did we come
onto the lake?

-That side, I think.
-No, we didn't.

-We came from that side.
-No, we didn't.

We had the hills to our right.

So, I still think
it's over there.

Well, we didn't drive
over this stuff

to get to the lake, did we?

Yeah, but we could
have been round it.

I think we came in from there.

CLARKSON: Unable to agree,
I put myself in charge

and told the others to follow.

MAY: I'm telling you,
it's back that way.

I know he's got
the most brilliant

sense of direction
in the world.

This was a mistake.

CLARKSON: Very soft there,
very soft there,

keep going, keep going,
very soft.

Ooh!

Ooh.

Here goes nothing.

Wouldn't ordinarily
do this with a 928, but...

HAMMOND: I've never felt
more hopelessly lost.

CLARKSON: After many hours,
we did find the road,

but our path to it was
blocked by a locked gate.

CLARKSON:
That fence goes on...

HAMMOND: Forever.

Well, just knock it over.

What do you mean,
"Knock it over"?

I'll use my Mustang,
I'll just drive at the fence
and flatten it...

What, and then leave
the owner a note?

Yes. And a few dollar...
I mean it's a bit of fence,

-he could put that back up.
-Hammond,

what will the note say?

"Sorry we broke your fence

"and let all your
animals escape,

"and, by the way,
the Falklands are British."

We're supposed to be
mending fences,

not knocking them down.

HAMMOND: Oh, he's got his map.

Oh, good. We're saved.

Right, look.

We were coming...
We are...

We went into this desert
to do the racing.

So, we've come off the road
somewhere here.

Mmm.

It can't be more than
20k to Tres Lagos.

MAY: Mmm-hmm.

And get some bolt cutters.

-20k?
-Mmm-hmm.

-12 miles.
-We could walk it.

We could walk that.

I can't walk 12 miles.

What else do you suggest?

-No.
-No.

-No.
-No.

-No.
-No.

-No.
-BOTH: No.

It's minus one.
I am allergic to walking.

-[HORSE NEIGHING]
-Just... No.

I know those horses
we rode in Burma,

they were like Caterhams.

-These are like Ford Granadas.
-How do you know?

'Cause they look like
Ford Granadas.

-They don't.
-They do. Just get on.

HAMMOND: Hello, horse.

MAY: Hola.

Hello, horse.
I shall call you Burger.

HAMMOND: Oh, that's not
going well. Oh, [BLEEP]

-[HORSE NEIGHING]
-That's not going well.

-You all right, mate?
You all right?
-[GROANING]

Stay still, stay still.
You all right? You all right?

Just stay still.
Stay still, stay still.

You're just winded.

I guess we're walking, then.

CLARKSON: Leaving James
in the hands of our doctor,

Hammond and I set off
on the long walk into town,

which gave us time to
chat about many things.

HAMMOND:
And it did the weirdest thing.

It looked up and I thought,

"Oh, it's going to go
mental and run away."

It walks towards the peacock,
so it was interested.

CLARKSON: See, I hate both.

They live on a diet of meat
and nothing else.

Yeah. Yeah.

Which must ruin their colons.

HAMMOND: And if you then spend
12 hours in the saddle,

hammering it flat,

it'll be like trying
to pass a dustbin lid.

CLARKSON: No, 'cause
I think that's really weird,

that snails give trout piles.

In town, we found a shop

and bought the bolt cutters.

And when we returned,

we discovered that James
had cracked three ribs

and completely lost
his sense of humour.

What the hell was Clarkson
thinking of, even suggesting?

What was I thinking of,
listening to him?

Horses are a part
of the countryside.

The countryside is for
driving through

and looking at.

-That is... Ah!
-[CAR BANGING]

God!

MAY: Happily, Clarkson
soon got a bit of payback.

CLARKSON: Oh,
for [BLEEP] sake.

I am out of fuel.

What a rotten bit of luck.

Oh.

No, it isn't fuel.

It's not turning over.

MAY:
Oil pressure light, anything?

I think it could be
alternator-related.

It's been a long day today.

Sorry for being boring,
viewers,

and having a car
that works perfectly.

HAMMOND: Lovely evening.

There's the problem.
That was the alternator belt.

[SIGHING]

CLARKSON: With night falling,
I was back on the road,

but not out of trouble.

Sitrep.

I didn't have a spare
alternator belt.

So, I put a new battery
in the boot,

which now isn't being charged,

which means I can't run with
any electrical equipment on.

No lights, no heater, nothing.


the overnight halt,

I caught up with one
of my colleagues.

But he wasn't much help.

Hammond, is that
the full range of your lights?

Yeah, that's it,
that's all I got. Just one.

I have literally
nothing at all, nothing.

Oh, bollocks.
That's still working.

Yeah, the one thing
I don't want

is your joke brake light.

Sorry, is that less
than funny now?

CLARKSON: Hammond offered
to ride shotgun

so we could share
his headlight.

[ON RADIO] If you come
get your nose slightly

in front of my nose...

Absolutely
no difference at all.

And then night fell
completely.

It's bloody dangerous, this.

Bloody dangerous.

HAMMOND: It's about 30k

to where we've got to
end up tonight.

I don't know if there's 30k

in that battery
in Jeremy's car.

Almost certainly not.

CLARKSON: That is
concentration, now.

I'm tired now.

I'm really tired and scared.

-[CAR BANGS]
-Oh, [BLEEP]

Oh, I never saw that coming.

Ten miles to the hotel.

CLARKSON:
By using "The Force,"

I made it in one piece.

And the next morning,

after James had leapt
into his Lotus...

[GROANING]

Ah!

CLARKSON: ...we hit the road.

Couldn't mend my car
last night because, well,

we couldn't get an alternator
belt in this town, amazingly.

And the dashboard
is unmendable.

So I just fiddled with
Hammond's car, instead.

It was more fun, I thought.

[HONKING LA CUCARACHA]

Oh!

Have you wired my brake pedal
to my air horn?

Yes, I have.

Have you also taken the time

to put the air horn
inside the car?

-[ON RADIO] Yes, I did.
-[HONKING LA CUCARACHA]

[HAMMOND YELLS]

Oh, God!

[HONKING LA CUCARACHA]

CLARKSON: Meanwhile,
in Frankie Dettori's car...

Oh, [BLEEP]
[MOANS]

[BLEEP] hell! Sorry, viewers.

-CLARKSON: [ON RADIO] Hammond?
-Yes?

CLARKSON: We're staying
tonight at a town called...

I think it's called Calafate.
Something like that.

Apparently,
there's a freestyle

trampoline competition
going on,

£100 first prize.

Oh, well,
I think we're signed up.

We're also signed up
for the piggyback race.

CLARKSON: Excellent.

Soon we started
to get a bit distracted

by the backdrop.

Bloody Nora, look at that!

What's that all about?

We had to stop
and take a moment.

[HONKING LA CUCARACHA]

[LAUGHING]

Look at that.
I mean, look at it.

That really is, actually,

-a spectacular view.
-It is.

That's one of
the best, actually.

But, that is a film set.

Those mountains,
they must be...

I've never heard of them,
but they're...

Well, it's the Andes.

MAY: What? Could you just
take a quick picture

and then show it to me?
It's easier.

Oh, no, my phone's flat.

Hop out. We'll help you.

Even at the best of times,
that's an idiotic expression.

Nobody hops out of a car.

-CLARKSON: Jump out.
-Nobody jumps out of a car.

Nobody hovers,
nobody leaps out.

-CLARKSON: He's quite grumpy.
-Nobody pops.

HAMMOND: Back pain
does that to people.

-It does.
-It puts them in a bad mood.

It does.

CLARKSON: Back on the road,

I started to think about
the football stadium

we'd have to build
at journey's end.

[ON RADIO] Um,
I've had a thought.

What?

CLARKSON: [ON RADIO] Builders
don't turn up in Porsches

or Lotuses or Ford Mustangs.

At some point,
we're going to have to

make our cars
a bit more workman-like.

I get you. Okay.

CLARKSON: And so,
that afternoon,

after a wonderful drive
on glorious roads,

we reached El Calafate.

-[HONKING LA CUCARACHA]
-Oh, sorry.

They've wired it up.

CLARKSON: And there
we found what we needed.

Looks like a workshop.
We can use that.

We can do work.

[DOGS BARKING]

It doesn't work.

Uh...

Largos.

Gruesos.

CLARKSON: 24 hours later,

our modifications
were complete.

[CAR HONKING]

At the front, I have mended
the alternator belt

and fitted these stripes
so May and Hammond

stop calling me a businessman.

At the back, I've been
a little more radical.

I have converted my 928
into an pick-up truck.

-[HONKING LA CUCARACHA]
-Ooh!

What on earth is this all for?

Lights. Well, I had a problem
with my lights.

I have addressed that.

Why, in such an enormous car,
have you fitted

the roll cage on the outside?

HAMMOND: Yeah,
the exoskeleton.

Because, well, it leaves more
room inside, doesn't it?

CLARKSON: What you've done
is you've made your

already very big car

even bigger, and you've
fitted the spoiler...

-Yep.
-...from the back...

Yeah. Still got
the spoiler on it.

CLARKSON: Have you had
this in a wind tunnel?

HAMMOND: Not yet, no.

[CLEARING THROAT]
And then...

CLARKSON: Oh, my word!
HAMMOND: I know!

It's the most logical thing
in the world, really,

if you think about it.
Mustang. Pick-up.

CLARKSON: Hammond and I
had also raised

our cars' ride height,

which is more
than James had done.

Oh, look, here he comes.

BOTH: Uh...

HAMMOND: Um...
What, what has he done?

It's, um...

[WHISPERING]
He hasn't done anything.

We can speed this up
in the edit, can't we?

We'll walk slowly
and then we can speed this up.

HAMMOND: [SPEAKING SLOWLY]
Hi, James.

CLARKSON: Right, and back
to normal speed...

Now. What have you been doing?

Well, I've largely been having
hot and cold baths

to ease my aching bones.

-James.
-Yeah?

We've made pick-up trucks.

You've done
absolutely nothing.

How are you going to carry

any of the supplies
and the tools we need?

Aha!

"Aha," what?

This is brilliant.

Oh, I see!

What, behind this? Seriously?

Behold.

Towbar, yeah, I see.
So, this is your trailer.

That's my trailer.

Right, so we're all ready,
and I'm going to be in front

because I have fitted
my car with satnav.

MAY: Have you?

[CLEARING THROAT]

None of the dials
will work ever again.

It's a complete electronic
mishmash in there.

HAMMOND: Oh, I see!

CLARKSON: As we
headed out of town,

there were a few accidents
with James' trailer.

[BANGING]

[CLANGING]

This is brilliant.

Now James has a trailer,
we can run into him...

MAY: [ON RADIO] Oi. Not funny.

HAMMOND: Sorry.

...without damaging his Lotus.

We annoy him,

we don't damage the Lotus.
Win-win.

And Hammond's go.

HAMMOND: Oh,
this is like tennis.

HAMMOND: Out on the highway,
I discovered

that not all of my mods
had worked very well.

I haven't improved

the forward visibility
so much,

because there's a bar
across my windscreen.

Yeah, that's better.

CLARKSON: My satnav mod,
however, had worked very well,

and as a result,
I was able to come up

with a time-saving plan.

[DOG BARKING]

Okay, we are here.
We've got to go here.

Ushuaia, southernmost
city in the world,

and so on, yeah?

Now, this is the road. Look.

It's tarmac, gravel, tarmac,
gravel, ferry,

onto Tierra del Fuego,
back into Argentina,

and then all the way
to there, yeah?

Now, I think we've
already proved

the Porsche
can handle anything

that Patagonia throws at it.

Wait a minute.
We haven't, have we?

I mean, we've
proven the opposite.

-It's here.
-It fell apart.

One suspension
component failure,

that's it, which broke
the electrics.

So, the suspension
and all the electrics failed.

One leg broke.

HAMMOND: And then
the alternator belt went.

CLARKSON: Listen, let's
not get bogged down

with whose car's broken
down the most.

-Now...
-MAY: 'Cause it's yours.

CLARKSON: Since we need
to get on with this...

-Okay, yeah.
-...all three of us

-have got here. Yes?
-Yeah.

-Yes.
-All three of us.

And I have a suggestion.

Punta Arenas.

No, look.
Honestly, it's brilliant.

You have to use a ferry to
get to Tierra del Fuego, okay?

-'Cause it's an island.
-HAMMOND: Yes.

CLARKSON: So I'm saying
we go here. Punta Arenas.

-HAMMOND: Oh, I see.
-CLARKSON: Yeah?

Get on a ferry there.
It's further on the boat.

And then,
get to Ushuaia that way.

MAY: Ferry.
HAMMOND: Ferry.

Right. Good.

With the plan agreed,
we soldiered on.

Go to Punta Arenas,
catch boat,

arrive Ushuaia,
build stadium,

play football, do diplomacy.

What can possibly
go wrong with that?

As it turned out,
absolutely everything.

But for now,
we were heading once more

for Chile and Punta Arenas.

And, after many miles
of being bounced around,

the Porsche developed
another fault.

-[WIND BLOWING LOUDLY]
-[SHOUTING] As you
can probably hear,

my sunroof
has partially opened

and won't close again!

And because
I'm driving into the wind,

it's quite loud in here!

Oh, God. Please!

Eventually, though, I came up
with an ingenious solution.

Yes, this has
solved the problem.

HAMMOND: If you've
just joined us...

Oh, I can't explain.

It has slightly
impeded our progress,

if you don't mind me saying.

He is going to be
a little bit surprised,

this chap overtaking
our convoy.

But, um... Sorry.

Soon we reached
the border post,

where I mended my sunroof

and Hammond did his thang
with the back of his Mustang.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Then, we were back in Chile.

I've just passed the most
fantastic road sign.

It said Fin del Mundo.
The End of the World.

We're heading for
the end of the world.

Eventually, our brilliant,
wonderful, magical cars

reached the port
of Punta Arenas,

and before boarding the ferry
to Tierra del Fuego,

we decided to buy some things
for our football stadium.

Pies, beer, goalposts,
corner posts, a trophy.

And we need three
or four former footballers

in a studio to talk
about the football.

MAY: In the town centre,
we split up to do shopping.

I don't really want to get out
of the car if I can avoid it,

because I've got a bad back.

This looks like
the sales assistant.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

The man says
this isn't real grass,

it's synthetic.

You'd never know.

Sorry.

Goal!

MAY: Right,
what else do I need?

Oh, [BLEEP]

CLARKSON: Soon our
shopping trip was complete.

Corner flags, got the box,
cement, hammer, good.

Astroturf, beer, beer, beer.

What is this?

Oh, this? This, gentlemen,
is magnificent.

That's what it is.

This is the trophy

that will be presented
to the winning team

after our game of football.

It is striking,

and I'm very glad
it's the trophy,

because for one second

I thought it was
your present to me.

Actually, I have actually
bought you a present.

It's, I know where
we're going is very cold,

so you'll need to stay warm.
So I've got you that. Um...

Oh, I say.

Oh, thank you very much.

CLARKSON: Richard and I had
also bought James something.

To remind you
of this extraordinary trip

that we have been on.

What?

Oh, seriously, that's...

CLARKSON: 'Cause we
know you love horses.

-HAMMOND: You left
the price on it, Jeremy!
-Oh, thanks, lads.

I've got a warm glow.

CLARKSON:
With the trophy loaded up...

-Oh, yeah.
-Careful, careful.

CLARKSON:
...we headed for the port.

HAMMOND: Right, the ferry.

And what a fine-looking
craft she is.

As the captain was keen
to catch the tide,

Clarkson
and I boarded quickly.

However...

CLARKSON: No, he's got...

No, you've blown that before
you've even started, James.

This trailer is really badly
behaved. Why won't it...

HAMMOND: No. Oh, it's a bit...
It's S-ing a bit.

Now, if you caught it now...

No.

[CLANGING]

No.

[CLARKSON LAUGHING]

All these people,
lorry drivers,

wondering why there's
a delayed departure.

Yes, yes.

CLARKSON: Yes.Yes.
HAMMOND: This is it.

CLARKSON: James, take it...
No, slowly, slowly.

James, slowly left hand down,
left hand down.

He's crashed into the boat.

Yeah.

CLARKSON:
With darkness falling

and the tide all wrong,

James finally made it.

[ALL CLAPPING]

CLARKSON: Yeah, you see...

Well done, mate.
That was tremendous.

Really, really the best
hour and a half entertainment

I've had in a long time.

CLARKSON: You seen that?

That is the southernmost tip
of the American continent.

Right there.

HAMMOND:
That's a significant spot

on the globe, isn't it, this?

CLARKSON: It is.

[FERRY HORN BLARING]

CLARKSON: It was not the most
comfortable voyage in history,

but we forgot all about that
the next morning,

when the sunrise revealed

the spectacular islands
of Tierra del Fuego.

However, there was a problem.

For political reasons,

we can't go to Ushuaia
on this boat.

What sort
of political reasons?

Well, all these islands
here belong to Chile, okay?

But Argentina think
they're theirs.

-No.
-I know.

But, anyway, let's not
get bogged down with that.

The captain's very kindly said
he'll drop us here,

and then there's a track,

-can you see?
-MAY: Oh, yeah.

There it is. Look.

CLARKSON: That goes
down there to Ushuaia.

CLARKSON:
Sadly, for geological reasons,

the ferry couldn't dock
at the track.

So the captain dropped us
off a mile down the beach.

Here we go.

James May
is on Tierra del Fuego.

I claim this land for Norfolk,
and name it Lotus Beach.

Oh, yes!

HAMMOND:
Yeah! We are going to Ushuaia.

MAY: c*ck.

Uh, chaps, the Lotus is
beached on Lotus Beach.

Oh, good,
that's a massive hole.

If we take this off
and smash it to pieces,

we can use the slats.

Yeah.

To make a sort of sand ladder

in front of him to get
him up and out of this.

I bought a pickaxe,
it's in there somewhere,

which is excellent.
There it is, in fact.

Right, if you do
the ropes, ready?

Hang on, hang on.

Hang on, hang on, hang on,
hang on, hang on.

Take it out of the trailer
before you...

No, no, why would I do that?
This is the right height.

-Also...
-Yeah, but you can...

-Hold on, hold on.
-...lever it.

That's the wrong tool
for the...

-Stop.
-You can lever it.

You still got
the plastic protector

-on the end of the pickaxe.
-Oh, yeah.

-I'm not...
-Aha!

You're just breaking
the slats up.

Now you can't use it.

If you jam...

If you put it on the ground
and jam the prong in there,

-you can lever them up
and lever them off.
-MAY: Exactly.

Well, that's it, then,
I'm not helping.

I've done all I can do.

That isn't going
to really help.

CLARKSON: I decided to leave
them to it and go on ahead.

HAMMOND: What an absolute...

[GROANING]

Oh.

Ah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[GROANING]
[BLEEP]

MAY: In three, two,
one and go.

[TYRES SCREECHING]

And we're through.

MAY: Up ahead,
after we'd rounded

an apparently pointless

wooden fence obstacle,
there was a problem.

HAMMOND: Oh, God, look at it.

Massive boulders.

Won't go over that,
won't go over that.

'Cause, Hammond,
look down there.

-Won't go over that.
-Look at the next bit.

Won't go over any of that.

CLARKSON: Luckily,
the backs of our cars

were full of stuff
we could use to make progress.

Ow!

Bit of right.

Quite a lot of right!

-No, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
-What?

Oh, bloody hell!

Three, two, one, and go.

No, it's not helping at all.

Now left,
full left, full left.

CLARKSON: Do you mean right?

Full right, sorry.

Lever.

Oh, yes!

MAY: In five hours,
we had moved just 200 yards

and our cars were taking
such heavy punishment...

That is clutch.

...that we completely failed
to notice the rising tide.

Oh, God.

[BLEEP] Hammond, go now.
James, get out of the way.

Ooh.

Go round me.

MAY: Up ahead, the beach
narrowed so much

that soon the tide would
cut us off completely.

What we needed now,
more than ever, was teamwork.

I'm sorry, it's every man
for himself now.

The situation is,
actually, quite perilous.

Come on, Porsche, please,
please, please, please.

Oh, [BLEEP]

Oh, for God's sake.

That's punched a hole
in the door.

The tide is moving four inches
every ten minutes.

MAY: Meanwhile, back
where Jeremy had left us...

[CAR ENGINE REVVING]

This is going wear
the clutch out

if I'm not careful.

[BLEEP] Come on!

Please move, Porsche,
please move.

Come on, yes,
you brilliant car.

Come on.

Come on, Porsche, come on.

Yeah.

Go on.

Oh, God.

HAMMOND: Sorry,
this is really brutal.

I'm not stopping.
Get bogged down if I stop.

Got a puncture,
I've got a knackered clutch.

CLARKSON: Just in time,
I made it to the pinch point.

Come on, come on,
through the sea.

And moments later,
I was joined by

Hank B. Hammond.

[HAMMOND CHUCKLING]

Right, only the Lotus now.

I'll be staggered
if I get through this bit.

Oh, yes!

CLARKSON: Of course,
it's traditional

on TV these days

that everyone always makes it,

but this is Top Gear...
So, we didn't.

James, therefore,
parked his car

above the high water mark,

locked it, weirdly,

and we made camp,
which for once wasn't so bad.

What a view, that is.

HAMMOND: It's mind-blowing.

It is mind-blowing.

CLARKSON: I think we have
to all agree that

Tierra del Fuego is the most
beautiful place in the world.

HAMMOND: I'll go with that.

MAY: I'm happy to accept that.
HAMMOND: Yeah.

What are we eating,
by the way?

Beaver.

What?

Beaver.

There's a plague of them here,
honestly.

Back in '46, Peron introduced
25 pairs of beaver down here.

There are now hundreds
of thousands of them.

Half the riparian forest
around here, half of it,

has gone as a result
of beavers.

'Cause the beaver, here,
likes hardwood.

And you can eat it?

I'll let you know in a minute.

Mate of mine said he did once.

What, a mate of yours
said he'd eaten beaver?

Yeah, I didn't believe him.

Let's try it.

I'm fairly sure
I don't like beaver, actually.

CLARKSON: I mean, I'll eat
anything, as you know.

I'll just warm you
a piece up, Hammond.

It was a wonderful evening,

and after the sun went down,
it got even better.

The next morning, at low tide,
we rescued the Lotus

and set off on the final leg
of our journey to Ushuaia.

However, our cars
had been badly

bruised by the beach as*ault.

And there was another issue.

We've used a lot of the stuff
we bought in Punta Arenas

to build the stadium
to get us off that beach.

That's James May's trailer.
That's all he's got left.

Plank of wood,
wheelbarrow and toy horse.

Spirits, though,
were high as we reached

what would be
the final mountain range.

We could almost
smell the victory.

MAY: Well,
this is lovely, isn't it?

This is the most
scenic bit yet.

HAMMOND: Jeremy
and I, however,

were too busy
enjoying ourselves

to notice the view.

Whoa! There you go. Yeah!

Rally stage.

And stick it into the corner.
Power it round.

Little bit of boot,
full of opposite lock.

Yes, I'm going well.

Oh, hang on.

Whoa!

Whoa! No, no, no, no.

[CAR BANGING]

CLARKSON: [ON RADIO] Turns out
I'm not good at rallying.

There's evidence to suggest
neither am I.

CLARKSON:
Both of us were stuck.

But luckily we had
the right equipment

for such a cold-weather
emergency.

The beaver we ate last night,

we made some clothes
out of it's...

Out of its fur,

and that's going
to be handy now.

Beaver mittens.

You know that carpet
you're carrying?

Yeah.

We could use that,
couldn't we, to get going?

It is incredibly heavy.

I've got a bad back.

Right, let's get this out.

Then we can get
the carpet out

and get it
underneath the tyres

and then we can be on our way.

There we go, okey-dokey.

Right, Hammond, I've got it.

Right, go. Just walk away.

-Out the door?
-Just walk away.

Do you want me
to turn around now?

-'Cause you're not
welcome any more.
-Okay.

I should have changed
that stupid lock,

should have thrown
away the key,

if I'd have known for
one second you'd be back...

Yes, the lyrics go on,
we know that.

Put it on the floor.

I can't put it on the floor!
It's not going down!

Oh...

CLARKSON: Sadly, the carpet
wasn't a solution.

And then we saw why.

So, that wheel is straight,
that one is hard left.

MAY: Oh, Holy Moley!

CLARKSON: Something massive
has snapped underneath.

When was the last time
somebody saw the 2CV?

CLARKSON: Having
assessed the situation,

I dug myself out,

fired up my stereo, and left.

[MUSIC BLARING FROM RADIO]

Sorry.

MAY: [ON RADIO]
In three, two, one. Here I go.

Having towed my colleague

out of the way,
I then left as well.

And soon I caught up
with Clarkson.

So, his wheel fell off in

Bolivia, off his Land Cruiser.

Wheel fell off his Subaru
in Tanzania.

The wheel's come off
his Mustang here.

Well, the constant factor
in all of those

wheel-falling-off incidents
is the driver.

[RATTLING]

I really genuinely believe
Hammond has had it.

Absolutely had it.

That car is mendable

if it were in Stevenage,
but it isn't.

HAMMOND: And, having
removed the wheel,

I felt the same way.

That is the culprit.

Track rod end.
This fixes here,

decides where
the wheel is pointing,

and clearly all the rest of
it's gone, it's just sheared.

And there's nothing
to suggest it was going to

if I hadn't hit
the big wall of ice.

CLARKSON:
James and I pushed on

towards the final
border crossing

back into Argentina.

But when we reached it,

we couldn't help noticing
it was a river,

and something important
was missing.

MAY: Well,
why isn't there a bridge?

I know we've hit
a few problems

in the last 24 hours,

but that's our biggest yet.

MAY: Is it... How deep is it?

It's not so much the depth.
It's...

Look, it's muddy,
and we'll get stuck getting...

Oh, look.

Something's been
driving through it.

-You can see the tracks.
-Well, what about that?

That lorry must have
driven through it to be there.

MAY: Buenas t*rd!

What's the Spanish for,

"Does your lorry
back over here,

"and could you lift
our cars onto it?"

CLARKSON: Hola...
Oh, he's driving off.

MAY: Oh, God.

I thought that was a bit
too good to be true.

CLARKSON: No, wait.
MAY: Oh, wait a minute.

CLARKSON: Wait a minute.

Well, perhaps
this is his business.

Perhaps it's a ferry.

MAY: It's a lorry-ferry.
Is that pos...

I suppose it's possible.

If it was a ferry,

it didn't seem
very at home in the water.

[ENGINE REVVING]

[TYRES SCREECHING]

And it didn't have
the most sophisticated system

for loading the car.

I'm not sure I want to
put my Porsche on that.

Go.

Oh, God. I'm stuck.

Oh God...
[LAUGHING ANXIOUSLY]

What if there's nowhere
to turn it on the other side?

What if I can't get off?
Oh, my God!

[MAY LAUGHING]

That's so shonky.

His stupid car
on the back of a lorry.

CLARKSON:
We're in the river now.

We're in the river.

It's deep!
Deep, deep, deep river.

Right, I'm across the river...
Hold on, how do I get off?

How do I get off?

Eduardo Stobart
had thought of that.

And having deposited me...

[BANGING]

...he went back to get James.

MAY: I'm on.

CLARKSON: But sadly there was
no room for his trailer.

I'm taking Brokeback
in the car with me.

Oh, ow!

Here we go!

I didn't tell him
I had a bad back. [YELPS]

CLARKSON: James was deposited
gently on the bank...

MAY: Ow.

CLARKSON:
Okey-doke, right, good.

We're both in, definitely,
Argentina now.

And then we were interrupted
by a familiar sound.

[CAR ENGINE IN DISTANCE]

Is that...

It can't be.

[LAUGHING]

Not going to lose me
that easily, boys.

CLARKSON: That is the Mustang.

How the hell's he mended that?

Unfortunately,
Hammond then rather spoiled

the majesty of his arrival.

He's stuck.

I'm stuck.

[CLARKSON LAUGHING]

Jeremy and James,
is that you over there?

CLARKSON: [ON RADIO]
It certainly is.

Why don't you come
over the river

and then you're in Argentina.

[MAY WHOOPS]

Well, yeah, hello, yeah,

but how do I come
over the river?

CLARKSON: You drive over it.
It's a ford.

It's not a ford, it's a river.

CLARKSON: We drove over. Easy.

Sadly, because Hammond
was bogged down,

we had to ask
a local digger driver

to go and get him.

Okay, could you chugga-chugga
over and then tow?

-[MIMES ENGINE] Huh?
-[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Yes.

CLARKSON:
Thanks to my brilliant miming,

the kindly chap
was soon on his way.

I mean, Hammond thinks
we drove across it.

He's in for quite
a surprise in a minute.

Yeah, this is suddenly seeming
like not such a good idea.

Oh.

Oh, it's deep.

MAY: Is that the bottom
of the doors?

CLARKSON: Yeah.
It's the bottom of the doors.

-[WATER POURING]
-Oh, there is water coming in.

Lot of water now in my car.

CLARKSON:
If he sees this lorry...

He might be really angry,
actually.

We might have to hide.

There is water coming out.
Quite a lot of it.

Where are they?

Should've seen James
coming across the river.

It was almost up
to the top of the windows.

-Phenomenal.
-Yeah.

You got them quite
muddy again in the drive

from the river to here.

CLARKSON: The next day,
we were on the road, early,

with Hammond worrying about

the quality of his alpine
track rod end fix.

I hope that weld holds.

If it doesn't, this shot is
going to get very tumbly.

Sky, ground, sky, ground,
sky, ground, screaming.

CLARKSON: But there were
only a few miles

to go to Ushuaia.
And, there,

a team of locals
had already begun

the groundwork
for our stadium.

They were using
shipping containers

which would form
the framework.

And we had even lined up

some football cars
for the Argentinians to use.

But then we received word
that up ahead

there was some kind of protest
about our visit,

and the producers decided
it'd be best

if we went to a nearby hotel.

CLARKSON: Who's that lot
in the car park, James?

Do you know?

MAY: No.
I've seen them before,

but I'm not sure who they are.

CLARKSON: Well, this lot
are taking a lot of interest

in the camera vehicles.

HAMMOND: What is it?

MAY: I don't know what these
blokes came out of,

but they're heading this way.

HAMMOND:
They're coming down the front.

CLARKSON: Who is?
Are they coming up here?

[BLEEP] James, please
keep your face back.

MAN: You've seen
the vehicle there

with the flag and all
that kind of stuff
that we're getting.

There must be about 10 or 15

in the foyer just now.

I've spoke to the manager.
He's a little bit...

Nothing...
Not a lot that he can do.

So, I think at the moment,
if we all stay in our rooms...

CLARKSON: All right.
Here's the situation.

We're holed up in this room.
I don't know whose it is,

-but it isn't ours.
-[RADIO CHATTER]

CLARKSON: Uh,
there's a g*ng...

Nationalists, whatever,

believe that the Falklands
are Argentinian,

they don't like the British,
and they're in the hotel.

And we're stuck in here

and we don't know
what's going on.

The protestors consisted
of some Falkland w*r veterans

and their associates,

who said that
if we didn't stop filming,

there would be trouble.

The arrival of the police
made us realise

this was no idle threat.

[MAN SPEAKING SPANISH]

CLARKSON: The head veteran
accused us of putting

a fake number plate
on the Porsche,

that was
a deliberate reference

to the Falklands w*r.

Our producers tried to explain

it wasn't fake
and that it would be replaced

for the game of football,
but they got nowhere.

MAN: [ON RADIO] We're in
a meeting with the police now.

Are you saying
we've got to get

the hell out
of Tierra del Fuego?

MAN: [ON RADIO] Absolutely.

We're being ordered to leave
Tierra del Fuego, yes?

MAN: [ON RADIO] We are.
They want us, as people, out.

We have just been ordered
out of Tierra del Fuego,

ordered out of,
effectively, Argentina.

But we haven't,
we haven't had any

animosity what so ever
in the whole trip.

Everybody's been
perfectly decent,

very charming.

All we wanted to do was
come here and play football,

and what's happened is...

The producers said
it would take 24 hours

to organise the departure
of such a large crew.

But even though
the police were present,

the veterans said
a mob was on its way

and that there
would be violence

if we weren't gone in three.

Right, guys, everyone grab
a bit of equipment, please.

Everyone grab something, okay?

Do we get an escort?

CLARKSON:
Meanwhile, the three of us,

who were the main target
for the protesters' anger,

were still holed up
in our room.

Now, we've been doing
a whole load

of Butch Cassidy stuff
on the way over here, and...

HAMMOND: Come on.

This is Butch Cassidy
for real.

Guys, everyone in the cars.

CLARKSON: With four tonnes
of equipment

loaded into the cars,

the 31-strong film crew
headed out of town.

[RADIO CHATTER]

CLARKSON:
And soon, darkness fell.

[RADIO CHATTER]

CLARKSON: A police escort
would take them 184 miles

to the border town
of San Sebastian,

where they'd cross
over into Chile.

And since the protestors'
demands had been met,

the crew hoped
they were out of danger.

But a short while later,

they realised
they were not alone.

MAN: Bikes behind
the star cars.

Bikes behind the star cars.

They're stopping
and looking in.

They're looking
for the Porsche.

[RADIO CHATTER]

CLARKSON: On the only road,
in the middle of nowhere,

with no phone signal,

the crew were being hounded.

MAN: They're going
to be aggressive.

CLARKSON: Then, just outside
the town of Tolowin,

the police told the convoy
to pull over

and prepare for an attack.

[RADIO CHATTER]

[RADIO CHATTER]

CLARKSON:
As they drove into town,

a large mob was waiting.

MAN: [ON RADIO]
The people on the left,
a lot of people on the left.

[BLEEP] hell, look at this.

Yeah, there's a lot
of people here. [BLEEP]

[BLEEP], they're everywhere.

CLARKSON
And they were organised.

And there's a truck
slowing us down, too. [BLEEP]

MAN: [ON RADIO]
The truck blocking
the right-hand lane.

It's too slow.

That's a deliberate
[BLEEP] truck, just put there.

They're coming out. [GASPS]

[BLEEP]

CLARKSON: The first couple
of hits were from eggs.

But then the rocks started.

MAN: [ON RADIO]
Throwing stones,
throwing stones.

Stuff lobbed at us.

[BANGING]

[BLEEP] drive!
[BLEEP] drive!

-[SIRENS WAILING]
-[INDISTINCT TALKING]

MAN: Put it down, put it down,
put it down.

[BLEEP]

[MAN SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

MAN: [ON RADIO]
Keep it going, keep it going.

[BLEEP]

MAN: Look out.
Look out on your right,

look out on your right.

Go left, go left.
Keep going, keep going.

Now, floor it to the right.
Floor it to the right.

[BANGING]

MAN: [ON RADIO] Keep going.

Keep calm. Keep calm. Left.

MAN: [ON RADIO]
Keep the convoy rolling.
Keep it going.

Keep Karl...
Karl, pull in in front of us.

CLARKSON:
Out of the town, the crew,

two of whom had been hurt,
pulled over to repair

the multitude
of smashed windows.

MAN: Right, let's help Dan
on this one, now.

CLARKSON: And because they
were a magnet for trouble,

they had to abandon
the Porsche, Ford and Lotus.

CLARKSON: Back on the move,
they were now heading

for the much larger town
of Rio Grande,

where they were told a mob
in some 300 cars was waiting.

CLARKSON:
Fearing for their lives,

the crew abandoned the road
and headed cross-country

towards the river border
we'd used earlier.

[MAN ON RADIO]

CLARKSON:
With the police escort
hanging back

to make sure the attackers
hadn't spotted the ruse,

the convoy made it
to the river,

where a few hours later

daylight revealed the
viciousness of the attack.

This time, there were
no diggers or trucks

to help ford the river.

MAN: Come on!

CLARKSON: But after
many hours of struggle,

our team made it across...

[CARS HONKING]

[ALL CHEERING]

...and into the welcoming
arms of Chile.

MAN: We are happy to see you.

CLARKSON: Us three, meanwhile,
had decided to conclude

this whole sorry saga

in the same way
that Butch Cassidy

and the Sundance Kid
had ended theirs.

I've had a great idea.

What?

-Australia.
-Australia?

Yeah, they've got horses.
You could learn to ride.

No horses!

Well, listen.

The important thing
to remember

when we get out of here is...

Hang on, did you see
the 2CV out there?



Oh, good.
For a moment then I thought

we were in trouble. Right.

MAN: Fuego!

[g*ns FIRING]

Fuego!

[g*ns FIRING]