02x02 - Trisha Goddard, Ben Shephard, Frankie Boyle, Rich Hall

[bunniefuu]

Tonight, on Would I Lie to You,

she's a daytime queen, it's Trisha Goddard.

He's an American dream, it's Rich Hall.

And their team captain, David Mitchell.

And facing them tonight,

he's Raymond Chisel, it's Ben Shephard.

He's Raymond Grizzle, it's Frankie Boyle.

And their team captain, Lee Mack.

But first, please go crazy, or
at least slightly demented,

in appreciation of your host, Angus Deayton.

Good evening and welcome
to Would I Lie to You,

the show where lying is not just
tolerated but actively encouraged.

There are occasions in life when we
have to lie, whether we like it or not.

After all we're never gonna be
able to park that close to Tesco,

unless we, at least, fake a limp.

There is a medical condition
in which people can't help but lie.

It's called being a Sun journalist.

According to psychologists,
you can generally spot liar

by the fact that they use
very few hand or arm gestures.

Which is why you should never
trust any cast member of Riverdance.

Which brings us to round one, Home Truths.

In which our panelists tonight
take it in turns to

read out statements
about themselves,

and the other side take
their turns to look intelligent

and work out if it's true or not.

As yet, the panelists don't know
whether what's written on the card

is a true statement or an outrageous lie.

So, speed of thought or at least
avoidance of wide-eye panic is preferable.

Trisha is first into the fray, so
Trisha, your confession, if you would.

I'm currently beating Jeremy
Kyle 5-3 at Internet scrabble.

Right, Lee, your thoughts?

How did this come about?

On the Internet.

How did you meet Jeremy Kyle?

Not intentionally.

Did you meet him when you were out trying to
round up guests for both your shows, just...

He was trying to avoid
doing a Lie Detector show.

Tell us what you really think right now.

Actually, we've got a lot
of Scottish guests, Frankie.

I'm expecting you to appear any day now.

The minute I start shagging
my sister, I will do.

So how did this come about then?

I have reason to believe I might have been set up.

Did he groom you first? Is that what you're...

We share the same...

We did in the past. Jeremy Kyle
Show has some ex-staff working there.

- So I... - You're set up.

Yeah, I think it was a joke, ha ha.

They thought very funny.

I think it's unlikely that any
man plays Internet Scrabble.

Maybe it's someone who's seen
all the p*rn*graphy in the world.

Otherwise, why would you bother?

I'm veering towards saying that
she's not telling the truth.

- What do you think? - I think it's a lie.

I think it sounds like
the plot of the most dull

- ever romantic comedy. - Romantic?!

- Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan as
two rival TV presenters. - Oh my God...

- It must be a lie. - That's a lie.

OK, they're saying it's a lie.

So let's have the truth, Trisha?

Well, you're gonna kick yourselves, because...

- A lie. - It is a lie.

Yes, they are, it is a lie.

Trisha is not currently beating Jeremy
Kyle 3-5 at Internet Scrabble.

If she had that much time on her hand,

she would be a member of her own audience.

Of course, some people think of
Jeremy Kyle as just being a bully.

But it's easy to forget that he's also a twat.

Next up, it's Ben's turn to astound us, Ben?

If you would.

I've been offered £2000 by OK! magazine

for pictures of my dog's birthday.

What's your dog called again?

- John. - John??

The dog's named after my grandfather.

As a kid, I grew up and my parents
had all of that Jack Russells.

They were called Daisy and Feely and I
hated having to take them for walks.

You know, walking your dogs as a teenager,
you've gotta shout, "Daisy, here, Daisy."

And there's a nice-looking girl walking
past with her dog, you look like a fool.

I'm not convinced...You do look a fool.
You're allowed to give dogs frivolous names.

People names went, "Rover, what a
stupid name, should've called it Andrew."

I've always liked the idea
of giving a dog a human name.

An incredibly sensible, a
crushingly sensible name...

Have you given your dog a surname?

You've invented a sort of fake
national insurance number for your dog.

Listen, this birthday, is there a cake?

- Are there other dogs coming?
- I've never...'Cause I think essentially,

the idea being that if I had
a birthday party for the dog,

then my family would be there.

And they can get a family sh**ting as well.

Is there to be a cake?

Of course!

Made out of chum or something.

- But I think it's... - Huge, horrible meaty cake.

Made out of the hooves of horses.

So, David, what do you reckon?

You know, it's one of those that I...
It could be true or not, couldn't it?

I believe £2000 is not a lot of money.

It's a fortune to Jack Russells.

I don't think dogs are
allowed legally to own money.

- Aren't they? - There is a terrible fear that

the Queen would leave the
whole country to one of her corgis.

What do you think?

I don't believe him.

I don't believe him but it's
so stupid it just could be true.

I think he's...I don't know. I think it's not true.

- We think it's a lie. - They're saying it's a lie.

Ben, time to fess up.

Well I'm afraid, it's a lie.

Well deduced.

I totally believed you
had a dog called John.

Do you not even have a dog called John?

- Nada. No. - Do you have a dog?

- Really? - No.

No one would make up a dog name like John.

Would you have a dog?

- I don't, no. - If you had a dog, would you
give it a very normal, doggy name?

Or would you give it
something more individual?

I don't know.

I have made a decision early on in my life:

Don't think of dog names
before you have a dog.

Don't get distracted when you're
supposed to be doing your tax.

I'll tell you what I can usefully do instead:

Think of a name for my first seven dogs.

Yes, it is a lie.

Ben has not been offered £2000 by

OK! magazine for pictures
of his dog's birthday.

Perhaps the most famous
celebrity dog in the world

is Tinkerbell, belonging to Paris Hilton.

I'm sure if she can only speak what
incredible stories of showbiz decadence,

Paris Hilton could tell.

Frankie, your revelation.

I have rated 98% on a psychopath test.

- I don't think this even need to be discussed.
- No, we don't need to discuss.

What is a psychopath
test, just out of interest?

Don't answer, just stab him.

Do you have to qualify to be a psychopath?

Is it that kind of..It's the entrance exam.

No, it's just a thing I
drafted onto the Internet.

Can you recall any of the
questions that were asked?

I remember one about...

What would I do if I saw a man drowning.

And what do you say.

I just thought, f*ck him.

Who would administer such a test?

- There is a website of various tests.
- It's like the magic tests.

It's like a magic test.

- So it was 98%, meaning 2%
of you is actually... - Human.

indecent.

I think to get a 100%, you'd have
to fill the test standing in blood.

- Which is very difficult
online. - Did it change your...

- You were trying to get a 100%. - Yeah.

- And you failed. - Which is actually,
we've all been thinking for a long time that

all this nastiness, Frankie, is
just a defense mechanism, isn't it?

You think I want to reach out?

I'm not saying...Certainly...

I'd certainly back off if you did.

But I could believe that you fill in the test.

- and got the 98%. - Yeah, I..

- And you're saying? - So we say true.

- OK, tell us, is it gosbel truth or
confounded lie? - It is in fact...

True.

It is, absolutely true.

Yes, it's true.

Frankie has rated 98% on a psychopath test.

Putting him just ahead of
Hitler, Pol Pot and Ceaușescu.

And just behind Simon Cowell.

And so to our second round,

which is known as The Ring of Truth.

Until such time as we
think of something better.

Some tidbits of celebrity
trivia for our panelists,

all they have to do is decide

whether it's nothing but the
truth or nothing like the truth.

Lee's team are up first, with the question
cunningly linked to this BBC news item.

The manager's a Swede, now
the players are melons.

Amrat's a football-mad engineer,

but he's also an artist and he does
a mean portray using the medium of melons.

Amazingly, Amrat's only been
carving melons since January,

but he's already got a cracking
portfolio of melons for all occasions.

He's a hero of England, isn't it?

That's why I put...Make him on the melon.

And with any bits of melon leftover,

just put them in the smoothie-maker.

And blend it like Beckham.

So the related fact for Lee's team is this.

It is doubtful that he'd be able to do that.

He can't his mouth in that picture, could he?

David Beckham couldn't recite the
alphabet forwards before every match.

If you ask him to recite
the alphabet backwards,

he'd turn around and recite the alphabet.

When you say backwards, are
we talking z, y, x backwards or...

- As opposed to? - or are we talking...[倒放）

I think this is...I can't believe this is it.

There's obviously confusion with
the...I know there is a true story that

Posh Spice[贝嫂] actually
regurgitates alphabetti spaghetti

before she goes on stage.

And whatever comes out, they
use for the lyrics for the songs.

So your decision on this
one, is it a truth or a lie?

I think it's probably true.

I don't think it's true, but you think it's
true, do you? What do you think, Ben?

OK, I'm gonna go with a lie then,

but I think it's true.

Spoken like a true
middle-of-the-road GMTV presenter.

I'm gonna go with my team and say it's true.

They're saying it's true,
and I can tell you it is a lie.

Sadly, David Beckham does not recite the
alphabet backwards before match.

Sure, though, he did begin to
recite the alphabet forwards once,

which is why we didn't see him
playing for a year and a half.

So,

to David's team, who have this to ponder.

- And your name is? - Simon Curtis.

- Your profession? - Administrator.

- And your chosen subject?
- It's the films of Jim Carrey.

Jim Carrey.

In two minutes.

Which Jim Carey film is his character's

love interest dragged into a car

by a Father saying "Fiji, we're moving to Fiji!"

Pass.

The Grinch lives on which
mount, during overlooking

the town of Who-ville with only
his dog Max for company

at How the Grinch Stole Christmas?

Pass.

In Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, what's
the name of the mental hospital

which Ace gets himself admitted in
search the for clues for Snowflake,

a missing mascot of the Miami Dolphins?

I don't know, pass.

In Fun With d*ck and Jane 2,
which position is d*ck promoted

in Globodyne, the company
which is a direct parody of Enron?

- CEO? - Vice president of communication.

For which 1996 film did Jim Carrey

sign a $20,000,000 contract,

which was a record of month
for a comedy actor at the time?

- The Cable Guy. - Correct.

What does Stanley Ipkiss
transform into after

being a matador at the scene
in the Coco Bongo Club

when he's shot at while wearing the mask?

Pass.

The film Simon Birch was adapted
from the first chapter of

which novel by John Irving?

Don't know, pass.

And I'll tell you, it's A Prayer For Owen Meany.



Instead of going "You had 8 passes and 1...",

he should've gone "f*ck off!

You've wasted our time here."

The best bit is when he did
the general knowledge round,

and he actually got them all right,

apart from that one bloody
Jim Carrey question.

So this is the related Jim
Carrey fact for David's team:

I feel sorry for the guy who lives next door.

Who's scrimped and saved
all his life to buy a nice house.

"Oh, I wonder what the neighbours are like?

Oh, it's a Dalmatian!"

You see, those aren't the
words of a psychopath.

You care for the person who
has skimped and saved.

David, your answer?

- I think it's so weird it could
be true. - It could...

but the thing is, that's the
trouble with these film stars.

They could have done
weirder things than that,

but it doesn't mean that's exactly
what someone would make up

as well as this is exactly the
sort of thing he'd do.

- I'm willing to say that he probably did buy a
three bedroom house. - I think he probably did.

- Well, I'm very happy to go with the team
decision. - Will you k*ll us if it's wrong?

- I won't k*ll you. - Oh, no, it's
him, he's the k*ller.

I haven't k*lled anyone for years.

- So you're saying it is true? - True.

OK, and I can tell you it is absolutely true.

Well done.

Yes.

Jim Carrey did buy his dog a three
bedroom house near the set of

his film Me, Myself and Irene.

Though the dog is now looking to sell up,

so he's painting the walls in neutral color,

baking fresh bread and has
stopped sh1tting on the floor.

So at the end of that round, a
quick check on the score shows that

it's David's team who are stepping
on the gas, cruising into Lee to 3-2.

Our next round goes by the
half-baked title of This Is My.

Each of David's team will boast
a special link to tonight's mystery guest,

but only one of them
will be telling the truth.

Can Lee's team tell the
genuine from the fraudulent?

Well, there's one sure way to find out.

Or we can play the game.

So, please welcome this week's
special guest person, Gareth.

So, Trisha, what's Gareth to you?

This is Gareth, and he came on my show

to cure his fear of

scotch eggs.

Yeah, right.

OK, Rich, perhaps you'd like
to explain how you know Gareth?

This is Gareth, and he pimped my ride

and turned my car into
the ultimate fishingmobile.

And finally, David, what's your
relationship with Gareth?

This is Gareth, and he freed me from
a rollercoaster when the car got stuck.

Please let that one be true, please.

So, there you are, Trisha's phobic guest,

a car pimper according to Rich,

or a theme park rescuer if we believe David.

Lee's team, where do you want to start?

Oh, definitely Trisha.

I've seen your show.

You don't have people that have
come up because they are scared...

He might have come up because
he had sex with a scotch egg.

Scared of a scotch egg?

- He had a bad experience.
- And how does this fear manifest itself?

He used to sort of...get panic-y and
scared when he saw a scotch egg.

Surely it's very easy to avoid scotch eggs.

- Well... - It's a tiny section of the supermarket

that you could easily walk round.

"Oh, I need to get some Baileys
for Christmas. Ah! An egg!!"

What if he loves pork pies?

- Yeah, - Name a supermarket where

- the pork pies aren't right
next to the scotch eggs. - Yeah.

And what was your show
called, the particular one?

It was called "Fiance, your fear of
scotch eggs will ruin my wedding buffet".

Oh, right.

That's insensitive...

to deliberately order the
pyramid of scotch eggs,

knowing that your future
husband's terrified of them.

- If I could steer you towards
one of the other... - Oh yeah.

What about the rollercoa...
Which rollercoaster?

It was the Runaway Mine Train.

The what?

The idea was that a historical train
by which mines were accessed

had run away with itself.

and that that would be scary.

- Where was it? - It was Alton Towers.

- Alton Towers? - And so
how did you get stuck?

Well, the train ceased to run away.

It goes through lots of tunnels
and in one of the tunnels,

it suddenly stopped in the dark.

- Right. - And they said over the speaker.

They said "Stay where you are,
we'll be sending someone."

- And it was Gareth. - I'm
honestly struggling with the idea

that you went for a day out at Alton Towers.

Were you presenting a documentary for
BBC 4 about the horror of modern life?

He thought it was National
Trust home, didn't he?

There's absolutely no
muskets on this place here.

- David's not been on the ride and got stuck, has he?
- Oh, David's never been on a ride.

I have.

I was on a stag do.

That's where people like me
have to do things that

they wouldn't otherwise remotely want to do.

- What about Rich's car pimper? - Rich.

Your car was turned into a fishingmobile?

What is the car...What was it...What made...

It's not a car, actually, it's
a small pickup truck.

So how did it turn into a fishingmobile?

Well, basically, there's just two big
all weather bucket seats in the back

that you can sit on it, fish
without bend swivel.

It has a rack for fishing rods, and

the glove box folds out and you
can tie flies in the glove box.

It sounds like you're doing drive-by fishing.

You don't have to get out of your truck.

So he's not doing much pimping, has he?

All he's doing is to get a pickup truck,

stuck some fishing rods and then a bucket!

It's not "pimp my ride", it's
"stick a bucket in my car".

It's what it should be called.

Am I right in saying that the phrase
"pimp my ride" means "modify my car"?

You can either go for the scotch
egg fearing guest on Trisha's show,

Rich's personal car customizer,

or David's rollercoaster savior.

Well, Trisha's thing is just madness.

If David had to go on a stag party,

he'd insist that it all got changed
and they went to Venice.

The only thing that makes me think
David might be telling the truth is that

Gareth has got the look in his eyes
for a man who hasn't, some point he's like

spin the Walser and try to chat
up before general girls.

I don't think it can be scotch egg boy.

Because he wouldn't wanna
come on national television again

to review he was scared of scotch eggs.

So, Lee, please, a decision.

- I don't know why, but I think
it's Trisha telling the truth. - No...

I do, honestly.

- Wow. - What do you think,
Ben? What are you going for?

I think it's David, but...

I think it's Rich.

And I think it's Trisha!

So, simple decision.

I'm gonna go for Trisha.

Lee is saying it's Trisha.

Gareth, perhaps you'd like
to reveal who you really are?

I went on Trisha to cure my fear of scotch eggs.

And he was absolutely brilliant.

So are you cured now, Gareth?

- I am, yeah. - And the wedding is going ahead?

It is, yeah.

- Congratulations and thanks
very much, Gareth. - Thank you.

Many thanks then, to Gareth, so Trisha's show
did cure Gareth of his fear of scotch eggs.

Scotch eggs were created
by a Scottish cardiologist

looking for the perfect high-fat
snack to fit between heart attacks.

While Trisha was working hard
on the scotch egg phobia,

Jeremy Kyle reintroduced a mother
and daughter after 30 years,

solved a m*rder and interviewed Jesus.

So at the end of that round, it's...Well,
both sides are still locked together,

sharing as they do, 3 points.

And so to our final quick fire round,

featuring more insights into
our panelists strange worlds.

This time against the clock.

And remember the panelists
have no idea what's on the card,

a familiar truth or unexpected whopper.

And just to confuse issue even more,
there'll also be a few possessions thrown in,

which our panelists will attempt
to convince you are their own.

Well, neither team is in the lead, so

both need the points, starting now, David.

- Possession. - Yes, if you'd like
to look at the box beneath you.

This is the lock of Steve Davis' hair

which I brought on eBay.

Absolutely true, you can move on now, Angus.

That is so true.

- Right. - Why did you buy it, David?

I'm a fan of snooker and I was a bit drunk.

- So, it's the confluence of
those two influences. - Wow.

Are you a massive fan of Steve Davis, then?

Well, he's very good at snooker.

How many times did he win
the World Championship？



No, he didn't.

Yes, he did.

Don't out-bluff me, neither of us know.

No, I do. He won it 6 times,
Hendry won it 7 times.

Ooh, now that could be true.

Let me have a closer look at it.

Run over then, come on, trot along.

There you are.

He'll nick the piece of hair,
you watch, he'll nick it.

If you really love Steve Davis,
this would really worry you.

Does that worry you, David?

Does that worry you? Does he look worried?

With thing like that, it must be true.

But he did look like panic-y
when I threw that up and down.

So...I would say...What do you think, Ben?

I think it's true.

Let's go for true.

I'm gonna go for...Overrule you, if that's OK.

and say, it's not true, it's a lie.

- OK, they're saying it's a lie.
David, the truth, please? - It is, of course...

a lie.

That's a lie.

Yeah, it's a lie. That's not a lock of
Steve Davis' hair bought on eBay.

"An interesting fact about Steve Davis..."

is an impossible sentence to finish.

Next, Frankie.

I have written and published
a book of love poems.

What's it called, Strangled Puppies?

It's actually untitled.

- Untitled. Yeah, right. Go on, say
one then. - Oh, pretty cool.

Say a poem.

- I have a policy of never recite it. - Come on.

It has to do with...The whole thing
is about the written ones, not the spoken ones.

You'd have to see them, but they are things
only designed in written.

Would you be able to give us

some of the titles of the
individual poems, or is that also...

They are untitled.

- All untitled. - Untitled
collections of untitled poems.

When did you publish it, what year?

The year was untitled as well.



Why?

Why?

Why does anyone write poetry?

Some of us have love that we want to express.

So, Frank, who would your
influencers be as a poet?

Lots of deafened female poets.

- Really? - Yeah.

What would the name of
one of these female poets be?

- An influential one. - Yeah.

And when did she live?

What style of poetry did you use?

- I use an aggressive haiku form. - No.

Nice work.

Now, either that is the
most exceptional double bluff,

or it's a lie he literally didn't have
the energy to go through with.

Alright, Frankie, tell us the truth.

It's in fact...

- lie. - It is a lie.

Well done.

Yes, it's a lie.

Frankie has not written or
published a book of love poems.

He was going to, but when
he came to writing it,

he remembered he hated everything.

Next, Lee.

Possession.

Right, if you'd like to look in your box.

This is the coconut that nearly k*lled me.

Is this believable?

Where were you?

Under a coconut tree, where do you think?

In which country?

The coconut country of...

Coconutia.

I was actually in Thailand.

I was in Thailand on holiday, I stood under the...

I stood under the coconut tree.

And, well.

The coconut fell off the tree.

- Barely missing me. - And you brought it home?

Yeah.

I'm suspicious because you're
not allowed to bring

fruit and vegetables from
foreign countries into...

Well, you've made the classic
mistake, haven't you, Trisha?

Because a fruit isn't a fruit or a vegetable.

It is in fact, a seed.

It almost hit you.

It almost hit...Yeah.

It's like, went "whew", passed my
face, hit my shoulder, bounced off...

Why did you decide to keep it?

Yeah.

'Cause I thought it'd make a nice anecdote.

Clearly, I was wrong.

At the moment of shoulder pain,

the moment when your
shoulder has been bruised,

possibly shattered by the coconut,

you think, "I must keep that for anecdotal reasons."

I don't wanna be rude, but this is a coconut.
It fell off the tree, hit me on the shoulder,

but obviously if it hit me on
the head in the right place,

I might have died.

It's not as interesting a story
as perhaps you'd think.

I might actually listen and
respond "If only it had."

I will throw this coconut
at your head now, right?

- And I will...No, hang on, I will. - No.

- No, that's not part of it. - I will,
David, stop talking then, stop talking!

I will throw this coconut on your
head and hit you on the shoulder...

- really hard, and I guarantee... - No, thanks.

- Yeah, but if they see... - Don't push me, David!

Do not push me!

No one is insured for that to happen.

I think, I don't think it's true,

but I'm willing to be overruled.

I'm doubtful that if it did happen,
it would be the actual coconut.

I don't believe him.

- I think lie. - So, truth or lie?

It is in fact, a lie.

It is a lie.

Yes, it's not a coconut that nearly k*lled Lee.

Every year, worldwide, some


falling coconuts, now if
you times that figure by ten,

that's 30,000 people every year,

which works out to nearly half a
million of people every 12 months.

Spread that out over a year, that's 4.2 billion
people k*lled by coconuts every month.

A frightening statistic.

Next.

Which upsetting alarm means
at the end of the show,

it's David's team who have
exceeded all expectations,

- Having triumphed over Lee's team, 7-5. - Again?

We leave you with the reminder
that according to George Eliot,

"Falsehood is so easy, truth so difficult."

But then again, what right does
a woman who pretended to be a bloke

just to flog a few proxy got to tell us

what's right and what's wrong?

Good night.