Tonight on Would I Lie To You,
[something], Shane Richie.
Joke down in a pack, Vic Reeves.
And their team captain, David Mitchell.
And facing them tonight.
she's double-barreled,
it's Tara Palmer-Tomkinson.
He's double-parked, it's Rhys Thomas.
And their team captain, Lee Mack.
But first, please go insanely joy for your host,
Angus Deayton!
Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie to You,
the show that has all the
honesty of a GMTV phone-in.
These days, we sometimes say that
lying is being economical with the truth,
although 'being generous with the
bullshit' is another way of putting it.
Some have built careers
on being brutally honest,
like Simon Cowell, for example.
So likely signs of someone's telling the truth would be
if they pull their trousers up to their man-breasts
and have their hair [something] like a counsel.
Which brings up to our first round, Home Truth,
in which one of our panelists reads out a statement about themselves
and the other team applies these sort of
dubious decision-making skills that's
let them to appearing on this show,
to establish if it's true or not.
Remember, as they turn over the card,
the panelists have idea whether they'll be
confronted with a familiar home truth
or a brand new lie,
as Shane will now prove.
- Oh, OK. - Shock us all.
Here we go.
I missed a visit from George Michael
because I was eating at a Harvester.
Right, truth or lie, Lee's team?
Can you slightly expand on that story?
What it was...It was about three years ago.
And I think it was...I think George Michael was
gonna be paying a visit to Albert Square.
I wasn't there 'cause I was having an
unlimited salad and a free bread roll.
Not to be confused with Toby Cavery,
you don't get unlimited salad there.
And I missed his visit.
I honestly thought Toby Cavery was one of the
actors in Eastenders, am I getting confused?
- We had a Todd Carty. - Oh, that's it, Todd...
What was he visiting for?
To be honest, I think he was
celebrating his 40th birthday.
- What, by visiting Albert Square?
- By going to Albert Square?
No, he was a big fan of the show.
And he was hoping to come and meet Kat and Alfie.
And Jessie was there, who played Kat.
And I wasn't there that night.
Did he definitely visit Albert Square
- or was he just like, driving around off his face,
parked the car, fell asleep? - Exactly.
Confused it with Hampstead.
He might have been off his face
when he made the appointment.
And then decided to honor it.
Lee, I'm gonna have to push you for an answer.
I think he's telling the truth.
I can see George Michael getting a new big
fat [something], go to Albert Square,
him going to harvester.
And off we go.
I'm actually surprised you've heard
of harvester, Tara, to be honest.
I'm just pretending I knew what it is.
But you are the team captain, Lee.
- So what's your decision?
- I think that could be true, actually.
'Cause Shane's like, in a nice possible way,
you look like the kind of bloke
that would eat at harvester.
I mean that in a nice way!
I would, you would, David wouldn't.
- Would he? - I have been to harvester and eaten!
You went as an experiment.
You didn't go for lunch. You sort of
went...It'd be going to the zoo for you.
No, I had lunch there.
- OK. - Right. - You know,
sorry if that doesn't conform to
your views of me as some kind of
scientist duke b*stard.
- OK, I think...What do you think,
Rhys? - I think it's true, actually.
- They're all saying true. - Yeah, we all
think that's true, we'll go for true.
OK, they're saying true. Shane,
put us out of our misery.
- It is, in fact, true. - Yay!
Well done.
And congratulations, it is true.
Shane did miss a visit from George Michael,
because he was eating at harvester.
Last year, George Michael was found off his
face on drugs slumped in a car at Hyde Park,
becomes something when exposing
yourself in a public toilet was the good old days.
So our next revelation, Rhys.
My bed used to belong to John Nettles.
From Bergerac.
- From Ber...That John Nettles.
- And from Midsomer Murders.
Where did you get the bed?
- John Nettles. - From...John Nettles. - I know.
Did he just come round to your house
and say "Listen, I don't know you, but..."
For fun, I got lots of famous
detectives' items from eBay.
- So I got John Nettles' bed. - Yeah.
I got Morse's foot-spa.
- And...Didn't get it. No, I didn't get
it. - Taggart's death certificate.
I know this is a lie
because only yesterday I was on eBay
looking for Poirot's tumble dryer,
- and I couldn't find any one...
- That's cause I've bought it!
- Any detective's stuff anywhere.
- I've got them, it's cause I've got them.
- Do you sleep in it? - In John Nettles' bed?
Yeah, I think this one dated from about 1987,
when Bergerac...when he was in Jersey.
- Imagine that. - Right.
So it's just...
It's a prop bed. So it's not John Nettles' bed.
- It's Bergerac's bed. - Oh, no. It's Bergerac's bed.
- It's slightly wrong. - There is a distinction.
- I...When I went out... - Nettles has never
spent a night on it. - He's getting out of it now.
Right. David, I'm gonna have
to push you for an answer.
- It's a lie. - It's a lie.
They're saying it's a lie.
Rhys. It is a lie.
Yes, it's a lie.
Rhys' bed did not once belonged
to Bergerac star John Nettles.
Although his bed has lots
in common with Bergerac,
it's wooden, it sags in the middle,
and no sooner if you got into
it then you start to drop off.
And our next revelation. Vic,
reveal all, if you would.
Oh, yes, of course I can.
I have patented a device that
stops cats jumping on your lap.
What kind of device?
It's a...Well, what it is...
It's a spring which you attach to your
John [something] with a platform on it,
if cats jump on it, then just immediately spring off.
So, for instance, if you're watching
TV, listening to the radio,
and you don't want a cat on your
lap, which is quite often the case.
The platform springs it straight off.
How do you patent something?
If I want to go about, patenting
something I've made.
- Yeah. - You write...You send a
letter in blood to the Queen.
- So what did you call her? - When
it gets here, there's a stamp,
"Sent back by the winged messenger",
you know you're patented.
- What's the name of the product? - Yeah.
It hasn't actually got a name, to be honest.
- Is the name pending?
- Well then how can you patent it?
You don't need to. You just say "the
thing that throws cats off your lap".
And when the Queen heard
about it, she was on it like a shot.
- That's the deal for me.
- On the device or on the...?
Does it come in a box?
Well, actually it hasn't been, to be honest,
- It hasn't actually...I sent it off, it
hasn't been patented. - It's not out yet.
- Oh, so the bit you said where you
said you're patented... - Patented, yes, but...
- Pat-pending. - Oh, it's pending.
- OK. - I've got a lot of things in
a pending pat. Eel tube, for instance.
What's an eel tube?
Well, an eel tube is...Basically,
it's a cardboard tube like that,
you can...So you put the eel down one end,
and the amazing thing is,
it comes out the other end.
Brilliant. And that's the brilliant part.
Is that pat-pending?
Pat hasn't replied yet.
- OK, what are you veering toward?
- What do you think, Tara?
I think just say whatever you say.
OK. Take all your clothes off.
Well, I think it's a lie.
- It's a lie. What do you
think, Rhys? - Terrible lie.
They're saying not just a lie, but it's a terrible lie.
- Yes. - Tell us immediately.
It's a lie.
It is a terrible lie.
Vic has never patented a device
that stops cat jumping on your lap.
In fact, there already is patented device
to stop cats jumping on your lap,
it's called a dog.
And so with all the
serenity of a beached whale,
we move on to round 2, the Ring of Truth,
in which I liberally throw out
top-draw celebrity trivia for
the panelists to declare if the
fact has the whiff of truth
or the grim odor of falsehood.
Lee's team, some Blue Peter action for you.
Think of rabbit, and most people think of carrots.
Think of carrots, and most people think of food.
Until now, because for one group of children from West Hamsted in London,
the common carrot,
not to mention the plain old
parsnip, has found a new use
and what a turnip for the books it is!
Good to know.
Yes. A hard look-back to the great
recorder shortage of 1996.
To the days when we made our own
entertainment. And it was shite.
Incidentally, any viewer wondering
about the name of that vegetable,
it was Katy Hill.
So unfair. She's delightful.
So here's the fascinating fact
then, for Lee and Co.
Or has he?
So are we trying to say if it's true or not?
Well done.
Well done, we're half way
through. You've got the rules.
What are his [something] of
vegetables that he used?
The Xylophone...
- That's not a vegetable. It's an instrument.
- That's not a vegetable. It's an instrument.
Caught you out.
The xylophone was made out
of root vegetable, for example,
carrots and parsnips.
Are you trying to convince us that
if you hit a carrot or a part of,
it sounds like a xylophone?
There are wood xylophones.
- But it is the kind of thing Sting would do.
- Yeah, but woods are hard, very solid thing.
I mean, the carrots are a bit
more...Got a bit more give in it.
Oh, you love a bit of carrot.
I could believe that if you stick a thing in
the end and blow carrot, it'll make a tune.
But I can't believe you can make a
xylophone out of root vegetables.
Yes, but I can completely believe that
someone such as Sting would
go and do something so earthy like that.
That's exactly why Sting...
Any reference to Sting
is fundamentally unfair in a game like this.
always think, yeah...
- You can believe anything of Sting. - Exactly.
Sting would...is the kind of
person we had Stalin for.
Who also incidentally, made up his own name.
So I just sort of feel...I don't think
we need to engage with Sting.
You know, we should say, "No,
no. No more Sting questions."
Cause it's impossible to judge.
- Lee, what is your considered opinion? - False, false,
false. - Rhys, do you think it's false or truth?
- You think it's false? - Really?
- Yes, really. - I do think it's kind of true.
One true, one false.
- Which way are you gonna go?
- OK, I'm gonna say that's true.
You're saying it's true and it is indeed, a lie.
Yes, it's a lie. Sting has never recorded an
album using only vegetables, but
he has released an album that he claims has
songs over from the 16th century.
At least include the Standest Not So Close to Me and Message in a Flagon.
So to David's team,
who have this to ponder.
Is this gospel or garbage?
Well, I imagine hypnotizing chickens is quite easy,
as hypnotizing animals goes.
'Cause the chicken's quite stupid,
you'll probably get them transfixed on
some dangly, shiny bit of metal quite easily.
And who's to say whether they're
really hypnotized, actually?
They look quite vacant, even when they're
you know, totally...I mean, in a way,
how much can you say that
a chicken is ever in full
possession of its faculties?
- Rare. - At what point
would Al Gore, who, on one point,
was on the verge of becoming a world leader,
would sit down and go "Ay,
honey, guess what I can do?
"I can hypnotize chickens."
What...How'd you find that out?
Well, it'd be at a bit of funfair on the weekend.
You can hypnotize chickens. I've done it,
and I've hypnotized cattle as well.
With chalk.
- With chalk? - Draw a line in front of them,
Draw a line down, they follow it and they
get mesmerized. And their eyes follow it.
And they don't know where to go,
so they stay there, looking at it.
- What... - Is that hypnotizing or
confusing the f*ck out of them?
Yes, of course it is.
He comes from a place where people,
you know, spend their lives
hypnotizing chickens.
David, which way are you tending?
I think it's true.
You don't think it's true?
Well, I think we'll go with true.
They are saying it's true,
and I can tell you that
it is, absolutely true.
Yes. Al Gore can hypnotize chickens.
Al swings a watch back and forth in front of the chickens
and in a slow voice repeat
"You're in a field in countryside."
"Not a tiny box in a factory
with your legs broken."
And when Al Gore lost the
some said it was because voters wanted
a stronger right-wing presence,
some said it was because the
ballot in Florida was fixed,
whereas others said they couldn't vote for a man
who's spent his time
f*cking around with chickens.
So at the end of all that, it's David's
team who are standing proud,
boasting as they do, 4 points.
And so to our next round, This Is My,
which, like Paris Hilton's jail
time, is barely a sentence.
Each of David's team will claim that they are
somehow linked to tonight's mystery guest.
But only one of them will be telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guest person, Richard.
So, Shane, what's Richard to you?
Richard's my...He's my cousin and
he lives down in Cornwall, and this is the
first time he's been out of Cornwall.
Vic, perhaps you'd like to tell
us how you know Richard?
Richard's my butcher and I'm his official sausage taster.
Thank you, And finally David,
- your relationship with Richard? - This is Richard,
and he is illustrating my forthcoming
children's book The Lonely Lighthouse.
So there you are,
Cornish cousin if we believe Shane,
butcher to the stars according to Vic,
or a children's illustrator of David's book.
OK, what part of Cornwall you're from?
Can't ask him. He can't talk.
- Oh, OK. - I mean, it's the rule of the
game. Not because he's from Cornwall.
You can ask it to Shane.
Shane, what part of Cornwall
is your friend from, cousin?
He's my cousin. Down near Penzance.
A little place called [something] Grove.
- And he's your cousin? - Yeah.
Called Richard? He's called Richard Richie?
No, my real name's not Richie.
What's your real name?
I'm not telling you.
It's all in the book. Still
available, Rags to Richie.
Presumably, from the title, yeah, it must be Rags.
It's a story...It's a fantastic story of
changing your name by depo.
It's Meegan, It's Richard Meegan.
- That's rubbish. - OK.
If he's your cousin from Penzance,
what does he do in Cornwall?
He [something].I don't know if he's still
doing... He used to have a garage down there.
And used to look after cars. But
I don't know if he does it anymore,
I haven't been down there for a while.
This book, David.
Could you just tell us a little bit
about The Lonely Lighthouse?
Well, yes, I could.
Is it autobiographical?
Bloody hell, that's...
- That's a low-blow. Yes, it's a... - I just...
It's about a desolate building standing
alone that is finally demolished.
- I've had the lonely [something].
- David, David, very bright.
- Sorry? - There is a positive.
You're very bright,
- but very lonely. So it's quite right. - Yes.
Shining my light pointlessly into the darkness.
The only way that I get any human company is
if I turn the light off and people
crush onto the rocks below me.
[Something] the chat-up lines from David.
It's not that. It's a character
in the sketch show I do
called Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.
And we've been commissioned to write a series
of a kind of illustrated storybook.
- What's he doing in the lighthouse?
- And the first [something],
it's gonna be called The Lonely Lighthouse.
And he's the illustrator to your book?
- How many chapters are there in your
book? - I haven't written it yet.
Right, how does it end?
As I said, I haven't written it yet.
- How does it begin? - He hasn't written it yet.
If you haven't written it, he
clearly hasn't illustrated it.
- Yes! - Exactly.
- You're out. - The drawings come first,
and then you'll make up the story.
He's going to be illu...
- All these things get arranged
in advance. - No, no.
I want to move back to the sausages.
- The butcher one. - Yes, Vic.
Could you tell us more about the sausages?
Yes, this is Richard. And I'm his
official sausage taster.
He makes the sausages and I test them out.
He, you know, in the depth of dark and the darkness of the night,
he hangs a bag of sausages on my doorknob
- and I... - Is this extracts from
The Lonely Lighthouse?
Where's his butcher's?
- In my village, where I live.
- Where's that? - Which is where?
- I wanna know. - Charing, in Kent.
- OK. - And he's the local..
Anyway, I taste the sausages.
It's a very official position to hold.
It was, before, held by the woman on the hill,
who died of melancholy.
- What's your favorite? - He does
a good beef and horseradish.
But we're gonna make zebra
sausages, and alligator, snake sausages.
- Eel? - The zebra one's
will be black and white.
One sausage black, one sausage white.
It's like a Paul McCartney song, it's beautiful.
So is this person Shane's Cornish cousin,
Vic's sausage provider,
or David's literary illustrator?
Well, I think Vic is talking out of his backside.
- No, I don't... - Well, I think that...
It might have just been me, call me old-fashioned.
- But zebra sausage, I mean.
I got suspicious. - No, I....
- I don't know what it was. - I would go
with the Cornwall one, personally.
- OK, so you're veering toward...?
- I 'm veering towards David.
- Because he did the...Yes. - The lighthouse.
- Because I... - He hasn't even written the book!
Well, I believe David would read...write a
book about lonely lighthouse.
- What do you... - I think it's
definitely Shane Richie's cousin.
I do, too.
- OK, Lee, you're gonna have to either
overrule or go with. - Well, I think it's David,
but they've overruled me,
so I'll say it's Shane's cousin.
OK, you're saying it's Shane's cousin,
Richard, perhaps you'd like to
tell us who you really are?
- I'm Vic's butcher. - I KNEW!!!
Yes, indeed.
Yes, he is Vic's butcher.
Richard, sorry, sorry.
- Do you do separate sausages? - We've
spoken about it for last year,
- haven't we, Richard? - We have.
You have to bear in mind that Vic
does lead a very, very strange life.
Thank you very much for
joining us, Richard, well done.
Yes, Vic and Richard together make
the best sausages in Kent.
One of Vic's duty is to trim off the nasty gristle,
veins and cartilage and ensure that
they all go into the sausages.
Many people get on well with their sausage tasters.
Elton Elton John married his.
At the end of that...
- At the end of that round, a quick check
on the score - Oh, that's funny.
shows Lee's team has started to
look distinctively inadequate,
behind as they are, 5-2.
And so to the round you've all
been waiting for, the last one.
In this quickfire game, both teams have
more revelations or rubbish to divulge
from the as yet unseen
cards in front of them.
Plus, some of our panelists might
be asked about an object
which they will claim is a personal possession.
The other side must then
declare the veracity of that claim,
and also say whether it's true or not.
David's team are what's known
in the business as winning,
so Lee's team need all the points
they can get, starting now, David.
Possession.
- Ooh. - Yes.
Right, OK. This box contains the only
gift I've ever been sent by a fan.
- What is it? - What is it?
It's some socks.
It's some socks with various slogans.
What are the slogans?
The slogans are fast cars, birds, footie,
which I believe is short for football,
}- I'm not sure someone... - beers and curries.
- So...As you can tell, - Boy, did they choose
- sent by somebody who knows me very, very
well. - the wrong person to send them to.
That's my whole thing.
Did you get a letter with it?
- Yes. - What did it say?
"Die."
- It was just a nice "I like your work"
letter. - Man or woman?
- Woman. - Did you write back to her and thank her?
I didn't, no.
- You didn't? - God, you're so ungrateful.
- Why? Would you write
back to a fan? - Yeah.
- I answered all mine. - Why would you...
- Do you? - Do you?
Well, somebody does.
- Why did you never wear these? - Yeah.
- Um...Because they've got fastcars, birds,
footie, beers and curries on them. - Yes, but really...
- Surely...But surely the... - And I favor
socks which have nothing written on them.
- The irony could have been fabulous.
- When did you get them?
Think about it. Two years ago?
But you do...You'll end up using...I don't care who
you are, you'll always need a pair of socks.
Two years on, you do need them.
Do you know what, actually,
all my socks seem to have sinisterly
worn out at the same time?
All of them. And I haven't got any socks left.
- Well... - There you go!
- Help yourself. - That's definitely a lie.
You can have birds and footie.
- I'll buy them all. - I want curries.
- Actually, I do actually like curries.
- Cause you genuinely like curries?
So what do you think, Lee?
- It's a lie, isn't it?
- I think it's definitely a lie.
OK, lie, lie.
OK, they all say it's a lie.
- David? - It is in fact, true.
Yes, it's true.
Those socks are the the only gift
David has ever been sent by a fan.
When women threw knickers at Tom Jones,
he'd wipe the sweat from his
chest and throw them back.
David, however, booked a
walking holiday in the Cotswolds.
Next, Tara.
What?
- OK, OK. - Yeah, are you there?
- Yeah. Sorry about that. - Good.
And cue Tara.
I have been shopping in Sainsbury's
wearing nothing but a trench coat.
- I think that's true. - Yeah.
- You just wanted to do it. - You see the long
pause after she said it when we all went...
Why did you do this thing?
Because it was just like a joke that
my friend...It was just a silly girl thing.
- we just decided to do about ten years
ago. - Did you have any shoes on?
Yeah. I mean, I had a trench coat on,
it's not completely offensive.
I wasn't going out like Jodie Marsh.
Is that rude? I mean, quite frankly, I go
down to local place in my pajamas
and just buy some things. I can't really see the big deal.
You go to the shop in your pajamas?
- Yeah! - Don't say it like it's normal!
I did it, actually, today.
- I've got a coat on over my nightie
and go down the shop. - Have you?
It's getting worse. You wear a nightie?
I do, actually, yeah.
- This is all fascinating.
- We thinks this is true.
- David, do you believe... - Yeah, it's true, yeah.
It's true.
Obviously. Next, Lee.
I once had a full body search at Miami Airport
after making a joke about Ronald Reagan.
Firstly, what was the joke?
Well, I think 'joke' is an exaggeration.
It was more of a comment.
- What did you say? - What did you...yeah.
I said I think he's a bit of a warmonger.
And instead of searching me, you
should search your own country
for more nuclear weapons
than Reagan's admitting to.
Now, I'd like to point out that I was
very drunk after a long flight.
And thought that would
arouse at least a tickly smile
- Hang on. - from the big-butch-mustached,
robber-gloved lunatic that
stood afore me, but no.
How long's the flight?
- Sorry? - How long's the flight?
Oh, now, you're talking to a man
who's had two bottles of scotch.
- I would say...We stopped actually,
halfway. - Two miniature...
- Halfway? - In the sea.
- Mountain top. - Which is where?
Halfway, at the Ascension Island. Because...
I actually stopped...When I said halfway,
I was on a round-the-world trip.
So where were you flying from?
I was flying from Moscow to Miami.
I stopped half...I stopped...
This is true! I stopped halfway in London,
I'm just saying roughly halfway. After
about 4 or 5 hours, it stopped in London.
- I was doing a short around-the-world
trip for about... - Short?!
Short trip round the world?!
Only an interplanetary traveler.
It's all relative, if you go from Moscow to Miami,
and you're going round the world,
- but you went Moscow, London, London,
Miami. - relatively, it's a short trip.
It's shorter than going round the world.
- That's the whole trip. - It's part of
going round the world. - It is.
- It is. - Not many people around the world trip will
go "Yeah, literally. I went London to London."
I've never gone out.
I just went round the world.
Sat there watching movies.
I went from Moscow to London,
- and then London, Miami. - We refueled,
and then I went from London to Miami.
At which point, I drank lots of
scotch, got off my face,
got off the plane at Miami,
and a big-butch-mustachio American
stuck his fingers up my rectum.
Now, which part of that story
does it sound convincing?
Lie, lie, lie.
- Lie. - Liar! - Right, they're saying lie.
- Flog him! - Lee, tell us.
It's a lie.
Yes.
Can I just say, to the makers of this program,
how the hell...I have to make
a joke about Ronald Reagan.
I'm supposed to write it on the spot, am I?
It was a great gag, though, wasn't it?
What a brilliant k*ller that was!
Ronald Reagan's got more nuclear
weapons than he leads on to.
Thank you, I'll meet you on
weekend. Enjoy the chicken!
It is a lie. It was a lie.
Lee did not get a full body search at
Customs after mocking Ronald Reagan.
He got it after requesting one
when booking the ticket.
Next. Shane.
Female admirers used to send me timetables
showing when their husbands would be out.
Did you ever pay them a visit?
Funny enough, some of them, yes.
And when was this?
This was when I was in the early 90s when I
was doing a soap powder campaign.
Ah, the Doorstep Challenge.
And what happened...I turned up at a hotel
and word would go around if I was in that particular hotel.
Someone would slip a note under the door and it said "Listen.
"My husband won't be in this particular time,
and I'd love to see you on your own."
So that's not really a sexual thing.
You just want some free powder.
- What do you think, Rhys? - It's a lie.
'Cause I've read Rags to Richie.
in it. And I...That wasn't in the book.
- You've not read the book. - I have, 7 times.
- Have you? - Oh, shut up.
it's the only book I've read.
That and The Hungry Caterpillar.
And there are more holes in your book.
It's a good point, OK, we're
gonna say it's a true story.
- No, no, no, we're not. - It's all on you, it's a lie.
- We're gonna say, that's a lie.
- They're saying it's a lie.
- OK, it's in fact, true. - Shane?
It's true.
Shane did receive timetables
from admirers telling him
when their husbands would be out.
It worked like clockwork.
Which nasty buzzing noise means
at the end of the show,
it's David's team who have proven
themselves to be better people.
Having annihilating Lee's team 10-3.
And we leave you with the
results of a recent survey,
which shows that journalists are the
profession that tells most lies.
This teaches us two things.
Firstly, not to believe everything
you read on the paper.
And secondly, that estate agents
must have even lied on that survey.
Good night.
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