01x02 - You Can't Be Hot And Smart

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

RED:
White's dead body!

[screaming]

CYAN:
My goodness!

[Green whimpering]

[all clamoring]

[Red screaming]

CYAN: This was not
in my tarot reading for today.

BLACK:
Kind of metal, though.

[Lime grunts]

LIME:
Ow!

ORANGE:
Ah.

Whoa!

- [Green retching]
- [Red screaming]

[all clamoring]

BLACK: What are you
gonna do about this?

RED:
Uh, me?

[stammers] Why me?

BLACK:
You're the captain.

RED:
Oh, uh, yeah. Of course.

I'm the captain.

- We should call MIRA.
- The comms are down.

Remember the serious
but kind of sexy robot voice?

RED:
Oh, uh...

Non-emergency meeting.
[chuckles]

Non-emergency meeting.

- [Red clears his throat]
- [indistinct chatter]

RED:
This is your captain speaking.

There is no need for alarm.

[blood sloshing]

- [Red shrieks]
- BLACK: Where's Blue?

- BROWN: Yeah, where's Blue?
- YELLOW: We love Blue.

LIME: I trust Blue
more than any of ya,

- but trust is a construct.
- If only there was

someone smart and capable
with impeccable bone structure

who could take charge.

[Blue groans]

BLUE:
I'm here.

LIME:
Yeah.

- Great. What else?
- Yeah.

BLUE:
Oh, God.

It never gets any easier.

RED: Well, technically,
it should be easier

'cause you're only lifting
half the weight.

[indistinct,
overlapping chatter]

RED:
Now, hold on there.

We can't have just everyone
hanging around MedBay.

If you're gonna hang around,
you should, uh,

hang around the cafeteria.

At least until we sort this out.

Until I sort this out.
I'm the captain.

BLUE:
The dead have stories to tell,

but they have to give everything
up to finally be heard.

[rhythmic beeping]

ORANGE: It's a
standard liability waiver.

They were definitely going to
sign it after the pizza party.

Probably. Don't worry about it.

RED: This is just a
normal accident, right?

Hey, this kind of thing happens
all the time.

Folks splitting mysteriously
in twain?

BLUE:
No, mysterious twain-splitting

is actually quite rare.

I'll have to run some intensive
tests to find out what happened.

GREEN: I thought leaving the
worm farm would get me away

from horrible
equipment manglings.

YELLOW: That was no
equipment mangling, if you ask me.

I've seen all kinds
of workplace injuries,

and that was something else.

Definitely something else.

LIME:
I hear ya, big dog.

Rumor has it White took
the steering wheel from Green.

It's Green's lifelong dream.
Just couldn't handle it.

They snapped! It drove 'em
into crazy bloodlust.

- CYAN: Hmm. I never considered that.
- YELLOW: Sure...

I don't have lust for anything,
least of all blood.

CYAN: Where did you
hear this provocative rumor?

YELLOW: Well, I started
it. I just thought it'd be funny.

And it is.

LIME: I still think
it's probably true.

[rhythmic beeping]

♪ ♪

[whirring]

[beeping]

BLUE:
I see.

RED:
So, um, is White dead?

BLUE:
Yes. White is very dead.

- RED: Oh, no.
- ORANGE: Fun reminder.

Death is a preexisting condition

not covered
by MIRA health insurance.

BLUE: I'm worried about
something bigger than death.

RED:
Demotion?

BLUE:
In this case, I'm referring

to a pink organic residue

found on the two halves
of White's body.

RED:
Mm, yes.

I believe that's called...
bluud.

BLUE: Yes, that could
explain it, but that's not exactly

- what I'm talking about right now, sport.
- [Red laughs]

I think we need to scan
all of the crewmates

to see
if we can find the origin.

Maybe it was something
White brought on board,

but if it was something
they picked up on the ship,

then the crew might be
in danger.

♪ ♪

ORANGE: That sounds like
it could cause a lot of panic.

RED: How would that
reflect on my leadership?

- ORANGE: Poorly.
- RED: Well, I don't like that.

BLUE: The alternative is we
do nothing, which could mean

that more crewmates suffer
horrible and graphic deaths.

RED:
Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. No, no, no.

Uh, hmm. Hmm.

No, no, I'll take care of this.

Hello, everyone.
This is your captain speaking.

I, with minimal help from Blue,

have finished my initial study
of the situation

and determined
everything is completely fine.

White passed away peacefully

from a mysterious
industrial accident.

- CYAN: Bless the stars.
- GREEN: It's good to know.

LIME [whispering]: That's
what they want you to think.

RED: But you all must report
to MedBay for mandatory

and possibly invasive
body scans.

- BLACK: What? Oh.
- [overlapping chatter]

CYAN:
That doesn't sound very natural.

RED: Well, I just got
mine, and I feel totally great.

[laughs, groans]

So, th-that's all you're going
to tell us about White?

RED:
Who?

RED:
Oh, uh, uh, n-no, no, no.

Uh, privacy laws,
bureaucracy, something,

something, something,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

LIME: No way in hell I'm
gonna be scanned, documented,

and registered
in my government name.

If you want to have photons
blasted into your bone

until you pick up radio waves,
be my guest,

but I'm keeping this body
a temple.

[Red groans]

YELLOW:
Still don't like it,

but Brown and I already made
the deductible

on our union insurance, so go
hog wild with the tests, baby!

BROWN:
Union.

RED:
[groans] Union.

- GREEN: Who's in your union?
- YELLOW: Just me and Brown.

GREEN:
[gasps] You're married?

RED:
No. No one's married here.

No one is ever getting married.

All of you lonely,
unmarried crewmates,

get back to your tasks.

Speaking of lonely,

where's Purple?

PURPLE:
Uh, okay, okay...

[gasps]

- RED: Hey! Working hard or hardly working?
- [gasps]

[Red chuckles] - I can't
find any footage of White.

Like I told you earlier,
these cameras don't record.

They're only in black and white.

They're completely useless.

YELLOW:
Yo, Purple, you're up next!

- Scan time!
- [Brown clicks tongue]

- PURPLE: Scan?
- RED: A possibly invasive body scan.

- [chuckles softly]
- PURPLE: Uh, fine.

I'll just drop
everything I'm doing.

Since nobody else here cares
about the safety of the crew,

why should I?

BLUE: I won't know
what I'm dealing with

until I can develop and compare
everyone's scans.

Is it disease?

A new bacteria?

An unknown mutation?

Until I know that every crewmate
on this ship is safe,

I won't sleep a wink.

PURPLE:
Swoon!

GREEN:
Is-is this okay?

I can stand stiller.
[chuckles softly]

I can stand really still.

BLUE:
You're doing just fine.

GREEN:
Thanks.

I'm just nervous.

To be honest, sometimes it feels
like I shouldn't even be here.

BLUE:
Where else would you be?

GREEN:
Back at home. Farming?

I mean, how am I supposed to go
from assistant worm herder

to unpaid spaceship intern
to paid heroic captain?

BLUE:
We all take different paths.

My first doctorate was in
the history of elegiac poetry.

Once I understood
the beauty of life,

I decided to pursue medicine
so I could also save it.

Trust your heart.

It will never steer you wrong.

GREEN:
Swoon.

CYAN:
Oh, no. Some ore got cracked.

We'll have to contain
the energy.

Uh, I'll need salt
to make a circle,

and I think
my crystal kit has some...

BLACK:
Wrong kind of energy.

It's just fuel.

- [ore clacking]
- What are you doing here?

ORANGE:
Just here to check on our crew,

the most valuable resource
we have!

Well, after the Ore-Plus.

And the raw materials
of the ship.

And this clipboard.

So-so I just want to make sure

you two are
emotionally taken care of.

So you can physically take care
of the product.

Huh?

GREEN: I'm sorry. I'm looking,
but I can't find Lime anywhere.

Black,
can you get scanned instead

so I don't get yelled at?

[Black sighs]

BLACK:
Wow, your equipment is so new.

All MIRA gave me is a crappy
microscope I have no use for.

BLUE: I find that many of
the sciences are underfunded.

Everyone wants to give money

to some abstract concept
of "innovation,"

but they rarely want
to put in the work and financing

towards a better understanding
of our world.

BLACK [whispers]:
Swoon.

[beeping]

CYAN: I hope your scanner
can see through my aura.

It's pretty dark today.

I'm sure you don't believe
in all that. [Chuckles]

BLUE:
Quite the contrary.

While my job
is to heal the physical,

I think it's just as important
to heal the soul.

Healing travels
across many planes.

CYAN:
Swoon.

ORANGE: I hate to be a stickler,
but have you taken care of...

The 422 pages of paperwork
I've already notarized?

[Orange shuddering]

- CYAN: What a dreamboat.
- ORANGE: Um, what a dreamboat.

CYAN and ORANGE:
Swoon...!

- BLUE: Now for Lime.
- [cracking]

I hate to compromise my ethics
by fooling a patient, but...

And now it's time to look
a gremlin right in the eye!

LIME: Don't do it!
You'll fall in love!

BLUE:
You scared it away.

Thank you for saving me.

LIME: You're welcome.
Love and peace, big dog.

BLUE: While I have you here,
would you mind taking your scan?

LIME: You can't scan
me! I know my rights!

That machine will steal my DNA,
sell it to marauders

and they'll use it
as a map to my organs!

BLUE:
Now, I'll be the first to admit

that the medical community
has a lot to apologize for.

I'm sorry, Lime.

[Lime grumbles]

BLUE: Lime, I know you
have your personal beliefs,

but this is bigger
than you or me.

I really need a scan
of every crewmate.

I know it's hard
to open your heart to trust

in this crazy, mixed-up world.

Just this once...

can you trust me?

LIME:
Fine! Swoon, swoon, swoon!

But I'm watching you shred
my scans when you're finished.

BLUE:
We'll do it...

together.

♪ ♪

BLUE:
Hour 26.

I normally advocate for
a healthy work-and-life balance

for my patients,
but extraordinary circumstances

require
extraordinary sacrifices.

Hmm. There's something
I must be missing.

Crewmates don't just
mysteriously split in twain.

And with
that pink organic residue,

I have a hard time
believing it to be

a normal workplace accident.

I just need...

[printer whirring, beeping]

Okay. Okay.

This is normal. This is...

Wait.

What's this?

PURPLE:
Uh...

[groans, mutters]

[grunts]

BLUE: "And, lo, the
knowledge of thy sin be found,

the curse of blessing
leaves the loss profound."

[gasps]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Keybot, Keybot, Keybot. Keybot.

Chirp.