03x04 - Christopher's Choice

[bunniefuu]

SIRENS,
POLICE RADIO CHATTER

This is an injustice.
Free the Scouse Four.

I've never been arrested before.

What an incredible experience.
Do I tip at the end, or...?

HE PANTS I'm claustrophobic.

Have you just slapped my arse? Hey?

Seriously, though,
I didn't do anything.

Was the knee in the back a Liverpool
thing or just a personal touch?

Fine, I've cracked.

Connor's got loads of cocaine
up his arse.

You need to go full cavity, lads.
Full cavity.

Reece, that's not funny, lad.
What are you do...?

POLICE OFFICER: We've caught you
right there, lad.

You're the only one
that saw what happened.

So, come on, who did it?

ALL: ♪ We're in your head

♪ We're in your head

♪ Bizzie, bizzie
Bizzie, zie, zie. ♪

And thus the Jaffa cake,
while technically not a biscuit,

betters the biscuit tin,
which is why immigration is good.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Allowing users like Catherine

to hide behind the anonymity
of their online profiles.

That's not how you spell definitely.

Go and beat yourself to death
with a dictionary,

you thick as pig sh*t
illiterate f*ck.

And be an absolute twat
on social media.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

VIOLINS PLAY

What the hell are we gonna do?

Don't worry, lad. I've got this.

♪ You can shove your violins
Up your arse

♪ They don't speak to us
Just the middle class

♪ They pull a stupid face
Spend years having lessons

♪ And knocking out these bangers
In ten seconds

ALL: ♪ You can shove your violins
Up your arse

♪ They don't speak to us
Just the middle class

♪ They pull a stupid face

♪ Spend years having lessons

♪ And knocking out these bangers
In ten seconds. ♪

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So... thanks to Reece
and Christopher,

this Friday, Allsbrooke will be
both hosting and competing

in the grand final of the UK
National Debating Championships.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I can now announce your opponents...

and they are...

CROWD CHEERS

Roderick White and Nathan Williams
of Queenswood House, Surrey.

I'd like to tell you a little story.

Twenty years ago...

What's wrong
with your fat Lando Norris head?

Queenswood House is my old school.

So you know them lads?
Yeah, they're my mates.

So, what's the problem?
Nothing, it's just...

You lot meeting them,
it's a bit weird, isn't it?

You're weird, lad.

Which is why I would encourage you

to give them a big
Allsbrooke welcome when they arrive.

Thank you, sir.

Now onto to the main announcement.
That was the main announcement.

Sir...
EXCLAMATIONS.

PUPIL: He's getting close there.

PUPIL 2: Is he gonna kiss him?
I respect you.

O-O-OK.

OK. Thank you.

I know how you all see me.

Lewis the psycho.

PUPIL 3: Spot on, lad.

Lewis the bully.
PUPIL 4: Yeah, lad.

Lewis the w*nk*r.
PUPIL 5: Best at the game.

LAUGHTER PUPIL 6: He is, like.

But today is the day
that all changes.

Today... I become a new man.

Today, I launch...

PUPIL 7: Are you messing?

And guiding me through these


An inspiration.

A successfully recovered
tugger and scrapper

who just last week convinced me
to join him

on this beautiful path
that is recovery.

Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Toby!

ALL: Who?

Thank you, thank you.

PUPIL 8: Who's Toby?
Hang on!

That's the lad who kicked my head in
in that house party.

And made me watch.

The first step on my path
towards recovery...

is to apologise
to all those I've wronged.

Well said.

'All right, Lewis,
tell us what you see.'

What? Wrong video.

Lad, what's that?

't*ts.'
LAUGHTER.

Lad, this part of recovery
is not for public consumption.

Turn it off!
It's not letting me.

'Tell us what you see.'

'More t*ts.'

Does this look familiar, lad?

Turn it off. Turn it off.

I'm trying!

LAUGHTER 'And this one?'

'My dad. I... I... I see my dad...

'..with t*ts!'

I can't do this, lads.
REECE: Here, I'll kiss them.

LAUGHTER

MO: Hey, hey, Lewis!

What do you see here, lad?
MO LAUGHS.

Your Aunt Zoe called,

told us about your dad's MS
and how it's been getting worse

and how you're having
to look after him all by yourself.

Something just hit me -
how family is family

and how the past
doesn't really matter

when something like this happens.

Look... I can't go back and change
what's happened between us,

but I can be here now to help...

if you'll let me.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

What a performance, eh, love?

"Family is family."
Did you get that one, Dad?

Yeah, I'm just waiting on
"life's too short",

and then I've got a full house.

You don't have to forgive me,
but at least let me help.

I've already done a shop.

And I'll sort
them overdue bills I've seen.

Hang on. Who says we need your help?

You're clearly struggling.

Come on, Wayne,
this is no life for a girl her age.

Do you know what? I can't take
any more of this sh*t from you.

Do you know what was no life
for her, Anna, hey?

A life without her mum.

And that's something
that you took from her.

So don't you dare
come into this house

and pretend to feel sorry for us,
acting like the past doesn't matter!

Well, I tell you what, girl.

It matters to me,
and it matters to her.

So get your stuff and get out!

I'm staying in a hotel in town
if you change your mind.

We won't.

Ta-ra.

Go 'ead, Wayne, lad.

She genuinely thought a Tesco shop
and a few fake tears

were gonna win us over.

Unbelievable, eh?
That's what I'm telling you about.

SHE SIGHS

I tell you what, though.

She has got some decent scran
in them bags.

Has she?
Yeah.

I saw some of them Danish pastries
we like.

But we're not eating them.
Course not.

HE GRUNTS See you later.

Last time we did this, it was
for Klopp's leaving announcement.

MO SIGHS We got through that.

We're gonna get through this.

Jesus, boys. Who died?

We did, lad. We did.

What?

Lad, you're not gonna wanna hang
with us savages any more.

What are you on about?
Your old mates.

We're not gonna get a look in
once they get here.

As if.
I know how this goes, lad.

We're the Choco Rice from Aldi,

and they're the real thing,
Kellogg's Coco Pops.

Do you want us to bow down
to these mates of yours?

RODERICK: Oh, we'd prefer
you kiss the family ring.

NATHAN: Or ring peace.

CHEERING CHRISTOPHER: Hey!

All right, boys?

CHEERING,
LAUGHTER

Bring it in. Come on.
Long time no see, Chrissy.

Yeah, what, no signal up here?

Erm... Yeah.

Sorry. I... I meant to reply.
I've just...

I've been busy.
Yeah.

Erm, Roderick, Nathan,
this is Ted, Mo,

Connor and Reece.

What, so, this is
why you've been busy?

I mean, you've joined the sh*t test
Scouse boy band that's ever lived.

Coming from
the Made In Chelsea reject?

Sorry, could you...?

Could you repeat that in English,
please? Whoa, careful now.

They don't like
even being called English,

never mind speaking it.

Don't worry, lad,
I can translate for you.

He's calling you a bunch of posh...

Well, isn't this fun, hey?
All of us being together.

Reece, we've been hearing a lot
about you in the debating circles.

ALL: "Debating circles."
What can I say, lads?

I'm a natural.
You really are.

If you're debating sitting
claiming benefits. Nathan!

How about sitting on your arse
debating claiming Daddy's money?

How about you put your hand up

if you know who your daddy is.
Oh, I do.

CLAMOURING

ALL: Please. Please. Please.
Please. Please.

Good to see you're still
an easy windup, mate.

Hi, nice to meet you all in person.
What's going on?!

Well, I seen you worrying
about us meeting,

so I thought I'd reach out,
offer a little Scouse welcome.

Come up with a few ways
to take the piss out of you.

Oh, boys, I'm sorry if the dad joke
was a little bit too far.

Oh, no, it was spot on.

Connor still doesn't believe me that
some dads actually live at home.

Lad, I'm not falling for that one.

LAUGHTER

CHATTERING

So, years after ditching you,
she comes back, apologises,

and then offers to help look after
your sick dad?

Yeah. Pay all your bills,
and do all your shopping,

cooking, and cleaning?

Yeah. Yeah, she sounds
like a right witch [!]

I know!
And if you look to the right,

you'll see
the '08 Allsbrooke basketball team.

Or as enthusiasts like myself
like to call it,

The Unfortunate Case Of Jamie Nugent
Wearing Baggy Shorts.

Look carefully, lad.
Wow.

His left nut is really hanging
out of those shorts, isn't it?

Don't get too excited.
Me mouth's watering. Oh, f*ck.

You lads tour guides now?

And if you cast your eyes
to the left,

now, I know this might be
a cultural experience

for some of you,
we have our next exhibit -

working-class girls.

Relatively fit, but very loud
and painfully opinionated.

Shut up, you little dickhead.

Wow, an interactive piece.

You know, if you boys would like
a more private exclusive tour,

then just let us know.

I'll take a private.
Aimee?!

What do you want?

To apologise
for the way I treated you

when we were together...

and when we broke up.

That's actually quite big of you.

I did things no... no man

of a respectable character
should do.

And I'm sorry...

for the times I begged you
to shove things up your arse.

And the times I begged you
to shove things up my arse.

REECE: Oh, my God!

You don't need to apologise, mate.
It was NEVER gonna happen.

STUDENTS: Ooh!

Sorry for the time
I cheated on you...

STUDENT: Wow, this is wild.
What?

With your cousin...
GASPING

at your nan's wake.

STUDENT: Ah, mate.

HUSHED: In your nan's bed.

STUDENT: Oh, he's a rat, him.

And, er, wiped me c*m
wi' your nan's dressing gown.

STUDENT: Ee, that is vile.

What? No, no, no. I'm apologising.

You seriously did that?!

Well, yeah,
but I'm sorry about it.

Oh, my God!
You're not well, you.

STUDENT: Nah, that's bad, that.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Oh, here we go.

I need to apologise for turning
you dead nan's stairlift

into a sex swing.

STUDENTS EXCLAIM
You're beyond recovery.

You're sick in the head.
Eeh.

What a perve.

STUDENTS ALL TALK
AT ONCE

Oh. Oh.
TOBY: Lad.

TED: 12-step bell end.

I don't know if I can do this.
You can, lad.

I believe in you.
And what do you know, eh?

You haven't even apologised
to your ma for being born.

I have.

Lewis, look, I wouldn't be
asking you to do it if...

if I didn't think you could.

Do you know? I believe in you.

Thank you, lad.
I really needed to hear that.

He just said the same thing I said.
Oh, I haven't got time for it, lad!

CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

RODERICK: Hey, so what was he like
when he first got here?

Oh. So, as part of his initiation
to the group, yeah,

we made him go round
every house on the estate

and introduce himself with...

I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.
G'wed, it was funny.

POSH VOICE: Hello,
my name's Christopher.

I've just taken up residence nearby,

and I like to regularly
pleasure myself

to Princess Anne's
equestrian highlights.

Carry on.
LAUGHTER.

Lads, next question,

who came number one
in Christopher's Spotify Wrapped?

Er, I don't know, Co... Coldplay.
No.

You... You do like them, don't you?
Course not.

Reece?
Whale noises and ocean sounds.

Correct. Ey-heh-heh!

Helps him get to sleep, lad.

All right, the final question
in the inaugural.

Who Knows Christopher Better,

who was Chrissy's
first celebrity crush?

Oh, Kate Middleton.
Wrong.

The rabbit off Zootopia
with the fat arse. Correct!

CHEERING

ALL CHANTING: Reece, Reece, Reece.

Unlucky, lad.

What's that?

Batshit Barry's Scrapyard. Why?

RODERICK CHUCKLES
Hey, where you going?

Oh, we're in Liverpool, Nathan.

Be a shame
not to see all the sights.

You can't just walk in.

Yeah, we'll find a way. Come on.
Wait!

No, no, lad.
Don't know about that, you know.

What, you Scousers, yeah?

Always going on about us
having sticks up our arses

when here you are,
too scared to break a few rules.

I'm not scared, like, lad.
REECE: Ah.

Mate.
I'll rob a car.

Barry's gonna k*ll us.

POLICE OFFICER: 'You really
didn't see who did it?'

No.

OK. All right. Go on, you can go.

But that's not
what your mate Roderick said.

He says you'd back him up.

Back him up on what?
That Reece did it.

I'd think really carefully
before lying, lad.

Especially with that caution
of yours.

Cos this on top of your previous

means you're going straight
to the detention centre.

So...

you can either
back his statement...

or you can tell us what happened.

Anyone need a lift home?

Come on, mate.
It's bad enough we're even in here.

Yeah, you're gonna break it, lad.
And I wanna go first.

ENGINE STARTS

I could hear Reece and Roderick
arguing on the forklift.

REECE: I'm gonna be driving, lad.
Why you wanna be driving?

'Suddenly,
I saw it flying down the ramp.

'It smashed into the owner's car.'

No.

PANICKED BREATHING

'Roderick was driving it.'

Lad, I told you
to stop messing about.

SIREN WAILS

Let's go.

Come out, hurry up.
CONNOR: Are we off?

MO: Yeah, let's go, lad.

Get your shoes, get your shoes.
TED: Thank you.

Go ahead.
MO: Let's go. Ha-ha-ha.

Uh-uh, not you. This way.

Your shoes. Come on.

Hey.

Rod. Wait.

Do you want to f*ck me over
in person this time?

I'm sorry.
No, it's fine, actually.

Now I know where we stand.
Come on.

What?! Mates don't
screw each other over.

Like how you screwed over Reece?

RODRICK SCOFFS
No, I didn't screw over Reece.

For that, I'd have to give a sh*t
about him in the first place.

What's going on, Rod?
This isn't you.

How would you know?

How would you know?
It's not like we talk any more.

Yeah, we do.
No. No, we don't.

You pissed off up here,
and that was that.

I didn't piss off. My mum died.
I know!

I was there for you.

I was... I was there when...
when you took it out on that guy.

When you got charged.

I... I was there for you, man.
I had your back.

And you used to have mine, too.

And, yeah, yeah,
I know we didn't say it,

but we knew that if we wanted
to stay best friends,

then we'd have to try.

Well, I tried, Chris.

I tried, Chris, I did, but you...

you got your new friends, so I guess
you didn't have to, did you?

That's not fair.

SCOFFS

I'll see you at the debate, man.

♪ Somewhere...

♪ Somewhere... ♪
Fix your posture.

YELPS

Sorry.

HUFFS

How'd you get in 'ere?
Your dad let us in.

He says he felt bad
about the other day,

so he invited us round for a quickie
for old time's sake.

You what?

CHUCKLES

You left the back door open,
soft girl.

Oh.

I was coming round
to drop some take-away off,

and I heard you singing.

Come here.

Right.

Breathe.

Try now.

♪ Somewhere
BOTH: Over the rainbow

♪ Way up high. ♪

BOTH CHUCKLE

What? Did you think
you got your voice off your dad?

No.

I can help you, you know.
Wi' your prep.

If you wanted.
Why did you leave?

Sorry. It's just...

Me dad told me about you drinking,
and how you weren't about.

Ah. I... I got
a very different side to Wayne.

When I was with him, it was like
our whole lives had been decided.

Same street, same job,
same boring old pub every Saturday.

And he was content with that, but...

I wanted to feel like
I was still becoming someone.

But he'd get so angry wi' me.

Like, how dare I want
something different than him.

I couldn't breathe, Aim,
and I tried reaching out, but...

every time I did, he just said
you didn't want to know me.

He... He never told me
you tried to reach out.

I wasn't perfect, Aim,
but I was no piss head.

I missed you every single day,

and I never,
ever stopped loving you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Best of luck, boys.

We won't need it.
Oh, why?

Are we just cooking up
another biscuit tin analogy?

Oh, I've got a new analogy, lads.

One about cutting the head
off a snake.

OK, teams.

MR DUNN CLEARS THROAT

Today's topic which Allsbrooke
will be arguing for

and Queenswood House
will be arguing against is...

Oof.
CHUCKLES

private schools
should be abolished.

Hm. Prepare for drama.
CHUCKLES.

Let's get to it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Which leads me to say
that private schools fuel elitism.

Queenswood rebuttal.

To generalise private schools
as elitist is elitist in itself.

They reward the best and brightest.

Allsbrooke rebuttal.

Who decides the best and brightest?

They benefit the economy.

Rebuttal.
By creating inequality.

Helping to further fuel
the UK class divide.

Counterpoint.

Why punish students
for the faults of politicians?

Overpriced, overrated.

Better prospects.

Quality accommodation.
Having to live in school.

Football.
Rowing. Benedict Cumberbatch.

Stevie Graham!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I need to apologise
for selling pics of your feet.

Lewis, just piss off, will you?

Sorry, Aimee.
I was talking to Mia-Louise.

Eeh.
Gimp.

PHONE BUZZES

Hi, Dad.

Aimee, where have you been, love?
I've been worried sick.

You're getting worried sick
confused with sleeping on the couch.

Aimee, I'm being serious.

'Where have you been?'
I stayed at Mia-Louise's last night.

Search party
wouldn't have had to look far.

Well, you need to tell me.

Didn't realise I had to check in
every five minutes.

What time
are you gonna be back later?

'I don't know.'
You what?

'Why, where are you going?'
I'm meeting Anna.

Are you joking me?!

She's gonna help me with me singing.

Aimee, after everything
that we've talked about?

I know, but she is me mum.

And I'm your dad!

And I'm telling you now,
you are not going to see her.

'Do you hear me?
Aimee, she can't be...'

f*ck!

HUFFS

Boys, I just overheard
the adjudicators.

It is neck and neck,
down to the wire,

sticky wickets, squeaky bum time,
ba*ls to the wall.

The big one, the haymaker.

We're going in hard.
How hard? Gerard.

Cos this is our one night
in Istanbul!

Oh, I feel really hot.

Is it just me, or is it really hot?
Are you hot?

Cos I feel really hot.
Get it together, sir.

Yeah. Yeah. Relax.

Remember,
you have to make them believe

that this
is the only possible truth.

Say what you really believe, OK?

Something only you could say.

So...

who's closing?

I'll do it. I'll close.

Boys, let's go give it to 'em.

OK, everyone,
we've heard from Queenswood House

with their closing argument,
now Allsbrooke's Christopher.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Look, I know it's a bit ironic
having me argue to get rid

of the very thing I'm a product of.

But as someone who's experienced
both private and state schools,

I'm probably the best one
to argue it.

Though, to be honest,
despite all I've said today...

I actually loved my old school.

I love where I'm from.

And believe it or not,
I even love these two arseholes.

LAUGHTER

Though I know to them, it may not
have always seemed that way.

When I lost my mum...

I started to lose myself.

I started to lash out...

and cut myself off from the world
and, without realising, my friends.

Then I moved to Liverpool.

Yes!
CHEERING.

STUDENT: You don't walk alone, lad.

And the more time I spent here,

the more I started to regain
those parts of myself I'd lost

and discover who I really am.

But the truth is,

when it comes to private schools
and state schools

and the worlds they represent,
I'm not for or against.

I don't believe
we should be picking sides.

Why are we so obsessed

with splitting everything
into two piles?

Good or bad. Posh or poor.

Right or wrong.

Because, for me,
the answer isn't one or the other,

it's the bit in between.

The combination.

Let's stop trying to win
the argument

and try to understand
what's good about the other side,

so we can use it
to create something better.

I'm a product of both worlds.

Born in Surrey, made in Liverpool.

CHEERING

And I'm proud of both.

So why should I choose between them

when bringing them together
makes much more sense

than keeping them apart?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow. Thank you
for that, Christopher.

Although, as this is a debate,

you've sort of got
to be for or against.

And as the adjudicators
have flagged,

not only have you failed to do that,

but you have barely referenced
the statements of the debate.

Queenswood House wins.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHRISTOPHER: I'm really sorry.
Hey.

I-I just wanted to apologise.

Look, no hard feelings, lads.

Hey, you were so good.
Respect for that debate.

And I'm sorry for not trying harder,
for disappearing.

That's all right.

Your mum would be really proud

of the life you've made
for yourself here, man.

Although, she'd be less proud
when we annihilate you AGAIN

at next year's
Debating Championship.

BOTH LAUGH

Oh, no, you know what?

I think I'm done
trying to change people's minds.

Not yet, you're not!

I need youse, boys.
For one last hurrah.

What's going on?
An intervention, lad. For you.

And inter what? We're not letting
this Temu life coach

lead you astray any longer.

He's making you insufferable, Lewis.
It's embarrassing.

He's only trying to better himself.
By erasing who he is.

Guys, is...
is that what you really think?

No, I just came cos he said
he'd buy us some scran, lad.

Yeah,
and we don't actually know you.

We just know you look about 42.

MO: He does, to be fair.

Lewis, you need to pack it in, lad.

Just look us in the eye
and accept who you are.

Whose eye
am I supposed to look into?

Most lads go round pretending
that they've got it all together.

But you've never pretended, lad.

You were chaos.

You were honest. You were alive.

By God, you were alive, lad.

You said mad things,
you did mad things.

You know, you felt everything.

You'd cry watching porn,
then you'd headbutt a bin. Yeah.

Yeah, it got you into trouble,
but it was real.

You were real.

You don't fix a fire
by putting it out, lad.

That's exactly what you do.
Shut the f*ck up, you little scruff!

You dancing it, lad?

Mmm.

Come back to us, lad.

I suppose I do miss
w*nk*ng myself silly.

I miss watching you, bro.
I know.

I'm Fl*ttening anyone
who gets cheeky.

KIERON GROWLS

I just, you know, grabbing someone

and getting in their face,
like, you little maggot!

You little pterodactyl!

You little overnight oats!

LEWIS LAUGHS

I, Lewis...

Accept it, lad!

Am and always will be a proud...

Preach it!

Perverted...

Say it!

Dickhead!
Yeah!

Aaaaaah!

♪ Nice

♪ I ain't nice

♪ It ain't nice, whoo!

♪ Nice. ♪