05x05 - Night of Comedy Comeback

[bunniefuu]

Good evening everyone.

They say comedy isn't pretty and tonight we're going to prove it.

Two prankster impersonators go for the comedy jugular...

Two loveable losers go toe to toe with respect on the line.

And two of hollywood's a list try to break some funny bones

And it all begins right here,

Right now on celebrity death match.

Good evening everyone, I'm johnny gomez,

Here as always with the incomparable nick diamond.

And nick tonight it's all about...

Comedy johnny.

Every battle tonight is comedian versus comedian,

Including one very special battle brought to you courtesy

Of the cdm time machine.

You know I tried doing a bit a stand up myself,

Back in the s.

Really, I had no idea you were into--

Comedy?

Well it's true, and tonight, not only does our audience get

To see blood and gore, but one lucky person in the arena will

Also win a chance to perform their very own standup routine

In a real comedy club.

Maybe you'll win johnny.

Well, I don't have a comedy background like yourself nick.

There's only one thing you need to know johnny...

When it comes to comedy it's all about...

Timing.

Speaking of...

It's time we go to tally wong who's standing by with one of

The contestants of the first fight.

It's another edition of tally's corner.

Thanks johnny.

Hello everyone and welcome to another edition

Of tally's corner.

Johnny I'm here with the always irrepressible ali g.

Ali, welcome to celebrity death match.

Boutros, boutros, boutros, booya kashaa...

Big up, yo.

Me's got a question...

What you got against thems what can't hear?

Huh?

You know the handicapable.

What?

That's what I'm saying, maybe you should be in this deaf

Match instead of me.

Death match.

A'ight, deaf match.

Death match.

Right, deaf match...

Bu ya cucha, check yourself before you wreck yourself,

Big up to the man upstairs.

I'm tally wong, and this was tally's corner.

Thanks tally, another gripping interview.

It looks like mills lane is calling the two contestants to

The center of the ring.

Let's go ringside.

Yo...

The where this bloke at?

He just called, he's at a bar in bruno and thinks he's about

To get lucky.

What?

That's depossible, bruno's me.

Ha, ha, I totally exed you, you thought I was mills lane.

What?

Ex...

That's what I call it when I make someone look like an idiot.

Listen now, I can do that perfectly well by me own self.

Listen up you chuckle heads, there can only be one mills

Lane and I'm him and I've got the presidential

Pardon to prove it.

Now let's get it on.

There's the bell and this one is underway.

And right out of the box ali g takes control.

He's spinning jamie kennedy like a top.

He's really feeling those ali g forces now eh johnny?

[Crowd cheering]

I should write that one down.

[Crowd cheering]

You better mind your wicket mate.

Oh, oh.

That ain't your wicket.

And jamie kennedy takes it on the chin.

That was a hell of a shot johnny.

It may have caused a kennedy compound fracture.

That's another keeper.

Ali, without question one of the hardest shots

We've seen all year.

Thanks.

Hey, how about you coming back stage and ...

[Crowd cheering]

You've just exed again...

Better mind your batting t pal.

That ain't your batting t.

[Fighting/groaning]

Yo! Me mr. Biggees.

I call this the scream trilogy.

[Crowd cheering]

[Screaming]

That third scream was terrible nick.

You can say that again.

Here's a little something I learned when I was

In boiler room.

Hold up there kennedy.

You can't use that reference.

That was a bit part.

What am I supposed to do with all this boiling oil?

Not my problem.

Let's get it on.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Bit up to the man upstairs.

Ali, I quick word while your opponent is down...

Oh no, not this down...

I can't correct...

[Fighting/yelling]

[Crowd cheering]

That bling has got sting.

But there seems to be a problem nick.

Mills lane is stepping in again.

What the hell are you doing son?

That's our female interviewer.

What?

Ain't she he...

I'm tally wong you moron.

Sorry dat little lady.

Exed again!

Stop you diddling with me brain.

[Crowd cheering]

Son you just made yourself a powerful enemy.

You mean, you the real you?

Where'd he go, where'd he go at?

That's it.

And you is you?

Nough of this.

Where is you kennedy.

I's about to go agro on your party or whatever.

Take a look at this.

Ali is so confused he's just hitting random audience members

In the hope that one of them is jamie kennedy in disguise.

This is turning into a detroit pistons game.

And then some johnny.

Ali g is completed frustrated, but jamie kennedy is such

A master of disguise, he could be anyone.

Ow!

What did you do that for?

Sorry johnny, I thought you might be him.

I'm getting a little confused about just who I'm fighting.

You're not fighting anyone nick, you're an announcer.

Oh, right.

Isn't suffering through your show enough audience abuse?

Nows me's gotcha!

Me is going to use this here chain to cause you some pain.

Wait, you can't punch me in the face.

Don't you know there are rules to celebrity death match.

Sure.

First of all, this is the first battle of the night,

So it's supposed to be less violent than the others.

For instance there's no way that I'm supposed to do

Something like this...

Then there's the rule where someone makes a reference to

Some movie they've been in...

That means they're going to bring out a weapon.

For instance I was in son of masking tape...

But the most important rule of death match is you should never

Get suckered in by someone talking about the rules.

Bu ya ca cha...

And the winner is jamie kennedy.

And the world is a poorer place for it.

That was some incredible battle eh nick.

We'll be right back after these commercials.

Welcome back to celebrity death match and the nd battle in our

Night of comedy combat.

And our night of comedy contests.

Remember at the end of the evening,

We announce the winner of our grand prize...

A chance to perform standup at a real comedy club.

That's right nick but now its that special moment we've all

Been waiting for, and to explain it all,

Let's go down to ringside with our very own tally wong.

Take it away tally.

Thanks johnny.

I'm standing here with one of the technological wonders of

The world, celebrity death match time machine,

Years of painstaking research, high end particle physics,

Trial, error and ingenuity finally came together in this

The pinnacle of scientific evolution.

Tally a new federal law requires that if you're going

To teach the time machine evolution,

You must also teach time machine creationism.

The time machine did not exist and then all of a sudden

The time machine did exist, fully formed.

Makes sense to me.

And that's the sound that means the very fabric of time and

Space has been altered to bring us tonight's challenger...

All the way back from the year , ladies and gentlemen,

Rodney dangerfield.

Rodney, welcome back, how was your trip?

My trip?

The titanic had a smoother ride than I did.

Can you tell us what heaven is like?

If I only knew.

I got to the pearly gates, they told me to go to hell.

I said what for?

They said god saw meet wally sparks.

Then can you at least explain what it feels like to be dead?

Sure, like monday night in a small room at the sands, okay.

Ha, rodney, clever reference but I don't know if our

Demographic will get it.

You're demographic sounds like me when I was in high school.

Who am I kidding, you're demographic sounds like me

When I was married too.

Oh, tough crowd, tough crowd.

Dangerfield is making his way into the ring...

Only somebody may want to check on him.

He's sweating like kevin federline at a spelling bee.

Ha, that was a good one, I should use that.

You just did use it nick.

Who the hell are you?

I'm your opponent, rob schneider.

Never heard of you.

Oh, you're telling me you've never heard of deuce bigelow,

European gigalo?

I've been dead for a year.

Oh.

The longest yard?

No.

Around the world in eighty days?

No.

Fifty first dates? -No.

The hot chick? -No.

Eight crazy nights? -No.

The animal? -No.

Little nicki? -No.

You were in that with me. -Sorry.

Muppets from space? -No.

Big daddy? -No.

Deuce bigalow? -No.

The water boy? -No.

Susan's plan? -No.

Knock off? -No.

Down periscope? -No.

Judge dred? -No.

The beverley hillbillies? -No.

Demolition man? -No.

Surf ninja? -No.

Necessary roughness? -No.

How long have you been dead?

Not as long as your career, okay.

Zing, now let's get it on!

Okay rodney, I'm gonna give you a whooping and then I'll

Finally be the comedian who gets no respect.

News flash small fry, you're already there.

You won't be so smug after you feel the wrath

Of my deuce bigalow blow.

[Crowd cheering]

How do you like that?

Hey my first wife used to call that foreplay.

[Crowd cheering]

If you really want to hurt me, hold up a mirror,

I'm so ugly my face can make a train take a dirt road

[Crowd cheering]

You can do it.

[Crowd cheering]

You can do it, you can do it, you can do it.

Wow.

That really is annoying isn't it?

[Crowd cheering]

Hey, I think he's up on the set of caddyshack.

[Crowd cheering]

Rodney has selected a pitching wedge...

Interesting choice.

He's lining up...

And there's the famous pitching wedgie.

Nice loft.

Dangerfield I'll give you five bucks to punch yourself

In the face.

And now schneider is trying to bribe dangerfield.

That'll never work.

Have you ever seen lady bugs?

That guy'll do anything for money.

[Crowd cheering]

You're right johnny.

Dangerfield is knocking himself silly.

Silly like a fox nick.

I think I'm beginning to see his plan.

What can he be doing?

It's comedy genius.

Without schneider realizing it, dangerfield has gotten himself

In perfect position to attempt the triple lindy.

Oh the humanity, the humanity.

[Cheering]

He's done it.

Dangerfield has landed the triple lindy.

I don't know what hurt schneider worse,

That landing or the reviews of deuce bigalow european gigalo.

I'm gonna say that landing nick.

This one is all over.

[Crowd cheering]

And the winner is, the dead guy.

Outstanding action and we promise you more right after

These messages.

Welcome back to celebrity death match.

We promised you a top notch a-list finale and cdm

Always delivers.

Nick, who comes to mind when I say underdog?

That would have to be marty martin johnny.

Who?

Marty martin...

Lived next to me when I was growing up...

Not a nice kid at all.

Older, meaner...

Picked on everyone, especially me...

Talk about your underdog.

Five years it went on, but what could I do johnny?

He was bigger than me and I wanted the candy.

Nick, i...

Some scars don't heal johnny...

Some scars never heal.

Nick I was talking about our next contestants,

Ben stiller and adam sandler, both well known for their

On-screen portrayals of loveable underdogs.

[Laughs]

I knew that.

This is one match that will prove the face of comedy is

Truly ugly...

And no I'm not referring to margret cho...

Let's go down to tally wong who interviewed adam sandler

Earlier this evening.

Adam, tough question for you.

Some people have criticized you for making the same movie

Over and over.

How do you respond to that?

It's just not true, you know.

For instance in billy madison I played loveable loser who

Finally wins the girl and inherits his father's fortune.

But in mr. Deed's

I played a loveable loser who finally wins the girl

And inherits his uncle's fortune.

Doesn't that just prove my...

Hey...

You want to hear a song?

Okay, here's a little song I wrote about ben stiller.

It's called the ben stiller song.

"I'm so much cuter than ben stiller,

His face looks just like a gorilla.

All my songs are my mindless filler,

Glad I have a rhyming dictionary, iller,

Because I can't think of anything clever...

Iller.

Adam sandler clearing drawing on his saturday night live past

When he did these types of songs as opera man, cajun man.

Oh, you're too kind.

As well as one-joke man, too lazy to think of a name man,

If I laugh at my own jokes maybe everyone will think

They're funny man...

Okay got to go.

One last question...

What's with all the rob schneider cameos?

Oh I lost a bet.

Well, that mystery solved.

Mystery solved indeed.

Well it looks like mills lane has called both men to the

Center of the ring and we're just about ready to

Get things started.

Okay you two, oh who am I kidding...

I got nothing to say to either of you.

Now let's get it on!

There's the bell and this one is underway.

You want to hit me?

Go ahead and hit me.

Nah, you take the first shot.

No, go ahead.

Smack me one right in the kisser.

Right here...

Give me another cleft...

I've never seen two fighters being so polite

To one another johnny.

They're not being polite nick, they're both so used to playing

Come from behind losers, that neither one seems to know

How to be dominant.

I wonder how their wives feel.

A man doesn't have to be dominant to be a

Good husband nick.

No, I mean I wonder what it would be like

To touch their wives.

This is for stealing my - demographic.

This is for starsky and hutch.

This is for spanglish.

This is for zoolander!

This is for spanglish again.

This might mean trouble johnny.

Combined these two have been in over movies.

If they reference every one of them they'll just stand there

And beat each other into a bloody pulp.

You were saying something about trouble nick?

I stand corrected johnny.

Boy is my face ever red.

Sadly we can't say the same for stiller and sandler.

They seem to be taking a bit of a breather.

Hey sandler, opera guy so one note in every way.

You should talk.

You only lasted one season on the show.

You know how lame you have to be to last only one season?

Janeane garafalo lame.

All right you two, get back to it or I'll get the whole cast

Of mad tv in here.

So, they don't seem so tough.

Yeah, we could take them.

I don't mean a fight, I mean to do their sketches live.

No, don't that!

We're fighting, see, see, we're fighting.

This fight is beginning to get serious and sandler is finally

Bringing on the hurt.

Looks like he may need some anger management.

Nobody needs anger management nick.

Here's a little song in the key of...

Your face.

Yeah, that's it, put those droopy man boobies to the wind

And run.

And stiller shows us that indeed, reality bites.

Sandler executes the perfect blocker to the focker knocker...

What a shocker.

I think you just wrote adam sandler's next song nick.

k*ll me now johnny.

Think of this as a favor sandler.

When I'm done with you you'll probably be reunited

With your mutt meatball.

Don't you ever trash talk meatball.

My meatball is a saint.

He's dead sandler.

Dead, dead, dead.

Stop talking about my meatball.

You mean your dead dog meatball...

The dead one?

Don't make me angry stiller.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Oh please!

Meatball, meatball, meatball.

Meatball, meatball, meatball.

Sandler has tied stiller up in the ropes but seems to be

Backing off.

Only to deliver the coup to gras nick.

He's brought out a bag of footballs.

If he's planning to reprise his role in the longest yard,

Ben stiller is in trouble.

If he's planning to reprise his role in the longest yard,

We're all in trouble.

Oh no you don't.

Ouch.

Right in the little nicki.

This is for meatball.

It's over.

This one is all over.

And with any luck we can finally say the same about the

Meet the focker's franchise.

We got us a winner...

Loveable loser who finally wins in the end.

And that wraps things up for us here tonight.

Hold on johnny.

We still have to choose the winner of tonight's raffle.

The winner ticket is number ...

Well, that's me.

What an extraordinary coincidence.

Extraordinary indeed.

And before any federal fraud investigation agency comes

To investigate, this is johnny gomez,

For the entire cdm team saying good night

And good fight.

Don't you hate it when you go to the death match and some

Lady sits down in front of you with a big bee hive hairdo?

It's like, hey lady, called,

It's wants it's hair back.

But seriously folks, I love the death match.

It's the only place in town where you can get a bloody-mary

With real blood!

You suck diamond!

Uhhhh. Johnny gomez is so fat - when he sits around the house

He sits around the house.

Johnny gomez is so stupid it takes him hours

To watch minutes.

Johnny gomez is so poor - I saw him kicking a can down the

Street, I said "whatcha doin'?"

He said "movin'".

I'm nick diamond, try the veal, I'll be here all week.

Boo!

Thank you, goodnight!