05x06 - Stand-up vs. Smack Down

[bunniefuu]

Tonight on celebritydeath match

It's chopperversus chop shop,

Rocker versusrolley-polley roller,

And stand-upversus smack down.

And it all starts right here,

Right now oncelebrity death match.

Good evening everyone

And welcome to anotherkickass edition

Of celebrity death match.

I'm johnny gomez with,

As always,

The incomparablenick diamond.

Everything okay there nick?

Huh? Oh sorry.

Sounds great johnny.

What sounds great?

I'm sorry johnny.

I'm a little distracted.

The fact is I'm in abit of a legal pickle.

Did you know thatsharing music

Over the internet is ill*gal?

Of course I did.everyone does.

It's been all over the newsfor the last two years.

Well, nobody told me.

You can read aboutit on the internet.

You can't find newson the internet.

You can find anything

On the internet nick...

Except tonight'sdeath match up.

Nice segue...

Case in point...

Nice segue dot com.

Nice segue dot com you say?

Yes nick, nice segue dot com.

You should check it out.

You'll never know

What great stuffyou'll find there.

I certainly will.

I will certainly check out

Nice segue dot com.

So forget yourlegal troubles nick.

Put your game face on

And let's get busy.

First up,orange county choppers

Takes on west coast customs

As paul senior and xzibit

Step into the ring.

Then, they saynothing in this world

Is black and white,

But they'd be wrong.

Jack black andjack white rumble

For a rock androll supremacy.

And finally,

The main event...

Funny man chrisrock squares off

Against action hunk

Dwayne the rock johnson...

In an all outbattle to decide

Which rock is the hardest.

Let's get down to ringside

Where our first contestants

Are making their entrances

As only they can.

[Loud engine]

Point me in the direction

Of the a*s thatneeds kicking,

So I can get backto the shop already.

[Crowd cheering/roaring]

[Loud engine]

X to the z in the house baby...

Big paul, I'm gonna pimpthat big fat head of yours.

Oh oh,

I'm sensing sometension here johnny.

And for good reason.

They both have hit shows.

But only one canclaim the title

Of best customizer on cable.

To make these twofeel more at home

We've added some tools

And spare parts to the mix

So they can pipup the destruction

And customize the pain.

And say,

It looks like even mills lane

Has gotten into thegear head groove.

All right you two, listen up.

Damn pops,your work is wacked.

You need some doveson that b*tch.

No, man you'vegot it all wrong.

You need a v-twinin that baby.

I'll show youhow we do it

On the west side.

That's crap.

Here's what areal ride needs.

Put a cork in yourcarburetors you two.

Nobody p*mps thisrascal but the mrs.

Now let's get it on!

[Loud engine]

[Bell rings]

There's the bell

And this death matchis in full effect.

And paul sr.

Is ratcheting up the action

Right out of the box.

Is that all you got?

When I get done with you,

You gonna be smaller

Than the crowd at alimp bizkit concert.

[Crowd cheering/roaring]

I doubt that's coveredin the warranty.

The one for thetv or for his head?

Yes.

[Crickets]

Well thank you very much

Snl writing staff.

So paul,

Anybody actually ever buy

Any of those bikes you build?

Hey, hey, keep talking trash.

I'll shove so much chrome

Down your mouth

You'll look like l'il john.

Damn.

Queen latifah called...

She wants her a*s back...

Hey, you should talk.

You a walking, talkingdouble wah

And now it's time for me

To bring on the attitude

That made mewhat I am today.

A failed third-rate rapper

Who puts fish tanks in cars

So I can get hugsfrom total losers.

Paul:yeah at that pointi was pissed.

I wanted to getthis thing over with

And get back to my life.

Yelling at paulie aboutbeing behind schedule

Like some patheticperforming monkey.

Good gravy johnny

This fight is stillanyone's to take.

I will say this nick.

Democrats are all gaycommunist atheists

Who support terrorism

And invented thebubonic plague.

[Owl hooting]

Well thank you very much

Fox news writing staff.

[Crowd cheering/roaring]

My fuzzy dice.

Do me a favor,

Hold my calls.

[Crowd cheering/roaring]

My... ba*ls!

[Sound of struggle]

That's one ring tone

That's going to staywith me for a while.

Now where are you?

I'm going to getocc on your a*s.

[Crowd cheering/roaring]

Yo, senior!

Your ride is here.

And now I'mma give you therim job of your life.

[Screaming]

Do it to mikey,

Do it to mikey.

Looks like paul sr.is two feet shorter

Than when he came in!

Now make like a hottie

And give me your digits!

[Screaming]

[Crowd cheering/roaring]

Yeah, dog, you been pimped.

Ha, ha.

Pimped indeed.

If I were paul sr.

I'd throw in the towel,

Only I couldn't

Because I'd have no hands,

Or towel.

Can't argue withyou there nick.

This one looksjust about over.

Holla!!

Yeah...

Who's the king now?

Yeah, baby.

Let me see you putyour hands in the air

Pimp your ride likeyou just don't care!

And you know what,

King kong ain'tgot nothin' on me!

Yo, are yousaying yeah?

Say what?

Let me hear you say yeah,

Let me hear you say yeah...

Let me hear you say...

[Crowd cheering/roaring]

[Struggle]

[Crowd cheering/roaring]

And the winner is paulsr.'S soup strainer.

You could not ask for

A better match thanthis, eh nick?

Nick, what are you doing?

Uploading thiscopyrighted telecast

For real time file sharing.

Why?

Nick...

Don't sayanother word.

Let's just getto commercial.

Stay where youare folks,

There's lots morecarnage to come.

We'll be back in two and two.

What did I just say?

What didi just say?

We're back folks

And the night is still young.

Ready for more mayhem nick?

What I don'tunderstand johnny

Is that they don'twant us to file share

Why did they make it so easy?

Nick, that's like saying

Why'd they invent steroids

If we're notsupposed to use them?

We're not supposedto use steroids?

Our next battleis nothing less

Than the eternal struggle

Between black and white

For ultimate domination.

We go to tally wong.

Nick, johnny...

Now entering the auditorium,

Weighing I'm guessing

At some pounds,

Our first fighter,

Full figured funny man...

Jack black.

Yeah, you like that huh?

You like that?

And weighing in

At just over pounds fully clothed,

The guru of garage rock

And lord of the low fi,

Here comes jack whiteof the white stripes.

Nick:he seems kind ofuninterested tally.

Tally:oh, don't let his hipnonchalance fool you.

This guy's knownfor beating the crap

Out of musiciansexactly his size.

Oh, and it lookslike mills lane

Is ready to getthis one going,

And I'm positivelygooey with excitement.

Nick:you're not theonly one tally.

Rock and roll.

Dude...

You look likesome weird cross

Between tooth paste

And a dr. Seuss character.

Where's your self esteem?

Okay...

Let's rumble...

No protectivegear allowed

And keep that horrendous,

Ugly, hairy beastout of my ring.

You mean king kong?

That's not real,

It's just a movie.

I meant that fatchick you're seeing.

That was a movie too.

Son, if you'rethat embarrassed,

Just dump her.

Now let's get it on.

And this fight is underway.

Wha-chaa!!

[Struggle]

And jack blackgets things off

With tenacious ddt.

I doubt jack white hasbeen in this much pain

Since renée zellwegergave him the boot.

Jack white is quicklyback up on his feet!

Oh, that was close.

All right sunshine,

You want to play?

Let's play!

Johnny:and now white & blackare really going at it.

The eternalstruggle, eh nick.

Black, white, good, evil,

Night, day, ying, yang...

Nick:well as my motherused to say,

When it comes to yang

Always sing to thechicken in the rain.

Johnny:how is your mother?

Nick:better, thanks.

They've changedher medication.

And jack black ison the defensive.

If ben stilleris watching this

He must be filled with envy.

His nose lookpretty bloody nick.

And I'll bet he wishes he had

Some sort of sprayto get rid of that.

I wonder if jackblack's neighbor

Wants to get inon this action...

Cause of envy...

Give it a rest nick,

No one saw the movie.

[Struggle]

Let me help youup there buddy.

Oh, there's the famous

Jack white sucker punch.

Jack black didn'tsee that coming

Anymore than thevon bondies did.

That was so not cool.

Okay, you've leftme no choice.

I didn't want to do this.

Jack white looks

Awfully scared down there.

For good reason johnny.

That's not just any guitar,

It's a bass guitar,

And jack white isterrified of it.

[Sound of guitar]

No, no, nnno, nnno...

Batter up...

[Crowd cheering/roaring]

Looks like in thisschool of rock,

Jack white hasjust been sent

To the principal's office.

Hey, butterball...

I can't believe it johnny,

It's meg white,

Jack white's sister,

Or ex.-Wife, sister, ex-wife...

Bandmate...

Sadly the fact of it is,

This is reallyquite slimming.

Hey meg...hey jack.

Let's say we showthis slob

How we do it inthe motor city?

Whatever.

[Crowd cheering/roaring]

My goodness,

I may not be muchof a musician,

But that girl isone lousy drummer...

Good double entendrejohnny...

That wasn't even a singleentendre nick.

That girl justplain can't drum.

Ow, ow, ow!

Lady!

You couldn't find abeat with a compass.

[Struggle]

[Crowd cheering/roaring]

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Jack...the shirt...

Hey!

[Struggle]

[Crowd cheering/roaring]

[Struggle]

This one's reachingcritical mass folks!

A term you want to avoid

When jack black's involved.

What the?

[Crowd cheering/roaring]

The white stripeshave done it.

They've pinned jack black

In a hopeless situation.

It's just a question of

How they're gonnafinish him off.

Oh, oh,

A twenty-inch neck

In a fifteen-inch collar

Can only spell one thing.

[Struggle]

You're done for.

You want to know why?

[Struggle]

That's the hardestbutton to unbutton.

[Struggle]

[Crowd cheering/roaring]

And the winner is,

The white stripes.

[Crowd cheering/roaring]

Well that's eithera sweet victory kiss

Between former spouses

Or a very creepydisplay of incest.

Either way johnny,i'm rock hard...

With excitement.

And there you have it folks,

This match is in the books.

Come on nick,

Didn't that fightcheer you up?

Oh, I'm doomed,i'm going to jail...

Do you have any idea

What they do to guys

Who look like me in jail?

I'll be completely ignored.

Oh, how did I everget in this mess?

Hey, come on pal, buck up.

It's not so bad.

As my mother used to say,

It could be worse,

You could be indentistry school.

Good god,

There are schoolsfor dentists?

Welcome back tocelebrity death match.

Get ready to strap infor the main event.

And you couldn't ask fora better one than this,

Eh nick?

Hold that thought johnny.

I'm just totaling up allthe fines against me...

What's the damage?

Twenty-five to life.

Well, could be worse.

How? How couldit possibly worse?

Take it away tally wong.

Chris rock, his razor wit

Has made him one ofamerica's favorite comics

And despite starring instinker after stinker,

He somehow always comes out

Smelling like cash.

Dwayne the rock johnson,

Wrestler come action star.

Two hundred and sixty pounds

Of pure a*s-kicking muscle

That knows how to say,

Beat down in languages.

Is that true tally?

I have no idea johnny,

But I do know this,

Chris rock hasentered the arena

And is making hisway into the ring.

Fantastic!

Wait a minute,

This don't look likeknow comic relief.

What the hell is this place?

It's celebritydeath match sonny.

I'm gonna kickchris tucker's a*s.

Death match, huh,

This place don'tlook so tough.

The neighborhoodwhere I grew up,

Now that place was tough.

I'll tell youhow tough it was.

My neighborhood was so tough

The school paper hadan obituary column.

[Groan]

Oh you all can kiss my a*s.

Sorry I'm late

But o'clock asskicking ran long.

Wait a minute.

You mean I gotto fight him?

This guy's noreal wrestler.

Now hulk hogan, there'sa real wrestler.

I may not havea sense of humor

But I'll tell you whodwayne johnson is.

He's one of this country'sfinest wrestlers,

That's who he is.

Bring it in you two.

All right.

No more lousy jokesout of you and you...

You can do whatever you want,

I'm getting out of here.

Let's get it on!

There's the belland we're underway.

Listen...

Just because you'reone big a*s monkey...

Whooaaaa!

Well, this is no surprise.

Dwayne johnson will have

A commanding advantagein this fight.

That's great johnny.

A nude avril lavigne justentered the ring nick.

That's great johnny.

We're at w*r withjapan again nick.

That's great johnny.

How was your flight?

How was my...

Is this how it'sgonna go down?

You're gonnafollow every punch

With a lame one-liner?

It's my oeuvre.

Well let's seewhat you say

When I bringon the pain.

[Struggle]

[Crowd cheering/roaring]

Well this is justplain humiliating.

Have you seen dogma?

Now that was humiliating.

I'll tell you what dogma was.

Dogma was one ofthe finest examples

Of american cinemain the last...

[Crowd cheering/roaring]

Here's a littletrick I picked up

On the set of pootytang.

What?

That eyebrow supposed toscare me or something?

[Crowd cheering/roaring]

What is going on

With everybody'sfacial hair tonight?

I do not knowwhat you mean.

What's the matter...

Feeling a little brow beaten?

How do you liketo be dropped?

Brow before the rock.

[Struggle]

Puns!aren't!funny!

Where the hell did chris rock

Get an mtv movie award?

You kidding?

Those things comein a box of cereal.

Jimmy fallon's got ten.

Yikes.

I know, right.

So how do you like beingin the ring with me now?

[Struggle]

I've been in worse spots.

In front of the camerain the longest yard for one.

Looks like johnson issetting up for a leap...

[Crowd roar]

Well how aboutthis death fans!

Chris rock iscompletely unhurt

And johnson iscompletely mystified.

Oh, he should have known.

Chris rock's neverbeen hurt by a flop.

Not walking sotall now are you?

Chris rock still hassome fight left in him.

He's really puttingthe wood to him.

Oh, oh,

Chris better think fast,

Or it's lights out.

What the hell's going on?

Come on nick

Everybody knowspaper beats rock.

Yeah, it's thechris rock show now.

No wait, johnsonisn't finished yet.

Mind if I cut in.

Scissors beats paper

Any day of the week.

Looks like yourluck's run out.

Are you kidding?

I'm the luckiest manin show business.

I'm so lucky

Pennies throwme in fountains.

I'm so luck rabbitsrub my feet.

I'm so lucky...

[Struggle]

[Crowd cheering/roaring]

Look at this.

Dwayne johnson hasdone the impossible.

He's shut chris rock up.

Love 'em and cleave'em I always say.

Thanks for the hand...

This next one will costyou an arm and a leg.

[Squealing]

Now that's using my head.

...of state.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Nobody saw that.

And the winner is chris rock.

What an amazing battle.

I never would have believed

That chris rockcould beat the rock.

Can you believe it nick?

Well, I guess this is it.

They'll be coming for me now.

You'll come visitme in the big house,

Won't you johnny?

What's this?

It's the list ofsongs I shared...

She'll be comin''round the mountain;

On top of old smokey;

Twinkle, twinklelittle star...

Nick, these songs areall in the public domain.

You can't get arrestedfor sharing these.

I can't?

No, but you shouldbe thrown in jail

For having the worstmusical taste ever.

You're telling me

You shared these songswith , other people?

We're out therejohnny, and we vote.

Now how about this?

Can I be arrestedfor sharing this?

What the hell'sa plushy?

Oh johnny, you'reso innocent.

Until next time,

From all of us atcelebrity death match,

Good fight and good night.