05x07 - When Animals Attack

[bunniefuu]

Tonight on CelebrityDeath Match

when animals attack;

you'll see hog versus hog;

bat versus bat

and fox versus fox.

And to top it all off,

one of our celebritycontestants gets punk'd...

and it all begins right now

on Celebrity Death Match.

Good evening everyone

and welcome toCelebrity Death Match.

All I can say isit's about time -

the time machine, that is.

That's right Johnny.

Tonight the CelebrityDeath Match time machine

comes out of retirement

so that we can bring you,

not one, not two,but three battles

that the ordinaryspace time continuum

said couldn't be done.

First up, it's thebattle of the bulge,

when famous fatman, Horatio Sandz

goes Sumo e Sumo

with the legendaryChris Farley.

Then it's Gotham City gore.

When Batman Christian Bale

goes wing to wingwith Batman Adam West,

in a battle for bat-premacy.

And in tonight's main event,

if you didn't think Fox

was already hardenough to watch,

wait till we put twoof them in the ring.

Jamie Foxx and ReddFoxx in one box

for a blood bath thatshocks and rocks.

Talk about excitement!

I know I'm excited Johnny

and I didn't even quiteunderstand what you said.

True Death Match fans

may remember the time machine

was invented for us

by Stone Cold Steve Austin.

We had hoped hecould be here tonight

to explain the machineto your viewers...

But frankly he wasjust too expensive.

So instead we've usedthe time machine itself

to bring back themost qualified person

in all of history

to explain howthe machine works.

Ladies and gentlemen

it is a privilege and honor

to introduce to you

the non-union affiliatedDr. Albert Einstein.

Thank you, it'snice to be here,

but since I'm dead

it's nice to be anywhere.

[laughter]

So, Dr. Einstein,

how does thismachine work exactly?

It's science Nick.

You can't explain it...

Surely you're not saying...

Hey, I asked for abeer in the green room...

who do I have to f--- toget a beer around here?

Well Nick, I don't think

our distinguishedguest is aware

that there are somewords you just can't say...

Hey you fat,ugly f---

...get me the beer guy.

Uh, Dr. Einst...

Oh, like you don'tknow you're ugly,

lady you're so ugly

I wouldn't f--- you

with IrwinSchroedinger's d---.

[ringing]

Let's say we godown to ringside

for our first fightof the evening.

Nick, what phrase comes to mind

when I say Saturday Night Live?

"I wonder what's onthe weather channel."

No...well yes, but no.

The phrase is funny fat guy.

For thirty years the show

has always had onething going for it.

A fat guy!

Tonight in the Red corner

weighting in at pounds of pure pounds,

the current manwith the glands,

Horatio Sandz.

But he better watch out

because tonighthe's up against

one of the best.

Back to reclaim

his steel gutterreinforced throne

as the king of corpulentcavity...

Weighing in at ,that can't be right -

I mean maybe in dog pounds...

no wait, my pagewas folded over...

weighing in at ,pounds, Chris Farley.

[yelling]I AM ALIVE!

[growling]

Hey, hurry upand get in here

so I can kick yourass, Tommy boy.

Farley seems to be alittle out of shape.

I bet he hasn'tsweated this hard

since the premiereof Black Sheep...

Of what?

Exactly.

Okay, now listen up you two.

There's not enoughroom in this town

for the both of you,

there's also notenough food or oxygen.

Now let's get it!

[bell rings]

Uh-oh, could thisbe happening?

I expected Farleyto perspire,

but not to expire.

This is an utter tragedy.

It's awful to seehim go again.

No, I mean we've got minutes to fill here,

and we've got nothing.

Hey, Sandz is an SNL veteran.

He's used to that.

Why doesn't MillsLane give him CPR?

Looks like he's wayahead of you Nick.

Here you go Farley,cake, pie, and ribs.

All hail the newLord of Lard!

The potentateof overweight!

The big cheeseof obese!

Not so fast,

since the fight neverstarted, it can't end.

We brought Farley back once,

we can do it again.

Well this is a first Nick.

Mills Lane is going to

bring a contestant backto life a second time.

Dr. Einstein, isMills Lane possibly

endangering us allby playing God?

This is the worst f---hotdog I've ever tasted.

What is this?Rat s--- covered in s---?

I don't like it Johnny.

This has got to be breaking

the laws of physics, ifnot just the plain law.

[crowd cheering]

[yelling]I AM ALIVE!

Farley is back!

Chris Farley is back fromthe dead a second time.

Back from the dead a third time

if you count Almost Heroes.

You don't scare me.

Maybe I don't have

your disgustinglyhuge waist line,

maybe I don't havean enlarged heart...

Hey, the air quotesare my bit!

Okay, so maybe Idon't have my own bits

or a recognizable catch phrase

or any real talent...

Sandz, if you can't shutyour damn flan hole,

I'll do it for you!

[yelling]I AM ALIVE!

[yelling]

[audience groaning]

[yelling]I AM ALIVE!

[yelling]I AM ALIVE!

[audience groaning]

[grunting]

What's the matter?

Cat got your tongue?

Let me help.

[crowd cheering loudly]

And the winneris Chris Farley!

Well Nick

you have to hand it toFarley for this one.

He just didn't give up.

No he didn't Johnny.

I guess you can say

that victory tooka lot of guts.

Good words to live by.

We've got more timemachine mayhem coming up.

Welcome back toCelebrity Death Match.

Our next battle is certainly

one of the mostanticipated of the season,

and you can blame Hollywood.

If they keep taking iconictelevision shows

and turning them into movies,

well there are bound tobe a few ruffled feathers...

Or in this case a few ruffled

leathery skin-like membranes.

It's Gotham City gore

as caped crusaderChristian Bale

goes wing tip to wing tip

with the originalhimself, Adam West.

Courtesy of theCDM time machine.

And only one can survive

to wear the crownof best Batman ever.

Johnny it's going to bea battle for Bat-premacy,

with no Bat prisoners, Bat...

Oh yeah, that'sthe best s---.

Let's go down tothe locker room

where Adam West is

with our very own Tally Wong.

Thanks Johnny, Nick.

I'm here with one of myall time celebrity heroes,

the original capedcrusader himself,

Mr. Adam West.

It certainly is a raretreat to talk to someone

who's been broughtback from the dead.

Tell us, what is it reallylike on the other side?

I'm sorry...?

And what is it like

to come throughthe time machine

and return to the physicalplane of existence?

There must be some sortof misunderstanding.

I'm not dead.

Well certainly not toyour legions of fans.

You'll live on inreruns forever,

but back to how thetime machine feels.

I didn't come throughany time machine.

You guys sent a Towncar to my hotel.

What's the deal withChristopher Reeve?

Do you guys,like hang out?

Swap superhero stories?

Well, no, becauseas you can see

I'm quite alive.

Perhaps you are unaware

of my rather lengthythespian resume

since the Batman series.

Exciting!

And do theybring you back

through thetime machine

for thoseroles as well?

Am I the one getting punk'd?

Because I promiseyou I'm not...

Were you surprise tofind that computers

are now smallerthan refrigerators?

We have phoneswithout cords now.

So as you can see Adam West

is clearly sufferingfrom side effects

from his transportationthrough the time machine.

Whether this will wear off

or if he will be fighting

at less than fullmental capacity,

is anyone's guess.

Back to you Johnny.

Damn! I could totally

get with that f---

[extended swearing]

Well let's--

[censored]

It looks likeour contestants

are finallyentering the ring.

And here he is folks,

a buff pounds,

the latest in a traditionof handsome Batmen

such as George Clooneyand Val Kilmer,

and to a much, much,much lesser extent,

Michael Keaton.

Christian Bale!

Bale acknowledgesthe crowd's cheers,

but I have to say Nick,

he doesn't seem to be inmuch of a fighting mood.

Don't let that calmexterior fool you Johnny.

According to Roger Ebert,

there is a dark,brooding rage within.

And believe me

Ebert knows a thing ortwo about brooding rage.

And now entering the ringweighing at - pounds,

depending on whichseason you're watching,

the man who set theBat bar so high,

so many Bat years ago,

the campy capedcrusader himself,

Mr. Adam West!

Okay you two. I wanta good clean fight.

Bale I don't want tosee anything cute.

But I am cute.

That's the onlyreason I got the part.

West, I don't want to see

any magical trickeryyou picked up

in the afterlife.

I'm not dead.

Let's get it on!

Why doesn't anyonebelieve me?

I do voiceovers,

I guess star on sitcoms,

I own a successful line of ...

Go cart tracks...

And West goes down hard,

even for a dead guy.

And it's just getting worse.

West is in an awfullot of trouble Nick.

Where's an effeminateBritish butler

when you need him?

I'm sorry that wasRedundant wasn't it?

Look, you old meat sock,I'm Batman now.

I get to study

with the Ninjas in theHimalayas, not you.

I get to boink KatieHolmes, not you.

I get to bore audiences

with self indulgent brooding

for two hours, not you.

You should havenever come back.

I'm not dead.

Why doesn't anyonebelieve me?

If I were dead,could I do this?

And take a look at this...

Adam West is doing somesort of sick dance.

Not just any sickdance Johnny.

That's the famed Battusi.

The Battusi confusesthe enemy.

It allows me tocreep ever closer,

mesmerizing youuntil I can...

Okay, tactical error.

Perhaps the Bat twist...

Oh man...

And I thoughfalling down a well

and being smothered bybats was terrifying.

Just a fewsteps more...

Hachi Machi!

Okay Bale, youwant to play rough,

I'll play rough.

You know the difference

between our two batmans?

The twenty milliondollar paycheck

and cholesterol?

Wrong, mine hasa side kick!

[wailing]

And the beating isn'tover yet Johnny.

And from the look in his eye

Adam West better watch out

for his bat cave.

Can this be the demiseof the doleful doppelganger?

Can be the bat endof a bat line bat?

Now for a littlebatting practice.

You fiend.

Now how will I sign autographs,

At boat shows andbeef jerky parties?

Oh, your hand isjust the beginning...

when I get done withyou'll be Flatman.

The party is over West.

You'll never understandwhat I've learned.

Confront your fear

and the fear becomes a symbol.

But the symbol isfear itself.

Only fear of symbolscan truly...

only the fear is fear....

Oh screw it.

My Batmobile is coolerthan your Batmobile.

Time to send you back

to the landof the dead!

For the last timeI'm... not...

DEAD!

Fantastic!Adam West may finally

be turning this fight around.

[cheering]

Holy stolen wardrobe Johnny!

He still has his batcape?

No, I'm afraid that'sjust excess armskin Nick.

Now to inflict a littleBruce Wayne pain.

Looks like you canuse a light snack...

[audience ooohs]

[loud bang]

And that's it, it's all over!

Adam West has defeatedChristian Bale

and wins the titleof Best Batman Ever.

Let's go down to the ring

where Tally Wong iswith the champion.

Adam, congratulations.

How did you ever come up

with the idea to launchBale into the lights?

Well Tally it just seemedthe Christian thing to do.

Holy sacrilege!

He may have won the fight

but Adam West mayhave a tough time

explaining thisto the Big Man

when he gets back to heaven.

For the last time, I'm not...

oh to hell with it,where's my check?

Coming up next onCelebrity Death Match,

it's the main event

as Jamie Foxx goes headto head with Redd Foxx

in a battle ofbeloved comedians.

Or does he?

Welcome back toCelebrity Death Match.

Nick, it's hard to imagine

how any main event

can top our first two battles.

Right you are Johnny.

We brought the famed

CDM time machineout of mothballs

so we could host threeoutrageous battles.

In our opening fight

it was Horatio Sandzversus Chris Farley

in a contest for the crown

of funniest SNL fat man

with Farley winninghands down.

Next up was ChristianBale and Adam West

in a no bat holdsbarred slug fest

to settle the best Batmanquestion once and for all.

And in what the experts

are calling a shocking upset,

West was best andcrushed Bale literally.

And now in tonight'smain event,

it's Jamie Foxx in aclash of comedians.

Or at least, that'swhat he thinks.

He's standing by

with our very own Tally Wong.

Jamie, you're hereto fight Redd Foxx,

you really thinkyou're ready for this?

Absolutely.

I grew up poor in rural Texas

raised by my toughbut fair grandmother,

who taught me how to become

a strong and talented man

so that I could someday live my dream

of going to Hollywood

and starring in Booty Call.

And you have issues.

You're damn rightI've got issues.

I'm sick of goingto the restaurant

and having the valet humming

that damn Sanfordand Son theme song.

I'm sick of walkingdown the street

and people crossingtheir hearts

screaming "I'mcoming Elizabeth".

And what's up withyour name Redd?

Two d's.

Hell one d is goodenough for even God.

I'm gonna take that extraD and whip your a*s with it.

Are you saying

you're a betteractor than Redd Foxx?

You're damn rightI'm a better actor.

Hell I got an academyaward for Ray.

I was great.

People come up to me

and say 'thatwas you singing?'

'you better thanthe real Ray'

and you know what,I probably was too.

Well Jamie Foxxit's time for you

to meet your realopponent for the night.

[audience cheering]

Did I justhear right?

Did somebody say hewas a better me than me?

Hey Ray...

And there it is folks,

Jamie Foxx has just be punk'd.

Ray Charles is back

and he looks angry,

ready to put the pressureon the pretender.

With just an old sweet song

that keeps annihilationon his mind.

Where is he, wherethe hell is he?

I'm going k*ll him.

If you think youdeserve all this glory

for being a two-bitimpersonator...

I'm the real deal, not you.

Two bit? What areyou talking about?

I spent weeks in ablindfold for research.

You dumb a*s.

Do I look like Iwear a blindfold?

Touché.

Okay, you two,

less jaw yapping andmore face slapping.

I want a clean, fair fight.

Now hold on there aminute Mr. Referee.

I need some sort of advantage.

I'm blind.

True, but thisfella had a show

on the WB,so I'm calling it even.

Now let's get it on.

Mr. Charles, I don'twant to fight you.

I have nothing but theutmost respect and love.

[bell rings]

That bell is aquarter tone flat,

like your face.

There, what do youhave to say now?

Mr. Charles youjust hit the ref.

What?

Keep talking, I'll find you.

Marco, Marco...

[shouting]

Why those almost sound like

the screams of someone

with deep psychological trauma

over a sibling'saccidental drowning,

which leads tolife-long terrifying

and haunting visions

that spiral intoserious drug addiction.

Y'know, they DO sound like

the screams of someone

with deep psychological trauma

over a sibling'saccidental drowning,

which leads tolife-long terrifying

and haunting visions

that spiral intoserious drug addiction.

[shouting]

Mr. Charles,let me give you a...

Hit the road, Jack.

A little help, alittle help here.

Well hello, how areyou doing tonight.

Maybe we can gettogether a little later...

how you like that?

And maybe you wouldwant to join us...

Yes, yes.

Oh baby I can tell youis as pretty as...

...me and you can make somebeautiful music together.

What do you say?

Oh, I'm soconflicted.

Talk about theuncertainty principle.

Okay, I didn't want itto have to come to this

but if you want toroll, let's roll.

I'm gonna take itout and whip you.

[gasping]

I don't think Raysaw that coming.

Let's see if Ray Charles

can find a way to counter.

Mm...that felt like an Oscar.

Well, your oneOscar ain't no match

for my, count 'em, Grammy awards.

Damn!

We're watching historyin the making Nick.

This may be thefirst time a Grammy

has made a lastingimpact on anyone.

Come here, where are you?

I swear I'll beatthe living color

right out of you!

Gotcha!

[groaning]

I'm calling a penalty.

That's an audience memberyou're beating Mr. Charles.

Is it?

Sorry about that mister.

You seem to bemissing your head.

Well, hey, if I canbecome a big star

without my eyes,

just think of whatyou can become

without your whole head, baby.

All right,

it's clear we're going to have

to speed things up here.

Let's give you a whipping

you're both capable of handling.

And look at this!

Mills Lane is having a piano

lowered into the ring.

What is this,what's happening?

They're bringing in a piano.

Well look out now boy.

I spent yearstickling the ivories.

Yeah, well I spent yearstickling Keenan Ivory Wayans.

But perhaps I say too much.

So listen what I say...

What?

I said listen what I say.

Huh?

I said yeah!

Yeah!

[scream]

Yeah!

[scream]

Yeah! Yeah!

[scream]

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

This concert is over baby.

Winnder and championof the main event,

Mr. Jamie Foxx.

What? I'm Ray Charles.

I saw the movie Mr. Foxx,

you don't haveto convince me

you can playRay Charles.

I'll k*ll you.

Get over here.

Marco, Marco!Say Polo!

Well that's about

all the time wehave here tonight.

Join us next week

as the mayhem continues.

Until then, goodnight, and good...

oh dear God...

You can always tell aPrinceton man, eh Johnny.